Game: Whack-a-TPMer v.2 M. A. T_M_L

[Crazy Elf Boy]

*Runs over to Blademaster with a grenade*

*Pulls out a knife and makes a slit in his gut*

*Pulls out pin of the grenade and lobs it in there*

*and with his amazing powers of sewing, stiches back up the hole and runs away*

"HAHAHAHAHA eat my 'nade Blade"

**LOL rhymes**

*Watches as Blademaster is blown to pieces in a horrific gory way*

[Blademaster]

Did... Did you just STEAL one of MY whacks, Elf!? Oh, you are so about to die...!

But first...

Knight of Time...

(hands him a frozen turkey)

Happy Thanksgiving.

(runs away in a totally NOT suspicious fashion...)

...

...

...

...

...

(...and when he's done running, he's standing in front of darktyranitar, whose skull he proceeds to split open by smashing it with a gravy ladel)

Fake out-whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Blademaster, which one did you just whack, Knight Of Time or darktyranitar?

Anyway, I am happy to see this topic has reached over 80 replies.

*whacks Knight of Time 81 times*

Hups! I ment to whack only once per post...

OK, OK! I'll have to be happy with whacking him just once here, so I'll blow up him so bad in the first place that I won't need to whack him twice in the same post!

[kitsun]

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my absence from the forum, and as a result, allowing Whack-a-TPMer to collect dust for so long. I applaud Mikachu for bringing this game out of it's short grave, and happy to say that my game was fun enough to have a volume 2. Can't post too often, though, since I still do not have home internet. However, feel free to reincarnate this game as many times as any of you want until I can promise a more permanent return. (As if I could stop you) Until then...


Kitsun pulls out his 500 pound mallet and whacks Mikachu a la Sandbag in Super Smash Brothers: Melee. Mikachu flies for about a mile and a half, and in the background a voice announces "A new Record!!!"

[Knight of Time]

Well, it's nice to see you back, kitsun, but I guess you could say it's time to join the fun!

If your username was jumbled, it would become sunkit, but being as the sun can't be made from a kit, the Angry Sun from SMB3 suddenly appears, and burns you for offending him.

Whacked, in a literally hot way.

[Master of Paradox]

The rest of the Whack-A-TPMer group had gathered around Kitsun, pummeling the "new meat", when suddenly Master of Paradox walked up. He gave the members of the group a vicious look, and they slowly pulled back, ashamed.

Kitsun looked up from the ground, covered in bruises. "You... You saved me," he muttered.

"Nah. I was just angry I couldn't get a shot."

With that, Master of Paradox kicked Kitsun in the face, and the beating resumed.

Bandwagon Whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my absence from the forum, and as a result, allowing Whack-a-TPMer to collect dust for so long. I applaud Mikachu for bringing this game out of it's short grave, and happy to say that my game was fun enough to have a volume 2. Can't post too often, though, since I still do not have home internet. However, feel free to reincarnate this game as many times as any of you want until I can promise a more permanent return. (As if I could stop you) Until then...


Kitsun pulls out his 500 pound mallet and whacks Mikachu a la Sandbag in Super Smash Brothers: Melee. Mikachu flies for about a mile and a half, and in the background a voice announces "A new Record!!!"

Thank you!

When kitsun has just gotten up from the chair in front of his computer table, Mikachu Yukitatsu hacks the computer. He inserts a strange program that is able to draw kitsun inside the internet, and the poor Eevee is doomed to spend rest of his life inside TPM, reading our replies and perhaps replying, too.

[Blademaster]

Mikachu: Re-read it. It's kinda obvious that Faiz was my target: KoT was a red herring.

...Or was he?

-----------------

While TPM is busy pummeling kitsun, Knight of Time is busy examining the frozen turkey he was given. He brings it to an FBI officer, who examines it for germs, bombs, and toxins...

"It's clean." The FBI agent says, evidently annoyed by this man interrupting his work over a turkey.

