Fanfic Reviewer Organisation - Review Topic!

[Gavin Luper]

The Fanfic Reviewer Organisation – Review Topic.

It's back at last! As I said in the General Topic, it's better than ever! This thread is the Review Topic - this is where the Raters will hang out, where the Reviews will be claimed by certain raters and where the Reviews themselves will appear.

The seven reviewers for the FFRO this time will be:

mr_pikachu
Darktyranitar
Gavin Luper
Mistysakura
Dragonfree (who will be reviewing one-shots and short stories only)
Bulbasaur4
Weasel Overlord

What does belong here:

* Reviews by the raters.
* Questions about the rating process.

What doesn't belong here (belongs in the General Topic):

* Requests to have your fic reviewed.
* General questions about the FFRO.
* General comments, complaints, talk, etc.

Rating Chart (criteria for fic-rating):

-Plot (/20 points): Is the plot entertaining or captivating? Does it twist and turn, keep you guessing, and so on? How sustained is the plot … and how well does it work together?

-Plot Originality (/10 points): How original the plot and plot twists are. Is the fic a brand new concept, or something that has been rehashed so many times it’s redundant? Are we completely shocked at what happens and left in suspense, or do we foresee everything from chapter one?

-Writing Style (/20 points): The writer’s choice of words, use of description, dialogue, layout and so on. Does the story flow well or does it seem stop-start all the time? Above all, is it easy to read (not easy as in basic, but well written)?

-Spelling and Grammar (/10 points): How good the writer is with standard writing, spelling and grammar.

-Characters (/15 points): What are the characters? Are they realistic, good, emotional? Can we relate to them?

-Settings (/15 points): What is the world the story is set in like? Is it well explained, different and interesting?

-Overall Apreciation (/10 points): Overall, the big question – is it any good? Why/why not?

Final Result: /100 = % (as a percentage).

Closing advice: General closing comments about the fic, and, in your opinion, the writer could improve their fic. Be critical but fair.
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Cheers!

[Mewfour]

What's this? I'm the first one to post a review? Here I was thinking I was going to be the official slacker of the bunch.

Eevee-Shayna and Samchu's Kitt & Katt

ORIGINALITY: 8/10

Meh, been done before. Mysterious man whisks hapless girl into a whirlwind adventure, where haven't we seen that before? But still, the concept is spread few and far between, so I guess it's more of a nitpick than a major detriment.

Plot: 15/20

Things are fairly straightforward, but what's there is good, I suppose. I can't complain that much. The one thing I didn't like was the filler in the first few chapters, grinding everything down to a snail's pace. And one final thing: If I was a single woman woken up in my bed with some guy clamping his hand over my mouth, I'd be putting up MUCH more of a fight, regardless how sexy his British accent is.

Writing Style: 13/20

I hate numbers in fanfics. You know, "he took 7 of this and 8 of that," or "there were 4 of them." I don't know why, it just pisses me off for some reason. Am I neurotic? Possibly. But I know for a fact that I'm not alone on this one. I wasn't much of a fan of the serial elipses, either, nor did I take kindly to having to scroll up and down the page while thinking, "Now wait, who was Katt again? Which one's the cat guy?"

Spelling and Grammar: 8/10

Consistantly acceptable

Characters: 10/15

"That anthromorphing cat guy" to me really just seems to be an author proxy fantasy, aka the Mary Sue concept. I'm sorry, I really carry an intense hatred for "perfect" characters. Being a seasoned GAFFer tends to do that to ya. I've got no major problems with ....Katt? You know, that girl. Everyone else- even the villians- just seem to be in "B" roles.

Settings 10/15

Meh. Nothing new.

-Overall Apreciation 7/10 points

A good read, but I just couldn;t get myself sucked into it for some reason, much less even care. Just not my cup of tea, I suppose. Good effort, I can't deny, but still for meh says I. I really can't suggest anything else than what I've already covered.

OVERALL: 71/100

[darktyranitar]

Eh, here's a review from who could possibly be the most inexperienced reviewer, perhap the laziest next to Mewf0ur...


Screams of Pain
By MeLoVeGhOsT


-Plot (15/20 points)

The plot moves pretty slowly. So far, only a few battles are seen. I was hoping that there would be more battles, considering this a trainer fic. I don’t have much to say, except that you need to work on evens that would back up with the trainer fic’s theme. Like say, add in more battle, Pokemon to catch, trainers, you get the idea. After all, it can’t all be focused to Matt and Jack only. Get some character more or put more Pokemon battle. That could help.

-Plot Originality (7/10 points)

So, another of the trainer fic… Well, so far this story still sticks to the same old trainer fic formula, although there were a few good sub-plots, like the one involving Jack’s obsession for Pidgeo’s and getting rare Pokemon from a mysterious man that disappears after the trade.

-Writing Style (15/20 points)

Writing style is not too spectacular, but not too bad either. Hmm, I can’t really say if you have adopted someone else writing style, so it could be said that it is your writing style.

The one thing that irked me a bit was the dialogue. I found some dialogue awkward to it, and I can only say that only three factor leads to this: spelling errors, comma usage, and weakness on creating dialogues. The last factor is the one that I’m currently eyeing at (trust me, I know it’s a bit tough to create casual and realistic dialogue that doesn’t sound too stiff).

-Spelling and Grammar (6/10 points)

This aspect needs a lot of attention. Of course, spellings typos can affect how people read this fic. The kind of typos that must be paid to is words that have similar sounds. Occasionally, I encountered words like “to wards” and “fur fill”. They can get pretty annoying sometimes. My advice is intense re-read, or getting someone to proof read chapters. Remember, improvise!

-Characters (11/15 points)

Matt seems to be quite a flat character. He seems to be… an okay guy. Based on a few of his thoughts, words and action, I can only summarized that he’s a mix of a newbie trainer, a bit friendly, cares for his Pokemon… so I’d say he’s an average Joe.

Jack, on the other hand makes a bit of an interesting character. His obsession with catching a whole bunch of Pidgey contributes to that.

-Settings (12/15 points)

Zuta is an okay region for Pokemon, with tropical climate, different from any other region. However, I found it a bit hard to imagine how Zuta looks like. Perhaps more description on Zuta’s landscape could be put.

-Overall Apreciation (7/10 points)

Overall, Screams of Pain is a work in progress. It’s still in a shaky condition, and a lot more could be done to fix the flaws. An okay and mediocre fic to read, but with given some work it can be improved.

Final Result: 73/100


Closing advice:
Remember this: give this fic dedications and attention, added with a spoonful of editing and spell check, and you will be rewarded with the blossoming of your fic (hey, since when do I talk these kind of stuff?@_@). Don’t be too discouraged with lack of readers. Keep writing, while at the same time promote this fic (but not till it break the forum’s rules), and continue to improve on each chapters. Good luck!

[Dragonfree]

The Maiden Fish by Plantae

Plot (15/20 points): Well, it was a rather simple one, though done in an original way. Short stories generally don't have very much chance of scoring high here. The dragon seemed to come pretty randomly, too; I think it would have worked better if we had fleetingly heard of the dragon somewhere at the beginning of the story.

-Plot Originality (9/10 points): Simple or not, it was definitely done in a very original way, considering you used fish for it all. Definitely never read anything like it before.

-Writing Style (19/20 points): Oh, I really adored the style. It's very Lewis Carroll-like, kind of eccentric with a humourous air to it despite the tragic plot. The words were very well chosen, the portmaneux livened it up (although yes, you should probably have used more of them), and the general flow of the story was very nice. Good job.

-Spelling and Grammar (9/10 points): There were a couple of strange sentences that would probably be classified as run-ons, probably there due to hurried proofreading, but otherwise this was flawless.

-Characters (15/15 points): The main characters are obviously Elizabeth, Abhay/fake Abhay and the "tentaclee of the lake" as I believe you referred to it once. There were a couple of minor characters but they barely appeared. The major characters, though, were extremely well done, especially for such a short piece. Wonderfully done.

-Settings (14/15 points): It is a lake which is perhaps not that interesting in itself, but your writing makes it interesting. You take care to explain it and allow the reader to visualize it. Very nice.

-Overall Apreciation (8/10 points): I really enjoyed it, mostly because of your style. A few sentences were a little hard to understand (mostly those run-ons I mentioned under Spelling and Grammar) but that was okay. I loved the writing style, as I already said. It felt a little bit incomplete at the end (which is no wonder considering there is a part two which is not out yet) but that's about it.

Final Result: 89/100 = 89%

Closing advice: A great piece, especially kept up by the style. I still think the dragon deserves to be mentioned earlier so it doesn't feel so sudden when it appears, though, and by all means fix those run-ons, but you're clearly a great writer and your work deserves recognition.

[mr_pikachu]

Metamorphosis
by Saffire Persian

Plot (16/20): To be frank, I wasn’t expecting much coming into this review. I thought that you’d probably have some good characters, a bit of an idea for some direction in which to take this, and maybe a twist or two.

I was definitely not expecting the sort of portrayal which you have displayed.

Even though we’re still getting into the bulk of the story, the depth with which you have explored this idea is a welcome surprise. I loved how you went from a simple game of hide-and-seek to meeting the Caterpie, and how you naturally progressed from that to the developments with it. That has served to make this a funny blend of normal childhood life and the magic of friendship, hope, and dreams.

Still, it is a little predictable at this point. I was honestly hoping that something really tragic would happen at the end of Changing Perceptions. Mind you, I wasn’t hoping that something bad would happen because I wanted it to happen to the characters, but because something like “your” anger going a bit too far would make for a stunning plot twist.

Frankly, that was the one thing that your plot lacked. That is, it has been pretty straightforward so far, especially in this last segment. While you don’t have to do anything too crazy (like kill off a character), it would be nice if you threw a few good plot twists in there. That was what cost you a few points here. While it’s a great plot overall, you could use something to keep your readers on the edge of their seats.


Plot Originality (8/10): There’s not much to say here. This isn’t really an area for which you could earn full marks – after all, a simple storyline like this doesn’t have too much to make it stand out from other plots on that basis alone.

However, it is notable that something like this is not very common in Pokémon fanfiction. Most writers aren’t content with a simple story that’s just set in the Pokémon world; they try to do some fantastic plotline with a bunch of heroism, etc. A simple plotline, though it doesn’t stand out as much, isn’t as common as you might think. With those two things counterbalancing each other, you’ll get a pretty average score here.


Writing Style (19/20): This was, without a doubt, your strongest area. You clearly did not plan on merely telling a story; you’re examining and explaining all sorts of facets within the events. The emotions and perspectives of the characters, especially those of the main character, are beautifully portrayed. You really went out on a limb, though, writing this in the second person – and in the present tense, no less! But you actually did it fairly well. Some of the scenes were slightly awkward, suggesting that the first person might have been a slightly better choice, but it was still done amazingly well.

