Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester O_O Chapter 47 O_O

[eevee-shayna]

this is a His Dark Materials/Trainer fic, hope you enjoy. ^_^

Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester


A world of darkness. Hopeless, and dim. A world of joy, a world of hatred. A world of sadness, a world of joy. A world of chaos, a world of understanding. A world full of spirits with unfinished business, waiting hopelessly to be finished, never to be finished. A world of gloom. Death.

She had too much to do, why now? All the things that needed to be done, all the chaos that would be unleashed. There was so much for her to do! Her dæmon; a Rapidash, was disappearing beside her. Why now?

She felt her body pulling away, like when asleep. Pain stung her throat, breath escaped her body. Her dæmon was disappearing; being pulled away by some unknown invisible force, and she became a trapped spirit of Dust. In a world of darkness. Unsettling feelings filled her, than left her along with her breath. One more thought; Why me?


"She’s dead, sir." said a man’s voice, giving up on the lifeless body before him. The two men, Mr. Aldercy, a policeman, and the other Mr. Claec, one of the leagues top Questers, were crouched over the dead body of Professor Apala.

"Did you notice anything suspicious yesterday, when you were battling? After you battled? By the way, congratulations on beating her. Looks like you are the League’s new Champ." said Mr. Aldercy as his dæmon, a Growlithe, sniffed around.

"Thank you, but all I can think of is the battle wore out her dæmon, enough to kill her. So sad, she was a great person." replied Mr. Claec.

"Indeed she was. Indeed she was..." A pause filled the empty arena, than Mr. Aldercy stood up. "We should get her taken care of. Men, lets get her into a bag. We won’t know how she died until we see the results of her autopsy.”

She was carried away, and Mr. Claec walked out of the arena, stroking his dæmon, an Umbreon, with a smug grin on his face.

----

Tiponi Vared is an average girl, living in the town of Quartz, in the Mineral Mountains; a different league then the others. In fact, isolated from the others. Tiponi has wavy, light brown hair that frames her face and flows down her back. She has eyes the color of polished mahogany. She is pale and thin, small for her age. She is the age of 14 and eager, for today, for she will start her journey to become the Quester Champion.

----
Once upon a time there was a people whom lived isolated from the rest of the world. They did not know there was a whole world out of their own, just as we do not know of them. This separation resulted in the people never to evolve and change. Old customs were never replaced by new and all were, and still are, of the same. For example, the reason people start their journeys at the age of 14 and not 10, like most leagues, is because they have to wait for puberty. Why for this? Because everyone in this world of Mineral Mountains is born with a dæmon; their pokémon; their soul. When a child, their dæmon takes the form of a Ditto, allowing it to freely change into any pokémon, until their personality forms. When they become an adult, their dæmon settles on the form that describes them.

For example, now that Tiponi has reached woman-hood, she now has a settled form for her dæmon, and is now able to enter the league to try to become a Champion. In this league, only one person can be a Champion at a time. They are the one who has won the Stamps from all the gyms, and defeated the former Champion. When a Champion is defeated, they step down to retire, and their challenger becomes the new one. So really, the Champion is the best in the league.

Another thing about Mineral Mountains, a person has only one soul, therefore they only have one pokémon; one dæmon. And since you are born with your dæmon/pokémon, there are no wild ones, so a person can only have one pokémon. This seem strange to you? Well, the people of the Mineral Mountains would find it strange that other worlds don’t have dæmons, and own more then one pokémon. Since a dæmon is the person’s soul, when they are hurt, the person is hurt. When the pokémon faints, the person faints. So, Questers have to be extra careful, and are required to love and care for their dæmon. After all, it is your soul. No one but the person may touch his or her own dæmon. It’s considered impolite and also can harm the person. Think about it, how would you like someone petting your soul? Dæmons can touch each other. Souls can touch souls. Dæmons are always the opposite gender of there human. That’s just the way it is. Also, dæmons can talk. Instead of wild pokémon, there are wild animals. You could have a domesticated one as a pet, but would you want to? You have your dæmon. Farms and such exist, but wild animals don't have the gift of speech.

And here’s another difference. In other leagues, the trainers collect badges. This league is separate from the others. They do not yet know of electricity, therefore have different ways of doing things. When you begin, you get a League document. After beating a gym leader, you get a wax stamp (like wax seals) on the document. Instead of trainers, we have Questers. A strange people, eh? Well, I will tell you of these people. The people of the Mineral Mountains.

Now that you know a bit more about this world, lets learn more about this Tiponi...

----

Tiponi was more than happy as the school nurse explained a few things, then sent someone to fetch Tiponi's father. The two were in the Nurse’s Office, but not because Tiponi wasn’t feeling well. In fact, she was feeling better than she ever had. The young woman stood up; her excitement was overwhelming. She had a cramp, but she didn't care. She could be a Quester now! Or at least, very, very soon. Her dæmon, Medwin stood next to her, changing into every pokémon imaginable. That is, until he changed into a Snorlax and realized that wasn't a great idea, considering the smallness of the room, and changed quickly into an Oddish.

"Your father should be coming right over to see your dæmon settle, are you all right?" The nurse said in a bland voice. She obviously wasn't as excited as Tiponi and her father. Probably because she had witnessed dæmons settling so many times.

"I'm all right, I can’t wait to see what Medwin will settle into!" Tiponi answered, dazed by her dæmon's changing so fast.

Finally her father arrived. “Papa, look!” Tiponi said, pointing at her dæmon. Suddenly he had began changing even faster, glowing softly as he did so. The nurse walked over to her desk and casually shielded her eyes.

He changed forms more and more rapidly, the glow around him growing steadily. The room became very bright, and they could no longer see which pokemon Medwin was changing into, the light was almost solid. Tiponi held her father’s hand, and he squeezed hers excitedly. Medwin was cocooned in the pure light, until finally a claw ripped through it like a chick through an egg. Medwin emerged from it as a...





Chapter 1


Tiponi grinned joyfully at her dæmon. “He’s a Charmander! Father, Medwin’s a Charmander!” The excited girl ran towards the orange salamander, then scooped him up and hugged him tightly as the last of the light faded away.

----

It was later that day, and Tiponi was finished packing. Her dad had collected her Quester essentials; map, stamps, paper, food, clothing, first-aid kit, and other provisions she would need.

In no time, Tiponi had said her goodbyes and was on the road to the next town, Lichen.

Tiponi was glad to leave the small town of Quartz. As much as she loved her dad, he kind of bugged her sometimes. He was always trying to be new-aged. For instance, his dæmon was a Makuhita, one of the newer kind of pokemon. Makuhita was considered new because people in the Mineral Mountains had only began obtaining it as a dæmon for barely a hundred years. That was one of the things Tiponi liked about Medwin being a Charmander, he was a nice and old-fashioned pokemon.

Tiponi was glad to leave because the people in Quartz didn’t really accept the concept of Questing. For you see, in doing this, when you lose not only does your dæmon faint, you do too. It’s a dangerous sport that has only been practiced for barely 30 years.

The girl would always get picked on for being into the new sport. Quartz was such a small town, they didn’t even have a gym. Still, Questing gyms in other towns and cities weren’t much of a sight. It would be a rare wonder to behold a whole building devoted to the sport. More often then not, you’d find a mere side room added on to the town/city gym for the “arena”, if you could call it that. And some places didn’t even have that. In those places, you’d find the area borrowed from the local gym, a side room off of the hospital, or maybe just a vacant lot. Questing isn’t a very popular sport in the Mineral Mountains. Many of th people believe it won’t even get off it’s feet.

People like Tiponi’s dad stick up for this “new found” practice. Everyone, including the beginner herself, were surprised Tiponi got into it, being old fashion as she is. At last, her and her father finally found something in common.

As she left the small town, Tiponi had a wide grin on her face. She was leaving all the teasing behind. She was free. She felt like a dove trapped in a small cage for 14 years, and the door of the cage finally had opened. Poking her beak out of the well known cage, spreading her wings for the first time, and flying away freely, barely looking back.

[Samchu]

It's pretty good! Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

It's an interesting twist on the old stereotype of Pokemon training. In this, you really do have to care for your Pokemon (or in this case, dæmon). So battling obviously cannot be nearly as harsh.