Later, KoT is at home watching TV when he hears a 'DING!' Getting up and going to the oven, he finds the turkey has been roasted to perfection. He removes the thermometer from it and carves off a piece. It looks tasty...

But wait! It could be dangerous now that it's been cooked! Suspicious as ever, KoT cuts off a small piece and offers it to his dog.

The dog gobbles it down without a second thought. A few seconds pass... But nothing happens.

KoT smiles and lets out a sigh of relief, then bites into the turkey and swallows it; he proceeds to dig into the turkey hungrily, satisfied with the knowledge that it is safe and delicious.

********

Three days later, KoT's body is being examined by paramedics, who have shown up at his house after 911 received complaints from neighbors over a horrid smell of some kind.

As KoT is wheeled out, the FBI agent who examined the turkey to begin with consults the head paramedic.

"So, what was the cause of death?"

"Eh, the poor bastard choked on a turkey bone."

The FBI agent sighed.

"Another Thanksgiving casualty... When will the madness end...?"

"Hell if I know. You say casualty; I say the turkey's revenge."

The FBI agent narrowed his eyes.

"You'd best show some respect. That kind of talk can put you out of a job..."

The FBI agent squinted at the paramedic's name tag.

"...Blademaster. You understand?"

The paramedic nodded, smiling wryly before turning and leaving the scene.

---------------

Self-whacked.

[Master of Paradox]

Partway through escaping the scene, Blademaster found himself standing in an alleyway, the only exit blocked by Master of Paradox.

His erstwhile rival, however, had changed his usual Hawaiian shirts for a long white coat, thick-framed glasses, and a sinister smile.

"Um... you feeling okay, Paradox?" Blademaster asked him.

"Quite all right," the other man replied.

"Are you going to hurt me now?"

"In a way. Kido number 81... Black Coffin."

The alleyway suddenly filled up with darkness. When it faded, Blademaster was unconscious and Paradox had discarded his glasses for his usual wireframes.

"Just remember... you brought that on yourself."

Aizen-style Whacked.

[Crazy Elf Boy]

*Whacks Master of Paradox*

Yay for unoriginalism

[Blademaster]

...

(regains consciousness)

Ooooog... Grurgh... Once again, Paradox uses his esoteric references to strike me down... That puts him back on the list.

(pulls a clipboard out of a nearby trash can and writes something down on it.

Hmm... Ah, yes... That one's next...

*******

Crazy Elf Boy is lounging at home one afternoon when he hears a knock at his door.

'Oh, shit...' he thinks, recalling similar incidents to this that led to high levels of pain for both Blademaster and Master of Paradox.

The knock comes again.

Crazy Elf Boy quickly turns off the lights and dives into a closet, shutting the door and locking it from the inside.

The knock comes a third time, louder and more insistent than ever.

'Go away, go away, please God make it go away...' CEB silently prays.

After a few more attempts, the knocking ceases. All is quiet for several minutes...

CEB wipes his brow and sighs, relieved.

That's when a deafening rumble reachs CEB's ears; a split second later, his entire house is lifted up around him, leavng him totally exposed.

Standing in the street, holding his house in one claw like a toy, is none other than Godzilla. The King of Monsters clenches his fist, and CEB's house crumbles like a dirt clod.

"...Fuck." CEB mutters.

Godzilla responds with his trademark roar, and then his dorsal crests glow blue; a blue energy wells in his mouth and promptly blasts CEB to dust, leaving no remnants of him or his house but a huge crater.

----------------

Whacked. By Godzilla.

[Master of Paradox]

One dark evening, as Mikachu is walking home, a sinister laugh fills the air. That's when a Predator-like motion blur crosses the corner of his eye.

He takes off running (because nobody is dumb enough to hang around when invisible whatsits are in the region), only to see a burst of blood where the invisible... thing once stood. He blinks a few times.

And then an old man in a wheelchair rolls up to him. "Are you... Mikachu Yukitatsu by any chance?" he asks in a thick voice.