The manner in which you made this so introspective while keeping the second person was splendid, and the comedy that was utilized was so excellent and yet realistic that you had me struggling to keep my laughter down at some points (since I’ve read most of this in the middle of the night, down the hall from my sleeping parents). For instance, the situation with the tree was hilarious. You also infused some good drama into some points, like the plight of Ian during the birthday party and his kindness despite that were heart-wrenching. Overall, you were very strong here, despite the difficulties of writing from the perspective of the second person.


Spelling and Grammar (7/10): I’m typically a bit harsher in this category than most reviewers, but you did an okay job here. However, I did notice quite a bit of confusion between the words “your” and “you,” and there were some other assorted instances where occasional words had one letter missing or incorrect from what you clearly intended to say. Also, there were some questionable tense issues, especially in some of the past tense sentences at the beginning of Changing Perceptions, Part One. But none of your problems here were so grievous that they interfered unduly with the fic. The disruption that any errors cause is a critical aspect of this area, so you won’t lose too many points.


Characters (10/15): This is an odd section, especially considering that you wrote this fic in the second person. Your main character can unusually only be called “you,” for one thing. (However, I actually didn’t notice that until I was trying to find his name in order to make an earlier point – this demonstrates the quality of writing here, as well as the lack of a need for names.)

One noticeable concern here is that you tend to describe your characters only through their actions and the main character’s opinions (with a few exceptions). This makes some character development difficult in the perspective of the second person. After all, looking at the actions and opinions gives us some attachment to the characters, but it makes visualizing the events that transpire a little difficult. Without a good grasp of physical appearances, it’s hard for readers to picture what’s happening in the mind’s eye. (For instance, I have no idea how to envision Claire – she’s basically a blob to me.)

Emotions are extremely important, and they are often overlooked. But don’t forget that the look of the characters is important, too. It may not always be good to judge a book by its cover, but it certainly makes the library a much easier place to navigate.

Also, it seems like some of your characters really tend toward one particular personality trait or another, rather than being a complete package. For instance, Stella is basically a cunning idiot, while Todd is a picture of conniving ways. Claire is uptight, while Will is calm. And Diane is… well, a stereotypical teenager.

Ian is somewhat developed, as he has gone from being scared and naïve to being a little more knowledgeable and very kind toward “you.” But the main character is the only one who is well-developed at all, though, as we’ve seen from his actions and his reasons for him how he feels about things. Some of the supporting cast could use a little more development to make them a bit more human.

But thankfully, you do have another method of developing your characters. Namely, you have shown some of their personalities through their interactions with each other. By displaying the banter between the characters (and sometimes the one-sided conversations), you have given some insight into the characters. Still, much of that insight only serves to confirm the dominant traits, and the physical aspects are still somewhat neglected. So despite some small developments like Stella’s defense of “you” and Claire’s shift in attitude, this area could use some work.


Settings (13/15): This was a pretty good area. You could’ve done a little more with some of the settings – for instance, the house could have used a bit of development, especially in regard to the exterior – but Viridian Forest was described quite well. Also, you did a great job with the main character’s room, especially after the String Shot, and the rest of the interior was easily left to the imagination. But still, the exterior felt a bit awkward, especially because of the dramatic approach when Ian was being hidden. At that point, none of the house had been described whatsoever, so it was a little weird. That’s really your only big slip-up here, though, so good job.


Overall Appreciation (9/10): Despite not having the flashy elements of some fics, you really kept a good level of interest with a simple plot. It’s an easy story to enjoy.


Final Result: 82/100 = 82%


Closing Advice: Your writing style was, in a word, superb. The way in which you kept the tension through the simple events of regular life was astonishing. Still, some areas were rather hard to envision. Work on your character development. The emotions and personalities were very well-described, but you can make stronger physical descriptions, too. Also, try to use some plot twists, too. Since this is a fic about “normal” life, you really don’t need anything too major, but it’d be nice to have something to keep your readers on their toes. Those are the two areas in which you can really improve. On the other hand, your settings were solid for the most part, and the storyline is something to which readers can easily relate. Work on your weak points, and you can really be impressive.

[mistysakura]

About time too.

The Quest for the Legends
by Dragonfree

-Plot (15/20 points): The plot, although complex, fits together very well. The subplots with each of the Pokémon’s characters are developed effectively; they do not interrupt the main plot, but it is amazing how the backstories of the Pokémon develop gradually, until we finally come to understand how their personality has been shaped. It’s also nice to see subplots tie into the main plot, like how meeting Alan becomes important later on. The most outstanding feature of the plot is easily the plot twists, namely the one in Chapter 25. That plot twist was particularly effective, because it was so unexpected and innovative, i.e. we were 100% sure it wasn't going to happen, and all this suspense stuff wasn't working. Also, the suspense in this fic is built up well, using both cliffhangers and ongoing mysteries.

However, as with many other fics, the major problem this fic has is of structure, i.e. it takes around twenty chapters to get to the point. I understand this is largely due to the fic not being planned out, but it does screw up the structure of the fic, as we aren’t presented with a clear conflict early on. Also, sometimes it seems things happen just because it’s better for the plot, not for a good reason. For example, although it sort of makes sense that Mark should not go searching for legendaries, it seems like an excuse to continue the trainer aspect of the plot – like Mark, we are not satisfied.

-Plot Originality (9/10 points): This plot has many original elements. Although at first glance it seems that everything is rehashed from somewhere, from the clichéd “catch the legendaries” plot to the concept of cloned Pokemon, you’ve managed to combine all these elements into a refreshingly new plot. Although Mark’s out to catch the legendaries, he’s doing it for an original reason. And of course, the fic reaches the epitome of originality in Chapter 25 (which I won’t spoil for the sake of potential readers).

Your treatment of game mechanics stands out as being particularly original. Instead of ignoring things such as levels and stats, you’ve incorporated them into the fic in a realistic way, but at the same time not in a way that portrays Pokemon as mechanical creatures. In the same way, Ash’s Charmander’s change of personality after evolution was explained well as a response to heightened power, rather than just a random plot device the anime writers threw in. Oh yeah, and kudos for explaining the four-moves limit, which confuses many fic readers.

But marks are taken off because, well, everything is rehashed from somewhere. Especially in the beginning, the fic looks like a typical trainer fic, and it uses overused scenarios like saving Pokemon and adopting them. And even now, one-guy-out-to-save-the-world type fics exist in abundance.

-Writing Style (15/20 points): The use of dialogue is quite good, as you are capable of showing and developing characterisation within it, such as with May, Mitch and Scyther, which spices things up. Although a lot of the time dialogue is used to convey information to the readers, like with the Pokemon’s backstories, you manage to keep dialogue interesting and in character, so it’s not just a narrative. The battles are also written very well, with good descriptions of the action, but at the same time not bogging down the action with too much detail. The detail is used well to showcase highly original battle tactics, and develop tension in the battle. Overall, you choose your words well to create concise, but detailed and charged descriptions, and your writing style is effective.

However, your description could be improved on several points. Firstly, the setting (see the Setting section). Secondly, usually your description gives a pretty good idea of what is happening, because we already know what everything looks like, and you only have to describe the action. In this, minimal description works well. However, when describing new Pokemon, it would be helpful to have a bit more detail so we can picture them. For example, we don’t get much of an impression of Fangcat besides a black Persian with fangs. Mutark is much the same. Sometimes descriptions didn’t make sense in the Pokemon world. For example, when you described the Colour Dragons, you said they were “basically European-style dragons”, but since neither Europe nor non-Pokemon dragons exist in the Pokemon world, the description can be seen as out of place. (Sometimes humour is out-of-place too; ‘The Gamesharked Skarmory’ was a nice tidbit, but it didn‘t realistically make sense for it to be in the Pokemon world.) Lastly, sometimes something is mentioned several ties at the expense of other details. For example, in Chapter 23, it was repeatedly emphasised that the pairings for battles wee bad, but this doesn’t contribute to the chapter or the storyline.

-Spelling and Grammar (9.5/10 points): Just about perfect as far as I can tell. Only thing I caught was the use of “can not” instead of “cannot” in Chapter 26.

-Characters (13/15 points): The characters in this fic are awesome. Just about every character, major or minor, has a clear-cut personality, and their actions are always in accord with their personalities (as opposed to some fics out there which describe their protagonists’ ‘characters’, then go on as if they hadn’t.) I especially like what you’ve done with the Pokemon. Few writers develop their Pokemon’s personalities so thoroughly, and the gradual unfolding of their backstories creates interest. Readers can grow to understand a Pokemon’s motives, and they actually feature in the plot, which is good; sometimes people just put personalities in for the sake of it, but this fic does well in terms of character development.

However, the characters in the fic also have some weaknesses, the most prominent being the one-sidedness of some characters. For example, May is constantly characterised as an uncaring trainer. While a character having a prominent trait isn’t in itself bad, it seems that it’s brought up constantly. In other words, characterisation can lack subtlety. The Pokemon also suffer from this – they seem to have one characteristic, taken to the extreme, especially Scyther. Also, although Mark has a decently developed character, he’s still tending a bit toward the Gary-Stu type. This improves as the fic goes on, but especially earlier in the fic, he seems to have painfully perfect morals. For example, he decides to release Mew literally without a second thought (although the temptation to catch Chaletwo makes him a less flat character in later chapters). And the way he treats Pokemon, and has heart-to-heart talks with them. I mean, it’s really good in terms of the relationship between mark and his Pokemon, but it does create a slightly flat character. The only flaw I can see in him is his lousy battling, but even then, things work out because he trusts his Pokemon.

-Settings (9/15 points): The settings could have been a lot better described. I noticed early on that the settings were mainly described in terms of the colours of things, such as the pink carpet in the Pokemon centre, and the blue walls in rooms. It seems as if the description is there because you were advised to describe your settings – with the colours, we can sort of picture the settings, but it doesn’t do much more than that. Sometimes it also seems as if the wrong details are focused on when describing settings. For example, we really didn’t need to know the order of items on shelves in the Pokemart.

The fic hasn’t used setting to its full potential. Although we get a general picture of the world, which at times can be original, such as when cities like Alumine are described, it is mainly treated as just a place for the characters to move around in. There is nothing special about the places Mark visits, and his surroundings are not described in much detail at all (I recall it being stressed that Mark was walking down the same route for the fourth time, but not once in these four times was the route described). This fic could be improved by making the settings have a lasting impression.

