Got Ghost Trouble?

[Houndoom_Lover]

Got Ghost Trouble

Author's note: Coding bogs me down, I don't know about the rest of you all but...Hello! You have in front of you a Muhyo&Roji Bureau of Supernatural Investigation fanfiction, a manga by Yoshiyuki Nishi. Here it is, please enjoy.

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Jiro Kusano took a step back, admiring the simple paper sign he just put up. The boy himself was no different than an ordinary average boy. He was normal height, a normal size, his hair was blond, his eyes were brown, and his expression was one of simple bliss. He sighed happily as he looked at his sign.

The sign read:

Got Ghosts?

We’ve got solutions!

P.R. Manager

Jiro Kusano

Muhyo Bureau of Supernatural Investigation

0-03F, 00 District, 00 City

(000) 000-0000

Jiro rubbed his jacket sleeve over his wetting eyes. It was just too beautiful! Soon, people would come near and far to them for help, and though he knew he wouldn’t be able to do much, he’d be able to help-

“Its have, not got,” A voice cut across his thoughts in a form of a sneer, “Can’t you even get something as simple as that right?”

Jiro looked down, he knew it was have, not got, but it had a catchy tone and, and, aaaaand alliteration! Oh! He was always stepping on him, crushing him with hurtful words! It wasn’t fair; people so small shouldn’t be so mean.

“Its-,” He had to defend himself this time, stand up to his little tyranny, “It’s suppose to be catchy.”

“Well,” The little boy in question was much older then he size gave him, but not much. He had a round face, and maybe, yes, maybe, his head was shaped like a turnip, with his black hair for the roots, “It looks stupid, which makes you look stupid, Roji.”

Jiro…otherwise known as Roji, sighed. Muhyo always called him that, not that he minded it. It was kinda like having your name in ghost words, you know, all spelled backwards and whatnot.

Without even waiting to be told, he pulled the grammatically incorrect flyer from the wall, crumpling it, defeated, in his hand.

“Yes sir…” He said, his voice full of the disappointing defeat. Muhyo never let him have any fun.

“That’s better,” The small boy replied, turning tail, his over robe fluttering in the wind, “I can’t have you making me look stupid. Now let’s go.”

Roji sighed again in reply, shlumping over, his arms dangling. He followed his short boss, as he slipped like a sewage rat under the darkness around the corner. Roji stopped suddenly, recalling that he just mindless threw the paper on the ground. That was littering! But when he looked back…

The paper was gone. Roji gulped. He had a bad feeling about that…maybe the wind just blew it away…yeah, the wind.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Article 1:

Grey Noise

“This game is so much fun, Hoji!” A little girl squealed, pressing buttons as fast as she could on her control pad. The boy called Hoji beamed at her, but only for a minuet, because just then, ogres appeared out of to where on the screen.

“Look out, Miya!” His neighbor’s player character was the closest to them. Little Miya, with her caramel brown hair in stubby little pig tails, still dressed in her school uniform, masterly pressed the buttons. Up, down, left, triangle, square, down, X.

Hoji wasn’t about to be out done, sticking his tongue out for extra concentration, he began to wage battle against the ogres.

But one after the other, they just kept coming. Slash after slash, and still…Hoji’s eye began to burn from the hours of intense playing, his mother’s voice ignored for the second time. They were so close, they just had to beat this level, and then toppled the master- He paused to rub his eyes.

A pause that he wouldn’t live to regret. A big red ogre, with a serious overbite, slashed his character down, dropping his hit points to zero. The boy dropped the controller with a cluck, flopping down on the cushy pillow used to sit the bowl of cheese puffs on.

“Hoji!” Miya cried, half worried and half accusingly. It was up to her to save Slyvaina, up to her character that was, but she wasn’t worried. After all…She was half-elf and all kick butt. But her hit points were low, so Miya whacked the triangle and pressed down the R1, which should have let her use a potion to heal herself, but the red ogre (a monster she had never seen before, sure, she’s fought ogres in this game, but not the red ones ) struck before the potion activated.

“What?” She yelped, her chest feeling tight, “That’s not fa…”

Miya fell just like her companion, with out another word, whether it was fair or not. The controller hit the floor with a ker-chunk…

The door to the dark bedroom flew open, Hoji’s mother holding the door knob, livid with anger. She had told those two to go to bed hours ago, sleepover or not! If he wasn’t going to listen to her, then she was never going to buy him any more video games ever again!

“Hoji, I said…” His Mother’s voice faltered, as a soft expression replaced her steamed one as she saw that they were asleep. How sweet…She started to close the door, before giving off an irritated sigh. They forgot to turn that accursed game off! She stomped towards them in her carpet slippers when she noticed something strange.

“H-Hoji?” She prayed she was just seeing thing, as she bent over her boy. She could have sworn he wasn’t breathing, but it must’ve been just the lighting, yes, the light from the video game made everything a little disoriented. She flipped Hoji over gently, trying to remain calm.

Mrs. Takishiro gave a blood curdling scream as she saw her boy’s face, or more accurately, what had happen to her boy’s face. No longer was the look of health there, a gaunt pallor replaced it, his eyes rolled all the way back into his head, revealing the veiny white part of the eyes no one wanted to see, or should ever. Let alone a mother.

She didn’t even bother looking at Miya. Hoji’s Mom beat a quick path out of the room, wailing and weeping for help as she went.

The door closed behind her all by itself with a slam.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Author’s note:

I struggle like a butterfly in a windstorm

the wind is brutal

My wings

they tear

I fall.

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Article 2:

The Client

Muhyo threw down his Jabin brand manga on their coffee table that separated them and their client like barrier. Roji knew, as a rule, it was always better not to get too involved, but…

As the big soft covered book full of epic adventure landed with a pfft, the short boy leaned back on the sofa, getting comfy. It was clear he didn’t want to help, or care for that matter, about the poor woman’s case.

“That’s what you get,” He scolded coyly, shutting his eyes, “for let your kids play video games, huh…”

The woman across from them on the furniture’s opposite number gave a magnificent sob. She was a fine breed of women, the kind that pay good money to have her face rubbed down with mud. Her clothes were neat and pressed, though her fine crop of dark hair was slightly disheveled.

“Mrs. Takishiro,” The women flinched, a flinch that Muhyo could sense even with his eyes shut. Why was always this way with simple common people?

Roji could no longer stand the injustice Muhyo was serving, even if he was an executor and him a lowly, good for nothing but tea making, first clerk. He’d help this woman, little boy and his friend, yes he-

Muhyo let out a sigh, leaving Roji feeling pretty stupid as he came out of his fantasy world, though being the only one standing up didn’t help much either.

“So…,” Mrs. Takishiro said as though her last battle ship had been sunk, “You’re not going to…” It took all her might to say the next word, forced between her lips; it quivers in the air like a mindless snow flake, “help?”

With another sigh, Muhyo pushed himself out of the reclining position, his short legs dangling above the floor.

“Bring the box, controllers, packaging, and everything that came into contact with the game,” He told the weeping woman, looking as though he’d rather watch day time television instead of taking on this particular case. This meant…he’d have to deal with…her. He ran a hand over his face, hardly listening to the woman’s inane dribblings of thanks.

“Oh, Muhyo!” Roji cried, literally, he has a heart beat away from just smothering the boy in hugs, “You’re the greatest!”

The greatest…That brought Muhyo back down to Earth, he’d deal with it all one step at a time, “Don’t thank us yet.” He said sharply, so sharp it stopped the happy couple (Mrs. Takishiro with her purse clenched in hand and Roji who escorted her out) in their tracks, “These kids will be in the hospital for a while.”

What colour that had returned to her face drained as she mouthed a feeble goodbye, and shut the door herself.

Roji whipped around, his angry face on, eyebrows at an extra angry angle, “You didn’t have to say that…Muhyo?”

His anger turned to confusion when he noticed that his tiny boss had jumped down from the couch, and he wasn’t even holding his issue of Jabin, so he wasn’t going to relocate himself. Was he going to do something…important? At his naptime?!

“I have a phone call to make,” He said gruffly, grabbing the phone off the desk where it usually hung out, and pulled it along with him as he traveled across the room.

“Are you sure,” Roji asked hesitantly, wanting to know what Muhyo was up too, he hardly ever missed an opportunity to nap while these was down time, “you don’t want me to call?”

Roji’s hopes soared to the skies when Muhyo paused at his door.

“Go make tea,” He ordered, shooting Roji’s hopes right down where they belonged, in the dirt.

[PsiUmbreon]

Hm. it's good so far. It seems a little short, but that might be because you have short chapters.

[firepokemon]

Being only vaguely familiar with the manga series, I like that you are able to give these characters some development. However, I think it requires more character development. The chapter length is fine, yeah they could be seen as short. But really don't worry about. Your writing in general does flow well. However, there were aspects where one had to read twice. More so, the chapters need to be checked again as there are simple but hard to make mistakes.

For example:

Jiro Kusano took a step back, admiring the simple paper sign he just put up. The boy himself was no different then an ordinary average boy.

- Its than not then.

Jiro…otherwise know as Roji, sighed.

- known not know

wall, crumpling it, defeated, in his hand.

- Does not flow well

Roji sighed again in reply, shlumping over,

- Its slumping not shlumping.

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You have a great start to what is a highly original piece of fanfiction.. There are issues with some things, some of it does not flow as well as it should. In the future I would suggest going through each chapter one by one reading it several times and out loud. Soon you will notice many of your mistakes. Otherwise I think its a great piece of writing. Something original that with some minor editing could be a great piece of fanfiction. Good luck.

6/10.

-1 Not properly checked.
-2 Sentence structure and the way the story flows.
-1 Length and other issues relating to dialogue (Needs to be more natural).

[Houndoom_Lover]

Author's note:

Reply to PsiUmbreon:Yes, my chapters are short, though I have no intention on change any of the lengths. Thank you for enjoying it! ^_^ Hope you keep on doing so.

Reply to firepokemon: Oh, look, I got graded. How wonderful that you read this so closely, and even more so wonderful is that you read the manga! ^,^ I was kinda scared about that. But...I do re-read my fanfiction, out loud...sometimes, I'm a bad out loud reader. But anywho, I find re-reading things that I write a tedious task right after I write them...most of the times I go back later, but pointing it out now for me it good...yes, good. *goes to change stuff* Thank you! ^_^
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Article 3:

A Phone Call

“He’s using my room to make a secret call,” Roji wept, setting down the much-loved-dented of water on the ready stove, muttering this and that about it not being fair when he had himself a very brilliant idea, indeed. That’s it! He’d just eavesdrop!

Quietly, with a sly grin on his face, he tiptoed up to his bedroom door, and bent an ear to it in hope he’d hear a conversation forbad to him…

“…when and if it comes to that, no.”

He could hear Muhyo’s voice! But what was he talking about? And to whom? Comes to what? So many questions popped into his head that he could start a soda fountain. Roji strained as he listened closer, cupping his ear, and closing his eyes as though that would increase his hearing capacity.

“Tsk, it’s not your problem, no, I said don’t worry about it,” Said Muhyo heatedly to who ever he was talking to, “And stop calling him pretty-“

The young Executor sighed, listening to the talker on the other end. Was he fighting a losing battle? Was he being vanquished in that verbal combat? Roji wanted to just throw the door, irk, his door, open and demand to know what was going on, when his boss spoke up again.

“I can’t say, see you soon,” And with that, he hung the phone up.

Roji sighed, it was already over. He started listening in too late. Now he’d never know- Oh, crap! The combination of Muhyo’s approaching footsteps and the whistling of the steaming tea pot caused Roji to give a violent start, a phrase which here by means to jump forward, slamming his head into his bedroom door, and letting Muhyo know he was there, listening on to his conversation.

But his pain wouldn’t end there, as in the next moment Muhyo threw the door open , smashing poor Roji into the wall. The small fry didn’t seem to notice all the hub-bub, or care. It was more of a care factor, then a noticing one, because when Roji fell to the floor as the door eased up on him, Muhyo giggled.

“Oh,” Muhyo said to the half dead Roji, “There you are.”

Roji lifted his head up from the floor. ‘There you are?’ That was all he could say to him? Oh, he was so cruel. So very cruel…

The small boy shook his head, eyebrow raised as he looked down upon his helper, who had burst into tear once again, crawling toward him with a sort of vengeance in his wet eyes, “What’s wrong with you now?”

Muhyo didn’t wait for an answer, he whipped around, and as he did so, he said, “Call the airport and get us tickets…”

Tickets…? Roji stood up quickly, wiping his face off and regaining his composure in record time, “Tickets…? To where?”

Muhyo didn’t reply, almost zombie like, he walked over to the sofa, propping himself up for a moment to rub his sleepy eyes. But Roji wouldn’t let it go.

“Muhyo,” He continued with a plaintive whine, “Where are we going?”

“I’m going to bed,” Muhyo snapped, practically falling up his small ladder to his equally small bed, and then falling into that, exhausted, “and you’re gunna make a phone call.”

“But…” Roji asked, just a little bit too loud for Muhyo’s likings, who squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out his sound, “Where? I have to buy the tickets, don’t I?”

Muhyo’s eyes snapped open, sitting up in the way only dead men in coffins you see in movies do. With a devilish grin, he looked at Roji like he just saved orphans from a burning building.

“Hee hee, that’s the most useful thing you’ve done this month!” He fell back with a thud on his soft bed, pulling his star blanket up around him. His heavy eyelids shut, feeling the warmth of lying down spread threw him.

“Muhyo…?”

“Eden…” Muhyo muttered in reply, feeling the waking world slip out from under him, “Michigan…”

Roji smiled softly. He’d get nothing more out of Muhyo, not for a while, anyway.

[firepokemon]

I have read like the first chapter of the manga, that is all, unfortunately. I do wish to read the manga, buts its on my mangas to buy which, is like over 100 series. LOL.

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Anyway I really like this chapter, you get a much better sense of the characters. I am hoping we'll see some action next chapter. But for a chapter that is centered around character development I thought it was really good.

“He’s using my room to make a secret call,” Roji wept, setting the dented-much-loved kettle of water down on the ready stove. He muttered this and that about it not being fair when he had himself a very brilliant idea, indeed. That’s it! He’d just eavesdrop!

The dialogue is great, but I find the paragraph overall is just a bit awkward.

t his pain wouldn’t end there, as Muhyo threw the door open the next moment,

I'm not sure the next moment is necessary and I question whether it should go - "as Muhyo threw open the door".

Basically it may require revising.

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Other things require some revising, but it looks like you realise this.

7/10.

-2 Things need to be revised. Some awkwardness.
-1 A bit low on action.

+2 The dialogue works overall and makes good sense of what the characters would say.
+2 Great character development.
+3 Various other things.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Reply to firepokemon: Aaaw! You made me blush! *wiggles my hand about, squeeling* But, tell me about it, man. ^_^ My whole top of my bookself is filled with graphic novels, and with puppy is like ten feet tall. They're slowly slipping into the second shelf, and they're all filled all ready! I have four bookshelves- all filled ^_^ I might have to get some milkcrats, I'm running outa room. And at 7.95-ish each...ouch. Good thing I plan on being rich! If you can't wait for the funds, I suggest looking in up on onemanga.com and whatnot. The traslation is a bit iffy at times, but they have up to book five up! ^_^

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You're right *looks at the senentance*...Oh god, I SPELLED THAT WRONG! *runs around* Heh ^-^u I'll go fix that one, now that I look at it seperated from the rest...I'll have to switch the words around. *feels like Willy Wonka* ^_____^

Hm...*rubs my chin* I wanted a visual pause. I'll read, I'll write- I'll see what I can do! ^_^ *thumbs up*

Hehehe! Thanks for reviewing and general awesomeness ^,^ I hope you enjoy the next chapter as well, and my follies in grammar arn't too gut rentching! ^_~ C'ming at'chya, the next chapterio!

[Houndoom_Lover]

Article 4:

Preparation

“Yeah, that’s great,” Roji inwardly bowed, his voice going through intervals of hushing and normal speech, due to the horror of waking his sleeping boss, “Thanks. I can pick them up there, then?”

The lady on the phone must’ve said yes, because Roji gave another bough of thank yous, before hanging up the phone.

He sighed a big old sigh of relief, flopping in the chair posed at the desk. Glancing at Muhyo quickly, he prompted his feet up on the desk, savoring success.

Sweet success! That whole telephone conversation only lasted forty-five minutes, and that ten ten minute hold wasn’t so bad, the music was really catchy, and…

Forty-five minutes! Ten minutes! That was fifty-five! He’d be late for the bus!

Roji leapt up, making one hell of a clatter as he raced around the room in a panic. In his panic, he managed to grab his light weight dark green jacket, and bolted out the door, leaving it partially open. Muhyo rolled over.

Nana Takeaouchi sauntered down the sidewalk, parting the crowd like Moses with the Nile, only she didn’t have a staff, but an armful of groceries, swinging and a-swaying them to the music in her head. Her skirt swayed along with her, naturally, the cool spring sun shone down upon the girl with her loose brown bun, and a camera around her neck.

She rounded the corner, on her way to visit Roji and Muhyo. That little party pooper couldn’t possibly get mad at her for coming today, because she brought affordable snacks of all shape and sizes. And no one can stay mad with a Twinkie in their mouth!

But her moment of happy momentness was cut short. She brought her Polaroid camera to her face, and quickly hit the shutter button.

“Roji…?” Nana asked, though he sure didn’t hear her. The picture landed in her open hand. In the picture, Roji was running as though he had to catch a train.

She laughed mischievously, her bright eyes sparkling. Oh, so Roji thinks he can out run her, she’d find out what he was up too! With a giggle, Nana ran off after him.

A dark shadow slithered swiftly after her, only it turned up the stairwell to Muhyo’s and Roji’s Bureau of Supernatural Investigations.

Roji just made it, slipping into the lumpy bus seat, feeling all the rider’s eyes on him. Busses made him uncomfortable. You’d never know who was on, and if they were thinking mean things about you or not. Slowly, as the bus drove on, he eased up, his thoughts floating on to their trip.

“I wonder what…” He leaned his head on the cool window, watching the trees and the people and the everything go by. His words stayed inside him after that, as the bus stopped at the next bus stop.

“There you are, Roji!” A familiar voice shrieked, out of breath. Panting, Nana piledrived up the steps with great stomp-stomp-clops.

“Nana, what’re you doing here-!?” Nana flopped down in the empty seat behind him, adjusting her groceries, throwing her scarf back over her shoulders. The wind was cool.

“You thought you could get away from me…” She reached up, grabbing the back of his seat, “Huh?”

At the start of the sentence, she was smiling, but that huh was one of confusion, as an old lady sat down right next to Roji. She was old, as old ladies tend to be, well worn, with hair so grey it was white. Her clothes were black, old and tattered.

The bus started again. The old lady made Nana uncomfortable, like a moldy piece of bread on an award winning sandwich; she sat back down, feeling an uncontrollable need to kick the back of the seat in front of her. But that’d be wrong; so instead she let out her frustration by digging through her bag of goodies.

In silence they traveled, until Roji’s stop finally came. The bus slowly rolled to a stop, and the door opened with a snap.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Roji said as he stood up, unsure if the woman was even awake, or alive for that matter. He tried to step over the old lady, when she lifted her head up.

“You will die.” Roji nearly fell over her, hid heart jumping into his throat for protection, playing the drum to ward evil away.

“What?” Roji stumbled into the aisle, boggled in terror. Commuters surged suddenly, like something out of a well planned horror movie, he was pushed down the narrow walk way and out by the other commuters, who all of the sudden decided to get off the bus there and then. Roji gave a yelp for Nana, bobbling out of the rushing crowd like he just fell out of a tiny wooden boat. She was lost in the jumble of riders, apparently noticing nothing strange. Roji glanced at the old lady before he was forcefully throught the door. She has there, neatly and old, as though she had never said a word…

“Nana…?” Roji said, as they entered the over-air condition airport. The ticket center was full of people, going here, buying this. All of them strangers, but for the moment, Roji felt safe again. Nana picked her head up, giving him her attention, instead of the Cho-cho Chewy wrapper.

“Did that old lady…” His words disintegrated into whimpers, rounding his shoulders. Roji felt sick, like there was a tiny man punching him from inside his stomach.

“Sleep the whole time?” Nana replied, placing her bagcladded arm on her hips, “Yeah, talk about rude! She could’ve sat somewhere else and slept…” She noticed Roji’s face, his expression was…

Roji was snapped out of his thoughtful trance by Nana’s camera. He was rubbing the spots out of his eyes when she asked, “Roji, what’s wrong.”

He shook his head, putting a smile on, “It’s nothing, c’mon, let’s get those tickets.”

“Tickets?” Nana asked, stuffing the wrapper in her pocket, taking a bite out of the crème filled convection.

The shadow moved up the wall above the door of the Bureau of Supernatural Investigation, eyes appearing out of the gloom that made up its body. Slowly, with a dutifully purpose, it slipped into the office of Muhyo and Roji’s.

“I’m going to America!” Nana cheerfully sang as she climbed up the steps behind Roji, “You didn’t count on me having a credit card, huh?”

Roji gave a forced chuckle, looking down at the tickets he just brought for him and Muhyo. He wouldn’t be happy to hear that Nana was gonna come along…or maybe, he would be. He’s a good guy, deep down inside. Inside…he felt sick inside, that old lady.

(“You will die.”)

“Roji!” Nana’s hand pressed down on the small of his back, causing him to jump, his face flushed, “The door’s open…”

(“You will die.”)

Roji felt sick.

[firepokemon]

Ooh this was an intriguing chapter and you start thinking about what the next chapter will be like. I like that the chapters are coming out fast, always great particular with a new fanfiction someone is starting. There were some mistakes and a few things that didn't make sense which I will show along.

because Roji gave another bough of thank yous, before hanging up the phone.

- Didn't make much sense.

and that ten minuets hold wasn’t

Ten minuets!

- I'm sure you can see the problem with those. I thought it was kinda cute seeing it the next time ^_^

swinging and a swaying them

- May pay to remove the a.

“Roji…?” Nana asked, though hr sure didn’t hear her.

- he

the stair well

- stairwell

“You though you

that’d be wrong;

While technically correct I just wonder if saying that would be wrong so she let out...... (but thats up to you its fine as it is)

“What?” Roji stumbled into the aisle, and like something out of a well planned movie, he was pushed down and out by the other commuters, who all of the sudden decided to get off the bus. He yelled for Nana, bobbling out of the rushing crowd like he just fell out of a tiny wooden boat. She was lost in the jumble of riders, apparently noticing nothing strange. Roji glanced at the old lady before he was forcefully kicked off the bus. She has there, neatly and old, as though he never said a word…

- This piece just sounds slightly off. So I would suggest reviewing it some stage.

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Its great that you're getting the chapters out nice and fast. I look forward to reading more. I can see good stuff about to happen, and this was a great set-up chapter. Dialogue was very good, another plus. Theres sound continuous errors, which, one should not be upset about yet. The paragraphing is good, although, in the future each chapter may need to be look at again. As some things are sounding slightly awkward and some of the descriptions perhaps not the best. But you're doing a great favour to yourself by releasing these chapters quick and fast. I look forward to reading the next one.

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6/10.

-3 ..... for errors and some things not making sense. Some things are mispelt while others are just simple mistakes.
-1 ..... Descriptions not the best they could be and things are sounding awkward.

+3 ..... Good set-up chapter. Love the mystery at the end. Certainly looking forward to the next chapter.
+2 ..... Goo dialogue, sounding natural.
+1 ..... Decent length, and its a positive that the chapters are coming fast.

[Houndoom_Lover]

*pulls myself away from the kitchen table* Chili is good everyday! I'm so full *pats my belly* Full enough to update again! Wooosh! ^,^

Wow! I was afraid I did this chapter crappily! What a relief! And on that note, on to the corrections!

Hmmm *had to look up bought using the wikitionary* Oh...oops ^_^u I thought bough many alot, and I supoose that coma doesn't need to be there XD So blond, I'll just be finding a word that actually means that now....O,O Is minuets spelled...wrong? o^-^o Hehe, I always mix those two up! And blam, s! Hmm, that a should be hyphinated, e and a space, add a t...*had to use the find on page thingy* Oh, hm, yes! so instead would fix that, wouldn't it? ^_^

Yeah! Now that I look at it, it is clusmy! I'll just fix that! Fix them all, thanks a whoooooole lot! Next chapter coming up shortly! *rubs the back of my head, grinning* Glad you enjoyed this one ^___^

Quote:
and that ten minuets hold wasn’t

Quote:
Ten minuets!

- I'm sure you can see the problem with those. I thought it was kinda cute seeing it the next time ^_^

I almost left the first one XD The music really was that catchy! EEee! I made me giggle

[Houndoom_Lover]

Author's note: Ooooo! Tell me if I need to re-write this chapter, I'm just not sure...Oh, no! Now I'm scaaaaared T.T I wrote it while my arms were all sore,from Ping-Pong. You'd be surprised how much a little elbow pain can distract some one with so much forcus-...Oh, look!!!! A buuuunnny!!!

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Article 5:

Departure

He stood, errect in front of the ajar door, frighten. Roji’s first thought when his brain got going was ‘Muhyo’! He was probably in a deep sleep by now, would he wake up for- Wait, for what? His brain counted, there was nothing wrong. You leave the door open all the time, unlocked- every window too. You’re a bad assistant, Roji, a very bad one indeed.

He couldn’t take it any longer. With grunt of determination, Roji lunged forward; with both hands out, pushing the door completely open.

“Roji…?!” Nana stumbled in behind him to a monstrous scene. Above the sleeping Muhyo, a creature made of what seemed to be dense darkness fog hovered over the boy’s box-cot-on-stilts bed, a single fog strand that formed a hand had a firm grip of Muhyo’s sleeping head…sleeping. No, his freaky eyes were all wide open.

“Muhyo!” Roji pulled two paper things out of his front pocket, paper things being talisman- the paper kind, more accurately, the Wards of Binding, “Nana, stand back-“

And from that pocket he pulled a pen, a dazzling pen with magical designs on it. Roji quickly wrote strange symbols on the paper talisman, words that sizzled as the pen tip glided over the paper and chucked it at the beast with as much gusto he could manage.

The Bind of Wards flew through the air like a knife of throwing; looking like it would hit the Haunt square one, much to Roji’s joy.

“Yes, it-“ But his celebration was premature, as the Wards of Binding went right through the ghostly creature. The haunt let out a menacing chuckle as two google eyes popping out of the gloom that caused Nana to shriek.

The monster’s fog formed out another strand towards them. Was Muhyo stuck? What was he doing?! Were they…doomed?

“Keh, you shouldn’t get distanced,” Muhyo said, causing the monster to whip around. The small boy sat straight up, like a dead man in a coffin, bobbing forward and backward a bit as sparks danced around his body.

“How?!” The Monster screamed, his eyes growing in size due to disbelief, “How did you beat my sleep paralysis?!”

Muhyo replied by swinging over the side of his bed, his body going right though the fog of the bewildered monster. Quicker then expected, he snatched his book up off the side table, and flipped it open to about the center.

“M-Muhyo…!” Roji wiped tears of thankfulness from his eyes, “I’m so-!! Are you all-“

“Shut up,” Executor Toru Muhyo snapped, his eyes locking with the Monster, who started to drift towards the boy of power, “By the Laws of Magic, Article one one four. For the crimes unlawful sleep paralysis-“

“Stay….! Stay…!” The monster groaned, looking truly terrified, “Stay home…!”

“I sentence you to Harpies Valley!” The book in Muhyo’s hand unleashed a fury of the top class. It arose, seemingly from the book itself, with a twisted ugly face, dirty awkward feathers, and claws ready to rip apart the damned.

“Urgh,” Nana covered her face, the smell of Muhyo’s summoned monster was just too much for her, it made her feel a little light headed. She held on to Roji, for support, who was shaking like a leaf under her, “What…?”

“Hee hee,” Muhyo giggled, watching as the Harpy snatched up the ghoul with its razor class, flapping her manged wings, taking the ghost up up and away, “You’ll be spending eternity, wide awake, while Harpys sing you earbleeding songs, and rub your back with their razor claws.”

“No…He promised!” The ghost stared at Muhyo with wide eyes, “Stay…You will die!”

Muhyo looked unimpressed by this, but Roji…Roji felt sick. He felt the stomach juices creep up his throat, but swallowed, making sure it stay where it belonged. It was one thing to fail in front of Muhyo, but it was another thing to get sick in front of him. He’d never let it go.

As the Harpy disappeared, he snapped his book shut and turned to the pile which was Roji and Nana.

“What’s she doing here?” He snapped at Roji, grouchily.

“What am I going here?!” Nana retorted indignantly, straightened up all the way, “Why you little jerk, I just thought I’d be nice and bring you snacks, but I can see that-“

“And you,” Muhyo looked at Roji, looking at him in such a manner…a human look, there was a human look to Muhyo, not a superior one, one that caused Nana to reach for her camera, “That-“

Ff-shash

“Aaaah,” The picture fell out, one of her eye still closed as she pulled the camera down from her face, “That’s a keeper, see, you can look normal!”

“Get out!” Muhyo smashed his teeth together, grinding them. He jabbed his finger to the door, steamed, but Nana was ready for this. She pulled out the ticket, sticking it right in his face.

“Hah!” She laughed, shaking the ticket about, “You can’t tell me to get out, because I’m coming with you!”

Muhyo ignored Nana completely, stomping up his ladder to his bed. With an ooff, he flopped over into it.

“That lady brought her stuff over,” He addressed Roji, looking particularly irked by the whole thing; he pulled his blanket over his face, “Get that together, I don’t think you can mess that up.”

Roji sighed, picking up the bags Nana dropped. Well, at least they wouldn’t go uneaten! He loved sweets, even though they could never afford them. This trip, he blinked his eyes clear of the tears, was going to be fun…!

[firepokemon]

An action piece, excellent. Perhaps a bit small, but I'm comfortable with that. That was a great chapter really. One got action, some laughs, good dialogue and even some character development.

One area, where I think this requires help is right at the start of the chapter.

You ended the last chapter with

(“You will die.”)

“Roji!” Nana’s hand pressed down on the small of his back, causing him to jump, his face flushed, “The door’s open…”

(“You will die.”)

Roji felt sick.

But you then begin this chapter with:

Roji’s first thought was ‘Muhyo’! He was probably in a deep sleep by now, would he wake up for- Wait, for what? His brain counted, there was nothing wrong. You leave the door open all the time, unlocked- every window too. You’re a bad assistant, Roji, a very bad one indeed.

I just don't know, the chapter just starts awkwardly and may be something you look at improving on in the future.

----

Once again I'll quote a few pieces that are awkward.

that sizzled am and chucked it at the beast.

- It just feels awkward and difficult to follow. Mainly the "am".

through the air like a knife of throwing;

- Perhaps try: through the air like a knife being thrown (not necessarily that but something else that would sound better).

The haunt let out a menacing chuckle, two goggle eyes popping out of the gloom that caused Nana to shriek.

- I don't understand what you mean by "The haunt" and should that be googling eyes?

and claws ready to rip apart the damn.

- And what do you mean by "the damn"?

while Harpy’s sing you ear bleeding songs

- This bit needs rewriting as it doesn't make much sense.

making sure it stay were it belonged

- where not were ^_^ (don't worry its an easy mistake that we all do).

-----

I enjoy this fanfiction, I thought overall this was a great chapter, clearly, some things require cleaning up. But overall you're on the right track and good luck with future chapters.

7/10.

-2 ..... Some things are not making as much sense as they should. Some things need cleaning up.
-1 ..... The beginning of the chapter feels awkward.

+3 ..... Great action piece albeit short.
+2 ..... Great dialogue.
+2 ..... Just overall a good chapter thats enjoyable and makes me want to read more.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Really? *squeaks, poking my head in* That's nice! Yeah, I did start to really poorly, didn't I? *changes that* Man, have I been lazy this week, but never fear, I have a chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter I'm never sure if I write action well. Thank you again! Corrections and update heading your way!

The haunt: A term for a big bad ghost. All though, haunt isn't the proper term for this kinda ghost...Hm.

...................) )
...................l OP
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<-------(666666)
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[Houndoom_Lover]

Article 6:

The Flight

“Coach,” Muhyo hissed venomously between his teeth, sitting next to Roji, who was fiddling with his pen woebegone. The only up side to this, in Muhyo’s opinion was that that Nana girl wasn’t sitting beside him, and he could grind his knees into the fat back on the man who was sitting in front of him…Oh wait, that wasn’t an upside, “I’d rather’ve walked. Coach…” He continued to mutter under his breath, folding his legs.

Muhyo rule no. 5…

“But Muhyo,” Roji said, feeling that his criticism were really uncalled for, after all, they hardly had enough money to buy food, let alone scrounge up enough for airplane tickets. They’d be eating cardboard for months after this, “These were the only ones we could afford…maybe if we charged.”

...Never charge a client…

“We don’t charge Clients,” Muhyo sighed, closing his big almond eyes, “you know that, Roji.”

Roji pouted, wondering what it was like to be able to sleep on cue. Luckily, he managed to smuggle a few boxes of Nana’s tasty snack cakes on the plane. ‘Hehe’, he thought to himself, as he bend down as though to tie is shoe but really he was opening a cake, ‘I hope Muhyo will let us visit places while we’re here, I-‘

“Attention, passengers,” An attractive female voice said over the intercoms that were located above each and every chair in the airplane, “Please place your seats in an upright position, turn off all electronic devices, and buckle your seat belts. We will be taking of momentarily.”

Roji gasped, quickly buckling his seat belts. He was good and ready to take off on his first airflight ever! C’mon, c’mon…A gentle snoring from beside him caused Roji to jump. Muhyo! What if the plane tumbled and Muhyo fell out of his seat! It be all his fault. So, Roji stuck the snack cake back in his pocket and leaned over to Muhyo as best he could.

“Better buckle you up,” He muttered, yanking the seat belt over Muhyo’s small sleeping body, “Just-in-case.” Roji grunted as he struggled with the belt, finally sticking it in the clicker-holder-thingy. He gave a sigh of relief, as Muhyo slept on.

Nana looked out in amazement of her window, as the plane began to roll. The yellow and white lines soon became yellow and white blurs. She place a soft (albeit large) hand on the airplane window, a window not really glass and yet not really plastic. How she longed to just capture it all with a shutter- a click, a flash…

With a roar, the plane was off!

And Muhyo was up. His eyes snapped open as fast as the jaws of the particularly angry snapping turtle, his teeth at maximum madness. Scary Muhyo was super scarier then usual! The roar from the plane where they were sitting was deafening…Roji sunk into his seat as Muhyo slowly turned his head in his direction.

Nana in first class watched the airport and the city she knew disappear, replacing it a world of tiny ant like people, and small broccoli tree. She couldn’t wait until they got over the ocean…she wondered what the clouds looked like. They gathered altitude, and soon, the seat belt buckle sign and the no electronic sign turned off.

She smiled, watching every pull out there music deceives and whatnot as though there lives depended on it. Nana giggled, people were just-

“Oh!” She gasped, turning her head by chance to the window. The cloud! The clouds looked like happy platforms, if only she could get out and step on them. She knew if wouldn’t really hold her up…but, it looked like they could. Soon she was imagining living on the clouds, how soft and nice they would feel. She would be the cloud princess and-

“Juice, Soda, or Water, Miss?” A stewardess asked sweetly, as she came down the aisle, finally getting to Nana, “We also have different kinds of coffee and tea for your selection today.”

Roji was trembling in his seat. Why wasn’t Muhyo yelling at him, he was just staring at him, menacingly. ‘Hit me, or something, please!’ Roji though, feeling tears of fear coming on. How long could a person glare at someone else, was he going to do this the whole trip?

“Juice or water?” A stewardess asked tonelessly, as she came to the people in front of them. She was holding a trey of five tiny, not even half cups with iced tap water and one orange juice left. Muhyo’s head changed directions, watching the fat man take the last of the orange juice.

Muhyo’s head turned back to glaring at Roji as the stewardess came to them, asking them the same thing. Roji muttered a quick yes, grabbing them each a water. He placed then down in their tacky cup holders, when…

Executor Muhyo whacked Roji in the head with his book, causing it to smoke slight, “Coach!? When we get there, I’ll let Executor Rome use you for show and tell!!”

Executor Rome…Roji looked bewildered, rubbing his burnt bumped head, why did that name sound familiar? It was like he just read it somewhere…didn’t he?

“Muhyo…” Roji asked, sounding as pitiful and needy as humanly possible, “Who’s-Ack?!”

His little boss had his chin tucked into his chest, his shinny blue cape his only blanket. Despite the awful noise, Muhyo managed to fall asleep again.

Roji sighed, a tear dripped from his eye. Oh well, he’d find out soon, he reason, wracking his brain, trying to think of why that name sounded so familiar with that title and all…

Nana sighed happily, watching the sun ripple golden on the sea.

“Your first time flying?” Her neighboring flight guest asked, looking up from his lap top, as he pulled up out a cellular phone. He was the suave, lady killing business type, and Nana’s excitement roused his spirits.

“Uh-hu, it sure is, I’m going with my friends!” She started, and then never stopped. The man, after the first five minuets, deeply regretted starting the conversation.

[firepokemon]

Another set-up piece I see. I'm going to make this post rather short. Theres stuff that needs editing, and you should really spell check before posting your fanfic. Some things are sounding a bit strange and the likes. But I thought rather than pointing our errors and stuff with this chapter. I thought I would rather talk about some character developments and the plot itself this time.

On the positive side, you have made a real effort to develop these characters. Thats a great thing as we learn more about them and the likes. Its great that you use slow set-up pieces before the action begins. However, there are a few issues.

Namely that there seems to be more set-up, character development and development i general than there is actual story development. Now I'm not sure if that stuff is coming up or not perhaps you'd like to share that with us. You clearly have ideas where this story is going which is great and you use dialogue pretty well. But the story just seems to missing something. I guess what I am saying is that the story requires more action rather than simple set-up pieces such as a plane ride. Although I guess what would really help, would be for you to perhaps explain a bit where the story is going. As perhaps I am missing some of the hints in the story.

I just thought I would bring this up now, as you've made about six chapters now, and it could be an issue you you need to look at. But otherwise, I am enjoying your fanfic and will continue to read it. I wonder if reading the actual manga could help my understand of the story a bit more?

Good luck for future chapters and I'll read them as I have been already.

----

Oh and lol so much for this being short ^_^

[Houndoom_Lover]

Oh, noes! I have to do the editing work on my own! ^o^! I'm only as good as my spellcheck, its a sad and unfortunent thing ^-^u. I'll look through it and see what I can do ^_^u...

Aah...um...hm. Now, let me tell you a story. *sits my my rocking chair, lighting up a pipe, and starts to rock*

There once was a little girl who wrote, and every story that she wrote in her style were deemed strangly british...why? The humors were subtle, and the plot exploded towards the end. And sometimes this little girl tries to start the story and move it along with the plot, but finds that she feels clunched doing it that way, thusly will never deviate from her ways again. And that's my story.

*continues to rock, thinking* Well, you're right...the story is going somewhere, and I'm not sure reading the manga would help any, since I'm not taking anothing too far from the manga standpoint. Though the manga rocks ^_^ Every little peice of set up and whatnot is important, I suppose is what I should be saying...like, I'm lazy...really really lazy. And as a lazy person, writting something in a stpry that's not needed usually doesn't happen ^_^u

It is! It is! And I promise that everything will come together and get more actiony!....*exhales* I would really rather not ruin anything, but if you could hold on for four or five, maybe six more chapter, and everything, I hope, will come together. ^_^ But if you really wanna know more, I suppose I can PM you! Thanks for reading and reviwing ^,^! Next chapter!

[Houndoom_Lover]

Author's notes: I wrote this chapter at like two in the morning, pondering, wondering. I can taste what brings the world together and convey it in a story. Sad though, all I taste are tacoes

-------------------------

Article Seven:
The Morning Arrival

Dark lazy clouds passed by them, or rather, they passed them by. Roji leaned his head on the square lumpy headrest, eyelids feeling heavy. How could Muhyo sleep? Roji’s eyes shut just a little bite more. When there was so many interesting things to see out the window...and not just that, they were going to meet another Executor, which reminded him- Oh, he couldn’t take it anymore!

“Muhyo,” Roji asked sleepily, taping the side of the sleeping boy’s head, “Muhyo, I’ve got a question.”

Muhyo grunted in his sleep or maybe said ’what?’. A half asleep Roji decided it was a what.

“What’s so special (His body slumped down in his seat) about this? Cant’t you do it?” And with that, Roji fell asleep, the rest of his sleepy conversation muttered in his head, and between his lips as silence. Muhyo replied with a leg twitched. The plane hummed with the dull sound of sleep and air motion.

Up in first class, much was the same, though they has an in flight movie to lull them to sleep. Such sweet sleep.

Roji entered a room full of people. People he didn’t know at all. Faceless or masked, it was unknowable for they were all blurry, and were facing the opposite direction of him, each of them, as thought they were avoiding him entirely. Facing, that’s right. For some reason, that room scared him, but he knew he must walk forward. Must walk through it.

They were eating off silver trays, which were being served by twisting people in wicked smiling masks. Fancy women with blurred faces and big wigs picked up the food, which was nothing more then green triangles. Everyone was all dressed up, like they were going to a medieval ball.

Slowly, as he made his way through, the dinning room table came into view- with its bright soft orange blocks, set upon in stacks of the soft linen tablecloth. He needed one of those oranges, he didn’t know why, but he just did.

Roji stretched out his arm, reaching out for a block, knowing he could never sit down at such a fancy table with the dollies and such. His fingers...trembling...so close, just a little bit more. Just a little bit farther- his finger touched the orange block.

As quick as a flash, the blurry faced faceless or masked people all turned and looked at him at once, the force of their sudden turn about creating enough wind to knock the blocks and triangle all around the room.

They scared him. The faceless people. They scared him- and they all were staring at him. Roji felt his heart skip a beat, as he lifted his hand to his face and-

“AAAaaaaargg!” Roji snapped awake, cold sweat clinging to him. Cold sweat on his face, and Muhyo’s foot in his jaw. The force of the kick sent him fly from his seat.

“What the hell?” The nearby passenger whose armrest was now causing Roji some mild head trauma asked, looking down both ticked and sleepy.

“He’s okay,” Muhyo replied, yawning, “Just flip him over.”

The man gave Roji a good whack, which sent him reeling back so that he ker-thudded the back of his head, leaving a good goose egg. The score: Sleepy passengers one, Roji zip, zero, nought, nothing’...

The airplane gave a great rumble, as the sun peaked up over the horizon, tickling the underbelly of the clouds with its golden rays.

[firepokemon]

Hmm I'll start with a good. Once again nice paragraphing and it was rather enjoyable and I chuckled at the end.

But on the other side, there are way too many blatant errors that all a basic second read would fix. Its great that you are able to produce chapters pretty quickly and clearly you have a wonderful gasp of ideas. But you also need to use those to their benefits. Your story is a great story, but there keeps being way too any basic errors. So I would advise that next time, you decide to write something at 2am. That you instead put the writing in word or another word processor, save it for the night. Then the next day, have a read of it so you can fix your mistakes.

Examples:

Roji’s eyes shut just a little bite more.

Its bit

When there was so many interesting things to see out the window...and not just that, they were going to meet another Executor, which reminded him- Oh, he couldn’t take it anymore!

- I'm not sure that makes as much sense as it could.

[quote]“Muhyo,” Roji asked sleepily, taping the side of the sleeping boy’s head,[/quote

- Why I believe that should be tapping.

Muhyo replied with a leg twitched.

- I don't get it.

[quote]though they has an in flight movie to lull them to sleep. [/quote

have not has.

thought they were avoiding him entirely.

- Thats though

the dinning room table

dining

As quick as a flash, the blurry faced faceless or masked people all turned and looked at him at once, the force of their sudden turn about creating enough wind to knock the blocks and triangle all around the room.

- Sounds awkward.

The force of the kick sent him fly from his seat.

- flying would sound better.

leaving a good goose egg.

Not the best use of language. Suggest reviewing.

5/10.

-4 ..... Too many mistakes, not enough self-checking
-1 ..... Few sentences are awkward.

+3 ..... Your ability to bring forth ideas down on paper is something one should admire. And I certainly admire such a feat.
+2 ..... Made me chuckle, decent dialogue, decent story.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Ah! Crap! Upon actually looking at this after I've updated, I see that I put the unedited one up. Opps! That's the first time I actually did that here...I think ^_^u I do it all the time on FF.net. I save them in two different spots for my friend to practise proof reading from my hidious grammar*rubs the back of my head* Snort, I wonder if I put the right one up anywhere. Now I hafta go check >.@ Cho!Cho!Cho! It keeps me going! Thanks a whooole buntch!

Buuut, that you for reading and reviewing! And bringing such matters to my attention, I'm far too spacey to notice such things! o^.^o Hehe! Thank you for the admirations, and your liking of the story! As soon as I fix this chapter, though, you might have to wait a little more for the next chapter. I'm waiting for the next graphic novel so I can have the proper terminology. I'm a bit of a freak about that ^_^! Thank again!