Minty Thrill (if it bleeds, we can kill it)

[Drago]

5,136. That's a funny number, isn't it? It's a splendid four digits... it's significantly larger than the also-impressive 42, and it's surprisingly more than 5,135 by exactly one number. What is it, you ask?
Why, it's the amount of views Tony's Times has received. There's bound to be some sort of mistake there. Perhaps someone can clarify how topics magically increase in viewcount when they hit the archives? Perhaps 5,109 of those views are actually mine? Or perhaps... it was successful.

Yeah, it's bound to be the first or second option, but I thought I'd say screw it anyway and resurrect Minty Thrill from its grave for another ride. I read over it recently, and good golly, those first couple chapters are sparse, aren't they? No wonder, the fic ran from 5th November, 2002 to 11th June, 2004, when I chucked a hissy fit and demanded OzAndrew close the topic. (Partially because I felt my farewell speech was mighty clever and I wanted the last word)
I've grown up a lot in that time, and I kinda got over it a few months later (I started a new fic late that year). Does anyone still care about Minty Thrill? Hard to say, but I certainly do. Historians claim that the wily fic was once rather popular at one time, I might check and see if that's all a lot of baloney. Or bologna. Or whatever.

All that being said, come see what revisions I've made in all its downtime! See if you can actually tough it out for 36 chapters and roughly 100,000 words before finding any new material. Decide whether it's aged well or as crummy as ever, and see if Chase Ginnit still rubs you the wrong way. ...And hey, I might even throw Uncle Terrell in there.
Cue lights... cue spellcheck... cue L'arc~En~Ciel's Ready Steady Go (my intended theme song for MT a full year before I had ever seen Full Metal Alchemist)... cue Minty Thrill.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Prologue
Midday with the Master

In my infinite wisdom, there remains but a sparse few things that I have not, and may never, figure out entirely. The meaning of life is one of those questions too complex to decode. Working VCR clocks is another one of life’s secrets that proves hellishly confounding.
But above all else, the one matter that I find so damning, so indescribably wicked, is, and always has been, time. It’s something I have trouble comprehending, and it’s something that has never been my friend. If I ever met Father Time I’d beat him up and roll him off a bridge.

On this day however, time had won. Again it had foiled my efforts, and again… I awoke at 12 PM.
“My god…” I croaked, and rolled over groggily. I rubbed my eyes furiously, hoping to remove the remnants of sleep from them, along with anything else that may have ended up there.
I reached over for my bedside bottle of water, and took a quick swig before throwing it over my shoulder haphazardly. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
“I sure as hell hope I don’t oversleep on Saturday.” I continued, a goofy grin planted on my face.

Saturday was the big day… Saturday was my time to shine… On Saturday, I would be facing the world, and getting my first Pokémon, a moment far too cliché to go spreading around, but exciting all the same. I had waited for this day for a long time, longer than most. I was fourteen, and had already failed Professor Gum’s Pokémon lessons four years in a row. This time however, through some elaborate cheating and exam thievery, I had attained the highest mark in the class, a sign of my dedication toward education.
Now nothing could stand in my way…

I slowly shifted toward the edge of the bed, contemplating. How long did these ‘journey’ things take? A week, I guess.
Fortunately I had attained enough time off school to fit the adventure in without getting in trouble. Nothing more than telling Principal Douglas I had chicken pox, and I was good to go. Well, I didn’t tell him in person, obviously. I assumed that chicken pox had something to do with poultry, so I just made a lot of clucking noises on the phone.
Stretching lazily, I felt good about this story of success. …And speaking of success, I would have to prepare my victory speech for when I defeated the Elite Door. I realised that I didn’t have much time; I mean, how hard could it be to beat up on a damn door?

I rolled again, this time completely falling from bed onto the hard floor. I took the opportunity of being down there to grab an old toy microphone from underneath the bed, as well as a handful of dust that looked like it was alive and scared me witless.
Excitedly, I leapt atop the bed, audibly cracked my neck, and cleared my throat.

“Hello, all my loyal fans!” I roared, the microphone rumbling in a plasticky echo, “It is I, Anthony Chambers from Burake Town! It’s the fourth… or, umm, fifth town of our lovely state of Furudo. I’m hot off a visit from Loserville’s grass-type gym…” I paused for a moment, “Uh, Jungle Gym, and I of course defeated the leader there for the ninth time. That just shows what happens when Frank Furt messes with Terrible Tony! In short, I kicked grass!”
I moved the microphone away from my face, and made a series of guffaws to symbolise the enthusiastic crowd response.
“Seriously though, I’m here to tell all of you future Pokémon masters out there to try your best, never give up hope, and stay in school!”
Unlike I did… I recalled, a minor twinge of guilt surfacing.
“But above all else, always remember the little people.”
I moved the microphone away again, and chirped in a tiny voice, “Like me, Mr. Tony?”
I bent over, and smiled warmly at this nonexistent child, “Yes, just like you, little… Horace. I couldn’t have gotten to where I am today without you, and without my legions of fans, and without the help of my loyal Pokémon…” I paused, and leant further, “My loyal Pokémon… Umm, I like to call him- AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!” I bellowed as I leant too far, and fell off the bed headfirst. I hit the floor with a sickening thud, then lied there for a couple minutes.
“Oww… self-piledriver.” I moaned, and sat up, rubbing my noggin.
Perhaps I should decide which Pokémon I’ll choose right about now. I pondered, As well as think of a name more sufficient than AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH.

It was time to put my amazing decision-making skills to good use. I grabbed a nearby pen and a pad of paper. I had to think for a minute to remember what the options were.
There was that pear thing with the leaf on its head… I scribbled down Chocolata.
Then, there’s that… water crocodile thing. Something along the lines of Big ol’ Smile. And… oh yeah, the turtle thing. Yerdle, or something.
And then there was that fire shrew thing. Mintythrill. And, and the lizard; that was a fire Pokémon too. Wow, I was just too good at this. I jotted Charbladder, then gave a long hard thought to the final Pokémon available.
It was… that scary frog thing with a green fortune cookie on its back. That was called a Bulb-is-sore.
With my arsenal in front of me, it was time to determine which I would collect from the good Professor. Of course, I’d get all of them in two days; three if I was busy with a photo shoot, but to get my first few, I’d need one to start with. And there were a lot of things to consider. Important things…

Every Pokémon has a diverse range of advantages and disadvantages. There is the obvious range of elements that the Pokémon thrives off, and which of these could overcome another in battle, but one also has to consider the blend of statistics and specialties each species possesses.
Although a Pokémon can ‘level up’, increasing its power and maturity, and improving each of its statistical qualities, it can only be as good as it knows how to be.

Therefore, a Pokémon must also be equipped with the correct attack abilities. One must avoid focussing on physical attacks for Pokémon possessing low attack power, and likewise Pokémon with poor elemental control, or ‘special attack’ power should not be made to use many elemental techniques.

Other qualities of a Pokémon must also be taken into consideration. Which of the moves can it learn to overcome its weaknesses and capitalize on its strengths? If it possesses a diverse range, it will overcome a wide range of obstacles, whilst one must remember that it will excel with attacks of the same element that it is.

Above all however, this Pokémon needs love. With a considerate trainer who is willing to try to be something, a Pokémon can excel. A trainer who is prepared to go through the harsh days and nights, and tend for the Pokémon when it is sick. To be a master, one must remember to be a trainer.

“…Is that it?” I groaned, and flipped another page of the exam I had stolen and submitted as my own, “No wonder I never read any of those stupid books…”
I peered around, and spotted my Pokémonopoly board game. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a die from the box, and held it tightly in my palm.
“When one lacks proper education and credentials,” I said in a hushed tone, “He must rely upon the chance bestowed upon him by the good people at Parker Brothers.” I excitedly rolled it along the floor.

It swivelled to a stop, before landing clearly on the one. That meant… Chocolata.
That’s kind of… girlish. I thought to myself, headlines of me being a sissy running through my head.
I gulped, and looked around. Hoping nobody would notice (seeing as I was alone and all, it’s unlikely that they would), I lightly pushed it over. It stopped on four, which meant I would be getting the shrew.
I grinned, and stood tall. “I shall conquer all… WITH MY MINTYTHRILL!!”

My moment of shining glory was interrupted with a startling pounding against the door.
“Shut up Chambers!” Mr. Michaels bellowed. He was the landlord, and perhaps an oversized blob from a science experiment gone awry, to boot. “You keep the noise up and you’re gonna get a minty thrill where the sun don’t shine!!”
It was overly hopeful to assume he was referring to the underside of my pillow. I hastily grabbed my pen, should I need it to ward off the 300-pound blob.
“And get the rent ready tomorrow. You ain’t gonna scam me with that chicken pox excuse this time, punk!”
“Bu-bu-buckaw?” I squeaked sheepishly, hoping I could trick him,
“Yeah that’s right, I only accept bu-bu-bucks!” he roared. I could hear him waddling down the hallway, muttering profanities and ancient Chinese curses.

I sighed, a wave of relief rushing over me. However, something struck me as odd. Payday was on Sunday… But in theory, wouldn’t that mean…?
I raced over to the table, which seemed to have just about everything on it, and looked at my watch. There, in big digital letters, it read ‘SATURDAY’.
TODAY was the big day! TODAY was my time to shine! Today, I was… LATE!

“Aww Hölle!” I shouted, and threw the watch at the closet door. It smashed into a hundred pieces.
“Aww Hölle!” I repeated, when I recalled that the watch was a gift from my grandfather.
“Aww Hölle!” I let out one more time when it hit me; my grandfather was dead.

I guess those German lessons did come in handy after all…

[Mew Trainer Rose]

Yay, it's back! The incredibly random adventures of Tony have returned! I look forward to future chapters, new or not.

[Phoenixsong]

Hooray, it's back!

*has never read this before*

That was pretty funny, DragoKnight! Tony's personality is really coming through... I like 'im. I might point out that there are places where you're being careless with your grammar and sentence structure, and I'm also quite curious as to how on earth Tony is so stupid (Charbladder and Big Ol' Smile, jeez... he really DOES slack off in class, huh? Probably doesn't get out much, either...), but I'm sure it will all iron out... and in a most minty-thrilling manner, too.

And, uh... Tony is fourteen and lives by himself? A bit odd, but okay.

Ahem. Here's to hoping that the revival of Minty Thrill is minty-fresh and most thrilling in all of its minty-thrill-ness. I like minty things.

[Drago]

Mew Trainer Rose: Aww, you're the greatest! I always look forward to seeing your replies whenever I return to the melee of ficcing. Thanks for your ongoing support!
Phoenixsong: Thanks for the reply, and thanks as well for the advice. I'm pondering strongly on the sentence and grammar structure, it's never been my strong suit, and that prologue was originally written back in 2002, I believe... Not an excuse, I know, but is it detracting from your experience of the fic? If so, I may have to get someone to help me with editing or proofreading. At a glance, it doesn't get much better. Additionally, this made me laugh; Tony is fourteen and lives by himself? It is odd, isn't it? I guess it just suits the character better to be independent, though some of his history is explained in a later chapter... Wow, it's kinda cool to know that some things I've actually covered.

EDIT: Damn my feeble brain... I forgot to wish you all happy holidays!! Hope you have the merriest of times and a safe and happy end to your year.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the First
The White Rabbit Rides Again

“Late?” I groaned, and threw open the closet door, “Late?? That’s so… unoriginal!” I felt like someone had just stuck a neon ‘cliché’ sign on my back.
Frantically throwing articles of clothing aside, I looked for something clean. I didn’t get the time to wash my clothes all that often, and even when I did, it usually consisted of dunking it in the toilet then covering it with toothpaste.

Lacking anything better, I grabbed a big pink Barney T-shirt, Hello Kitty runners and a pair of shorts so short I felt like my butt would go on protest.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” I said mournfully, “I wore these last week!!”

Regardless, I was ready for action. What kind of action is best not said. I threw open my door, ran out into the hall and barrelled down the stairs, almost hitting Mrs. Veshuan with a clothesline along the way.
Too bad I missed, I thought spitefully.

Once down at the ground floor I kicked the front desk aside for good measure, and crashed through the front entrance to the fresh morning breeze of Burake Town. And in the afternoon, no less.
I scrambled onto the sidewalk, and made a mad dash towards Professor Gum’s dinghy. …That’s right, a dinghy. Burake Town isn’t all that noticeable, so Gum lacks the funding and perks of being a professor. Then again, he’s also a captain and a licensed minister, so maybe it’s just him.

The lake was in view. I squinted, and could see Professor Gum circling around in his boat, singing a shanty. “Professor Gum!” I bellowed, skidding to a stop, “I’m here! I’m here!”
He peered lazily at me, and snorted. “Arr…” he scoffed in a gruff voice, “I’m sick of all ye damned landlubbers comin’ to me classes late. I oughta make you walk the plank…”
I gave him a bemused look, and, defeated, he ripped off his eyepatch.
“Fine then!” he whined, “You kids never let me have any fun.”
Without his pirate gear, he looked like any professor would. 47, wearing a slightly dirty white coat, and balding. His thick beard must’ve been where he stored the rest of his hair.
“Anyway, you’re too late, Tony.” He continued, “You were supposed to be here at 6. …Not 6 times 2!”
“I did not come here at 66 o’clock!” I shot back.
“Sorry kid, but I’m all out of Pokémon.” He sighed, and looked at me. Surely he could see the disappointment and sorrow in my face. I was trying really, really hard to show it. After a moment, he perked up and smiled awkwardly, “I do, however, have one thing that’ll take you closer to being a master than just a Pokémon!”

He reached into his deep coat pocket, and thrusted out a strange rectangular red contraption, which fit neatly in his hand. He passed it over, and I glimpsed at it. It looked familiar, and after a brief moment’s thought, I got it.
“This… this is a Pokéd-”
“That’s right, Tony!” he interrupted, “This is a Pokédatsu-brand novelty clock!”
I frowned, and flipped open the cover. There were several foreign markings on a fading screen. I looked up to see Gum rowing frantically away.
“Of course, I’m not sure which country it’s from, but at least you’ll always know when it’s Chio Chio o’clock!” he cackled.
“Aww Hölle!” I snapped, dejectedly. That bastard had just scammed me out of a Pokémon. I turned around, and began to walk away. Annoyed, I threw the clock over my shoulder.
It sailed through the air, before I heard a very audible thump, followed by a scream and the sound of a body hitting the water. There were a few frantic gargles, then silence.
I gulped as to what it was, and ran for my life.
********************************
“What a gyp!” I said, sitting on a stump near a restaurant, “I’m cold, alone, and missing Jeopardy!”
Above all else however, (well, maybe a smidgen less important than missing Jeopardy) I had failed my mission to become a master, and attain my Mintythrill.
My quest was over, in a tender…
I peered over at the town clock.

“Eight minutes. New record.” I muttered.

Before I could leave home and sob into my pillow, I heard a rustling from the bushes. Not taking into account the possibility of it being a cat or a hobo, I determined that there was a Pokémon in that thar foliage.
“This is it!” I said, excitement welling up, “The rare and elusive-”
A sesame seed bun rolled out from behind.
“Sandwich?”
A blue-green claw stretched out from behind the bush, and pulled the helpless sub back behind the bush.
“Now either that sandwich is evading capture,” I deduced, walking toward the bush, “Or…”
I looked behind the bush, and there it was. A small blue dinosaur/frog/scaryass thing with the big green thingo on its back.
“Bulb-is-sore!” I said anxiously.

It looked at me, one eyebrow raised curiously. “Bulb-A-saur.” It argued.
“I can’t believe it, this is my chance to get a Mintythrill, all I gots to do is trade off this Bulb-is-sore.” I bubbled, and the Bulb-is-sore stood up.
“Bulb-A-SAUR.” It protested, this time louder and angrier.
I picked up a rock, and raised my arm, ready to throw. “You’re coming with me, Bulb-is-sore,” I threatened, “Any attempt to resist is futile!”
It stomped its foot angrily. “BULBASAUUUUUUR!!” it bellowed, and chewed up a piece of sandwich. It hawked it up in my direction. A piece of chewed up lettuce and saliva hit me on the cheek.
“Nooo!” I gasped, stumbling around, “Healthy Food Spit! Bulb-is-sore’s special attack!!”

I wiped it off hurriedly, and winded up my throw. “Gooooooooooo rock!!”
Bulb-is-sore watched my arm swivel around, and yawned. Finally I let it go, and the rock soared majestically… right onto my foot. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I started to whimper.
The Bulb-is-sore shook its head as though it was going to be sick, and charged at me at full speed.
“Tackle attack!” I gulped. It was easy to remember an attack when you thought of it as a modified spear.
The Bulb-is-sore picked up speed, and I looked around frantically for something to fight it off with.
“Um, urg…” I gulped, “Go… foot!”
The Bulb-is-sore leapt up at me, and I did all I could. I kicked it in the face, leaving a clear shoeprint in its face. It landed on its feet, and started stumbling around dizzily.
“Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuurrrrrrr……” it groaned.
If it was so sore, I assumed it was male. A female Bulb-is-sore probably would’ve slapped me by now. Creative plus number one.

He shook his head rapidly, before pointing a claw at me accusingly.
“Saur, bulba, saur, bulb… saaaaur!” He snarled with such feeling I felt as though I should go at war for him.
He looked back down at the remaining sandwich, then back at me, a wicked smirk crossing his face.
I began to sweat as he chewed on the sub, churned it up in his mouth, and turned to a large fence. His mouth puffed up, and he shot a barrage of sesame seeds at it.
They went right through the fence, and left a message. It read, ‘I’m going to kill you, sucker’
If nothing else, this Bulb-is-sore was a very good speller.

He turned back at me, and though some would question the logic behind such lethal sesame seeds, I decided not to dwell on it, and instead started running.
In retrospect, it must’ve been a very unusual sight to see a fourteen-year-old lad prancing around town in short shorts bellowing for his life as a very angry frog chased after him firing sesame seeds.

I ducked a seed that would’ve otherwise hit me in the head, and began to panic. I had to think quickly; otherwise I would’ve been killed quite literally by bad food. I spotted a nearby tree, which had a Weedle crawling along a branch. They were easy to remember; I filled Mrs. Veshuan’s room with them one time.
I snatched the bemused bug, and grabbed the pen from my pocket. I pointed it at the Weedle’s throat. Or what seemed like its throat anyway.

“Come any closer and the bug gets it!!” I roared.
Bulb-is-sore looked at me as though I just said something very stupid. From the look on his face, I came under the bold impression that he didn’t care whether or not I killed the damn bug.
“Well… I’ll make you care!” I shouted, and took the Weedle in both hands. I swung it madly like a club, and managed to conk Bulb-is-sore on the head.

He stumbled around, before fainting. I cheered, and put the dazed Weedle down.
“We beat him, Weedle!” I cried with glee, and looked down at the bug. Its nose was bleeding, and its horn was broken right off.
I picked the white horn up in one hand, and Bulb-is-sore in the other.
“Well,” I muttered, offering my sympathy, “You’re a Caterpie now!”

Victoriously I made my way back to the apartment. If there was anything I had learned from school, it was that when there’s no Pokémon Centre around, you should always go home for your mother to heal your Pokémon.

I busted through the front door, and looked around like a lost little boy. “Mom?” I called, “MOOOOOM?!”
Then it hit me. My mom was in Kentucky. And my dad worked at Kentucky, for that matter.
“Aww Hölle!” I snapped, and set Bulb-is-sore down on the floor. Pondering briefly, I decided to use absolute desperation manoeuvres. Taking a deep breath, I braced myself and knocked on the door of the closest thing I had to a mom…
“Whaddya want, Chambers?” Mr. Michaels hacked as he threw the door open.
I gazed disgustedly at him. He was grossly overweight, had a big bulbous nose, and shot spittle every word he spoke. He wore dirty shorts and a sweatshirt that read ‘I’m Dead Sexy’. He had only a few greasy strands of wiry red hair, as well as some chin stubble. I held my breath to avoid his horrible stench. If he were a Pokémon type, it’d be Poison…
“Mr. Michaels,” I started, “I need you to be my mommy and heal my Bulb-is-sore.”
He had that ‘mental institution’ look in his eyes, but leant against the doorframe gamely. “What’s its name, huh?” he smirked, “I’ll heal it if I like its name.”

I gulped again. Bulb-is-sore’s name? There’s something I forgot to do.
I thought through a quick list of names in my head. Frog… Toad… Frog ‘n’ Toad… Bush… George…
“Leaves!” I blurted out finally, “His name is Leaves!”
Mr. Michaels rolled his eyes, unimpressed.
“A pile of leaves… looks a lot like money!” I said quickly, appealing to his second-favourite thing, after himself.
“Hey hey!” Mr. Michaels cackled, his layers of fat jiggling as though they were laughing too, “Alright, I’ll do it. So where is it?”

I scooped up Leaves, who seemed to be regaining consciousness.
“Right here!” I shouted with a grin, hovering Leaves around Mr. Michaels’ face. There was a low snarl, as Leaves came back to. Mr. Michaels just barely ducked a barrage of sesame seeds from the struggling Bulb-is-sore before it fainted again.
Mr. Michaels looked at his hole-filled wall, then at me, seething with anger. “You want me to heal it, you little worm?”
He picked up Leaves by the throat. “Ding ding ding-aling,” he mocked the Pokémon Centre tune, “And that’s all you’re gonna get from me!”
Again, a snarl emanated from the Bulb-is-sore.
“Hey!” I grinned, “It worked!”

Looking up furiously, Leaves shot off his last round of sesame seeds. He nailed the windows, the nearby fish tank, the bowling trophies, all the while in Mr. Michaels’ hand.
Mr. Michaels turned very pale as glass and water began scattering all around him. Leaves fell to the floor, and let out a small chuckle as he ran out the front door. I thought it wise to follow him, and stood out in the street, panicking.
“Aww Hölle!” I finally let out, “You killed Mr. Michaels!”
Leaves looked up at me, and shook his head.
“Aww Hölle!” I continued, “You didn’t kill Mr. Michaels!”

We headed toward the edge of Burake Town, and I tapped my chin pensively.
“Problem with all this is, I still don’t have a Mintythrill…” I muttered, “So what do you say, Leaves? Will you join me in my quest, and be steadfast in your efforts to help me locate and capture my very own Mintythrill?”
He shook his head, frowning.
“Alrighty then…” I said, thinking. “Will you join me in my quest so you can break things and steal stuff?”
To this, Leaves nodded confidently.

“And so, we’re off to Dezu City!” I shouted, pointing ahead. “Look out, world! I’m out to get my Mintythrill and be the best trainer since Jane Fonda! Here comes Terrible Tony!!”
Leaves cheered with all his heart.
“And his Bulb-is-sore!”
Annoyed, Leaves fell to the ground, and let out a loud sigh. “Saaaaaaaur…”
“No time for apologies my friend.” I grinned, “We’ve got a Pokéthing journey to do!”

[Mew Trainer Rose]

And they're off! *cue racing music*

Hey, Leaves should consider himself lucky that Tony got his species name somewhat close. At least Tony doesn't think he's a "Big Ol' Smile."

And happy holiodays to you, too.

[Drago]

Mew Trainer Rose: Hey, does hearing Big Ol' Smile and Chocolata bring back any memories for you? Sure brings me back to 2002... Also makes me wonder why I originally titled the fic Minty Thrill, then went with a Bulb-is-sore. Meh. The rewrite does better to cover that up.

So I hope y'all had a wonderful holiday season and a happy new calendar! Watch now as I beef up chapters so that they're unpleasantly wordy and (hopefully) easier to read. Iffin this ain't quite what you remember so far, never fear, the next chapter (Meet the Locals) was where MT really began to take off.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Second
Route Something or Other

With my newfound Bulb-is-sore Leaves, I was on the road to Dezu City, the first place to find a Mintythrill, fight a Jim Leader and get a badge. There were several grand tales about these beginnings, although oftentimes I wondered how many Jims there could be…
“You know Leaves,” I muttered, looking down at him, “You’re not gonna be walking around with me for long. I’m gonna get you a Pokéball soon, so don’t get too comfortable.” Leaves shot an offensive look at me, and snarled loudly. I backed up, intimidated by his impressive dental features.
“Alright, alright!” I gulped, “But… can’t we walk a little faster? It’s starting to get a little cloudy out here, and I don’t want to get caught out in the rain.” Grinning, Leaves looked up at the sky. It then hit me that… well, he liked rain.
“That better not be some weird fetish…” I snapped, “The last thing I want is a Pokémon that gets ‘excited’ when the opponent uses Rain Dance.”

Despite our friction however, Leaves and I had recently established an important understanding, and that was that cheating is good. We would be sure to use any underhanded tricks we could, from sand in the eyes to a kick in the groin. All good tacticians were cheaters, after all. Napoleon Bonaparte was notorious for pushing people over while playing Twister, for one. Of course, the Christian inside me knew that too much cheating would prove hazardous to the soul, so we’d have to use it strictly as a backup plan. Plan B, we’d call it. …And hopefully, plan A would fall short with startling regularity.
I stepped off the dirt trail into the knee-high grass. It was a very unkempt route, I suppose.
“I better start catching some Pokémon if we’re gonna beat this Jim guy.” I announced. Leaves sighed, and sat down nearby.
“Now then, how does one flush out the Pokémon, anyway?” I pondered, “Umm… Maybe if I make a Pokémon call…” I cleared my throat, before waving my arms out, and bellowing. “RABBITA! PORRIDGEY!”
Alas, no avail.

“Alrighty then…” I said quietly, not yet ready to quit, “How about…” I pondered for a brief moment, before it hit me; “Some food!” I anxiously thrusted my hand into my pocket, but just ended up with a handful of useless, non-palatable Weedle horn. I sighed, and buried my face in my hands. I was just about ready to quit now.
“I don’t have any food to lure them out…” I whined, and peered up. A plan was developing, slowly but surely. “What if I… made them think I did have food? There’s bound to be something around here that looks edible…” I surveyed the territory. Grass, dirt, Leaves, leaves undeserving of a capital letter. …Leaves? Hey, there’s an idea.
“Hey there, buddy…” I said with a grin, leaning toward the bemused Bulb-is-sore, “Come here for a minute, wouldya?”
********************************
“Wow!” I bellowed loudly for all to hear, “This sure is a delicious, uh… green mushroom!!”
Leaves growled furiously, unhappy with his position as a makeshift dinner. I knew that green thing on his back would come in handy.
“It’s too bad I’m not hungry, though…” I continued, “So I’ll just have to eat a little bit… and leave the rest for some other HUNGRY POKEMON!” Making sure this plan would work, I pretended to nibble at the green thing, then took a big lick at it. Instantly, my face twisted in disgust.
“Aww Hölle!!” I hacked, “My god Leaves! You taste nasty!”
Leaves looked at me bitterly as though he wanted to flip the bird. Despite his disappointing flavour however, the scheme seemed to work rather quickly when nearby in the grass a rustling was heard. I ducked low, bobbing up and down giddily. After a short pause, out came a weird dark blue Pokémon with a crazy orange planty thing atop its head. It looked rather gloomy indeed; unlikely it was a Happy. I shot up quickly, and pointed a waggling finger at it.
“Ah-ha!!” I cried, taking a deep breath in as I did. My face twisted, taking a whiff of the aroma that was emanating from this literally stinkin’ little twerp. “Gaaag…” I choked, “That smells terrible! Gah! Boof!!” I waved Leaves forward to attack it. He didn’t seem to mind the smell, actually. Chances are he was overwhelmed with urges to kill this thing. He did seem to have that ‘sesame seed stare’ of his.
“Leaves,” I began, mulling over which attack he should use. Say, what were his attacks again? There was, umm… uhhhhh… uh-oh.
Sick and tired of waiting like a good little weed, the opposing Pokémon swayed back and forth like a Bob Marley groupie, and a strange yellow cloud of dust fired out from the noggin plant. It landed atop a confused Leaves, who shivered slightly and started teetering to the side.
“That’s it!” I shouted suddenly, “Leaves, Growl!”
Leaves shook off the minor paralysis and snarled at the Pokémon. He then looked back at me as though to ask ‘now what?’ Now what indeed. I stood there blankly.
“Leaves!” I said, “Growl again!”
Leaves growled on command, then looked back.
“…Growl some more!” I demanded. He left off a small groan that sounded more like he had a migraine, and then hung his head low in disgust.
“Keep on growling, Leaves! I have a plan!”

And so for a couple hours it went on this way. I failed to remember any other attacks, and Leaves growled each time I told him to do so. By this point the word ‘growl’ sounded incredibly weird after such repetition, and of more important note, the other Pokémon never responded. I was about to cunningly command Leaves to growl, when I heard an odd sound.
“Leaves, is that you?” I asked, to which Leaves shook his head in the negative. He listened up as well. It was a bizarre sound, like a sort of throaty breathing. After a while, I noticed it was coming from the opponent. When I realised the situation, a huge sweatdrop appeared on my forehead. “It appears to be… sleeping.”
Leaves collapsed to the ground, and I chuckled nervously for a moment. Suddenly, something came to me.
“Leaves!!” I shouted dramatically. Disinterested, he just peered at me out of the corner of his eye. “Use TACKLE!!”
Leaves got up quickly, thrilled to bits and ready to similarly smash the weed into bits, too. He shot off in its direction like a rocket; he was surprisingly spritely on those little legs. He crashed straight into it with picture perfect form, sending it rolling back dizzily across the ground.
“Good work!” I grinned, ready to take the credit and claim my first capture, “Pokéball go!” I reached into my pocket and quickly tossed out a… handkerchief? It landed on the Pokémon’s head in what turned out to be a very good shot, but unfortunately it didn’t seem to do much to capture it. The Pokémon soon stood up and threw the handkerchief aside. Its squinty eyes widened as it stared at us angrily, and the stench began to resurface worse than ever.
“Yikes!” I bellowed, “Run for it Leaves!!” We dashed off down the path and, although I was concerned for our safety, I was more interested in the pleasing fact that we were finally making good ground.

After a while we stopped, panting heavily. This certainly wasn’t good; I didn’t have any cash on me, so I couldn’t afford any Pokéballs. And without an array of Pokémon, I couldn’t exactly win any monetary prizes. Worse still, I didn’t even have anything to blow my nose with now. All I had left was my pen and the Weedle horn. Though in my frantic sprint, I did come across a walkman. It was lousy and I would have to pay someone else to buy it, but it was mine, dammit.
I began to pace back and forth. This was so very not good. So very very not good. In fact, I came to the conclusion that this was so not good it was bad.
After several minutes pacing which produced a small crater in the ground, Leaves let out an excited “Bulb!” I looked up to see what he was so thrilled about, tempted to respond with a bulb of my own. I spotted a short kid walking in our direction, alongside him a small brown Pokémon with a bone in its hand and wearing a very cheap football helmet. There was no logo on it, no facemask… jeez, it certainly wasn’t officially licensed.
I was about to scoff at this, though something twigged in my mind from the classes. Thinking hard, I recalled that this critter was a Cubone. There was no mistake, this was the Lonely Pokémon; I had actually spent the class crying over it. This one seemed to have a small spotted red fruit dangling on a string from one of its spikes.

“Hi!” said the kid in a cheery voice, “I’m Richard. I’m a Pokémon trainer. I’m only ten, but I’m really good! I see you’re a trainer, too.”
“And what proof do you have?” I snapped, to which Richard pointed at Leaves. “Well…” I muttered, “It could’ve been a mouldy frog.”
“This here is Cubone,” Richard continued. The aforementioned Cubone twirled his trademark bone across his fingers, then struck a pose. Hoping we wouldn’t notice, Richard changed the subject; “Would you like to engage in a one-on-one battle?”
I leant over towards Leaves. “Should I do it?” I whispered. He nodded quickly, so standing up tall, I gave Richard a big smile. “I’m Anthony. I’ve got only one thing to say.” I suddenly leapt at Richard and threw him into a headlock. “Gimme all your money or Leaves will Growl the crap outta you!!”
Leaves gulped and shouted Bulba-insults at me.
“…Oh,” I said sheepishly, “You meant I should agree to a battle…”
Leaves nodded frantically. I let go of Richard slowly, stood there a moment, then dropped to the ground and put Leaves in a headlock. “Next time, you tell me when you don’t mean plan B!!”

Richard and his Cubone looked at me wide-eyed, and I hesitated from my Pokémon abuse. “Uhh…” I muttered, “Just giving him a friendly hug. Yup.”
Richard looked at Leaves and I, thought for a bit, then bent over toward Cubone and whispered something in his ear. Well, that is if he has an ear. Something I often ponder. Cubone took a moment to contemplate us as well, then gestured a thumbs-up towards Richard.
“How about we throw in an extra quirk?” Richard said deviously, “The winner gets $10… and the loser’s Pokémon!”
I gasped in shock. “Are you crazy??” I shouted, “…Ten bucks? Man, you are so gonna be $10 poorer! Leaves and I are gonna rip that wussy little brown thing apart! We’re gonna mangle him and strangle him and cripple him for life. …Then we’ll take him!” We took a few steps back and my companion and I stared down the enemy. I couldn’t help but dwell on how short the kid was. Should I have been thinking of something fiercer?
“Go Cubone!” Richard finally commanded.
“Go Cubone!” I said too, leaving Leaves to look at me, puzzled. “Well, it was worth a try. Go Leaves!”
Leaves and Cubone dashed towards each other. Richard made the first command, “Cubone, start this off with Bone Club!” Cubone lifted his bone like a club, though it could’ve resembled a hammer or any other bludgeoning object really.
“Leaves,” I said nervously, “Duck! Quick!” He quickly slid to a halt on his belly, Cubone raced past, swinging the bone and nicking the top of Leaves’ foul-tasting ‘green mushroom’. Snapping his fingers unhappily, Cubone stumbled to a clumsy stop.
“Now Leaves, do that Tackle thing!” I cried. Wasting no time, Leaves charged at Cubone, who was turning about face. Leaves shouted a cry as he closed in on his target, and then leapt at him fiercely. There was a loud crunching sound upon impact and Leaves landed on the ground, seeming to have hurt his shoulder. Cubone fell back as well, but instantly flipped up onto his feet and readied himself.
“Haha!” Richard shouted with triumph, “You can’t overcome Cubone’s defence with such a feeble collision! Cubone, make them sorry for that mistake with Thrash!”
Fuming, I looked at Richard, who had suddenly changed from a chirpy little kid to a cocky punk. He’d be a lot less smug with my fist in his mug…
Leaves had been winding his arms to try and sit back up, but wasn’t having much luck. He couldn’t stop Cubone from leaping atop him, ready to attack. Cubone proceeded to slap the living snot out of him with his bone, while Leaves could only flail about frantically, trying to get Cubone off his back. He got to his feet, but Cubone held tight, the Bulb-is-sore reduced to stumbling around like a drunkard.

I had to think fast. Leaves’ little claws were useless; he couldn’t reach up and pry Cubone from atop him. It was high time I stopped trying to fight this battle like a Pokémon trainer and just use whatever came to me.
“Do a barrel roll!” I ordered, and Leaves promptly did so, causing Cubone to lose grip and fall to the dirt. Leaves followed this up by leaping atop his opponent in a kind of belly flop. Cubone bellowed in pain; I took it Leaves wasn’t light. The Bulb-is-sore stood up and opened his mouth wide. He was about to do something either very dramatic or very cannibalistic.
“Bulb………aaaaaaaaaaa…” he droned, and his leafy growth began to glow and pulse. In any other story, that would’ve sounded rather rude.
Cubone twitched slightly, then suddenly sprang to life and kicked up off the ground. Before Leaves could reveal his dynamic intentions, Cubone had desperately flung his bone straight down Leaves’ gaping mouth. He choked and his eyes watered, his green thing dying down to its regular colour. Cubone proceeded to punch and kick at his helpless target, who was too devastated by this onslaught to defend himself. Cubone lifted his fist, and wound up a final punch.
“Noooo!” I whimpered, as Leaves stood there dizzily.
Before he could land the clincher, Cubone stopped as suddenly as he had began. His fist fell to his side and he looked around, befuddled.
“Alright!!” I said with glee, “He’s highly confuzzled! That’s what happens when you make him Thrash around like a git, Richie!”

Before we could capitalise or I could cite some other fascinating fact, Cubone ripped the fruit off his spike and chomped it down. He instantly regained his focus.
“…Until he eats a Bitter Berry! Confusion nullified.” Richard laughed wickedly, “Now Cubone, put that TM to good use and Dig!” Cubone threw aside the mouthwash he had been gargling while the attention was off him, pulled the bone from Leaves’ mouth, then span it along his fingers like some… thing that spins. He thrust it toward the ground, and started to drill. He leapt down the hole he was rapidly digging, and Leaves had finally gotten his second wind. Cripes, must’ve been twelfth wind by this point.
“Leaves!” I gulped, “Brace yourself!” Leaves grinned sneakily and uncovered something shiny from under the dirt. He slipped it over his claw and raised it menacingly at no one in particular.
“Brass knuckles?” I groaned, “No Leaves, I’m not talking about plan B! Not that kind of brace…”
Cubone interrupted as he shot out from the ground underneath Leaves, propelling them both into the air. Leaves was pummelled fiercely by the propeller-like bone beneath him, before they both fell to the ground. Cubone landed on his feet, Leaves landed on my feet.
“Leaves!” I gasped mournfully (mostly because that bloody hurt). I bent over to pick him up, and the walkman squirted out of my pocket. It landed on the ground and the radio dial flicked across the stations. A static tune came out, like some sort of pep rally cheer. Cubone’s eyes widened and he flinched slightly. He lifted the bone up his head, span it again and began stepping towards us.
“Oh no!” I cried, “This is it!”

Cubone quickly threw the spinning bone above his head. He stood there stomping on the spot, then caught it and marched back in the other direction.
“Cubone, NO!” Richard wailed, “You can’t do this to me now! Stop that marching!!” Leaves slowly got to his feet, looked at me over his shoulder and I shrugged in response. Seems this Cubone had a thing for music.
“Now’s our chance!” I said, “A regular Tackle won’t do… Damn well Gore that thing!!” Leaves hunched over for a moment, and then tore off toward his target so fast he was like a blur. When Cubone turned back to us on his march, Leaves crashed into him with such force the pair flew back several feet, before they landed into the hard ground. Cubone lifted his arm weakly and tried to get up, then fell back down.
“I woooooooon!” I cheered, and looked at Leaves. He was tired and battered, but happy. I shot my fist to the air and leapt up and down like a hoon, while Leaves started to walk back towards me.

“Fire Blast!!”

Richard’s command came so fast, and Cubone’s final attack so much faster that neither Leaves nor I knew what hit us. There was a bright red flash from Cubone’s mouth, and a star-shaped flame launched out and engulfed Leaves. I shielded my face as Leaves fell to the ground, char-black. It was too hopeful to assume he was just a very good pretender. Leaves was down and out.
I stood there silently. I… lost?
“Yeeeeeaaaah!” Richard screeched, jumping up and down, “I win, and now your Bulbasaur is MINE!!” He ran onto the battlefield, ready to scoop up both Pokémon.
No! This isn’t happening! I won’t let it! I ain’t forking over Leaves or $10!! There has to be some way of fixing this… Hang on, ten? How about if I…? Hey, it might work…
“Wait!!” I roared, and Richard stopped in his tracks.
“What?” he snapped, annoyed, “Is it about my $10?”
“I should think not!” I said fiercely, and strolled toward him, “When you first spoke to me, how old did you say you were, son?”
“Ten.” He replied, “Why?”
“You’re awfully smart for your age…” I said, smiling. That smile quickly turned to an intimidating frown, “But not smart enough! You’re underage, you can’t be a legally licensed Pokémon trainer!” I stomped right up to him and towered over him. I had to take this thing a step further.
“I am from the Pokémon FBI! I’m Agent Tony from the…” trying to think up a name, I looked down at the purple dinosaur on my shirt, “Yenrab division of underage drinking, smoking and other naughty acts!”
Richard whimpered miserably. Either I was scaring him or I had bad BO.
“Now listen up.” I continued, “You’re a good kid… so I won’t turn you in.”
“R-really?” he stammered quietly.
“Yeah,” I said warmly, “I won’t even take your money… I’ll just take Cubone with me so you don’t get in any trouble, okay?”
Richard nodded without hesitation and wiped away a tear.
“Now get outta my sight before I change my mind!” I snapped, and with that he ran off toward Burake Town. …Television had saved me again. No way I could’ve come up with that Pokémon FBI rubbish myself. Of course, I can’t remember what show it was. I think it had a pineapple and someone named Frank. Frank the Pineapple? Probably not.
Cubone watched as his trainer ran off into the distance, then up at me uncertainly.
“Hey,” I muttered, folding my arms, “Not my fault your trainer didn’t realise he was actually old enough to be a trainer. Why, the way things are going these days, he’s probably old enough to grab a pack of smokes like Maltybros and drink some Jack Damniels…” Cubone chortled at my pronunciation difficulties, a thorny issue with me.
“Hey, let that slide and I’ll play lots of music for ya.” I chided, to which he nodded happily. Just as well, I didn’t expect a ‘Lonely’ Pokémon to do much happily.

After a short rest and lots of poking with a stick, Leaves had regained consciousness and we were ready to finish the walk to Dezu City. Why, Richard had even left behind Cubone’s Pokéball when he took off. I thought I would leave the little gaffer out for now, though. I stretched, and my hand landed on the back pocket I had forgotten these shorts had. I pulled out a tape and grinned.
“Guess what?” I said with a grin, “I even have some travelling music for us!” Cubone hopped up and down happily, and Leaves gave a disinterested smirk. I popped it in the walkman, pressed play and, after a few seconds, the opening guitar to the Proclaimer’s I’m Gonna Be began to play. They’re gonna love this!

To the Pokémon’s shock, it was my voice that proceeded, as I belted out a tune.
When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who wakes up for Xatu! When I go out, yeah I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who captures Pikachu! It was the special karaoke version I had sung to motivate my Pokémon. Leaves and Cubone screamed, then tore off at top speed toward Dezu City.
“Wow, look at that,” I muttered, “I guess that motivation stuff really does work.”

[Sike Saner]

Oh, man…XD Funny stuff, here, very funny stuff. Tony’s quite a character; I’m in awe of the way his mind works, and of his beautiful mangling of Pokémon species-names—if Cyndaquil can become “Mintythrill” in his mind, I shudder to think of what he might do to a name like Masquerain or Rayquaza…XD

And I’ve now become obsessed with the phrase “Aww Hölle!” XP

I’m definitely interested to read more of this. ^^ ‘Til then, I’ll leave you with the moment in this story that’s cracked me up the most thus far:

He reached into his deep coat pocket, and thrusted out a strange rectangular red contraption, which fit neatly in his hand. He passed it over, and I glimpsed at it. It looked familiar, and after a brief moment’s thought, I got it.
“This… this is a Pokéd-”
“That’s right, Tony!” he interrupted, “This is a Pokédatsu-brand novelty clock!”
I frowned, and flipped open the cover. There were several foreign markings on a fading screen. I looked up to see Gum rowing frantically away.
“Of course, I’m not sure which country it’s from, but at leat you’ll always know when it’s Chio Chio o’clock!” he cackled.
“Aww Hölle!” I snapped, dejectedly.

[Drago]

Crikey, it seems that whenever I'm actually going to post a new chapter, someone replies. It's like you can see into my mind... Ta!
Sike Saner: Thank you muchly! I always appreciate new readers. There's plenty more Pokemon-name destruction to look forward to, including much later, several variations on 'Dratini'. I wholeheartedly support you spreading the word of 'Aww Hölle', too. If every topic in all of TPM had that slipped in somewhere, my mission would be complete, mwaha! ...Ooh, and finally, I'd like to thank you for quoting that particular paragraph, because I just noticed I mispelt 'least'.