However, I did like some things you did with the settings and they are the explanation of how the animal world and the Pokemon world are related, and the explanation of legendaries which are the core of your world. It makes your world different, in terms of setting, from other fics. But a world with an interesting story behind it still needs physical description.

-Overall Appreciation (8/10 points): Overall, this fic is good because it does some unusual things with the plot, but more importantly, thorough characterisation is fully integrated into the storyline, along with a writing style which conveys the action and atmosphere well.

Final Result: 78.5/100 =78.5 %

Closing advice: I like this fic very much indeed. It’s difficult to do an epic-style fic well. However, your major weakness is setting, which deserves a bit more attention, especially in a journeying fic. There are so many possibilities in a quest fic to make your world unique. Be aware also of one-sided characterisation, and some description problems when dealing with made-up Pokemon. But I do love this fic, and will keep reading, and I hope you enjoy continuing it also.

[mr_pikachu]

A Fast-Paced Fic
by Mega Horny

Plot (12/20): So far, most of the plot has seemed fairly random. Brian didn’t like Pokémon, but then he found one at a corrupt restaurant and later used it to combat a group of ninjas. He then learned to like Pokémon, beat his twin brothers (who were frequent semifinalists as trainers), received his license, joined an underground organization… it’s jumped haphazardly from one thing to another. A slightly slower pace may have helped – even though this is “A Fast-Paced Fic,” it doesn’t hurt to thoroughly explain the important points.


Plot Originality (3/10): Now, this was a problem. As you noted yourself, this fic has very distinct similarities to The Pokémon Masters League. Even if you had this idea before that fic started, and even if this fic will eventually deviate from that route, the similarities between the two are not going to help you here. It may be somewhat unfortunate that you’ve only reached chapter 10 by now, because the plot hasn’t shifted significantly yet. You’ve said repeatedly that it will change in the future, but unfortunately, I can only score what I can see. And so far, this has way too many similarities to TPML.


Writing Style (17/20): This was your strongest area, mostly because you’re using a style that is often overlooked. It’s fairly obvious that this fic is meant to be extremely humorous rather than serious, and making every other line a joke is a fairly good way of accomplishing that. You’ve operated well within the boundaries of “humor at all costs.”

However, there’s a reason that this particular writing style is often cast aside. After all, it can be off-putting to readers who want something with some degree of seriousness or who just don’t care for your jokes. That’s a hard thing to manage with this writing style. On the other hand, you’re doing okay here, if only because you’ve cast all inhibitions to the wind in writing this. If you’re going for extreme humor, then you can’t hold back.

(On the other hand, you should always check your facts to make sure that your jokes are accurate. I happen to know that schizophrenia is not what Desmond apparently had; that’s called multiple personalities. You’re already going to struggle to make people like your brand of humor. Don’t give readers another reason to be irritated with you.)


Spelling and Grammar (6/10): You had some significant issues here. There were some problems with verb forms like “was” and “were,” and there were also a fair amount of errors involving commas (such as not separating items in a list, for instance). In general, there were many problems with punctuation marks. But the errors were often as simple as simply forgetting a quote mark or something similar.

There were some distracting tense switches, too. That is, in most areas the narration was done in the past tense, but you occasionally switched to the present tense (and later switched back). That sort of thing can frustrate your readers.

The spelling could have been better, too. Or rather, the proofreading could have been improved. While most of the problems were minor typos (such as saying “out” instead of “our”), such things can still distract your readers and make them lose interest. A few simple edits can usually smooth out these wrinkles, so it’s better to take that simple step than risk losing your fanbase.

There were some more complicated errors as well, but they were few and far between. Thankfully, your simple errors did get better over time. However, there were enough early problems to really hurt your score here.


Characters (8/15): Well, in some areas this was okay. Specifically, Brian’s character was okay. I did like how his opinion of Pokémon grew from his initial hatred of them; unfortunately, that’s the only real character development you’ve given.

Other than that, we know that Brian’s sane, Amaru’s a pervert who is constantly injured, Brian’s family is full of godly trainers, DT is irrational, TheBlueAvenger is an enigma, Miss Link likes to bend over in front of Amaru, and the secret society is filled with other weird people with weird quirks.

…That’s not enough. You can’t simply create characters who are each based entirely around one characteristic (or in a few cases, two). Try to go a bit deeper, sort of like what you did with Brian. This may be a crazy humor fic, but you can still develop your characters a little further.


Settings (9/15): You gained a lot of points here for having creative, unusual settings. The arena comes to mind, as does the Fu King Restaurant. Those were fancy, creative settings.

The problem here is that, for all the uniqueness of your settings, you have done little to actually describe them. Simply naming a few objects in a few rooms isn’t enough. Tell us about the walls, the floors, any unique features, and anything else that might be important. The intangibles are good, too; smells (like Roselia’s Sweet Scent) are good, too. Lighting can also be important, as can sound, taste (sometimes), feelings (temperature, texture, etc.), and anything else. You get the point. Just add more.

But don’t forget the basics, either. For instance, I didn’t even realize that Amaru and Brian were near the stairs in Fu King Restaurant before Amaru charged up them. Details like that are very important, so you should always go through your chapters to make sure that readers won’t be caught off-guard by things like that. It shouldn't be predictable, but the stairs shouldn't seem to just appear out of nowhere, either.


Overall Appreciation (6/10): This is a very comedic fic, and it’s certainly good for laughs. But I can’t help but feel that it’s lacking the other elements of good writing. Try to strengthen your weak areas, and you’ll do much better here.


Final Result: 61/100 = 61%


Closing Advice: You took a risk by using a writing style that I haven’t seen since The MisAdventures of Hiro, and you should be commended for that courage. Still, this could use some work to make all the pieces fit together. You’re going for craziness, but doing a bit more with some of the other “typical” writing qualities could make this a better, more complete work. Develop your characters, work on your plotline, and describe your settings a bit more. If you do, it’ll be all the funnier when Amaru loses “something dear to him” for the twentieth time.




By the way, I’m sorry that this review took so long. I tend to give long reviews as it is, and this fic took me a particularly long time to analyze just because it is in such a unique style. Again, sorry for the delay.

[mistysakura]

Loyalty
by Saffire Persian

-Plot (15/20 points): In terms of actual storyline, there isn’t much, but what is there is more than sufficient for a one-shot. The plot is developed very well, and it keeps us guessing as our suspicions about ‘you’ mount. The most amazing thing about your plot development is how you gradually slip little hints about ‘you’, which are so obvious with the benefit of hindsight, but when reading for the first time the truth about ‘you’ is just enough to create a nagging suspicion. I think that one of the reasons for this is that although it’s a one-shot, there is a lot of action which keeps readers’ minds occupied; in other words, the rest of the plot is captivating enough for us to not notice these hints. Another factor is the humour in the episodes of ‘your’ encounters with the Rat, which lighten the mood and keep us off guard. In terms of plot development, this fic also excels. The initial introduction to the Rat, the various encounters, the minor plot twist which keeps the action moving, the peace before the storm, the climax and resolution are planned out so the story flows well, and there are seldom dull points in the fic. Overall, the plot is sustained very well. The ending is great, both in the plot twist and the sweet little conclusion, which leaves things open. But I wouldn’t classify the plot as particularly exciting. It’s the writing style that makes it interesting.


-Plot Originality (6/10 points): Moderate originality – the truth about ‘you’ isn’t exactly a brand new concept, but it hasn’t been used much either. The twist at the very end is sweet, but we can pretty much foresee a happy ending since it’s quite obvious the fic is a comedy. It’s expected that something will be done to resolve the situation between ‘you’ and the Rat, and one way is nasty; the other way is by something happening to change ‘your’ views. It’s not really much of a surprise which happens. But originality isn’t really what makes this fic.

-Writing Style (18/20 points): This is. Your use of second person viewpoint creates an interesting voice throughout the whole fic, and helps sustain the tone. It’s very effective in creating ‘your’ character, and making us understand the world from ‘your’ view, which is important for your plot. Cynicism and sarcasm are used well to add to the humour of the fic (e.g. “You think you can smell the roses”). Overall, a unique writing style is used throughout the fic, which works very well.

The description in this fic is also superb. It utilizes all the senses to create a vivid image of action, for example when describing the effects of Smog, and when burning the roses. Describing characters using characteristics of their voices is also effective. Your descriptions of battle are filled with action, but not rushed, and have just the right amount of detail so as not to slow down the action. Repetition is used to build up tension to the climax, especially as the car draws nearer, and repetition makes it seem as if things are happening in slow motion.

The one thing I would critique about your writing style is the sometimes random use of statements in parentheses. This orks very well when ‘you’ reflect on your emotions, such as when ‘you’ are getting ready to join the battle. However, at other times these statements in parentheses seem a bit out of place and disrupt the flow. For example, just when the thread of flame appears, and we realize that something important is going to happen, there’s this phrase (But the thread of flame is also a call for reinforcements.) Sure, it explains some of the action, but it’s not that necessary as readers can figure it out for themselves, and it doesn’t seem to fit with the general flow of events. This happens sometimes in other places as well.

-Spelling and Grammar (8/10 points): Mostly typos, but enough to be noticeable in a one-shot. Full list: ‘Rather’ in paragraph 5 shouldn’t be capitalized, ‘sickingly’ (sickeningly), ‘into nearest trashcan’ is missing ‘the’, ‘you hatred and disgust for them’ should be ‘your’, ‘pluming’ (plumbing), ‘listen to me’ has an extra space, ‘you have other ways to get on’ should be ‘get in’, ‘A pile of clothes and a towel… rests’ should be ‘rest’, ‘Imprision’ (Imprison).


-Characters (12/15 points): The characters in this fic are unique, and described well. ‘You’ are especially developed well, through the use of the narrator’s cynical voice, and the second person voice allows readers to see right into ‘your’ mind, and empathise with ‘you’ even more than a first person viewpoint would, which is great for character development. We see ‘your’ irrationality and biases, but this doesn’t alienate ‘you’ from us; in fact, it makes ‘you’ more realistic and human (or maybe not). The resolution is also accomplished without undermining ‘your’ personality, which it easily could have done. It is still plausible because you established that ‘your’ foremost trait isn’t revenge or hatred, but loyalty. Good job.

The Rat and Riley are also described vividly and to great effect. They are one-sided characters, but in this case that’s fine because the point of the fic is that ‘you’re’ biased. It was a nice touch to not give the Rat a name, because that further dehumanizes him. Riley and the Rat are described as opposites using strong imagery, metaphors and smells (which in the end is also significant), which creates a strong impression.

