mr_pika: Thanks for taking the time to give example and everything with that critique! I took them all seriously and focused on keeping my tenses straight with this chapter. I'm not sure about the comma thing though. I know I've abused commas before >_<.
ms: well as long as you reply every once in a while that'd be fine i suppose ^_^. I just like seeing what my readers are thinking at different points of the plot. helps me out quite a bit. like scizor wasn't supposed to get so much time when i first wrote this, but he seemed to draw a lot of interest so now he's getting some time.
SSM: hey! good to see you back! i have the notes and everything still for how I want Damon to move through Nightscare, so hopefully you'll see it sooner rather than later.
All right, next chapter's not that long, so i'll try and get 28 up tomorrow or soon after. enjoy!
main tweak: tenses and dialogue
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Chapter 27 ~Damon~
Finally, that large bodyguard of Nightscare named Coleman let me know that Scizor had completed his training for the day. Was it still day? It was difficult to tell from anywhere in Nightscare. Very few rooms had natural light, and every new room I found was dimly lit. Not caring whether it was night or day, I followed Coleman closely to the training area where I had found my belt. I was still upset about Jared taking my belt without permission, so I tried to send a stern message with my expression. Sure, Nightscare probably had some degree of control over me since I agreed to join, but Jared didn’t seem to mind too much when I snatched my belt back.
I got to the door and tried to walk past Coleman, but he stepped between me and the door. “Sorry young sir,” he said gruffly, yet politely. “Please allow me to make sure Jared has completed his training. Stay out here for a moment.” He left me in the hallway and entered the training room. That was another thing that irritated me: the fact that I couldn’t watch my pokemon being trained. Jared gave me his word on their safety, but I didn’t think it wise to trust this man too much, especially with my trained pokemon who were supposed to take me to the top. I had to look after him when he trained my pokemon and make sure he was training them right.
Coleman returned and held the door open for me. I walked in to find Jared holding Scizor’s pokeball. “Hello again, Damon,” he said cordially, but with that Nightscare undertone. “Back for your pokemon?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “How did Scizor do?”
Jared smirked a bit. “By the results of things,” he glanced around the room, “I’d say we’re on the right track with Scizor. It was a decent start.” I followed his eyes but nothing caught my eye from the training room’s setup. I expected Jared to really like Scizor, so hearing it was just a decent start was disappointing. Scizor was a hard worker, and if I told him to obey Jared, he’d do it at his best ability. “I believe it will only take some repetition for Scizor to grow more confident in our methods here.” Curiosity itched at me. I wanted to ask Jared how they trained exactly, but it would probably sound stupid. There was a silence about their methods that didn’t want to be disturbed, so I kept quiet. Maybe I wouldn’t like what I heard.
“Who’s going to be the next one trained?” I asked Jared after taking Scizor’s pokeball and securely clipping it to my belt.
“Tomorrow we’ll combine Umbreon and Houndour into one session. Be in this room around eight in the morning, and I’ll take it from there.”
“That reminds me,” I stopped Jared before he could leave the room. “About me not being there for the training sessions…I really don’t see why that’s necessary. It’s no offense to you, but I prefer keeping a close eye on my pokemon that I worked hard to train to this point.”
Jared nodded through my concern. “I can relate, Damon. It’s just that pokemon have developed more efficiently under our training if they don’t have their trainer in the room watching over them.”
“Maybe that’s true with other pokemon and their masters, but I’m sure you can accomplish the same things with me in or out of the room.” I fought to keep my stare on his. “I’m going to choose to be in the room.” Jared held the stare for an extra second or two, and then regained his smirk.
“If that is how you would like it Damon, they are your pokemon and I shall allow it.”
Honestly, I didn’t expect the demand to be met that easily. Jared always said he was trying to help me, but he never let me forget that he was the boss. “So just come by here with Houndour and Umbreon tomorrow, and we’ll begin their training.” I firmly nodded and walked toward the door. “And Damon?” I turned back. “Eight in the morning please.”
“Thanks, Jared.” With that mental note I went back to my room; Coleman followed me the whole way. Nightscare couldn’t expect me to fully trust them if they obviously didn’t trust me yet. Once I was alone in my room, I released Scizor from his pokeball.
Scizor looked thoroughly exhausted, but his eyes were wide. The room was cramped with the two of us in there, but my usually stolid pokemon was obviously jerkier than usual. Scizor never acted this way, and before I could ask what was bothering him, he tried to tell me himself. I tried my hardest to understand him like I understand Umbreon, but the language wasn’t the same at all. Scizor noticed how useless it was, and then slowed himself down to a silence.
“Scizor, I know training can be difficult,” I tried to figure out what he had said, “and it’s probably incredibly hard under Nightscare. I’d imagine that they demand quite a bit from a pokemon with as much talent as you.” He calmed down from hearing that. “Just remember that no matter how hard it gets, you can’t react like this. You don’t have to complain about a tough training session. I know from experience that you’re as tough as they come.” Scizor bobbed his head in agreement, but again released a string of jumbled language which I couldn’t understand at all. “That’s enough, Scizor!” I raised my voice to get him to stop complaining. “I don’t want to see you like this over one training session at Nightscare. The truth is that we have a long way to go, and there’ll be lots more training sessions.” This just made Scizor look more troubled.
