Again as with Hinoryu I didn't think this was your strongest. There were a few things I noted while reading it, but I'll save the good points till the end.

-I'm dissapointed with the way Shadow's become a de-facto female by Ch4 when she had such vigor and spunk so recently. Looking at her I find few differences between her and Lisa from Pokemonese, save for the odd quip. Draw on her characteristics a bit more and change the dynamic, it will be much more interesting.

-Lisa's role seems like a Wikipedia of the Poke-universe, and having her instantly recognize everything can be a bit patronizing. Let us figure some things out.

-I did really like the way you played the Order attacks, the weakness was a good twist that worked well.

-I didn't get any feel of a jungle or insectoid land. There was no description really, other than it was 'dense'. What about the heat? The exotic plants? The atmosphere? Would the hive not be really close inland? If it was, the journey there was a few lines long. Maybe draw out the journey to the place, build the tension up. All these environments allow for such a change in vibrant atmosphere but we can't get that sense of journey if every single place is the same.

-Jessie's story fell a bit flat. You introduced Grasp, and within the next few lines already told us the high-and-mighty ruler wasn't the ruler. He was being manipulated. It was so quick and sudden I immediately disregarded his character. I knew nothing about him. Imagine portraying him as a strong leader, only to have it emerge chapters later that Jesse's using his company as a front. It would work well, a classic plot twist. You've got to play with expectations and concepts, otherwise the story becomes more of a script that we're reading. There's no depth to it.

-The power-play between the leader of Grasp and Jesse might be interesting. I look forward to it.

-Does nobody have guns? I find it odd criminal masterminds have pokemon battles and use them to dispute.

-The ongoing comment about everything feeling in-game rose up; Pokeblock and Pofin, the feebas story, and constant charting attacks as 'the most powerful' makes it feel so mechanic. In life, it's down to the individuals power, not how something ranks. A highly trained Machamp's mega punch will be stronger than a Sudowoodo's cross chop. It is more muscled, more trained. Otherwise I feel emmersed in a Pokedex.

-I was OK with Vespiquen's talking. It's such a humanesque Pokemon I liked it. Having just one leader was odd though....is a single Guardian enough? By the speed this fic is progressing, apparently not.

-I had more to say but I can't quite remember it to be honest. Work on description: things like 'A DBZ-style attack' or 'an expensive looking room' are very very cheap ways to try and convey a mood. Let us use our senses; does it smell of rich mahogany? Is it cold? What colours are in the room, what sense or atmosphere is created?


I think overall you're spending too much time focusing on getting the fic up. It's ok to write different drafts of your fic and cut stuff, re-write things or add new material in. I'd rather wait an extra week for a chapter if it was given more attention and thought. I know, being a writer, there's so much pressure sometimes to try and deliver a fic to a waiting audience - but as a reader, I'm telling you I can wait a little longer

Can't belive it's only been 4 chapters. Anyway, speak next chapter!