However, there’s one major flaw with your character development: we only see their personalities through ‘your’ eyes. That is true to an extent for any first/second person fic, and it normally isn’t an issue, because first/second person fics have another advantage in that it’s easier to understand the relationship between ‘I’/’you’ and other characters. But the problem in your case is that ‘you’ only give character descriptions, vivid character descriptions, but they are rarely backed up by empirical evidence, i.e. aspects of their personality revealed by their actions. This is shown especially for Riley, who’s apparently the active type, and “smells of gunpowder, of fire and ash – the scent of battle and triumph” (metaphorically). It’s a great image, but her actions in the fic don’t really reflect that, except for facts like she has an exercise room and works in the police force. Her actions just show her to be an average woman, really. Same goes for the Rat, although in his case his personality is supported better; at least ‘you’ talk about him trying to put his arm around Riley, and things like that. I know part of the point is that ‘you’ aren’t objectively seeing their personalities, but still it would have improved characterization to show some actions or dialogue which suited their characters. And it still wouldn’t be out of ‘your’ character, because you could twist their actions to suit your own interpretations.

-Settings (10/15 points): Ahh, who needs settings for short stories? We know enough about the locations (e.g. the house) to be able to visualize what’s happening, and that’s good enough for one-shots, I’d say. In fact, taking time out to describe the settings can disrupt the flow of a one-shot. But I still think the fic could be improved in this area. The metropolis was described well, allowing us to visualize its liveliness; instead of just saying “the metropolis was swarming with activity”, you describe events that are happening, which gives the setting substance. It was also good because it wasn’t just a random setting description, but actually related to “your” task, and the crowd becomes important later.

However, the house, where most of the action takes place, could be developed. Currently, we have the skeleton of a house – we know rooms and stairs exist, but we can’t visualize them. This is especially important in your fic, because “you” move around in the house quite a bit and it contributes to the fic’s action. Description of the house need not be boring “the walls were white and the table cream” either; since you’ve described Riley’s personality and fashion sense so well, you could probably apply that to her house and explain how her personality is reflected in her house. It’s all up to you, of course.

-Overall Appreciation (8/10 points): I’ve pretty much said all I wanted to say. The writing style makes this fic really stand out, and your unique voice also complements other aspects of your fic, such as characterization.

Final Result: 77/100 = 77%.

Closing advice: This fic would have gotten even higher were it not for the plot and plot originality, but you probably can’t do too much about them in a one-shot; it works well enough as it is. Your other weaknesses were the settings, where I suggest you fill in some of those blanks in Riley’s house and maybe the metropolis in general, and characterization, which got a high mark because of superb second-person characterization, but still has its weaknesses. The Rat and Riley need to do things that convince us that they resemble the characters ‘you’ claim them to be. But overall, this fic is fantastic.

[Dragonfree]

Thanks for the review, mistysakura.

For example, although it sort of makes sense that Mark should not go searching for legendaries, it seems like an excuse to continue the trainer aspect of the plot – like Mark, we are not satisfied.

Yeah, I never liked the way that happened in the chapter. I already have plans for how to fix it in the next version, though.

However, when describing new Pokemon, it would be helpful to have a bit more detail so we can picture them. For example, we don’t get much of an impression of Fangcat besides a black Persian with fangs. Mutark is much the same.

Fangcat isn't even black. x.x Gah, I'm a failure at description, aren't I? But yeah, I've gotten better at it in the later chapters.

Sometimes descriptions didn’t make sense in the Pokemon world. For example, when you described the Colour Dragons, you said they were “basically European-style dragons”, but since neither Europe nor non-Pokemon dragons exist in the Pokemon world, the description can be seen as out of place.

Heh, the thing is, if I can't mention dragons, then why would I be able to mention, say, cats when describing something? It's an annoying problem with no good solution - either you describe it exactly as the character would describe it and then it is hardly possible to describe the Pokémon at all without going into extremely extensive and unnecessary detail (e.g. "it had four paws, perked, triangular ears, slitlike pupils, thick fur and a long tail" instead of just saying it was "catlike"), or you take the liberty of referencing creatures from our world even though it technically does not make a lot of sense.

Lastly, sometimes something is mentioned several ties at the expense of other details. For example, in Chapter 23, it was repeatedly emphasised that the pairings for battles wee bad, but this doesn’t contribute to the chapter or the storyline.

It did contribute: it was after all the reason the Pokémon Frenzy Tournament went as it went. So many Pokémon were pitted against something they were no match for at all, gaining undeserved placements, while Scyther and Charmeleon advanced to the finals. The Pokémon Frenzy Tournament has not yet been fully dealt with, so this will come into the story again. It was just a part of the emphasis going through the whole chapter on the fact that the Pokémon Frenzy Tournament was not fairly organized and is in its essence a very foul game.

Only thing I caught was the use of “can not” instead of “cannot” in Chapter 26.

"Can not" is a valid alternate spelling, if not as common. After all, it means "can not", and really there is no good grammatical reason for eliminating the space between the two words. But hey, English is weird.

However, the characters in the fic also have some weaknesses, the most prominent being the one-sidedness of some characters. For example, May is constantly characterised as an uncaring trainer. While a character having a prominent trait isn’t in itself bad, it seems that it’s brought up constantly. In other words, characterisation can lack subtlety. The Pokemon also suffer from this – they seem to have one characteristic, taken to the extreme, especially Scyther. Also, although Mark has a decently developed character, he’s still tending a bit toward the Gary-Stu type. This improves as the fic goes on, but especially earlier in the fic, he seems to have painfully perfect morals. For example, he decides to release Mew literally without a second thought (although the temptation to catch Chaletwo makes him a less flat character in later chapters). And the way he treats Pokemon, and has heart-to-heart talks with them. I mean, it’s really good in terms of the relationship between mark and his Pokemon, but it does create a slightly flat character. The only flaw I can see in him is his lousy battling, but even then, things work out because he trusts his Pokemon.

May is how she is. She repeatedly appears in situations where her personality shines through, and this is it - the reason it is noted so much in the narration is simply how much it sticks out like a sore thumb to Mark, who has such a completely different way of thinking and can't help noticing this in her.

In any case, I don't like speaking of characters in individual "traits". There is no such thing as a trait. A trait is a word and nothing more, and no words, no matter how many, can ever properly outline the infinite complexity of a soul - which is exactly what makes characters such fascinating things. You can go ahead and slap one word onto somebody's personality, but there is always infinitely much more to him or her, and in fact that one word is really a combination of a hundred other words which you could also use together to describe the character a great deal better, and in turn it always comes down to a mind-boggling system of interrelating aspects which can never be properly described in words. The words really have nothing to do with it; all they tell us is whether there exists a word describing this kind of personality or not. I think much the same way of trying to define a good character as one that has "flaws", because I believe in moral relativity and thus there can be no such thing as a "flaw". The only thing that exists is personalities, and the only thing that truly matters for them is believability, whether the personality as a whole makes sense both in itself and in accordance with the character's experiences.

Mark is the way he is because school has made him subconsciously despise the sport of Pokémon battling and his desire to be a trainer is therefore fueled more by the longing to get out, travel and have Pokémon. He hasn't had a proper human friend for a year, instead enjoying most the company of a Vulpix he talks to in his favorite class (glaringly demonstrated by how Vulpix became his favorite non-legendary Pokémon - compare with May's liking for Skarmory, an "overused" Pokémon in competitive battling); of course finding Charmander makes him cherish most the idea of finally having somebody to talk to and play with, and the way he thinks of Pokémon develops accordingly. And in that situation, who would not have released Mew? Mew speaks of the torture of captivity and the pain of resisting the Clone Ball; keeping it would not only be a thing that the far majority of people would find immoral, but in fact just plain stupid once you consider that obviously Mew has no desire to battle for any human, and the only reason Rick could use it was that he was keeping it in a mind-controlling Pokéball. On top of that, Mew has always been an almost religious figure in Mark's mind (unlike Chaletwo whose existence he only recently discovered and additionally seems fishy anyway what with killing people and looking like some sort of a Mewtwo clone), and thinking of it in captivity just violates his general view of the legendaries.

...Oh, dear, I'm writing a speech here. x-X Sorry. Don't get me wrong; I really appreciate that you took the time to read and review. I just disagree on the way you grade characters.

[mr_pikachu]

I'd say it's about time I finished this review...

Scarlet
by Hyperness is a Good Thing

Plot (16/20): My first thought upon reading this was, “What plot?” After all, this is a songfic, so you’re not exactly going to be packing in a bunch of action. But in this case, the idea of the plot has a much different meaning. Instead of focusing on events, you have the progression of the main character’s thoughts and feelings to consider. It’s an unusual plot, but it works in a short piece.

My only real criticism would be that everything seems rushed. We jump from this girl, happy despite her hopeless dream, to a wretched figure who recognizes that her dream has driven her deep into depression (and finally, that the dream will never be realized). You might try to either extend the conclusion so that it doesn’t seem so sudden, or cut it off before the final realization occurs (essentially saying that maybe the dream still can occur). Either one would help to alleviate or lessen the problem of your rushed conclusion.

Admittedly, in terms of space in the story, the transition begins early. But it’s a really drastic change for such a short piece, and it seems very strange due to the speed in which it occurs. The chronology doesn’t help, either, as the whole thing seems to occur in a matter of hours or minutes. Give it some thought.


Plot Originality (7/10): We’ve seen angst fics before, and emotions are often better in short fics like this one, so they’re more common. Still, it’s not quite as common for the whole thing to be about memories, even in a short fic. You get a pretty average score here.


Writing Style (16/20): First of all, this was fairly strong overall. You did well to describe the scenery in tandem with the song, even if your only guideline was the line about the starry sky. The way you melded that with the main character’s backstory was also good.

You did lose some points on the character’s physical description, though. In all frankness, we didn’t need quite so much detail about her physical form, as that really isn’t the point of this fic. But the problem isn’t the lack of necessity for that description. The manner in which it was done, however, was quite blatant. Listing one trait after another has two effects: it makes you seem desperate to get the description in before you forget, and it makes each of her traits forgettable. If you want to include such detail, spread it out. Don’t pack all of her features in at once.

Also, you would have been a little better here had you not included the somewhat unnatural flashback. It would have been hard to avoid in this case, as you have no other dialogue and little time to use other means to explain her story in such a short fic. But it will still cost you a little bit here (although it helps your character description significantly).


Spelling and Grammar (6/10): There were two main problems here. First, I noticed several instances where you needed to place a comma to separate two terms, but none was present. Second – and more commonly – you reverted to past tense improperly several times. In the case of her memories, this was appropriate. But it was unnatural when you were talking about events as they occurred.

“Life without him had no meaning,” is an easy example. “She dreams that he would return to her, and everything would be all right again,” is another, as “would” is a past-tense verb. (The word “will” is correct.) These would normally be small concerns, but in a shorter fic you should be much more precise than usual in spelling and grammar. You don’t have the excuse of overlooking occasional small errors that you would in an epic.