I have a very few tips to make it easier and more pleasant to read. First off, watch out for spelling errors. I noticed a few here, such as mahogony (mahogany) and framse (frames, yes, I know it was just a typo). Also, beware the tense switches! Always keep your writing in one tense or the other! Never switch in the same piece! Most of this chapter was in past tense, but there were a few instances where I think you inadvertently (sp?) switched to the present tense.

Another thing, this time regarding your plot line, and a few contradictions: You said early on that the people of your world didn't know about the Pokemon world, and would find it very strange. In that case, it would be inappropriate to make your later reference to Makuhita being "a new type of Pokemon." And on another point, how could Makuhita be a new type of dæmon if she was her father's dæmon? Those seem to contradict themselves. Perhaps I am mistaken, though; maybe later you will show how they are in fact not contradictory at all. I don't know; all I am saying right now is to be careful of that sort of thing. And try not to fall into the typical plotline of the trainer winning the league in a slightly different format than usual. Twist it around a bit! The part with the killing of the League champion sounds intriguing, so that is an idea you may want to pursue. But it is your fic, so you must make these critical decisions! I hope you keep on writing this, as it looks very good so far! And don't worry, I write super-long replies for every new writer I see. It's just my nature. I'll see you later! Keep writing!

[eevee-shayna]

mr_pikachu, thank you a bunch for reveiwing my fic. am glad it was a super long post, because now i know what to work on and dtuff. thanks for the detail, now here is mine;

yes, my spelling sucks. but lucky for me, i can blame it on my editer, MTR. (sticks tonge out at sister)
yes, i do swich tenses, i can never decied which to write in, and how to elaborate in only one. i could blame it on the editer, but it is my fault.
i refer to tiponi's world would think the 'outside' world as being strange because because it is me, the author, speaking not her. when i talk like that, it is to try and conect the reader to the story, as if i am god, or a reporter who knows everything.
Makuhita can easliy be a 'new' pokemon, simply because people in the mineral mountains just started obtaining it as a dæmon, were as no one had ever before. tiponi's dæmon is old fashion because many people have been getting it for thousands of years.
as for plotline, it's very differant, and won't disapoint you. i've actually got 7 chaptors writen, i'm just pacing myself. the i started writing this fic about a year and a half ago, but got writers block, and just got back to writing this summer. the plot id very twisty, and i hope to keep you quesing ^_^

please keep writing long and detailed reveiws, i love constructive crytisism. i'll post the next chaptor soon.

[mr_pikachu]

Hey, hey, whoa! I never said I was gonna make long replies into a habit or anything! It's just that when I make my first reply to a writer or when I see something I've talked about that still hasn't been corrected, I tend to ramble on. (I do that a lot of other times, too, but oh well.) I'll try to keep following along, but if I miss a chapter, don't be dismayed. After all, I'm keeping up with probably 8-12 fics at this point, and those are just the ones that are active! Not to mention writing myself, but once again, I'm rambling on.

Oh, and about the "new Pokemon" comment, I said that because it seems as though Makuhita wouldn't be too "new" anymore. After all, Tiponi's father must be about middle-aged by now, right? Of course, when you put it in the perspective of thousands of years, I guess I can see where you're coming from.

And by the way, if your post were part of your fic, I'd be giving you a lot more trouble about spelling. See you later!

EDIT: Oh, and when you're talking about your editor, are you referring to Mew Trainer Rose?

[eevee-shayna]

yes, Mew Trainer Rose is my editer. she also happens to be my sister.

Chapter 2


Tiponi had been walking for hours, but didn’t mind. To even be a contestant in Questing, she had to be in good shape. If not, she and Medwin would faint at the first blow.

She breathed in deeply and could smell the smoke from a nearby city, Lichen. The city was miles away, but she could still smell and see signs of it. Along with pollution that hung near Lichen, she could see the trees in the forest she was walking through thinning. It looked like the city had evolved to big for the nearer trees, forcing the people to venture deep in the forest for fire wood, and wood for building.

Medwin moved his head back and forth, taking in the sight. “These trees seem to be growing buds, how odd.” He said. “Isn’t a bit early for them?”
He was right. The trees were budding. And yet, it was the beginning of the Leaf Falling Season. Some of the birds were already going back north, fooled by the unusual weather.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said in an unconcerned tone. It was interesting, but Tiponi had heard about the weather so many times that it had almost become boring.

“Hey Medwin, how much longer until we get to Lichen?” she asked her dæmon.

Medwin turned around, and looked up at Tiponi. “How should I know, you’re the one with the map.” Then turned back and continued walking on the rough path. This made the girl smile. Medwin may have changed form, but it was still good old Medwin.

Tiponi knew how much further they had to go, just a few more miles untill they reached Lichen, but the trip was boring. The new Quester could feel her legs already aching from the walk. Back home in Quartz, she was always promising herself she’d be in top shape when she left. Of course, she never much liked exercising, and had excused herself from it. Noticing her rabbit-like heart beat, Tiponi wished she hadn’t put the vital training aside. She scratched her itchy, wool skirt. Yet another thing that made her old fashoined. Tiponi had been told of some “new aged” girls who actualy wore boy’s trousers. Could you imagine? Pretty soon, they’d by cutting their hair short! Nope, but not Tiponi. The traditional ankle-length wool skirt with a proper layer of petticoats suited her just fine.

In an attempt to amuse herself, she pulled a peice of parchment out of her pocket, and ran her fingers over it. When unfolded, the top of the tanned paper read “Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester” The words were writen in fancy loops, her father’s hand. And under the letters was a large empty space, ment for wax imprints of the gyms she was determened to beat. Smiling at the thought of the space being full with wax marks, Tiponi didn’t notice a person walking up to her.

“Hey, whatcha doin’ here without a Mother or Pa?” asked the rough looking blond headed boy in front of her. He was holding an ax, and his hands looked dirty. From the look of it, he had probably been sent miles up from the city to cut and bring back some fire wood.

Tiponi lifted her chin slightly and said in a steady voice “I’m pasing through towns. I didn’t know it was illegal to go without a parent.” Obviously, the boy didn’t like her answer. He scowled when his eyes met the parchment in the girl’s hand.

“Ain’t that one of ‘em battling cards?” he asked in disgust.

“If you mean a Questing license, then yes, that’s what it is.” She replied in a less steady voice.

“Me Pa told me about Questing.” He answered, spitting the word as if it was poisonous. “If ya’ think ya’ can just waltz dandy-like into me ‘ome city.” He began, clearly angry with Tiponi, holding his ax a little higher. “Then ya’ got ya’self another thing coming. Ain’t that right Choppa’?” A tired looking Ditto wobbled up from behind, no doubt the boy’s dæmon, holding a large stack of wood. “Yeah,” was all it said.

Medwin, taking in the scene, finally stepped forward and called; “Okay, will you people just lay off each other? We’ve all got places to be and don’t have the time to be standing here arguing. Come on Tiponi, let’s go.” And before the foul boy could add in another word, Medwin had grabbed the girl’s hand and was ushering her down the path, further away from where they had been.

After they were out of view, Medwin rolled his eyes at Tiponi and with his little attitude, simply said “Honestly Tiponi, must you get in fights with every person who doesn’t have the same opinion as you? I know you heard Mr. Vared tell you there are a lot of people who are strongly opposed to the sport of Questing, so stay clear of them and don’t get into trouble!”

“He was the one fighting because I didn’t have the same opinion” mumbled back Tiponi.

“Oh, stop making excuses! Why do you always do that?” replied the Charmander.

“I only do because present company has taught me.” She replied right back.

“I do not make up excuses!”

“You do too, and you’ve become quite good at it.”

“Only because-”

“AH-HA!”

The Charmander grumbled when he realized he had been beat.

Tiponi stifled a chuckle while she put the parchment back in her pocket.

The two made their way to the city in silence, and headed to the gym.

[mr_pikachu]

Yes, it certainly appears that there is some major controversy over Questing! I wonder if Tiponi's going to get into more trouble than she bargained for as she goes from town to town? We shall see.