So then, chapter formerly four now three begins...

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Third
Meet the Locals

“Well, here we are guys,” I declared proudly, breathing in deeply, “Dezu City!” I threw my hands to the air, nearly whacking a passer-by in the face as I did so. I felt the excitement filling me and I smiled widely, “Isn’t this exciting?” As I said this I looked down at my Pokémon, looking worse for wear. Cubone was leaning against his bone wearily, and Leaves let out a puff of smoke.
“Uh, I guess you’re still a bit tired, huh?” I said with a gulp, “I suppose we should try to find one of those Pokémon Centres before going to fight Jim.” I returned Cubone to his Pokéball, as Leaves gazed around. Impatiently, he gave me an annoyed look.
“Well I don’t know where it is…” I responded to his unfriendly gaze, “Maybe one of the locals does?”
Nearby was a man standing about on a fresh patch of dirt, going about his business with a pitchfork. I approached him, doing my best to sound cheery.
“Hiiii!” I said in a loud voice, waving. He just stared at me without saying anything, surveying me as I walked across his dirt. “I’m Anthony, and this is my Bulb-is-sore, Leaves. We’re really tired and just want to get to a Pokémon Centre. Could you show us the way?”
Without saying a word, he pointed the pitchfork at my face. I was hardly breathing as he waved the thing about in front of me, and said with a squeak “Behind us, you say?”
“You IDIOT!” he bellowed, “I’ve been here all morning fixin’ up my garden, and all I needed was to rake it down a little, then YOU come along and WALK ALL OVER IT!!” Looking down, I saw my footprints, amidst dirt that had been kicked aside and all awry. I quickly dropped to the ground, as though I hoped to find some solution in the dirt. “We can fix it! We can fix it!” I threw the dirt around, trying to balance it out. All I managed to do was hit him with a big clod, which drew a snarl from him akin to the engine of a Ford.
“Leaves and I are very sorry,” I whimpered, “And we would like to-” I looked in Leaves’ direction, only to find that he had snuck off a while back, leaving his own Bulba-tracks behind him.
“You coward!” I snapped.
“What did you call me?” the pitchfork wielder demanded, furrowing his brow.
“No!” I gasped, “I wasn’t, you-the… Leaves, and…”
“You’re ugly!” a voice squealed from below, breaking my fascinating lingual juggling. A young boy and girl had joined the scene, and were poking faces and making obscene gestures at me.
“Yeah,” the girl agreed with her brother’s remark, “And your legs are all HAIRY!” as she said this she gave me a swift kick in my apparently hairy knee.
“Ow!” I snapped, stepping back.
“Hairy and smelly!” the boy followed up, kicking the other leg.
“Hey!” I whined, and took another step back.
“Not like that, kids,” the pitchfork guy muttered, dropping his pitchfork to the ground. It wasn’t for merciful reasons however, as he raised his fist just as quickly, “Like THIS!”
********************************
I felt like I had been used as a crash test dummy when I next awoke. There was dried blood on my nose, my face was throbbing and, on the table next to me, a bill for breaking a wedding ring and ‘mental anguish’. I was in a hospital, it seemed. Cubone was standing near my bed, not seeming tired anymore. I was surprised he was actually here by my side.
“You watched over me all this time?” I asked, to which he nodded happily, giving a thumbs-up. It was just about the sweetest thing I had ever seen, but before I could tell him this, his head whipped toward the doorway. A nurse walked through the hall, listening to a walkman through a set of headphones. Cubone leapt off the table he was standing on and dashed out after her, swaying his bone about like it was a dancing prop. I guess his hearing exceeded his loyalty.

Looking over to my right, I heard a snoring from the other side of a closed curtain. Then, a loud gasp, followed by heavy breathing. I raised an eyebrow, worried.
“No, leave me alone!” a voice groaned, “Nurse! Nuuuuuuuurse! It’s a ghost doctor come here to get me!” With that, I sat straight up, eyes widened.
“Aah!” the voice screamed, “Leave me alone!! Stop staring at me like that!! Hey! HEY! Give me back my wallet! Hey, hey! Get back here!!” At that, what looked like a possessed doctor’s coat leapt out from behind the curtain. There jutted a white horn from here its head should be.
“Save me! It’s the wallet stealing dead doctor!!” I screeched, as a claw reached out from inside, “No! Its hideous blue claw is reaching out and…” I stopped there and frowned. Blue claw? I leant over and ripped off the horn, and saw that inside the coat was Leaves, staring at me innocently with the patient’s wallet in his mouth. I put the Weedle horn aside and took the wallet.
“Looks like we’re eating tonight!” I whispered excitedly to Leaves, giving the wallet a squeeze. He quickly snatched it back, insinuating that indeed he would be eating tonight.

A woman in a long white coat walked by, and I waved my hand to catch her attention.
“Excuse me, nurse?” I called, “Can I see the doctor?” She looked toward me, her mouth twitching with annoyance, and pointed at a nametag on her coat. I strained to read it over my migraine. It read, Dr. Simmonds.
“Wow nurse, that’s nifty!” I grinned, “But can you please go get me a real doctor?” She continued peering at me, and then looked down at the floor.
“It’s quite alright if you don’t know where he is,” I said sympathetically, “But maybe if-”
“I AM the doctor, you half-wit!” she snapped.
“Oh.” I muttered, “So, can I go?”
“I suppose you’re right to go.” Dr. Simmonds replied, “I’m just about to go too.”
“With me?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No! I’ve got better things to do than to stick around and tend to people like you!” she snapped, and plucked the wallet from Leaves’ mouth, “And it’s best you leave before you or your Pokémon do any more damage.”
As if on cue, there was a scream down the hall. Cubone dashed into the room, headphones on his head and the nurse’s walkman dragging behind him. He made a frantic dive to hide under the bed, leaving me to grin weakly at Dr. Simmonds and the nurse.

Luckily aforementioned nurse was a lot more understanding than Dr. Simmonds and, after the doctor had ponced off to witching school or wherever, the lovely nurse let Cubone keep the walkman. She also gave directions to the gym, and fortunately, I put two and two together; I didn’t ask why Jim got replaced.
Having departed the hospital, I took a moment to survey Dezu City. It wasn’t too big; most buildings were the size of a double-storey house, though there was one large structure that stuck out like a sore thumb.
Cubone was in his own little music world, wielding his bone like a drumstick, as Leaves moped about, still miffed about losing the wallet.
“I suppose we can skip the Pokémon Centre and head right for the gym, huh?” I asked nobody in particular. Receiving no protests from nobody, I started in the direction of the gym; supposedly not much bigger than any of the other buildings around. It was unfortunate that I didn’t know what types the leader focussed on or who, for that matter, the leader was. I dared not ask anyone, though. I had already gotten the impression that Dezu City was ‘home of the punch in the nose’.
Past a few more brick houses, I could see the gym ahead. It too looked like a big house, really. It was brick, with a tin roof and a small chimney on top. Actually, it looked kind of… cheap.
“Cubone,” I said, “With your digging and fire breathing skills, you oughta have a good chance to counter whatever the opponent sends out, so I’ll send you out first, ’k?” I waited for a response and got none. “OK?”
I looked down at Cubone, who was moonwalking, throwing his arms around with a weird flare and being genuinely flamboyant, enough to frighten any young boy. I sighed and returned him to his Pokéball, picking up the walkman as it dropped to the ground. No use trying to reason with a Michael Jackson impersonating Cubone.

Leaves and I walked up the small flight of cement steps, and I knocked on the hard wooden door. It echoed with an eerie thud, to which Leaves gulped and backed up nervously.
“Don’t worry,” I said calmly, “That echo’s probably just due to the wood they use. Pine, perhaps.” I looked closer at the door, “Actually, it’s a bit dark to be pine. Maybe they varnished it too much?” I leant over and took a whiff of the wood.
“What the hell are you doing?” a static voice blared. I looked up to see a security camera and an old speaker.
“I’m sniffing your door!” I snapped, “Is that a crime?”

There was an annoyed sigh, and the door clicked. I twisted the handle, pushed it open and stepped inside. I cautiously looked around at my surroundings; a large grey room, somewhat dark due to only having two windows. The floor was an even more confounding shade of wood, but no matter. A receptionist typed busily away at a computer.
“Do you have an appointment?” she asked without looking away from the monitor.
“No,” I replied casually, “But I came here with some Pokémon and to my understanding the basic idea is to beat the opposing Pokémon up and win a badge so that I can join the Pokémon League and impress my 300-pound landlord.”
“Oh, no…” the receptionist groaned.
I frowned, “Well he may be 280, but I can’t be sure.”
The receptionist turned away from the computer, revealing that she was actually Dr. Simmonds.
“Hey, you’re Dr. Simmonds!” I gasped.
“I know that!” she spat, “You can’t be serious, though, about fighting Gordon.”
“I can be serious about a lot of things,” I replied, “But if I go and beat up this Gordon guy, will you give me a shot at the gym leader?”
Dr. Simmonds let out an exasperated screech. “Gordon IS the gym leader! And I doubt very much you’ll survive his challenge.”
“Oh?” I said warily, “Tell me more.”
“Well,” Dr. Simmonds started, folding her legs and leaning back in her chair, “Gordon is in his mid-twenties, he’s tall, he’s got blonde hair and he’s real cute. He’s got a great tan, and a nice butt, too…”
“About the challenge!” I shouted, covering Leaves’ ears, “You’re disillusioning the children!”
“Fine,” Dr. Simmonds sighed in a snooty tone, “Gordon has no set Pokémon element, and I’ll have you know he’s widely acclaimed as being the biggest test and trainer will ever face. He used to have a Scizor, Nidoking and Heracross, but he gave them all to the mayor, saying that he were too weak! The mayor was happy; he keeps all sorts of rare and powerful Pokémon. Gordon hasn’t been out in public for a while, the last I saw, he was training a Larvitar, yes, a Larvitar! I can just see the glory his Tyranitar will bestow upon this gym!”
I stood there with a blank look on my face. Who, or what, was a Tyranitar? It sounded bad. Maybe it was just that everything Dr. Simmonds says sounds bad, but this in particular worried me.
“So when can I fight him?” I said shakily.
Dr. Simmonds swung back to her computer, “The earliest I can fit you in is… Five PM tomorrow.”
“Five? Tomorrow?” I groaned, “Can’t you do anything?”
“No, I’m afraid that’s the earliest Gordon is allowing battles after his Tyranitar training. That’s all I can do.”
“Aw, come on!” I whined, “How could someone as inconsiderate as you become a doctor?”
Dr. Simmonds swung right around to face me, and shot an icy glare.
“Uhh…” I stuttered, sweat collecting, “So what time did you say that was?”
“6 AM.” She hissed, “In TWO days. Between now and then I suggest you train, prepare your will and GET THE HELL OUT!!”
I shrivelled up as I backed away from Dr. Simmonds. Leaves flashed the brass knuckles and looked at me for approval, but I shook my head. She was a doctor, she was liable to heal herself. Or a witch, in which case she could’ve done that anyway.

We walked outside, feeling the cold wind blow against us, and already I felt defeated. I hadn’t been planning on staying in Dezu City for as long as I already had, and now I had to wait another two days. I had a refreshed hatred for all things doctor. I’d take their advice, of course, but don’t expect me to take any more of their prescriptions!
“Leaves,” I said drearily, “I guess we should start training, but first, I think we should catch some really strong Pokémon for this Gordon guy. I mean, the last thing I want is to get creamed by the biggest train on Thomas the Tank Engine.” Leaves looked up at me with a stare I had gotten all too used to by now, “But how are we going to get the ‘mon and train in only two days?”
I looked down at Leaves, who looked back up at me. A grin spread across his face. I gazed up to the sky. It was getting dark, and lights flicked on in some buildings. I strained to see the large building in the distance, and a plan began to formulate in my head.
“Leaves,” I cackled, “Let’s go visit the mayor…”
********************************
“Pen?”
“Saur.”
“Horn?”
“Saur.”
“You ready?”
“Saur.”
I frowned, “Leaves, were you answering yes?”
“Saur.”
“Was that a yes or a no?”
“Bulb.”
“Oh forget it!”
I shuddered as a cold wind blew by; Leaves and I huddled near the large building. This wasn’t going to be easy, and if we were caught, I’d be put in jail, Leaves could go to some frog dissectors and Cubone would probably acquire a British accent and join a boy band, I reckon.
I shuffled around to the front door, and promptly stopped dead in my tracks.
“Leaves!” I groaned, “We don’t have masks!”
We stood there for a moment, as I contemplated the possibility of using Leaves’ face as a mask in a morbid Hannibal-mon fashion. Deciding against this, I eventually took off a sock, poked out eyeholes with my pen and put it over my head. I offered one to Leaves, but he refused. I assumed it had something to do with the fact that I could only see through with one eye and, should I need to, my mouth.
I looked through the glass door. There was a big room with a fountain in the center. No security guards or receptionist though. I nodded to Leaves, and opened the door slightly. We crept quietly, looking about cautiously, until I made it to the front desk. There was a loud DING! as I pressed the service bell. Leaves looked at me wide-eyed and shocked.
“Sorry,” I gulped, “Force of habit!” Panicking, we bolted across the room and made a mad dive into the fountain. Though I doubt the shallow water hid my features all that well, I ignored that as I strained to hear (quite a feat underwater) heavy footsteps across the marble floor.
“Damn kids.” A voice muttered, before returning to wherever they came, which probably isn’t important enough to think about. I shot out of the water, gasping for air, and plopped onto the floor. I was gagging, but relieved. Not only did we avoid getting caught, but also I picked up twenty-five cents in change!

Leaves crawled out after me and nudged his head towards the elevator. I nodded, reached into my pocket and pulled out the pen. I threw it lightly toward the elevator to see if there was laser alarm equipment installed. The pen landed safely; it would live another day. I looked around sneakily for no apparent reason and then crawled along the floor towards the elevators. Leaves followed suit, and I stabbed furiously at the button. Panic set in again in this precarious position, before the elevator finally reached the floor we were on. We raced in and looked at the panel. Eight floors.
“Best we start with the first floor.” I decided, pressing that button. Leaves nodded, as the elevator doors closed. We stood there for a moment, before they opened again. I peeked out, and noted that it was in fact the same floor.
“I guess this is the first floor.” I chuckled sheepishly. Leaves sighed as I pressed the button for the second floor.
The doors soon opened to a long hall with several doors on each side.
“I don’t believe it!” I said with glee, “1A, 1B, 1C, 1D… each Pokémon has their own room! And with eight floors… times that by the number of rooms on each floor… Do you know how many Pokémon that means?” Leaves shook his head, excitedly, I responded, “A lot!”
There was a hitch in the plan, however, that would prove damning, “We don’t have much time, though.” I sighed, “We better just grab a few then split. But which ones?”
Leaves looked at the long hall of doors, then shrugged. I stepped back into the elevator, and contemplated the buttons in front of me.
“Maybe we should go to the basement,” I said, “That’s where the highest security would be.” I pressed BF, and Leaves and I readied ourselves.

When the door finally opened, we found ourselves in a very small room with a door right across from us. I walked up to it, and fiddled with the handle.
“It’s locked!” I groaned. I was about to chuck a fit, until I recalled I had the multipurpose Weedle horn. I pulled it out of my pocket and stuck it in the lock. I fiddled around for what seemed like, and very well may have been, an hour, until it popped open.
“It worked!” I gasped, “It really worked!” I proudly pulled the horn from the lock, and as soon as I did, it snapped shut again.
“Uh…” I muttered, “Whoops.” After another lock-picking session, I opened the door to a dark room. There weren’t any sources of light, aside from the one in the previous room.
“Let’s just find the Pokémon and get out of here.” I said nervously to Leaves. We shuffled into the room and felt around. Some packaging, some magazines, some…thing.
“Found anything Leaves?” I whispered.
“Saur.”
I groaned, annoyed. I continued to go through the items, until I fell upon something round. I picked it up, and, feeling around, I felt that there were more.
“I found them!” I gasped, “Grab as many as you can and let’s split!”
********************************
Tomorrow afternoon. Leaves, Cubone and I sat around the Pokémon Centre, who had let us that morning in despite the fact that I was wearing a sock on my head. Leaves and I were fuming, whereas Cubone knew nothing about last night’s events, and just sat on a beanbag, listening to the walkman. I turned on the TV. No use avoiding it anymore. Leaves and I watched the report that had been going around each and every news channel for the last few hours.
‘-and although the robbers had left no clues as to who they were, they did leave a large puddle near the fountain.
Police are still sceptical about making accusations, as they are still not sure whether sneaking around a hotel, breaking into the storage room, and stealing a few dollars worth of soap balls is a chargeable offence. There-’
I muted the TV angrily. What a waste. That wasn’t the mayor’s office we broke into, those weren’t Pokéballs we stole, and I now added hotels to my ‘things I hate’ list.
“Well guys,” I sighed, “A dozen multicoloured balls of Palmolive isn’t gonna beat Gordon unless we’re really good pitchers or he hates bathing with a vengeance. Guess it’s just going to be the two of you tomorrow, we should start training…”

[Sike Saner]

He stole soap balls. XD *dies*

The pitchfork-guy was so weird, and the situation got even more amusing when the kids showed up. XD And when Dr. Simmonds was going on about Gordon’s “great tan” and “nice butt”…oh, dear Lord…XD

Also, this:

“What the hell are you doing?” a static voice blared. I looked up to see a security camera and an old speaker.
“I’m sniffing your door!” I snapped, “Is that a crime?”

One of those great “never thought I’d ever see that in text” clips. XD Love it.

[Drago]

Sike Saner: lol thank you! I've always liked that chapter, and the quoted segment still stands as one of my favourite moments in this fic. But I'm tooting my own horn here. If I wanted to keep going I could declare this the BEST POKEMON PARODY FIC EVER, but before I could finish that sentence I'd probably get assaulted by Andrew or Silver Machop, wherever he may be.

Now then, I'm afraid one chapter a month isn't good enough, Anthony! *kicks self in shin* I've been lazy, I know... I've just kinda been circulating ideas for new chapters, which are a long, long way off. I've gotta focus on today, today! So today, here's today's today chapter... TODAY!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Fourth
The… Other… Gym

“Come on, Cubone!” I cried, as he charged fiercely towards Tyranitar. He raised his bone above his head, dodging Tyranitar’s clumsy swipes. Tyranitar took one more vertical swipe, and, as the massive claw hit the ground, Cubone saw his opportunity and leapt up high. He shouted, and then inexplicably turned into a carrot. I hate it when that happens!!
“No!” I whined, attempting to return my carrot, but upon doing so found that my fist was made of stone. I couldn’t hold it up any longer, and fell to the ground in shame.
“Sorry, old chap,” Tyranitar scoffed, smoking a pipe, “Better luck next time.”
“GYAA!!” I gasped, shooting straight up. There was a sudden change of scenery, and I looked around groggily. I was on the couch in the Pokémon Centre. I guess I had just dreamt that battle? I shrugged, and my eyes caught sight of the clock. Unfortunately, the digital numbers claimed it was 3:48.
“Leaves, Cubone, wake up!” I gasped, “We fell asleep! It’s mid-afternoon! Mid, my children!!” I shook both Pokémon and dashed outside. They were both still tired as they stood beside me; useless for training, possibly good for kicking, but that might not be productive.
“Fine.” I snapped begrudgingly, returning Cubone to his Pokéball, “I’ll wait for a while.” I took another step forward and cringed. “These shorts are giving me a wedgie.” I muttered, garnering a disgusted frown from Leaves.
“I doubt these would fit your weird frame either,” I continued, “I guess I better buy some new clothes.”
“Bulb… saaur.” Leaves mumbled as I checked my pockets.
“You’re right, I don’t have any money!” I whined, “But, umm, we should still look around, see if there’s any Barney fans willing to trade garments, hobos to strip, that kinda thing, y’know?”

So we began walking through Dezu City. I really don’t know why it’s called a city; there’s no spiffy shops or landmarks or tourist attractions, it’s mostly just housing for farmers and people who work elsewhere nearby. Quite a boring ‘city’, I reckon.
“Pardon me, boy,” I called to a kid walking past, having to resist asking if this was the Chattanooga choo-choo, “What’s around here to do?”
“Uhh…” he said dully, “There’s the gym…”
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, rolling my eyes, “I have a match with Gordon tomorrow.”
“Not that gym…” he mumbled, slightly annoyed, “The… other… gym.” He had a small smile on his face, which kinda creeped me out. This other gym sounded quite illegal. “It’s where people here train… for Gordon.” He said and continued on his way, pointing toward a one-storey building that wasn’t exactly big, but sure seemed… long, for lack of a better word. I shrugged and walked toward it. When I got to the door, I pushed it lightly, only to have it fall off the hinges and crash to the floor. Leaves and I stood there dumbfounded as a group of people observed us from within. They didn’t look at all pleased.
“Oh no,” I gulped, shutting my eyes tight and cringing, “I’ve killed the door!”
“You idiot!” one of them snapped, “I simply cannot believe…” he grabbed my arm harshly and lifted it up, “That you’d wear those clothes!” Not receiving a punch in the face, I opened my eyes slowly, and peered at myself. I had forgotten to ponder just how other people felt about my getup. Though the pink Barney T-shirt and Hello Kitty runners might be okay, I just knew these short shorts were pushing it, literally and figuratively.
“Well, uh…” I said sheepishly, “This is all I’ve got.”
He backed up, shocked, “Wha…? I cannot let that be!” He folded his arms, frowning.
“No, no, no!” the others behind him chimed in unison.
He grinned widely, “You should wear something that simply screams…”
“Wow,” I interrupted, “A screaming shirt! That’d be nifty.”
He corrected that error, “Screams good taste, of course.”
********************************
I stepped out of the change room in my new wardrobe. Why this gym would have its own change room was a confusing matter in itself, though the flamboyance of the clothing had its own merit. I was now wearing a long shiny orange coat that stretched down to my feet, a dangerously tight green shirt, a silver belt, shiny black flair pants and pointy white shoes. I felt like I was being transformed right then and there. I rubbed my hands across my face, and breathed a sigh of relief to find that there were no suspicious sideburns or bold facial hair sprouting instantaneously. I looked around nervously, and licked my coat. After a moment, I spat in disgust. So much for good taste… I walked into the training room, where the group seemed impressed.
“Now THAT’S style!” the leader grinned, giving a thumbs-up.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the others agreed.
“Now that you’ve met me, dressed me and checked me out,” I said, thinking these sounded like an unusual dating routine, “My name is Anthony.”
The leader extended his hand, “Jim.” he replied.
“Oh… my… god.” I gasped, “You’re Jim? …Of the gym? The gym leader Jim whose gym is the gym of Jim??”
Jim shook his head, “Not really. We go by the title of the… other… gym.”
“So what do you do here?” I asked.
“We train those soon to fight Gordon!” he replied, “Although our humble Pokémon are nothing compared to what Gordon is capable of…” He shot a fist to the air menacingly, “We merely SMASH! And CRASH! And SHATTER! And BREAK EVERY BONE IN THE OPPONENT’S BODY!!”
“Super!” I replied, “Wanna battle?” Jim and his cohorts fell to the ground at that remark, taken aback by my lack of interest in their fancy capital-letter threats. After he gathered himself, Jim and I stood on opposite ends of the gym.
“Here we go!” Jim shouted, lifting a Pokéball to the air.
“Go, go, go!” the others echoed.
Jim shuddered. “Guys…” he whispered, “Could you, like, uh… get lost?”
They happily obeyed, dashing into another room. “Lost, lost, lost!”
Jim tossed down the Pokéball, and after a flash of light, out came a… thing! A thing with… legs…
“What the hell is that leggy thing?” I groaned.
“Check you pocket.” Jim said slyly. I shot my hand into the coat pocket with such obedience I deserved a milk bone, and my hands fell upon some rectangular object.
“A Pokédex!” I gasped, and excitedly pulled it out. Instead of the marvellous red device I had anticipated, I had in my hand a scratched-up, black object.
“Well, it’s a little old.” Jim muttered, “Before they realised that red was the new black.” I shrugged that off, and pointed the Pokédex at the opponent.
“WHAT IS THAT?!!” I shouted proudly, in a voice as campy as humanly possible.

Hello…customer #04195…I am…a Pokédex… Oak Laboratories thanks you…for purchasing…this fine product. We hope you will be…pleased with- I impatiently stabbed at a few buttons. Hitmonlee…the kicking Pokémon… Using its feet as its focal point of fighting…it can kick so…rapidly that its attacks are but a…blur.

“Alrighty!” I muttered, “Hitmonkey!” I paused, and gazed back at the Pokédex’s screen. “Hitmonlee, whatever. I think I’ll use Cubone. That alright with you, Leaves?” I looked around for the Bulb-is-sore, then looking out the doorway, saw that he was busy outside, shooting sesame seeds at windows around the town. I frowned, trying to figure out where he got those.
I threw Cubone’s Pokéball to the ground. He shot out, stretched and dashed over to me. He reached into my pocket and snatched out the walkman. He switched on the radio, and I could hear a deep-voiced tenor booming out of the headphones. Ready for battle, Cubone strode slowly towards Hitmonlee.
“Cubone, I started, “Use your-” before I could finish, Cubone had found an appropriate time in the music to run into battle himself, giving a surprised Hitmonlee a few swipes with his bone. Bone Rush. The Pokédex assisted.
“Hitmonlee,” Jim shouted, “Do your High Jump Kick!” Wasting no time, Hitmonlee backed away, then leapt at Cubone, foot outstretched on his freakishly long, spindly leg. Cubone stared at Hitmonlee as though he were trying to peer a hole through him, then at the last moment, spun aside and gracefully dodged the kick attack. Detect.
Hitmonlee, unable to stop his momentum, flew headlong into a wall and layed sprawled on the gym floor. He got up slowly, standing dizzily for a moment. Then he turned toward Cubone, who was standing upright in a form so stiff he looked as though he was about to start up the Riverdance. Of course, if a whole slew of chorus dancers came out to join in, or possibly pummel Hitmonlee and kick him with their shiny shoes, that’d be really handy.
With speed that could be described as startling, Cubone rolled forward and headbutted Hitmonlee in one sweeping motion. Skull Bash.
“Hitmonlee,” Jim gasped, keenly noting that his Hitmonlee was quickly becoming a Hitmonloser, “Use Substitute and get outta there!!” At this command, Hitmonlee disappeared in a puff of smoke. In his place was a tiny little Clefairy doll. I was dumbfounded exactly what he had done, or why he had done it; it seemed to me as though that technique would be more fruitless than a dead banana tree. Cubone didn’t seemed to care either way, his music lead the way as he hopped across toward the doll and, when a dramatic violin segment started up, he set his bone down on the floor and started wiggling his fingers. The more he wiggled, the more his claws seemed to glow an eerie blue. Metronome.
“Metronome?” I repeated, “What the hell is that? Is it a rude word?”

Cubone closed his eyes and a pulsing wave of energy shot out towards Hitmonlee’s decoy. It seemed as though the air itself jumped in a slight bluish flash. Psychic.
Hitmonlee’s Substitute shattered into tiny little pieces, bringing Hitmonlee himself back into the fray. …Does that always happen when Cubone breaks toys?
Cubone charged towards his opponent, then circled around him. He lifted the great brown git above his head, spinning like a top until both members of the attack were a blur. Seismic Toss.
I watched giddily as Cubone had laid waste to the hapless Hitmonlee so far, and this Seismic Toss thingy looked like it would put this away for good, unless of course it just consisted of a lot of spinning, which wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. As I contemplated what was going on, I could just barely make out an errant voice over Cubone’s headphones. The music had stopped and an ad break had commenced. Cubone couldn’t figure out this break in his musical tirade, and he dropped Hitmonlee to the ground, bemused and hitting at his walkman. Hitmonlee looked like he wanted to throw up from all that spinning, but he had Cubone off-guard now.
“Now’s your chance, use your secret technique!” Jim shouted, and I pondered what kind of kicking move would be so wonderful as to be secret. To my amazement, Hitmonlee instead lifted his tiny little fist, which looked frail as though he had never used it in combat before. He threw a tiny little punch which hit Cubone in the gut. Mach Punch.
“That was twenty-three levels of lame…” I sputtered, dumbfounded. Regardless, Cubone’s eyes widened, tears welling. He dropped the walkman to the ground, then keeled over toward the floor, before finally falling, crumpled up and holding his gut. He wasn’t getting up.

“Come on, that’s ridiculous!!” I bellowed, “Cubone threw the fight! It was rigged!!” I noted the fact that he wasn’t moving much, “Or alternatively, you killed him, which isn’t any better!”
“He’s fine,” Jim said quietly, “A quick rest and he’ll be back on his feet.” He stepped through a doorway, Hitmonlee by his side, “Of course, if you couldn’t beat me, Gordon is an obstacle you won’t even get close to passing.”
I snarled angrily as Jim left us in the room. First he plonks me in this crazy suit, then he thumps my Cubone in the breadbasket, then he insults me, then he… well no actually, that was it. I returned Cubone to his ball, dejected. I looked up to see Leaves standing in the doorway, contemplating. I had no idea how long he had been there; could’ve just gotten there, could’ve been there the whole match. His mouth was still full of sesame seeds, and a plan circulated in my head.
“Leaves, it’s time to go.” I said, “So why don’t you leave the nice people with a farewell message?” He nodded, and fired sesame seeds into the floor, spelling out ‘bye’. He then proceeded to fire out the rest of his sesame seed arsenal into the walls, leaving marks and holes all over the room. I chuckled to myself and dashed outside towards the Pokémon Centre. It was an empty victory, but a Tony Chambers victory all the same. Even if we lose tomorrow… I thought confidently, I can always shoot him full of holes with my Bulb-is-sore!

[Sike Saner]

There was a lot that I liked in that chapter, and I mean a lot. Let’s get right on to my favorite things that occurred within it, shall we?

Cubone saw his opportunity and leapt up high. He shouted, and then inexplicably turned into a carrot.

OH MY GOD. I know someone who absolutely MUST read this now—that kind of humor is right up his alley. And it makes me laugh, too—ah, the wondrous randomness that can occur in dreams. The pipe-smoking Tyranitar in that same dream wins, too.

“Leaves, Cubone, wake up!” I gasped, “We fell asleep! It’s mid-afternoon! Mid, my children!!”

For some reason I just really like the heck out of that quote. Maybe because it’s very fun to read aloud.

They were both still tired as they stood beside me; useless for training, possibly good for kicking, but that might not be productive.

XD I love that.

When I got to the door, I pushed it lightly, only to have it fall off the hinges and crash to the floor. Leaves and I stood there dumbfounded as a group of people observed us from within. They didn’t look at all pleased.
“Oh no,” I gulped, shutting my eyes tight and cringing, “I’ve killed the door!”

Yes! Lament the door! XD

“Here we go!” Jim shouted, lifting a Pokéball to the air.
“Go, go, go!” the others echoed.
Jim shuddered. “Guys…” he whispered, “Could you, like, uh… get lost?”
The happily obeyed, dashing into another room. “Lost, lost, lost!”

I love the heck out of that; it’s just so awesomely silly.

It seemed as though the air itself jumped in a slight bluish flash. Psychic.

I genuinely like the way the Psychic technique is described there. ^^


So. That was definitely some great, funny stuff this time, as before. OH. And I also want to commend the use of the phrase “more fruitless than a dead banana tree”; I really liked that.

[Drago]

Sike Saner: Thank you so much for your support, I thought the chapter wasn't that great at first, but you've made me feel otherwise. Interestingly, a lot of the stuff you quoted wasn't in the original '02 version. Perhaps I'm better than I once was? Huh? Huh?
If I were to write a reply to Joyce, it might start with Re:Joyce. Similarly, there shalt be much Re:Joycing today, for it is the day of Minty Thrill being... resumed!! Wa-haaaaay!! Yeah, I don't really have an excuse for the hiatus, other than being told off for spending too much time and effort on trivial things like fanfics and not on my career and uni studies. The truth hurts, it really does. But hey, let's alleviate the SHTING with another chappy. This one was decidedly lame back in the day, it's the first one I've edited very substantially. Might still be lame, but hey, that's a risk we're willing to take. Take the plunge, kindelah!!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Fifth
The Loud Fight

I brushed a snowflake off my coat and stepped up to the door. It was a cold snowy morning and we were at the gym, ready for our match. Not so much ready in the sense of being well prepared and confident, but ready in the sense that I hadn’t piked. Cubone stood on one side of me, Leaves on the other. I took one last deep, frosty breath, then pushed on the door. To my shock and horror, it would not open upon said push.
“Noo!!” I whined, “I’m not gonna get in! There will be no ger-lorious battle for Tony Chambers, I’m just gonna die waiting out here, with nothing but a miserable, hardly-visible sign saying cause of death: beaten by a door!” I slammed my fist against the door angrily, “And I don’t even know whether or not it’s pine!!”
“You right there?” a voice snapped from nearby. I put a halt to my soliloquy and looked over my shoulder, towards a blonde chick leaning out the window of her house, next door to the gym. She was a dead-set hottie and I would’ve loved to have swooned her with my mighty physique and spelling abilities, but I had more important matters to tend to at the moment, namely solioquying. “My mum’s trying to sleep, could you keep it down?” she continued.
“Well unless your MUM has a shiny badge to give to me, I care not for her sleeping!” I shouted in return.
“Dude, that’s not cool.” She said spitefully, “What’s your problem?”
“The door won’t open, Madame,” I said, “And I doubt you’ve got a solution for this thorny little issue, hmm?”
“Did you try the handle?” She said flatly. I was about to respond, but thought it best to try this crazy little idea first. I turned the handle of the door, pushed it and… success! It opened!!
I stood there fuming for a minute. “You win this round, Missy, but I’ll be back…”
“Yeah great.” She muttered and closed the window. Leaves was sniggering at this confrontation, though I would have the last laugh as I kicked him in the ribs. Pokémon abuse is so much fun!

We stepped into the main room and peered around for a moment. Dr. Simmonds was in her chair, sleeping peacefully against her desk. I guess it was still a good time for sleeping; I myself hadn’t woken this early since Christmas morning last year. Of course, that was because the room was flooded, but that’s beyond the point. I looked past her and up towards a big black door.
“Welcome Anthony,” an ominous voice called from the other side, “Come in to face my wrath… IF YOU CAN! Muahahaha!! Muahahahahaa!” There was a moment’s pause. “Ah what the hey, muahaha!!”
I ran anxiously up towards the door, if not to battle then to see what was so damn funny.
“Hey,” I frowned when I got close to it, “There’s no handle this time.”
“Yes,” the voice responded, “The only way you can get through is by saying the victory word!”
“Now what in tarnation would that be??” I muttered. Leaves and Cubone merely gave shrugs in response. This would’ve been cause for alarm, though I knew the solution. I had to call on the valuable advice of… BLONDE CHICK!

I dashed back outside, and spotted her out the front of her house, bringing in the mail.
“Blonde chick!” I called.
“Dumb guy!” she responded, “What now?”
At that it occurred to me that I didn’t like this blonde chick. Regardless, “Umm I reckon you’re not quite as worthless as I first made you out to be. I might need your help.”
“More door issues?” she said jokingly.
“…Yes, actually.” I replied, actually kind of surprised by that myself, “I can’t get through unless I say ‘the victory word’.”
She stood there for a moment. “It’s victory.”
“Victory?” I repeated, and the black door opened ajar. My jaw dropped at the idiocy of that request, as the blonde chick turned and walked away. “Looking forward to our next lesson.” She said.
Cubone found it pretty funny that the victory word was the word victory, and chuckled quietly under his breath, which was promptly met with a swift stomp on his toe. He yelped, and then went quiet. In theory, injuring my own Pokémon before a gym battle wasn’t a great idea, but it might help. You never know.

I turned back in, past the still snoozing Dr. Simmonds and walked through the black door. On the other side was a big room with several markings on the floor. Free-throw line… goal space… It was, quite literally, a gymnasium. In the centre of the room stood a fellow in his twenties with a big grin on his face. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of shorts, and obviously had no clue that it was actually snowing outside. He tiled his head over to the corner. When I looked in that direction, I gasped in terror. There was in the corner a giant green dinosaur. It stretched up to the roof, standing there, a piercing glare aimed down at the doorway. Terrifying!! How come I hadn’t noticed it when I first entered, though? And why isn’t it like in my dreams, big, fluffy and with a goatee?
“I’m Gordon!” the proclamation was made.
“Really?!” I gasped, “You’re huge!!”
“Over here, dude.” The human muttered. Apparently he was the one who was talking. He was a much less intimidating figure, I would’ve preferred to battle him. “That over there is my Tyranitar! It’ll eat your puny Pokémon for breakfast! You should leave before you get hurt little man, you don’t really wanna battle me, huh?”
“Well of course!” I scoffed, which garnered a shocked look from Gordon, “It sounds like loads of fun.”
“But, but, uh…” Gordon fumbled with his words, seeming not to believe my enthusiasm to get my Pokémon killed.
“Go Cubone,” I commanded, not waiting for a response, “Show that jolly green git what you’re made of! …And by that, I don’t mean get ripped in half and literally show him.”
Particularly reluctant after that remark, Cubone still dashed across the gym floor towards the great beast. Tyranitar didn’t seem fazed by this approach; it didn’t move a muscle as Cubone made his way toward it. When he got close enough, Cubone let out a shout and flung his bone at Tyranitar with all his force.

There was a loud tearing sound, and to our amazement, the bone went right through the giant beast, leaving a large gaping hole right in its gut. Too much force, perhaps.
“What the?” I gasped, “Tyranitar is the Cardboard Pokémon??” I shifted my gaze towards Gordon, who seemed to be sweating bullets, no matter how cold it was. I looked at him quizzically, while he seemed to be pretending not to notice the fact that Cubone was currently fishing his bone out of the hole in his Tyranitar.
“Umm… I think I might level with you.” Gordon said finally, closing the black door behind us and walking up close to me, “I don’t really have a Tyranitar. I was training a Larvitar for a while, and things we’re going great, until…”
“Until what?” I asked quietly, confused beyond belief.
“Until it ran away.” Gordon said quickly. I wasn’t buying it.
“It… died of… food poisoning.” He said next. Not falling for that one, either.
“Alright I SAT ON IT!” Gordon blurted out, then folded his arms in annoyance, “I don’t have any Pokémon any more, so I’m not handing out any more badges.” I prepared the whiny tirade that I would soon be launching, but before I could I could hear the sound of clacking shoes from the other side of the door.
“Gordon?” Dr. Simmonds’ voice called, “What’s all that yelling? Are you about to battle? Ohhh, I’m so excited!! Kill him Gordon, kill him!!” Not exactly ringing support for me.

“Oh no…” Gordon groaned, turning pale, “I don’t want Mimi to know I don’t have a Tyranitar…” He looked around frantically for a solution, but there didn’t seem to be one that didn’t involve a lot of glue. “Look kid, I’ll make a deal with ya. If you make it sound like we’re having the battle of the century, I’ll give you the Mightbuckle.” From out of his pocket, he pulled out the glorious object I had so clamoured. It was a brilliant star-shaped belt buckle.
“…Belt buckle?” I said in disbelief, “What about the badge? I want my badge, Mr. Gordon!!”
“Yeah, new league policy.” Gordon replied, peering at the buckle in his hand, “The league changed commissioners a little while ago, and the new guy concluded that all badges should be replaced with belt buckles.”
“…Was the new commissioner by any chance a belt buckle manufacturer?” I queried, and the response was a quick nod.
“So are you gonna help me or not?” Gordon asked. I looked down at Leaves, then at Cubone. Both nodded in approval. I shrugged, and cleared my throat.
“ALRIGHT GORDON,” I bellowed in a voice more campy than that of a horror flick starring Bruce Campbell, “I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE TO FIGHT AND WILL FIGHT YOU NOW SO THAT I CAN WIN AND NOT LOSE THIS BATTLE WHICH I WANT TO WIN SO THAT I CAN GAIN A SHINY BELT BUCKLE TO SHOW OFF TO MY LANDLORD!!” I panted for breath for a moment, “Go Cubone!!” Cubone took his place in the centre of the ring, ready to fight this nonexistent opponent, “Now use your Bone Hit Thing!”
Sick of trying to figure out commands like ‘Bone Hit Thing’, Cubone simply swung his bone about like a madman, sometimes hitting the floor for extra effect.
“Nice block Tyranitar,” Gordon yelled, “Now use your Bite!” We all stood there blankly for a moment; there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of biting going on.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “MUNCH! Chew, chew… gobble gobble gobble!” Gordon shook his head in embarrassment, clearly not impressed by my Bite, “Yum!” I took a step back with a look of shock (a very loud step and a very loud look of shock), “Oh no Cubone! Your arm is… gone! Now I can never win the award for Best Cubone With Two Arms. Get your vengeance! Use your shouting attack where you yell at them!”
Cubone opened his mouth, and shrieked at an incredibly high pitch.
“AG!” I wailed, covering my ears.
“Tyranitar,” Gordon shouted, “Make it stop!!” I dashed over towards the centre of the gym and whacked Cubone across the skull. He stopped, then looked up at me sheepishly.
“That was good!” I cried, “A little too good.”
“Use Dragonbreath!” Gordon commanded.
“What-breath?” I said with a gulp, to which Gordon shrugged. “Bleeeeeeeeaaaaahh!” I hacked like a madman firing spit in all directions, “Bleaah bleaah bleaaaaaaaah!!”
No wonder it takes Pokémon so long to learn attacks. They’re hard to pull off!!
“Oh Cubone! You’re a mess my boy, you’ve lost a tooth you have!” I wailed melodramatically, “Enter the fray, Leaves!”
“Bulba!” Leaves proclaimed, proudly strutting into the battlefield.
“Leaves, use Growl!” I shouted.
“Bulbarrrrr…” Leaves garbled in a strange voice, “Arrrr arrrrr arrrr…” He looked pretty pleased with himself; I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was a terrible actor.
“Uhh, right.” Gordon muttered, “Anyway, use Slash attack Tyranitar!” As expected, it was up to me to find an appropriate sound effect, this time I opted to scratch against the floor with the Weedle horn. How I did love that horn.
“Leaves, give him a dose of RAGE!!” I shouted.
“Tyranitar, counter with OUTRAGE!!” Gordon shot back.
“Saaaaaaaurrrrrraaaaaaaaaaarrrr RAAAAAARRR!!!” Leaves started dashing about the gym, howling and raving. I joined him, similarly snarling and hollering and stomping around in circles. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone watching us through the window. It was the blonde chick, who could not believe the spectacle she was witness to. I suddenly felt like a cosplayer who received unexpected guests while dressed as Magmar. In other words, I wasn’t the coolest guy in the room.
“Now Tyranitar, launch your Hyper Beam!” Gordon interrupted this outrageous display (hidden joke there). I took a very deep breath, turned towards Leaves then unleashed the attack. “BLEAHAHAUHUAHAUAH! BLEAUHAUHA! BLEUHEUAHA!!” I screeched with all I could. If I really were a Pokémon, that would’ve been one hell of a Hyper Beam. Now how in the hell would Leaves have survived that? “Wow! It… missed.”
Gordon frowned, a little disappointed. “Now Leaves, use MEGA BITE!!” I hadn’t noticed that Leaves was covered with saliva from my fierce attack by this point, and as such, his Mega Bite had a hidden agenda behind it. He leapt up and chomped my nose with a vengeance.
“OHHHH!” I wailed, throwing my hands up to my nose, which started bleeding again. “OH MY GOD! OHHH! AGGH!!! OH MY…… OHH… I……… I… uh, WON!”
Gordon let out a sigh of relief. “That was a good fight Tyranitar, we’ll do better next time!” He yelled, then handed me the Mightbuckle. He grinned at me, pleased with our five-star Pokémon battle, then pushed open the door. Dr. Simmonds looked shocked when she saw the amount of blood on my face as well as the gym floor. Of course, she never stopped to think about why it was Leaves and Cubone looked perfectly fine.

