Chapter 2: Disobedient Pidgey
Kelly, Agnes and Jackie ran like Zubats out of hell until Agnes was completely out of breath. Far from athletic, Agnes had slacked in all Train the Trainer lessons during the last two years, and she collapsed to the ground wheezing.
"Girl," said Jackie; she was by far the least out of breath. "We need to get you in shape if we're going to survive on the lam."
Kelly took a deep swig of water from her refillable bottle. "Agnes," she said, panting. "Don't worry about it. If the cops come after us, we can always fight them with our Pokemon."
"You--two--don't--get--it," rasped Agnes. She straightened herself up and dusted off her leggings. "I--have--a--chest--and you don't." she whined.
"So, we're on the lam, then," said Kelly, changing the subject. "I have no idea how we're going to get to Hoenn or whatever if we're on the Kanto's Most Wanted list. That professor probably wants to feed us to the Sharpedos! He probably imported them from another country just to torture us."
"Wouldn't that be ironic," spat Jackie bitterly. "I've always wanted to have my life terminated by a Sharpedo."
Agnes and Kelly sat on a tree stump and massaged their sore legs. "Well, today didn't go as planned," said Agnes. "I'm already sick of this and it's only 9:30 in the morning. Worst birthday ever!"
Kelly sighed. "I don't want to do this anymore," she moaned. "The best thing we can do is make it to Viridian City and join Team Rocket or something before we're arrested."
"Maybe not," said Jackie. She was looking at the Pokedex that had been inside her brown paper bag. "I'm reading the news now. Apparently they did find the remains of a Weezing in the Pokemon Lab! Who knows what kind of messed-up shit that professor was doing to that poor Pokemon?"
"That's awesome!" said Kelly. "Thank you for the sacrifice, Weezing! Obviously the press is going to believe us over that rotten professor since we're so cute and perfect in every way."
"That's... actually completely plausible," said Agnes. "Best birthday ever!"
Kelly flipped her hair back. "This is amazing! Almost as amazing as I am, anyway. Maybe with a little luck, we can steal some gym badges and use our Passports to get out of this screwed-up country."
"If we put our heads together, there's nothing we can't do," said Jackie. "Well, while we're here... What do you think we should do first, Agnes?"
"Maybe we can catch some Pokemon for protection," said Agnes. "There's a whole lot of nothing on this trail, though. I don't see any."
"Hmm," said Jackie. The three novice trainers pondered for a few minutes. "Maybe our Pokemon can sniff out the wild ones? They are animals, after all."
Kelly shrugged. "I don't trust this Charmander in the woods. It's the dry season and my Pokemon is literally on fire. The last thing we need is to be wanted for arson and grand theft Pokemon and beating the crap out of that mangy professor."
"Bulbasaur should be good at smelling grass," said Jackie. "Let's give it a shot. What do we have to lose? Come on out, Ganja!"
Jackie released her Bulbasaur from her Poke Ball. "Bleh?" said the critter.
"You named your Pokemon after a drug?" said Agnes, raising an eyebrow. "Something is wrong with you in the head, Jackie."
Jackie laughed. "Nah, you're the one who's uptight, Agnes," said Jackie. "Alright, Ganja, you know what to do. I order you to sniff out some wild Pokemon!"
The Bulbasaur looked left, then right, and scampered off toward the woods. Jackie pulled a packet of Pop-Tarts out of her Silph-Bag and devoured them within a minute; she was one of those people who could eat a ten-scoop ice cream sundae and lose weight. To pass the time, the three read news on their Pokedexes and watched Ganja's rustling trail move along the surface of the wheat blades before them. "Whoa, no shit!" said Kelly, looking up from her Pokedex. "That old codger's corroborated our story! Apparently he has a concussion and said he does not remember what happened."
"Hang on," said Jackie, and she began doing cartwheels and whooping for joy. "We're not wanted criminals, we're not wanted criminals," she sang while cartwheeling down the path.
Agnes poked Kelly's shoulder. "Hey," said Agnes. "Remember when we were little and thought this was going to be easy?"
They watched Jackie cartwheel past them in the other direction. "Vaguely," said Kelly. "I remember when we were little and thought we were going to run away before they Purged us. There's something messed up about the politics of this country. I can guarantee that adults decided to Purge children. I mean, kids want to take off all the time. I definitely wanted to leave my house whenever my mom and dad pissed me off. But we're being forced to do this."
"So either we do it better than anyone else and survive or we circumvent the system and pray for the best," said Agnes. "Or we die."
"Yeah, we could die," sighed Kelly. "But, I mean, it's not like the universe wants such perfect and beautiful people like me to die!"
"No, it kind of does," said Agnes.
"WHAT!" shrieked Kelly. "Are you... backstabbing me? YOU HIDEOUS TRAITOR!"
Agnes stood up and flipped her hair. "Not backstabbing per se, but I am definitely going to shut your narcissism up for a while! Let's battle. Squirtle, I choose you!"
Agnes threw her Poke Ball in the air, and out came...
"...Pidgey?" said the two girls together.
"I have a friggin' Pidgey," muttered Agnes.
Kelly blinked. "I thought for sure that you would have had a Squirtle..." she said, her jaw agape.
"Unbe-freaking-lievable," moaned Agnes. "Professor Oak really does want me to die, doesn't he! Pidgey, get back here!" shouted Agnes, and she pointed the Poke Ball at the bird. But Pidgey did not obey; the Pidgey dodged the beam of fluorescent light and perched itself on a branch, its head turned away from Agnes in defiance.
Kelly scratched her head. "So not only did you get a Pidgey, but she seems to be a complete asshole," she said. "What does your Pokedex have to say about her?"
Agnes reached into her cardigan pocket and took out her Pokedex. She flipped it open and pointed it at the Pidgey. "Pidgey, the bird Pokemon," said the Pokedex. "If you don't know what a Pidgey is, then you don't stand a chance at surviving in the woods. Give up now."
"Wow, go pound sand," said Agnes, flipping off the device.
"No, you go pound sand!" said the Pokedex.
Agnes scowled. "Alright, Einstein, what level is my Pidgey?"
"Level fifteen," replied the little red gadget.
"Hmm," said Kelly. "I remember learning in Train the Trainer that starting Pokemon are standardized at the fifth level to prevent them from disobeying a novice trainer," she said. "So basically, you have a Pokemon you can't use."
"I think I skipped that day to eat ganja brownies with Jackie and play Machop Kart," said Agnes, and Kelly rolled her eyes and muttered of course you did. "How can I make the bird obey my whims?"
"You have to earn the respect of your Pidgey," said Kelly. "Basically, she has to respect your authority as a Trainer."
Agnes frowned. "Okay, I have an idea," she said. She forced a smile and reached her arm into the air. "Oh, Pidgey, are you hungry? Come here, sweetie! Mama's got some yum-yums for you, sugar! Oh, Mama's gonna call you Sweetie Bird, yes she is!"
The Pidgey turned to Agnes and gazed at her with a look of intense curiosity and consideration. "Puu?" said the bird.
"That's right, Sweetie Bird! Come see Mama and have a nice snack. You must be hungry after being starved by that rat bastard professor for so long! Mama has some nice Rattata kibbles for you, yes she does!"
Kelly's eyebrows arched to the moon as the Pidgey, at last, flew over to Agnes. "Good birdie!" said Agnes. She put a hand on the fowl and pet her head. "Now, listen closely, Sweetie Bird." Agnes's complexion then turned dark, and she gripped the bird tightly. "YOU WILL OBEY YOUR MASTER, YOU LITTLE TWIT! BE MY FRIEND! I DEMAND YOU!"
The bird, agitated, tried to rustle itself away, but Agnes's bulk and determination tightened the grip. "Jesus wept, Agnes, put that bird down!" shrieked Kelly. "You're going to ruin any chance of her ever obeying you!"
"NO!" wailed Agnes. "I WANTED TO GET OUT OF THIS MESSED UP COUNTRY AND NOW I AM STUCK WANDERING THE WOODS FOR YEARS, AND THIS BIRD IS MY ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS AND MAKE HAPPY MEMORIES BUT MY HOPES AND DREAMS ARE OVER!" she screamed at the Pidgey. "AND THIS PIDGEY IS GOING TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE OR DEATH FOR ME AND SHE WON'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE, KELLY! THIS WORLD IS SO MESSED UP! I'M ONLY TWELVE!"
Kelly pulled her hair back, "Oh my God, get a grip, Agnes!" she screeched as she tried to wrestle the Pidgey out of Agnes's hands. "Charmander, come out! I need your help!"
In a flash of light, the lizard obeyed. "Chaaa?" said the Charmander. He looked up and assessed the situation. Recognizing the imminent danger, the Charmander jumped at Kelly and scratched her with his claws.
Kelly let out a wail and jumped off Agnes; startled, Agnes dropped the Pidgey, who fell to the ground with a thud. "Charmander, why the hell did you do that to me?" sobbed Kelly; her forearm was bleeding profusely. "I was trying to save that Pidgey's life!"
Agnes sat down next to Kelly and assessed her arm. "I think the Charmander thought you were hurting me and the Pidgey," said Agnes. "That's what he saw. I don't think he meant to hurt you out of spite and malice."
"Bad Charmander!" sniffed Kelly, and she recalled the shamed lizard into his Poke Ball. "Oh, Agnes, my Pokemon's an asshole, too! We're so screwed!"
The two girls began heavily sobbing as they embraced, Kelly's arm staining both girls' clothes as the wound leeched blood, until their faces were so swollen they could barely breathe. Agnes fumbled through her Silph-Bag for some Mimex tissues and, when she finally found them, the two girls blew through half of the box. Able to see and hear again, Agnes turned to put the tissues back in the bag and heard a pitiful weeping sound. Looking up, she saw Sweetie Bird the Pidgey looking at her in return, her own eyes filled with tears.
A pitter-patter behind them distracted the two girls, and they turned away from their pile of used Mimex. Jackie was jogging toward the two. "What fresh hell is this?" said Jackie, assessing the scenario. "Geez, which one of you got the Pidgey? She's just as hormonal as you are!"
"Where the hell have you been?" asked Kelly, standing up.
"Whoa, girl, you're bleeding everywhere," said Jackie. "Hang on, I have some Potion-Lotion in my bag. That'll stop the bleeding at least."
Jackie quickly retrieved the ointment and dumped it on Kelly's arm; the wound immediately closed. "Wow, that was some quick-acting stuff," said Kelly.
"Well, at least now I know that you two are drama," said Jackie.
Kelly shrugged. "Well, Agnes is besties with Sweetie Bird over here now, and my stupid Charmander clawed my arm," she said.
Jackie's eyes widened. "Your Pokemon attacked you?" she asked. "Maybe we should get rid of that one. For the record, Agnes, Squirtle's secretions are medicinal. You can use your Squirtle to help heal wounds."
Agnes laughed coldly. "Oh, but this emo Pidgey is my starter, not Squirtle!" she said. "Please, Sweetie Bird, I need you to be my partner for a while."
The bird hopped into Agnes's lap and nuzzled her arm. "Magnificent," said Kelly bitterly.
"Anyway, while you two were being divas, I've already caught three new Pokemon," said Jackie.
Kelly and Agnes's furious shrieks were heard in Johto.