You did a lot better with spelling on this second chapter. I give you a lot of credit for that; many people don't even notice their mistakes when they edit because they don't know they're mistakes. But you did a quality job of editing, leaving only one or two mistakes that I saw in the entire chapter. Good work! You should be commended for taking the time to do that.

A few notes on things I noticed: First, remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks (or thinks). You did a good job of it most of the way through, but the part with the ax-wielding boy and his Ditto had a paragraph where they both speak. Yes, even if all the Ditto said was “Yeah,” it still counts. And yes, I am going to keep mentioning it if you do it again. I hate how I'm a stickler for those sort of things... Anyway, the second note I wanted to make was that it's usually not a good idea to put a noise simply as the noise with asterisks around it (in this case, *grumble*). It's a better idea to describe the noise rather than to make a blunt, non-descriptive word in its place. Even something like "Medwin grumbled defeatedly," would be better. It's just a note for future reference, not a major criticism. It just seems a bit out of place in a work of literature. In a regular post, it's fine. Heck, I do that all the time!

All in all, this was good! I look forward to seeing the first Gym match, and if Tiponi can survive it with her lack of training!

EDIT: Then again, maybe long replies will become a habit... *looks back at post*

[Mew Trainer Rose]

But you did a quality job of editing, leaving only one or two mistakes that I saw in the entire chapter. Good work! You should be commended for taking the time to do that.

more like, she should be commended for getting me to take the time to do that. All hail the editor! ^_^

Yes, i am indeed eevee's editor and sister. I have to keep in mind your advise as much as she does, so i can correct her mistakes. And i also look forward to seeing how this fic turns out (tho i get to find out before everyone else. )

[eevee-shayna]

at this site i have a picy of the mineral mountain map

community.webshots.com/user/eeveeshayna

click on the album titled Tiponi, Dæmon League quester the other album in of hamhams from an RPG of mine, so ignore them

[mr_pikachu]

Actually, I'd prefer not to see it. And here's the explanation... *drum roll*

A good author allows the reader to see the images without ever showing him/her a map or picture. Therefore, I will sort of "judge" your ability to paint the picture with words rather than shapes and colors. Thus, I cannot look at the map at the present time. But thank you for the offer; I'm sure there are closet readers (as well as Samchu) who would love to see the map to get a better perspective. Have fun writing Chapter 3! And don't rush yourself! We'd rather wait a month to see a quality chapter than wait 10 seconds to get a piece of (insert preferred expletive here). Well, most of us, anyway. Good luck, and go for it!

And lol, you two don't have to be in competition for the praise! Kids these days... oh, wait, I'm a kid too...

[eevee-shayna]

interestingly enough, i drew the map first, and then based the fic on it. origianly my sis and i were trying to come up with different lands for pokemon, this one was actually called Topeg mountains. then we started making badges for each town, and then a charactor to live in it. and that, my friends, is the story of how TDLQ was formed.

third chap will be up soon.

[eevee-shayna]

anyway, here's the third chapter as requested. ^_^

Chapter 3

Tiponi noticed as they entered the city that they had arrived just before nightfall. The city’s lamp lighters were already out, walking on their stilts and bringing lit torches to awaiting candle wicks surrounded by glass and sitting on top of tall poles. She stood in amazement. They had street lamps at almost every corner! Back in her home town of Quartz, there were only a few, and they were only in front of the important buildings, like the bank, and the town hall.

The girl had always wondered why her dad had never moved here. They were into new things, and certainly had a better gym for the new sport for Dæmon League Questing. Everyone in Quartz hated the sport. You’d think he’d want to live where his love for the sport could be shared. Because of her father’s, and her own, love for the sport, she was always picked on, which had resulted in her being shy. Her dad never gave a straight answer when the question came up. Just nodded his head and walk off.

“Hey, Tiponi! Are you gonna just stand there day-dreaming, or are we going into the gym?” Medwin said, interrupting her musings.

Tiponi’s gaze suddenly rested on the city’s gym. Inside lay a real dæmon battling room! What a thought, having a real battle, where she won just because her dad didn’t want her to faint. After all, the only battles she had had were against her father, and he wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Tiponi! Will you get going? Your father wanted us to be inside before nightfall, now come on!” Medwin hurried the new Quester into the gym.

The room was filled with new exercising contraptions that had caught on in many towns and cities, but that was not what Tiponi was looking for. After wandering around, she found the door that led to the battling room. Just as she made her way toward the labeled, but otherwise plain wooden door, a man sitting next to it said in a loud, angry voice, “And where do you think you’re going, missy?” Obviously he had been waiting for someone to try to walk through the entrance. And, equally obvious, he was not a fan of Questers.

Tiponi stopped dead in her tracks. “I-I’m, uh..” she answered in an unsteady voice.

“You’re one of those lousy Questers, aren’t you, missy? Your father must of raised you terrible, letting you go from town to town trying to faint other human beings. What were you, raised in a barn?!” the man roared at her. The girl began to tremble with fear.

“Alright, now that’s enough. Maybe you’re the one who was raised in a barn, sir. Yelling a little girls. You out to be ashamed of yourself! And I take offence to that remark, we grew up respectably on a farm.” yelled Medwin.

By now, the whole room full of people had stopped and were listening. “Now see here,” began a man who started putting down his dumbells, “The rude dæmon was right, don’t yell at the young lady. She has every right to go be a Quester. She doesn’t need your permission.”

“Questing’ shouldn’t be a sport in the first place, if you can call it a sport.” piped in a man who had been doing sit-ups.

Unexpectedly, the dumbell man picked up the 10 pound metal weight, and threw it into the sit-up man’s face. Pretty soon, there was a small riot. Fists and heavy objects were flying everywhere. Tiponi, who had to be half dragged by Medwin, slipped through the door to the room she eagerly had been waiting for.

----

The room wasn’t very fancy, or special. In fact, you could describe it as being painfully plain. It was a small wood-walled room with a dirt floor and lucky to have the poor roofing it had at all. There were a few small windows, with thin cloth instead of glass, and a bunch of candles on unsturdy-looking tables hugging the walls for light. In the middle of the room was a large, chalked rectangle shape, with a smaller rectangle drawn inside it. Tiponi’s father had taught her about this. The battling dæmons went in the middle rectangle while the Questers would be in the rim, able to move around so the two weren’t too far away from eachother. After all, only witch’s dæmon’s could be far away from their humans. Humans like Tiponi could only be so far away from her dæmon. It was like there was an invisible leash between dæmon and human.

“It’s not polite to linger in doorways, come in, come in.” said a woman from the back of the room. She had short dark hair with thin eyes and a bright, friendly smile. “Welcome to Lichen’s ground-type battling arena. I’m Mafuame, and this is my dæmon, Hesutu. And you’r name?” A Nincada tunnled up from the ground. Medwin nudged the new Quester.

“Oh, I-I’m....”

“Tiponi.” Whispered the Charmander harshly.

“Uh, right. I’m Tiponi Vared from Quartz, and this is my dæmon....”

“Medwin.”

“Yeah, Medwin.” Mafuame chuckled at the girl’s nervousness, then raised an eyebrow.

“Tiponi Vared, eh? Isn’t that interesting. I’ve been wondering when you’d be coming...but never mind that. Let’s get started, you can put your pack next to the door. You stand on that side of the rim, there you go, and Medwin stand in the mid--Right.” She said, seeing that the Charmander had eagerly sprung into the center. “Okay, the rules. Battle ends when one of us pairs faints, and the winner stays with them until they wake. Dæmons can’t leave the Rec, and Questers can’t leave the Rim. Hesutu, no tunneling. Any thing you want to add, Tiponi?”

Tiponi nodded in confirmation. She noticed that Mafuame had said Rec, which was Quester slang for the middle rectangle.

“Right. By the rules passed down to me, I’ll need you’re Questing Parchment for verification. It will be given back to you when we are both able, thank you. Now we can start.”