"Ummm... yes."

The man suddenly explodes in a cloud of blood, which pulls back into itself, revealing Master of Paradox in a suit and carrying a massive pistol. Three clicking noises sound inside the barrel.

The last thing Mikachu hears is Paradox shouting "COLLATERAL SHOT!" as a burst of bright light fills the air...

Smith Whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

I wish Mikachu would whack himself in his own Whack-a-TPMer game.

OK.

*Gets ready to shoot himself in the head*

*Places the gun on his temple*

*Pulls the trigger*

*Misses!*

*The bullet kills shinypkmnchaser instead*

Whacked, accidentially.

[Magmar]

*Grabs a 20 foot tall bubble wand and smacks Mikachu in the head with it*

KER-POWIE!!! a.k.a. whack. =)

[Master of Paradox]

Sitting in his office, Master of Paradox picks up a moving permit. He fills it out carefully, making sure to diagram the exact positions of the axles for the truck-tractor. He then faxes it. An hour later, he receives a reply.

The following night, a Sterling truck-tractor, pulling a 24'x48'x14' house, runs over Magmar.

On-the-Job Whacked.

[Blademaster]

Next on the list... Oh-ho... The newbie...

-------------------

Kitsun is sitting on a park bench one day, clad in a tuxedo and a box of chocolates in his hands.

"Momma always said," he stated in a Southern accent to no one in particular, "life is like a box of choc-"

"ZEEKY BOOKY DOOG!"

"What the hooey...?"

*********

From a distance of fifty miles away, the bench kitsun sat on looked unremarkable... But at that exact moment, the crudely-drawn mushroom cloud consuming the area all around it drew much attention to it indeed...

"A very poor whack..." a voice sighed. "But I'm afraid I just haven't got the energy today for a detailed whack."

The figure bowed its head, then held up a clipboard and crossed something off of it.

"...I'd better prepare for my next whack. I have some redeeming to do."

-------------------

Forrest-then-Demented Cartoon-whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Blademaster, I was thinking about an amusing whack where we could have an exchange like this:

Blademaster: "Are you really going to whack me with that? Your shuriken throwing star is made of paper!"

Mikachu: "So is your sword!"

But I didn't invent a good frame story, so I'll just ask a friend how to whack you.

Mikachu hits Blademaster.

Critical hit!

Damage 200 points!

Whacked in co-opetration.

[Master of Paradox]

"Come one, come all!" Master of Paradox calls out to the rest of the board. "Come take a ride on my giant crab!"

Behind him, in a holding pen, is a 20-foot-tall crab. It's colored blue and has a ribbon on top of it.

After a few moments, Mr. Pikachu walks up to the scene. "What are you up to, MoP?" he asks.

"Simply offering rides on my giant crab, sir. Care to be the first?"

Despite his misgivings, Mr. Pikachu nods. He climbs a handy ladder and settles atop the crab.

"I forgot to mention," Master of Paradox then says, taking a sword out of nowhere. "This isn't just a crab. It's a giant enemy crab."

"Oh, sh-"

Sliding under the crab, Master of Paradox attacks its weak spot, causing it to explode and hurling Mr. Pikachu off into the distance.

For Massive Whacked.

[Blademaster]

Blademaster sighs in disgust and shakes his head, leaning against some sort of car under a black tarp.

"What?" MoP asks, turning and seeing his friendly foe's unimpressed expression.

"I was going to do something a bit more epic, Paradox, but you've forced my hand."

"What do you mean?" Paradox asks, eyes narrowing. "I didn't even whack you that time!"

"No, but your whacking left out something vital..."

Blademaster pulls the tarp off, revealing, as suspected, a car. But it's not visible in the shadows cloaking it. Paradox squints at it as Blademaster walks around it once.

"...What is it?" Paradox asks, not liking where this is going.

Blademaster replies by leaping into the car and starting it up; in a second, the shiny red Eunos Roadster zooms out of the darkness at a good 120 miles an hour and runs Paradox over.

"IT'S RIDGE RACER!" Blademaster finally exclaims. "RIIIIIDGE RACER!!"

-----------------

Whacked. By Kaz Hirai.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

I just read some Wikipedia...

"Nessus
Nessus is the ninth and deepest layer of Baator. It is a place of pits and ravines of virtually endless depths. The great citadel of Malsheem lies immediately below the portal between Cania and Nessus and is the largest fortress in all of the Outer Planes. Here, Asmodeus rules over the entire plane, and thus the entire race of devils."

*nukes Nessus*

Now is that even possible??!?

Master of Paradox WAS there...

EDIT: I remind you, this round will end after the 121st post. Until then, have nice time using all the whacks you can come up with!

[mr_pikachu]

*suddenly appears in front of Master of Paradox*

Hi.

*beats MoP with a 138-page copy of the current WotF*

Back-from-the-dead-whacked.

[Blademaster]

(suddenly appears in front of mr_pikachu)

Hi.

(shoots him in the face)

Back-TO-the-dead-whacked.

[Knight of Time]

(suddenly appears in front of Blademaster)

Hi.

(shoots him in the face)

Copy-whacked.

[Master of Paradox]

There came a groan, as Master of Paradox shoved the last pieces of his broken frame back together. "Son of a mother of a bride of a shut up and play your guitar..." He cracked his neck back into joint, and then staggered out into the forums proper.

Knight of Time had just finished copywhacking Blademaster, and wheeled around as the badly-battered Paradox showed up. "Ummm... hey, Paradox..."

Not being in the mood for conversation, Paradox withdrew a large club from nowhere and pummeled Knight of Time senseless.

Recovery Whack.

[Blademaster]

"Well, that takes care of KoT..." Blade muttered as he watched the most recent whacking unfold. "Who's next..."

He picks a name from his winter hat.

"Toxicity... Hey, Paradox, give me that Death Note book you're always carrying around!"

"Go to Hell."

"Aw, don't be like that...! Just because I hit you with a car doesn't mean... Wait... Where IS the car...?"

*******

Meanwhile, in Florida...

Toxicity scratches her head at the sight of a shiny red Eunos Roadster sitting in front of her house.

"...The Ridge Racer car?" she muses. "What's that doing here...?"

As she muses over this, the car's radio antenna extends, a soft beeping emitting from it. On the dashboard of the car, a message flashes across a small monitor:

PHOTON PHASER BEACON DEPLOYED.

The beeping speeds up, growing gradually louder.

"...What's that sound?" Toxicity muses, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up.

Another message flashes across the dash:

WARNING: PHOTON PHASER SATELLITE ON APPROACH.

Toxicity backs away, fearing that the car is a bomb.

"Right, I'mm outta here." she says, turning and running.

PHOTON PHASER LOCKED ON. FIRING IN 3...

...2...

...1...

...THANK YOU.

The Sun seems to begin to brighten over a three-block circumference around the car, glowing brighter and brighter; an intense roar fills the air as the satellite fires from the upper troposphere...

*******

Back on the home front...

"...And then I drove back from the dollar store... I stopped at Burger King... I know the car was with me there..."

Blade is still musing over the lost car when he spots out of the corner of his eye a massive plume of smoke from somewhere far to the south.

"...Uh... I found the car...!"

"Go. To. Hell."

"Aw, why you gotta be like that...!?"

-------------------

Satellite-whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Mikachu Yukitatsu, in his female persona: Welcome to the Weakest Link. mr_pikachu, which TPMer did you whack first in this version?

mr_pikachu: You.

Mikachu: Correct. shinypkmnchaser, whom did you force mr_pikachu to watch break the Hangman randomizer?

shinypkmnchaser: Blademaster.

Mikachu: Correct. Blademaster, what did you find on the ground after whacking me with the meteorite?

Blademaster: A drawing.

Mikachu: Correct. darktyranitar, where do you live?

darktyranitar: In Malaysia.

Mikachu: Correct. Knight of Time...

Knight of Time: Bank!

Mikachu: ...who has whacked Blademaster mostly so far?

Knight of Time: I.

Mikachu: Correct. Crazy Elf Boy, what was the first peace treaty where Sweden and Russia divided Finland?

Crazy Elf Boy: How the heck am I supposed to know that?!?

Mikachu: Incorrect. Pähkinänsaaren rauha. You are the weakest link, goodbye.

Crazy Elf Boy: Wait! Shouldn't we vote about that?

Mikachu: What would T_M_L and others do if I put a poll inside a game? Get lost!

(thorws a nunchaku which hits Crazy Elf Boy)

[Crazy Elf Boy]

*Starts a forge map on halo 3*

*Selects scorpion tank for $25*'

*Picks up scorpion and throws it up into the air*

*Watches as it slowlys comes down and squashes himself*

SUICIDE Respawn in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,.....1

*Runs over to own corpse and laughs*

HAHAHA you died you stupid prick

Owned by the only thing in the universe that can hurt me.........myself

[Master of Paradox]

Due to circumstances best left undescribed (but involving a game of severe one-upsmanship), Master of Paradox had found himself being followed everywhere by a small metal spike, which never actually did anything but continuously pointed at him. "Damn it, Blade..." he muttered to himself as the Pointer floated after him.

After several hours of this, he finally turned and grabbed it. "Begone!" he shouted, hurling it off into the distance.

There was a slight "GACK!" as it struck Crazy Elf Boy in the throat.

"...oops."

IM Injoke Whacked.

[Blademaster]

Blade's forehead vein bulged at the sight of blood on his precious Pointer.

"Paradox, you've really done it now..." he snarled, pulling out his cell phone and making a call.

"Hello, Jump City Titan Division? I'd like to enroll the services of one of your five elite agents for an assault against an enemy fighter... Yes... Yes, in return for your services, I'll donate funds for vehicular repairs and upgrades... Uh-huh... OK, great. Send the female member of the team, if you would be so kind... No, the other one... Yes. OK, thank you very much."

Blademaster hangs up and smirks.

"Sorry Paradox, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

*******

As MoP continues on his un-merry way, a dark, bird-shaped shadow suddenly appears on the ground in front of him, rising up to form a pale teenage girl in a hooded blue cloak and boots and a black leotard.

MoP's eyes narrow in pure hatred.

"You..."

"You look unhappy to see me..." the girl says in a soft, scratchy voice. "Trust me, the feeling's mutual."

Her eyes glow white as a dark aura fills her hands.

"Azarath... metrion... zinth- Dark Scorpion Tornas the Joker!"

The black sphere in her hands forms into a Yu-Gi-Oh! card, out of which leaps a holographic bandit in a tan shirt and boots and red trousers; he proceeds to dash forward and kick MoP in the balls.

---------------------

Whacked by Raven.

[Knight of Time]

Mikachu, Mikachu...I don't know if you are as good a speller as me or if you've ever seen or played in a bowling tournament, but I see a nasty outcome that can happen to someone who isn't good at bowling or spelling...juggling 16 bowling pins spelling your username, I throw them underhand, watching as each of them bonk you in the head, before landing and magically spelling your username in front of your dazed form.

Alphabetically whacked...with bowling pins as a little twist.

[Crazy Elf Boy]

*Runs up to Blademaster and knocks him out*

*He wakes up in a weird room with brown walls tied to a chair*

*I walk onto the scene*

"Hello Blademaster we meet again"

"what are you doing here you bastard"

"Not alot really, I just have one question to ask you"

"W,w,what is that?"

"Do you like tenis?"

"Ummmmm, I guess"

"Well thats great because you about to have the pleasure of being made into 200 tenis balls"

*Pulls out a meat grinder and chops of Blademaster's left foot*

"Game, Set, Match to me Blady"

[Blademaster]

Blademaster grins.