Characters (13/15): This was pretty strong, especially in regard to the main character’s mindset. We have no idea what her name is, and yet we can get inside her mind and know her emotions. Physical description is harder in a short piece, and your attempt could’ve been a little better. But you excelled where it counted – her emotions and backstory were demonstrated fairly well.

You sacrificed a little bit of your writing style’s elegance to pull it off, but it was probably worth it to get the solid background.


Settings (14/15): This was definitely your strongest section. Very solid use of the setting. The landscape was described well in terms of the night sky and the plains, and you used temporary effects like the wind and the bird’s call to perfection. The manner of your description was also excellent, as you conveyed much of it through relational events (the wind blowing through her hair, a gaze toward the vivid stars) rather than merely saying, “the wind blew” and “the stars were bright.” Good job here.


Overall Appreciation (9/10): This was solid overall. You allowed your reader to feel the emotions of your main character, and that’s precisely what you want here. A bit of work on your weaker areas will make this quite strong.


Final Result: 81/100 = 81%


Closing Advice: Songfics are very tough to write. Not only do you suffer from the same struggles with limited space as you would with any short fic, but you also have to conform to the song itself. You did very well to score so highly here. Remember, though, that any mistake is magnified in a short piece. Refine your grammar, reconsider your plotline, and consider a little less physical description of your character. You don’t have time in a short piece to get absolutely everything, so find the important elements and show us everything about them. Sharpen this, and you could have an exceptional work.

[mistysakura]

Look who decided to turn up. I'm really sorry this took so long. As you can see, I certainly wrote enough to make up for it. The quality, however... this was a difficult review to do because of the sheer size of the fic, among other things. I hope it helps.

Monica's Vendetta
Chris 2.0

-Plot (12/20 points):

The plot has been set up to have multiple threads (Monica’s side, Chrome’s side, lee’s side, Phoenix’s side, the villains’ sides…) which ultimately interweave to form a complex plot. You’ve done a credible job in keeping all these subplots up. However, sometimes these plots seem to get in the way with each other. For example, just when Monica’s side of the story reaches a climax as they free Mortimer, Afee and Boko, we suddenly switch to Phoenix’s side for no apparent reason. These seemingly unrelated plots also make the story lack unity at the moment, although when you bring the threads together I’m sure the plot will be stronger. I like how you recapped the story so far in chapter 1, so that new readers could still understand what was happening, and the fic was a natural extension of the summary.

The plot seems to be overly reliant on the search of artifacts which exist for no apparent reason. Although they have very interesting properties (for example, the feud between Soul Sword and Spirit Sword is captivating), it too often seems that the plot is guided by them rather than the characters. Lee is forced to hunt for the other half of the Mask of Babylon, Gauld is forced to fight in the duel between the two swords, Lusaka-Lae and Roger are caught up in the search for the Wysha Diamond…it all seems very passive. I can’t relate to these people’s quests at all because it seems almost as if the artifacts control their lives more than the people themselves. Take the two swords, for example; Gauld and Lee are just thrown into this mess created years and years ago without any choice, and the decisions they make to influence the outcome of the legend are limited. This makes me care less about what happens.

-Plot Originality (7/10 points):

Really, I don’t know if this story’s original or not. I guess it’s because there are so many different plotlines it’s difficult to sum up what the fic’s about overall, and to evaluate if it’s original. The artifacts are certainly original, with good backstories (the ones we know of, anyway). The quests to find such artifacts and save them from the hands of unsavoury characters have been done many times though. The whole “my stepparent is evil but my birth parent won’t believe it” thing has also been done. There are some good plot twists though, such as the location of the other half of the Mask of Babylon (I really didn’t see that one coming, and it was quite shocking and effective). However, some of the plot twists are a bit out of the blue, such as Serena returning all of a sudden.

-Writing Style (11/20 points):

Your writing style is very clear, allowing readers to understand what is happening all of the time. Considering that’s the primary function of writing, it’s a good thing. It’s also quite concise and fresh; sometimes this poses problems though, but I’ll elaborate later. Description is generally fair, and features some startlingly effective word choices such as clouds being ‘fat, bloated, and ready to burst with sparkling rain’. However, sometimes you use very general words when more specific words would add substance to the description. For example, in Chapter 1 you have “she was sitting in a beautiful garden, laden with many pretty flowers”. This doesn’t show me how beautiful the garden is at all; it just tells me it’s pretty and has flowers. I understand that you didn’t want to spend a long time on the garden when it’s not too important, but with precise words description can be more effective without taking up extra space. Something like, I don’t know, “she was sitting in a garden laden with roses in full bloom, the scent of lavender permeating the air”. I’m sure you can come up with something better than mine.

On the other hand, when you use lots of adjectives and adverbs to try to make descriptions more vivid, quite often they feel out-of-place and actually detract from the reader’s overall impression of what is being described. For example, in the sentence “The sun was beating down frightful rays of powerful sunlight”, the word ‘frightful’ detracts from the description because we never end up seeing anything frightening about this sunlight. It seems like you’re just describing a hot day. Other than confusing what you’re trying to say, redundancy can also make prose awkward. In the above example, because the sun was already specified as the subject, using ‘sunlight’ later on sounds awkward.

The choice of words particularly suffers when you have dialogues. The problem is not in the dialogues themselves, but the modifiers attached to the speakers. Adverbs are used so frequently they begin to stick out, and sometimes they are contradictory. For example, I recall seeing someone who ‘screamed happily’. The modifiers also sometimes don’t fit the content of the dialogue; for instance, you have someone speaking ‘musingly’ when they are on the verge of being killed.

There’s another problem with the description of characters; they tend to be very static. Although you provide a lot of detail which helps us imagine the characters, sometimes it starts to sound like a list of the character’s features, which gets tedious. For example, in “he wore black trousers and shiny, black boots. His hair was thin and balding, while he had a crooked nose” it’s mostly a list of adjective-noun, adjective-noun… This also has the effect that it seems like the character’s just standing there while you’re painting a portrait of them. You list what colour their clothes are, their hair colour, face shape etc.; in the meantime it seems like they’re standing there and all action has ground to a halt. This especially detracts from action scenes; for example, when Monica and her friends were breaking Mortimer, Afee and Boko out of prison, the pace is initially fast, but then a whole paragraph is spent on each character’s description, which makes it less exciting. It is necessary to describe the effects prison had had on them, but perhaps not as extensively, or at a later time when the characters can pause and reflect. I do like the description you used in Chapter 17 though, in the lead-up to Monica and co. entering the palace. The way you contrasted the characters, with Monica dressed for a funeral and Chrome’s metallic body, made their entrance very dramatic, and it was a good way to begin the showdown.

Your best description is easily found in battle scenes. You describe these in lots of detail, but still keep the pace up so we’re excited to see the outcome. The effects of attacks are described particularly well so they’re easily visualized and we feel the sheer power of the attacks.

The dialogue between characters is usually good and reflects their personalities well; this is seen especially with Nat, as her temper is easily seen in her speech. However, dialogue can be very stilted sometimes, especially when it is used as a narrative device. Sometimes when using dialogue to give information to readers, the character behind the speech ends up losing their personality. For example, when Monica explains what happened to her in chapter 11, it sounds exactly like what the narrator would say, except in first person. There are phrases like ‘but I prevailed’, ‘to no avail’ and ‘triumphed over these illnesses’, which don’t sound like normal speech. Sometimes, when a character is being used to narrate, their point of view is forgotten. For instance, Tekaru says he trained and became ‘utterly fantastic’. This would be fine for an omniscient narrator, but from Tekaru’s mouth it makes him sound incredibly arrogant. In general, in order to avoid stilted dialogue, it must be ensured that when narrating, characters still stay in character. Things like other characters interjecting can also be used to break up a long narrative and make the situation seem more like a conversation than a monologue.


-Spelling and Grammar (8/10 points):
Mostly okay. Spelling-wise, there are just some typos here and there, and the repeated use of ‘lightening’ (making something light) instead of ‘lightning’ (the flash). There are also some random switched homonyms, like ‘weather or not’ instead of ‘whether or not’. Grammar-wise, sometimes you left out apostrophes when talking about people’s possessions, and sometimes words were unnecessarily capitalized, such as Inn and Father, which are not proper nouns. At times sentences just sounded odd for various reasons. Random example: “Striking Martha, the woman gave a shriek and dropped her knife.” This sounds like Martha struck herself as the woman is both the subject and the object. It should be ‘upon the lightning striking her, Martha gave a shriek and dropped her knife.’ Mostly the mistakes don’t hinder our understanding of what’s going on, but they just don’t sound right.

-Characters (9/15 points):

Given the sheer number of characters in this fic, you’ve done a good job setting up their distinct personalities. Characters introduced in previous installments continue to develop (the development of Nat’s ferocity and ruthlessness particularly stands out), while much is also revealed of the personalities of new characters. It’s a bit overwhelming when a bunch of new characters is introduced at once (e.g. Karadon and his brothers), and for a while they seem indistinguishable, but I understand it’s necessary for the plot to introduce them together. Actually, you did pretty well in that situation; from the start you made it clear that Karadon was the most outspoken, Therebus the most mysterious etc.; it was just easy to mix them up initially, which couldn’t be avoided.

I like what you’ve done with a few characters such as Al, Tekaru and Pyrites; as well as just describing what they’re like, you let us know their philosophies, and what drives their decisions innately. You have Roger—although not on ‘the good side’ and using his sons a lot of the time, you can still tell he cares for them. You have Al and Tekaur, driven by their faith and logic respectively, so we can really understand their personalities from the inside out. You have Pyrites with his… interesting ideas on good and evil, and at this point it’s hard to tell if he believes he’s doing the right thing. It’s not all black and white, which makes him an interesting character.

However, these constant reminders of one aspect of a person can backfire. For example, Al’s logic and Tekaru’s faith always seem to come up in conflicts. While it’s important to keep characters consistent, if it is often spelt out that a character acts in a certain way, their personality begins to lose subtlety. It also sometimes feels that Al and Tekaru’s characters, rather than being characters for their own sake, are merely used to illustrate a point about faith vs. logic. This isn’t a big problem though, because you also flesh these characters out with other characteristics like Tekaru’s leadership qualities.