I tried a different approach. “Here, would it help if I told you that Jared’s going to let me stay with you guys during training?” Scizor nodded vigorously, knowing that his nods were probably the only things I could understand from him. “I’m glad, but until then, please act stronger in these moments, all right?” Scizor hesitated, but I knew he would obey me. His loyalty won over and he tried to look as tough as the day I caught him. “That’s better.” It was nice to know Scizor wanted me around that much, but he’d have to be more independent in some ways. I might not be there to give him orders or help him out all the time. “Let’s get some rest.” I patted Scizor’s shoulder and returned him to his pokeball.
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The digital clock on the wall read 7:46 AM when I awoke. For some reason I could always wake up when I needed to, if I had something to do. I showered and brushed my teeth before leaving to the training room. It was earlier than eight when I got there, my stomach growling all the way down the hall. I reminded myself to ask Jared if there was some sort of Nightscare cafeteria.
“Thank you for coming, Damon.” I saw Jared at the doorway, unshaven and still looking a little sleepy. “Follow me.” He led me to a back corner of the large training room. No one else was training at the time, so I took the chance to admire all the equipment. “If you would be so kind,” Jared motioned to my pokemon belt. I released Umbreon and Houndour myself.
“Before we get started, I have a question.” Jared didn’t look up at me, as he studied my two pokemon. “Do you Nightscare members have a kitchen here? I haven’t eaten in a while, and neither have my pokemon.” It took a few moments for him to look up at me, and when he did he asked me to repeat my question.
“Oh,” Jared replied. “Whenever you’d like, Damon, you may ask me to leave the complex and get a bite to eat. Now why don’t I begin with you, Houndour?” My Houndour shrugged at him, awaiting orders. Jared looked like he was still thinking about how to train Houndour. “Help us out, Kingler.” Jared’s Kingler materialized from his pokeball, snapping his pincers joyfully. Houndour tensed himself, snarling at the new presence in the room. Umbreon decided to make herself comfortable and sprawled on the floor, awaiting her turn. I told Houndour to quiet down, but he kept a low growl. “If you would like a seat, Damon, there is a chair to your left.” I took my place in the chair and watched closely.
“Now,” Jared went on, “Houndour.” Houndour ignored him and kept his eyes locked on Kingler’s large pincer. “Houndour!” My dark/fire type stopped growling to look at Jared. “That Kingler isn’t here to hurt you. He’s here to help you train. You’ve got intensity, Houndour, real determination, but you’re lacking in some battle skills. This can easily be corrected through an evolution, and that requires experience. A noticeable area of improvement for you is your attacks.” At times it sounded like Jared was more talking to me than to the pokemon. “I want you to try shooting Embers at that Kingler, but before-” Houndour didn’t bother waiting for further instructions. He yelped out an Ember at the unsuspecting Kingler, missing it completely. Kingler only noticed after the fireball hit a wall a few feet away from him. I stopped Houndour from firing a second, embarrassed at my pokemon’s lack of understanding.
Umbreon snickered, “I guess it won’t be my turn for a few hours.” I smiled from hearing Umbreon talk. I had grown fond of hearing her comments.
“Please listen to my whole instructions before you start, Houndour,” Jared sighed. Houndour shifted under the stares from Kingler and his master. “Kingler, would you please back away from us until I tell you to stop.” Jared stopped him at around ten feet. “Great. Houndour I want you to only use Embers right now but before you do,” Jared rushed his words, “I want you to know that Kingler will attempt to clamp each of your Ember attacks in one of his pincers. Your goal is to try to hit him in the facial area, between his two claws. You may move side to side, but not another step forward.” Houndour cocked his head to one side. Jared sighed again and bent down to the floor, tracing a line in front of Houndour with his finger. “Don’t go past this line. Try to land as many direct hits as possible. Now you may begin.” Houndour tried his best, crazily leaping from side to side, but couldn’t land a single Ember between Kingler’s pincers. In fact, Kingler had to go out of his way at times to greedily clamp those fireballs into smoke. It was discouraging to see my pokemon’s attacks reduced to nothingness, but I had to remind myself how far Kingler was in his training compared to Houndour. Despite all of the misses, Houndour didn’t show a sign of tiring, and I told Jared that eventually he would outlast Kingler with his stamina. Jared agreed while he observed Houndour closely.
“Umbreon,” he called. Umbreon stretched out and made her way toward Jared. “While Houndour is busy, let us speak of your training.” Umbreon kept an expressionless face in front of Jared. “She must be a delight to train, Damon.”
“She is,” I said uncomfortably. The way Jared phrased things was unnerving in itself.
“You and I both know that Umbreon is already quite talented and… also dark, of course. Seeing as Kingler is preoccupied with your Houndour, Umbreon will have to train with this.” He unclipped a different pokeball from his belt. “After all, a pokemon of her stature needs a near equal challenge, wouldn’t you say?” Jared released the mirror image of my Umbreon. My pokemon’s interest immediately rose as she looked up at Jared’s Umbreon. The two were not the same size, seeing as how Jared’s had more experience and had grown larger. “Umbreon just needs to be developed a bit further, and I believe we should start with a good-natured battle. I will not command my Umbreon, Damon, but I urge you to command yours.” That seemed unfair to me, but if Jared asked for it then I could oblige. The two rivals in front of us looked beyond prepared for a rematch. “Begin.”