Medwin charged at Hesutu and flailed his arms in a move that could almost be recognized as Scratch. The Nincada looked back at it’s human, who gave a small nod, before Headbutting the barely trained Charmander. The pain was evenly distributed between Tiponi and Medwin, who where both used to Mr. Vared’s soft attacks. While they were distracted by the pain, Hesutu gave another healthy dose of pain. Or rather, unhealthy. Medwin was at the edge of the Rec, but Tiponi was to shy, and too blinded with pain to correct him. Neither saw what move the next attack was, because they were both doubled over in pain. They just remembered a tremendous amount of agony, and the darkness that followed.

[pikachu_rulez]

Hmm...this sounds really interesting so far...I like the idea of the dæmons--and the fact that they can talk! That's always nice...in Pokemon trainer fics people just write, "Pika pika" or something like that, but at least you know what the dæmons are saying. YAY to that!

The whole Quester idea is cool too--at least you can't loose wax stamps (I've always wondered what would happen if Ash's badges fell off of his vest or something...haha). The whole town sounds kind of...I'm not sure what words I'm looking for (and I don't want to offend anyone -_-;; )...maybe a little...coloniel, since you said Tiponi's outfit was a skirt and petticoats and stuff, and 'Heavan forbid the girls wear boy's trousers or get their hair cut!'.

And praise to the editor, even if your spelling is already pretty good

[mr_pikachu]

Well, Tiponi and Medwin are finally battling for real. Unfortunately, it looks as if they've gotten destroyed in their first match already...

A few notes. Still, watch the spelling. There were one or two mistakes in here, and at least one was a homonym switch. Also, watch the anime references. They are not exactly highly regarded in fanfics. Try describing more of the look on the person's face, and details that can be described like that. We all know what a "sweatdrop" looks like, but it's not the best form of description. Try going for something a little more real, if you know what I mean. Less anime-ish.

On another note, I like the description of how most people don't approve of Questing. It sounds a lot like things in the past of our society, such as racial discrimination, gender-based discrimination, etc. This makes the fic a lot more realistic, especially because in this case we can see both points of view clearly. But don't worry, I'm sure people will warm up to Questing over time.

Nicely done, and I await Chapter 4 whenever you're ready!

[Samchu]

Sorry I haven't posted in here in so long, I've been kinda busy.
What can i say? This is a GREAT story! The whole concept of having a bond between the questers and their dæmon. I think it makes them both appear more realistic and makes it easier to put forth their individual personalities.

I personally liked the comment:

Tiponi had been told of some “new aged” girls who actualy wore boy’s trousers. Could you imagine? Pretty soon, they’d by cutting their hair short!

Mostly because I, being a tomboy, have short hair and wears boy's trousers, but it was also a great insight into how old-fashioned Tiponi's hometown is. Especialy because clothing that is common to us was refered to as "new aged".

*Suddenly realises that her post is dragging on and decides to wrap it up.*

I'd like to finish up by saying that the last few chapters have been a pleasure to read and I think that both eevee-shayna and her very talented editored have done a splendid job on this fic.
KEEP IT UP!

[eevee-shayna]

thanx peoples. here ya'll go;

Chapter 4

Tiponi had an unbelievable headache and a sick feeling in her stomach. She could feel Medwin’s warm body next to her. In the background, she could hear voices and rustling papers. With some effort, Tiponi lifted her eyelids. This revealed fuzzy figures walking around in a bright room which hurt her eyes. This also brought a voice to yell “Hey, she’s awake!” This shouting made her head pound even harder. In a desperate attempt to ease the pain, she closed her eyes. At least the light wasn’t hurting her anymore.

“Here Tiponi, swallow this.” The pained girl recognized that voice, but before she could figure out who it was at the moment. A cool liquid was poured through her lips. She swallowed thirstily, realizing just then how dry her throat was.

“You’ve been fainted for a day and a half, now,” said the familiar voice, as some stray droplets trickled on her chin and down her neck, “You’re dæmon woke up a few hours ago, and drank some water. He’s sleeping now. I’m sorry for hurting you two.” Tiponi finished her water and realized it was the gym leader talking to her.

“There, now. Go to sleep. Rest up.”


When Tiponi awoke next, she was in a less comfortable sitting position, and the voices in the background were different, maybe angry would describe them. She also realized that she really had to use the bathroom, and that her pad needed washing. At least her head didn’t ache so badly anymore. When she opened her eyes, it wasn’t as bright and her vision wasn’t all fuzzy. Again, she was greeted by, “Hey, she’s awake,” but this voice she did not know. It was just then that she realized that she was not in the hospital, but a Police Station! Why was she here?

“Well Miss Tiponi Vared, we’ll be needing you for questioning,” answered a policeman to her unspoken question. The girl sat up, which was when she bumped into her dæmon. Medwin, who was unhappy with the rude awakening, nudged her in the stomach, bringing her mind to where the nearest out-house was.

“Now, it seems that you were the cause of a riot two-”

“Um, Sir? I-”

“No need for explaining, Miss Tip-”

“Would it be possible to locate an out-house, sir?” said Tiponi, rather loudly. At that point she had forgoten about her shyness, she just really had to go. After all, she hadn’t for two days.

“Uh, yes Miss, behind this building, behind the well.”

Tiponi bolted out of there closely followed by Medwin, who equally needed to releave himself.
----

When they came back, feeling refreshed, the policeman nodded them to two chairs. Medwin’s had a hole for his tail, and both were right next to their friend Mafuame, the ground type gym leader. On her lap was Hesutu, her Nincada dæmon looking bored.

“Hello, Tiponi and Medwin, have some food. It seems we need to talk with this police man about a happening in the city gym. Would you like to tell us what happened?”

The police man looked anoyed at having his line taken. “Erm-herm. Yes, what she said.”

Medwin could already see that Tiponi was too shy to pipe up, so he talked. “Oh, come on Tiponi, you can yap my ear off, but you spare theirs? Alright, this is what it’s like. You see, me and Tiponi are Questers-”

“Well that is your problem right there.” Grumbled a man in a courner seat. The embarrassed girl recognized him as the man guarding the battling gym door. And a few seats away was the man with the dumbbells. In fact, all the people who were in the room were here right now. Tiponi felt like sinking into a small hole and never coming out again.

“Now sir, let her tell the story. Go on, Miss.”

Medwin looked up at his human, rolled his eyes, and continued. “Anyway, I was ready to get in the room since it was night time and I was really bored, when this man comes out of no where and tells us that we are inhumane and shouldn’t be allowed to live, and then he-”

“I didn’t say that! I merly asked-”

“It’s not your turn, sir. Go ahead,” said the policeman, “you over-dramatic dæmon.” He mumbled that last part. Thankfully, Medwin didn’t hear that and continued.

“Well, I didn’t do anything wrong, it was them who fought over us being in the room.”

The police man nodded his head and answered “Thank you, dæmon, that’s what I’ve heard. And I think we can all agree that it is perfectly legal for a little girl and her dæmon to go through a public door, if she chooses to. But, are you a legal quester-”

“I can prove that, sir.” spoke up Mafuame. “As a Gym Leader, I have to hold onto the Quester’s parchment until it can be returned to them after a battle. Here you go,” she said and handed him the parchment.

The policeman, clearly annoyed being interrupted again. “Yes, well, by this official paper, you are a Quester. Right. Here you go, Miss Vared, you can have it back. Well, it looks like another riot broken out over the...discussion of battling. I myself don’t care for the sport, but I just enforce the law, I don’t make it. Okay, all of you are free to go, under a warning. Remember, I have all of your names on file, so please keep your...opinions to yourself. Run along, then.”

Everyone stood up, the rioters sneering at each other, while Tiponi pocketed her parchment. As she began to leave, Mafuame stopped her before she exited.

“Um, Tiponi. I was, uh, wondering... would you like to train with me? Because, well, I was just thinking, you could probably use some more training, and...”

Tiponi smiled widely. She couldn’t believe her luck. Even Medwin seemed happy.

“That would be wonderful, Mafuame. I would love to train with you.”

The gym leader looked relieved. “I’m glad. I wouldn’t want you to go out into the Questing world because, well frankly, you suck.” She looked uneasy with her wording until she saw a smile spread across Tiponi’s face, which was mirrored onto her own face. They both broke into laughter as they walked together to the gym.