"So, you like tennis, Elfy?" he asks, seemingly undaunted by his missing foot. "Good, good... So does Larry!"

CEB blinks.

"Who?"

"Larry Koopa. That guy behind you."

CEB grins.

"You really think I'm dumb enough to fall for tha-"

KA-FWOOOM!!

In a blast of smoke, bones, and gore, the back of CEB's skull vanishes in a Bob-Omb blast; his corpse hits the floor, and standing behind him is a Koop with a blue spiky mohawk and a spiked green tennis racquet in his claws.

"Fifteen love." he says sadistically.

---------------------

Mario Tennis-whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Every single object, every single chair in Sobakevitsh's house seemed to say: "I am Sobakevitsh, too." or "I look quite much like Sobakevitsh, too.".

- Do you think you'd find a fool who sells you a soul from registration for that price! yelled Sobakevitsh.

- Listen to me, why do you name them as souls in registration? The souls are already dead! I'll pay 1 1/2 roubles each. That's the last price, said Tshitshikov.

- What? My price is not too much. Take Toxicity, a shoemaker from America. Whereever she put her awl, there a boot. Where a boot, there a good boot. She served me well, until she was killed by a treacherous Finn named Mikachu Yukitatsu visiting me!!

Toxicity, whacked by Nikolai Gogol.

[Master of Paradox]

In his small, surprisingly hot, closet-like room in the family home (a room he was inexplicably fond of), the Master of Paradox contemplated his video game collection. It had grown larger in the past month than in the last six months combined.

"Who to call upon for my next whack?" he asked himself. Giving it some thought, he grinned.

----

Mikachu Yukitatsu spat out the gag, untied his blindfold, and looked around, frowning. "Where the hell am I?"

A voice came over an intercom, saying, "This is my testing room."

"Man Called True? Aw, crap. Who's gonna whack me?"

"Well, that's the fun part..."

A young man who looked about 14 stepped up behind Mikachu at that point, adjusting his blue hair spikes. He caught the man's ankle with his overly large sword, threw him skyward, and then shouted "HERE I COME!" before smashing him down with the blade.

At that point, a black man in hip-hop clothing and mohawk dashed underneath the descending Mikachu. He spun on his black, feet smacking him around, before mule-kicking Mikachu away.

A white-haired man in elaborate black clothing appeared in a beam of red light a second later, firing several fireballs from the inside of his cloak. There was a "FWOOM!" noise, and then Mikachu dropped to the ground, scorched.

"That," the voice said, "is the Hurricane Break Hellfire."

Disgaea/King of Fighters XI/Symphony of the Whacked.

[Crazy Elf Boy]

Ever wondered what eating

3 King Brown Snakes
1 Cat
4 Dogs
5 Jars of Acid
10 Bees
29 Fire Ants
82 drops of cyanide
2 Vials of Arsenic
1 Snapping turtle
1/2 a crocodile
6 Tins of Baked Beans
and an Elephants left leg

Taste like?

Well Master of Paradox knows

*Run over to Master of Paradox and get the menagerie of items and shoves them down his neck*

Giant list whacked

[Blademaster]

(bashes shinypkmnchaser over the head with a shovel)

Uncreative-while-preparing-for-the-ultimate-climactic-whack-whacked.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

bridge:
Lord of all Fanfic
A mod in the night
mr_pikachu of hope
He posts in his glorious battle alone
Farewell to the valiant moderator

chorus: (repeat 2x)
The fate of TPM
Lies deep in PCG
When times stand still in Whack-a-TPMer

...

He gleams like a star
And the quality of his posts
Like a raging storm
Proudly the moderator
Challenges Mikachu
"Pathetic whacker" he cries

Slowly Mikachu
Yukitatsu appears:
"Welcome to Finland
You shall be damned"

bridge

chorus

The hanzi signature
Is getting closer
Swings his pencil down on him
Like a SPAMstorm
He's crushing
Down the Fanfic's
Proudest king...

mr_pikachu, whacked by J.R.R. Tolkien and Blind Guardian.

[Crazy Elf Boy]

I hate MUSIC

*crams the song down Mikachu neck*

lol whacked, by your own whack

[Shadow Wolf]

*In the 10th round of a boxing match, the score is at a draw between the champion kitsun and the challenger, shinypkmnchaser.

kitsun goes with a left jab, hitting shinypkmnchaser in the face. shiny responds with an upper to the stomach, and then...

*explosion*

"RRRRUMBLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

shinypkmnchaser goes with his signature move, the Uptempo, punching kitsun out of the ring.*

shinypkmnchaser- "Somebody better call... the doctor *smiles*"


Ready-2-Rumble whacked

[Blademaster]

ARGH! The writer in me yearns to do something for once! Long post ahead!

---------------------------------

"So, Crazy Elf Boy dislikes music, does he...?" Blademaster mused. "Heh heh heh heh heh heh... Then what better way to send him off than with one of my favorite... musicians..."

Blademaster pulled out his cellphone and flipped it open.

".....Yes, it's me. .....Yes, I've found the perfect target. .....His name is Crazy Elf Boy-... Ah, you know of him? ...Good, good... Deal with him immediately... Yes... Excellent."

The orange-robed swordmaster hangs up his cell phone and raises his hood.

"I almost feel bad to do this, but it's either the Elf or me now..."

And just like that, he's gone.

********

Three minutes later, at CEB's residence.

Crazy Elf Boy is lounging in a hammock, his far-inferior-to-Blademaster's sword resting beside the hammock's support tree. The sky is blue, the clouds are nonexistent, and all is quiet. A perfect day for the Elf to take some time off from guarding his Crazy Space Vortex and catch some shut-eye amidst the peace and quiet...

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN...

...Wait... That's not quiet... That's music!

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN...

The disturbed elf grunts and opens one eye.

"I HATE music..." he snarls, reaching for his sword and slipping out of the hammock.

DUNDUN-DUNNNNN-DADADA-DAAAA-DUNNNNNNN...

CEB looks around, seeing no source of the offending noise or anyone else for that matter. In fact, save for that music, everything around him was normal... silent... eerie...

Just then, however, a flash of light catches his eye. He looks up...

Straight over his head, high in the sky, is the brightest star he'd ever laid eyes on.

DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA-DUNNN-DADADA...

'A star...? In the middle of the day...?' he thinks, confused. 'What's that doing there?'

*******

One million light-years over CEB's head, the infinitely bright object comes into focus. It is not a star, but rather some sort of arcane rune... A circular, zodiacal array of ancient symbols, suspended forever in space and time...

And it has been activated.

DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA-DUNNNNN-DAAAAAAA...

Every mathematical equation known to man circulates through and throughout the ensemble of emblems... A mad Mobius strip of logic and chaos interwoven. The source of and the answer to the Universe circulates through this maelstrom, which finally assumes a concrete form... A comet of sickly white light. It floats through the array, from which it launches itself like a cannon towards the Milky Way Galaxy.

"Estuans interius ira vehementi
Estuans interius ira vehementi"

The bizarre star suddenly darts somewhere beyond the horizon. CEB watches it vanish, then shrugs and resumes his search for that infernal music, which has grown louder and clearer with each passing second.

"Sephiroth! Sephiroth!"

Three and a half billion miles beyond the view of anyone on Earth, the tiny planetoid of Pluto hangs in space, cold and silent...

With no forewarning whatsoever, the comet of death strikes, its immense mass dwarfing that of Pluto and blowing the former planet to space dust.

"Estuans interius ira vehementi
Estuans interius ira vehementi"

Some 2.6 billion miles nearer to the Earth, the glorious ringed planet Saturn hovers silently in space. It is the comet's next destination.

"Sephiroth! Sephiroth!"

The comet rips its way through Saturn's titanic rings, vaporizing millions of tons of stone and ice in nanoseconds. Flames streak from the hideous tear that's been ripped into Saturn's once-proud rings as the comet barrels onward, towards the inner reaches of the Solar System.

"Sors - immanis
Et inanis
Sors - immanis
Et inanis"

Almost 400 million miles closer to tiny Earth, the gaseous giant known as Jupiter sits in space, its reign over the other planets undisputed. The comet fires like a bullet at Jupiter, blowing a perfectly circular hole through the exact middle of the planet. The outer layers of semi-solid gas that make up the planet expand as the inner ones ignite, ripping seams of light into the planet until it explodes in a cataclysmic explosion.

"Estuans interius ira vehementi
Estuans interius ira vehementi"

CEB is at the end of his rope by this point. The music is growing painfully loud by now. He clutches his ears and looks up at the sky helplessly...

His eyes widen in shock and terror.

"Sephiroth! Sephiroth!"

The Sun is high in the sky. This is normal, yes.

But what isn't normal is the streak of white light in space that is flying straight towards it, getting closer... closer...

DADA-DADA-DADA-DADAAAAAA... DA-DA-DA-DAAAAA... DADA-DA-DA-DAA-DAAAA...

Almost 100 million miles away, the comet plows into the Sun itself, driving its way through the star's surface and innards, before striking the 27-million degree core and finally reaching critical temperatures and pressures. The extreme heat causes the comet to explode, but the gravity causes it to implode at the same time.

DADADA-DADA-DA-DA-DAAAA-DA-DA-DADADADA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DADA-DADA-DADA-DADA-DADA-DADADA...

The immense stress on the Sun's core finally reaches the breaking point: The Sun shrinks down to almost planetary size for a fleeting moment, and then it bulges, glowing brighter and brighter, and finally explodes outwards.

DADADA-DADA-DA-DA-DAAAA-DA-DA-DADADA-DA-DA-DADA...

Mercury zooms about the Sun as always, but as the dying star expands outward, Mercury begins to darken, then char black, and finally disintegrate entirely.

DAAA-DAAA-DA-DA-DAA-DAAAAAAAA...!
DAAA-DAAA-DA-DA-DAA-DAAAAAAAA...!

Venus suffers an even more horrible fate, its noxious atmosphere igniting almost instantly and turning the entire planet into a colossal fireball. The flames are swallowed up by the Sun, which continues expanding outwards... towards Earth.

"Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias
Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias"

CEB screams at the sight of the Sun expanding into an ever-larger ball of terrible yellow heat, filling the sky and bringing death to everything around him. The very ground under his feet blackens and disintegrates from the heat... And yet CEB himself, miraculously, is not burnt.

"Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias
Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias"

CEB looks at himself in shock, then around himself. His surroundings have changed to a TRUE crazy space vortex: a blue, pink, and white abyss of spiraling clouds in the shape of a tunnel. At the far end is the rapidly-expanding nova... But one more anomaly is there.

"Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias
(Haryuu no hanekata)
Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias"
(Haryuu no hanekata)

Floating before CEB is a 30-foot creature, only the very most vaguely humanoid. It is a bare-chested male, his legs absent in favor of six grand wings the same color of the comet. His left arm is human, but his right is a gold-and-purple seventh wing with feathers like swords. Two golden halos overlap like an '8' behind his back, and two long, white wisps of ponytails flow behind his head. His eyes are a shining teal, as cold as ice. He frowns down on CEB in a way that can only be interpreted as an angry god frowning on an insect.

"Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias
(Haryuu no hanekata)
Veni veni venias
Ne me mori facias"
(Haryuu no hanekata)

"Kieuseru." the angelic being says as the Sun engulfs his body. Yet he is not burnt - he is instead glowing with power... brighter and brighter, as the Sun finally goes supernova. CEB utters his final scream as he, the Earth, and indeed, the entire Solar System are immolated in the apocalyptic explosion.

"Sephiroth! Sephiroth!"

------------------------------------

CEB... You've been whacked... by...

"Sephiroth!"