I slithered out of the gym for them to sort out those inconsistencies on their own, and sat on the front step. Cubone and Leaves sat down next to me, more than ready to leave Dezu City. I could’ve sworn Leaves had a chunk of schnoz in his teeth.
“What a lame match.” I sighed, then perked up, “But what a great prize!” I lifted the Mightbuckle up against the sun, then realised it was covered in blood. “Aww Hölle!” I groaned. Dezu City, city of much blood. Catchy.

[Seeker_of_Truth]

WUAHAHAH! Good stuff, man! I dont often laugh at funny stories, but this one has done a pretty fine job at making me giggle.

I think one of my favorite aspects of the story is your array of door humor. I've spotted 4 instances of it thus far and hope to see much more door humor in the future. My favorite so far is the one where he's sniffing the door. Pure comic gold of the 24 karot variety.

It's the randomness that appeals to me. That's why I love shows like Family Guy and Futurama. I can only spot one negative thus far and that is the infrequency of chapter posting. I'm afraid the only cure for this disease is to post another chapter. In other words, MORE CHAPTERS, PLEASE!!!!!

In conclussion...
Door humor = good
more chapters = good
belt buckles = snazzy
carrot-type pokemon = yummy
palmolive theft = funny
1 month waits = not so much

[Sike Saner]

Ha… I can honestly say that I’ve never read a gym battle quite like that one: a battle that was almost completely comprised of foley artistry. My favorite sound effects would have to be the ones meant to simulate Dragonbreath and Hyper Beam—they came out sounding more like Dragonbarf and Hyper Puke. XD

And also great was the cardboard Tyranitar, and the reasons why Gordon didn’t have a real one. HE SAT ON HIS LARVITAR. XD

Other highlights:

I brushed a snowflake off my coat and stepped up to the door. It was a cold snowy morning and we were at the gym, ready for our match. Not so much ready in the sense of being well prepared and confident, but ready in the sense that I hadn’t piked. Cubone stood on one side of me, Leaves on the other. I took one last deep, frosty breath, then pushed on the door. To my shock and horror, it would not open upon said push.
“Noo!!” I whined, “I’m not gonna get in! There will be no ger-lorious battle for Tony Chambers, I’m just gonna die waiting out here, with nothing but a miserable, hardly-visible sign saying cause of death: beaten by a door!” I slammed my fist against the door angrily, “And I don’t even know whether or not it’s pine!!”

“Welcome Anthony,” an ominous voice called from the other side, “Come in to face my wrath… IF YOU CAN! Muahahaha!! Muahahahahaa!” There was a moment’s pause. “Ah what the hey, muahaha!!”
I ran anxiously up towards the door, if not to battle then to see what was so damn funny.

When I looked in that direction, I gasped in terror. There was in the corner a giant green dinosaur. It stretched up to the roof, standing there, a piercing glare aimed down at the doorway. Terrifying!! How come I hadn’t noticed it when I first entered, though? And why isn’t it like in my dreams, big, fluffy and with a goatee?

“Go Cubone,” I commanded, not waiting for a response, “Show that jolly green git what you’re made of! …And by that, I don’t mean get ripped in half and literally show him.”

“Oh no…” Gordon groaned, turning pale, “I don’t want Mimi to know I don’t have a Tyranitar…” He looked around frantically for a solution, but there didn’t seem to be one that didn’t involve a lot of glue. “Look kid, I’ll make a deal with ya. If you make it sound like we’re having the battle of the century, I’ll give you the Mightbuckle.” From out of his pocket, he pulled out the glorious object I had so clamoured. It was a brilliant star-shaped belt buckle.
“…Belt buckle?” I said in disbelief, “What about the badge? I want my badge, Mr. Gordon!!”
“Yeah, new league policy.” Gordon replied, peering at the buckle in his hand, “The league changed commissioners a little while ago, and the new guy concluded that all badges should be replaced with belt buckles.”
“…Was the new commissioner by any chance a belt buckle manufacturer?” I queried, and the response was a quick nod.

Oh no Cubone! Your arm is… gone! Now I can never win the award for Best Cubone With Two Arms.

[Powarun]

Hey dragoknight, long time no see, especially on my part. Dang its been a long time since I visited this forum. Actually I check it every other week, and it took me 5 months to remember my passwords for email and what not to get here.

This is a great fic, and rereading it really brought tears to my eyes. From either laughter or just revisiting memories. I really can't wait until you bring back some of the...(shuts mouth as a courtesy) because it really added (proceeds to duct tape mounth) to the fic.

After rereading, I really enjoyed how you took an already used plot of having Tony being late, not getting the Pokemon he wanted into something more original. Since you really already revised, I might as well provide feed back on your most recent chapter.

<quote>seeming not to believe my enthusiasm to get my Pokémon killed.</quote> That is just something you don't read every day. In almost any other fic I could imagine some sinical trainer saying this, really enjoying seeing their first batch of failed Metapod's being skewered by a fearsome skarmory But just imagining Tony, who is pretty welled defined in your fic so far, attaches the feeling that he is looking forward to sending his Pokemon on a mission to learn from, and almost his way of threatening them to listen to him, instead of him earning it through love and care, like in most cases.

Also as pathetic as you make Tony seem as a trainer, you really have to think at times, (or maybe when you have nothing better to do and are trying to come up with something, and you just happen to think about Mintythrill) his opponents seem to one up him in stupidity.

Also, wtf is up with Leaves not being able to growl properly, don't you think growling at a Gloom for hours would be of any help?

thanks for the reposting of this awesome fic.

[Drago]

Seeker_of_Truth: Thank you very muchly for your support! I just really, really wish that I hadn't followed up your request for more frequent chapters with a two month hiatus. I don't really have a good explanation, though now that uni's finishing up for the semester I should have a lot more time to get chapters up. I'm really sorry! I hope you haven't boycotted the Thrill now...
Sike Saner: Thanks! I'm quite glad that you highlight your favourite parts, it's neat for me to see what parts were good from the original '03 version, and what new parts I added in are getting the laughs.
Powarun: omg it's Powarun! Welcome back old bean, how have you been?? I too am looking forward to some of the future chapters, though they got kinda wild and wacky, there were some gems of jokes in there that I hadn't spotted until starting up this re-write. All going well, they'll surface before too long!

Now then, I come to you with an odd proposition. How 'bout I give you something all-new? Not just the next chapter, but an all-new, fresh 2007-written chapter? Oh yeah, thrilling!! Iffin it's not your bag baby that's alright, chapter seven shall be up before too long. I promise. Kinda.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Sixth
The Xtreme Christian Bros.

Wearily, I opened my eyes. It was midday now; I had made extra sure to come back to the Pokémon Centre and sleep for a while. It was the hobo thing to do. I got up despite an intense longing not to, and stretched wearily across the couch. Gazing down for a moment, Leaves and Cubone caught my eye, as they stood at my feet staring blankly at me.
“You watched me sleep for six hours?” I said with a yawn, “Golly, you two are weird.” I stepped outside, as I so often seemed to do, and took a good look around the snowy surroundings. Cubone whinged at me until I let him into his Pokéball, which I promptly did, pondering what the heck was in those things anyway. If the inside contained a hot spa or a harem, I was kicking myself now for being born a human.

So finally we could leave this god-forsaken Dezu City. Of course, first off I would have to make a quick stop at the Pokémart to pick up some free bonuses. I’ve seen the ads; people join the Pokémon League, win a few badges (or belt buckles in my questionable case), impress their friends, pick up a bonanza of cool free stuff and get all the women. Or maybe that was from eating the Pokémon Crunch cereal. Most likely it was the latter, but there was no harm in trying.
It didn’t take too long to find the Pokémart; I burst through the doors when I got there and shuddered slightly. Leaves trudged in behind me.
“Some weather we’re having, huh?” I chuckled in a friendly voice to the person behind the counter, who had her back to me. The response was an odd, frustrated screech.
“No, no, no, no!” she cried, whirling around to face me. It was an unpleasant facing, no doubt, when she revealed her identity.
“Dr. Simmonds?” I groaned, “What are you doing behind the counter?” I stepped up slightly, “THIEVING, perhaps?” I asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.
“No you clod!” Simmonds snapped, “I own this store!”
“Wow Dr. S, how many jobs do you have?” I asked in disbelief.
“More than you do!” she said sharply, “Now what do you want?”
“Uhh, I, well, umm…” I muttered ineloquently. I didn’t exactly know how to ask for all this free bounty I deserved, “I sorta wanted some trainer stuff for free… Unless I need, like, coupons or tokens or stuff, but I think we can work around that, I’ve got something veeeeery interesting that I’d like for you to see…”
Maybe I could give her some tokens I had gotten from my macaroni and cheese boxes? They had expired well over a decade ago, but maybe I’d at very least get the prize of two Transformers and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I threw my hand into my pocket and shifted things around. A ball of lint drifted lazily onto Leaves’ foot and he snapped at it hungrily.
“No,” I muttered, feeling about. My hand fell upon the Weedle horn, so I pulled it out. Success! The tokens had stuck onto it.
“Look at THIS!” I roared proudly, thrusting the horn towards Simmonds’ face. She instantly backed up in fear, letting out a gasp. Oh no! Don’t I have enough tokens?
She slid four Pokéballs and two Potion-containing beakers onto the counter. “T-t-take them!” she squeaked, trying to steady her shaking hand.
“Wow!” I muttered, surprised. I suppose my sheer skill at token collecting had intimidated her, “This should be enough. But if it isn’t you’ll see THIS again!” I stated, helpfully thrusting the horn back in her direction. I shifted it around a few times so she could take a good look at each token. I nodded triumphantly and marched back outside with Leaves beside me, coughing up lint.

Unbeknownst to me but soon to be knownst to you…
Dr. Simmonds threw her hands to her face, shaking madly and whimpering with tears in her eyes. “That acting stupid was all just an act,” she cried, “He really is crazy!” she gasped loudly as something clicked, “He must’ve been a part of the hotel robbery! Those soap balls must have been more important than we thought?” she reached down and snatched up a phone, quickly stabbing in a few numbers. “Hello, police?” she said slowly, trying to regain her composure, “I’d like to report a maniac on the loose. His name is Anthony. He’s fourteen, he wears a long orange coat and has a Bulbasaur with him. Please be very careful…

He’s armed and dangerous!!”
********************************
“LA LA LA!” I bellowed loudly, feeling a need to burst into song that was rewarded with a horrified look from Leaves. “Fine then,” I sighed, “You Bulb-is-sores sure are picky about music!”
I took in a deep breath of the crispy winter air, and it was only then that I noticed that a little blue critter had been following us, probably ever since we had left Dezu City. I stopped and contemplated it for a moment. It had big ears like a rabbit or something, but was spotted and kind of scaly. It was wearing a little red collar with bells on it, so I resisted the urge to try and catch it or hunt it for sport. A quick scan with the Pokédex revealed all;

Nidoran… the female variety… though small and unassuming… it is… covered in barbs and poisonous to the touch.

“Pfft,” I scoffed, “I’ll touch you all I like!” I scampered up and poked at the Nidoran a couple times, “Touch touch touch!” I smirked confidently and, sucking at my now-bloody finger, noted that under the Nidoran’s collar were a note and a small satchel. I grabbed the note and took a look.
Dear Tony,
My name is Jessica. I am the girl from Dezu City who you had brief words with during your battle at the Dezu City gym.
I gazed at the Nidoran apparently named Jessica in disbelief. She looked nothing like I remembered, wasn’t she blonde? Slightly more human-like? Did I need glasses or something?
Of course, by I, I am not referring to the Nidoran who is carrying this letter on my behalf.
“Oh.” I muttered, hoping that the letter hadn’t realised my mistake.
I recently got a call from my father, Professor Norman Gum, telling me that you were one of his students.
“Professor Gum? I thought I killed him…”
He asked me to send you this stone he had been studying, and see if you could figure out what it was for.
In the satchel I found the shiny, jagged grey rock. After throwing it a couple yards, I concluded that it was not a boomerang.
He wishes you all the best. Personally, I’m not fussed. ~ Jessica
PS. Don’t mind if the Nidoran follows you for a while. Her name is Lido.

“Well wasn’t that a fun digression from the plot?” I said in a bubbly tone, and then resumed walking, Leaves and Lido by my side.
It was some half-hour later that I concluded that walking through the snow in some random direction was not as much fun as advertised. I tried variations; skipping through the snow, hopping through the snow, running through the snow yelling indecipherable ramble, but nothing worked. I was just about ready to give up and begin cannibalising upon my Pokémon comrades, but something off in the distance caught my eye. Not too far off was a growing number of people gathered around, and what looked like a makeshift commentator box set up in a large tree.
Being a massive fan of congregations and not really wanting to eat my Pokémon (perhaps there were other, tastier Pokémon ahead?), I made haste towards the crowd.
Shoving through the throng as though I were in a hurry but in honesty because I just liked to shove, I eventually reached a clearing in the humanity, to see that everyone had gathered round three huge trampolines. There were three guys in their twenties with long, blonde hair who were bouncing atop the trampolines, shouting out at people standing around.
“Why doesn’t anyone else want to bounce?” I pondered aloud, clambering up atop the nearest trampoline. People around appeared surprised by my decision, hushed whispers gathering throughout the crowd. I bounced around nervously for a moment, before one of the blonde guys noticed me, and without wasting a minute, loudly declared, “We have a taker!!”
A cheer rose from the crowd and I began to panic. What had I gotten into this time? Did I just buy the trampolines? Or perhaps agree to marry the three blonde guys? One of my presumed suitors bounced up towards me, offering up his hand.
“Hey there pal,” he said in a calm tone, “Congrats on taking up the challenge for guest commentator for this year’s TrampXtreme Tournament!”
“Well congrats to you on…” I replied, “Umm, well… such a fine gathering of extreme… tramps. Or something.”
“I’m Christian,” he continued, seeming not to hear me, “Those are my bros, Christian and Christian. You can call me Chris-o, if you want. He usually goes by Chris-izzle, and him, he’s Chris-nitch. Or Lawrence III, if you prefer.”
“Chris-nitch is fine, thanks.” I said quietly. What kind of stupid name is Lawrence III??
“You’ll be joining us up in the commentator’s box up over there as we make the call for the tourney. There’s a fair few Pokés here, too, so it’d be much obliged if your little buds there could do some Pokécommentary.”
“Sounds like a lark,” I muttered, sending out Cubone so he could stand alongside Leaves and Lido. The Christian brothers led us up into the box, and while Chris-O made some declarations to the crowd before the tourney began, Chris-izzle explained the rules in gratuitous detail. Something to do with three battles at once, whoever knocks their opponent off fastest goes to the next round, final battle, trophies, emergency exits, whatever… I hadn’t really been paying attention.
“Let’s make some noise for our competitors!!” Chris-O shouted, and though I thought it a strange request, made some quacking noises all the same.

As the tournament progressed, I managed to mispronounce roughly ninety-six Pokémon names, which was impressive since there were only twenty-four competitors. I did take a moment occasionally to take note of how the Pokécommentary was progressing, and I had to say, Lido seemed to be a fantastic commentator. She was shouting all sorts of things with such excitement and conviction; she was like a Spanish soccer commentator. Leaves and Cubone shrunk back, intimidated by her impressive skills. Though in retrospect, perhaps it was what she was saying that was intimidating. Could have been demanding bloody sacrifices for all I knew.
It seemed hours before finally the winner had been decided; some mook with a mermaid-tailed cat thingy called Vaporbean or Vapoleon or Napoleon or something, and I breathed a sigh of relief that I could finally finish up with this gig. Now I knew why nobody wanted to offer themselves up to commentate.
“Congratulations to Vince and Venus, this year’s TXT champions!!” Chris-O declared, leaving me to ponder whether TXT was an abbreviation or Vince was very efficient at text messaging, “Now we reach the closing ceremonies, and everyone’s favourite event,” a cheer began to rise among the people, “Crush the guest commentator!”
“Woo!” I cheered, “I love that game!”
After a brief ponder I concluded that I in actual fact didn’t love that game, as the three Christian brothers leapt onto the trampolines, preparing to crush the hapless… me.
“This is just great,” I grumbled, “I did all that work just to be slapped around by three blonde men?”
“The rules are simple,” Chris-nitch called out toward me, “Your Pokés take on each of us at once; if you can knock all three of ours off, you win. If not, then you suck.”
“Ah, of course.” I muttered, “Wouldn’t want to suck now.” I peered down at my Pokémon. They weren’t too diverse, Cubone could use Fire Blast in a pinch and I had no idea what Lido could do, but I sure could have used a water Pokémon by now. Looking through my pockets for a solution, my hand fell upon a round item which I yanked out hastily. It was one of those damned soap balls I had nabbed, and though it represented a night I’d rather forget, it looked like it could come in handy. I quickly stuffed it into Leaves’ mouth and demanded he chew it thoroughly, before hopping down onto a trampoline and turning towards the crowd.
“Let’s make some noise for our beloved guest commentator!!” I shouted, and was met with a chorus of boo’s. I couldn’t argue with that, though. Boo was a noise.
“And his trio of delight,” I continued, “Let’s hear it for Lido!” Lido sprang from the commentary box with the agility of a flea, bounced into a flip and then posed by my side. “And, Leaves!” Leaves stumbled out of the tree looking pretty sick, and hobbled up beside me, “Leaves… the Bubblesaur!!” To display his newfound Bubble attack, Leaves opened up his mouth, and hacked out a couple of soap bubbles. Only one person clapped at this display, and there’s a chance that it was me. “And finally, Cubone!!” Cubone leapt out of the commentary box, bounced off of the trampoline with too much force and crashed into a nearby rock. It made a sickening thud and he wasn’t moving a whole lot. “…Cubone, everybody!”
After great effort, he climbed up onto the trampoline and slumped by my side. I hopped down onto the ground, landing on the feet of several spectators. In response to Cubone, Leaves and Lido, the Christian brothers sent out what the Pokédex identified as a Shuckle, Slowpoke and Sneasel, respectively.

I was pretty sleepy by this point and less interested by the battle than I was by the fact that each Pokémon they had sent out started with S, so plans weren’t exactly whirling through my head. The Christian bros began barking out orders which all seemed a blur to me while my Pokémon were looking at me, desperately awaiting commands.
“Alright, umm, let’s see…” I muttered, “Cubone, hit Shuckle with your bone and hurt him, and Leaves, hit Slowpoke with your claw and hurt him, and Lido, hit Sneasel with a fine, and hurt his feelings.” Surprise tactic! I was paying attention after all.
Lido sprang into action first, mostly by necessity as the Sneasel had taken a swipe at her and she had to leap out of the way, and then responded with a barrage of sharp little needles shot off of her back. It was a direct hit, and Sneasel backed up a little. Cubone had begun thumping at Shuckle with his bone as hard as he could, but it didn’t seem to be doing much good.
“Ha!” Chris-O chortled, “That won’t pierce through Shuckle’s awesome defence!”
“Hitting him doesn’t work!” I commanded, running out of ideas, “…Hit harder!” Directing my attention towards Leaves, I saw that he had passed out on the middle trampoline, wheezing out bubbles which seemed to be delighting the Slowpoke opponent.
“Sneasel, Ice Punch now!” said Chris-nitch, and without a moment’s pause Sneasel raised a glowing white fist. Lido dodged the downward swing easily, but the Sneasel had a devious grin on its face as its fist connected with the trampoline. To Lido’s horror and my general disinterest, the entire third trampoline turned to ice. Having no trouble on this surface, the Sneasel skated towards Lido and planted a foot right down on her. Squirming and writhing underneath, Lido was powerless to avoid a cruel onslaught of slashes from Sneasel’s sharp claws.
“Crap, losing one battle…” I said with a gulp, “Cubone vs. Shuckle, not going so great either. An unconscious Leaves vs. an amused Slowpoke… ehh, fairly even there so far. Righto, let’s try something new. Cubone! Start moving around in there, and use Bonemerang! …Sideways!” Cubone obeyed this curious request and began bouncing around. The bemused Shuckle began bouncing too involuntarily, as Cubone flung his bone off to the right. It crashed right into the side of Sneasel, who skidded across the icy trampoline upon impact. Lido sprung up despite her wounds, and grabbed the bone in her mouth.
“Boo yeah!” I shouted, “Now Lido, use Bone Club! And Cubone! Use Bone…” I stopped dead as my now Cuboneless looked at me with a look of sorrow more appropriate for his species. “Wow, what in the heck can you do without a bone? That’s like your thing… Sorry buddy. Do you reckon you could… umm…” Tragically, whatever else Cuboneless could do without his prized weapon escaped me at the moment, and Chris-O chose to go on the offensive now.
“Alright then, let’s Headbutt this sucker!” he shouted.
“Try and keep your fight over on your trampoline, would ya?” Chris-nitch snapped, annoyed that his Sneasel had been hit.
“Quit whining and finish that thing off!” Chris-O muttered back, “And what in the hell are you doing, Chris-izzle?”
“Dude, look at Slowpoke!” Chris-izzle said with a grin, watching Slowpoke play with the bubbles, “He loves it!”

With Cubone bouncing around trying to throw Shuckle from the trampoline, the turtle-looking bug thing began shooting its head out at him, trying to connect and stop him in his tracks. Meanwhile Lido had begun swinging the bone about, trying to give Sneasel an almighty wallop. I could see that my Pokémon were getting tired, and by this point I hadn’t even scored a single KO. I needed to think fast.
“Leaves!” I shouted, a command in his direction quite surprising to the crowd, “Use Megaforce!!” Everyone watched on with interest, waiting to see what exactly the Bulb-is-sore would do, I used this brief distraction as an opportunity to kick out one of the legs from the middle trampoline, causing it to tip over and both Leaves and Slowpoke to roll off onto the grass, knocking them both out of the contest.
“Argh!” Chris-izzle wailed in annoyance, “I hate it when people use Megaforce!!”
“Haha!” I roared in triumph, “Flawless victory!!”
“Good hit!” Chris-O suddenly shouted, and to my chagrin I watched as Shuckle hit Cubone with a successful Headbutt, causing him to fly back and land out among the crowd.
“Aww come on,” I whined, “Can’t you just let me win like good Christians?”
“No can do, bro!” Chris-O chuckled, and looked over at the ice-covered trampoline. Lido was holding Sneasel off with the bone, but it looked like she couldn’t hold on much longer.
“Let’s finish that off,” Chris-O instructed Shuckle and, using its freaky-long neck, it stretched out a Headbutt that connected with Lido from the other trampoline, smacking her off and sending her into the grass. The crowd erupted in the cheer they had been waiting so long to let out, and the Christian brothers posed in triumphant glory. “Sucks to be you, bro!” one of them snorted, and by this point I couldn’t help but agree. It did suck a fair bit to be me right now.
I took this opportunity to shuffle off in shame and continue on my not-so-merry way towards the next city, delivering a swift kick to Leaves to wake him up and make sure he followed.

After we had gone far enough, I looked down at my collection of Pokémon. They weren’t too badly hurt, though Lido had been cut in a couple places.
“Guess it’s best you head on home, little gaffer,” I said with a sigh, and she nodded in response. I gave her one last friendly pat, then waved goodbye as she scampered off back towards Dezu City. Of course, my hand was bleeding and covered in sharp little quills, but it was a sweet little moment all the same.
Cubone clutched at his bone tightly, likely never intending to let it go ever again, and Leaves looked at me with a furious glare.
“Well, I guess we might as well keep on going, fellas.” I muttered, “And hey Leaves, sorry ‘bout that whole soap ball thing.” His response was to hawk up the remainder of the ball and spit it out at me, hitting me in the nose.
“Yeah I love you too, you ungrateful git!” I snapped, rubbing my nose and storming off.

Kyle
********************
I shifted the Pokéballs on my belt as I stepped out of the police station. I noted with a bit of amusement that my pale police uniform seemed to complement the dull building walls, then tried to weigh the situation I was in now. It was beyond comprehension that they would assign a fourteen-year old rookie officer like myself off alone to confront a madman, but they were pretty clear about why. Shortage of men, no other officers as proficient with Pokémon as myself, that kind of thing. Besides, they had made a lot of crazy decisions in law enforcement lately, prime example being fourteen-year olds on the force to begin with. They had their reasons; the prime minister of Furudo had overseen that little decision.
Wasn’t my concern now, I had an assignment to take care of. I glanced over the description one more time. Bulbasaur, orange coat, fourteen, Anthony. Didn’t get a surname, but I had enough info. I checked that all my equipment was on me, and began to trudge through the snow towards Kurabusu City.
“Be prepared, Anthony,” I muttered, “Kyle Riddells is on the job…”

[Mew Trainer Rose]

XD That was great. I wonder how pokemon battles on trampolines would go. The heavier kinds of pokemon would probably make the whole trampoline sink. Imagine a Steelix battling on a trampoline; the whole surface would sink right to the ground, leaving the other pokemon to scramble around on an inverted cone....I wanna see that now.

[Drago]

Mew Trainer Rose: Whee! You're back!! *Glomps Mew Trainer Rose* ...what the heck is a glomp, anyway? Thought I'd try it 'coz it seems like the in thing to do. Anyhoosers, I too love that image of a Steelix at the bottom of a sunken trampoline with hapless little Sentret and the like tumbling on in... kinda reminds me of an ant lion. Heh.

So no point in dawdling around, huh? Might as well go right along with the next chapter, a little on the short side, but a lot of fun anyway, I reckon.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Seventh
Chus Your Anime Expression

“I,”
“Saur.”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Saur.”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Saur.”
“A blimp!”
I chuckled uncontrollably for a while over this exchange between Leaves and myself which had been going for about half an hour. Leaves hadn’t found it amusing right from the beginning, and his less than enthused ‘saur’s were starting to sour the joke. Regardless, I saw fit to continue, despite him.
“I,”
“Saur.”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Saur…”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Gurrrrg…”
“What?” I snapped, glancing over at Leaves, “At no point did I gurg a blimp!!” The noise surfaced again, and I then noted that it was actually coming from Leaves’ stomach. He had been handling the cold pretty well, but it now seemed that he had a hankering for some sustenance.
“You know what,” I muttered, “I’ve never fed you before. That’s neat.” Leaves looked up at me spitefully. He didn’t seem to find the comic value in that fact, nor share my fascination. I went through my pockets, not coming up with much for him to chow down on, until I came across a Potion in my coat pocket. I pulled it out and considered it for a moment.
“Well,” I muttered, observing it closely, “You guys do seem to like drinking this stuff… and why not, it recovers poison after all…” Leaves shook his head and sighed, “So what the hey, bottoms up!” I shrugged, before taking a swig from the bottle. Leaves stared at me in disbelief, and I responded with a wide smile, purple goo oozing down my mouth. “I feel twenty times healthier!!” I garbled out through my mouthful, spitting drips of Potion all over the place. I nodded with approval, swishing it about in my mouth like a fine wine, then caught sight of a Pokémon observing us from a nearby tree stump. …And not just any Pokémon… but a PIKACHU!!
My eyes practically jumped out of my head as my mind raced. I had just found the most popular (and therefore best) Pokémon in the world! Everyone sought after a Pikachu; it was voted the best Pokémon by a landslide everywhere from Teen Poké Fan Magazine to mrpoll.com! We were set for life! I mean, the cartoons proved that this thing could even Thunderbolt a Geomood, and if there were a Meouch around, Pikachu would fry it! My heart was pounding now, I had to yell out my discovery to the world.
“PIKACHU!!” I bellowed, launching a purple waterfall of Potion from my mouth and soaking the small mouse.
“Pikaaa…” it whined, wet and cold. Granted, it looked healthier, but not happier. “Chaaaa!” it squealed, its cheeks crackling with electricity.
“Oh no,” I gasped, “It’s gonna attack! What am I gonna do? Who can withstand its wrath? Certainly not Cubone…”
A bright light flashed from Pikachu’s cheeks and a bolt of lightning shot up into the sky. It connected with a cloud from up above, creating another fantastic flash, then changed direction and headed right for me. In this brief moment before impact, I found myself questioning the tactics of the villains represented in cartoons who, in this exact same position, would say some dopey rhyme about how they’re doomed, or scream like someone had dropped a piano on their toes. I, on the other hand, had no intention of performing either act.
I figured it was safer under cover, so I grabbed the first bit of cover I could find and flung it in the path of the thunderbolt above my head. Alas, that cover was Leaves, who bellowed loudly as he was being shocked. It’s a good thing I didn’t know what he was saying; it most likely would have hurt my virgin ears.
Afterwards, he landed in my arms charred and blackened, sort of like when he had been hit with Fire Blast.
“How you feeling, Leaves?” I asked in a meek voice.
“Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaurr…” was the response.
“Really?” I gasped, “Where are you sore? Anterior cruciate ligament?”
“Pika!” Pikachu shouted. I dropped Leaves safely onto the hard ground and readied myself. In retrospect, I’m not quite sure how I intended to ‘ready myself’ against an electric bolt, perhaps I hoped to catch it and wrestle it to the ground or something. Regardless, Pikachu wasted no time in sending off a second bolt. I didn’t really have anymore cover, so I instead took off my shoes, for I didn’t want them to get ruined. I was pretty happy with that decision.

The bolt hit me dead on and the next few moments of my life were of inexplicable horror. My entire body felt alive with the rush, the pain came down everywhere in an instant. My vision blurred, causing me to spasm and twitch and jerk and flail amidst blood-curdling screams. Finally, it ended and I fell to the ground, wailing. “OH MY GOD! THE PAIN! I’VE NEVER FELT SO MUCH PAIN! THE UNENDING HORROR, THE-” I stopped abruptly mid-sentence, when I realised I wasn’t doing it right. I had never seen someone react to being electrocuted that way… I sucked up the saliva that had been streaming from my mouth, and teetered to the ground, anime-style. I instantly turned a charred black and laid there for a moment.
“Wow!” I cried, “That’s amazing!” I shot back up to my feet, inexplicably losing my black hue, “I didn’t know I could do that, what other amusing actions can I commit?? I know, I know… someone said something really obvious!” I reacted in kind, instantly lying down as though I had fallen incredibly fast, anime style. “Woow!” I bubbled, leaping back up, “Ooh, I gotta try this one; I’m bemused and slightly uncomfortable!” A large sweatdrop appeared on my forehead, anime-style. I leapt up and down with glee at this amazing display, “It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to!” My mouth contorted into a beak shape and I breathed out a small mushroom cloud, anime-style. It even came with a sound effect!
Pikachu had been watching on the whole time, trying to comprehend exactly what I was on.
“What?” I whined, “I’ve never done this before! It’s sooo much fun!!”

Pikachu furrowed its brow, and then screeched loudly. I covered my ears, as Leaves cringed. After a short pause, a second Pikachu popped out from a knothole in a tree. A Pichu followed, surfacing from a pile of snow. And a third Pikachu. And a Richu. And a Pikachu. And a Richu. …And another Richu. The collection of electric mice eyed Leaves and I sinisterly, their cheeks crackling with energy.
“Aww Hölle…” I squeaked, looking around frantically. We had to get out of there! …but first… My eyes became wide as dinner plates and gushes of tears flew from them, my mouth filling up the rest of my chin and a stripy red background flying by behind me… anime-style. Couldn’t resist. I just had to.

Leaves and I started to run for all we were worth off the side of the route through a collection of trees. We crossed over a few dying bushes and rocks, the ‘chus quick to follow.
“Pokédex!” I shouted, still running as I pulled out the black pocket-filler, “What’s faster, a Bulb-is-sore or a Richu?” There was a pause before the response.

Pokédex does not recognise… Rich U. If you meant… Rhydon… press one now. If you meant… Raticate… press two now. If you meant… a wealthy vowel… please wait for further instructions…

I sighed in annoyance and crammed it back in my pocket. While my hand was in there, I came across the four Pokéballs.
“A-ha!” I grinned, stopping in my tracks. Leaves slowed down a little, shouting as though wondering why I was so hell-bent on killing us both. “Never fear, Leaves! Tony the Terrible is about to make his first catch!” I looked over at the opposing side. More ‘chus had joined the chase, totalling twelve Pikachus, five Pichus and thirteen Richus. “Uhh…” I muttered, “Which should I start with?”
“Stop!” one of the Richus said in a buzzing electronic voice. I looked at it, confused, before noticing a small device on a collar it was wearing. A translating device, I’d wager. I came to this conclusion when I realised it translated. …And it was a device.
“Stop running and let us do what we have to do!” it continued. The other ‘chus were grinning fiendishly as it spoke.
“No way!” I cried, “I’m not gonna let you do it!” Giving me an angry glare, the Richu motioned for a couple of its comrades to step up. It hopped onto another Richu’s shoulders and it, in turn, jumped onto the shoulders of another Richu. Looking like some bizarre orange totem pole, the Richu tower walked up to get in my face, roughly at my height. “How do you think you’re gonna get away?” the leader snarled.
I gulped, trying to come up with an idea. Time to use the best tactic I’ve got… My mouth went into a beak shape, and I breathed a mushroom cloud into its face. The Richu tower collapsed, befuddled, and I tore off. Leaves followed suit, making sure to poke his tongue out at them first.
“Go! Go!” the Richu cried, “Get them! We can’t let them get away!”

My legs were feeling heavy after all this running and my heart felt like it would explode (though perhaps that had more to do with the fact that I had been electrocuted).
“Leaves!” I panted, gasping for air, “I don’t know how much longer I can run!” I reached into my pocket and pulled out Cubone’s Pokéball. He shot out in a blast of white light and, targeting his opponents, snarled at the opposing mice. The lead Richu stopped and fiddled with its translating device. There was a static sound, before the Nolans’ I’m in the Mood for Dancing began to play.
“I’m in the mood for dancing, romancing, oooh I’m giving it all tonight… I’m in the mood for chancing, I feel like dancing, oooh so come on and hold me tight!”
Cubone didn’t resist in the slightest. He started shaking his Poké-booty and bopping around, dancing like he shan’t ever stop tonight. I groaned and returned him to his Pokéball, defeated. He had just proven that I couldn’t rely on him when I really needed him, or at very least aroused suspicions that he was kinda gay.
“Alright, alright!” I whimpered, falling into the snow, “I can’t run anymore… Do your dastardly deed…”
With a victorious, smug smirk crossing his face, the lead Richu marched up to me. I threw my hands to my face in a last show of defence, while Leaves covered his eyes. The Richu dug into the snow and, after a moment’s searching, found his tools of doom…
“A Santa Claus hat and a conductor’s stick?” I muttered, confused. The other ‘chus also pawed through the snow, each grabbing a sheet of paper and an elf hat. The head Richu turned to its cronies, tapped its stick against its paw a few times, and then flailed it around.
“Chu chu chu, chu chu chu, chu chu chu, chu chu!” the ‘chus belted out to the tune of Jingle Bells, although it sounded more like a bad train imitation, “Chu chu chu chu chu chu chuuuuuuuuuuuuu…” they finished, and then leapt back into the snow piles from whence they came. The head Richu turned toward me and bowed. “Happy holidays, mate.” It said finally, and then hopped back into the snow itself.
Leaves and I sat there blankly for what seemed like a very long time. “…Carollers are early this year.” I eventually muttered.

[Drago]

Minty Thrill with weekly updates?? What, never?? No, never!!
Well actually, now-ish, rather. Tee-hee. As much as I wanted to I didn't find myself tinkering too much with this chapter... it's fairly unadulterated, no matter how much I seek to adulterate!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Eighth
Flippin’ the Bird

Snow. White, wet, weary… and damned cold!! Every step I took seemed to be against me ever getting to Kurasable… Kuranassee… wherever I was going. Leaves and Cubone struggled alongside me through the harsh weather. Why did I bother sending Cubone out? I dunno. For a cheap laugh, probably.
“Think this road is much longer?” I yelled over the whistling wind.
“Saaaaaaur!” Leaves shouted. A surprising response, truly.
I strained my eyes to see further through the white fury. From where I was, I could just barely make out what looked like a house.
“What luck!” I grinned, “A place for me to burst into uninvited and get such hospitality you would’ve thought I had just saved their baby from being eaten by a wild mongoose!” Leaves and Cubone gazed up at me, bemused. “…I watch a lot of TV!” I muttered, as I stood in front of the door. It was a relatively large log cabin, with a window on the front wall, as well as one on the door.

I pressed my face against the window, trying to get a good look through the frost that had developed. Inside there was a blazing fire, a few couches and a Christmas tree. It looked pretty inviting, particularly compared to the snowstorm outside. I then spotted a figure moving from the tree to one of the couches; there was definitely someone in there. Ready to accept their kindness, I pulled my face away from the window, but stopped short before I got far. For one reason or another, my tongue was stuck firmly against the window and it wasn’t coming loose. It was beyond me when I had poked it out in the first place, it had a mind of its own.
“Unnnnnnngh!!” I bellowed, waving my arms around. Dutifully, Cubone leapt onto my shoulder and began trying to pry my head away from the window.
“Muuuh! Muuuh! Muuuuuuuuuuuh!” I groaned, each tug seeming to make my tongue grow two inches longer. This certainly wasn’t good; I intended to have a tongue by the end of this journey. It was on my list of priorities!
Leaves sighed, and slammed his head against the door, annoyed. From inside, I could see the figure getting up from their chair and walking towards the door. With no intent of being a part of this mess, Leaves quickly dived into a nearby bank of snow, no doubt crashing into an annoyed ‘chu caroller.

An old, bald man with glasses opened the door, peered at me for a moment and tried to piece together the site before him. “What are you doing?” he put forth the question quickly; the answer would’ve been clear had the house been of gingerbread, but alas, t’was not to be.
“I’m needing your help now!” I tried to respond, but with my tongue stuck onto the window it sounded more like, ‘I eeda our iwow!’
“You’re eating my window?!” the man gasped, somewhat impressed, “Boy, you kids sure are hungry these days…”
“Oh please, get me off it!” I wailed, unfortunately ending up with, ‘Ohpe, eh ‘e o’ i’!’
The old man tried to put together this jumble of vowels in his mind. “…Open and… cough quick?” he said, paused again and then shrugged, “Whatever you say kid.”
He slammed the door shut and walked into the cabin. My presumed request of ‘open and cough quick’ sure was an odd one, how exactly had he interpreted it? The man reappeared and grabbed the latch on the inside of the window, and my eyes widened with horror when I realised what his intentions were. With what I’m sure was a malevolent grin he coughed loudly, drowning out my cries for him not to open the window. He twisted the latch and flung open the window with the speed of a rocket.
********************************
Shivering and addressing everything around me with a hateful glance, I sat in the favourite, overstuffed armchair of Hank, the old man. I had a towel over my shoulders and my feet were in a bucket of hot water.
There was a throbbing pain in my tongue, or what was left of it, and I turned my spiteful glare towards Leaves and Cubone, who were happily lazing about on beanbags Hank had pulled out of a closet.
“My, my, my!” Hank chuckled, feeling my forehead as though that would indicate how much damage had been done to my tongue, “Can’t tell ya how sorry I am, kiddo!” In my current lack of tongue, I couldn’t tell him my name, my condition, or just how much I’d like to pop him one in the face. He went back into the kitchen and I tried to peacefully meditate for a moment, hoping that it would result in tongue replenishment.

My silence was cut short when Cubone suddenly shouted at me, waving his arms up and down. It was never to hard to figure out what he wanted, and I pulled the walkman from my pocket. I threw it over to him and he hugged it merrily for a couple seconds. After that special moment of reunion, Cubone began to fiddle with a couple buttons he had never touched before. I noticed he had particular fondness for the volume dial, and had turned it all the way up to full blast.
I don’t think the headphones will be able to handle that much sound… I pondered for a moment, but it would’ve been pointless trying to warn him. He put the headphones onto where I assumed his ears were, and, beaming, turned it on. I was correct in my assumption; Cubone got an earful of a terrible screeching sound that was loud enough to fill the room. He flung it onto the floor and fell back off the beanbag.
Leaves thought it was pretty funny, but Hank suddenly came running out with a rifle in hand. “They’re here!” he bellowed, aiming his gun nervously across the room.
What was the meaning of this? Was Hank really against hip new music? Did he expect to find a band of hopeful musicians lurking about the recesses of his cabin for him to blast to bits? That would’ve been a very excellent source of entertainment, but it was still troubling.
“What’re you doing?!” I shouted, but of course, ended up with, ‘Aha oo ooig?’
“What’s that?” Hank cried, turning towards me and inadvertently pointing the gun right in my face, “Do you see ‘em?”
I shook my head furiously, pointing desperately at the offending walkman on the floor.
“They’re in the floor, is they?” Hank roared, pointing his rifle at the floorboards and unloading a couple shots as though he were a very upset exterminator, “DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!”
“It’s the walkman, you freak!” I snapped and, as luck would have it, it came across fairly clearly, though I suspect Hank thought I called him ‘feet’. Relieved, he dropped the gun to the floor. It fired as it landed, just barely whizzing past Cubone. Had it hit, it would’ve proved a very cheap alternative to a certain kind of surgery.

“Phew…” Hank sighed, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead, “Thought they were back.”
“Who?” I asked curiously, not at all concerned that Cubone and Leaves looked rather traumatised in the corner.
“Those dadgern Natu,” Hank said angrily, “They’ve been goin’ around everywhere and causin’ all sorts of trouble! They stole my scarecrow, as well as Reverend Areless’ toupee!”
I nodded. Didn’t surprise me much that a guy called Reverend Hairless would need a toupee.
“It’s too bad,” Hank continued, “Areless just bought that toupee, too. It was about that time that all them Natu started going off their rockers. I woulda thought he’d have been able to handle ‘em, he used to make all sorts of devices for psychic Pokémon back in the day, but he’s been completely stumped by this.”
“He made devices for psychic Pokémon?” I repeated, interested, “Did he make any stuff for grass or ground-types?”
“Nah,” Hank muttered, “We only had three specialists, one of them was for fire and the other for rock-types.”
“What happened to them?” I asked.
“The fire guy just kinda lit stuff on fire and the rock guy… well he looked at rocks. We figured it wasn’t really helping anyone.” Hank replied, then recalled something else, “Oh we had a water specialist, too, but we try not to think about him.”
“Why?” I queried.
“The drinks he had been giving out to travellers… weren’t quite water.” Hank said sourly, and before I could figure out what that meant, there was a loud pelt of hail against the window that caught our attention. “Anyway, I reckon you oughta stay here for the night.” He continued, “Tomorrow you can come to the Kura-Dezu award presentation. It’s where all the community service fellers come and get a certificate for cleanin’ up this route. It’s a short walk from here, between Dezu City and Kurabusu.”

We had a dinner with Hank that night that could be described either as ‘conservative’ or ‘really friggin’ small’, depending how you looked at it. He didn’t have a whole lot to offer, so it was slim pickin’s. Though somehow Leaves managed to trick Hank into thinking he had a tiny amount, so the Bulb-is-sore ended up with twice as much. Cubone actually went the extra step and stuffed everything he could see into his skull helmet for safekeeping. That included several forks and a lit candle, with Cubone subsequently dashing about the table billowing fire. A fun time had by all.
Afterwards I went over some figures that were slightly depressing. “Now then Leaves, you might recall that we were on this quest to find a Mintythrill, right?” Leaves nodded. “And so far we’ve found a grand total of zero, I do believe.” Leaves nodded. “Which would make our success rate 0%.” Leaves nodded. “…Dammit I’m such a failure.” Leaves nodded, enthusiastically.