[mr_pikachu]

Nice chapter! This seems very realistic, what with the conflict over questing, and everyone being against it except for the few that are deeply involved. It could almost remind oneself of the issue of slavery. But let's get back to the fic.

This was a nice chapter. Very well done; I see all the guys at the Gym made another appearance. I wonder if we'll be seeing them again? You didn't use much description of the settings, but frankly, you didn't need it for this chapter. The description you had was enough, and besides, you did a fine job of describing how Tiponi felt. The dialogue was good, and the rude policeman was interrupted time and time again... Anyway, nice work, and I can't wait for Chapter 5!

[Samchu]

Way to go! Another cool chapter!
I agree with Mr_Pikachu about how realistic your story is, (yeah I know it's a fiction but still you can really relate to it).
I really like how this story can have a serious scene and yet still have parts that stand out as being quite funny, it adds a comedic characteristic to the characters.
Anyways, it was great. I can't wait for the next one!

[eevee-shayna]

*smiles widely* happyness.

yes, it's true i don't describe what the building looks like, thats because i don't think i really need to explain it, it doesn't add anything.

no constructive crytisism? my spelling? grammer? anything i left out? guess i'm perfect! *gets stared at by anonomous eyes* ok, not perfect. *inches away*

thanx for reading, as fun as it is to right the fic, the icing on the cake is getting responce on what peoples think. ^_^

[Samchu]

Urges Eevee-shayna to post new chapter.
Please please please!

[Mew Trainer Rose]

She'll post it soon. We've been having trouble with viruses on our computer, so she hasn't been able to get on for a bit. -_-

[eevee-shayna]

ok, ok. here's next chappy

Chapter 5

Tiponi and Medwin lived with their new friend, Mafuame for many weeks. They engaged in intense training. Every few weeks a messenger would leave on horse, or on their dæmon if it was a Ponyta or equally large pokémon, and go to other towns and cities where he would get news and deliver mail. Tiponi was very excited for the day when a messenger would come back from Quartz. Would she get an answer from the letter she sent a few weeks before? She couldn’t wait!

“Hey, Tiponi! I know you’re excited, but we need to finish our morning exercises before you can leave. Come on, you too Medwin.”

Neither Gym Leader nor Quester could believe how far the beginners had come since they had started off what seemed like ages ago. They was so much stronger, body and mind, since their training had began. They wouldn’t be winning any triathelons anytime soon, but at least they could jog for miles at a time without tiring out. Medwin could do a few attacks pretty well, which included Scratch and Ember. As for Tiponi, she could call attacks without being too afraid. And both of them had learned to deal with the pain that battling brought. Unlike Mr. Vared, Mafuame wasn’t afraid of playing rough. This was good because the two had some calluses, stronger bones, and to top it off, the nurses in the hospital knew Tiponi and Medwin on a first name basis.

As the pair finished their laps around a track, Mafuame called “Okay, you two, let’s go to the post office, shall we?”

The four of them walked to the badly-marked building. The Quester was happy to see a horse chewing straw in the building’s stable as they walked through the door. Inside were a crowd of people, chatting with the messenger that just came in. It was always a big deal when a messenger came in, since they carried the news from all the other towns. The days they came were always the biggest days for gossiping. Half the people who came didn’t even receive letters, they were just there to hear the latest news. And as it looked, today was a big news day.

“Oh, Mafuame. You’re the Gym Leader of this city, aren’t you? I have bad news. It’s been reported that the Dæmon League’s Champion died in battle a month ago.” Said the messenger.

Mafuame looked at Tiponi, then at the messenger. “Really, Professor Apala died in battle? This is bad news. She was an amazing Quester. I was the one she beat to get that position, you know. So, who is the new Champion?”

“I believe it is Mr. Claec.”

The ground type gym leader suddenly stood straighter, and her mood changed. “Really.” She said slowly, and much quieter then she had been a moment ago. “Isn’t that interesting.” The gossipers in the background talked among themselves much louder at this new information.

Tiponi, very much confused, was awoken from her thoughts when a man at the desk who was sorting through the just-in-mail yelled over the talking, “I have a letter for a Tiponi Vared! Is there a Tiponi Vared her?”

Tiponi hurried over to the desk and answered. “Here, I’m Tiponi Vared.”

The man smiled at her and said, “Here you go Miss.” Tiponi couldn’t wait to open the letter in her hands.

“Mafuame, can we leave? I can’t wait to see what dad wrote to me.”

She looked at the eager girl and said quickly, “I want to catch up on some of the gossip, you can hurry on to my home and give me the details later.” Tiponi didn’t have to be told twice. She ran out of the building and toward the house.

Instead of going in, she sat under her favorite reading tree in the front yard. The girl made herself comfortable, and Medwin snuggled into her lap, keeping his flame to the side so it wouldn’t burn anything. The two stared down at envelope, admiring Mr. Vared’s neat and loopy writing. They could tell it was his just by looking at it. No one had writing like that. Tiponi could just see her dad writing with his favorite quill, a feather from a rare Farfetch’d, with ink from the corner store. For the first time since she had come, she felt a pang of home sickness. She hadn’t time or the energy before that moment to think about how much she missed Quartz. Tiponi was always too busy training hard in Lichen to think about anything else.

She finally brought her fingers to the top of the envelope and was about to open it when she thought to herself how bad she was at opening these things. The top would look all ripped and messy. She couldn’t bring herself to do that to her dad’s letter. As if Medwin had been reading her mind, he offered his claw and, at her agreement, neatly slit open the top. Taking one last look at the return address;

Mr. Vared
12 Maple Lane
Quartz, Mineral Mt.

Tiponi pulled out a piece of rough paper. She then unfolded it carefully, and the two began to devour the feast of words for their eyes;

My dearest Tiponi,

It is so good to hear from you. I’ve felt so alone in our small town since you left. The neighbors don’t approve of me letting you go to be a Quester, but then again, they never did. I’ve been keeping myself busy with our farm, and have hired a few helping hands to keep it running. The animals have been acting strangely to the weather, but you knew that. At least I can still get some milk from our cows.

Enough about the farm, you said that Mafuame has been training you? That is nice of her. I battled her when she was the Champion. As you can tell, I lost and couldn’t become a Gym Leader. It’s not a surprise that she took you in. She was a close friend of your mothers.-

-At this point of the letter, a few lines had been crossed out, as if her dad had began to tell her something, and decided against it. Tiponi strained to see what he had decided against telling her, but couldn’t make anything out. She looked at the Charmander in her lap, who just shrugged, and returned to the letter.-

Well, anyway, that’s good. When you and Medwin beat her, send me a letter. I can’t wait until you try your luck at Champion. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky and beat Professor Apala.-

- Hmm, apparently her dad hadn’t heard about this Professor Apala dying, yet. She also noticed that his writing after that reference was messier...-

I hope you get stronger, I’m sorry I didn’t train you that well, but I couldn’t bare see my only baby get hurt. Well, I better get to my chores. Have a good time, and remember, you can always come home.
Much Love,
Your Proud Father

Tiponi read and reread the letter, and judging Medwin’s unusual quietness, the dæmon was rereading over and over too.

She finally slipped the letter back into the envelope, and hid it in her pocket. She then started doing her exercises. Medwin joined her. They were on 83 push-ups, when Mafuame and her dæmon came walking down the dirt road. The two Questers finished up their workout, then walked up to the worried looking two.

“Something wrong?” the girl asked when she caught up to her “personal trainer”.

“Hmm? Oh, well. It’s kind of a shock to me that the Champion died. Also... well, never mind.” She sighed. “Come on, lets fix ourselves up some dinner, shall we?” she said, forcing a smile.

The four walked into the house where after a long, uncomfortable, silence the gym leader added, “So, what did your father write about?”

“Oh, well, you know. The normal ‘I miss you’ father stuff, and news on the farm. Nothing very big. But still, it’s good to know he’s still out there.” Tiponi replied as she hacked off four slices of bread from a crusty, home made loaf. She felt a little guilty while the two prepared dinner, and the dæmon’s set the table, that she hadn’t been missing her dad. Maybe he had more time to think. After all, he wasn’t training so hard that he didn’t have time for anything else. Plus he had a few helping hands to give him some free time.