It is made clear where each character stands (except perhaps some of the villains), and we can empathise with the main characters easily because of this. For example, because Nat’s emotions and train of thought are clearly displayed when she thought Monica was dead, we can really understand what she was going through. However, I feel that this approach lacks subtlety at times. In the same scene, it sounds a bit strange to have Nat pouring her emotions out verbally. While we understand that she has cracked under the emotional pressure, hearing things like “I act so tough, so…distant from everybody else, and she thinks I’m not grateful for the things that she did!” is still odd because she most likely wouldn’t recognize her own toughness and defense mechanisms. It would be fine in narrative, but when using speech to convey a character’s emotions, again it must be ensured that it would fit with what they think of themselves.

Sometimes the characters can act unrealistically. Aside from oddly literary speech, sometimes characters seem to act in certain ways to fit the plot, rather than the other way round. For example, Damien and Salo’s puppy love is understandable from Salo’s side, but Damien’s shyness seems unlike him. Sure, characters have different sides, but to have this aspect of his character only appear when Salo asks him out, and never again, seems a bit odd. Their relationship seems to spring out of nowhere, and is almost utilitarian in that it seems to be a device to make the search for Damien more urgent, because it’s only introduced in the chapter Damien goes missing. I’m not convinced that it’s a natural progression for them to be together given their previous personalities.

-Settings (12/15 points):

The setting is generally good and interesting. You describe each place the characters travel to distinctly. For example, we get a clear picture of the opulence of the palace, in contrast to the towns the characters normally pass through on their journeys. The setting is also used well in battles, such as the use of the chasm opened in Gauld and Garu’s battle, and the use of the rooftop in the scene where Alan dies. Sometimes the descriptions are insufficient though, as previously mentioned.

-Overall Appreciation (6/10 points): This is a very entertaining read, with nice twists and turns and good action. Given this is the third of a trilogy, though, there are still a lot of improvements to be made. The characters lack believability at times, and the description tends to either sound out of place or overly generic and flat. The plot also lacks a bit of focus and direction; I tried to summarise what it was about and couldn’t. It’s hard when a fic’s an epic like this; so many characters, so many plotlines. You’ve done a pretty good job though.

Final Result: 65/100 = 65%.

Closing advice: Pretty much what I said above (you don’t want any more pages on description, do you?) With the plot, maybe you just have to sit down and think about what the story is that you want to tell. Figure out which plotline is the most important, and what the other subplots are doing to complement it. Above all, what are you trying to convey? I’m not talking about the storyline so much at this point. If you wanted people to finish reading your fic with one impression, what would it be? It doesn’t have to be some moral or something. Maybe it’s just the group’s courage to fight in the battle between good and evil (yeah I know I come up with clichéd examples), or their friendship, or something like that. Right now the fic seems to be so complicated we can’t see the core any more. Writing style-wise, mostly the descriptions just have to make more sense, and keep the pace you’re aiming for in mind when you decide how long to spend on describing each thing. More precise words can often be used to give a sharper and more accurate impression than a lot of generic words, and can also make description less chunky, maintaining the flow. Dialogue-wise, it’s mainly about thinking about whether a person would actually speak in such a manner. With the characters, it’s great that you’re making them distinct, but sometimes character building could be more subtle. That’s all from me, really.

[Bulbasaur4]

The Phoenix Saga
Dr. McNinja

-Plot (16/20 points):

The plot here takes some very typical aspects and twists them into something completely different. In the beginning the plot seemed rather typical- there is a legend, one character fits the legend and must fight against it and what-not. However, once the characters enter the Guardian’s realm it takes a different turn. The plot itself is typical yet the setting in which it takes place molds the plot into something different. Guardians that seem like grandiose beasts are made more human and easier for the reader to understand and relate to.

However, while the plot itself is entertaining and it is interesting to see where you take things next, it moves rather slowly. There are some great action pieces and pivotal moments where the plot takes a drastic turn but it generally takes a while.

Another thing that struck me as I began to analyze the plot, was that there doesn’t ever seem to be a set plot. Like the characters, the reader is swept up and thrown into individual plots step by step. I rather like this ‘not knowing’ where the plot actually is going or will end up. The characters don’t know where they have to go and neither does the reader, and it puts a fun twist on things.

Overall, I’d say just try to pick up the pace a little so not to bore the reader too much with description or details that could be ‘discovered’ by the reader. I’d also recommend on throwing a big twist into the story. While there are things that are very original and unique (such as the description of magic, which I love), there never is a really dramatic turn of events that I didn’t expect. I knew that certain characters would be okay, I knew that they’d escape this one point and such… Try to throw in something that fits and yet is unexpected. It doesn’t have to be bad, but it’ll help not only move the plot but separate your story from the rest of fantasy.

-Plot Originality (6.5/10 points):
This was a hard category for me. On one hand, the plot is fantasy to technically everything is pretty unique. Yet it did fall into a few clichés.
The beginning of the story was the part that worried me. It follows the typical start of many, many fantasy fics where there is one person who fits the description of a legend, and then it just happens that the whole community except for a few friends hate him and yadaya. While as the fic goes on, this plot dies out it never really fully goes away and is brought up by a few characters a few times again.

Another aspect that made me a little annoyed was that I could predict most of the events in the story. I knew what would happen when certain events were thrown in and I knew how the characters would react. I also knew who would live and etc. That is a bit of a downer and I kept waiting for some huge plot twist that would make me gape or catch me off guard but it never came. While it could come from later chapters, it is important to have them through out the fic- especially in the beginning so your reader doesn’t get bored. Throw in a plot twister- it doesn’t have to be sad, but generally it should be something that throws a big wrench into the machine of your story. It might be tough to work around, but it’ll pay off big time.

Other than those two things, the plot itself was unique. Being a fantasy fic, it is to be expected that the fic is unique. The setting itself isn’t that unique in name (Gaia) but the description of the magical flows, the elements and the city is extremely unique once the main human characters leave their world. That is probably where things get really original and unique. Did I mention I love how you describe the use of magic?

-Writing Style (17/20 points):
This is where the story scores high marks for me. I think the fiction is written extremely well and it flows very nicely. The use of words and the descriptions of everything make it really easy for the reader to imagine everything quite clearly. Not only is it easy to read but the transitions are nicely done and nothing seems to jump.

The only big thing was that a few parts just moved so darn slow. While it is important to write description, I think some times (especially towards the later chapters) there was simply too much description. It was to the point where some times there was a long paragraph explaining the meaning behind every sentence the character said or action the character made. While it is good to give us a glimpse into a character’s mind or a detailed description of an action, it also can be tedious to the reader if you overdose. You have to let the reader sometimes make their own connections- let them come to their own conclusions of how the character would feel or react or what their swing might look like precisely. If you don’t do this, the reader will feel cheated or get tired from so much explanation. Also, when you have your character explain some aspects of the world it gets confusing. Try to make things more concrete and easy to understand- abstract is good, too much abstract is bad.

-Spelling and Grammar (8/10 points):
I am definitely not one to talk about spelling and grammar and I focus too much on other things to notice. The only things I saw were a few spelling errors or synonym misplaces. I noticed a few weird sentences that could be redone but other than that it seemed fine to me. It was nothing so drastic that it prevented me from having a good read.

-Characters (14/15 points):
Another high scoring area. The characters are absolutely delightful. Every single one is well thought out and has their own distinct personality. I especially am a fan of the girls, due to the fact that they seem the most distinct where as Caylen and Weslyn sorta blended into each other, being a classical best friend duo. I liked that however and think if you went to contrast them too much it would have made the characters hard to mesh together- which you did excellently. The supporting characters were a bit bland, but I think that worked well being how your four main characters should shine more than your supporting cast. (Although they were all really similar except for some one-dimensional traits.) The only reason I deducted a point was because Caylen seems like he is the main character, but his personality is very typical or ‘Mary Sue’-like for a protagonist. The evil ‘mysterious’ character also is rather typical.

-Settings (13/15 points):
I really like your description of the overall settings. While the beginning’s setting was rather typical and ‘blah’, as the fic moved onwards the setting grew far more interesting. ESPECIALLY with the magical layer concept and the seeing the flows and the whole relation between magic and the creatures upon Gaia. That really raises the bar for other writers when they are trying to describe magic and its properties.

I also like your city descriptions as well. You just wrote everything nicely and I don’t think you over described too much of the settings either.

-Overall Appreciation (8/10 points):
The fiction is definitely a good story and extremely interesting. Readers might get fatigued by the lengthy descriptions and slow points, but it redeems itself drastically by great character development and interaction. The setting is a delightful read and the subtle plot differences that set it apart from most fantasy fiction allows the reader to want to continue reading. I recommend it highly for a fantasy fan who likes some new concepts (for the later half) or for good old-fashioned fantasy people who like a good mystery at times.

Final Result: 82.5/100 = 82.5%

Closing advice: Same as above. I really think you should try to quicken the pace a little bit, as I personally found it slow and sometimes I had to fight the urge to skip over some long description in every action and thought. To help this, it might be a good thing to perhaps add more dialogue or throw in that unexpected plot twist that I mentioned before. Not only will it liven things up but it also will help develop your awesomely developed characters even further. I expect good things in the future for this fiction and I no doubt foresee some great plots twists and a fun ending. Keep up the good work!

[mr_pikachu]

Spinner-out of Fate
by fireguardian

Plot (15/20 points): Overall, the plot was very interesting. You were wise to draw some ideas from the Bible; there's a reason it's the all-time bestselling book, after all. And it carried some of your own interpretive twists, as well – I admit that it's been awhile since I've read the Bible, but I certainly don't recall Jesus killing a little boy for kicking some sand. Very good way to keep the unexpected in a work that we all feel like we should know.

I was a little disappointed with the second half, though. The first half was very strong and fast-paced; I considered a very high score in plot for awhile. But later on it seemed to slow down. Things got a little repetitive, and it seemed a little awkward at times. It was really frustrating when the text got dry for awhile, and then suddenly we find out that another year passed. The first part of the work was all about a single year, but later it just jumped around for no obvious reason.

Furthermore, it was never clear what happened with those two tutors who Joseph and Jesus met before leaving Nazareth. In fact, it felt like there were a lot of gaps at times that weren't present earlier in the piece. Even if things weren't left hanging, it still felt like we should have known more about what was happening rather than getting brief moments that seemed to have little connection to one another. Events that probably should have been paramount felt inconsequential without sufficient context.


Plot Originality (9/10 points): Okay, you can't expect a perfect score here, if only because you're basing a lot of things on the Bible. But this was still very original; I haven't seen anything like this for a very long time. As I mentioned before, you did well to shock us with twists, especially those in the early stages (such as Jesus' wrath). It certainly wasn't easy to foresee what would happen from one paragraph to the next; while Jesus was certainly capable of fixing most calamities, the excitement of watching everything unfold was excellent. Nicely done here.