I had trouble sleeping as well, trying to figure out how it had been so many days on this Pokémon quest and I still hadn’t caught those ultra-rare legendary Moo and Celery Pokémon the Pokédex had told me about.
That, and around about midnight a flock of Natu attacked the house, the leader assaulting us with Revered Hairless’ mangled toupee. Hank only just managed to fight them off as I laid under the bed, a shivering mess.
…Mostly, it was Moo and Celery that were getting to me, though.

When morning arrived the weather had settled and it wasn’t too hard to walk to the community centre for the awards. We got there before most other people, and Leaves, Cubone and I were hovering over the offered food the moment we arrived, snarling at clawing at anyone else who tried to get some. I was in charge of the clawing.
“Wow,” I bubbled, looking into a big bowl of punch, “Look at this, guys!” Leaves hopped up onto the table and admired his reflection for a moment. Cubone followed and leant over to get a good look. As he did, pieces of food from last night’s meal fell out from his helmet and landed in the punch with a splash.

I yanked Cubone away as the hostess, Mrs. Beldemore, walked over.
“It’s so nice to have you all here!” she said in a loud voice as she placed a big wet kiss on my cheek, “Your darling Pokémon are sure to attract quite a few people for this get together!”
She seemed like the kind of woman who overdid things. She was dressed up like she was having a party for a friend, or a funeral. Or a friend’s funeral, for that matter.
“It’s always such a delightful treat to have such fine honest youths like yourself here to join us!” she continued, scooping some punch into her glass. I smiled weakly, then noticed that there was a chunk of cherry pie floating in her glass.
“Mrs. Beltymore,” I gasped, “Your glass has cherry p-”
She laughed loudly before I could finish, “No, no, dear. Not cherry punch, it’s raspberry!” She swigged it down in a single gulp, pie and all, much to my disgust and Leaves’ entertainment.

“They’re here!” Hank shouted from outside, and I dropped the sausage roll I had been eating.
“Another Natu invasion?!” I squealed, “Oh no!” I leapt behind the table, kicking a plate of sandwiches over on my way down. Hank walked in, confused, with a group of community workers and their families behind him. I poked my head up, blushing and trying to think up an explanation. I picked up a squished slice of sandwich.
“Appetizer, anyone?” I said sheepishly.

The presentation went on with the various groups being called out, their leaders making a speech about what they did and what they learned from it, followed by their supervisors saying how they performed, how we could help and probably what he ate last Tuesday, for all I cared.
Afterwards the grand Reverend Hairless walked up, grinning widely. His bald head shone against the bright lighting and I had to shield my eyes. I felt like it was giving me a tan.
“It is with great pleasure that I see you all here today. I know that you all put so much work into the cleaning and renovations you made…” he paused for a moment, a twitch in his eye, “Like the… gift shop you added to my church.” He added, spitefully.
I chuckled slightly. Novel idea, that. You could buy a Jesus jug.
“And I know, that you will all walk home, feeling like you have really done something. I’m sure your parents will take you home and say-”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Everyone around me got up from their chairs and ran for the exits, screaming.
“…Wow.” I muttered, “Mr. Michaels never said that to me!” At that, a massive flock of Natu swarmed into the room like a big green plague. They started swooping on everything in the room they spotted, snatching up certificates, hats, and food.
I ducked under my chair and looked around frantically for Leaves and Cubone. Leaves was fighting off all the Natu who threatened the food, flinging them about and spiking a couple of them into the punch bowl. Nearby I could see Cubone, who was surrounded by several Natu. They swarmed about him and then began to lift him off the ground.
“Cubone!” I gasped and ran to his aid.
“Tuuuuuu…” the Natu holding him droned, their eyes glowing a neon blue. I unwillingly stopped in my tracks, and was thrown back against a table by some weird force.
“Damn!” I snapped and got back up. I charged in their direction again, only to receive the same result, though perhaps with an added foot fracture for good measure. I sat up slowly and Leaves ran up to my side.
“It’s no good,” I said, with a hint of pain in my voice, “We can’t beat them when they’re in big numbers like that. Where’s the leader at?” I looked about the mass of Natu until I spotted the leader, at the head of a flock of three. Hank had used up all his bullets, missing every single Natu (though he did manage to blast off a door, shatter three crystal glasses and get a perfect bull’s-eye on a target that was there for no apparent reason), so he angrily resorted to throwing his rifle in the leader’s direction. It picked up speed to avoid it, though its two wingmen were hit dead-on.

“Righto, scoundrel!” I announced to the winged fiend in my most chivalrous tone, scooping the bemused Leaves from the floor, “Have at you!” I flung the Bulba-bomb towards Natu, and it was a direct hit. Both of them tumbled to the floor, though Leaves was able to land on his feet, shooting me a hateful glare; he wasn’t very pleased with being ammunition. The Natu crashed into a wall and Reverend Hairless’ toupee finally fell from its claws. As it did, a tiny little computer chip was knocked loose.
“What the?” I muttered, “Electronic lice?” Before I could get a better look, the Natu quickly picked it up in its beak and swallowed it without another thought.

As soon as it did, the other Natu made a sudden halt to their assault. Some of them landed, while others fluttered about, befuddled. They all dropped whatever they had been holding at the time, and Cubone fortunately made a safe landing in the punch bowl. After a couple moments’ hesitation, they gradually flew out through the doorway and into the open.
“No, no, nooooooo!” Reverend Hairless bellowed, emerging from his hiding place, “Stop, you stupid things!” He tried to stop them as they exited, but was merely knocked aside by the unwavering flock.
“They’re all gone.” I said with a sigh, “I guess that means they’re all back to normal?
“Not all of ‘em, watch out!” Hank shouted, pointing towards the leader. After it had eaten the chip, it seemed to be put in a confused rage. It flew around the room, disoriented, and I just barely ducked under a lunge or two.
“Leaves, it’s a flying-type!” I shouted, stating the obvious, “So it’s no good using any grass attacks.” I stood there for a moment when I realised that Leaves didn’t seem to know a single grass attack to begin with. No need to worry, then.
The Natu pulled a u-turn and made another mad dive. I jumped out of its way at the last moment, as it zeroed in on Leaves.
“Jump outta the way!!” I shouted, and Leaves did just that. Alas, Leaves was about as athletic as a sock full of rice, and his jump wasn’t enough to clear the Natu. Instead, he ended up landing right atop the bird, and the two skidded across the floor for a moment before it managed to get airborne again, carrying Leaves along. The two whizzed about the room with the grace and stunning resemblance of a fat man riding a deflating balloon, crashing into walls every which way.
“This isn’t good…” I gulped, “Leaves wants to get off the ride!”
“Bone!” Cubone shouted, and I looked over in his direction. He had been rummaging through the food and had managed to find a foot-long sub, covered in sesame seeds.
“Good work, Cubone!” I cheered. He flung it to me and I took a big bite, trying to come up with a way to help Leaves, “Sandwiches help me think…”
Cubone responded with several annoyed shouts before I figured out his intention, and spat out the sub. “Oops…” I chuckled, counting the amount of sesame seeds that were left in the half-eaten blob of sandwich. I took careful aim, then chucked it up in Leaves direction. Much to his discontent, it landed right in his open gob. He chewed at it for a moment, and then began firing seeds at the Natu’s head. They ricocheted off the surprisingly resilient bird’s head, and it began to slow down wearily.
“…Saaaaur!” Leaves cried, leaping from the Natu’s back into the punch bowl. The Natu groaned, whirring about aimlessly. I reached into my pocket and yanked out a Pokéball, the remaining spectators cheering me on. This was great! I was gonna be a hero!
“Pokébob!” I shouted loud enough for everyone to hear me. I groaned when I realised what I had just said, and a large sweatdrop appeared on my head. “BALL! PokéBALL! Goooooo!!” I flung the ball with all my might, and it collided with Natu, sucking it in with a fantastic flash. The ball fell to the floor and the button shone an evil-looking red. It wiggled around, and I stood completely still, watching it cautiously.

After several minutes, it was still wiggling. I twitched, uncomfortably regretting my decision of dramatically standing still. I have to go to the toilet… Come on, seriously hurry up…
Finally the light faded and the ball stopped moving.
“Woo-hoo!” I shouted, dancing around the room, “I got a Natu!” Reverend Hairless had just started regaining consciousness, and I leapt atop his chest. “And yooooooooou don’t!”
********************************
Hank put a hand on my shoulder, his eyes gleaming with pride.
“Well kid, you saved the day!” he declared, “Seems that little chip in the toupee was some kinda mind-boggling chip Areless must’ve developed that made psychic Pokémon go wild. In Natu’s case, it made ‘em wanna pick up and take anything they could grab!”
I eyed Hank wearily. Who was he, the narrator?
Mrs. Beldemore added, “When your Natu ate the chip, it must’ve cut off the signal to all of the others. Though I suppose it would make the one you have something of a kleptomaniac?”
“Whatever,” I said with a shrug, “I’ll just call him Klepto the maniac.”
Hank sighed and walked up to the reverend, who was tied up and ranting fanatically. “Why’d you do it, Reverend Areless?” he asked in a disappointed tone.
“Because you morons ruined my beloved church!” Revered Hairless said with a mournful cry, “It was a thing of beauty, and what did you do? You put in a gift shop!! God does not commercialise! His word does not need to be advertised!”
I bit my tongue for a moment. Weren’t Jehovah’s witnesses advertising? Or did they actually witness something they weren’t telling us? Isn’t that a crime? What is a Jehovah anyway?
“The Natu would’ve destroyed everything,” Hairless continued, “The gift shop, all of your filthy homes, Count Larry’s Steakhouse Bonanza…” What?? “And the only thing left would’ve been the house of the Lord, protected by God’s will… and yeah, a whole crapload of super repel, I couldn’t take any chances.”
I took in a deep, happy breath. I sure was a great mystery solver! Now all that was left was for Hairless to say that familiar catchy phrase that was always the best reward…
“And I would’ve gotten away with it, too…” he muttered spitefully, “If it hadn’t been for this STUPID MORON!”
“Damn straight!” I cheered, “…Hang on, wait a minute…”
“Well kiddo,” Hank cut me off, “It’s not too much further to Kurabusu City from here. Should take about half an hour’s walk from here. Good luck! …And have a certificate for such good community service!”
And so, with a new member on my team and a tattered, ruined certificate of achievement in-hand, I continued on the road to Kurabusu.

Kyle
********************
“Riddells to dispatch,” I said calmly into my intercom, “Have searched Kurabusu City thoroughly…” I paused as I considered the amount of stuff I had smashed and people I had beaten in the process, “VERY thoroughly, and have not yet found the suspect. Over.” I scratched my head for a moment as I tried to figure out why he wasn’t here; only a complete and utter moron wouldn’t have made it this far on-foot. We weren’t dealing with a complete and utter moron.
“Considering more thorough infiltration of the nearby buildings and-” Then it hit me, and I cursed myself for not realising this earlier, “Suspect has likely already been through Kurabusu City and is en route to Attiles City, requesting rendezvous in Attiles as soon as possible. Over.”
I looked off towards Attiles City, just barely visible in the distance. This Anthony character wasn’t going to get the last laugh; nobody outsmarted Kyle Riddells, no matter how brilliant they were!
I awaited a response from dispatch, before finally realising that I had forgotten to press the button while I was using the intercom; they hadn't received a word.
“Crap.” I muttered, and repeated the process with a hint of resignation.

[Drago]

Yes! Yes! We resume rather rapidly within our now-established frame of weekly updates (a tad better than bi-monthly, I reckon), with a chapter that is now... two? Yeah, apparently when I rewrite chapters they become twice as long, as you shall now see that a chapter once 3,468 words in length ballooned to become overwhelming. This stuff is hard enough to read as it is, it doesn't need to be an unwieldy sum of over 5000 words. So yes! It is now two separate chapters. I shall post the second before long, but allow the first to stew for a while, yeah? Yeah.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Ninth
To Train…What a Pain!

Kyle
********************
The route between Kurabusu and Attiles could be called unpleasant, at best. It was deemed safe to the public recently, but the hazardous canyon walls and their long drops made the most direct route impossible to travel. Instead, the only walking path was the one that spiralled around Mt. Madran, overlooking a cliff face. The path led all the way to its peak, and there was a Pokémon Centre up there if memory serves, next to a cave that lead into the mountain itself. From there, trainers would have to make their way through the pitch-black, mazelike interior. To make matters worse, the landscape was under the constant blaze of a searing hot sun, inconceivable in Furudo’s current winter environment and explainable only by some scientific guy who I couldn’t spot right now.
I sighed wearily as I started up the path, keeping one hand ready near my Pokéballs; Pokémon were known to attack here, and aggressively at that. I’d be angry too if it was always so hot, I guess.

After a short while, I let down my guard a little and, for lack of better things to do, started playing with my baton. I had just been issued with the weapon, and I wasn’t too clear how to wield it yet. I held it in a couple different positions and, upon swinging it in each stance, lost grip and dropped it to the ground.
“I guess…” I muttered to nobody in particular, “If I can’t use it right… I might as well use it the best way I can.” I attempted some kind of nunchaku-like spinning of the baton, and it inevitably flew from my hand and crashed against the mountain wall. There was a rumbling sound, then a thud behind me. I picked up my baton and turned towards it quickly, trying to look like I had more authority than I likely did.
But there was nothing there, other than a lone rock. It was about as big as my foot and incredibly jagged. It would’ve hurt like hell had it hit me. I gazed up and, squinting through the sun, could make out a troubling sight.

At the very top of Mt. Madran, just above the cave, laid several boulders, teetering over the edge and threatening to fall at any moment. Frankly, if such a small impact could send a rock falling, I didn’t want to hang around and see what else I could do to shake the larger boulders. I grabbed Kuda’s Pokéball and absent-mindedly threw it to the ground, resulting in another tremor that sent down a couple smaller rocks. She appeared before me, her red eyes shining brilliantly in the bright sun.
“Right, dig here!” I commanded, pointing at the side of the mountain. Kuda nodded and quickly started to dig, her claws piercing through the rock with ease. This was causing an incredible quake, and an enormous boulder tumbled down the side of the mountain, heading in our direction.
“Come on, come on!” I shouted, before she finally made it through the wall. I leapt in through the hole into the mountain at the last moment, the boulder landing right where I had been standing and blocking the entrance off entirely. Now in pitch-darkness, I felt a tinge of nervousness hit me. Kuda continued digging, downward through the floor this time so that we could descend several levels down the inside of the mountain’s caverns. Eventually we landed in a subterranean lake in an illuminated room; it was the bottom floor of the mountain, with the exit letting in a grand flash of light.

I returned Kuda to her Pokéball and stepped out into the open, relieved. I slapped my officer’s hat against my knee a couple times to dry it out, and then continued down the short path towards Attiles City.

Tony
********************

I tried my best not to fall as I stood on one foot, lifting the other into the air. The stump I was balancing on wasn’t very even, and it was difficult just getting atop it in the first place.
“I am… mighty!” I roared, shooting a fist forward, “I am a Taurmoose! A bull!”
I twisted my wrist while making a curious hooting sound, and then punched the air with my other fist. “I am an Arbook! A cobra!”
I span around while flicking a foot to the air, looking to all the world like a one-legged man riding a pogo stick. “I am an Arc-is-mine! A big… doggy! …With a wig.” I stood there blankly for a moment, trying to decipher what the hell an Arc-is-mine actually was. “Umm, a red… zebra that doesn’t… really look like a zebra! …No, that won’t do.”
I scanned my mind, thinking through the animals in my picture book from years ago (two, to be precise). “T is for… tiger!” I shouted with glee, “I am a tiger! I am Tony!!”
I leapt up and down on one foot, the other swaying about like a leggy pendulum. I wanted the whole world to know just who I was.
“I AM TONY THE TIGER!” I cried, leaping to the air with all my might, “And I’m GRRRRRRRREAT!!” My landing wasn’t exactly spectacular, as I missed the stump entirely and landed heavily on Cubone, who screeched loudly, flailing his arms.

Klepto watched on with disinterest. He flapped his wings once while hopping from one foot to the other as I had been doing. He seemed to like that little game, and didn’t seem too fond of standing still anyway.
I got up off of Cubone, who had made an imprint in the ground that looked very ghastly indeed.
“You know what that looks like?” I asked Cubone with a shudder, ignoring the fact that he was flat as a pancake, “It looks like the grave of a zombie named Tobias Fannhart that dug out from his resting place, intent on ripping the flesh of a hapless victim, an unfortunate soul who works harder than a leper selling balloons!” I took a deep breath, “But upon rising to terrorise the world, Tobias realised that he left behind the watch his wife, Janice, had gotten for him from Singapore at a very good deal from a pawnshop owner, so Tobias decided to dig back into the ground to retrieve said watch, but upon piercing the ground he found himself stopping when he questioned the value of material possessions, particularly those belonging to a zombie, which lead to a conflict on the point of life itself, or in his case lack of life, and so Tobias consulted a psychiatrist and, finding no answers, became a social outcast who sells porcupine quills for all eternity!!”

I fell to the ground after finishing my theory, gasping for air and landing back onto the hapless Cubone. Leaves looked like he was about to be sick after hearing my tale, and Klepto simply twitched a couple times, before taking off into the air.
“Hey, come back!” I shouted, leaping up to my feet. As I did, my pants slipped off and fell in a heap around my ankles, leaving all in attendance audience to my neon blue boxers with big yellow smiley faces on them.
“Aww Hölle!” I muttered, the boxers seeming to mock me as they grinned on. Leaves laughed his head off, and I quickly shot him a threatening glare.
“Shut up or I’ll buy you a pair!” I hissed, and he stopped immediately.

Pulling my pants up and peering up into the sky, I tried to see if I could spot Klepto. Where did he get off to? That bird needs a bell, honestly! Upon concluding that thought, I heard a light chiming sound.
“What the…?” I muttered, bemused. Had the angels answered my prayers? It seemed to be so, as the green angel Klepto flew back our way at an incredible speed, a little bell in his talons.
“Hurrah, Klepto!” I cheered. He dropped the bell into my hands, and then hid behind my leg. “Thank you, Klepto!” I said with a smile, before looking back ahead and quickly losing my smile, as an extremely angry, very large man was running right towards us. “I hate you, Klepto.” I groaned.
The man closed in on us like a homing missile (which he also somewhat resembled) and snatched the bell from my hand.
“You little man!” he snarled, leaving me to ponder what his original language was. Caveman, perhaps. “That bird thing took bell from me!” He gingerly rubbed the tiny bell, before attaching it to the front of his coat. He merrily let it chime a couple times, but that glee was short-lived. He looked deep into my eyes, either trying to be threatening or seductive. “You insult me badly!” he roared. …He wasn’t being very seductive.
“M-m-me?” I squeaked, about to burst out crying, “I insult nobody! Truly!”
At that unfortunate moment, my pants fell back down as if on command.
“Cheeky bugger!” he roared, and kicked me in the groin, resulting in the worst pain ever (far worse than electrocution, I assure you!) The world was a blur; the clouds moulded together as though they had been put in a blender and the trees turned a very dark, menacing shade of green. All sound disappeared as I knelt over, bellowing about my plight.
“AAG! I’ve been DE-KNACKERED!!”

I was certain that my boxers now displayed unhappy faces as I got to my feet, pulling up my pants and trying to regain my composure. The man seemed to find the whole thing hilarious.
“Tobias laugh at the wussy man!” he howled, wiping away tears.
“T-Tobias??” I shrieked, “You’re Tobias?? It’s the horrific, melancholy zombie man!!” I backed up in terrror and tripped over Klepto, who squawked loudly. Fortunately my fall was softened a third time by Cubone.
Tobias roared with laughter. “This much funny!” he snorted, “Not only are you wuss, but lousy Pokémon trainer, too!”
“What?” I snapped, getting up and inadvertently stomping upon Klepto, “I may be a wuss… Nay, I am a wuss, and I am indeed proud of my wussy prowess… But I am in NO WAY a lousy Pokémon trainer!!” I peered under my foot, sadly noting that I had stepped in a Klepto. “…Well, maybe a little bit shoddy, but not quite lousy.”
I snatched the Pokédex from my pocket and pointed it at Tobias threateningly, as I had with the Hitmonlee and ‘chus. I tried to think of why exactly I had done this, but all I could come up with was, “The Pokédex DEMANDS we battle!”
Tobias stopped laughing. “Maybe…” he said slowly, “But only if I uses four, you use one!”
My mouth dropped agape. “That’s not fair at all!” I whined.
“Fine.” Tobias said, shrugging, “You bigger wuss and bad Pokémon trainer than Tobias thought!”
My knuckles went whiter than Michael Jackson as I clenched my fists tightly. “Alright!!” I grumbled, “One of my Pokémon CHAMPIONS against four of your pansy little girlymen!!”

I dashed a fair distance away from Tobias, my Pokémon close behind me. For a moment I contemplated continuing to run until I had escaped, but decided against it.
“Guys, this is for our pride and honour!” I snarled, “And for puppy dogs and Charlie Brown Christmas specials!” I added in a low tone, “And to prove that I am like, sooooo not a wuss.”
Tobias smirked and threw down his Pokéball. Out came a strange grey Pokémon with some kind of CD fragments growing from its head.
“Eww…” I muttered, “Put a shirt on.”

Machop. The Pokédex identified, A Fighting-Type Pokémon. Using… Natu yields an… 87%… chance of victory.

“Ahh, so only a twenty-three percent chance of loss?” I said with a confident smirk and absolutely no comprehension of percentiles, “You’re in then, Klepto!”
The bizarre bird anxiously hopped up and down a couple times and then, with a flourish, flipped onto the battlefield. I scanned through the Pokédex’s brief list of the Natu’s current attacks; slightly pointless considering I had no idea what any of them did.
“Alright…” I muttered, “Start with a Confuse Ray!” I curiously watched on to see if Klepto could indeed locate Ray, and how he intended to confuse him. His eyes glazed over and the battlefield was awash with darkness. Out of nowhere, a bright beam flashed before Machop, who stumbled backwards, looking dizzy.
“Woo! It’s confused!” I cheered, “I’m confused! …We’re confused!!”
“Buhuhuh…” Tobias chortled as he flicked a bitter-looking berry towards Machop. It chomped it down, shook its head and seemed to be cured of its confusion instantaneously.
“Aww Hölle,” I groaned, “That stupid berry again? Can the author of my life not come up with something more creative?”

“Machop, use Double Team!” Tobias ordered, which seemed confusing to me. Why would he want to raise his physical evasion if I planned on using psychic attacks? It was like shielding your face while getting punched in the stomach, kinda pointless and resulting in a sore tummy.
Nonetheless, Machop darted back and forth, eventually creating multiple images of itself. Tobias cackled, slapping his knee in triumph. “Try and hit Machop now, stupid man!”
“Righto, fellow stupid man,” I replied, “Use Psychic, Klepto!” Without a moment’s hesitation, Klepto raised his wings and his eyes flashed blue. A much nicer shade of blue than Cubone’s Psychic, might I add. A pulsating wave enveloped the Machops, and I got a headache just watching.
One by one the Machop copies disappeared until only the real deal was left, who held his head, groaning, and fell to the ground.

“Stupid Pokémon!” Tobias roared, stamping his foot, “Stupid stupid stupid! Go, Pinsir!” The next Pokémon he released was a hideous and frightening giant brown bug thing with a grotesque mouth and two very scary pincers atop its head. Of course, it only seemed to be a head with arms and legs, but that was beyond the point.
“Pinsir,” Tobias said, interrupting my head-related thoughts, “Use Submission!”
I stood there blankly. Unless I was mistaken, Submission was a fighting move and, according to the ‘dex, fighting-type attacks weren’t exactly threatening to a Natu.
Regardles, Pinsir dashed up to Klepto and put him in a submission hold. He soon discovered that getting an opponent with no arms and very little in the leg department to tap out was quite difficult, and his submission looked more like he was trying to pop the cork off a Natu champagne bottle. Klepto looked at me blankly, more annoyed than anything else. He easily escaped from the bug’s grasp and it fell flat on its face.

“Pinsiirrr…” Pinsir snarled loudly.
“Tobiasss…” Tobias snarled in kind for some odd reason, “Show it who boss! Use Vicegrip!”
“Hey Klepto!” I called, “How’s about getting in a Night Shade first?” Pinsir bent over and started charging at Klepto headfirst, its pincers snapping along the way. It looked oddly reminiscent to someone running with scissors, or perhaps scissors running themselves. The arena went dark again, but this time Klepto’s eyes turned a sinister black. He flipped Pinsir over, and as the bug squirmed about in the air, Klepto shot a piercing black laser that connected with its rear. Pinsir’s eyes widened as the attack burnt its bum.
“Piiiiiiiiiinsiiiiiir!” It squealed uncharacteristically, landing and running around in circles.
“Not exactly dramatic…” I groaned, as Klepto gave a shoulder-less shrug.
“No, this not right!” Tobias yelled, “Focus Energy!”

Pinsir stopped racing around and, briefly mourning the loss of its bug buttocks, closed its eyes and concentrated. Its once scrawny arms bulked up to twice their original size and its eyes sharpened into a frightening glare. It turned back towards Klepto, who backed up in fear. He looked up at me, worried and waiting for me to give him a way out of this mess.
“Uhh…” I gulped, gazing back at the ‘dex. There was an attack listed I hadn’t used yet, so I thought there was no better time than the present.
“Use Future Sight!” I said nervously. Klepto nodded, and closed his eyes. After a few moments he was done, and looked back at me for his next move. He hadn’t shot off a psychic blast, hadn’t pecked the crap outta Pinsir, hadn’t even laid an egg to piff at his snarling opponent or feed his hungry master.
“That… was lame.” I groaned.

[Drago]

And so the thrilling fight continues!! Don't pretend you're not reading, I notice the viewcount goes up roughly five times per chapter... And if that's just Google and Yahoo spiders crawling about my fic... well, shucks. On the plus side, I assure you that the chapter following this one will be completely rehauled into a brand-spankin' new chapter! Hurrah! Horatio!

As for this chappie, it isn't as dark as it once was... but it's still a messy affair! Oooooh, drama!!
And in case you're wondering, Cubone's fight is timed perfectly in my mind. Sweet.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Tenth
Khachaturian and the Bloodbath

“Pinsir, Furry Cuter!!” Tobias shouted, trying to take advantage of Klepto’s apparently worthless Future Sight attack, and displaying miserable pronunciation of ‘fury cutter’ in the process. Pinsir raced up to Klepto, its claw outstretched. Klepto looked panicked, though it seemed as though Pinsir was unfamiliar with its new bulked-up appendages; its heavy arm fell clean off before it had reached its target.
“Ooh, nasty.” I muttered, as Pinsir looked shocked at the place its arm had once been, “Finish it off with Psychic!”
Pinsir looked back up and was met with the bright flashing blue wave that had KO’d its comrade. It tumbled backwards and waved its remaining claw frantically, but to no avail. The attack hit, and Pinsir had lost the round, as well as its arm and rear end.

“You cheat!” Tobias spat, “You use same bad attack again and again! I fix you good!” He threw out the next Pokéball, blue instead of the usual red, with strange red and yellow markings atop it. Though the ball itself was impressive, the monster within was not. It appeared to be a giant crab. I glanced at the Pokédex, trying not to laugh.

Kingler. It said wobbily, as though it were holding back laughter as well, A Water-Type. It is… a crab. The on-screen image of Kingler zoomed in. …A crab. Requesting permission to use the term ‘’nuff said’?

Rather than acknowledge this curious digression, I instructed Klepto to use Confuse Ray again, trying to take this fight seriously. The darkness returned, as did the beam, but Kingler just stood there, unaffected.
“I suppose…” I grumbled, “If I were a gigantic crab, I would already be confused, too.”
“Use Crabhammer!” Tobias shouted, saliva oozing down his chin. He had either gone bonkers or supposed Kingler to be a tasty dish. Kingler dashed sideways towards a dumbfounded Klepto, raising its crabby claws. Only then did I notice how bloody large those things were.
“Look out!” I cried, but he couldn’t escape. Kingler thrusted its claw down and it fell hard on Klepto, practically crushing him underneath its weight.
“Tuuuuuuu!” Klepto cawed, looking like a Cubone pancake. With that in mind, I took the opportunity to begin inflating Cubone, who had been flattened and twitching on the ground for about twenty minutes now.

Klepto couldn’t muster an attack from under the massive claw, and Kingler began twisting its claw wickedly, pushing Klepto further and further into the dirt.
I winced, reaching for Klepto’s Pokéball to forfeit the battle, when all of a sudden Kingler stopped. Its eyes widened and it rapidly turned multiple colours.
“Something’s happening!” I cheered, meanwhile Leaves and Cubone appeared to be having epileptic fits watching this event unfold. They were having a lousy day, to be sure.
Kingler’s mouth frothed full of bubbles, before it finally flew off of Klepto and landed unconsciously into the dirt. The Pokédex handily informed me that,

Natu’s… Future Sight… has stricken the enemy.

“Spiffy!” I grinned as Tobias returned Kingler, “But that would’ve been better a little earlier, y’know? Why have Future Sight? …Why not Present Sight! Ooh, maybe Past Sight! Then you could kill them before they even begin the fight! …But then, if they were already dead, how would you know you had to attack? …This is really paradoxical…”
“Now for new Pokémon.” Tobias cackled, “I learn ALL its attacks!” As Klepto squirmed out from the dirt and shook himself off for a moment, Tobias flung out a yellow and black Pokéball. A great light shone, and a yellow cocoon formed from it.
“A… Kakuna?” I muttered blankly.
“Yes!” Tobias said proudly, “I catch just today!”
“Right. Good for you.” I said with a sigh, “Use Psychic, Klepto.” I tied my shoe, as there was a final blue flash and a buggy little shriek of agony. I peered up, and saw that Klepto had collapsed from the effort of launching the attack. The Kakuna was even worse for wear; it was in several pieces, apparently blown to bits by the attack.
“Harden!” Tobias shouted, “Harden lots!! …Why won’t you Harden??”

“I won…” I said quietly as it began to dawn upon me. My first ever victory… “I won!” I shouted loudly, “I won, I won, I-”
“Not just yet!” A voice interrupted that wasn’t Tobias’, unless he had sneakily swapped genders. I spotted a short girl with wiry blonde hair and wicked eyes approaching the battlefield. Her face was shallow and thin, as though someone had sucked the humanity out of her.
“This isn’t over!” she said, “I’m Toby’s sister Amy, and I am officially continuing this battle on his behalf!”
“Officially?” I muttered in disbelief. How is this official in any sense of the word? Who is she, the President of all Pokémon?? Didn’t the President have a big nose and an Australian accent? Oh wait, that was Geoffrey Rush…
“Three Pokémon each!” she continued, “Or do you forfeit?”

Although I seemed pretty fit to fore right about now, to my surprise Klepto had begun hopping about briskly. He was okay! He was dandy! He was hopping, Jack!
I looked over at Cubone, who held a couple red fruits he had pulled out of his helmet, apparently having fed some to Klepto.
“Berries?” I muttered, “Oh yeah, from Hank’s place! Good work, Cueball! I’ll start with you, then.” I set the walkman on the ground, and an insane drum banging began, followed by several instruments I couldn’t name (nor play, sadly).
“What is this, anyway?” I muttered, and was met with a ‘dex response of,

Sabre Dance… a movement in the final act… of the ballet Gayane… by Armenian composer… Aram Khachaturian… Running time two minutes… twenty-three seconds.

“Oh shut the hell up.” I snapped at my apparently musically educated device as Amy sent a Pokéball into the fray.
“Go Paras!” she said with a smirk, “We’ll show this loser how it should be done!” There was another flash and out came the orange critter with mushrooms on its back. I thought hard, and recalled that this was a bug/grass type.
“I’m learning! That’s good.” I recalled something else, “I’m disadvantaged! That’s bad.”

I looked through Cubone’s multiplicity of attacks displayed before me and picked one at random, “How about… Icy Wind?”
Cubone twirled about as the music dictated, a steady stream of beautiful blue ice emanating from his body. It hit Paras dead on and the bug backed up, slowed by the harsh breeze. So far, so good.
“Paras,” Amy shouted, “We’ll use Giga Drain!” Paras summoned up its energy and produced a green circle of solar power. It floated lazily into the air, before being drawn towards Cubone. About forty-five seconds into his tune, the dance had taken a slower pace, and Cubone pranced around to dodge the green ball before it could connect. It would not be deterred however, as it turned about-face and swallowed Cubone in a disturbing blob-like way. It sat on him for a moment before retreating back to Paras and showering it with a sparkling array of what I assumed was Cubone’s health. Or possibly his soul or virginity.

Cubone shook off the shock and chewed up a berry he had stored, trying to get back into the tune. He span in a lovely though probably pointless pirouette before launching himself in a Headbutt toward Paras.
Paras attempted to brace itself, but couldn’t block off Cubone’s sharp horned helmet. It flinched in response to the hit, and Cubone landed on his feet, springing back into another Headbutt. He kept repeating this process of Headbutting, Paras swinging its tiny claws about and trying to stop him to no avail.
“Giga Drain again!” Amy finally shouted, after hesitating to come up with a counter-attack. Another ball surfaced from Paras, this one whizzing immediately towards Cubone and catching him mid-Headbutt. It sucked up the rest of his energy and flew back to Paras, who looked refreshed and recovered. Cubone fell to the ground and obviously was not going to get back up.

Cubone’s battle duration… The Pokédex interrupted the horrific moment, Two minutes… twenty-three seconds.

I angrily flung the Pokédex aside and flinched when I heard it smash.
“Klepto, you’re back in there!” I said, pointing Klepto into the fray and returning Cubone to the safety of his Pokéball. The Natu had recovered a little but still wasn’t quite up to snuff. I had to take this thing out quickly if I wanted to win.
“How about another Confuse Ray?” I said uncertainly, sounding more like I was ordering suspicious-looking food. There was another darkness and beam, but Paras would have none of it. It resisted the attack entirely and dashed towards Klepto.
“We’ll use Spore!” Amy shouted, though I seriously doubted she herself would use Spore. That would have been a neat trick, though.

A yellowish-green cloud of dust shot up from Paras’ back and landed atop Klepto. I feared that this would set off his allergies, but it instead caused him to drift off to sleep, still standing on one foot.
“No, no, no!” I wailed, “What a sneaky deal that was! Hard to swallow, indeed…”
“Use Slash!” Amy cackled. Paras lifted its claw and swiped mightily at Klepto. He skidded back on impact, but kept snoozing and standing on one foot, impressive in a way but really not at all helpful.
“Again! Again!” Amy squealed as though this was some sick game. Paras slashed repeatedly at Klepto, leaving nasty, bloody cuts. Alas, he would not awaken; quite the opposite, he eventually just tumbled backwards.
“Yeesh!” I gulped, returning Klepto to his Pokéball, “And just in time…” To my alarm, blood began seeping from the ball so I quickly pocketed it, hoping it would just go away.

With an optimistic smile, I looked down at Leaves. He wasn’t quite as optimistic. He looked rather uncertain as he stepped onto the battlefield.
“Use Growl!” I shouted and, though he seemed really unhappy with my choice of tactics, Leaves did just that. It seemed to do just about nothing.
“Keep it uuuuuuuup!” Amy cried in a singsong voice, and the Paras promptly continued slashing. Though he tried, Leaves couldn’t dodge the slashing barrage. He backed up with each swipe, but refused to give in.
“Umm,” I gasped, trying frantically to come up with anything, “Tackle! Use Tackle!” Leaves leapt at the small bug and smashed into it, the two of them rolling to the ground, but he was too messed up to manage much impact. Paras was the first to get up, and let loose an almighty Slash that sent Leaves skidding across the ground. It was horrific… Leaves was profusely bleeding… and dirty, too.
“And there you have it,” Amy said with a smirk, “The battle ends here.”

Slowly, weakly, Leaves got to his feet. He spat out a bloody loogie that I hoped was an attack but unfortunately was just an indication that he required medical attention, then marched towards Paras. It watched on with interest as he approached it, then began pushing it with all he could. He stepped back, and then lumbered back towards it, hoping against hope that somehow he could overpower it.
Disinterested, it swiped at him again. He flinched, but only for a moment, before resuming his pushing.
“Leaves…” I whispered, my mind boggled by the events unfolding before me. It was like watching a lemming walk undeterred towards the edge of a cliff, or a pygmy face up against a falling skyscraper. In other words, you knew what was gonna happen, but you were still rooting for the underdog.
“Paras, return.” Amy said quietly, and reached for her next Pokéball. We could only watch on as she dropped the ball to the ground, before the silhouette formed and the enemy stood before us.
“Charmander!” the orange lizard snarled, waving its fiery tail around. Leaves took a deep breath, and started walking towards what would surely be his doom, drops of blood in his path.
“No!” I shouted finally, “It’s over!! You win, Amy…” The lemming had plummeted and the pygmy was squashed, but Leaves would not die this day. I was already fairly certain Cubone and Klepto had been killed, anyway.

“Ahahahah!” Amy cackled, Tobias joining in with his own throaty chuckle. He had certainly been quiet that whole battle, hadn’t he?
“We won!” Amy stated proudly, “Now pay up.”
“We?” I snorted, “Whaddya mean? We’re one apiece, I whooped Tobias good!”
“And Tobias was my teammate. We work as a team, your win means nothing to me!” Amy hissed, and stepped up to get in my face.
“Oh hell no,” I snarled, “We won’t take this! Get ‘er, Leaves!” Leaves promptly collapsed to the ground, a bloody heap. I sighed with resignation and, having no money to fork over, sheepishly brandished the soap balls and my beloved tokens.
“…Uhh, you can keep those.” Amy muttered, turning and walking away while her Charmander laughed a sissy laugh, “Loser.”
Alas, Tobias took it upon himself to nab all of my soap and tokens before he left, and I knew that I could never hope to be clean again.

After they had left, I recalled that I actually had a couple spare Pokéballs and Potion on me, and I called after them so that they could steal these, too, but eventually concluded that that wasn’t such a good idea. I instead poured the Potion into Leaves’ open mouth, and sat there pensively as he slowly recovered.
“Great, yet another loss to add to my résumé…” I groaned, clutching my knees tightly. Leaves looked up at me wearily, and I smiled for a moment.
“How ya feeling?” I asked, and the response was a spewing of blood onto the ground. Wanting him not to feel awkward, I also hacked out a pool of blood. After a moment, if occurred to me that that was actually very yucky. It was indeed a terrible day…

[Sike Saner]

Wow, lots of memorable moment have happened here since last I entered this thread. Battle conducted on a trampoline… the attacking Pichu, Pikachu, and Raichu that turned out to be CHRISTMAS CAROLERS… and oh yes, my favorite moment of all in the past several chapters: Anthony trying out all those anime actions. THAT WAS AWESOME. XD

Favorite excerpts, of which there are a LOT due to the fact that I am responding to several chapters at once:

Cubone whinged at me until I let him into his Pokéball, which I promptly did, pondering what the heck was in those things anyway. If the inside contained a hot spa or a harem, I was kicking myself now for being born a human.

I threw my hand into my pocket and shifted things around. A ball of lint drifted lazily onto Leaves’ foot and he snapped at it hungrily.

“LA LA LA!” I bellowed loudly, feeling a need to burst into song that was rewarded with a horrified look from Leaves.

Nidoran… the female variety… though small and unassuming… it is… covered in barbs and poisonous to the touch.

“Pfft,” I scoffed, “I’ll touch you all I like!” I scampered up and poked at the Nidoran a couple times, “Touch touch touch!” I smirked confidently and, sucking at my now-bloody finger, noted that under the Nidoran’s collar were a note and a small satchel. I grabbed the note and took a look.

It was some half-hour later that I concluded that walking through the snow in some random direction was not as much fun as advertised. I tried variations; skipping through the snow, hopping through the snow, running through the snow yelling indecipherable ramble, but nothing worked.

“Let’s make some noise for our competitors!!” Chris-O shouted, and though I thought it a strange request, made some quacking noises all the same.

“The rules are simple,” Chris-nitch called out toward me, “Your Pokés take on each of us at once; if you can knock all three of ours off, you win. If not, then you suck.”

“Let’s make some noise for our beloved guest commentator!!” I shouted, and was met with a chorus of boo’s. I couldn’t argue with that, though. Boo was a noise.

“And, Leaves!” Leaves stumbled out of the tree looking pretty sick, and hobbled up beside me, “Leaves… the Bubblesaur!!” To display his newfound Bubble attack, Leaves opened up his mouth, and hacked out a couple of soap bubbles. Only one person clapped at this display, and there’s a chance that it was me.

“Crap, losing one battle…” I said with a gulp, “Cubone vs. Shuckle, not going so great either. An unconscious Leaves vs. an amused Slowpoke… ehh, fairly even there so far. Righto, let’s try something new. Cubone! Start moving around in there, and use Bonemerang! …Sideways!” Cubone obeyed this curious request and began bouncing around. The bemused Shuckle began bouncing too involuntarily, as Cubone flung his bone off to the right. It crashed right into the side of Sneasel, who skidded across the icy trampoline upon impact. Lido sprung up despite her wounds, and grabbed the bone in her mouth.
“Boo yeah!” I shouted, “Now Lido, use Bone Club! And Cubone! Use Bone…” I stopped dead as my now Cuboneless looked at me with a look of sorrow more appropriate for his species. “Wow, what in the heck can you do without a bone? That’s like your thing… Sorry buddy. Do you reckon you could… umm…”

“I,”
“Saur.”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Saur…”
“A blimp!”
“I,”
“Gurrrrg…”
“What?” I snapped, glancing over at Leaves, “At no point did I gurg a blimp!!”

“You know what,” I muttered, “I’ve never fed you before. That’s neat.”

The bolt hit me dead on and the next few moments of my life were of inexplicable horror. My entire body felt alive with the rush, the pain came down everywhere in an instant. My vision blurred, causing me to spasm and twitch and jerk and flail amidst blood-curdling screams. Finally, it ended and I fell to the ground, wailing. “OH MY GOD! THE PAIN! I’VE NEVER FELT SO MUCH PAIN! THE UNENDING HORROR, THE-” I stopped abruptly mid-sentence, when I realised I wasn’t doing it right. I had never seen someone react to being electrocuted that way… I sucked up the saliva that had been streaming from my mouth, and teetered to the ground, anime-style. I instantly turned a charred black and laid there for a moment.
“Wow!” I cried, “That’s amazing!” I shot back up to my feet, inexplicably losing my black hue, “I didn’t know I could do that, what other amusing actions can I commit?? I know, I know… someone said something really obvious!” I reacted in kind, instantly lying down as though I had fallen incredibly fast, anime style. “Woow!” I bubbled, leaping back up, “Ooh, I gotta try this one; I’m bemused and slightly uncomfortable!” A large sweatdrop appeared on my forehead, anime-style. I leapt up and down with glee at this amazing display, “It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to!” My mouth contorted into a beak shape and I breathed out a small mushroom cloud, anime-style. It even came with a sound effect!
Pikachu had been watching on the whole time, trying to comprehend exactly what I was on.
“What?” I whined, “I’ve never done this before! It’s sooo much fun!!”

“Aww Hölle…” I squeaked, looking around frantically. We had to get out of there! …but first… My eyes became wide as dinner plates and gushes of tears flew from them, my mouth filling up the rest of my chin and a stripy red background flying by behind me… anime-style. Couldn’t resist. I just had to.

“Stop!” one of the Richus said in a buzzing electronic voice. I looked at it, confused, before noticing a small device on a collar it was wearing. A translating device, I’d wager. I came to this conclusion when I realised it translated. …And it was a device.

“Alright, alright!” I whimpered, falling into the snow, “I can’t run anymore… Do your dastardly deed…”
With a victorious, smug smirk crossing his face, the lead Richu marched up to me. I threw my hands to my face in a last show of defence, while Leaves covered his eyes. The Richu dug into the snow and, after a moment’s searching, found his tools of doom…
“A Santa Claus hat and a conductor’s stick?” I muttered, confused. The other ‘chus also pawed through the snow, each grabbing a sheet of paper and an elf hat. The head Richu turned to its cronies, tapped its stick against its paw a few times, and then flailed it around.
“Chu chu chu, chu chu chu, chu chu chu, chu chu!” the ‘chus belted out to the tune of Jingle Bells, although it sounded more like a bad train imitation, “Chu chu chu chu chu chu chuuuuuuuuuuuuu…” they finished, and then leapt back into the snow piles from whence they came. The head Richu turned toward me and bowed. “Happy holidays, mate.” It said finally, and then hopped back into the snow itself.
Leaves and I sat there blankly for what seemed like a very long time. “…Carollers are early this year.” I eventually muttered.

“I’m needing your help now!” I tried to respond, but with my tongue stuck onto the window it sounded more like, ‘I eeda our iwow!’
“You’re eating my window?!” the man gasped, somewhat impressed, “Boy, you kids sure are hungry these days…”

“It’s the walkman, you freak!” I snapped and, as luck would have it, it came across fairly clearly, though I suspect Hank thought I called him ‘feet’.

“It’s too bad,” Hank continued, “Areless just bought that toupee, too. It was about that time that all them Natu started going off their rockers. I woulda thought he’d have been able to handle ‘em, he used to make all sorts of devices for psychic Pokémon back in the day, but he’s been completely stumped by this.”
“He made devices for psychic Pokémon?” I repeated, interested, “Did he make any stuff for grass or ground-types?”
“Nah,” Hank muttered, “We only had three specialists, one of them was for fire and the other for rock-types.”
“What happened to them?” I asked.
“The fire guy just kinda lit stuff on fire and the rock guy… well he looked at rocks. We figured it wasn’t really helping anyone.” Hank replied, then recalled something else, “Oh we had a water specialist, too, but we try not to think about him.”
“Why?” I queried.
“The drinks he had been giving out to travellers… weren’t quite water.” Hank said sourly, and before I could figure out what that meant, there was a loud pelt of hail against the window that caught our attention.

Cubone actually went the extra step and stuffed everything he could see into his skull helmet for safekeeping. That included several forks and a lit candle, with Cubone subsequently dashing about the table billowing fire. A fun time had by all.

Afterwards I went over some figures that were slightly depressing. “Now then Leaves, you might recall that we were on this quest to find a Mintythrill, right?” Leaves nodded. “And so far we’ve found a grand total of zero, I do believe.” Leaves nodded. “Which would make our success rate 0%.” Leaves nodded. “…Dammit I’m such a failure.” Leaves nodded, enthusiastically.

“And I know, that you will all walk home, feeling like you have really done something. I’m sure your parents will take you home and say-”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Everyone around me got up from their chairs and ran for the exits, screaming.
“…Wow.” I muttered, “Mr. Michaels never said that to me!”

I took in a deep, happy breath. I sure was a great mystery solver! Now all that was left was for Hairless to say that familiar catchy phrase that was always the best reward…
“And I would’ve gotten away with it, too…” he muttered spitefully, “If it hadn’t been for this STUPID MORON!”
“Damn straight!” I cheered, “…Hang on, wait a minute…”

I awaited a response from dispatch, before finally realising that I had forgotten to press the button while I was using the intercom; they hadn't received a word.
“Crap.” I muttered, and repeated the process with a hint of resignation.

I scanned my mind, thinking through the animals in my picture book from years ago (two, to be precise). “T is for… tiger!” I shouted with glee, “I am a tiger! I am Tony!!”
I leapt up and down on one foot, the other swaying about like a leggy pendulum. I wanted the whole world to know just who I was.
“I AM TONY THE TIGER!” I cried, leaping to the air with all my might, “And I’m GRRRRRRRREAT!!” My landing wasn’t exactly spectacular, as I missed the stump entirely and landed heavily on Cubone, who screeched loudly, flailing his arms.

“Hey, come back!” I shouted, leaping up to my feet. As I did, my pants slipped off and fell in a heap around my ankles, leaving all in attendance audience to my neon blue boxers with big yellow smiley faces on them.
“Aww Hölle!” I muttered, the boxers seeming to mock me as they grinned on. Leaves laughed his head off, and I quickly shot him a threatening glare.
“Shut up or I’ll buy you a pair!” I hissed, and he stopped immediately.

“Machop, use Double Team!” Tobias ordered, which seemed confusing to me. Why would he want to raise his physical evasion if I planned on using psychic attacks? It was like shielding your face while getting punched in the stomach, kinda pointless and resulting in a sore tummy.

“Pinsiirrr…” Pinsir snarled loudly.
“Tobiasss…” Tobias snarled in kind for some odd reason, “Show it who boss! Use Vicegrip!”
“Hey Klepto!” I called, “How’s about getting in a Night Shade first?” Pinsir bent over and started charging at Klepto headfirst, its pincers snapping along the way. It looked oddly reminiscent to someone running with scissors, or perhaps scissors running themselves. The arena went dark again, but this time Klepto’s eyes turned a sinister black. He flipped Pinsir over, and as the bug squirmed about in the air, Klepto shot a piercing black laser that connected with its rear. Pinsir’s eyes widened as the attack burnt its bum.
“Piiiiiiiiiinsiiiiiir!” It squealed uncharacteristically, landing and running around in circles.

“Now for new Pokémon.” Tobias cackled, “I learn ALL its attacks!” As Klepto squirmed out from the dirt and shook itself off for a moment, Tobias flung out a yellow and black Pokéball. A great light shone, and a yellow cocoon formed from it.
“A… Kakuna?” I muttered blankly.
“Yes!” Tobias said proudly, “I catch just today!”
“Right. Good for you.” I said with a sigh, “Use Psychic, Klepto.” I tied my shoe, as there was a final blue flash and a buggy little shriek of agony. I peered up, and saw that Klepto had collapsed from the effort of launching the attack. The Kakuna was even worse for wear; it was in several pieces, apparently blown to pieces by the attack.
“Harden!” Tobias shouted, “Harden lots!! …Why won’t you Harden??”

I set the walkman on the ground, and an insane drum banging began, followed by several instruments I couldn’t name (nor play, sadly).
“What is this, anyway?” I muttered, and was met with a ‘dex response of,

Sabre Dance… a movement in the final act… of the ballet Gayane… by Armenian composer… Aram Khachaturian… Running time two minutes… twenty-three seconds.

“We’ll use Spore!” Amy shouted, though I seriously doubted she herself would use Spore. That would have been a neat trick, though.

I continue to enjoy this, what with its humor and that unique perspective of Anthony’s. Fun stuff, fun stuff.

[Drago]

Sike Saner: omg you're back!! I thought you had disappeared, and that would've sucked. I'm glad you've enjoyed the last couple chapters, and, call me self-absorbed, but I love hearing favourite excerpts, thank you! ^_^
And now I present y'all, finally, with the next one!

Yeah, it was a month again... I'm sorry... I just really, really struggled to replace the old chapter, Ausfall, a chapter I hated a lot and had to scrap entirely in order to formulate this new one. Well it's 3 am now and I've been writing the last half of this new effort in the last couple twilight hours. So iffin it has a couple mistakes (besides those which I intended), that'd be why. Meh.
This one features a tribute to Pokemon Diamond! ...No, not that Diamond... Hehehe...

EDIT: This chapter is likely to be edited many times, as I find more goofy jokes to insert. Keep your eyes peeled, I'm sure you'll notice it increasing in word count occasionally. Heh.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Eleventh
Super-Ultimate War God Supreme Slash

Leaves
********************
Slowly but surely, things were becoming clearer in my mind. With each passing moment I could feel my strength returning and I peered over at Tony, blinking a couple times until the blurriness cleared up.
“I, uhh, don’t think you should move too much.” He said uncertainly, so I made particular effort to do the opposite. I stood up finally and winced, stumbling a little. My wounds had healed some, but still hadn’t closed. Tony watched on, uncertain of what to do, and as I got my bearings, I considered him for a moment.
What the hell was he thinking with the way he played that fight? How about giving me some ideas instead of standing there like a dope? Moreover, why call it off when I had already been thumped? If I’m going down, it’s gonna be fighting, not with my tail between my legs.
…Lack of tail, whatever. Point is, if that’s the kind of coaching I’m to expect, I’m staging a mutiny.

Without a second thought, I started walking away.
“Hey, hang on!” Tony muttered, “Where are you going, Leaves? Don’t you want to help me sticky-tape Klepto back together?”
That offer failed to entice me; I continued to amble, gradually getting faster as I grew surer of my legs. I found myself wandering right through the bushes, which held a sense of familiarity to me. I swatted aside the occasional branch if for no other reason than to swat at something, but the journey was short-lived. They eventually cleared away to make way for Kurabusu City, a city with a calming feel to it.
There were very few buildings, and the ones that were there were hardly visible among the tents that made up most of Kurabusu’s establishments. It looked more like a team of travelling circuses, and it was hard to picture anyone normal living in them. What would the tent-home of a drug addict be like? Someone juggling flaming syringes?

I thought I might as well take a look around for a while; wouldn’t hurt, unless some havoc were afoot. I ruffled uncomfortably. Actually, havoc. That would be something to take my mind off what had happened. Maybe throw some wallets into the mix, and you had a formula for success.
Wasting no time, I marched into a tent with a mix of purple and dark blue stripes. Inside there was an unusual smell and a lot of smoke. Had I stumbled into that very addict abode? Maybe I could nab their stash?
I turned around and spotted an old woman standing in the corner, stirring a stick in a gigantic pot. She had her back to me, and I was sure that I hadn’t made much noise entering the tent. No way she notices me, not a chance.
“Not quite, m’dear!” she cackled suddenly, turning about to face me, “Now what is it that Madame Vertigo can do for you?”
I took a step back, shocked. “She did see me, then?” I snapped in annoyance.
“Not quite, m’dear!” she said again. I was starting to get sick of her already. “You see, I’ve been reading your thoughts, young Bulbasaur… and I’m afraid you’ll find no drugs in this tent.”

Our pseudo-discussion was interrupted as a caw from behind her drew my attention to a Pidgeotto that hopped up to address me.
“Right then,” he said smartly, sporting a curious English accent, “The name’s Rilliam, now let’s keep this quick. Would you like a potion made or some sort of fortune told? Perhaps a foot massage?”
“I’ll be right, thanks…” I replied, only now noting that Vertigo appeared to be wearing a tall witch hat and was cackling to herself in a wicked voice. I reflected that I had chosen the wrong oddball tent to wander into.
“Oddball?” Madame Vertigo said suddenly, “I resent that…”
Annoyed, I started thinking of Tony wearing lingerie. Madame Vertigo let out a horrified scream, and no doubt decided not to read my thoughts anymore. She threw a couple of eyeballs into her cauldron and wiped away a tear.
“Maybe this Bulbasaur knows where I could find a Murkrow?” she said hopefully, “I would love to have a Murkrow to go well with my witchy habits. I used to have two dear Murkrow… and I miss them oh so terribly!”
“What happened to them?” I asked Rilliam.
“Those were their eyeballs in the cauldron.” He answered simply, leaving me to roll my own eyes, annoyed.
I cast my gaze over on a crystal ball nearby and, noting my interest, Rilliam flew over and perched on the table next to it. After a moment, some vague colours began to form within it.
“So you do want a fortune, then?” Madame Vertigo asked, and I nodded. Seemed like an okay way to kill time.

She quickly removed her witch’s hat and replaced it with a turban that might be worn by a fortune teller. She shuffled over to the table and sat down in front of the crystal ball. As she waved her hands about a couple times, an expression formed on her face which looked like a combination of a frown and the result of two fishhooks in the gob.
After a while, the colours became clearer and focussed on a combination of reds and oranges. Eventually, it all came together to make the image of a fire within the crystal ball. I looked up at her, bemused.
“The ball is vague…” she said quietly, “This represents something of your life… Something from your past… something in the future… perhaps what’s on your mind right now. Which do you believe it shows?”
“Well,” I muttered, “The last fire I saw was… umm…” It hit me suddenly and I looked down angrily, “Ah, that damned Charmander. The fire from the Charmander Amy had. This ball’s showing me the past, then.”
Rilliam laughed, which sounded really weird coming from a bird, “You’re almost right, sunshine…” he offered, looking at me with an all-knowing glance.

“And now, your fortune!” Madame Vertigo shouted suddenly, at which point Rilliam started to cough. After a moment, he hacked out a slip of paper, and then gasped for breath.
“I detest that part!” he shouted, taking flight and fleeing through the open tent flap. I looked at the fortune, which said, ‘Open up to your friends. Try not to be stubborn, you will regret it in the long run. Your lucky colour is blue.’
Yeah, whatever… Wasn’t I here to cause havoc?

“What?” Madame Vertigo snapped, leaning towards me, “Havoc?”
“Crap.” I gulped, panicking. I knocked over her crystal ball, causing it to smash into thousands of pieces. I tore off out into the open, cackling to myself. There. Havoc at its best. Now what else could I mess with?
My next target was one of the buildings. It was two storeys high, might’ve been a gym. The Pokémon Gym, even. I had no idea, but I had to move quickly all the same. I snuck around the hallway on the bottom floor and, turning into the first room I found, ended up in some kind of kitchen. The glasses were all an odd shape, and held colourful brews that didn’t look too good. Though I was thirsty. A drink wouldn’t go astray.
The room was lined with benches, and there were several taps on the wall above them. I sprang onto the bench and turned on a tap. There was a hissing sound, but no water. I turned on the next tap, but again, nothing. I tried a couple more taps to no avail, and cursed my luck.
“Stupid cheap taps…” I grumbled, knocking over one of the odd glasses in annoyance. It smashed, and its contents began to bubble and eat a hole through the floor. Guess it was a good thing I hadn’t tried to drink that, then. I quickly ran out back into the open of Kurabusu City.

“You! Stop!!” a voice shouted, and I turned to see a young boy tear out of the building behind me. He had a baseball helmet on his head and an insane smile on his face.
“Ahh!” he smirked, “Pokémon!” He peered at me for a moment, his expression suggesting he was more than a little batty. He leant over, a squashed rice ball in his hand. He crept forward a couple steps, holding it in front of him as though to offer me some.
“Opp! I’ve got foods!” he said quietly, before taking a couple nibbles of the rice ball, “Chuck, chuck…” He looked up at me, then suddenly ceased his harmless chucking and leapt to his feet, “Surprise! Come to Trevor!!” he pointed a mobile phone at me and began stabbing at the buttons furiously as though he expected it would somehow subdue me. Needless to say, it wasn’t making me come to Trevor. I started walking away, and he made an annoyed shout as I did.
“Oh, oh! Still strong are?” he grumbled, throwing a Pokéball to the ground, “Then let’s weaken! Go Kuriputo!!” I turned around and was face-to-face with an Electabuzz, this one sporting unusual black hair across its head and back, and big black claws. Its tail was long and ratlike to complete the bizarre package.
“Face your doom, meanie!” it snarled at me, its words not very threatening, nor the unusual, almost feminine voice with which it spoke.
“What in the hell’s your deal?” I queried, more than a little bemused.
“You can’t beat us!” Kuriputo declared defiantly, mostly defying the notion of actually answering my question, “We believe in ourselves! We have the superpower of TEAMWORK!” he flexed his muscular arm, “Joining us soon!”
I stood there for a moment, considering this duo. They didn’t seem a formidable pair, but perhaps there was more to them than met the eye.

“Attack Kuriputo! Now attack!!” Trevor suddenly commanded, pointing a finger directly at me, “With a Tunderpunch!”
Obviously a big fan of theatrics, Kuriputo raised his great big fist and held it up while roaring as loudly as he could. Over time, electric energy began to crackle across his knuckles and his whole hand was glowing. Tiny little sparks flew off in all directions as though his claw was a sparkler, and his voice reached a fierce pitch. Finally, with his entire hand engulfed in a great ball of electricity, he took an almighty swing with his ‘Tunderpunch’.
This might have done me a great deal of damage, had I actually still been there. The whole process had actually taken four minutes, and I had long since taken my leave, plodding with disinterest down the path.
“Misses!” Trevor groaned, pulling his helmet over his face in disgust, “Don’t discouraged! Chase him!” the boy began taking chase, scrambling after me and shaking his fist with rage. I turned about to face him, surprised that he was actually shaking his fist, for crying out loud. Kuriputo was close behind, struggling to keep his wig on.
“Righteous!” Trevor said with a smirk as though the term was still hip, “Now Kuriputo, trapped enemy! Swift of stars!”
“No way we’re letting you get away!” Kuriputo shouted, thrusting his hand in my direction and letting loose an inexplicable barrage of stars.
“What the?” I gasped, too mind-boggled by the absurdity of the attack to dodge it. I flinched as the stars whizzed past, bonking me in the head a couple times. I shook off a little bit of dizziness, it was pretty annoying.

Kuriputo celebrated with a queer little spin, before flashing the peace sign. Trevor meanwhile was laughing his head off, quite giddy or quite insane. He danced a mad boogie that seemed reminiscent of a leper on a jackhammer, whilst singing a bizarre song. “Gonna win celebration! We’re fighting with heart and skill! We’re learning the ways to happy and meet friends of miiiiiiiiine!”
“I am truly over this.” I grumbled, taking charge and tackling Kuriputo with as much speed as I could muster. He tumbled backwards as I skidded to a perfect stop. “Trust me, you don’t wanna mess with Leaves, pal!” I said with a laugh. Kuriputo blinked a couple times, shocked.
“Ooooooooooooooh!!” Trevor fumed, stomping his foot like a whiny child, “This infuriating frustrates Carmen!”
“Carmen?” I repeated, “Who in the hell is Carmen?”
“Carmen believes in you, Kuriputo! Don’t up give!” the kid continued, and from his ramblings I could only assume that, for no particular reason, he was suddenly Carmen. Of all the things he had done so far, a pointless name change seemed fairly average stuff. “Light Scream!”
Kuriputo got to his feet, and closed his eyes for a moment. Before him appeared a tall, shiny wall of pink light, and strangely, it looked just the same as the Light Screen technique.
“So then why’s-”
Kuriputo cut off my question, letting out a lame little scream that didn’t appear to do anything.
“Right, whatever.” I said with a sigh, lazily strolling up to the Light Screen of Scream. From behind it, Carmen and Kuriputo were chortling, pretty confident that I couldn’t harm them from behind their protective pane of glass. I conceded that, there was no way I was going to be able to break through it. However, that didn’t stop me from walking around it; it was only four feet wide.
“Gasp!” Carmen declared, “Unsuccessing! It must be sedge.” From the backpack he was now wearing despite not having it at any point prior to this moment, he pulled out a frying pan and handed it to Kuriputo. “Take the flying pan!” he commanded, “Attacks with it!”

Swinging the weapon and letting out a blood-curdling girlyman scream, Kuriputo came barrelling towards me. I dodged around his swipes, eventually ducking for cover behind the Light Scream/Screen. He chased me around it a couple times, leaving Carmen to watch on in nervous anticipation.
“Come on, let me hit you!” Kuriputo said in a whiny voice and, taking a particularly nasty swipe, nicked me across the bulb. I snapped in annoyance, but he would have none of it. He raised his pan, and swung with all his force. I just barely got out of the way, and he ended up smacking the Light Scream with great force, shattering it to pieces. I ran out of the way, leaving Kuriputo and Carmen under a shower of tiny little Scream fragments.
“Aiyeee!!” Carmen wailed, hiding under his helmet. Kuriputo tried to do the same with his wig, but it wasn’t quite as effective. He was carved up pretty bad, and after the last of it had landed, he was covered in little pink shards of pain.
“Some points of 20 lost!” Carmen gasped, poking at his unfortunate Electabuzz, “Kuriputo…”

The beast seemed more peeved than anything else, however. He threw his tattered wig down in anger, and then began taking swings at me. He connected a couple times, and I responded with as many jabs as I could, though for a non-bipedal critter like myself, it wasn’t very easy.
“Ooho, how did you get so strong, Leaves?” Kuriputo asked, getting right in my face.
“I don’t want to tell you!” I responded, pushing him away.
“Alright now!” Carmen bellowed, breaking up our fierce exchange of poorly realised dialogue, “Let’s finish him off with Underbolt!! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!”
I began to sweat, panicked. Unless this attack was actually going to go right underneath me, it was sure to be fierce. Call it what you will, I reckon ‘underbolts’ hurt bad.
Clapping his hands together, Kuriputo launched off an unholy-looking bolt of electricity from his antennae, which, as per tradition, shot up into the sky, before turning about-face to come down comparatively slowly in my direction. I began to run but, to my surprise, the bolt appeared to change its trajectory to follow me.
“Hahahas!” Carmen laughed in a snorty chortle, “This attack follows you wherever you going!”
I stopped on the spot, looking over my shoulder at Carmen. A plan formulated right there and then. I was certainly a clever cookie.
“O RLY?” I said, feeling wise as an owl.
“YA RLY!” Kuriputo responded, snarling.

I didn’t need anymore cue than that. I immediately broke into a run, and the ‘underbolt’ changed trajectory so that its landing point would be directly atop me. It wouldn’t be long before it hit, so I had to dash incredibly fast to make it where I wanted to be.
“What doing?” Carmen grunted, confused as I stood smirking beneath him. The response was the direct force of the ‘underbolt’ landing atop the boy’s stupid head, zapping him with so many volts he looked like a Christmas tree. Afterwards, he teetered for a moment, looking at me seething. He swore at me, then told me to ‘remember it’, before falling to the ground, unconscious… or quite possibly dead.
Kuriputo looked between me and his trainer in absolute shock, before a nervous expression crossed his face and he desperately started to run for his life. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t feeling merciful. I chased him down, and caught him in such a hard tackle it probably should’ve been illegal. He crashed into the dirt, and I landed atop him before surveying the scene.

Shattered pink glass… Electabuzz in a crater… fried little boy… yeah, that was some good havoc.
Finally, I had claimed my first victory. There was no more satisfying feeling in the world, and this thought kept me warm inside as I strode confidently through the city. I hadn’t gotten far before I fell afoul of Tony. He was searching in a letterbox, desperately trying to locate me no doubt. I sighed heavily. I was better off without him…

…But if anything, that will make my first victory under his stead all the more satisfying. Oh yeah, it was time for Leaves to kick ass on the mook’s behalf again.
I walked up to him and he pulled his head out of the letterbox, his face covered in stamps.
“There you are!” he said gleefully, “I knew I was getting closer, I had already found some leaflets in the letterbox, so you were the next logical find.”
I stared at him with relative disinterest, though he didn’t seem to notice. “Anyway, your allies are back to life! I think. Cubone made some kind of squeaking noise when I squeezed him, but that might’ve just been gas. All the same, I’m ready to get on the winning track, aren’t you?”
I nodded, for the first time with enthusiasm. “And hey…” he said nervously, “You didn’t… steal any wallets, did you?”
Damn! I knew I had forgotten something…

Our reunion was cut short as a man in torn clothes and a sizzling moustache ran up to us, shouting. I ducked behind Tony’s leg, ready for him to make himself useful if I was in trouble. He grabbed Tony by the shoulders, his eyes bulging.
“Kid, you gotta help us!” he begged, panting for breath, “Are you a Pokémon trainer?”
“I assume myself as being one, yes.” Tony replied, “Though perhaps in some foreign country I wouldn’t be considered one. Who knows, maybe in Jamaica I’m actually a rap artist. …But umm, I’ll answer in the affirmative for now.”
The man stared at him for a moment, then peered around for someone else to ask for help. Finding nobody, he settled on Tony. “Good enough!” he shouted, beginning to run and motioning for us to follow him, “There’s been a terrible accident, we need your help!!”
We started to run after him, leaving me to ponder what this terrible accident could have been. Tony’s arrival?

As we drew closer, we could tell what was coming. When it was finally in view, it was only a confirmation of our worst fears, and a horrific sight…

[Powarun]

Another excellent chapter, I forgot to read the leaves part and I thought it was Tony. Reminded me of one of the few surprises that happens to the crazy little rascal when he meets someone whom has not been introduced. Are you going to try and incorpriate some new pokemon into your crazy tail. It was great when Leaves knew the underbolt was goin to hit him with the classic, ya rly. Though Leaves should have brought his brass knuckles vs. a flying pan, just to even out the fight. It would be really funny seeing Tony's reaction to Leaves if he ever evolves into a Venusaur, Tony will be making fat jokes and probably commenting on his pretty pink flower. Well keep up the good work, and may Mr. Chambers come across his Mintythrill soon.


Sorry for taking so long, you see I forgot my password, and well the email addess I have set for this forum expired, so there was some fun trying to log in again, pllus some other little daunting tasks like work.

You think I may have a bit too obvious about the spoiler, I am suggesting?

[Drago]

Powarun: Thank you Cap'n Pow (new nickname! yay!), and welcome back to the fold. Some of your questions may be answered in this chapter, and I've given some very serious thought to the status of Leaves as a Venusaur... iffin it does happen one day, it'll likely be just as it is in my mind right now... And I'm kicking myself for not coming up with the brass knux v. flying pan, I was struggling to come up with an equaliser and somehow that never came up. I have no idea why. Meh. ...And as for Leaves' future encounter, I think I know who you're talking about, but I'm not 100% sure. So I reckon it's not too obvious if even I'm not certain. Hehe.

Well then, I'd like to welcome you to our twelfth installment, and also to thank you all for your support that has landed me a couple spots in the Golden Pens awards! Vote for me! Or someone else! lol
Particular thanks go to mr_pikachu and mistysakura for slipping in nominations for the Thrill, so don't forget to give them some lovin' however you feel appropriate.

...Oh and whenever a chapter begins without specifying which character it is, just assume it's Tony. As is the case here.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Number after Eleventh (…Twelfth)
Out of the Flying Pan…

“Egad!” I gasped, my eyes widening, my hands shaking, and my right nostril looking particularly shocked. The building before us was absolutely engulfed in a fiery blaze of… fire.
The man stood next to me for a moment, staring into the fire, and then at me. He appeared seriously forlorn, as though someone had just beaten him in Mario Kart.
“I just barely escaped.” He said in a tired tone, though perhaps with a hint of pride in his voice.
“How did this happen?” I inquired.
He looked at me as though I was wasting time, “I was in the lab, and the next thing I knew there was an explosion on the second floor and a hole in the ceiling above me. Whatever the case, you and your Pokémon have to put it out! The nearest fire brigade is in Attiles City, they’re never going to make it in time.”
“Very well!” I declared, needing no more explanation other than why this man was sending an unknown child into a flaming building, “Come out and help us, guys!” I threw my Pokéballs to the ground, revealing Cubone and Klepto, who looked like a pair of zombies after all they had been put through today. “Alright!” I commanded, “Now put out that fire!” They exchanged panic-stricken glances.
“You’re kidding…” the man said, letting out a doleful groan, “You don’t have any water Pokémon?”
“Well, no…” I replied, shrugging, “But, umm… Cubone can shoot out a pretty mean Fire Blast. Wanna see?”
The man’s response was a mournful cry, and I began to ponder.

“Right, Cubone, it’s up to you!” I said finally, and Cubone pointed at himself in a disbelieving ‘me?’ gesture, “That’s right, you’re the one with all the TM moves, you’re bound to have at least one water attack.”
I scooped him up and held him high over my head, while he squirmed either in fear or, all going well, heroic anticipation. “So go get ‘em, Cueball!”
I flung Cubone into action with all my might, which was a fair bit more might than I had anticipated, causing him to fly headfirst into the wall, and then crash into the ground in a heroic heap.
My eyes shrunk and a sweatdrop drooped down my forehead. Unless the fire was going to laugh itself out, that plan hadn’t worked. I looked around for a moment, and found that Klepto was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’d he get off to this time?” I groaned, but before I could begin searching, a blast shattered a couple nearby windows and sent a man sprawling to the ground who had just emerged from the flames. I ran over and pulled him a safe distance away, just to look mildly helpful. He was rather fat, I might add, making my task all the more arduous.

After a moment, he regained consciousness, coughing and sputtering as he tried to regain his senses. I thumped him on the chest a couple times, appearing to be reviving him but in actuality just angry that I had dragged his fat butt this far.
“People!” he said suddenly, “People still in there! They’re trapped on the second floor!”
“Aww Hölle!” I gasped, mostly angry that this jerk hadn’t thanked me. I stood up, and heard a familiar caw from above. I looked up, and there in the smoky sky was Klepto, a large pail of water clutched tightly in his claws.
“Hoorah!” I cheered, leaping up and down with glee, “Klepto’s found water! And a pail that he’s likely stolen!” I waved my hands so that he could see me, “Gimme the water, Klepto!” I shouted.
The smile was wiped off my face as Klepto obeyed my command exactly as he heard it, and poured the entire pail of water over my head. He then landed on the ground, looking happily as though he had done a good job.
“…Thank you, Klepto.” I muttered, “There’s no more time for crazy plans. Someone has to go in there and save them!” After a moment’s pause, I propped the fat bloke onto his feet. “Go!” I roared, “Go and save them!”

Alas, he had passed out, and he wasn’t getting any lighter, either. I dropped him to the ground, and looked about frantically.
“Hey,” I muttered to Leaves and Klepto, “You don’t suppose it’d be frowned upon if we just, uh… walked away, do you? I can whistle pretty innocently, nobody would suspect us!” Klepto tilted slightly with a look of confusion, while Leaves shook his head. He snorted, and then dashed off towards the building.
“Leaves!” I shouted, “You can’t go in there! Your hair will catch fire!” I paused for a moment, only now realising Leaves’ apparent baldness, “Your bulb, then. Your afro-like bulb!!”
I groaned, prayed to whichever god was online at the time, and ran after Leaves into the inferno.

Once inside, time seemed to be going in double speed. The heat was unbearable, and I was already billowing sweat like a big salty waterfall. Leaves was darting about, trying to locate the stairs. I, meanwhile, could barely see a thing. The smoke was getting to me and the fire was blindingly bright. I lumbered around like Frankenstein, which isn’t a good idea as I’m fairly sure that’s how Franky met his end.
“Bulb! Bulba!” Leaves called.
“Bulba?” I repeated, bemused. I got down on my hands and knees, and things were a little clearer. And dustier, unfortunately.

Leaves had found the stairs and was standing by them, but could go no further as there were flames licking about them in places.
“You expect me to put it out?” I asked, and Leaves nodded quickly. I took a deep breath, and shot a mighty ball of spit at the flames. I sat there for a moment, observing its progress.
“I don’t think it worked…” I announced.
Leaves groaned, and then began biting and tugging at my jacket.
“Oh no you don’t!” I shouted, pulling it from his mouth, “We aren’t shielding ourselves with this! I love this jacket! It’s so bright and orange! When are we ever going to see something this bright and orange again?” Leaves groaned, and I keenly noted that we were surrounded by deadly bright and orange. Satisfied with that, I pulled the jacket up over my head and zipped it up over the top of Leaves, clutching him tightly in one arm. I winced, before running up the stairs past the fire.
“Hot hot hot ow ow ow!” I whined each step of the way, until we made it to the top. I immediately shut the door behind me, and breathed a sigh of relief. I had escaped the fire downstairs. Sadly, there was more upstairs that I hadn’t accounted for. Selfish fire, being in so many places at once.

Before me, there was a large hole in the floor.
“Help! Please help!” a voice squealed, and it was then I noticed three pairs of hands barely dangling from the hole. Squealing hands seemed a novel concept, so I approached the hole. Attached to the hands were people, funnily enough. I looked at them for just a moment, before it clicked. It was Amy and Tobias clutching on for dear life, as well as their Charmander.

Images of the battle flashed through my head. …My battered, bruised Pokémon… Tobias howling with laughter… Amy’s cruel, giddy torture… Whips and leather… whoops, not quite right.
All the same, I stared at them for a moment, before turning my attention to Leaves.
“…Should I?”

Leaves
********************
You’re kidding me, right? The fire, the prophecy… That Vertigo broad was looking into the future. The very near future, apparently.
Now, Tony and I stood there, with every second seeming to take an eternity, with one decision to make and one decision alone...
Whether to let these people live or die.

My mind raced, millions of thoughts all being condensed into one big blur. …The pain and humiliation… My teammates, destroyed mercilessly… That wicked, heartless girl… Whips and leather… how in the hell did that get there?

For those few, fleeting moments… I held lives before me.

…And I wouldn’t let them go.

I ran up to the Charmander, and stretched out a claw. It grabbed hold, and I started to pull it up. Tony hesitated for a moment, before giving in and starting to pull Amy up. Before long, Charmander was up and standing next to me.
“Here we go…” Tony said slowly, lifting Amy. He suddenly let her go, before grabbing hold of her arm again amidst a great deal of screeching and shouting, “Just kidding!”
I shot him an icy cold glare before he finally pulled Amy up. Tony and I now had the rather daunting task of pulling up Tobias before us. No small feat, as he was really, really freakin’ big. Though it seemed like a good time to take heed of the song and remember ‘two out of three ain’t bad’, I couldn’t quit now.
“Please help Tobias…” the giant whimpered, “He doesn’t wanna die…” Tony grabbed hold of one of his hands, while I allowed him to wrap an entire hand around my claw, and the moment he did I could feel myself sliding forward towards the hole.
“Sonuva!” I exclaimed, trying to hold my ground as Tobias’ weight seemed determined to drag me into the fiery abyss. Tony had taken one hand in both of his, wrapping his fingers around Tobias’ wrists, which seemed the size of telescopes.
“Don’t you dare let him fall!” Amy hissed, perfectly intent to give directions without actually helping at all. It wasn’t exactly inspiring advice.
“Listen, pal…” Tony said slowly, straining, “If you want us to just give up at any time, you go right ahead and let us know… We’ll understand! Or at very least, give me some of those muscles, would ya? They’d be a lot more helpful on my arms than yours here…”

I tried any way I could think of to stand my ground and pull Tobias back up, digging my claws into the floor and breaking into a run, but it all seemed for nought.
“Noo!” Tobias wailed, while Amy had begun to cry. Though it outwardly appeared this was due to her brother’s plight, in actuality she was more likely whining about her own imminent doom.
“I am NOT gonna lose here!” I snarled, more to myself than anyone else, “Nobody will ever beat me again…” Onward I skidded, slowly but steadily, towards the edge of the broken floor, vague imagery dancing through my head. For some reason, it seemed to formulate into one face, one that I hadn’t expected. That of Madame Vertigo.
So what, she’s Death, then? I pondered, despite myself, Sure looked like she had been dead for about a month when I saw her…
Then, another image. That of the fortune Rilliam had coughed out, and the nonsense it had said.
Try not to be stubborn… Stubborn? Me? Never! I’m never stubborn… Though that notion seemed less and less true as I was letting this guy drag me down to my doom, not out of care for him, but determination not to lose.

It seemed to me that Vertigo had been right about the fire, so there was no point in disbelieving her now. Might be good for a laugh, at least.
So, with a fair bit of effort, I wrenched my claw free from Tobias’ grasp, feeling all the better for it, and much less stubborn, too.
“Leaves!!” Tony shouted, falling forward onto his stomach and taking both of Tobias’ hands as best he could, “What are you doing??”
“Stupid green thingy!” Tobias cried, “I never trust noisy monsters again!” Tobias paused for a thoughtful moment, “…Except Elmo. Tobias loves Elmo.”
Unfortunately, it only now occurred to me that the rest of the message was just crap. …Lucky colour is blue… open up to your friends… I peered across for a moment, and looked towards the door Tony had closed behind him. …Maybe?
“Hey you,” I snapped at the Charmander, who had been cowering in the corner, “You’ve been real helpful so far… Open that door over there, would ya? I can’t reach it.”
“Y-yeah…” Charmander whimpered in response, walking towards the door and turning the handle, “Sir.”
He pulled it back slightly, and was thrown back as the door swung open. Something had entered the room, making a jingling noise as it moved, and had immediately grabbed hold of Tobias. Along with Tony, it managed to pull the hulking man all the way up onto the floor. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my eyes and my mind, and identify this creature.

It was a little bit bigger than me, and blue… spiky… a Nidorina. It was wearing a red collar, adorned with bells. …Good lord, it was Lido!

Tony
********************
“Lido?” I muttered in disbelief as I stared at the bunny rabbit who had saved my life, “My you’ve certainly grown… and… gotten kind of ugly, actually.” At that remark, Lido began to wail an awful, croaking cry. “Did I say ugly? …’cause I meant… FABULOUS!” She looked up at me for a moment, “I always get the two confused. Always.”
This reunion was certainly beautiful, but it would be less beautiful if we hung around and continued it as piles of ash. Amy, Tobias and Charmander were already long gone, so we ran down the stairs and fled from the building, as a final couple blasts went off behind us, perhaps for dramatic effect, and the fire fighters finally arrived from Attiles City.
********************************
The fire had been put out, and I yawned quietly as I ignored the shouting coming from the mobile phone Lido had had attached to her collar. Jessica was on the other end, and had some very interesting news I hadn’t realised, but had now been informed of roughly twenty times.
“Lido is a BABY!” she said once again, “When she came after you before, I said you could let her tag along, not fight in a battle! So she comes home, bruised and bleeding because apparently you suck at battles, then she just turns into a Nidorina. Like that. Dad couldn’t believe it; Lido shouldn’t have evolved for a while yet. So he decided she should go with you for a while.” She let out a long sigh, “Just keep in mind… she’s only young, don’t let her take on anything too big, okay?”
“When you say too big…” I replied, “Give me a bench mark, here. What, larger than a Taurmoose?” There was another groan, then she hung up. “Fine then!” I snapped, offended. I dropped the phone to the ground, and stomped on it a couple times, smashing it to bits. “Can you hear me now?” I asked Jessica in a mocking tone, though theoretically, since she had already hung up, she wouldn’t have been able to hear me anyway… dammit, I had just wasted a mobile phone on a zing that didn’t work.

The fat fellow who I had saved from the fire was explaining his story to one of the fire fighters, so I strolled up towards him, out of the corner of my eye watching my Pokémon play with Lido and only now noting how childish she seemed to be. I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t noticed it before.
The man turned towards me when he saw me walk up, and the fire fighter walked off to do something else important, like save a kitty from a tree or something.
“Ah.” The man said, “You. Well, it seems that the two you rescued had inadvertently caused the fire. Somebody had been messing around in the lab, and must have left the gas taps on for quite some time…” The pensive silence was broken with a rather audible gulp from Leaves, “It had spread throughout the entire building, and once they sent out their Charmander, the gas met the fire on the creature’s tail and the whole place went up in flames. So we’re very happy that you rescued those two young people.”
I beamed proudly, feeling shiny and brand new despite the burns and scars riddling my body and shiny coat.
“However,” the man continued, his eyes hollow and his words mortifying, “You didn’t think to look in the next room, where a rare and valuable Pokémon remained trapped.”
My jaw dropped practically to the level of my belly button. “Oh SH…”

[Powarun]

j0, a quick reply, for well a quick postingof the chapter. Dang I have been doing a lot of reading, Harry Potter 7, a humorous summary of the book, and two chapters of Minty Thrill, and well a lotof labels, you never can know what is in soda. (Sprite/Sierra Mist have something is really flammable) You know thinking of it, its pretty pathetic Tony doesn't have a water pokemon, I mean there are so many god dang many to chose from, not like electric or fire. Wow, I never realized that Leaves was so nice, or just stupid, or maybe trying to pay off all the bad karma he has built up. Cubone seems to have more of the heroic side in him. i found that Amy or Tobias not making any comments while being saved a bit odd, along with no information about the poor pokemon who was sacrificed to keep the flames burning. Also what I was hinting at in my last post was not about leaves, but more of an addition to Tony. Hint hint

Also here is a question for your ethics, DragoKnight; Klepto stealing a bucket of water, was that good or bad, the fact he stole the bucket?

P.S. He should have stolen that overpriced H20, its worth more.

[Drago]

Usually I let errors or inaccuracies slide, but you're right, Amy and Tobias being completely mute the whole time is borderline insane. lol I fixed that little issue with some pointless banter that makes it appear that they actually are in fact alive. lol thanks Pow.

[Sike Saner]

I liked that there were parts from Leaves’s perspective. I also liked the references to the “other” Diamond, especially here:

“Some points of 20 lost!” Carmen gasped, poking at his unfortunate Electabuzz, “Kuriputo…”

“Some points of 20 lost!”--I love that. XD Also great were Kuriputo’s attacks, especially “Underbolt”--lol, that makes me think of “underpants”. Underpants-bolt… XDD Yeah, my sanity’s getting away from me now. XP

Oh, and I liked the little Zero Wing reference that got slipped into the Kuriputo scene, too.

Also amusing was the way that whips and leather kept finding their way into the characters’ flashbacks. XD

Other highlights:

There were very few buildings, and the ones that were there were hardly visible among the tents that made up most of Kurabusu’s establishments. It looked more like a team of travelling circuses, and it was hard to picture anyone normal living in them. What would the tent-home of a drug addict be like? Someone juggling flaming syringes?

“Righteous!” Trevor said with a smirk as though the term was still hip, “Now Kuriputo, trapped enemy! Swift of stars!”
“No way we’re letting you get away!” Kuriputo shouted, thrusting his hand in my direction and letting loose an inexplicable barrage of stars.
“What the?” I gasped, too mind-boggled by the absurdity of the attack to dodge it. I flinched as the stars whizzed past, bonking me in the head a couple times. I shook off a little bit of dizziness, it was pretty annoying.

Kuriputo celebrated with a queer little spin, before flashing the peace sign. Trevor meanwhile was laughing his head off, quite giddy or quite insane. He danced a mad boogie that seemed reminiscent of a leper on a jackhammer, whilst singing a bizarre song. “Gonna win celebration! We’re fighting with heart and skill! We’re learning the ways to happy and meet friends of miiiiiiiiine!”

“Ooooooooooooooh!!” Trevor fumed, stomping his foot like a whiny child, “This infuriating frustrates Carmen!”
“Carmen?” I repeated, “Who in the hell is Carmen?”

“Egad!” I gasped, my eyes widening, my hands shaking, and my right nostril looking particularly shocked.

He looked at me as though I was wasting time, “I was in the lab, and the next thing I knew there was an explosion on the second floor and a hole in the ceiling above me. Whatever the case, you and your Pokémon have to put it out! The nearest fire brigade is in Attiles City, they’re never going to make it in time.”
“Very well!” I declared, needing no more explanation other than why this man was sending an unknown child into a flaming building, “Come out and help us, guys!” I threw my Pokéballs to the ground, revealing Cubone and Klepto, who looked like a pair of zombies after all they had been put through today. “Alright!” I commanded, “Now put out that fire!” They exchanged panic-stricken glances.
“You’re kidding…” the man said, letting out a doleful groan, “You don’t have any water Pokémon?”
“Well, no…” I replied, shrugging, “But, umm… Cubone can shoot out a pretty mean Fire Blast. Wanna see?”
The man’s response was a mournful cry, and I began to ponder.

“Right, Cubone, it’s up to you!” I said finally, and Cubone pointed at himself in a disbelieving ‘me?’ gesture, “That’s right, you’re the one with all the TM moves, you’re bound to have at least one water attack.”
I scooped him up and held him high over my head, while he squirmed either in fear or, all going well, heroic anticipation. “So go get ‘em, Cueball!”
I flung Cubone into action with all my might, which was a fair bit more might than I had anticipated, causing him to fly headfirst into the wall, and then crash into the ground in a heroic heap.
My eyes shrunk and a sweatdrop drooped down my forehead. Unless the fire was going to laugh itself out, that plan hadn’t worked.

I stood up, and heard a familiar caw from above. I looked up, and there in the smoky sky was Klepto, a large pail of water clutched tightly in his claws.
“Hoorah!” I cheered, leaping up and down with glee, “Klepto’s found water! And a pail that he’s likely stolen!” I waved my hands so that he could see me, “Gimme the water, Klepto!” I shouted.
The smile was wiped off my face as Klepto obeyed my command exactly as he heard it, and poured the entire pail of water over my head. He then landed on the ground, looking happily as though he had done a good job.
“…Thank you, Klepto”

“Leaves!” I shouted, “You can’t go in there! Your hair will catch fire!” I paused for a moment, only now realising Leaves’ apparent baldness, “Your bulb, then. Your afro-like bulb!!”

Leaves had found the stairs and was standing by them, but could go no further as there were flames licking about them in places.
“You expect me to put it out?” I asked, and Leaves nodded quickly. I took a deep breath, and shot a mighty ball of spit at the flames. I sat there for a moment, observing its progress.
“I don’t think it worked…” I announced.

Before me, there was a large hole in the floor.
“Help! Please help!” a voice squealed, and it was then I noticed three pairs of hands barely dangling from the hole. Squealing hands seemed a novel concept, so I approached the hole. Attached to the hands were people, funnily enough.

“Stupid green thingy!” Tobias cried, “I never trust noisy monsters again!” Tobias paused for a thoughtful moment, “…Except Elmo. Tobias loves Elmo.”

When she came after you before, I said you could let her tag along, not fight in a battle! So she comes home, bruised and bleeding because apparently you suck at battles, then she just turns into a Nidorina.

“Fine then!” I snapped, offended. I dropped the phone to the ground, and stomped on it a couple times, smashing it to bits. “Can you hear me now?” I asked Jessica in a mocking tone, though theoretically, since she had already hung up, she wouldn’t have been able to hear me anyway… dammit, I had just wasted a mobile phone on a zing that didn’t work.

“Ah.” The man said, “You. Well, it seems that the two you rescued had inadvertently caused the fire. Somebody had been messing around in the lab, and must have left the gas taps on for quite some time…” The pensive silence was broken with a rather audible gulp from Leaves, “It had spread throughout the entire building, and once they sent out their Charmander, the gas met the fire on the creature’s tail and the whole place went up in flames. So we’re very happy that you rescued those two young people.”
I beamed proudly, feeling shiny and brand new despite the burns and scars riddling my body and shiny coat.
“However,” the man continued, his eyes hollow and his words mortifying, “You didn’t think to look in the next room, where a rare and valuable Pokémon remained trapped.”
My jaw dropped practically to the level of my belly button. “Oh SH…”

Fwee... Fun reading material as usual.

[Drago]

Powarun: Ethically speaking, we're not too sure Klepto even stole it to begin with... Perhaps it had been provided to him by a helpful bucket-toting passerby? Besides, if there's a building on fire, I reckon buckets are fair game. For the greater good, of course.
Sike Saner: Hehehe, I'm glad you spotted the Zero Wing reference! Wasn't quite as obvious as the multitude of Diamond lines... There's two more obscure Engrish references I slipped in, I think.

Oh hey, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for Minty Thrill in this year's Golden Pens!! We fell short of our goal (of winning, lol), but it's just an honour to be nominated, and also an honour to have collected as many votes as I did. Congratulations to the winners and thank you all very much!!

And now, I'm proud to present the chapter that really started the ball rolling for this fic in my eyes. This here chappie marked the point when Minty Thrill's popularity started to take off, and I hope it'll do the same this time 'round. Enjoy!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Thirteenth
Freaky Fun

Kyle
********************
“No stone left unturned, right?” I repeated, consulting with officers Kroop and Freegan of Attiles City while trying to get the details of the search for Anthony.
“Not one.” Kroop said firmly, “We were at the quarry for hours… We turned every single stone and couldn’t find him.”
“We had to start over a couple times when we forgot which ones we had already turned.” Freegan added, leaving me to shake my head in disgust.

Attiles City was famous for a couple things; its pleasant appearance, its calm atmosphere, and its friendly residents. Friendly… but completely idiotic. I had continued my own search while I was here, and couldn’t find anything either. I had been mightily hindered by the locals, particularly those who had been especially bold and tried themselves to look for Anthony. One of them had been mauled while peering in the mouth of a pitbull, another narrowly avoided disaster during an ill-advised search in a glue factory, while another hadn’t been so lucky, suffering a fatal fall after searching on their roof before deciding to look underground instead.

Resigned, I tried to look confident. Tried to look tough, too, though it was hard when both of the older officers were a lot bigger than me, particularly Freegan, who looked like he had fit two men in his frame.
“Right, I guess I’ll be off then.” I said, “You two just keep an eye out for anything suspicious, alright? Whatever your security measures are, double them. Don’t let anything slip by you. Got it?”
They looked at one another, and then nodded. A butterfly whizzed by lazily, and they instantly chased after it, shouting that they couldn’t let it get away. I sighed, annoyed and starting to get a headache, then walked into a nearby diner.

I plonked myself down at the first seat I saw, set my gear atop the table and held my head in my hands for a moment. My peace was interrupted by a loud shout, which made me stumble clumsily from my seat and face the source. It was a teenager, a tad older than me. He had long, shaggy hair and appeared to be pretty drunk. Nobody else had looked up from their meals, he had focussed his attention on me.
“Huahaha!” he chuckled, although it sounded more like a phlegmy cough. I shielded my face from the saliva he shot out as he spoke, “Hey officer KID, wanna fight?”
He raised his fists in anticipation, and my hand instantly went down to the table, intending to grab my baton. Instead, I grabbed a plastic fork. It’d have to do.
“I’ve got a plastic fork!” I declared, brandishing it threateningly.
“Dude, woah!” he gasped, not grasping exactly how puerile the threat was, “Please don’t stab me, man!”
“Then get lost.” I snapped, and he obediently scampered out of the diner.

Shrugging to myself, I sat back down at the table and picked up the baton that had been so handily out of my reach just before. I gazed at it for a moment, bugged by just one thing; why did I have to call it a baton? That was such a stupid term; I felt more like the leader of a marching ban. Maybe I could start popularising a better name for it? Nightstick… Club… The Riddells Device…
“Excuse me?” a woman shouted suddenly right next to me, shocking me so much that the baton was launched right from my hand and flew over my shoulder, followed by a thud and a scream.
“May I take your order?” the woman asked perkily, seeming to be completely oblivious. I sighed, and leant back a little bit. No wonder Anthony hadn’t stayed in this city for long. Someone with his kind of smarts would’ve been appalled by the dopes around here…

Tony
********************
“Hey Leaves,” I asked the Bulb-is-sore as we walked, who looked up curiously, “Just what ARE you? I mean, really, I’ve been wondering for a while. Are you a dinosaur thing, or some kind of iguana? Because you look an awful lot like roadkill of some description…”

I looked up suddenly when I had collided with an indescribably odd object.
“What is this?” I gasped, my eyes widening and welling up with tears, “Someone knows we’re here! Some devious Kurabusu resident has planted this large white… THING here to block our path! Damn them! Damn them and their superior knowledge! When will we be enlightened with their fascinating technology and grand dental plans? When, Leaves, WHEEEEEEEEEEN?”
Leaves groaned in response, and I took a more thorough look at said obstacle. “Hang on.” I muttered, “This is a wall.”
He walked around the corner, thereby overcoming the wall, and strutted in through the door. Upon closer inspection, I noted that it was a Pokémon Centre we were entering. I let out Cubone and Klepto, as well as Lido, whom had been assigned one of my three spare Pokéballs after much deliberate consideration and several rounds of ‘eeny meeny miney mo’ before choosing which to accommodate.
The nurse standing behind the counter seemed busy, tired and irritated as she sorted things out, a Fancie by her side. There was also a little girl in the lobby sitting in a large leather couch, watching TV.
I ambled up to the counter, and when the nurse turned to face me, I noted that she was a hottie. She had long, shiny blonde hair and thick red lipstick. She had a generally smart look to her, too. I got that impression because of her flustered opinion. Only smart people get flustered like that. Except myself, for some reason.

“Can I help you?” she asked, trying to sound as polite as possible.
“Yeah,” I said, clearing my throat and lowering my voice to sound more appealing or Darth Vader-like, “I was wondering if I could stay here the night, as well as get my four Pokémon fixed up?”
“Certainly,” she replied, “We can heal your Pokémon to perfect health. I’m Nurse Iris, and I run this Pokémon Centre. There are a few rooms vacant, fortunately. I’ll just get you your key card, won’t be a minute.”
She walked over to the several key cards hanging on the wall. I stared at her shifting through them, trying to find juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust the right one. Parting them and sorting them with her long, slender fingers. The digits glided along the cards’ reflective and smooth surface, like a graceful figure skater dancing atop a gleaming bed of ice. Not since Crazy Eights had I been so turned on by cards.
“Here it is.” She eventually said, relieved, “Somebody’s been messing around with the order, they’re all jumbled up.” She handed me the card, “Here’s the key card to your room. Do you have any questions?”
“Yes…” I said in a droll voice, “Will you be sleeping on the left side of the bed or the right?”
For this I got a swift slap in the face, and Iris stormed into the back room, completely forgetting to answer my question. The Fancie sighed, and followed her.

I shrugged, and walked over to the little girl watching TV.
“Hi!” she grinned, “I’m Tina!”
“Whatcha watching?” I asked her, rubbing my cheek.
“Hamtaro.” She replied in a cheery voice.
“Hamtaro?” I scoffed, and laughed a deep, throaty laugh. My Pokémon chuckled as they left the lobby to do some exploring.
When I was sure they were gone, I leant towards her. “Which episode?” I asked quietly.
“Excuse me, sir?” nurse Iris said from behind the counter, the ‘sir’ sounding very forced, “There’s a phone call for you.”
“For me?” I muttered, confused. “Who would be calling the Kurabusu Pokémon Centre looking for me?” I put the receiver up to my ear.
“CHAMBERS!” bellowed the voice from the other end. I gulped, and pulled it away from me, my face turning pale. I knew exactly who it was.
“Mr. Michaels!” I gasped, “I’m sorry that Leaves and I killed you! I never expected you to come back from the dead to get me… I’m so sorry dead Mr. Michaels! Oh wait, wait, would it offend you less if I called you Mr. Zomichaels now?”
“Chambers, shut up!” he shouted, “I’m not a zombie.”
“You’re really Mr. Michaels, then?” I asked suspiciously, “Prove it! What’s three times two?”
“If you don’t shut the hell up I’ll reach through the phone and rip your lungs out!” he snarled.
I shut my mouth tightly. “Wow…” I squeaked through my teeth, “You must not have many friends if you say things like that.”
“Listen,” he interrupted, “Your extensions are up. I’m not waiting any longer, your ass is evicted.”
“You can’t evict me!” I begged, “I’ll be homeless!”
“Then pay up.” He said gruffly, expecting cash I obviously didn’t have. I thought quickly.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “I know how I can get you the money… and more.”
“Hmm?” Mr. Michaels grunted. The prospect of more money was enough to capture the foul beast’s interest.
“You can turn my apartment into a Pokémon lab, and I’ll send you all my spare Pokémon. Then, you can charge people to come in and see them!”
“Chambers…” Mr. Michaels began, and I waited on hopefully, “You are an absolute moron.”
“Uh, I’ll send you a… a wish-granting Pokémon!” I said desperately.
“Wish-granting, huh?” Mr. Michaels said, no doubt considering the prospect of wishing for scantily-clad women and all assortments of gold trinkets, “Alright then, it’s a deal.”
“All you’ll need is a Pokémon transporting machine thingy, like they have in all the labs.”
“Sure thing.” Mr. Michael replied, then after a moment’s silence said, “Hang on, how the hell am I supposed to get-”
I gulped, my well of ideas had run dry. As my final stroke of brilliance, I threw the phone out the window. An alive Anthony is a happy Anthony. I stood still for a moment, then, feeling the danger subside, breathed a sigh of relief. “There. Now that my apartment is safe, I’ll have a place to sleep at night.”
I followed after my Pokémon, looking for where I was supposed to sleep tonight.

I skipped through the hallway, whistling to myself as I hopped along, and as I passed by a room an elderly man opened up the door. He looked just like Hank; he was bald, wore glasses and had been stricken by the condition known as age.
“Hank?” I said, confused.
“I ain’t no Hank you lousy punk!” he wheezed, “Quit yer whistlin’ and skippin’, woulja? I’m trying to get some sleep here, it’s almost…” he looked at his watch, “11 o’clock? Wow, that’s strange, usually I’m complaining earlier than that. Anyway, you just shaddup and lemme sleep!” he raised a threatening fist. Threatening because I could actually see every bone and tendon within it. “If you don’t quiet down, I’ll sic my Snorlax on ya! He’ll mangle ya and tangle ya and yearaha…”
Rather than listen on, I continued down the hallway, his voice getting lost with each step. I watched him over my shoulder as I kept on my way. I hadn’t caught his name, so I’d just dubbed him Almost Hank.

Before I had gotten far, another door opened up, and my head whipped in that direction. I was face to face with a fat, tattooed man, striding alongside a fat, tattooed Wig-is-bluff.
“Eh, wha’s goin’ on ou’ ‘ere ‘en, ya li’l wart?” he demanded. He seemed to have trouble opening his mouth against the layers of fat of his chins.
“What?” I said, completely confused. He grunted, furrowing his brow and leaning towards me.
“Ul ba’ ba’ba ‘raus sa’ bu’l bu’sa.” Leaves suddenly intervened, croaking out sentences in a similar kind of stuffy grumble.
“Oh, a’igh’, ‘orry li’l ‘igh’er. ‘ub’a mean’ no ‘arm…” the fat man declared, having apparently understood, and waddled back into his room. I had just barely caught his name, which sounded something like ‘ub’a.
“Wow, Leaves!” I gasped, “I didn’t know you knew other languages!”

Dear Diary:
It seems Leaves speaks fluent fat.

As if on cue, a third door in the hallway opened, and a chubby woman and thin man peered out from behind the doorframe. Standing in front of them were a boy and girl. I gasped lightly upon seeing them, and Lido backed up behind my leg. Maybe it was just the dim light, but they appeared to be completely devoid of colour, and their large, round eyes seemed to glow. Their faces were blank and cold, and showed no expression. They wore dark, black clothes, and seemed like a collection of Ozzy Osbourne impersonations gone terribly wrong.
“H-h-hello.” I squeaked, “My name is Tony… Tony Pleasedontkillme!”
“Hello.” The man said in a weak, soft voice, with a touch of an English accent, “We are the Bunkits. I am Mr. Bunkit, and this is Mrs. Bunkit. These are the children, Eleanor and Theodore Bunkit.”
“Uh-huh…” I gulped, as they stared on. They didn’t once blink, or change their gaze, “This here… is Leaves! He’s great with doors! Would you like for him to close yours for you?”
There was a long pause, as the Bunkits continued staring. I listened hard, but couldn’t even make out any breathing.
“We have to go inside now.” Mr. Bunkit declared finally, “We will say goodbye to you and hope you have very pleasant dreams.” They didn’t turn as they backed up into their apartment, and I couldn’t make out any hands reaching out towards the doorknob. It just kinda swung closed as though on its own accord.

I let out a sigh and shut my eyes tightly, “Finally, they’ve returned to their horrific chamber of Hell… Say hello to Lucifer for me.”
I opened my eyes, and right before me was a huge pair of red eyes, staring deeply at me as though into my soul.
“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!” I screeched, “He’s sooner than I expected!!”
“This is HootHoot Bunkit.” Mr. Bunkit said, and the owl creature hovered from my face back onto Mr. Bunkit’s shoulder, “He would just like to let you know that your Natu appears to be taking the children’s clothing.”
Mrs. Bunkit reached inside the room, and pulled out Klepto, who had a curious look on his face and a shirt clutched in his beak. Mrs. Bunkit handed Klepto to me, and they slowly moved back inside, the door once again closing behind them.
I gasped for air, having practically hyperventilated, and looked angrily at Klepto.
“Never steal demon clothing!!” I scolded him, as we walked down the hall towards the final room, Cubone clutched onto one of my legs and Lido on the other, both scared witless.
I shifted nervously for my key card. “Between Almost Hank, ‘ub’a and those freaks I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight…” I moaned, and finally found the card. I stuck it in the slot, and the green light on the door didn’t light, but the door opened anyway. I walked inside, shut the door and turned on the light.
I took a look around. It was a one-nighter, and as such only had two beds and a table. There was a small window. When the clock hit eleven, bars slid down to cover the glass.
“Security system.” I muttered to nobody in particular, “That or they don’t want anyone eloping with their windows while they sleep.”

I threw my coat onto a table, pulled everything out of my pockets, and had to sternly tell Cubone not to listen to the walkman. Annoyed, he climbed into one of the beds, clutching his precious object to his side. Lido hopped up onto the foot of that bed, and laid down there. Klepto ruffled around in the coat on the table, before settling into it as though it were a nest. Leaves paced around a few times before collapsing onto the soft fluffy rug between the beds.
“So!” I said loudly and suddenly, and everyone’s eyes shot open, “Anyone up for some training?”
********************************
“No… no, stop it… No…NOOO!” I shot up from the bed, covered in a layer of sweat. It was morning, and Leaves awoke. He lazily gazed up to see what was wrong.
“Oh Leaves, it was awful!” I groaned, “I had that dream where I went to the futuristic camp where everyone was classified by their last name and a certain colour, and I was on the raft with Loogie Blue and Symus Green, and I took a wrong turn and they all yelled at me, ‘Chambers Brown, you blockhead!’ and all I could do was mutter ‘good grief’! Then a white beagle jumped onto the raft and started dancing, and a little yellow THING flew alongside him, and do you know what happened next?”
Leaves eyes widened in anticipation.
“A shark came up and ate the world.”
He looked surprised by the ending.

“It’s not that serious.” A voice said from outside, “Please, stay calm. It’s just a very bad mix-up, really!”
“OK!” I shouted in response, “That’s nice to know!”
The door swung open, and Nurse Iris poked her head in. “I aplogise, but there are a few security problems at the moment.” She said quickly, “And all the doors and windows are locked, so nobody will be able to exit for the moment, until we find the security system key card.”
“Righto.” I muttered, not quite grasping the situation, “But, hey… how come you didn’t need a key card to get into here?”
“Oh, your key card doesn’t actually open your door. It’s actually the key to the utility closet; your room was unlocked all night. I gave it to you because I wasn’t too fussed if freaks came in and attacked you in the night.”
“Ah, alright.” I said with a smile, “Hey, wait a minute…”

After getting dressed in the same clothes I had been wearing for about a week or two now, I returned my Pokémon to their balls, and Leaves and I wandered down the hall.
Almost Hank was complaining to Iris, and she was repeatedly apologising. Was he blaming her for his age? Only time will tell…
I turned and accidentally bumped into the large figure of ‘ub’a, who began snarling at me.
“Uh-oh…” I gulped, then decided to try my luck, “’ow ‘bou’ ‘e ge’ a li’l ‘ore ‘ren’e ‘en, eh?” I grunted in my best fat voice. ‘ub’a looked at me for a moment, a smile crossing his face. He chuckled and winked at me, before walking back into his room.
“Uhh, Leaves?” I muttered, “Just what did I say to him?” Leaves did a little pelvic motion to explain. My eyes widened; I now feared ‘ub’a for more reasons than I had before.

I looked around nervously; if we were doing this in order then I knew who was up next. Fortunately, the Bunkits didn’t appear to be anywhere in sight.
“I guess they only come out at night.” I muttered to Leaves, and stepped out into the lobby. Sure enough, there were bars over all the windows and the main door.
“Why can’t you just call someone?” Almost Hank snapped from behind me.
“I’m afraid I can’t find the phone anywhere.” Iris said nervously, and I froze in my tracks. It just struck me that I had thrown the phone out the window… Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Trying my best to look casual, I strolled over towards Tina. She was still watching TV.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Cardcaptors.” She replied, “They just found out that Sakura is the master of the cards, and now they’re star cards.”
“And I missed it?” I gasped, before realising that Leaves was standing next to me, “Uh, good. Glad I missed it. Yup.” That was certainly a close call. I turned towards the hall, and right as I did I was standing right before the Bunkits.
“AAAAAAAAH!” I screeched, stirring no response from them, “Oops, don’t mind me.” I said sheepishly, “Just praying to my gods.” I gulped hopefully; perhaps I could convince them I was some description of Satanist.
“We are afraid we are running behind schedule.” Mr. Bunkit said solemnly, “We were planning to leave early this morning, and as a result we have not been able to do many things.” They shifted slightly towards me, “And we find it to be rather unpleasant.”
“Hoot.” HootHoot added in a zombie-like tone.

Leaves and I slowly began to walk away, being eyed every step of the way. I fell into a chair as they finally left back down the hall.
“This isn’t good…” I sighed, “I can’t stay here! It’s getting warmer by the minute, and I’m missing time that should be spent fighting the Jim… uh, gym leader.”
“Hey, at least you can watch cartoons with me…” Tina called from where she was sitting.
“Leaves,” I said determinedly, “We’ll have to find out who took the key card. We’ll have to be detectives!” Leaves tilted his head slightly, confused. “Oh? You don’t know what a detective is?” He shook his head quickly.
“Right…” I muttered, “Well, let’s see… You know how Superman is a super hero? Well, he has to fight crime. And he fights crime with superpowers. But if you’re a person who has to fight crime without superpowers, you would be a policeman.” I paused for a moment. “Or Batman. Anyway, policemen dash about stopping criminals and shooting them full of holes. But there are people who need to tell the policemen who to shoot, by finding out who’s guilty. That person is a detective. Detectives are people who find out who’s guilty.”
I stopped, proud of my explanation, but then realised something. “Actually, detectives can also be rather low-ranked policemen, somewhere between patrolman and sergeant. What they have to do is be extra brave to get higher than their current rank, and shoot more people with more holes. Except civilians, of course. You see, civilians, are innocent people. We try not to shoot innocent people.” I paused again, “Unless of course you’re a robber. Robbers shoot people in their way for money and chuckles, and they’re the person who the policemen have to shoot full of holes, because robbers rob banks, because they’re bad people, and that’s what bad people do.” I paused yet again, “Unless you’re a super villain. Super villains are like robbers because they do bad things, but they do extra bad things, like torture people and strive for world domination. They’re almost undefeatable, but they can be defeated by super heroes. Superman is a super hero. Well, he has to fight crime. And he fights crime with superpowers. But if you’re a person who has to fight crime without superpowers…”

Leaves groaned and walked away, apparently ready to be a detective.
“I’ll finish my explanation later.” I said to him and stood up. Iris, who had been milling about nearby now walked into the back room, her Fancie close behind her.
“Good, now that she’s out of the way we can get to some questioning.” I said gleefully, and snuck down the hall.
I knocked on Almost Hank’s door first. He seemed to be a very unhappy man, so maybe he was villainous enough to lock everybody inside, too. The door shot open, and standing before me was a huge yellow and green blob thing.
“Wow Almost Hank,” I said, squinting, “You sure got big all of a sudden.” Leaves handed me a notebook Klepto had stolen from somewhere, “Alrighty Almost Hank, what were you doing last night?”
“Laaaaax…” he responded in a deep, husky voice, and I jotted down ‘relaxing’.
“Could you give me a demonstration?” I asked curiously. Almost Hank tipped over and fell towards us.
“Waaaaaaaaaah!” I squealed, and we scrambled out of the way as he fell to the floor with a fantastic thud.
“Snorlax, return!” someone snapped, and to our shock, Almost Hank was sucked up into a Pokéball. From behind him stood Almost Hank himself.
“Almost Hank!” I gasped, “You look thinner already! And how’d you get in two places at once?”
“That was my Snorlax you nimrod!” Almost Hank snapped, “Now whaddya want?”
“All I wanna know is…” I said slowly, “Were you enough of a bastard to take the key card and lock us all in here to die?”
He glared angrily at me and slammed the door shut. I wrote down the apparent response, ‘yes’. Only question, though, is if he actually did it, villainous or not.

I turned around, and stood in front of ‘ub’a’s door. My eyes widened when I realised the prospect of another inadvertently romantic conversation.
“Oooooooh no!” I snapped, ‘I am not going to question this guy! I don’t want to ruin our relationship…” I shuddered and sent out Cubone. “You can do it.” I muttered, and ran down the hall. I peeked around the corner as Cubone gamely knocked on the door, Leaves standing next to him.
‘ub’a opened the door, and having some difficulty seeing them past his own belly, tilted towards them. I feared he would eat them up right there, Wig-is-bluff by his side, looking just as hungry.
“Bone, cuba, cuby, bone, cub cube.” Cubone asked.
“ul’a, bl’as, ul’ab, al’ab, bul’ab bul’aba.” Leaves translated into fat, and ‘ub’a thought for a moment.
“I ‘as ‘appin’ ‘ight ‘ere wit’ me ‘igg’ytuff, o’ cawse…” he replied, and closed the door.
Leaves and Cubone ran over. Leaves had written the English version on the notepad. He was quite the handy Bulb-is-sore.

I looked ahead and, dark and foreboding at the end of the hall as though the door itself had sucked all of the light dry, laid the room of the Bunkits.
“Uhh, I don’t think we need to question them…” I gulped, “You know, they seem awfully innocent! Of course they didn’t do it.”
I turned about-face as quickly as I could, and fairly predictably, ended up facing the Bunkits once again.
“It is rather kind of you to fancy us as innocent.” Mr. Bunkit said in the same, emotionless tone, “Of course, you must excuse us if we act a bit impolite. The current of affairs is making us veeeeeeery unhappy, you see.”
“Hooooooooooooo…” HootHoot declared.
“And as a result,” Mr. Bunkit continued, “We will now just have to satisfy ourselves by killing-” a gasp escaped from my throat, “Some time.” Mr. Bunkit finished his sentence rather quickly, and the family seemed to glide once more across the floor towards their room, never ceasing staring at me.

I shuddered again, and let Klepto out. “Alright fellas,” I instructed quietly, “Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to get all the residents and their Pokémon out of their rooms. While I do that, you guys go through all their stuff and see if you can find the key card.”
They nodded, and began to argue over who would go into the Bunkits’ room. Ready to put my plan in action, I began to knock on the various doors. I knew just how to distract them…
********************************
“See that guy there?” I said, pointing at the television screen, “He’s Kriiiiiiiiiilliiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, got that?”
Almost Hank, ‘ub’a and the Bunkits seemed to actually be rather interested, now that I had distracted them by getting them all here to watch Dragonball Z. Tina was thrilled that someone was finally watching her anime shows with her. Lido sat atop Tina’s lap, squealing with delight every time a character she liked appeared onscreen. Now that I had a substantial audience, I decided it would be the perfect time to rewrite the show the way I thought it should’ve been done.
“Now you see, Krillin is the strongest Z Fighter of them all.” I declared loudly, “He has to save the day many times around, and has the most powerful techniques, too. In fact, when Goku got killed, it got Krillin so angry that he went Super, uh… Krillin. And he kicked Frieza’s ass! He took his sorry carcass and mangled him! He went BIFF and POW and KABOOMP!”
I slammed my fists against the couch as I told my version. “And then he got that Puar thing and he took it in both hands, and he-”

I stopped midway through when I noted Leaves, Cubone and Klepto excitedly motioning around the corner. I looked about and leant towards Lido’s ear.
“Continue for me, wouldya?” I whispered quietly before politely excusing myself, amidst Lido’s frantic shouting and sound effects, sounding to me like a two-year-old recreating World War One.
“Alright guys,” I said to my detective crew once we were in the hallway out of earshot, “Did you find the key card?” They nodded, and each dropped a key card to the floor.
“What?” I grumbled, picking one of the cards up, “Ohhhh… you IDIOTS! I wanted you to get the key card for the security system. I wanted that key card, not any key card!” I groaned in exasperation. It was hard being so smart sometimes.
“So what else did you find?” I muttered. They all shrugged sheepishly, having come up with nothing else.
“That won’t do!” I snapped, “Go back in there and find something useful!” They nodded, and ran back into the rooms.

I shook my head as I began to walk, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something shiny sticking out from under the utility closet’s door. It was another key card. I plucked it up and peered at it. The sticker on it read, ‘main security’.
“This is it!” I gasped, and took it to the front door. Nobody noticed, as by this time Lido had climbed atop a lamp as she delivered her no doubt riveting tale.
I stuck the key card in the slot next to the door, but all I got was an unhappy beep and the card shot back out, rejected.
“What?” I groaned, and tried again. Still, the results were the same. I tapped my chin for a moment, then for the first time noticed the writing on the slot next to the door. It read ‘Main Security, A1’. The number engraved on the card, however, claimed that the security system’s code was A5.
I pondered on this for a moment, and then returned to the utility closet. Funnily enough, the slot next to the door read, ‘Utility Closet, A5’. I stuck the key card in that claimed it was for the security system, and sure enough the closet door swung open.
“Yes!” I gasped, “But then…” Leaves, Cubone and Klepto returned from the rooms with their new finds. Apparently coming up with nothing better, they had each opted for bringing me photos they had found of the suspects. I took a look at each; Almost Hank and his SNorlax, ‘ub’a and his Wig-is-bluff, the Bunkits and their HootHoot…
“That’s it!” I said with a grin, “Guys, it’s time to take ‘em down…”

Within minutes everyone was gathered in the lobby, and I paced back and forth before them. I took a puff from a pipe, and coughed lightly.
“Where did you get this, anyway?” I asked Klepto, who was on my shoulder.
“So, all, I’ve deduced not only where the key card is, but also just who it was who took said card!” Everyone talked amongst themselves curiously.
“First off, I’m sure you want to know who has possession of the key card.” I started. A few of them nodded, and I’m pretty sure I heard a ‘duh’. “Well, to be rather frank,” I said confidently, stepping towards them, “The one who had the key card was… me!” A gasp hit the room, and Lido pointed an accusing claw at me.
“But it wasn’t my fault!” I quickly continued, “You see, Nurse Iris had given me what she thought was the key card to the utility closet. It was, however, in fact the key…” I walked up to the front door and stuck my utility closet card in the slot, “To the security system!”
All of the bars shot up, and the lobby door opened gloriously. Not quite sure what this meant, Lido pointed an accusing claw at the front door.
“You see, the stickers indicating which room each key card opened had been switched around. Underneath this sticker the number is engraved upon the card to which door it corresponds with. As you can tell, my key opened the front door.”
I shot my finger across the room. “And this made me suspect none other than Nurse Iris herself!” There was another gasp, and all eyes shot towards the shocked nurse.
“Buuut…” I continued quietly, stepping between the nurse and her accusers, “I came upon one final realisation along the way… This is a Pokémon Centre. Iris would’ve been the top suspect, but there was someone even more suspicious, someone who doesn’t quite fit in…”
I pointed a finger at the guilty suspect.

“…Tina!” I screeched, and all attention was suddenly on her, “It only recently struck me that ALL of you have Pokémon other than Tina, who doesn’t seem to have a single one! What would she be doing here in a Pokémon Centre without any Pokémon? Apparently, something quite villainous!”
“Alright, alright I admit it!” Tina whined, “I switched the key cards around…”
“But why?” Iris asked, surprised.
“Because!” Tina said, tears developing in her eyes, “If none of you could leave, then you’d all have to stay here and watch TV with meeeeeeeeeeee!”
Silence hit the room.
“Wow.” I muttered, “That’s a lousy excuse.” I returned Cubone and Klepto, as well as Lido, who had still been pointing at the suspiciously open front door which I was now walking towards.
“But really, all of you are guilty…” I said mysteriously, as everyone listened on, captivated by each word, “…Of being the biggest bunch of freaks I’ve ever met!”
I cackled wickedly at my wit, and dashed outside, finally free. Rid of all those clowns! Rid of those hideous Bunkits! Rid of…
After a moment, I walked back inside.
“Uh, sorry.” I said sheepishly as I shuffled back to my room, “I forgot all my stuff.”

[Magi of all]

Funniest Thing EVER. One of the best humor/parody fanfics i have ever read. There are times when I read some of Tony's thoughts and think, 'Man, I would have thought that to.' To be honest, that scares me.

Leaves is one of the best character in the story. his glares and reactions to Tony's actions are perfect. That is one angry Bulb-is-Sore.

Can't wait for more

[Sike Saner]

First of all, ‘ub’a, his tattooed Wigglytuff, and the “fat” language were glorious. XD I also liked the Bunkits, particularly due to the way Mr. Bunkit spoke—my favorite line of his being “And we find it to be rather unpleasant.” XP I just love the idea of people taking like that.

Another particularly funny part was Tony’s Peanuts-parody dream (especially the way it ended XD)—although, now that Ii think about it, it might not have been a parody to Tony; knowing what he tends to do to the names of things, he might actually believe that “Chambers Brown”, “Loogie Blue”, and “Symus Green” are the actual names of those characters. XD

Oh, and speaking of corrupted names, I thought that his referring to a Chansey as a “Fancie” was rather amusing, reason being that it reminded me of a Chansey toy that I found at a yard sale once. Its previous owner had, for whatever reason, chosen to paint parts of the toy with sparkly nail polish, creating something for which the name “Fancie” seems a perfect fit. I bought the thing because it amused me.

Highlights:

They looked at one another, and then nodded. A butterfly whizzed by lazily, and they instantly chased after it, shouting that they couldn’t let it get away.

“Huahaha!” he chuckled, although it sounded more like a phlegmy cough. I shielded my face from the saliva he shot out as he spoke, “Hey officer KID, wanna fight?”
He raised his fists in anticipation, and my hand instantly went down to the table, intending to grab my baton. Instead, I grabbed a plastic fork. It’d have to do.
“I’ve got a plastic fork!” I declared, brandishing it threateningly.
“Dude, woah!” he gasped, not grasping exactly how puerile the threat was, “Please don’t stab me, man!”
“Then get lost.” I snapped, and he obediently scampered out of the diner.

“What is this?” I gasped, my eyes widening and welling up with tears, “Someone knows we’re here! Some devious Kurabusu resident has planted this large white… THING here to block our path! Damn them! Damn them and their superior knowledge! When will we be enlightened with their fascinating technology and grand dental plans? When, Leaves, WHEEEEEEEEEEN?”
Leaves groaned in response, and I took a more thorough look at said obstacle. “Hang on.” I muttered, “This is a wall.”

She had a generally smart look to her, too. I got that impression because of her flustered opinion. Only smart people get flustered like that. Except myself, for some reason.

“Here’s the key card to your room. Do you have any questions?”
“Yes…” I said in a droll voice, “Will you be sleeping on the left side of the bed or the right?”
For this I got a swift slap in the face, and Iris stormed into the back room, completely forgetting to answer my question. The Fancie sighed, and followed her.

“Eh, wha’s goin’ on ou’ ‘ere ‘en, ya li’l wart?” he demanded. He seemed to have trouble opening his mouth against the layers of fat of his chins.
“What?” I said, completely confused. He grunted, furrowing his brow and leaning towards me.
“Ul ba’ ba’ba ‘raus sa’ bu’l bu’sa.” Leaves suddenly intervened, croaking out sentences in a similar kind of stuffy grumble.
“Oh, a’igh’, ‘orry li’l ‘igh’er. ‘ub’a mean’ no ‘arm…” the fat man declared, having apparently understood, and waddled back into his room. I had just barely caught his name, which sounded something like ‘ub’a.
“Wow, Leaves!” I gasped, “I didn’t know you knew other languages!”

Dear Diary:
It seems Leaves speaks fluent fat.

“No… no, stop it… No…NOOO!” I shot up from the bed, covered in a layer of sweat. It was morning, and Leaves awoke. He lazily gazed up to see what was wrong.
“Oh Leaves, it was awful!” I groaned, “I had that dream where I went to the futuristic camp where everyone was classified by their last name and a certain colour, and I was on the raft with Loogie Blue and Symus Green, and I took a wrong turn and they all yelled at me, ‘Chambers Brown, you blockhead!’ and all I could do was mutter ‘good grief’! Then a white beagle jumped onto the raft and started dancing, and a little yellow THING flew alongside him, and do you know what happened next?”
Leaves eyes widened in anticipation.
“A shark came up and ate the world.”
He looked surprised by the ending.

The door swung open, and Nurse Iris poked her head in. “I aplogise, but there are a few security problems at the moment.” She said quickly, “And all the doors and windows are locked, so nobody will be able to exit for the moment, until we find the security system key card.”
“Righto.” I muttered, not quite grasping the situation, “But, hey… how come you didn’t need a key card to get into here?”
“Oh, your key card doesn’t actually open your door. It’s actually the key to the utility closet; your room was unlocked all night. I gave it to you because I wasn’t too fussed if freaks came in and attacked you in the night.”
“Ah, alright.” I said with a smile, “Hey, wait a minute…”

“Uh-oh…” I gulped, then decided to try my luck, “’ow ‘bou’ ‘e ge’ a li’l ‘ore ‘ren’e ‘en, eh?” I grunted in my best fat voice. ‘ub’a looked at me for a moment, a smile crossing his face. He chuckled and winked at me, before walking back into his room.
“Uhh, Leaves?” I muttered, “Just what did I say to him?” Leaves did a little pelvic motion to explain. My eyes widened; I now feared ‘ub’a for more reasons than I had before.

“Actually, detectives can also be rather low-ranked policemen, somewhere between patrolman and sergeant. What they have to do is be extra brave to get higher than their current rank, and shoot more people with more holes. Except civilians, of course. You see, civilians, are innocent people. We try not to shoot innocent people.”

Entertaining as always. I look forward to seeing what happens next.

[Powarun]

Sike careful with what you say at the end, cause with Drago behind the keyboard you don't know what he will put down. I still can't wait until Tony's addition, its like the craziest thing ever in a fan fic. You should make the Bunkits return later in the fic.

[Drago]

Magi of all: Hehe, thank you for reading! I love discovering that there are new peeps out there who are just as enthusiastic to be Minters!! And I love Leaves, too. He kinda reminds me of a pirate, but I don't know why.
Sike Saner: Ahh, Tony and his random name-giving... sometimes I worry that it'll be a tad unclear, but it's seemed ok up to this point! And for the record, the Bunkits remain one of my favourite characters in this fic. I have no idea how I came up with them.
Powarun: Indeed, I'm a maniac!! I'm liable to throw anything in this fic... In fact, I think I'll throw in some risque stuff today. Mwa!!

Incidentally, even though Mr. Bunkit was created back in 2003, you would be forgiven in thinking that he is EXACTLY like Salad Fingers. I swear though, mine was the original. The parallels are rather queer, though...

Woo! New chapter, and I mean, new new, not old new! Sorry 'bout the delay, it's hard coming up with all-new stuff, and I've been sick, to boot.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Fourteenth
Sweatin’ to the Oldies

“GYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYM!!!” I roared at the top of my lungs, my voice ringing around the land and hitting such a mighty pitch that Leaves needed to cover his ears.
I stood there for a moment, waiting. My head whipped around in several directions before I let out a sigh, dejected.
“Damn.” I muttered, “I was hoping it would call back.” Leaves groaned in annoyance. The passers-by whom I had startled groaned in unison, too. “So I suppose the question would be, where is that gym?” I hopped on the spot a couple times, “I’m more pumped than an overfilled balloon! I wanna have that battle, win that buckle, and mosey on down to the next city, where more delightful mishaps will be undergone and lessons will be learnt. …Happens in every Pokémon adventure, y’know.” I paused for a moment, “Actually it’s so typical it’s downright cheesy nowadays… Seems Pokémon Trainers are a dime a dozen now that I think about it. Perhaps we should try something new?” I shot a fist to the air, “Alright! Starting from now Leaves, I am a Pokémon Breeder!!” I pointed forward powerfully, “Now go forth, Leaves… AND BREED!”
However, Leaves didn’t budge. Made it kinda hard to breed Pokémon that wouldn’t cooperate. It was especially awkward that I had pointed in the direction of some young lass who upon hearing my demand ran away in shock.

I breathed out a mushroom-cloud sigh. I had been a breeder about seven seconds and already I wasn’t very good. Another profession would have to suffice.
“Righto…” I pondered for a moment, “I shall now retire as a Pokémon Breeder and pursue my lifelong dream of being a Pokémon… Ranger!” I let out a rangery laugh. “My first order of business? Protect the plants!” My gaze instantly went towards Leaves, “That means you!” I scooped up a squirming, snapping Leaves, and had to work hard to avoid getting chomped, “Cripes, it’s hard to protect the plants that don’t like you.” Leaves got free and fell to the ground with a painful thud. “Aww, my plant ran away. Being a Pokémon Ranger sucks.”
Leaves stood up, shaking himself off and peering up at me out of the corner of his eye, obviously not intending to let me try my hand at being a Pokémon Hugger.
“I should stick with something simple.” I reasoned, “I should become a Pokémon Professor! I’m smart enough to do that, right?”
Leaves’ response was a fit of uncontrollable laughter, leaving me to frown in disdain.
“Alright then,” I hissed, “I’ll become a Pokémon KILLER. You first.” I leapt at him and the two of us fought tooth and nail. A group of teenagers strolled by nonchalantly, as though our display was a regular thing.
“I think I oughta be ready for the gym now.” I overhead one of them say. I stopped fighting and looked in their direction, giving Leaves a perfect chance to chomp down on my arm. I bit my lip to avoid screaming out in pain, then bit Leaves’ lip in a vengeful rage.
“Maybe.” Another replied, “Buff’s pretty tough, don’t be surprised if you get whooped.”
“Ooh…” I said gleefully, “We’re in luck!” Leaves let go of my arm, and a burst of blood began to stream from it. “Ooh…” I said less gleefully, “That luck ran out quick.” Regardless, I shook off the pain (literally, resulting in everyone in a three-foot radius to be sprayed with blood) and took briskly after the group of teens, trying my best to avoid them noticing me. In retrospect, I don’t know why I didn’t want them to notice me. Stalking just seemed like the fun thing to do.

Before long, they reached a massive blue tent that had the word ‘gym’ displayed above its entry flap. I was shocked I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but in my defence, it was a damned tent; somebody could’ve set it up just twenty minutes ago. Maybe it travelled around the city every so often like Bowser’s warship or something.
Regardless, I had a battle to tend to. I marched as confidently and dramatically as I could through the flap, but alas, failed to capture anyone’s attention, as all I had done was walk into a tent. Just like everyone else in this blasted city.
I took a moment to look about the gym tent, which seemed even bigger from the inside. All around, there were people working out on various exercise machines. There was a big, empty space in the middle that was fenced off, and various other segments blocked off by foreboding flaps. I released my Pokémon, who looked around in awe. Lido spotted a treadmill and giddily scrambled towards it.
“Hey, get back here!” I snapped, and ran after her. She had clambered atop it and was jogging along at a brisk pace, humming to herself merrily. I shrugged, and stood up onto the treadmill next to her. I frowned as I scanned over the buttons. They all appeared pretty similar, which button did what?
After a moment, I settled on the button dubiously labelled ‘go’. I prodded it, and as I did, the space underneath me began to move. I stumbled backwards in shock, and fell to the floor in a heap.
“Oww!!” I whined, “My treadmill is broken… How am I supposed to use it if the track keeps moving? Honestly!!”
“Havin’ troubles, twerp?” I heard a voice ask me. Offended, I shot up and stood up to him, poking him in the chest.
“How dare you call me a twerp, you… You…” I slowed to a halt when I noted that this bloke was 6’4’’ and full of muscles, to the point where my finger had gotten lodged between his massive pectorals. With some effort, I pulled it out, only to have it pulled back, this time by a mound of hair on his chest.
“You shouldn’t play with the big boys if you ain’t ready.” He muttered, yanking my hand free with his own hand, which looked like it could crush Cloysters, if he felt the need.
“We’re not playing with the big boys…” I said sheepishly, “We’re just playing near the big boys, see?” I pointed at my Pokémon, who were all cowering behind the equipment, except Lido who was still running along, blissfully unaware, “No big boys here. Just soft, innocent little boys.”
“Ahh, good.” He continued, taking a step forward, “I like little boys…”

There was a shout from the other side of the gym, and our heads instantly turned in that direction, as did the man’s oversized nipples. One of the flaps flew open, and the teenager who had thought himself ready to beat the gym leader ran out, bawling. His group shuffled off behind him, embarrassed, as a burly woman walked out behind them.
“Pathetic!” she roared, “Anyone else want to be humiliated?” My hand instantly shot up to the sky, thinking it was better to be humiliated than continue with this guy, lest I be humiliated, and then some. The brawny woman spotted me, and sprung towards me in a couple hops and flips.
“Hey there, kiddo.” She said, offering me a sweaty hand to shake, “The name’s Buffy. What’s yours?” I took a look at her hand, not exactly wanting to shake it.
“My name is Tony.” I said mournfully, “And this man likes little boys.”
Buffy instantly turned her attention towards the big guy, who backed away sheepishly, professing innocence.
“We were just kidding around, I swear, Buff…” he said in a panicky voice, but she would have none of it. She ran up to him, drove her knee into his gut, and then scooped him up and flung him right through the ceiling. I cringed as I heard him land with a thud outside.
“Sorry ‘bout that.” She continued, and put her hand back out for that handshake. I squealed in terror, and leapt behind the treadmill. She walked after me and continued, as though this was a common thing, “So you want to take the gym challenge, do ya?”
“Do I?” I queried, looking down at Leaves, “I dunno… Being a Pokémon Ranger seemed so much safer.”
“Ah good!” she said with a smile, “I’d be happy to give you the ranger challenge, then.”
“No, no, no!” I said quickly, “Gym challenge will be fine.” I shot up and leant closer, “Damn fine, miss.”

“No probs!” she replied, “It’s a three-course challenge, all taken right here in the gymstasium.”
“Gymsnasium?” I said dully, “I don’t like it. Can I have a three-course meal instead?”
“Gymstasium,” she repeated, “It’s gymnasium and stadium mixed together. Didn’t you notice the grand floor in the middle there?”
“Well obviously I did,” I snorted, “What do you think I am? Blind?”
She gave me a threatening look, and I quickly flinched back into myself, “Because I am. Blind, y’know.”
“Ohh, I see…” she said, “Well that does make it a little tricky…” she looked down at my Pokémon, “Do you think maybe your Pokémon could do the tasks on your behalf?”
“Well, sure.” I said, confused, “That’s the point? Isn’t it? That they do my bidding?”
“Great!” she cheered, “Then our first test takes place right over here, at the bench press.” She grabbed my arm and led me over, while I tried my best to look blind. That is, I closed my eyes tightly and reached my other arm out and touched everything I could find. I inadvertently touched Buffy’s rear twice, and it felt like there was more muscle in her butt than in my entire body.

She sat me down at a bench, and I quickly pushed at it as though it was a button.
“Haha!” I roared, “I have successfully pressed the bench! Onto the next task?” Unfortunately, she had been fiddling with a bizarre apparatus with a weighted ‘barbell’ held up over a black bench. She explained that my Pokémon had to lift up that thing while lying down on the bench, trying to manage more reps than her.
I spat at the erroneously-titled bench press, and then looked over at my squad. I tried to picture each Pokémon trying their luck at this task…

Leaves could handle the weight, no doubt in the world… Only thing is, he’d just kinda lie there and do nothing, he couldn’t get a grip onto anything with his claws. So unless Buffy could manage less than zero reps, Leaves wouldn’t hack it…

Could Cubone pull it off? He’s pretty tough… But knowing him, he’ll have the walkman in one hand and his bone in the other. That would make for really poor lifting, unless he could manage an amusing juggling act. Not likely.

An image of Klepto splatted under the barbell. Reps – not many.

I looked over at Lido. Her claws looked better for gripping, and she was a burly kid, no doubt. …But could I really justify getting a baby to lift weights?
“Lido!” I called her over, and she merrily skipped up to me, “Do you like Mr. Tony?” she nodded enthusiastically, “And you wanna help Mr. Tony, doncha?” Another nod, “So you want to lift weights, right?!” She nodded once more, clearly having no idea what I was talking about. “So there you have it, it would be cruel for Lido not to lift the barbell!”
She sprung around, thrilled. There was a slim chance that she actually had understood me, but it was more likely she was just excited by all the yelling.
She took her place lying down on the bench, and Buffy laid down on a bench across from her. Everyone in the gym gathered around to see their leader in action, and I had to back away in order to make room for the legions of people surrounding her.
“Alright, you ready?” she asked.
“Ready, Lido?” I whispered, and Lido giggled as though I had told a funny joke.
“Then in three, two, one…” Buffy reached above her and grabbed the barbell, “GO!”

The group of people all watched Buffy as she lifted, cheering her on and giving her cries of support. Lido had reached up to grab the barbell, but there was a problem… her arms couldn’t reach the bar. She swung her claws about, trying to stretch out and reach it, but it seemed like it was two feet away from her.
“Crap!” I gulped, and looked over my shoulder. The group of people watching Buffy had chanted ‘nine’, and it wasn’t likely they were discussing lotto numbers.
“Guys!” I hissed, “Help us out here!” My team scrambled across as I tried to lift the barbell up to hand it to Lido. Tragically, it appeared as though I couldn’t even get it off its resting place, it felt like it was nine bazillion tonnes. I looked at the weights on the end, and it read 200 kg. I had no idea what the hell a ‘kg’ was, so I could only assume it was gym-speak for nine bazillion tonnes.
Leaves and Cubone had gotten up onto the bench, but unfortunately, their arms weren’t any longer than Lido’s. The three of them hopped about, stretching out and trying to grab the barbell. Cubone flung his bone at it, which only resulted in a tragic clanging sound.
Klepto had perched himself atop the bar, and looked over at me as though he had no idea what it was we were actually doing.
“Lift, Klepto! It’s all up to us!” I roared, “Lift! Lift you fool!!” I pulled and pulled, and pulled and pulled a hernia, but the barbell wasn’t budging. I took this opportunity to blame all of my failings on Klepto, for this task and for life in general, and looked back over my shoulder. The group had reached ‘twenty-six’, and never before had I heard a more threatening and insurmountable ‘twenty-six’ in my life.

Somehow realising that whatever it was we were doing, she was not winning at it, Lido sat up and tears began to well up in her eyes. She whimpered for a moment, and then began to bawl that horrid, croaky wail. I covered my ears, cringing as the whole tent seemed to reverberate with what sounded akin to a toad being skinned alive. Leaves, Cubone and Klepto fell off onto the floor, and rolled around, writhing.
“Bar!” Buffy suddenly called, and I turned around as someone grabbed the barbell off her and set it back to its resting position. She sat up and grabbed a towel as the group cheered and patted her on the back. They all seemed very excited by the result.
“Damn that was some fine work…” she panted, “Thirty reps! And I owe it all to my best friend… Roids!”
A scrawny man standing nearby blushed, “Nah, I didn’t do nothin’.”
“You the man, Roids.” She replied to him, giving him a high-five. She stood up and walked over, “Sure sounded exciting over on your bench. Heard her crying from the effort, and I heard you cheering her on and everything, too. What did you say her name was? Klepto? Good work, Klepto.”
She gave Lido her famously sweaty hand, who took one look at it and continued to cry. Feeling our loss sink in, I began to cry, too.
“So how many reps?” Buffy asked, and I looked up. Nobody else was answering. The group all looked around at each other, some of them shrugging and others shaking their head. Could all of them have really been watching Buffy that whole time?
Feeling the momentum sway back in my direction, I laughed confidently. “Yeah, my girl was crying, but that’s only ‘cause she fell short of her record by three reps. She only managed a paltry ninety-six this time, I’m afraid.”
“N-ninety… six??” Buffy gasped in disbelief. “Dammit! Dammit dammit DAMMIT!” she slammed her fists in rage, one of them against the bench, another one against the noggin of an unfortunate bystander who fell to the floor.

She shot up and leapt into the floor in the middle, and, with a flick of the wrist, flung the tarp off the floor. Underneath was Astroturf, covered in lines and numbers indicating that it was a miniaturised gridiron field. It was rather narrow, and only fifty yards long. I strolled down onto the field, my Pokémon behind me, and Buffy handed me a football.
“Right, you’ve got four chances to complete a deep post.” She said bluntly, and sat down by the sidelines.
“Fair enough, so-” I turned towards my Pokémon, and leapt back in shock when I saw that they were all in football uniform, “Ack! How in the hell did you do that??” They looked about at each other and shrugged. “Whatever. Now then, who here knows how to play football?”
They stood there blankly, until Lido shot her claw up giddily. “Good! Lido!” I said with a nod, “Explain how this works to the rest of the guys…”
“Nidoraaa!” she shouted, and I nodded.
“That’s right, you need to run!” I complied.
“Nidorina…” she continued.
“And that’s true, you do need an arena…” I said, looking around.
“Nidonee!” she finished.
“And you need a… knee.” I concluded. Our crash course on football was complete. I tossed the football up, “I’ll be playing quarterback. As in, if you all suck and I need a refund, I’ll get my quarters back.”
I looked over at my team. “Lido, you’re fully behind me, right? You’ll play fullback, then. And Cubone, you’re standing in the middle, so it makes sense for you to be the center. Klepto, you’re half as good as Lido, so you play halfback. And Leaves, you play wide receiver, ‘cause you’re the fat guy.” He snarled in response, hopping about like the wide fella he was.

After a couple minutes, I had gotten them all lined up in position. I stood behind Cubone (whom I had given up trying to put a football helmet on over his own skull helmet), ready for him to give me the ball and start the game. This couldn’t have been too difficult; there didn’t even appear to be anyone else on the other team.
“SET!” I called, and my Pokémon all got into the ready position, “Blue nineteen! Red ninety-eight! Cubone!! Your number is 69! Hehehe…” I reached out to grab the ball, “HIKE!!” I grabbed the ball from Cubone and ran back. The rest of my Pokémon stood there, bemused.
“Aww crap, I forgot to actually tell them what to do…” I groaned, “Leaves!! Run forward, then kinda forward but to the middle!”
He took off, and began to run downfield. He turned, and looked back at me as I threw the ball in his direction. He wailed, and leapt aside, the ball just barely missing him and landing to the turf.
“DAMMITALL!!” I cried, “I told you to run there with intentions of me throwing the ball at you!!” Leaves shrugged, obviously thinking I had given him poor instructions, and flung the ball back at me. I ducked under it, and it hit another hapless bystander in the gut.
Maybe Leaves should’ve been the quarterback… I looked back at my fullback and halfback, who were keenly in blocking position, having concluded that would be an easy duty, considering there was nobody to block.
“Lido!” I commanded, “Run a post route, and I’ll hit you with the ball. Got it?” She nodded, and quickly ran the same route that Leaves had. I threw the ball with perfect spiral, and sure enough, it hit Lido. Right in the face. She rolled to a stop and laid there, twitching.
“When I said I’ll hit you, I didn’t mean literally!” I shouted, then turned back towards Klepto, “Catch the damn ball, would you?” Klepto began to roll across the turf, taking off at a fantastic speed.
“Now turn, Klepto! TURN!!” Klepto indeed turned, but it was in the wrong direction, turning into an out route and rolling off the field entirely. He crashed into an equipment bin, and several balls rolled out. I groaned dolefully, and looked at Cubone. He had been dozing off while his teammates tried their luck.
“Run you stupid center!!” I snapped, and gave him a swift kick, “I’m changing you to a tight end! Now RUN THE ROUTE!!” Disoriented and sleepy, Cubone ran a terrible-looking route, and I piffed the ball in his direction as hard as I could. He stood there, rubbing the sleep out of his eye and not seeing the ball flying right for him.

I winced as the ball landed square into the eyehole of his helmet and lodged itself in there. He scrambled around in a panic, then collapsed into the endzone, the football sticking out from his helmet like some kind of sick, leather arrow fired by a tribal Dan Marino.
I pondered the situation for a moment, then, noticing the ball was firmly in Cubone’s possession, let out a ferocious roar.
“TOUCHDOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!” I looked over at Leaves, who was standing near the balls, “Gimme a ball! I want the extra point!” Leaves plucked up a ball and rolled it onto the field. I kicked it up, and it sailed through the uprights, making an odd sound of ‘Natuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…’ …Perhaps it was leaking?

“You’ve done well to get this far…” Buffy said suddenly, “You were throwing especially accurate passes for a blind man.”
“Oops.” I muttered, forgetting to maintain my blind guise, “What did you say, sonny?”
She grabbed me by the arm, and, with Leaves my only remaining Pokémon, took the two of us into the mysterious segment she had sent that crying teenager from. She shut the flap behind us, and turned towards me.
“Not many people get to the third test…” she said quietly.
“What about that guy who was here earlier? He made it to this test.” I muttered, “I didn’t see him doing the first two tests, either.”
“We’re sleeping together.” Buffy replied simply, and I now pondered how much time I could’ve saved if she would’ve just slept with this poor, blind soul. “Now, this final test is probably too tough for you to manage.” She sat down behind a table, “It’s an arm-wrestling match, NO RULES.”

I wasn’t sure whether that was supposed to be dramatically threatening, or flippantly blunt. As such, I reacted as though it was a bit of both. I mean, an arm-wrestling match with no rules meant what? That she was liable to pull out a crowbar and smack the opponent halfway through?
“You ready to take the championship, Leaves?” I asked my Bulb-is-sore, who nodded with a look of confidence. “…With a better effort than your receiving skills?” I said sourly, a comment which he ignored.

He took his place, and put his claw out, which Buffy wrapped her hand around. I giggled over how Leaves had received that sweaty hand I had so keenly avoided, when she suddenly grabbed my hand with her other, equally sweaty hand.
“Here’s to a good, clean match!” she said, shaking my hand and practically crushing it into a bony, sweat-covered pulp.
I shook it off, and knelt down near the table, watching as the competitors eyed each other. There I was, a faux blind man watching a burly woman ready to take on a plant monster. It certainly wasn’t a position I had expected to be in that morning.

“And…” Buffy said quietly, “GO!” Without a moment’s hesitation, the arm-wrestling match began, and opposite to my belief that the competitors’ arms would spring to life and begin giving each other suplexes, I discovered that the competition was actually about forcing the other arm down. How boring.
And Leaves wasn’t winning, either. His little Bulba-arm was beginning to bend back towards the table, while Buffy didn’t seem to be struggling at all.
She was still sweating profusely, though this seemed less from effort, more from the fact that she always seemed to be sweating profusely. You could’ve given a small village its water supply from that woman’s body.

“Leaves! Keep fighting! Keep dancing… Keep loving!!” I shrieked out instructions that ranged between pointless and annoying, but his little elbow was starting to give out, and his arm was nearly pressed against the table. I had gone through too much nonsense to lose now, and in desperation, I began punching Buffy frantically in the arm. Though sweat flew from her with each hit, she was hardly flinching.
“Stop it!” she shouted, “That tickles…” I stared at her in disbelief, until I took note of what she had just said. That tickled, did it? I looked at her exposed underarms, knowing that I would hate myself for this, but… I instantly shot my hand in there and began tickling her armpit. She giggled and snorted, trying to resist, but I could tell she was starting to let up. I began to mourn the fate of my hand, lost in a mass of muscle and a river of sweat, but continued tickling.
“Th-that’s not fair!!” she grunted, “Hehe… *hic* come on!! You-you can’t do that…”
“There are no rules!!” I roared, “…And there is no God! It’s horrible under there…” I tickled as frantically as I could, shooting sweat all over the room until finally Buffy was laughing her head off. Her arm weakened, and at last, Leaves managed to overpower her and slam her arm against the table. I pulled my hand out and shot it to the air in triumph.
“Hahaha!” I cackled, “So wits triumph over muscle. And there’s none wittier than Tony Cha-” I leant against the table, and my sweat-laden hand slipped up and I crashed onto the floor. “Oww…”

She finished snivelling and giggling, and then grabbed Leaves and I, and pulled us out into the main segment of the gym. Everyone looked up from what they were doing and all eyes were in our direction.
“Your winner…” Buffy announced, “Leaves! And his trainer, Tony Chaoww!!” A cheer arose from the group, and I moaned as a chant of ‘Chaoww, Chaoww’ began to ring around the tent.
“Congratulations, Tony!” she continued with a smile, “You’ve mastered the gym challenge! And your reward will be…” I opened up my coat, ready to be crowned with a new buckle, “This certificate of achievement!!” I looked at her in disbelief as she plonked a certificate into my hand.
“Wh-whaaaat?” I croaked, “A certificate? Where in the hell is my belt buckle??”
“Buckle?” Buffy repeated, then laughed heartily, “You’re kidding, right? What do you think this is, a Pokémon gym??” I nodded sheepishly, and she took on a more sympathetic tone, “Sorry, but it’s not. This is a gym, not the gym.”
I looked at Leaves in disbelief, who looked back up with a similar glance. “You’re kidding me!!” I took a sour look at my certificate, and then up at Buffy, “Well could ya at least tell me where the actual Pokémon gym is?”
“I could…” Buffy said in an odd tone I hadn’t heard before, as she danced her finger along my shoulder, “If you would maybe just… tickle me a little more… I kinda liked it…”
At that, I took my leave. And that leave was tearing out of the gym terrified, with Buffy and Leaves close behind, then my other Pokémon following after us, and finally the other gym patrons running behind, chanting ‘Chaoww, Chaoww!’

[Powarun]

Wow, a certificate. YOu know maybe Tony whould have switched to be a pokemon ranger, he may have won something more. That was great about how Lido won her match though, without even moving hte bar, but I figured she would win from som kind of luck and not skill. And the ending was disturbing. Well go Leaves and cheating Tony, best of luck to them when they find the real Jim.

[Drago]

Powarun: Yep, a certificate. lol I hope Lido winning despite doing nothing wasn't too obvious, it just kinda came to me and I thought yup, gotta do it that way. And might I add, I love disturbing endings; makes people remember the chapter. Especially those with a fetish for tickling sweaty muscular women. I'm sure they're out there.

This next chapter is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to some fun alterations and some rather clever hidden jokes and references thrown in here and there. I had fun writing it!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Fifteenth
Buff Gents in Tights

Having ditched Buffy and her posse through some elaborate means (leaping through a pane of glass to dramatically escape from a window store), I was now wandering around Kurabusu City, trying to find the Pokémon gym. Although the only things around were tents, they really did block the view. It was rather strange that the city was filled with tents, actually, because the area itself was really big. It could take about an hour to get from one end to the other on foot. …Well, if you had a very slow foot.
“Unnnnnggggh…” I whined, “All this looking sucks! Why can’t I just have a Pokémon that I can ride around and make it do all the walking?” I gazed accusingly at Cubone. “That’s it, I command you to be a Rapidash!” I snarled, and his eyes widened. After a brief pause, he began attempting to turn into a Rapidash. And though he looked slightly more horse-like as the moments went on, this advanced form of self-alchemy seemed to be getting us nowhere.
“Bulba!” Leaves suddenly shouted, and I looked up. He had raised his claw, pointing off into the distance to what looked to be a big white building. It was separate from all of the other tents, and had a couple of flags adorning it.
“So far away?” I snapped, “God’s bread! It makes me mad.”

And so, we strolled along in its direction for a while, gradually realising that it was an extraordinarily long walk. We had been going for twenty minutes, and it looked like it was just as far away as when we had started, without the tents in the way of course.
“You know, I reckon a tuneski will make this trek go by quicker?” I said giddily, and snatched Cubone’s walkman away. Leaves and Cubone did indeed seem to pick up speed even before I had started to sing, and I had to walk a bit faster to make sure they didn’t miss out. I started to hum to the bouncy music that was playing, before looking up to the air, throwing my arms up and belting out a song.

I’d like to sing a little song to you!
About a maaaaaaaaaaaan, and what he’d do. I began a little jig, waggling my finger about.
He comes each day
To sweep the germs away. I mimicked a sweeping action, kicking my feet as I went back and forth.
And this is what he’d saaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

“CHORUS!” I shouted loudly.
In parades you’ll find
Me behind
Sweepin’ the mess
That’s what I do best. A brief twirl before resuming.
I sweep the floor
For a few dollars more
I’m a janitor! A bemused exchange of glances between my party.

Sometimes he runs… Obligatory running action commenced.
Other times he just jogs. The running slowed, as I rapidly searched my mind for a rhyme to ‘jogs’.
Wearing some… spectacular togs! Good save!
He’s an unsung hero
If ever there was one
From when he starts, to when he’s done…

In parades you’ll find
Me behind. I shook my booty about, to symbolise the behind nature of the janitor’s plight.
Sweepin’ the mess
That’s what I do best!
I sweep the floor
For a few dollars more. At this point, rubbing my fingers together in a money-seeking gesture.
I’m a janitor!

“Oh yeah!” I roared, and commenced with an awesome guitar solo. It was so passionate and powerful, it’s just a shame I had the headphones on so none of my Pokémon could actually hear it.

Some days… I put a serious look on my face.
It ain’t worth gettin’ out of bed
You’d rather be dead
Yeah, that’s what I said!
But every day, he comes without fail!
I bet he could… even… deliver the mail!

“EVERYBODY!”
In parades you’ll find
Me behind
Sweepin’ the mess
That’s what I do best
“WOO!”
I sweep the floor
For a few dollars more
I’m a JANITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRR!!
JANITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRR…

As the music faded, I repeated the word ‘janitor’ in various voices and accents, possibly to insinuate I had gotten together a grand team of singers to join in with me. Afterwards, I took a bow, and looked down to the others for a response.
Cubone and Lido were clapping unenthusiastically, Leaves made a loud yawn, as Klepto started milling about, looking for something to steal probably.
“Fine then,” I snorted spitefully, “See if I ever take up sanitation.”
I peered ahead, and to my chagrin, the building appeared just as far away as ever. The sun was really starting to heat things up, too. There wasn’t any snow in sight, which led me to ponder… had ended abruptly? Is there a big winter commission made of snowmen and congressmen who decided that winter just wasn’t making as much profit as it used to? That wouldn’t be fair at all. Next time I see a snowman, I’ll steal his nose and EAT IT.

Over to the right, there was a large boulder under the shade of a tree. I could’ve sworn it had been in that same place as we had been walking, but shrugged it off and decided it looked comfortable.
“Let’s go and take a break over there.” I muttered, and started to jog in a janitor-like fashion towards it. After a couple paces, it still remained as far away as before. Something seemed amiss; it was too close to be playing optical mind games with me.
“What’s going on?” I snapped, taking a step forward. Only then did I notice that my Pokémon all shifted backwards every step I took as they stood there.
“What are you clowns doing??” I groaned, and glanced back towards the city. We had been walking for half an hour, but had only put about ten minutes’ distance between us and the tents. Cautiously, Leaves took a step to the right as I stood still, and I felt the entire ground move the same distance as his step in the opposite direction.
“We’re… on some trippy-ass treadmill?” I wailed, “We haven’t been going forward at all!” Upon this declaration, the ground dipped over a bit, and a hole opened up nearby in the centre of this dip.
“Crap!” I gagged, “I think I hurt it’s treadmilly feelings!” Suddenly the ground wasn’t waiting for our cue to begin operating; it started to move at a rapid pace in the direction of the hole. We began to run, but it was no use, we weren’t fast enough to escape. Klepto took off and began to fly away, and in desperation I clutched onto him in the hopes he’d airlift me to safety, but all I managed was to drag him down with me. We tumbled one after the other down the hole, which closed behind us quickly. We started to stumble and roll down a long dirt tunnel, before landing painfully into a dimly lit room.
“Dude…” I groaned, holding my neck, “That sucked!”

As if on cue, to add to the suckiness, a cage dropped down on top of us, as the silhouette of a large man began to walk from the darkness.
“Where are we?” I whimpered, “Have I died and gone to hell? …Again?”
The man breathed a nasally couple breaths as he drew closer, “You are deep within the headquarters… of FOE… The Federation… of Evil!” He stepped into the light, and I took him in. He was wearing nothing but elbow pads, black boots and a frightening pair of black Speedo’s. He was the peak of fitness; seeming to have muscles in places I didn’t even have places. The package was completed short blonde hair and a hungry sort of look in his eyes. He looked kind of familiar, actually, but I couldn’t place where from.
“This is mighty odd…” I said, “Leaves, are we stoned? …Again?” In all likelihood we’re stoned in hell…
The usually courageous Cubone shuddered and hid behind me to avoid the gaze of this large man. I seemed to have a confident indifference to me, however.
“Listen… you greasy man!” I came up with the best threat I could, “Stoned or not, we’re on a most excellent adventure to locate a Mintythrill! We have no time for your cheap parlour tricks or flexing about! You can’t scare me; I’ve already crossed paths with two muscular men and one muscular woman who was possibly also a man!”
“Shut it!” he roared, making me shrink back into myself like a turtle, “You’ve met your match, my scrawny friend! I am the almighty Brad Snarler, and I will see to it that you never escape… Agent Tony!”
“Agent… Tony?” I repeated, exasperated.
“Don’t play dumb, Pokémon FBI Agent Tony!” he spat, “Of the Yenrab division of underage drinking, smoking and other naughty acts! You’ve foiled our naughty acts for the last time!!”
“Aww Hölle…” I groaned. I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass at some point.
“And I believe you have something that belongs to my son…” he reached into the cage, and pulled the terrified Cubone out, who winced and cringed as he was held up to Snarler’s face.
“Hey, gimme that back!” I shouted, as another, smaller figure appeared from the darkness.
“You did it, daddy!” the child cheered as he ran up alongside Snarler, grabbing Cubone and hugging him tightly. It was just as I had feared; it was Richard, the little kid who I had more or less stolen Cubone from. The little brown defector managed to get free of Richard’s grasp, but was quickly scooped up in one hand by Snarler Snr.
“Don’t mess with us, Cubone…” he snarled (appropriate and slightly amusing since his surname is Snarler), “You’ve been a rather disobedient twerp, haven’t you? Maybe some time in the box will learn you some manners.” Brad turned his menacing attention to us, “As for you, we have you right where we want you!”
“In an oversized cage with three frightened and disoriented animals?” I replied.
“Uh… yeah. Exactly.” Said Brad, “And now, you’ll be passed onto our professional executioners, educated in our Factory of Evil Academy!”
“Oh no…” I squeaked, “We’re doomed!!”
********************************
“Uhh…dynamite!”
“Got any?”
“Nope. Sorry.”
“Great.”
“…How ‘bout a very angry rhinoceros?”

The conversation continued between the executioners as it had been for ages. Apparently, the Factory of Evil Academy was an online university with a graduation rate of 100%, despite average grades hovering over the negative figures. In short, they weren’t that bright.
“Leaves?” I whimpered, and he peered up at me from where he had been sleeping, “Can you kill me now? Pleeeeeeeeease?”
“I’ve got it!” one of them said abruptly.
“What?” the other responded.
“A giant hole!” the first stated proudly, “We’ll drown them in a hole!”
“Wow, that’s good.” The second said, astonished, “No wonder you’re the smart one.”

After a boring and lengthy argument about which end of the shovel to use, the two had dug a hole. They grabbed a hose (why would they need a hose underground?), and shoved us down into the hole.
“Now you’re gonna drown!” one of them guffawed as he walked away, “’Cause you can’t breathe underwater!”
“Really?” the other gasped in amazement as he turned on the water and left as well.
“Oh cruellest fates!” I wailed, as the hole began to fill with water, “Sentenced to the merciless end of drowning… Woe is me! To drown! For my lungs to fill not with sweetest of sweet air, but bitter, cold water! Avast! I mean, alas!”
As he had been all day, Leaves gave me an annoyed look. All of my Pokémon appeared annoyed, actually. To my utter amazement, as the hole filled, we didn’t drown… but instead floated to the top! The others climbed out and shook themselves off, as I drifted about, trying to piece together this mystery of science.
“How did that happen?” I pondered aloud, “We were, like, in a hole and now we’re in a pool. Could hole plus water equal… pool? …Nah, couldn’t be. I bet it was Lido doing something cool. Good work, Lido.” My Pokémon exchanged insults no doubt directed at me, and I shook my fist at them.
“Well if y’all are so smart, how come none of you escaped through the bars of the cage which were apparently wide enough for Cubone and Snarler’s massive arm to reach through, hmm??” They didn’t have an answer for that one.

I climbed out of the hole filled with water which was possibly a pool, and looked around. “We’ve gotta find Cubone and get outta here. I don’t think it’s healthy to stay in the underground lair of a crime syndicate.”
We crept along through a tunnel into the darkness, hoping to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Suddenly, a mass of bright lights filled the gigantic room we had apparently wandered into, unfortunately making us very much in-inconspicuous.
To make things worse, we had somehow managed to waltz right into a wrestling ring. How we had walked right through the ropes surrounding it was yet another question best left unasked. A lean but toned fellow with a ponytail leapt into the ring.
“Look, guys…” he said in a laidback tone, “Messing with the Federation of Evil… just isn’t cool. If you want to get out of here, you’ll have to face with five of the top FOE executives, starting with me…” he pointed to himself with a prominent thumb, “The Amazing Expletive!” He threw down a Pokéball, and from it surfaced an Achoo. Oh wait, what was it called…
“Oh yeah, ‘dex.” I muttered, grabbing it from my pocket, “I forgot about this thing.”
Raichu… It informed, An Electric-Type… Pokémon that tends… to be athletic.
“Drat.” I snapped, “I was hoping it’d say it tends to the house.”
Wasting no time, the Amazing Expletive and his Raichu began to roll and flip about the ring, looking less like wrestlers and more like a circus tumbling act, possibly with clowns on fire.
“Alright, think.” I formulated a plan, “What should one do in a wrestling match?”
The Amazing Expletive flipped in front of me, and leapt by, kicking me in the jaw before he resumed flipping about. I fell to the mat, dazed and throbbing. “Maybe not standing still would be an excellent start.” My plan had its first instruction all laid out.
Raichu sprang high into the air and splashed onto my gut, crackling with electricity that zapped me for a moment, before it rolled off and got back to its tumbling act.
“Son of a bitch, electric rats are falling from the sky.” I grumbled, twitching.

I sat up, and watched as the Amazing Expletive had scooped up Leaaves and Lido and planted them atop each shoulder. He flipped forward once again, crushing them under his weight.
“Ooh, that’s a rolling fireman carry!” I told a horrified Klepto, “It’s pretty neat, except for the fact that it appears to have killed our chums.”
Leaves and Lido lay on the mat, groaning, as the Amazing Expletive and Raichu climbed atop the turnbuckles, prepared to leap upon their targets. I had to act fast. Klepto had to act faster.
I plucked the Natu from his place perched atop the rope, and threw him at the Amazing Expletive with all my might. The latter was knocked onto the floor outside of the ring, and was eliminated from the match. Quite literally, as he inexplicably blew up into a million pieces. Being a professional wrestler was a dangerous business.

Raichu leapt from its place off the turnbuckle, and I caught it in mid-air, raising it above my head proudly.
“Look guys,” I grinned, “I’m a pretty good wrestler, eh?” The Raichu quickly chomped down onto my thumb, and I dropped it to the mat, shaking my hand in pain.
“You little bastard!!” I cried, “It BIT me! It didn’t reverse the move! It didn’t counter the move! IT FRIGGIN’ BIT MEEEEEE!” Raichu propped itself against the ropes, and launched itself at me headfirst.
“Not this time…” I snarled, and just before it hit me, I tried a fun new tactic; I punched it in the head. It flew off, sporting a massive bruise, before landing somewhere off in the distance.
“Booyeah!” I grinned, as Leaves, Klepto and Lido picked themselves up.
“It isn’t over yet!” a new challenger declared, climbing into the ring. He was bald, and had an intense, but somehow goofy, look on his face. He looked like some sort of Olympian, and his grand red leotard was adorned with a Canadian flag.
“I’m Dane Perspective!” he shouted, “Your Canadian hero!” he pointed his fingers to the air, and red and white pyros fired off about the ring.
“So where are your medals?” I asked.
“I’m a Canadian Olympian, I don’t have any.” He replied simply, as he released a Pokémon of his own, in this case a Meanchalk.
Machoke. The ‘dex stated, apparently reading my incorrect thoughts. The picture of the Machoke on the Pokédex had the weird CD-like things lodged in its head like Machop before it, but the one before me had none.
“Good god!” I gasped, “It’s a bald Machoke!” I looked down at my Pokémon, “Relevance? None.”

Dane and Machoke ambled towards us, and I tried to formulate my sweet new wrestling tactics.
“Don’t worry, team,” I reassured my Pokémon, “These guys don’t look nearly as fast as those first two. What could wusses like them do?” I looked back up, only to find that both opponents were gone. Before I could figure out where they had snuck off to, I was answered in a rather physical way; with Dane coming up behind me, locking his arms around my stomach, and tossing me backwards across the ring.
“More than a wuss like me could do, apparently.” I said with a sigh. Leaves and Klepto scrambled by my side, leaving Lido at the mercy of the opponents. They tossed her about in various suplexes, before Machoke picked her up and slammed her headfirst into the mat.
“Ack!” I flinched, “A piledriver! Those are illegal, aren’t they? Where’s the ref??” Machoke paused for a moment, before reaching under the ring and grabbing a black and white striped shirt, which he immediately put on.
“Oh, there he is, destroying my Pokémon.” I groaned, “I hate refs.”
The slightly biased ref kicked Lido out of the ring, then set his sights on us.

I started to back away, but Dane grabbed me by the foot, pulling me so that I fell to the mat. He then started to twist it in an impolite direction.
“Gaaaaaaaaaah!” I wailed. I slithered towards the ropes, but he pulled me back to the centre of the ring, and put on the pressure. “This feels unpleasant!” I declared.
Leaves and Klepto darted about the ring, trying to escape the unwelcome advances of Machoke, as I felt my ankle begin to crack in ways it never had before.
I felt the urge to tap out or pass out, but something came to me. A longshot, but no doubt worth it.
“Hey Machoke, you lousy excuse for a ref!” I shouted, and it looked at me, “You’re not so tough! I bet you couldn’t point at yourself and Dean Perspective here, and then point flamboyantly outwards!” Furious at this challenge, Machoke did just that. He grinned proudly, before he and Dean exploded as the Amazing Expletive had before.
Leaves and Klepto looked at me, dumbfounded, as I rubbed and shook my ankle. “Come on, don’t you two watch any sports? When a referee points at a competitor, and then outwards, it means they’re disqualified. Neat, huh?” The two did indeed seem rather impressed at my ingenious plan, though in actuality my uncle had once told me to do just that if I was ever fighting a Machoke in a referee’s shirt and a bald Canadian Olympian. Seemed like odd advice at the time, but it sure paid off.

Two more men walked out into the ring, and paced about. One of them looked out into a non-existent crowd, and held up a microphone.
“Now listen sunshine,” he said in a tone that should be threatening, though his use of the word sunshine made it anything but, “I’m tired of all this besmirching going on! BESMIRCHING!!”
Leaves handed me a microphone, and I cut the opponent off, “Honestly? Shut up. Just… shut… up.”
The man with the microphone tried to formulate a response, but came up with nothing. “Well, then…” he muttered, “You’ve… well, you’ve just… just hurt my feelings, really.” He snivelled for a minute, and then ran out of the ring, bawling.
His partner stood there, looking back and forth. “I… hope you’ve learnt your lesson!” he said, trying to be intimidating. He milled about for a while, not really having anything to do, before shrugging and exiting the ring.

I opened my mouth to say something, but words couldn’t express the idiocy of today’s events. Fortunately, the awkward silence was interrupted by flames surrounding the ring, as a massive masked man adorned in red climbed into the ring. In one hand he held a fiery red Pokéball. In the other, he held a fiery red candy cane. For this reason, I assumed his name was… Kandy.
Saying nothing, he dropped the Pokéball to the floor, and from it emerged the large, looming figure of a fiery creature, wearing a mask like its owner.
Typhlosion… the evolved form… of the Fire-Type Quilava… It is unfriendly… and very strong… If this is not your Typhlosion… you are likely… screwed.

“Screwed, my ass!” I spat, trying to sound confident. For some reason, upon hearing that remark Leaves started to laugh his head off. Ignoring this, I dashed towards Kandy. I hit him in the chest, but alas, my fist bounced right off. I shook it in pain, and he grabbed it in his much larger hand.
“Uh, all you wanted to do is hold hands?” I said hopefully.
Kandy pulled me off my feet so that we were face to face, then wrapped his fingers around my throat.
“And hold necks?” I croaked, less hopefully. He began to wrench me about and I pounded at his arms, to no avail.
“Oh god, help me save me help me save me help me save me!” I wailed, and Leaves and Klepto began to claw and peck at Kandy’s legs as best they could. Annoyed, Kandy dropped me and picked up Klepto. Without much thought or consideration for Klepto’s feelings, he threw him with a flick of the wrist, launching him into the dirt wall.
Leaves and I crawled into a corner. “This isn’t any fun at all!” I whined, “I was always told that too much Kandy would kill, but really?” Kandy began to stride slowly towards us.
“Alright then…” I gulped, climbing onto the turnbuckle, “If it’s a fight he wants it’s a fight he’ll get!” I leapt at Kandy, only to land right back into the throat lock he had on me before. He flung me over his shoulder, and I whimpered as I flew towards the ropes.
“I said fight, not flight!!” I cried as I bounced off the ropes, skidding across the mat. Kandy then took Leaves by the throat, and despite the Bulb-is-sore’s best efforts, he couldn’t escape his grasp. Kandy marched slowly, practically ritualistically up to the top of the turnbuckle, ready to slam Leaves out of the ring.
I leapt up and raced in their direction. I didn’t know what my plan was, and as such, did the first thing that sprang to mind. I raised my arms and pushed Kandy like a two-year-old. He stumbled for a moment, before falling to the floor clumsily.
“And I now, I feel lamer than that biting Raichu.” I said with a sigh, “Didn’t hit him, nor kick him, nor yell ‘boo’ and make him jump off in fright. I pushed the guy! I feel like less of a man… and more like some big old pushy thingy.”
I looked across the ring, and only then recalled that Typhlosion was there, standing menacingly in the corner, watching our every move. I gulped, and approached it slowly. It just eyed me, practically daring me in its inactivity. This would be a good time for some dramatic western tune. I got right in the Typholosion’s masked face. Its breath was as heavy as mine as we squared off. Now was the time to be brave.
I lifted my fist, and, with one last deep breath, I hit it right in the face. It stumbled backwards, and flashed a bright white. It seemed to ripple and sway for a moment, before instantly shrinking and transforming into a tiny pink blob.
Ditto… a Normal-Type Pokémon… that utilizes the ability… to transform.
It looked up at me, and I grinned wickedly. I lifted my foot and stamped on it, splatting it and sending enough of it out of the ring to be considered eliminated. I wiped off my shoe, which unfortunately was now covered in Ditto.

“That was five executives, right?” I said with glee, as my Pokémon clambered back into the ring, nursing their injuries, “That means I win, right?”
“Oh no no no, not so fast.” A gruff voice stated. I turned around, and saw an older man standing before us, Cubone tied up and hanging off his neck like some bizarre Pokémon necktie.
“Who are you?” I said with a gulp, “And what are you doing with Cubone?”
“I’m the owner and commissioner of the FOE, Christmas Jonathan!” he replied, raising a clenched fist in a threatening gesture.
“Please, sir…” I said weakly, “Just give me back my Cubone… show me some Christmas spirit!”
“Never!” he snarled, “It’s MINE now!”
“Why are you doing this?” I cried.
“Because I’m evil!” he snarled.
“Why are you evil?” I asked.
“Because I’m angry!” he replied.
“Why are you angry?” I queried.
“Because they cancelled Dragnet!” he bellowed, raising his arms to the air as his voice echoed off the cavernous walls. He looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes, “You can never defeat me… I’m a very important man; you lay one finger on me, and YOU’RE FIRED!”
“Oh no! Fired!” I gasped, “…Hang on, I don’t work for you, fire me from what?”
“A cannon!” Jonathan roared.
“Uh, ok.” I muttered, “Well then, if I can’t lay a finger on you, I’ll have to beat you some other way.”
“Oh yeah?” Jonathan chuckled, strutting up to me confidently, “And what’s that?”
“Cheating!” I shouted, “PLAN B!” I dropped to my hands and knees, and Leaves leapt off my back. He took a swipe at Jonathan with the brass knux, and as he connected, Jonathan went blurry. The whole room then flickered and went wavy.
“What the?” I gulped, looking about frantically, “Leaves, I think you hit him wrong, or something.” There was a bright flash, and I tried to figure out what it was. I squinted, and it became clearer, until I realised that I was staring directly into the sun. I shook my aching head, and gazed around. Leaves, Cubone, Klepto, Lido and I were sitting about the rock under the shady tree, and hovering above was a… something.
Haunter… said the Pokédex, A Ghost-Type that… loves playing tricks. It likes to invade the minds of others, and… can create… illusions of things… that are not really there.
“Illusions?” I muttered. The Haunter cackled, and floated away. My Pokémon started to clear their heads as they realised where they were.
“But… but but…” I gasped, “How could it make us think there was a treadmill? And an HQ? And how come those apparently fictional beatings actually hurt? And how come Klepto was affected DESPITE BEING A PSYCHIC-TYPE?”
Taking in all these queries, the Pokédex screen went blank for a moment, then formulated a message.

All plot inconsistencies must be forwarded to Nintendo, Pty Ltd.

I groaned loudly. “Come on guys, we’ve gotta go.” I sighed, rubbing my head and starting towards the building we had been heading for. After such an ordeal, I was seriously vexed. Next time I watch Ghostbusters, it’ll be with a newfound respect for the services Bill Murray is doing for the community.

[Sike Saner]

I have to say, I was definitely not expecting Buffy's gym to be not a Pokémon gym, but just... a gym. XD That was a great surprise. I also found the less-than-honest ways that Tony achieved victory in that gym to be entertaining. XD

I liked the janitor-song in the latest chapter. Speaking of that chapter, The Amazing Expletive is the best character name EVER. XD And yes, I consider TAE a character even though he was just a Haunter illusion--that the whole FOE thing and the wrestling matches and all was just the result of a Haunter frelling with Tony and company was another awesome surprise.

Highlights, or A Long List of Things I Happened to Find Especially Funny

“Alright! Starting from now Leaves, I am a Pokémon Breeder!!” I pointed forward powerfully, “Now go forth, Leaves… AND BREED!”
However, Leaves didn’t budge. Made it kinda hard to breed Pokémon that wouldn’t cooperate. It was especially awkward that I had pointed in the direction of some young lass who upon hearing my demand ran away in shock.

“I should stick with something simple.” I reasoned, “I should become a Pokémon Professor! I’m smart enough to do that, right?”
Leaves’ response was a fit of uncontrollable laughter, leaving me to frown in disdain.

“Ooh…” I said gleefully, “We’re in luck!” Leaves let go of my arm, and a burst of blood began to stream from it. “Ooh…” I said less gleefully, “That luck ran out quick.” Regardless, I shook off the pain (literally, resulting in everyone in a three-foot radius to be sprayed with blood) and took briskly after the group of teens, trying my best to avoid them noticing me. In retrospect, I don’t know why I didn’t want them to notice me. Stalking just seemed like the fun thing to do.