----

As they ate, Medwin couldn’t help asking a question that had been poking at his thoughts. “Hesutu, do you think my human and I are ready for a rematch yet? We’ve been training our butts off, and I feel like I could do with the battle.”

Hesutu smiled, as much as a Nincada can, and after swallowing the lump of food in his mouth, said back, “Well, I think you’re on your way. Not nearly as good as my human and me, but much better. Don’t you agree, Mafuame?”

Mafuame put down her fork and said to her dæmon, “Well, Hesutu. I think they are much better off then that. You underestimate our friends. In fact, I think they could become serious opponents any day now.”

At that high praise, Medwin stuck his tongue out at Hesutu.

[Samchu]

Well done! Another great chapter! Once again, a few spelling errors but a lot less than normally.
It was quite a funny read.
Sorry I can't write more, I'm kinda busy right now.
Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

Good job. A few sentences early on were choppy, but it wasn't too bad. Also, in the letter, I think you slightly erred in your attempt to make it italics. (Check back to see what I mean.) As Samchu said, there were also a few spelling errors and typos. For instance, unless you did it purposely, the letter should read that Tiponi's dad couldn't bear to see his baby get hurt. Not bare. That would be used is a sentence like, "The tree was bare of all its leaves." That would mean that the tree didn't have any leaves; it was bare. The overall flow ant content of the chapter was very good, however. You just need to work on that spelling. I think there were one or two punctuation errors as well, but nothing major. And that's if I'm not imagining them after all. Anyway, this was good work! Don't worry about rushing; go at a comfortable pace for quality chapters. You seem to be doing fine now. Keep it up! See ya!

[eevee-shayna]

it's good to know your all peased, well with the fic. yes, my spelling/grammer is terible. (points to last word. see?!) oh well, my editer has officially moved to collage, and i now will have to send her un edited chaps by email. oh joy.

enough about that, here's #6. enjoy.

Chapter 6

It was so late out that even the owls were calling it a night and returning to the comfort of there homes. It was this time of slumber where a lone, shady character was awake. If you knew of his secrets, of the plans turning in his head, you would pull your children behind you and nail closed the shutters on your house. It was for this reason why he kept these thought to himself until they would be unleashed. Only few knew of his dark schemes.

This character was reviewing his notes and all the ancient scrolls that were only available to him and him alone. He worked by a few melted-down candles. He scribbled down more notes, then had his dark-colored dæmon check and approve of them. The two worked through the stacks of books. He felt like he was working blind, trying every possibility, just to try and find the answers. He swore under his breath. If only he had a guide to pull him along, to be his eyes. Unfortunately, that person was not available. He slouched further over his papers, trying to concentrate. His eyes stung with sleep deprivation, but he nodded it off with the overpowering thought that had settled into his mind many years ago. ‘Someday it will be mine, it will ALL be mine...’

----

This same night, there was another human and dæmon pair who were awake long past their bedtime. Tiponi and Medwin were under the bed sheets whispering over the Charmander’s flame.

“It’s been long enough, don’t you agree? We have worked twice as hard this week.” Tiponi said in a hushed voice.

“No, three times as hard.” Added Medwin in an eager voice.

“Yeah. I think it’s time, how about you?”

“I think we should ask her tomorrow morning, right after breakfast.”

“Agreed.” And so it was. The two hadn’t been lying, either. In fact, they had become a pretty strong pair that could probably beat any shady character.

At dawn, the morning chores were completed, the last crumbs of toast were swallowed, the table cleared by the dæmons, and the dishes washed by the humans. After that, Tiponi and Medwin took a trip to the out house.

When they returned, Mafuame said in an interested tone, “Hesutu noticed you two have packed all of your belongings, may I ask why?”

Typoni answered this question with confedence, “We are ready to battle for the Cavern Stamp.” The gym leader smiled at this.

“Indeed you are, I was just waiting for your approval. Well the morning chores are done, and the dishes are in the pantry, why not do it now?” With a nod of agreement from both sides, they headed toward the gym.

----

The battling room was familiar to her, but not scary anymore, like it had been the first time. It was more like a friend, who welcomed her with it’s coziness.

“Hand me your Official Quester Parchment, which will be returned back to you when we are both ready. Thank you.”

Tiponi barely listened to the rules, just shook her head when was asked to add anything. She was ready, and not afraid to say so.

“Let the battle commence!” anounced Mafuame. The dæmons were both excited for this match.

“Medwin, Scratch!” the two had practiced commands and tactics so much that Tiponi didn’t feel it was necessary to say were, why, or how hard. The two just knew.

Hesutu did not expect the attack to be so strong, and was scarred on his soft belly. His human made an effort not to show the pain which was inflicted.

“Hesutu, Headbutt” the Nincada ran full tilt at the Charmender. Medwin merely leapfrogged over and turned around. Obviously the opponent dæmon did not expect this move, but being well trained he turned sharply at the edge of the Rec, revealing his scarred belly. Bingo.

“Medwin, Ember NOW!” The girl’s dæmon gave the flame coming from his mouth all the heat he could manage without burning a hole in his throat.

“HARDEN!” Hesutu complied very quickly and only got a minor burn, but it still gave him a limp, and Tiponi couldn’t help noticing that Mafuame had brought a hand to her stomach.

“Hesutu, Leech Life.” Seeds came flying from Hesutu, and nested themselves into any spot they could grip on Medwin.Vines from them began to sprout and twist around the Charmander. This slowed him down and wore him out bit by bit.

“Medwin, RAGE!” The pokémon that was now beginning to resemble a garden that hadn’t been weeded in a month, and was very irritated. His Rage attack caused him to flare up his tail flame to an enormous height, which burnt off half the vines, and send flames at Hesutu, who became very charred and was wearing out.

“Hesutu, Leech Life.” He again complied, but this time while the seeds were above the Nincada and being shot out, Medwin’s Rage caught them on fire and threw a firey mass of sprouting vines over Hesutu. He was completely covered in seconds.

“HARD-” But before the Gym Leader could finish her command she fainted, falling on the soft dirt, followed by her dæmon.

Medwin, wearing a triumphant grin, picked off the flaming vines and stomped them out in the dirt. He carried the burnt pokémon, while Tiponi brought the fainted human to the hospital, which was conveniently on the same block as the gym. When they entered the Quester’s wing, the nurse took one look at the whole mess of them, and casually said, “Well, congratulations.”

[mr_pikachu]

This chapter seemed very short. It might have been a good idea to add a bit more description to this one, since it seemed like a VERY quick read.

Although it was a short chapter, there were still some spelling errors. For instance, the owls should have called it a night and returned to their homes. Mothers should have nailed closed the shutters. It should have been the lone, shady, character who was awake. And this is only to name a few. It would be wise for you to read back through this yourself and try to pick out the mistakes.

One more thing. I have told countless writers this, and now I will tell you. Try not to use author's notes within the chapter. For one thing, this one was very unnecessary. And for another, if you did need an author's note, that would simply mean you hadn't made your point clear enough in your writing. Heck, it would have looked better if you'd just said the line without making an author's note at all! It seems like it would have been fine in the fic itself, though, since I am speaking strictly from memory in this paragraph, I cannot be certain. Anyway, it's fine to make personal comments before and after the chapter, but never within it. They only serve to take away from the fic's dramatic flow, whether it is a dramatic, horrific, suspensful, or even comedic fic.

Anyway, I hope you can maintain a strong fic with your editor at college! But think of it this way: It's definitely good practice! See ya!

[eevee-shayna]

usually when i add auther's note, it's to add some humer. if you put an auther's note at the end of a Chapter, then the reader would have forgoten the part you were noting. humer is all about timing. true, it is unperfessional. in the book "the tale of despereaux" the auther gets around that by always talking to the reader, but i don't do that in TDLQ. so to talk to the reader, i write 'auther's note'

the next chap is done, but i'll wait for peoples to finish this one.

[eevee-shayna]

ok, i'm proud of this chapter, so i hope you enjoy ^_^

Chapter 7

The last few hours seemed only a blurry memory. Maybe it all was... The dazed teenager continued to walk down the road, reaching into her cotten skirt’s pocket for the umpteenth time to confirm to herself that it wasn’t a dream, or her imagination. She pulled out the parchment which was so worn that you would have thought it was an ancient treasure map. But, no, it was just an over-handled Official Quester Dæmon League confirmation parchment. Well, that was its official title, anyway. When the girl looked at the parchment, her eyes did not fall onto;

“This is an official notice, approved by the Dæmon League Champion, that (name here) Tiponi Vared is, by law, a Quester...”

Instead, her eyes darted directly to the the newest, and first, Gym Leader’s wax stamp under the quilled words; “Ground-type Gym”. The stamp was a roundish, red, blob which had been hot wax, pressed with a metal stamp, which gave it a design, and then hardend, allowing the wax to hold the pressed letters and picture in a dry state. The girl was awed by the stamp, which said;

“Cavern Stamp” and on the bottom “Lichen”. Sandwiched between the two phrases was a rough picture of a cavern, complete with stalactites and stalagmites. She stroked it like a soft fur pelt, and then moved her eyes to the signature next to it; “Mafuame”. It was not loopy like her father’s, more sharp and jaged, like crisply folded origami paper.

The Quester finally returned the parchment to her welcoming pack, and when she took her hand out, an envolope had replaced it. It had two letters in it, which you couldn’t tell if you weren’t peeking inside. One letter was from her, which she knew practically every word by heart. The other, she was less familare with. But her friend told her it was for Mr. Vared’s eyes, and not hers. Curiosity tugged at her, pleading her to take just a itty-bitty peek. Maybe she could get her dæmon to read it for her...

As this thought continued to nag at her like a swarm of flies on a hot, sticky, summer day, she found herself at her destination. Sighing deeply, she stepped into the building and handed the envolope to the messanger at desk. She paid the few coins for delivery, and left.

When she arrived outside the post office door, she found herself confused. Where should she go now? In her left hand was a bag, on her back was her pack, in her pocket was her parchment, and to her right was her dæmon. Everything she owned was with her. The obvious decision was to go to the next city, which was Limestone.

But you must consider this; a new traveler, finding him or her self completely independent, stops and ponders these things. They don’t just rush into things like this, they want direction, someone to point them on their way. Before starting her journey, her dad had directed her everywhere. To her chores, to school, and then to Questing. He had pointed to Lichen, and she had followed where he indicated. Then, here in Lichen, her friend had pointed the way. To training, to take care of herself, and now onward. But what was ‘onward’? Should she go back and ask what was next, as if it was Mafuame’s job to assign the child’s chores? No, of course not. She was not a baby sitter, and this girl was not a baby.

Eventually she took a shaky step toward the next stop on the road to her dream. This was followed by another, and another, and yet another. Pretty soon, she was up to a brisk walk, her dæmon following her example. He, in fact, was nervous too. For as rude, or as bold, or as tough one might be, trying something new and not knowing what will happen next is always a scary thing.

And soon, the brisk walk turned into a jog. When that wouldn’t get rid of the uneasy butterflies that decided to camp out in their stomachs, the jog turned into a run. Maybe they could out run the fluttery feelings inside them.

The two of them ran as fast as they could, letting the blood pump through their bodies, and their heart rates quicken. After an hour or two, or maybe three--who knew how much time had passed?--they discovered that all they had out run was their breath. So they decided to turn in for the night, in the middle of some place which they knew was some where between the two cities, and to let their breaths catch up with them.

----

That night, each of them tucked away in goose-down sleeping bags, the two were speechless. What was there to say? “I’m scared, how are you?” What was the point of that, when they knew the other one was equally frightened? So, even though there were two beings in the chilly night, the darkness separated them, making each feel more alone then they had ever been in their entire lives.

In the morning, still silent, the Quester fed the two from the large portion of the dried food the ground-type Gym Leader had sent them away with. Neither was hungry, but they ate anyway because they knew the energy would be needed for the long journey to Limestone.

Limestone... it seemed like a place they had heard a story teller mention, or some distant place that was half myth that had been learned in a forgotten school lesson. Just like the word Home. Where these real places, or just pretend?

The day continued in silence. Sometimes they’d stop and train, or take a quick trip behind a bush, or stop for a bite to eat, but always in silence. It was almost like they had suddenly become mute. But, still, words were not necessary. Eye contact was all they needed.

When the sun finally fell from view, and the first owl came out for dinner, the wanderers set up camp, and went to sleep. The third day was the same. But the fourth day changed, because in the distance, they saw something much different then the other days. This was something they had never seen in their entire 14 years of existence. It was so far away that it was hard to make out, but, nevertheless, it was there. It was a long endless ribbon of blinding glitter. Was it ground? They had to find out, so they picked up the pace. They were so entranced that they completely skipped meals, forgot about using the bush, and the thought of training must have blown out of their ears because they were running so fast.

The closer they got, the stranger the glittering mass became. Now it seemed to be moving, like a colossal herd of silver- and blue-wooled sheep, and each sheep was continuously moving, trying to find the best patch of grass. If that was what the mass was, then maybe she could take a bunch home to her father. He could use their colorful wool for beautiful blankets and scarves. There were so many of them, no one would miss a handful, would they?

When they came so close that they could smell this strange mass, the girl was met with disappointment to find there were no sheep, no farm animals of any kind.

But the dæmon wasn’t disappointed, because he had not been thinking anything of the sort. So he continued to run and the girl followed him. They ran until they couldn’t be any closer unless they were on it.

For the first time in several days, the girl spoke. It was one, clear, specific word that was both a question and a statement. She simply turned to her dæmon and said, “Water.”

They were both flabbergasted, under yet another trance that rendered them unable to speak. Water! A large body as far as the eye could see of this amazing necessity that could only be gotten in Quartz by underground rivers or collected rain water. Was this the Mineral Mountain’s storage of water? Instead of keeping it in barrels or wells, they kept it in the open, in this huge hole in the ground? Back at home, they could never do that, because it would be stolen by a neighbor. Then again, there was so much here that no one, not even a city of people could steal it all for their own personal wells.

The Quester heard a sound coming from the water beside her. She turned to see her dæmon cupping his paws in the water and bringing the liquid to his mouth. Realizing for the first time that she hadn’t dank any of the water left in her canteen all day, she followed his example and began to drink up the sweet, sun warmed water, to her heart and stomachs, content.

The two sat back, so dazed by the miracle before them, they didn’t hear they sound of the water changing, or that of a wooden vessel nearing the shore. When they heard the greeting of a stranger on the strange contraption, they were so scared that if you’d of seen them, you’d have sworn they flipped completely over.



OOC; i think this is my fav chap so far. i'm not sure if you noticed, but not once in this chapter did i mention Medwin or Tiponi's name. and yet, even w/out me saying there names, i bet you could still tell who i was talking about. to me, that's pretty cool.
i also think it's cool how there was only one word spoken in the whole chapter, and yet i could write the chapter without words and still get my point across. neat, huh?

[mr_pikachu]

Nice chapter. Excellent descriptions were abound in this one, and that is how you were able to get the point across without dialogue. It's tough to do, but with enough effort, high-quality descriptions can be achieved. Excellent work.

There were, however, a few grammatical mistakes here and there. I'll point them out to you.


Well, that’s its “official title”, anyway.

Should it be "Well, that was its official title, anyway."? After all, that's is usually taken to mean "that is", rather than "that was". Since you're writing in past tense, you need to take out the conjuction in order to keep it in past tense.


Before starting her journey, her dad had directed her every where.

Only a small problem, but the words "every where" should be one word; "everywhere".


She’s not a baby sitter, and this girl was not a baby.

Again, it should be "she was", to show past tense.


And soon, the brisk walk turned into a jog. When that wouldn’t get rid of the uneasy butterflies that decided to camp out in their stomachs, the jog turned into a run. Maybe they could out run the fluttery feelings inside them.

The two of them ran as fast as they could, letting the blood pump through their bodies, and their heart rates quicken. After an hour or two, or maybe three--who knew how much time had passed?--they discovered that all they had out run was their breath. So they decided to camp out, in the middle of some place which they knew was some where between the two cities, and to let their breaths catch up with them.