Writing Style (16/20 points): This was top-notch early on, and was the only area in which I actually considered giving a perfect score. (I'm not the kind of reviewer who gives perfect scores, either, so kudos for even making me consider that for such a major category.) The way in which everything and everyone was portrayed was just stellar, and every word seemed to be carefully chosen for maximum effect. The interactions were brilliant (Jesus and Zacchaeus' conversation and its results made me laugh), and everything seemed perfectly constructed.

Unfortunately, things started to get awkward shortly before the family's epic departure. As was mentioned before, the timeline ground to a halt and skipped inexplicably in turn, which made reading a little frustrating. And I found myself asking questions about things that should have been more clearly explained – for instance, what exactly happened with that guy who had the wood in his leg? The incident itself was not described well, and I never could figure out if Jesus did anything about it. Other issues felt a little contrived, like Judas' sudden insanity. (Even the text said he was like that for awhile, that was never really discussed until he went raving mad and attacked Jesus, and it was ignored once more after the incident was over.)

Things like that should have had much greater detail much earlier, to set the stage for critical moments. Otherwise they seem like they were just thrown in there for effect without sufficient planning.


Spelling and Grammar (8/10 points): The spelling here was better than most, as errors were few and far between. But your grammar was less than perfect; I noticed a lot of run-on sentences with far too many commas, and there were also some instances of improper wordings (most of which involved missing words, especially conjunctions). In general, commas were overused. Still, I've seen much worse grammar than this, so you doesn't deserve anything worse than an average rating here.


Characters (9/15 points): Jesus was portrayed well. We really delved into his character, his state of mind, and even his inner conflicts. You showed his uniqueness, his diligence, his curiosity, and even his childishness. Some things seemed a little unusual, like why we would be indifferent about things that you explicitly said would have a strong effect on anyone else. But he is Jesus, after all, so I'll grant you that.

On the other hand, everyone else seemed to be mostly cookie-cutter characters. Joseph seemed like a stupid idiot, Jesus' friends were either playmates or worshippers, his mother was tired and sad, Judas was insane, the townspeople were blinded by rage and fear... see what I'm driving at? You shouldn't be able to describe fairly major characters with one feature, but that's how they appear. They're all one-dimensional characters who really ought to have more depth, even if they aren't the focus.


Settings (11/15 points): This wasn't overly impressive. You did touch upon the settings at a few different points, but the descriptions really never quite seemed full. On a few occasions, I found myself wishing that we'd become familiar with the territory before the landscape became important. For instance, when Zeno fell off the roof, I hadn't realized that Jesus was standing on a rooftop (or that they were even accessible, for that matter). Such things are important to know before they become crucial to the plot. In this regard, it's a lot like some of the problems with the writing style later in the fic.


Overall Appreciation (8/10 points): This is a good work, to be sure. It's certainly a worthwhile read; the beginning is fascinating in its details. It does drag a bit later, but that doesn't mean it's not worth a look.


Final Result: 76/100 = 76% (as a percentage).


Closing advice: The score is a little strange, if only because this really felt like two separate works. In the beginning things felt fast-paced (even though the whole first half encompassed a single year), and I couldn't help but grin at the way Jesus handled everything. From his purity as a child to the odd displays of his power to his incessant reference to Joseph as “his mother's husband,” everything was excellent. That part deserved a score at least in the upper 80s; I was tempted to give my first score in the 90s for awhile.

The problem was that it wasn't sustained. Even though several years passed in the second half, it felt like all the action slowed down. Reading became a chore, to be honest. The plot started going in circles; people mocked Jesus, Jesus performed a miracle, and suddenly everyone was afraid and in awe. All the while, Jesus became very introspective and despondent (and yet he occasionally played games with friends who he wasn't supposed to have).

This work would have been a lot better if you could've kept the excitement of the early parts. The way in which Jesus handled every obstacle before him was excellent; later on, he tended not to care. It all really lost its magic, to be honest. The mood shifted downward when the comedy and action were lost – only a few exceptions like that of the dyer were left – and there wasn't much left to make you want to read. I know that by following some events in the Bible, you have to follow a path that may not make for easy prose. But you deviated from it enough in other areas that I would've liked to see a little more creative license to keep things moving smoothly. Instead the fic seemed to get stuck in a rut. Considering how strong your writing was in the beginning, that's a bit of a disappointment.

[mistysakura]

Divinity
by Bulbasaur4

-Plot (13/20 points):

The plot definitely isn’t straightforward (for example, I thought that we’d just be following Brot’mau and Kiiah’s to save the North), and there’s probably a lot that still being set up, so it’s difficult to tell how good the plot is. Sometimes the plot seems a bit random, without cause and effect (hey, a little girl just turned up! And a dragon! And she happens to have healing powers!), but I’m sure it will all make sense eventually, and all the little things that are being introduced now will fit into the story.
You've structured the story so that it switches between three perspectives, which works well here. The scenes with Lavielle and Laravati increase the urgency of Kiiah, Gaishun and Christian's quests. You generally switch perspectives when a conflict has been resolved or a plan of action decided upon, which means perspectives don't get in each others' way (although switching perspectives as a cliffhanger is an interesting technique too). However, sometimes when going back to a perspective from some other view, it does disrupt the continuity of what you're trying to express. For example, you have two scenes with Kiiah mourning (she goes into it after she grows the eighth tail, then again before she meets Keishun), with two scenes with Gaishan and Christian and one with Lavielle and Laravati in between. Breaking the two scenes up seems to make them less emotional, especially when the fscenes are so far apart. It takes a while in the second scene to build up the emotions again. Perhaps combining the two scenes would work better, or placing them closer together.

-Plot Originality (8/10 points):

You’ve put a lot of effort into plot twists; although the ideas themselves are not groundbreaking (deaths, werewolves and good guys turning out to be evil have been done many times over), you’ve done well in both making the twists believable, so they don’t come out of the blue, and in keeping them fresh so we never know what’s going to happen next. Also, you use plot twists effectively to develop character, such as by contrasting the stereotype of vicious werewolves with Christian’s ambivalence. It never feels like a plot twist is solely for the purpose of throwing the audience off-track, which is nice.

-Writing Style (15/20 points):

In general, the writing style is beautiful. It is especially effective when describing the amazing scenery in which the characters dwell (more about this in ‘Settings’). You have some fresh and effective choices of words; one that is particularly jarring is Lavielle ‘gutting him like a swollen fish’. You also portray characters’ emotions well, making them very dramatic. Little details that betray a character, such as Christian ‘cringing… at the sound of his sharp voice slicing the silence’ are effective because we can physically see the goings-on int eh character's mind. You do not hesitate to delve into dark moments such as the beheading of the child and Kiiah attempting to lift Brot'mau's body off the stalagmite; you cut into the heart of darkness without being overly dramatic. It's also great how you use sounds, such as the snapping tendons in the prologue and the song of the forest, and not just visual images, to give us an impression of events.

Your writing style could be more assertive at points; for example, the overuse of ‘seeming’ and ‘almost’ tends to weaken your imagery. At times it just doesn’t make sense. You can’t have something ‘seemingly marble’; it either is or is not. It makes sense when someone’s observing another person’s reactions or emotions though, because these aren’t directly visible and the character is guessing at another’s emotions through their facial expressions.

Sometimes a bit too much time is spent on description, which slows down the pace of events. For example, in the duel between Gaishan and Christian, every movement is drawn out. It takes more than two long sentences to draw and point a blade: “With that, Gaishan narrowed his eyes and swiftly he clasped his hand about the hilt of his sword. He could feel the power radiating from the beautifully crafted weapon as he slowly slid it out of its sheath, the ring of the metal echoing into the air. Pointing the long, magnificent blade of black at Christian…” Even if this is some very special sword, taking so long to describe every detail when a conflict is beginning makes it seem like they’re arguing in slow motion or something. In the battle itself, it’s important that the reader understands what each person is doing, so a bit more detail is warranted, but there are things you can do, such as using shorter sentences, that can make the pace faster in contrast to scene where the characters are just walking or something.

-Spelling and Grammar (6/10 points):

There are quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but not enough to constitute more than a minor annoyance. Watch for homonyms such as ‘waste’ vs. ‘waist’, ‘of’ vs. ‘off’. Also, sometimes words are split up incorrectly; for example, ‘underestimate’, ‘somewhere’ and ‘without’ are generally single words. There’s confusion between singular and plural forms sometimes; for example, because blood and sound are singular, ‘blood was’ and ‘sound was’ are correct, as opposed to ‘blood were and ‘sound were’ (although you can say ‘sounds were’).

But the most glaring mistake is that Laravati’s name permanently changes to Laravarti in Chapter 9.

-Characters (11/15 points):

The characters are all very distinct. You’ve got Kiiah with her initial innocence and grace and shades of grey (I like how you use that to describe the many facets of her character and how you can’t pin her down), Brot’mau with his protectiveness and warrior-like thinking, Christian who is young but desperately wants to learn… It’s great how the characters themselves drive the plot. For example, if Gaishan and Christian’s personalities didn’t clash so much, if Gaishan were less impatient and Christian less patronizing, the duel would never have happened, and if Christian were not so willing to take care of those falling under his wing, the whole incident with Alexiel would never have happened either. The characters are making their own destinies, rather than letting events happen to them. I hope that the 'evil' characters such as Laravati and Lavielle are similarly developed. At the moment we don't know their motives; it will be interesting to see what drives their acts of destruction.

At times the characters seem a bit exaggerated, Kiiah and Alexiel in particular. Kiiah’s supposed to be a childish, innocent character in the beginning, but I don’t even see children flinging their arms around and saying “and we can eat lots of food and play games!”, let alone Kiiah, who is physically mature though young. Alexiel too falls too neatly into the little-girl-without-a-care-in-the-world stereotype; it doesn’t seem realistic that she’d randomly claim Gaishan and Christian as her parents and live on happily ever after. Then again, Alexiel doesn’t ever seem quite real; she’s a mystery, so I’m sure her character will make more sense in the future.

There’s also a tendency for characterization to be spelt out to the reader. You often use the device of characters passing judgments upon other characters; while it’s good to see this interaction, sometimes it makes me wonder if we’re supposed to see their interpretations as just opinions, one side of the story, or as canon. For example:

She was very cheerful and almost child-like, but yet at times it seemed as if a pool of wisdom was drawn into her as if she knew more than what she led on. It was intriguing and yet startling at the same time to Brot’mau and he still wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

I’m not sure if this is Brot’mau’s take on Kiiah, or an authoritative statement on her character. It feels almost as if I’m being told what to think of Kiiah, when I should be able to form my own opinion based on her actions. You’ve done such a good job on showing us who Kiiah is to ruin it with this type of summing-up statement.

-Settings (13/15 points):

The setting is absolutely beautiful. I love how the world feels so alive, like all the different locations have their own souls. Zion reliving its own demise is described hauntingly, and it really feels like I’m standing there. Old blood turning to new, the screaming, the city coming ‘alive’… The details like the faded roofs and brown vines are great as well. The connection between Kiiah and the forest, how she can hear the ghosts laughing and how its spirit is aroused in song and encourages her to live, is described well. The only thing is that sometimes you still feel the need to tell the readers things, like that Zion was a sight to behold. It’s redundant with all the fantastic description in front of me. With non-physical setting, I like how you’ve put a lot of the realm’s history into the story, and you show how the world now is affected by the events of the past, such as the change in the role of ashkrin.

-Overall Appreciation (8/10 points):

... didn't I just say it was a good fic? I liked it because it was fun to read and had a lot of emotion that was described in much detail. And of course the setting was superb. However, I would enjoy it more if the characters were a bit more realistic and the fic was paced a bit better in general. Plus some little quirks.

Final Result: 74/100 = 74%.

Closing advice:

You've done a good job and I look forward to continuing to enjoy your fic. Taking a deeper look at how your characters think would be good. You're doing well with characters such as Brot'mau and Keishun, and Kiiah is getting better, but people like Alexiel could use a bit more development. It's a bit hard to get inside her head at the moment. Instead of having a description like "she is childlike and has mysterious powers" in your head, try to understand where she comes from and how she'd react to situations; although she is a child, children act in a way that makes sense to them too. With pacing, I'm really not an expert on that, but maybe try varying your style in different scenes, for example by using a more direct style during fast-paced scenes. Sometimes events happen out of the blue in the middle of nowhere in the plot (such as Laravati and Lavielle going to the temple), so the pacing gets a bit messy; maybe you could put in some information linking those scenes to other scenes that are going on simultaneously, or leave references to past or future scenes, so the story links together better. Oh yeah, and spelling and grammar. Methinks that's it. Sorry it took so long (again).

[mistysakura]

Digimon: Frontier Legacy
by mario72486

Plot: 12/20

The plot is extremely straightforward so far: a group of five is chosen to defeat the Dark One. As evidenced by the huge popularity of generic Digimon fics and Pokemon trainer fics, journeys and good versus evil plots never get old. The question is whether these plots can be used well. In this fic’s case, the storyline becomes predictable very quickly. As Aaron says, once they get into serious danger and every Digimon form is defeated, the spirit will pop up miraculously, giving its bearer incredible power. Also, the potential owner of the spirit always loses heart, only to be taught a lesson, such as the value of friendship or the value in protecting friends. It seems as if the cliché is intentional, given that Aaron draws attention to it; it could be that things are going too smoothly, and there is some sinister explanation. However, at the moment, the plot still drags because of this. Two or three deus ex machinas are acceptable to draw attention to the strange coincidences, but five identical miracles in a row merely makes things predictable. The cause of these coincidences seems to be that we as readers don’t know how finding spirits works, so all we can do is watch our heroes follow the spirits around until they turn up of their own accord. If there was something specific the protagonists had to go to get the spirits, the ways they get there could be varied and more interesting.

Since the fic has just begun, the plot has so much potential. You could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere, with this plot, and perhaps it’s unfair to be making a judgment at this early stage. It’ll be interesting to see what happens next.


Plot Originality: 5/10

There are some really original twists, like the SnowAgumon reforming (and the reason they reform), and Ryan not knowing how to use his powers. They make the fic exciting. On the flip side, the plot in general is not that original: so far it’s the typical “kids are chosen to save the world” plot. The turning point of every battle – having a friend to cheer you on and stop you from giving up – is also commonly used. Because the plot isn’t new, original twists are needed to make the fic feel fresh. Even small things, such as cell phones turning into magical devices, and background music to Archivamon’s search entries, help. Further along the track, some big plot twists could be brought in so that we’re always kept on our toes.


Writing Style: 16/20

The battles are excellent. They are described clearly, so that we can clearly picture everything that’s going on. The tactics, such as using a diversion against a decoy attack, are fresh. However, the battles all have one thing in common: the villain totally overpowers the Chosen Ones, and the only ones left are those without spirits – then someone finds their spirit and defeats the villain easily. So for the first half, it’s entirely downhill, then it’s entirely uphill. If the battles took different forms each time, it would make the fic more interesting. Also, if the battle were more evenly balanced to begin with, it would be more realistic that having a boost of willpower would help the Chosen defeat their opponents. On a different note, it would be interesting to see the Chosen develop their own battle styles.

There are many unique turns of phrases, like “sweating bullets” and “spaghetti legs”, which jump out at the reader and leave an impression. However, at times they may be used inappropriately, giving a situation a comic feel which may be unwanted. For example, it’s funny when Leo sweats bullets, but given that Stingmon is trying to impress the Chosen Ones as a ruler, it sweating bullets seems out of character.

Sometimes, descriptions could be spiced up. Currently, they paint us a clear picture of the situation, but they could be more dramatic, connecting with readers emotionally. For example, Meramon is like “hellfire”, but what details about him make him scary? And how exactly is Samuraimon’s mask “strange”? It’s these little details that engage the reader. Events, too, can be spiced up in this way. For example, if Aaron’s expression and muddied state were described after he fell into all those traps, the situation would be much funnier.

On the other hand, there are things which could be left to readers’ deductions. For example, in Chapter 3, the Dark One explains that he doesn’t want the Chosen Ones to gain more power, which is self-explanatory. When Ryan pulls off his awesome diversion and retrieves the Chosen Ones’ devices, it’s a brilliant moment, but it’s ruined by Ryan explaining what he just did, when the readers already understand. And when we’re in awe of the facilities in the underground village, there is no need to tell us that it is stunning. Trust yourself.  It’s difficult to tell how much detail or explanation is needed, and some of it comes down to personal taste, so it’s just something to be aware of.


Spelling and Grammar: 8/10

Spelling and grammar are sound overall. Occasionally there are typos which aren’t caught by spell check, and there are homonym errors such as its vs. it’s. A recurring error occurs with words such as “embarrassingly” and “worryingly”. Both of these are adverbs, which indicate that a person is acting in a manner that makes others embarrassed or worried. In the context of the fic, it is the characters themselves who are embarrassed or worried, so adjectives should be used. There are also words which don’t really exist, like “face-fell” (which should be something like “his face fell”) and “sweatdropped” (since this doesn’t occur outside of anime, there is no single word and it’s usual to say “he sweated”, or the long-winded “a drop of sweat rolled down her forehead”).


Characters: 10/15

A great effort has been made to distinguish the characters from one another, both physically and personality-wise. Physically, some characters are described better than others. The best descriptions in your fic are those that give characters distinctive, memorable characteristic, such as Ryan with the headphones. At other times, character descriptions can turn into an inventory of their characteristics, whether or not they make the character unique. For example, the first description of Aaron lists his height, hair colour, and other stuff that doesn’t tell us anything about him. In order for character descriptions to be interesting, they could show both physical and personality characteristics, like what you did with Snow’s icy glare. Instead of having a whole list of characteristics such as hair and eye colour, descriptions could focus on one or two features that stand out, such as the muscles beneath Leo’s shirt and the SnowAgumon’s icicle teeth.

Through giving each protagonist a chapter in which to shine, we’ve really gotten to know each character’s idiosyncrasies. However, sometimes character development seems a bit forced. For example, sometimes personalities are spelt out a bit more than necessary. It’s not typical for characters to analyse themselves, especially not their weaknesses, so when Snow thinks though I am a loner, at heart, it strikes me as out-of-place. Also, sometimes characters seem overly exaggerated. For example, although Ryan is a kid, there aren’t many kids who would admit that “Ah man, I’m scared!” It’s strange enough that anyone would say “dying sucks” (when it’s obvious), but for Ryan to say that when the entire group is in danger, when he should be scared out of his wits, is particularly strange despite his immaturity. On the other hand, there are some very realistic moments as well, such as how Leo and Aaron still jokingly threaten each other as they make up.

You’ve put a lot of effort into the protagonists’ personalities, but the villains don’t seem to differ much. Granted, you go from Goblimon, who can’t really be taken seriously, to more serious enemies like Phantomon, but aside from that, their only quality is “evil”. They don’t have motives to be evil, or other consistent traits. For example, I thought that IceDevimon was cold and calculating, given his skilful acting and exploitation of Snow’s weaknesses, but once he sees his own blood he becomes as hysterical as every other villain; similarly, Stingmon seems regal, but responds to Dataratomon’s juvenile insults. Although the lesser villains are passing characters, because a whole chapter is devoted to each one, it’s still important to make them believable. The Sacred Three, too, don’t seem to have consistent personalities; one moment, they’re soberly narrating the realm’s history, the next, they’re happily jumping up and down like kids. The one excellent villain is the Dark One. His sadism really stands out, such as when he says he wants to give the Chosen Ones false hope before exterminating them. The moment when we find out that the red liquid he’s drinking is blood is one of the most chilling moments in the fic.

Setting: 9/15

The setting develops a lot as the fic progresses, which is great. I particularly like the city based on ancient Rome, and the image of the Honeybeemon removing tiles in the ceiling so they can sprinkle their powder is vivid. The setting is barely mentioned in previous chapters, though, which led to some missed moments. It’s not that the setting has to be exquisite and described in all its ornate detail, because that sometimes takes away from what’s happening. But certain unique bits of setting could be brought out to enhance the plot. For example, when you mentioned the eternal fires the Gotsumon kept, it was a huge contrast to the land of ice and snow outside, so it showed what the Gotsumon had lost. Similarly, the disappearance of snow once IceDevimon had been defeated could be dramatized, to show the triumph of good over evil. And when the Chosen Ones first come upon the ice desert, it’s a great twist, which could be made better with descriptions of glittering snowy peaks or icy crags, emphasizing how different the desert is from our expectations. Since the Digital World isn’t like the city which the Chosen Ones are used to, the differences between them could be pointed out to make things interesting for the reader. Also, battle settings could be utilized to make each battle unique.

Overall Appreciation: 7/10

It’s a good start to a fic. The battles are a lot of fun to read, and it’s good to see a lot of effort being put into developing the protagonists. However, there’s so much more this fic can do. As the plot develops, twists and turns will make the fic much fresher to read, and much more unpredictable. The villains can be developed so readers can understand more about the nature of their evil, so it’s more realistic to them. And descriptions can be further utilized to connect readers emotionally, so they don’t just have a physical sense, but an emotional impression of everything in the fic. Since there is so much to explore in the Digital World, I look forward to reading more about the different locations as well. Keep up the good work!

Final score: 67/100.