Ah, new chapters! Excellent!

Hmm. It seems like Jared might be holding back a bit on the more gruesome training methods for the moment. Clearly, he wants to ease Damon into the horrific parts so that his new recruit doesn't bolt. I wonder how long that'll last? And how long he'll wait before Scizor returns to the nightmare? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I like the psychological aspects of this. Focusing on the extreme rivalry between the Umbreon really makes for some great drama, and the terror that Scizor endured is also a great point for conflict - especially since Damon can't understand why he's so upset. Somehow I wonder if Scizor's loyalty to his trainer will last, or if it will be redirected. That will be interesting to see.

You did a lot better with tenses in these chapters; I only saw a couple of the same kinds of errors from before. However, there's a more unusual type of tense error present now. Let me demonstrate with an example, if I may.


Jared gave me his word on their safety, but I didn’t think it wise to trust this man too much, especially with my trained pokemon who were supposed to take me to the top.

This is a little more complex of a tense violation. “gave” is a word that is used from a present tense perspective. For instance, if I’m talking to a friend, I might say, “Yeah, I gave the professor the essay.” But if I’m talking about something in the past tense, “had given” is more appropriate. This could be something like, “I had given the professor the essay, but I was nervous about my grade.” If you’re speaking about something that’s immediately in the past, “gave” is correct. If you’re talking about something in the past that refers to something further in the past, “had given” is more appropriate. In this case, you already have to be in the past tense to tell the story, so the earlier event of Jared’s promise has to be referred to. Thus, “had given” is more correct than “gave”.

Was that overcomplicated? Sorry; I’m tired right now, but I can try to explain it more clearly once I’m halfway sane again if you’d like.


There were a few errors of that type; it wasn't simply an isolated incident. (If it had been, I wouldn't have bothered to post a comment on it.) It's a more difficult and unusual rule, but it can be important, especially in first-person writing. I believe the replacement would be called a "past participle" form of the word, but I'm not certain. I apologize for not being able to give you a term that you could be sure of; I know the concepts much more than their names in this sort of thing.

Even with that sort of error, though, these were very good chapters. Not only did you eliminate the majority of the problems that I might have mentioned by focusing on your tenses, but you also wrote two more very compelling segments of this fic. This plotline is unique on several different levels, and I can always look forward to discovering what happens next in your updates. Your characters, again, are superb, and the situation you've thrown them into is believable and yet remarkable simultaneously. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the training will continue and what side-stories you may have planned in the meantime. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter!