Review of “Pride Unbound”

Plot (16/20 points): I really got caught up in the plot of this story. Granted, it was a lot to take on at once and I felt like I was walking into a story half-way through – which, of course, is what was happening, but it made it briefly difficult to keep up. Giant lizards? Spaceships? Okay, a sci-fi is what we’re dealing with, then. Having said that, I liked the progression of the story, Shepard’s thoughts, the conversation and conflict with Grunt, the end where the lucid dreams are tormenting her. It was enthralling and the fact that it wasn’t resolved within the parameters of the story didn’t bother me: it felt like a short piece taken from a much longer piece, and that suited me fine, because it was like a small chapter and it felt self-contained.

Plot Originality (7/10 points): The core theme of this story has been done before – and I can’t even think off the top of my head in which texts, but there have been loads of them, I think it’s quite common in sci-fi or fantasy to deal with this idea of an entity controlling or infecting a person from within (okay, Animorphs and Harry Potter for two really random examples, but I’m sure lots of sci-fi shows have done this kind of thing). This was done pretty well, though, and the idea that the exposure to the reaper object has just kind of caused Shepard to have these dreams rather than be completely taken over by the foreign entity is a bit different, as with the actual world view of the voice in the dreams. Unique enough to not feel like a rehash.

Writing Style (16/20 points): I really like your writing style; it has a very literary quality to it and you sound like an experience writer so I could kind of sit back and allow this nice little story be told to me. Toward the end of the story it ramped up a bit and became more dramatic, and this flair worked really well. You balanced narrative with dialogue very well in this piece; and I liked that the dialogue was actually rough and ready, not dull and script-like. There was a bit of an attitude to the narrative voice that, even though it was in the third person, gave the narrator an edge.

Spelling and Grammar (7.5/10 points): Mostly the spelling and grammar were at a professional level, though there were a few points where I thought the commas were a little overused. Also, the capitalisation of the subject pronoun after dialogue bothered me a bit, and there were instances where a new line could have worked for the line of description that followed some dialogue. There was also at least one word omitted altogether (“crashing into wall”). On the whole, though, it read well and was gramatically strong.

Characters (12/15 points): I quite liked the interaction between Grunt and Shepard, and it was through this exchange that we learned a lot about both of them. Shepard’s cold, hard exterior is new, so we can determine that she was previously at least a little more merciful. Grunt, despite his externally threatening appearance, is the voice of mercy and reason in the dialogue. I liked both characters, and I felt genuinely worried for Shepard when it became clear she was being tormented by this alien voice in her head. Her growing wrath and pride is quite frightening.

Settings (11.5/15 points): The setting did its job, I think, in this story. It wasn’t really necessary for it to play a much larger role, although it might have been helpful to have a bit more of a scene-setting sentence when Shepard first wakes up, just to establish exactly where we are, because I didn’t work out we were in Shepard’s quarters until it was mentioned a good few paragraphs in, and by that stage I’d distracted myself trying to work out where we were. The end visual of the Earth’s destruction and Shepard’s corpse being lost in a sea of bodies was a very strong, and disturbing, way of concluding.

Overall Appreciation (9/10 points): The story read well, flowed well from its sudden beginning to its troubling finish. It didn’t jar, it didn’t break in its tension: it was a success and a good, sustained piece of suspenseful science fiction.

Final Result: 79/100 = 79%

Closing Comments: A very successful piece that really engaged me. A bit of work on the grammar and formatting would hone this a little more, and perhaps a little more description of the surrounds and what exactly is going on in the world of the story would be helpful. I had the feeling that I was reading a small fragment of something in a large, established canon and I wanted the backstory; I wanted to know what time and place we were situation, and that didn’t happen. I’m sure in a longer piece it would, though. In all, I think the success of this piece came down to its strong characterisation, especially of Shepard, and great dialogue. Congratulations, this dealt with the idea of excess pride – and perhaps wrath – very effectively.