Before long, they reached a massive blue tent that had the word ‘gym’ displayed above its entry flap. I was shocked I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but in my defence, it was a damned tent; somebody could’ve set it up just twenty minutes ago.

I marched as confidently and dramatically as I could through the flap, but alas, failed to capture anyone’s attention, as all I had done was walk into a tent. Just like everyone else in this blasted city.

“Oww!!” I whined, “My treadmill is broken… How am I supposed to use it if the track keeps moving? Honestly!!”

“How dare you call me a twerp, you… You…” I slowed to a halt when I noted that this bloke was 6’4’’ and full of muscles, to the point where my finger had gotten lodged between his massive pectorals. With some effort, I pulled it out, only to have it pulled back, this time by a mound of hair on his chest.

“You shouldn’t play with the big boys if you ain’t ready.” He muttered, yanking my hand free with his own hand, which looked like it could crush Cloysters, if he felt the need.
“We’re not playing with the big boys…” I said sheepishly, “We’re just playing near the big boys, see?” I pointed at my Pokémon, who were all cowering behind the equipment, except Lido who was still running along, blissfully unaware, “No big boys here. Just soft, innocent little boys.”
“Ahh, good.” He continued, taking a step forward, “I like little boys…”

There was a shout from the other side of the gym, and our heads instantly turned in that direction, as did the man’s oversized nipples.

“Hey there, kiddo.” She said, offering me a sweaty hand to shake, “The name’s Buffy. What’s yours?” I took a look at her hand, not exactly wanting to shake it.
“My name is Tony.” I said mournfully, “And this man likes little boys.”
Buffy instantly turned her attention towards the big guy, who backed away sheepishly, professing innocence.
“We were just kidding around, I swear, Buff…” he said in a panicky voice, but she would have none of it. She ran up to him, drove her knee into his gut, and then scooped him up and flung him right through the ceiling. I cringed as I heard him land with a thud outside.

She grabbed my arm and led me over, while I tried my best to look blind. That is, I closed my eyes tightly and reached my other arm out and touched everything I could find. I inadvertently touched Buffy’s rear twice, and it felt like there was more muscle in her butt than in my entire body.

An image of Klepto splatted under the barbell. Reps – not many.

My team scrambled across as I tried to lift the barbell up to hand it to Lido. Tragically, it appeared as though I couldn’t even get it off its resting place, it felt like it was nine bazillion tonnes. I looked at the weights on the end, and it read 200 kg. I had no idea what the hell a ‘kg’ was, so I could only assume it was gym-speak for nine bazillion tonnes.

Leaves and Cubone had gotten up onto the bench, but unfortunately, their arms weren’t any longer than Lido’s. The three of them hopped about, stretching out and trying to grab the barbell. Cubone flung his bone at it, which only resulted in a tragic clanging sound.

The group had reached ‘twenty-six’, and never before had I heard a more threatening and insurmountable ‘twenty-six’ in my life.

“Damn that was some fine work…” she panted, “Thirty reps! And I owe it all to my best friend… Roids!”
A scrawny man standing nearby blushed, “Nah, I didn’t do nothin’.”
“You the man, Roids.” She replied to him, giving him a high-five.

“Fair enough, so-” I turned towards my Pokémon, and leapt back in shock when I saw that they were all in football uniform, “Ack! How in the hell did you do that??” They looked about at each other and shrugged. “Whatever. Now then, who here knows how to play football?”

“I’ll be playing quarterback. As in, if you all suck and I need a refund, I’ll get my quarters back.”
I looked over at my team. “Lido, you’re fully behind me, right? You’ll play fullback, then. And Cubone, you’re standing in the middle, so it makes sense for you to be the center. Klepto, you’re half as good as Lido, so you play halfback. And Leaves, you play wide receiver, ‘cause you’re the fat guy.” He snarled in response, hopping about like the wide fella he was.

“SET!” I called, and my Pokémon all got into the ready position, “Blue nineteen! Red ninety-eight! Cubone!! Your number is 69! Hehehe…” I reached out to grab the ball, “HIKE!!” I grabbed the ball from Cubone and ran back. The rest of my Pokémon stood there, bemused.

“Lido!” I commanded, “Run a post route, and I’ll hit you with the ball. Got it?” She nodded, and quickly ran the same route that Leaves had. I threw the ball with perfect spiral, and sure enough, it hit Lido. Right in the face. She rolled to a stop and laid there, twitching.

I winced as the ball landed square into the eyehole of his helmet and lodged itself in there. He scrambled around in a panic, then collapsed into the endzone, the football sticking out from his helmet like some kind of sick, leather arrow fired by a tribal John Madden.

“TOUCHDOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!” I looked over at Leaves, who was standing near the balls, “Gimme a ball! I want the extra point!” Leaves plucked up a ball and rolled it onto the field. I kicked it up, and it sailed through the uprights, making an odd sound of ‘Natuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…’ …Perhaps it was leaking?

“You’ve done well to get this far…” Buffy said suddenly, “You were throwing especially accurate passes for a blind man.”
“Oops.” I muttered, forgetting to maintain my blind guise, “What did you say, sonny?”

“Not many people get to the third test…” she said quietly.
“What about that guy who was here earlier? He made it to this test.” I muttered, “I didn’t see him doing the first two tests, either.”
“We’re sleeping together.” Buffy replied simply, and I now pondered how much time I could’ve saved if she would’ve just slept with this poor, blind soul.

She was still sweating profusely, though this seemed less from effort, more from the fact that she always seemed to be sweating profusely. You could’ve given a small village its water supply from that woman’s body.

“Leaves! Keep fighting! Keep dancing… Keep loving!!” I shrieked out instructions that ranged between pointless and annoying, but his little elbow was starting to give out, and his arm was nearly pressed against the table. I had gone through too much nonsense to lose now, and in desperation, I began punching Buffy frantically in the arm. Though sweat flew from her with each hit, she was hardly flinching.

“Hahaha!” I cackled, “So wits triumph over muscle. And there’s none wittier than Tony Cha-” I leant against the table, and my sweat-laden hand slipped up and I crashed onto the floor. “Oww…”

I looked at Leaves in disbelief, who looked back up with a similar glance. “You’re kidding me!!” I took a sour look at my certificate, and then up at Buffy, “Well could ya at least tell me where the actual Pokémon gym is?”
“I could…” Buffy said in an odd tone I hadn’t heard before, as she danced her finger along my shoulder, “If you would maybe just… tickle me a little more… I kinda liked it…”
At that, I took my leave. And that leave was tearing out of the gym terrified, with Buffy and Leaves close behind, then my other Pokémon following after us, and finally the other gym patrons running behind, chanting ‘Chaoww, Chaoww!’

“Unnnnnggggh…” I whined, “All this looking sucks! Why can’t I just have a Pokémon that I can ride around and make it do all the walking?” I gazed accusingly at Cubone. “That’s it, I command you to be a Rapidash!” I snarled, and his eyes widened. After a brief pause, he began attempting to turn into a Rapidash. And though he looked slightly more horse-like as the moments went on, this advanced form of self-alchemy seemed to be getting us nowhere.

In parades you’ll find
Me behind. I shook my booty about, to symbolise the behind nature of the janitor’s plight.

Next time I see a snowman, I’ll steal his nose and EAT IT.

“We’re… on some trippy-ass treadmill?” I wailed, “We haven’t been going forward at all!” Upon this declaration, the ground dipped over a bit, and a hole opened up nearby in the centre of this dip.
“Crap!” I gagged, “I think I hurt it’s treadmilly feelings!”

“Dude…” I groaned, holding my neck, “That sucked!”

As if on cue, to add to the suckiness, a cage dropped down on top of us, as the silhouette of a large man began to walk from the darkness.

He stepped into the light, and I took him in. He was wearing nothing but elbow pads, black boots and a frightening pair of black Speedo’s.

You can’t scare me; I’ve already crossed paths with two muscular men and one muscular woman who was possibly also a man!

“Don’t mess with us, Cubone…” he snarled (appropriate and slightly amusing since his surname is Snarler)

“As for you, we have you right where we want you!”
“In an oversized cage with three frightened and disoriented animals?” I replied.
“Uh… yeah. Exactly.”

After a boring and lengthy argument about which end of the shovel to use, the two had dug a hole.

“Now you’re gonna drown!” one of them guffawed as he walked away, “’Cause you can’t breathe underwater!”
“Really?” the other gasped in amazement as he turned on the water and left as well.

Avast! I mean, alas!

My Pokémon exchanged insults no doubt directed at me, and I shook my fist at them.
“Well if y’all are so smart, how come none of you escaped through the bars of the cage which were apparently wide enough for Cubone and Snarler’s massive arm to reach through, hmm??” They didn’t have an answer for that one.

Raichu… It informed, An Electric-Type… Pokémon that tends… to be athletic.
“Drat.” I snapped, “I was hoping it’d say it tends to the house.”

I plucked the Natu from his place perched atop the rope, and threw him at the Amazing Expletive with all my might. The latter was knocked onto the floor outside of the ring, and was eliminated from the match. Quite literally, as he inexplicably blew up into a million pieces.

Raichu leapt from its place off the turnbuckle, and I caught it in mid-air, raising it above my head proudly.
“Look guys,” I grinned, “I’m a pretty good wrestler, eh?” The Raichu quickly chomped down onto my thumb, and I dropped it to the mat, shaking my hand in pain.
“You little bastard!!” I cried, “It BIT me! It didn’t reverse the move! It didn’t counter the move! IT FRIGGIN’ BIT MEEEEEE!”

Raichu propped itself against the ropes, and launched itself at me headfirst.
“Not this time…” I snarled, and just before it hit me, I tried a fun new tactic; I punched it in the head.

He replied simply, as he released a Pokémon of his own, in this case a Meanchalk.
Machoke. The ‘dex stated, apparently reading my incorrect thoughts.

The picture of the Machoke on the Pokédex had the weird CD-like things lodged in its head like Machop before it, but the one before me had none.
“Good god!” I gasped, “It’s a bald Machoke!” I looked down at my Pokémon, “Relevance? None.”

“Ack!” I flinched, “A piledriver! Those are illegal, aren’t they? Where’s the ref??” Machoke paused for a moment, before reaching under the ring and grabbing a black and white striped shirt, which he immediately put on.
“Oh, there he is, destroying my Pokémon.” I groaned, “I hate refs.”
The slightly biased ref kicked Lido out of the ring, then set his sights on us.

I slithered towards the ropes, but he pulled me back to the centre of the ring, and put on the pressure. “This feels unpleasant!” I declared.

“Hey Machoke, you lousy excuse for a ref!” I shouted, and it looked at me, “You’re not so tough! I bet you couldn’t point at yourself and Dean Perspective here, and then point flamboyantly outwards!” Furious at this challenge, Machoke did just that. He grinned proudly, before he and Dean exploded as the Amazing Expletive had before.
Leaves and Klepto looked at me, dumbfounded, as I rubbed and shook my ankle. “Come on, don’t you two watch any sports? When a referee points at a competitor, and then outwards, it means they’re disqualified. Neat, huh?” The two did indeed seem rather impressed at my ingenious plan, though in actuality my uncle had once told me to do just that if I was ever fighting a Machoke in a referee’s shirt and a bald Canadian Olympian. Seemed like odd advice at the time, but it sure paid off.

“Now listen sunshine,” he said in a tone that should be threatening, though his use of the word sunshine made it anything but, “I’m tired of all this besmirching going on! BESMIRCHING!!”

Leaves handed me a microphone, and I cut the opponent off, “Honestly? Shut up. Just… shut… up.”
The man with the microphone tried to formulate a response, but came up with nothing. “Well, then…” he muttered, “You’ve… well, you’ve just… just hurt my feelings, really.” He snivelled for a minute, and then ran out of the ring, bawling.
His partner stood there, looking back and forth. “I… hope you’ve learnt your lesson!” he said, trying to be intimidating. He milled about for a while, not really having anything to do, before shrugging and exiting the ring.

Typhlosion… the evolved form… of the Fire-Type Quilava… It is unfriendly… and very strong… If this is not your Typhlosion… you are likely… screwed.

“Screwed, my ass!” I spat, trying to sound confident. For some reason, upon hearing that remark Leaves started to laugh his head off.

“And I now, I feel lamer than that biting Raichu.” I said with a sigh, “Didn’t hit him, nor kick him, nor yell ‘boo’ and make him jump off in fright. I pushed the guy! I feel like less of a man… and more like some big old pushy thingy.”

“But… but but…” I gasped, “How could it make us think there was a treadmill? And an HQ? And how come those apparently fictional beatings actually hurt? And how come Klepto was affected DESPITE BEING A PSYCHIC-TYPE?”
Taking in all these queries, the Pokédex screen went blank for a moment, then formulated a message.

All plot inconsistencies must be forwarded to Nintendo, Pty Ltd.

This remains one of the most entertaining comedy fics I've read. Keep up the boss work.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

Heh, I finally caught up with this; I remember reading it some time ago, but the elapsed time since, plus the new-new chapters sprouting like mushrooms, make it a whole fresh read!

Even though the above poster (^) is best at quoting all the good stuff *awards said user for it*, I'll try my best.

Minty Thrill

Of course, you just need to love Tony's pro-non-CIA-tion issues.
It's made me wonder how he'd call the newest trios o' starters. My guess is, he'd probably dub them Creepo, Gore Chick and Butt Trip, and Bird Wig, Chic Car and Pitt Luv, or something. ;o

“We have to go inside now.” Mr. Bunkit declared finally, “We will say goodbye to you and hope you have very pleasant dreams.” They didn’t turn as they backed up into their apartment, and I couldn’t make out any hands reaching out towards the doorknob. It just kinda swung closed as though on its own accord.

They remind me of the DCFDTL from the KND series, though those kids are based on some other creepy children too, it seems.

... I'm sure there's other wackiness I could address, such as what 'Blond Chick' Gum's reaction would be if Tony sent her Lido back with a note saying "I only threw a Moon Stone at her and suddenly she's big as a house!", 'specially since she's only supposed to be three and a half years old or something.

Seriously dude, keep it up! I would laugh my buttocks off at this story, it was in my capabilities (for now, I'll leave that to Tony to try).

[Drago]

Sike Saner: Hehe, I don't know where The Amazing Expletive came from... In the original story, his name was Rob Van Bleep. I prefer TAE though. And I love the name Christmas Jonathan! Reading through the quotes you provided, I'm trying to figure out what was with all the creepy sexual innuendo of chapter 14. I think it's pretty funny, though.
Crystalmaster Mike: Good golly, welcome back into the fold!! It's great to have people back, even greater that you managed to catch up on the whole thing, new chapters and all! I love the Pokemon starters' names that you listed, and it reminds me that the first Treecko I ever had, I named Freako. Hehe.
Additionally, never watched KND but scoured the net for material on the DCFDTL (Delightful Children from Down the Lane... lol), and can definitely understand the vibe you're getting... I wonder if perhaps everyone makes characters based on the Bunkits?

So yeah, slightly late chapter! *dances* Famous for having an assload of 'time-shifting' star chapter breaks. Incidentally, you ever searched for Minty Thrill on Google or Yahoo? I wouldn't bother; there's just a lot of green smoothies and slightly naughty material on there.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Sixteenth
Flesh, Brains and a Side of Fries

“So close….” I wheezed, my voice weak and drawn out across each labouring step, “And yet… so far I can’t be stuffed to walk any more!” At that, I fell to the hard ground. The gym looked like it’d take another twenty minutes to get to. Twenty minutes I didn’t have. Or did have, but didn’t want to give away to such a cause. Sort of like donating to charity.
“Buuuuuulb…” Leaves mumbled in annoyance, nudging at me me.
“I will not get up!” I snapped, swatting him away, “This ground is delightful! It makes me feel like a new man! A new, dirty man!”
Lido and Klepto began hopping up and down impatiently, as Cubone looked on, a worried expression across his face. He seemed to be the only one concerned for me. Typical.
“I can’t go on…” I gagged, “How could this be winter? I see no snow! I don’t even see any rain!” Cubone nodded dutifully, turned on the walkman and started doing a strange little dance. After a couple seconds, a light drizzle of rain fell from the sky.
“That’s nice…” I said cheerily, turning my face towards the sky. Cubone looked pretty pleased with himself, and started dancing again. The rain came down a little harder, and I stuck my tongue out to catch a few drops.
“Quite relieving.” I said warmly, “Thanks, Cubone.” Encouraged, Cubone proceeded to do an insane jig that involved much flipping and a heavy air guitar riff. By the end he was panting, but the rain had actually stopped falling.
I squinted up towards the cloudy sky.
“Where’d it go?” I muttered, confused, until I spotted a single raindrop falling fast. I smiled, until I noticed that as the raindrop drew closer, it appeared to be quite large. Roughly the size of a pine tree, in fact, and certainly enough to crush us upon impact. A frown crossed my face as it rocketed towards us, my Pokémon frantically scattering in all directions.
“Aww Hölle…” I groaned, before it crashed down with immense force, knocking me out so cold I was downright frigid.
********************************
Light… bright light… really bright light… Ack!
“Someone turned that damned light off!” I groaned, shaking my head and focussing on my whereabouts. I was on a couch in someone’s cabin; the only way I could get into people’s houses was through heavy injury, apparently.
An old man saw me stir, and approached me. He had goggle-like glasses that were two sizes too big, a twisted, jack-o-lantern-like smile and fluffy tufts of grey hair scattered across his balding scalp. Such a grand description! Thorough reading of Cat in the Hat really pays off.
“Hello,” he said in a weak, scratchy voice, “My, it’s good to see you looking spritely. I’m Professor Punchinello, and this is my humble abode. Tell me son, who might you be?”
“I might be Tony. I might also be Randall Fillipstein, but that’s only if the paperwork clears up.” I replied, rubbing my head wearily, “But tell me Punchy, would you happen to have a daughter a quarter your age, completely devoid of your looks and willing to discover the real seven wonders of the world?”
“’Fraid not.” The professor replied, “Just me and my faithful Pokémon.”
“Dammit!” I snapped, “Why is it that I only seem to run into old men on this journey? Did two-thirds of the population take an interest in old man soup, despite its side effects? Did everyone young and frisky decide to rocket off to some strange galaxy, leaving me alone here on the planet of the old apes? Or are you just holding out on me, Mr. Punch, are you just holding out on me…”
He straightened his glasses with a frown, “None of the above I say, I just prefer to work alone.” He adjusted his coat proudly, “I am the Pokémon God you know.”
“O almighty elderly god-man with Pokéminions to change his bedpan…” I scoffed, “Why’d you bring me here, you lousy, good-for-nothing, beady-eyed, foul-smelling, William H. Macy-looking, and otherwise non-partygoing coot?!” I paused for a moment, slightly bemused by my own words, “…And why exactly am I so infuriated with you?”

He chortled lightly, not at all offended, “I’m afraid that’s my fault.” A Pokémon I hadn’t noticed before hopped up onto the couch. It waved its heavy, paintbrush-like tail in a spiral, and I suddenly felt less angry. I shook my head again, trying to figure out whether it had done something magical, or I was just a big fan of paintbrushes.
“That’s why I’m the Pokémon God,” Punchinello said with a smirk, “You see, I can teach Pokémon new attacks that nobody’s ever heard of.”
“Handy little trick, that.” I mused, pointing the Pokédex at the paintbrush Pokémon.
Smeargle… a Normal-Type… Pokémon with… abnormal battling capabilities… it can copy and utilise any technique… that its opponent uses against it. There was an angry-sounding whir from the Pokédex. However… it is not… commonly used in serious battles… due to its paltry statistics.
“Huh.” I muttered, much more educated, though the ‘dex apparently had more schooling to dish out.
Personally… I… do not like… Smeargle. I find it to be… The electronic voice suddenly shot up in volume. UTTERLY STUPID AND IRRITATING AND AN OTHERWISE USELESS AND POINTLESS BEING THAT COULD NOT WIN A FIGHT IF THE OPPONENT WAS ONE-EYED, BOW-LEGGED AND HAD A SIGN AROUND ITS NECK THAT SAID, ‘I WILL LOSE!’ I THINK I COULD FIND MORE VALUE IN CAT SH-
I hastily stuffed the Pokédex in my pocket, Punchinello and Smeargle exchanging looks of shock.
“Sorry…” I said quietly, leaning forward, “My Pokédex is angry!”
“I see.” Punchinello said warily, “I’d appreciate it if you never presented that thing in front of me ever again, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“Certainly!” I said with a grin, though I had every intention of sending him one for Christmas now, “So anyway, about this Seagull, or Sméagol or whatever…”

“Ah yes,” Punchinello said beaming, regaining his confidence, “It’s a natural artist, it can emulate any technique it observes. And any technique that I create. It could solve world hunger if I knew how to create such a technique! Right now, though… I’m working on a particular skill that could save trainers millions of dollars!” he leant closer, as though this was classified information, “A Revive technique!”
“Wow!” I gasped, “This Sneerbull sure is a hoot!” I slapped it heartily on the back, and it was sent flying across the room, crashing headfirst into the wall.
“Ooh, sorry little guy.” I said, wincing, “…Hey, shouldn’t I have levelled up?”
********************************
We were gathered in the living room late that night, sitting on pillows strewn about the floor and watching Punchinello prepare Smeargle for the task at hand. It felt like an exciting sleepover atmosphere, though everyone had shot down my suggestions of telling ghost stories and discussing hot guys. Lido had fallen asleep hours ago. Cubone and Klepto watched on nervously, as Leaves laid on the couch, shaking his head. The rain outside was still heavy from Cubone’s earlier dance.
“Alright,” Punchinello said softly, “We’ll need a KO’d Pokémon.”
“Sure thing!” I replied, and bonked Klepto over the head. He keeled over onto the floor, and I smiled. “Now what?” Once again, Punchinello and Smeargle didn’t seem very impressed.

“A-anyway.” Punchinello continued, as Smeargle, clad in a skimpy tribal skirt, approached the unconscious Natu. Smeargle flung its hands up to the air, and I clapped enthusiastically, hoping it would juggle flaming torches next. It pointed at Klepto, then raised one hand, straining as though it were trying to lift him up. After a couple seconds of this, it let out a shout, and then started using both hands. It frantically shook its hands about, but to no avail. Klepto was still out.
“What a gyp.” I snorted, “It didn’t work!”

Meanwhile, nearby…
There was a gentle rustling in the dirt. A few pebbles rolled aside, and then settled. After a moment, the ground shifted again, this time with a growing bulge rising from the dirt. It grew larger and more forceful, until finally a hand shot out. A mouldy, grey hand.
The grotesque figure dragged itself out slowly, and, when it had completely surfaced, stumbled about for a moment. It hadn’t walked in years. It peered down at the large boulder that had been used as its tombstone, and quickly realised that someone, some…thing… had had the audacity to touch it. To sit upon it. Feeling the stone’s rough surface, it concluded that several things had been sleeping upon it. It looked a little way off through the rain, and sensed that the culprits had taken shelter in a nearby cabin. It didn’t like these fiends. They had defiled what was not their’s, and disrespected its owner. It trudged in the direction of the cabin, stirring up more of its kind as it ambled along. These villains had disturbed its resting place, and it wanted nothing… nothing but revenge.
********************************
I sighed in disappointment at the show they had given me, longing to have my money back, had I paid any.
“Professor Punch?” I snapped, “Your Smeargle sucks!” I spat at the floor, though only managed to launch a glob of saliva onto my foot, “Sucks like a vacuum, sir.”
“Speaking of which, I should dust around here more often.” Punchinello observed vacantly, to which Leaves, Cubone and I toppled over in annoyance.
“Funnily enough,” I said as I stood up, “I have made up a few new moves of my own. Cubone, use Super Yummy Revival.”
Cubone dutifully nodded as Punchinello watched on curiously. I reached into Cubone’s helmet, and pulled out what must’ve been the last of the smushed up berries. I proceeded to cram them down Klepto’s throat, until he couldn’t help but wake up. He coughed out some of the berries, then shot up to his feet, good as new. He looked around, and then began pecking at the berries he had just spat out.
“Oh god, that’s vile…” Punchinello groaned.
“God indeed,” I scoffed, “Just call me Tony.”

The rain started to come down heavier, and a bolt of lightning pierced the sky. The thunder roared louder each moment, and the wind seemed to be moaning as it rushed past.
“Moaning wind?” I muttered, “That’s new.”
Punchinello attempted to reassure Smeargle that it had done the best it could, and he was proud of it, and various other lies, but the struggling artist Pokémon wasn’t buying it. Frustrated, it stomped its foot and snivelled. It roared loudly, and I covered my ears, stumbling towards the door.
“Would you shut that thing up?” I yelled, “That Smeargle’s making enough noise to wake the dead!” I flung open the door, to an audience of dead, “See?” I snapped, and shut the door.
I paused for a moment. Something was rather queer about this situation. I opened the door curiously, and observed the decaying bodies, empty eye sockets and missing limbs of the dead. I was given the indication that these dead were quite dead, but not dead enough to be acting dead. Confused, I poked one in the stomach. A piece of flesh fell to the ground as I did.
“Hey, fellas.” I said, “Are you dead today?” The nearest one lifted its arms and lunged at me. I shouted, and shut the door in its face, planting myself against the door and turning pale.
“Punchinello?” I whimpered, “You’ve got visitors.”

The zombies pounded on the door, moaning and groaning. Punchinello let out a horrified gasp when he saw one peering at him through the window.
“Uhh Punchy,” I gulped as I held the door shut, “I think these things want to hurt us!”
“No,” Punchinello said in shaky sarcasm, “They want to play hopscotch with us!”
“Oh, alright then.” I muttered, and opened the door. The zombies stumbled into the cabin.
“What’re you doing?!” Punchinello wailed, tearing out of the room and downstairs toward the basement.
“What?” I grumbled, “Don’t you like hopscotch?”

Smeargle ran down after Punchinello, leaving me and my Pokémon in a room full of zombies.
“Wow.” I gulped, “This is just plain odd.” A zombie collapsed forward, clutching tightly around my leg. It opened its mouth, and nibbled at my ankle gingerly.
“Oh that’s brilliant.” I groaned, “The stupid thing is a light eater!” I looked up at my bemused Pokémon, “Guuuuuys!” I whined, “Get this thing off of me! It’s chewing my sock!!” They shrugged, and I reached into my pocket.
“Then I shall use the mightiest and most undefeated weapon in the widest of wide worlds…” I yanked it out and held it high, “The Weedle horn!!”
Leaves groaned, as Cubone applauded politely. I poked at the zombie at my feet, but it just glared at me. “Ow.” It grunted, then went right back to chewing.

I looked up as a zombie had broken in through the window, and was hovering over the sleeping Lido.
“Lido!” I gasped, “Wake up, kid!!”
But it was too late. The zombie had bitten onto Lido’s large bunny ear. She woke up in annoyed shock, and immediately chomped back at the zombie, causing it to let go of her.
“Worth a shot.” I muttered, and bit into the zombie’s scalp. It wailed as it loosened its grip, and I wrenched free victoriously. “Super!” I grinned, though my speech was muffled by a chunk of scalp that was poking out of my mouth, “Ewww… I’ve got noggin in my teeth!”
I ran down the hall, my Pokémon close behind me. I had no clue where the exits were in the house, so I dashed about randomly until I found a door I liked and pointed towards it.
“This way…” I announced, “To FREEDOM!” I proudly kicked the door down, and ran forward. Alas, it was the laundry room.
The zombies followed after us into the room, blocking off the doorway. “Wait…” I squeaked, “You can’t kill us.” I paused for a moment, “…At least, not with those filthy clothes! Perhaps you should discover the wonder and splendour of Johnson & Jackson’s brand new, easy to use washer and dryer!”
Cubone and Lido posed next to the appliances, but the zombies just pressed onward, obviously not impressed by this fabulous offer. I panted desperately as we were backed into a corner by the ghoulish posse.
“Why am I always being stalked by death?!” I wailed, “Or dead, in this case.”
They leapt at us, and I fell back into the wall. It seemed as though I was fatter than I had anticipated, because it broke under my weight, and we began sliding down a large tunnel.
“Good lord, it’s a secret passage!” I gasped, “Punchy sure has a strange cabin. I wonder if he paid extra for this?”

We landed at the bottom of the tunnel with a thud. I shook my head, and looked about. We were in a large, stone room with a couple barrels sitting about. I heard a thud from the tunnel, then what sounded like something coming down after us.
“Oh no!” I gulped, “Either someone mistook this for a laundry chute, and that’s a shirt, or they’re following us! …In which case, that would be a zombie.”
I opened a nearby door, and was met with a loud shriek. What was this, the screaming room? I peeked in, and saw Punchinello huddled in a corner. He looked up at me, and his face lightened.
“Oh, it’s you!” he gasped, “Quick, get in here with Smeargle and I!”
“No!” I shouted, “You smell funny!” I shoved him out of my way and entered the room with my Pokémon, then shut and locked the door behind us.
I heard the zombies land into the other room, and Punchinello began to wail.
“Oh god no! No! Noooooooo! Aaaaaaaaack! Stop it! No! No! Stop it! AAAAAAAGGGGGRAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!”
I gazed nervously across the room. “…Think he’s ok?”
********************************
The hours flew by as the zombies thumped on the door, unable to get into our dandy little safe room. Smeargle yawned loudly, as Leaves paced back and forth. He didn’t like being confined. He’s not a very confinable Bulb-is-sore.
Cubone was merrily listening to his walkman, and I leant over to listen.

When suddenly, to my surprise, HE DID THE MASH. He did the Monster Mash. THE MONSTER MASH-

“You’re a sick, sick man.” I said scornfully, and turned my gaze towards Klepto. He was hopping about again, each time making an irritating clicking sound against the box he was perched atop.
“Knock it off, Kleps.” I muttered, and he ceased obediently. We sat about for a moment, when all of a sudden Klepto began rolling around.
“What the hell are you doing?” I snapped, “Damn freaky bird.” He took off and fluttered about the room, clumsily landing, scanning the area and then resuming his flight.
“Nothing down here to steal, pal.” I said, resulting in Klepto frantically swooping down and snatching the Weedle horn from my pocket.
“Heeeeeey!” I whined, “That’s miiiiiiine!”
I sprung up and ran about after him. The others watched on wearily as I angrily dashed after the tiny thief. I pounced after him, and the horn shot out from his beak. It fell into an open box, and I reached in to grab it, but couldn’t find anything. I looked into the box, and saw empty darkness.
“Hang on.” I said excitedly, “There’s no bottom to this box! It’s another secret tunnel!” Smeargle perked up and ran over, looking down into the box.
“See if it’s safe.” I instructed, and chucked Smeargle down. It bellowed for a long while, until finally, I could hear it land with a sickening thud.
“Okey dokey! Who’s next?” I queried with a grin. My Pokémon backed away, as though I were some sort of maniac.

I groaned, irritated. “You guys just can’t appreciate pure genius when you see it.” I flicked the collar of my sparkly coat proudly, “And there’s no bigger genius than Tony! Tony… Tony… hang on, what was my last name?” They all collapsed, and I shrugged. “Suit yourselves. Tell the zombies I said hello.” I jumped down the tunnel, and plummeted quickly towards the bottom. I crashed down next to Smeargle, and to my shock, saw that I was in the room directly outside the previous one. …The room filled with the zombies, of cawse.
“Oh crap!” I whimpered, as the zombies lurched towards Smeargle and I, “That was unlucky nonsense.” They raised their arms, reaching out towards me. “No no no! How do you kill a zombie? Uhh… kill the summoner!”
I stared bopping Smeargle over the head. “Come on, die!” I shouted, “The only way you’ll survive is if you die!!”
I shoved Smeargle aside, and pointed the Weedle horn at the fiends. “Begone, foul beasts!” I roared, and began stabbing at them. They just kept coming, albeit with fresh new punctures, which I fear might have been speed holes.
“Help meeee!” I squealed, “I want my mommy! I want my daddy! I want my cousin! I want that guy at the gas station who calls me Rick! I want my Foxtel!”
Two zombies held me down, and the leader grabbed my hand and pulled it up violently. I squeezed my eyes shut as I prepared for the worst.
“Stay off property!”
I felt a weak slap on the wrist.

I opened my eyes slowly, and to my amazement watched the zombies as they walked away.
“Hey, guys?” I mumbled, “You forgot to eat me…”
“They couldn’t, I suppose.” A nearby voice chuckled. It was Punchinello.
“Puncho, I thought you were dead!” I said with a gasp.
“No, not at all.” He replied, ruffling slightly. “The zombies wanted vengeance on you, and they got it. The harshest punishment they could think of, thinking, of course, not being one of their strong suits.”
“Couldn’t they have just eaten my brain like every other debt collector?” I asked, and Punchinello shrugged.
“I asked them about that.” He replied, “They seemed to think that doing that would cause them to rot.”
I was about to point out that they were already rotting, but decided against it. “So I’m safe?” I said with a sigh of relief, “That’s good… But hey, you mean you actually talked to them? And what was with all that screaming when I shoved you outside?”
“The screaming?” Punchinello said absent-mindedly, “Oh yes, well that would be because I’m insane then, wouldn’t it.” He grinned widely, and there was a malicious look to him I hadn’t seen before, “And as for your safety, that all depends on the results of my next experiment.”

Smeargle re-entered the room, rolling out an operating table with various medical implements. For the first time, I noticed the stitches across the back of its head…
“N-n-next experiment?” I squeaked, “What’s that? What’re you going to do with all those sharp tools? Make a sandwich?” I laughed weakly. Punchinello and Smeargle drew closer, brandishing syringes. “Hey, you know, I bet Leaves would love to be a part of this, in fact, maybe all of it? Hehe… heh… Uhh, what’re you gonna do with that?

…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!”
********************************
“I wish you luck on your journey, m’boy!” Punchinello shouted, waving, “Don’t be a stranger, now. Perhaps you could help with even more of my experiments!”
“Smeeeeeeeeear!” Smeargle shouted happily, also waving.
I walked away uncomfortably, and continued in the dimming afternoon sun towards the gym. My Pokémon followed close behind me, shocked.
I whirled about to face them, and waggled a finger. “Not a word!” I said sharply.
We walked for a while, until I heard snickering. I angrily returned Cubone, Klepto and Lido to their Pokéballs, while Leaves resumed laughing his head off.

What absolute nonsense! I’m going to be the greatest Pokémon trainer in the world, and I don’t get the slightest bit of respect! I can’t believe this…
Oh well. When we get to the gym, I’ll show everyone what I’m capable of. I’ll show them not to mess with me! Not now, not ever!
They don’t know now… but soon… they’ll ALL know… that I am the greatest champion that has ever lived!! I thought to myself… and wagged my tail anxiously.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

ROTFLOL. Those are the best undead goofballs I've ever heard of!

And the Punchy... He reminded me of the animal doctor from 'The Animal'. Alas, I don't think Tony will get any powers or saxy girlfriend from this one, though he did end up with a monkey butt, it seems.

LOL Well, if I find more time, I'll read Tony's Times, though I fear the continuity will be lost completely if I start doing so before I end this. Not that there'd be a lot of lost continuity to mourn, anyway...

Keep it up, will you!

[EDIT:] Well, I just read Tony's Times in the archive (screw continuity! screw rationality!) and I loved every minute of it! The recurring people, the undesciferable Japanese terms! I loved how things ended up for him, the unemployed Victorious sloth. Hilarious!
Lol, I'll never have to call a PokéBall a PokéBall ever again! Sweet...

[Sike Saner]

Incidentally, you ever searched for Minty Thrill on Google or Yahoo? I wouldn't bother; there's just a lot of green smoothies and slightly naughty material on there.

Even before the chapter had begun, I was given a reason to laugh. I love that.


Anyway... that Pokédex sure had... erm, strong opinions about Smeargle. XD

And yay, zombies. Best of all was what happened when they finally got a hold of Tony and unleashed the full brunt of their vengeance upon him. Anticlimax ftw. XD

Ol' Punchinello sure turned out to be quite a surprising character in the end. I love what he did to Tony. XD

Highlights

“I will not get up!” I snapped, swatting him away, “This ground is delightful! It makes me feel like a new man! A new, dirty man!”

By the end he was panting, but the rain had actually stopped falling.
I squinted up towards the cloudy sky.
“Where’d it go?” I muttered, confused, until I spotted a single raindrop falling fast. I smiled, until I noticed that as the raindrop drew closer, it appeared to be quite large. Roughly the size of a pine tree, in fact, and certainly enough to crush us upon impact. A frown crossed my face as it rocketed towards us, my Pokémon frantically scattering in all directions.
“Aww Hölle…” I groaned, before it crashed down with immense force, knocking me out so cold I was downright frigid.

An old man saw me stir, and approached me. He had goggle-like glasses that were two sizes two big, a twisted, jack-o-lantern-like smile and fluffy tufts of grey hair scattered across his balding scalp. Such a grand description! Thorough reading of Cat in the Hat really pays off.

“Hello,” he said in a weak, scratchy voice, “My, it’s good to see you looking spritely. I’m Professor Punchinello, and this is my humble abode. Tell me son, who might you be?”
“I might be Tony. I might also be Randall Fillipstein, but that’s only if the paperwork clears up.”

“But tell me Punchy, would you happen to have a daughter a quarter your age, completely devoid of your looks and willing to discover the real seven wonders of the world?”
“’Fraid not.” The professor replied, “Just me and my faithful Pokémon.”
“Dammit!”

“I am the Pokémon God you know.”
“O almighty elderly god-man with Pokéminions to change his bedpan…” I scoffed, “Why’d you bring me here, you lousy, good-for-nothing, beady-eyed, foul-smelling, William H. Macy-looking, and otherwise non-partygoing coot?!” I paused for a moment, slightly bemused by my own words, “…And why exactly am I so infuriated with you?”

Smeargle… a Normal-Type… Pokémon with… abnormal battling capabilities… it can copy and utilise any technique… that its opponent uses against it. There was an angry-sounding whir from the Pokédex. However… it is not… commonly used in serious battles… due to its paltry statistics.
“Huh.” I muttered, much more educated, though the ‘dex apparently had more schooling to dish out.
Personally… I… do not like… Smeargle. I find it to be… The electronic voice suddenly shot up in volume. UTTERLY STUPID AND IRRITATING AND AN OTHERWISE USELESS AND POINTLESS BEING THAT COULD NOT WIN A FIGHT IF THE OPPONENT WAS ONE-EYED, BOW-LEGGED AND HAD A SIGN AROUND ITS NECK THAT SAID, ‘I WILL LOSE!’ I THINK I COULD FIND MORE VALUE IN CAT SH-

“Wow!” I gasped, “This Sneerbull sure is a hoot!” I slapped it heartily on the back, and it was sent flying across the room, crashing headfirst into the wall.
“Ooh, sorry little guy.” I said, wincing, “…Hey, shouldn’t I have levelled up?”

“Alright,” Punchinello said softly, “We’ll need a KO’d Pokémon.”
“Sure thing!” I replied, and bonked Klepto over the head. He keeled over onto the floor, and I smiled. “Now what?” Once again, Punchinello and Smeargle didn’t seem very impressed.

“Professor Punch?” I snapped, “Your Smeargle sucks!” I spat at the floor, though only managed to launch a glob of saliva onto my foot, “Sucks like a vacuum, sir.”
“Speaking of which, I should dust around here more often.” Punchinello observed vacantly, to which Leaves, Cubone and I toppled over in annoyance.

“Funnily enough,” I said as I stood up, “I have made up a few new moves of my own. Cubone, use Super Yummy Revival.”
Cubone dutifully nodded as Punchinello watched on curiously. I reached into Cubone’s helmet, and pulled out what must’ve been the last of the smushed up berries. I proceeded to cram them down Klepto’s throat, until he couldn’t help but wake up. He coughed out some of the berries, then shot up to his feet, good as new. He looked around, and then began pecking at the berries he had just spat out.
“Oh god, that’s vile…” Punchinello groaned.
“God indeed,” I scoffed, “Just call me Tony.”

“Uhh Punchy,” I gulped as I held the door shut, “I think these things want to hurt us!”
“No,” Punchinello said in shaky sarcasm, “They want to play hopscotch with us!”
“Oh, alright then.” I muttered, and opened the door. The zombies stumbled into the cabin.
“What’re you doing?!” Punchinello wailed, tearing out of the room and downstairs toward the basement.
“What?” I grumbled, “Don’t you like hopscotch?”

“Then I shall use the mightiest and most undefeated weapon in the widest of wide worlds…” I yanked it out and held it high, “The Weedle horn!!”
Leaves groaned, as Cubone applauded politely. I poked at the zombie at my feet, but it just glared at me. “Ow.” It moaned, then went right back to chewing.

I opened a nearby door, and was met with a loud shriek. What was this, the screaming room? I peeked in, and saw Punchinello huddled in a corner. He looked up at me, and his face lightened.
“Oh, it’s you!” he gasped, “Quick, get in here with Smeargle and I!”
“No!” I shouted, “You smell funny!”

“You’re a sick, sick man.” I said scornfully, and turned my gaze towards Klepto. He was hopping about again, each time making an irritating clicking sound against the box he was perched atop.
“Knock it off, Kleps.” I muttered, and he ceased obediently. We sat about for a moment, when all of a sudden Klepto began rolling around.
“What the hell are you doing?” I snapped, “Damn freaky bird.” He took off and fluttered about the room, clumsily landing, scanning the area and then resuming his flight.
“Nothing down here to steal, pal.” I said, resulting in Klepto frantically swooping down and snatching the Weedle horn from my pocket.
“Heeeeeey!” I whined, “That’s miiiiiiine!”

“Hang on.” I said excitedly, “There’s no bottom to this box! It’s another secret tunnel!” Smeargle perked up and ran over, looking down into the box.
“See if it’s safe.” I instructed, and chucked Smeargle down. It bellowed for a long while, until finally, I could hear it land with a sickening thud.
“Okey dokey! Who’s next?” I queried with a grin. My Pokémon backed away, as though I were some sort of maniac.

“No no no! How do you kill a zombie? Uhh… kill the summoner!”
I stared bopping Smeargle over the head. “Come on, die!” I shouted, “The only way you’ll survive is if you die!!”

I shoved Smeargle aside, and pointed the Weedle horn at the fiends. “Begone, foul beasts!” I roared, and began stabbing at them. They just kept coming, albeit with fresh new punctures, which I fear might have been speed holes.

“Help meeee!” I squealed, “I want my mommy! I want my daddy! I want my cousin! I want that guy at the gas station who calls me Rick! I want my Foxtel!”
Two zombies held me down, and the leader grabbed my hand and pulled it up violently. I squeezed my eyes shut as I prepared for the worst.
“Stay off property!”
I felt a weak slap on the wrist.

“That’s good… But hey, you mean you actually talked to them? And what was with all that screaming when I shoved you outside?”
“The screaming?” Punchinello said absent-mindedly, “Oh yes, well that would be because I’m insane then, wouldn’t it.” He grinned widely, and there was a malicious look to him I hadn’t seen before, “And as for your safety, that all depends on the results of my next experiment.”

Smeargle re-entered the room, rolling out an operating table with various medical implements. For the first time, I noticed the stitches across the back of its head…
“N-n-next experiment?” I squeaked, “What’s that? What’re you going to do with all those sharp tools? Make a sandwich?” I laughed weakly. Punchinello and Smeargle drew closer, brandishing syringes. “Hey, you know, I bet Leaves would love to be a part of this, in fact, maybe all of it? Hehe… heh… Uhh, what’re you gonna do with that?

…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!”

They don’t know now… but soon… they’ll ALL know… that I am the greatest champion that has ever lived!! I thought to myself… and wagged my tail anxiously.

Looking forward to seeing more of the adventures of Tony (and his new tail XD)! ^^