Far and away the smallest problem in this chapter was that you used the phrase "camp out" twice somewhat close to each other. I told you it was small!


That night, each of them tucked away in goose-down sleeping bags, neither of them talked.

There should be a conjunction after the second comma. None is needed after the first one, because that is an introductory phrase.


‘I’m scared, how are you?’

This should be in double quotes, because it is (potentially) a spoken sentence, not thought.


Neither was hungry, but ate anyway because they knew the energy would be needed for the long journey to Limestone.

Shouldn't it be "but they ate anyway..."?


It was so far away, that it was hard to make out, but, never-the-less, it was there.

Two things: 1. The first comma is not needed, and 2. never-the-less should be nevertheless. (Yes, it is one word.)


They were so entranced that they completely skipped meals, forgot about using the bush, and the thought of training must had blown out of their ears because they were running so fast.

Shouldn't it be "...the thought of training must have blown out of their ears..."?


Realizing for the first time that she hadn’t drunken any of the water left in her canteen all day, she followed his example and began to drink up the sweet, sun warmed water, to her heart and stomaches, content.

She hadn't drank any of the water in her canteen.


When they heard the greeting of a stranger on the strange contraption, they were so scared that if you’d of seen them, you would have sworn they flipped completely over.


A common mistake, it should be "you'd have sworn they flipped completely over."


THis has got to be THE most nitpicky I've EVER gotten about a chapter, so don't feel bad. I've just had a bad day. You actually did quite well, I just figured you were ready for me to kick it up a notch. And by the way, regarding your last comment, who's OOC? Well, see ya!

P.S. Even if you need to add humor, you still shouldn't use an author's note, because it makes the writer look unskilled rather than his/her work funny. 'Nuff said.

[eevee-shayna]

LOL!!! i'm sorry, but that was funny.
either you were really bored, or are a teacher at heart. ^_^

and again, LOL;

And by the way, regarding your last comment, who's OOC?

are you serious? OOC stands for Out Of Character. it's usually used in RPGs to show that you aren't writing as your character so not to confuse anyone. i put it in my post here just to show that i wasn't writing as part of the chapter.
(also, if you ever see 'IC' that stands for In Character, so people know you are writing as your character)
i also find it funny how you respond to fics so fast. how do you do it? you must be on ALL the time! JK

[mr_pikachu]

Well, I do that a lot when I'm on Fanfic, I just don't always remember all of my advice. In this case I had some time on my hands, and I was in a bad mood. Bad day... don't ask.

And thanks, I don't play many RPGs, so I didn't quite understand the acronym. Also, I'm not on ALL the time, only when I can kick my mom off.

[eevee-shayna]

excuse the delay.

Chapter 8

“Err, sorry ‘bout tha’. Di’n mean ta scare ya,” said a strong, smooth voice. Turning around, they saw that it belonged to a short, messy-looking boy in a strange wooden contraption that moved on the water.

Tiponi and her dæmon stared dumbfounded at this oddly dressed person. The girl had never seen anyone like him. He was young, probably just a bit older then her. He didn’t wear normal trousers and a top like most males she knew. He wore some some slightly ragged, worn-out, rolled up, and baggy clothing. He had tanned skin, like he stayed out in the sun all the time. The Quester found it curious that he wore his multi colored brown and sun dyed hair tied back in a low ponytail. If any boys wore their hair that long at home, they would not be excepted in the community and their family. It just wasn’t allowed.

Coming through the water next to his vessel was a strange creature she had never seen before, which must have been his dæmon. It was mostly roundish, colored primarily light blue and tan.

“Say Miss, c’n ahI give ya a rahde? It’s a laong ways ta swim, ya know.” He smiled at his last comment.

The two, still unsure land-dwelling creatures finally stood up, and made their way to the person and his...thing. He helped them on a seat-like thing. Then he used a long stick, which sort of resembled a huge spoon, except the cup on the bottom was flat, to push off the grass. This motion sent the craft into the enormous bowl a water. Medwin and his human, who was a bit frightened and looking over at the safe grass, sat closer together. What would happen if the wood tipped over? The ground became less and less visible, until all they could see was a vast expanse of water.

If they were tipped into the water, would they float like the wood, or fall until they hit the bottom? Tiponi remembered once when she was little, she had come home from a long day of working on the farm. She was really thirsty, and drank some water too quickly, and ended up coughing for a long time. She could only imagine what would happen if she was inside the stuff. She might be coughing for eternity! And what about Medwin? He had a flame on his tail that needed to be kept dry. Once before the two had started school, someone else with a Charmander for a dæmon had gotten caught in a huge rain storm. There had been so much water that the dæmon’s flame almost went out. The two had gotten pneumonia from it and almost died! More often then not, people died of pneumonia. So if they fell off and into water, they would get pneumonia, too, and die! Tiponi was shaking with fright, as was her dæmon.

“Scuse me Miss, bu’ are ya ok?” asked the boy with the flat spoon.

“I don’t want to die!” sobbed the Quester and her dæmon in unison, holding each other titely.

The boy looked very confused and with a puzzled look on his face asked, “Now why wou’ tha’ ‘appen?”

“W-we’ll fall over, get pneumonia, and DIE!” cried out Medwin, and his human nodded to show she thought the same.. Then, at that moment when the two were consumed with terrible fear, the boy did the most unexpected thing, he laughed. Laughed, in front of his guest’s tear streaked faces. The two were suddenly overcome with another powerful feeling; anger. They were so angry, that without any words, pushed him off the vessel, and into the vast, clear water. Just like that. Then, Tiponi was stricken with a third strong emotion; regret. She moved to the side of the craft, and brought a hand to her face, which was covered with a look of pure shock. Then in the water, she saw something, an object, coming up from in the water. It was... the boy! He was floating like the wood she stood on. When he surfaced, he pushed his ponytail behind his head, and stared at the girl.

His face said, ‘Did she just push me into the water?’ Tiponi leaned over the water, and held her hand out to help him up. He took her hand and then Tiponi felt a lurch. Before she could put together what was happening, she was in the water going down wards.

Up in the big, cupped, wood object the dæmons of these two humans looked at eachother. The boy’s, which had climbed into the craft with Medwin, then said, “Bet you double or nothing she’ll sink and he’ll go after her.”

Back in the water, the floating male realized that she wasn’t coming up like he had, and quickly dove back under to save her. With a pocket of air in his mouth, he descended into the clear liquid to find her. A trail of bubbles lead to the plunging body. He raced toward her, trying to reach the girl whose hair looked like a cloud in the water. He finally reached her and, holding on to her tightly with one arm, he pulled her to the surface.

When they reached the feast of air which was above the liquid that had devoured them, he filled his lungs, but she didn’t. He looked at the girl, with her brown hair sticking to her pale face. He dragged her onto his vessel, where he held her limp body so she faced the bottom of the wooden craft. Then he shook her until she sputtered out the liquid that had filled her lungs. She soon coughed violently until she began to breathe. He sat her down and leaned her against the seat.

They drifted calmly until Tiponi could breathe regularly. Medwin held his flame in front of her, in a gesture to dry her off and warm her up. Her heavy wool skirt clung to her and made her legs itch.

“AhI‘m ter’bly sorry, Miss. Di’n know yu cou’n swim.” He said sympathetically. “Les start ova, m’ name ‘s Alex Etchemin, evr’yone calls m’ by m’ last name.”

“I’m Tiponi. Tiponi Vared from Quartz. The Charmander is my dæmon, Medwin.” She said weakly. “What’s your dæmon? I’ve never seen that type before.”

“Well, tha’ ‘splains alo’. Yu can’ swim cuz yur from Quartz. They do’n got rivers or lakes or boats or any of tha’ stuff.” Etchemin said, mostly to himself, understanding why Tiponi was so paranoid.

“Oh ya, this is m’ d’mon, Mesi. She’s a Spheal. ‘Eh, ‘ow old ar yu? AhI’m 18.”

“I’m 14. Medwin didn’t settle too long ago.”

Etchemin resumed pushing the boat through the water with his spoon-thing. The two people talked during the rest of the ride to Lichen. Tiponi told him how her father was a farmer, how she always got picked on, how she was a Quester, and about her adventure to the present point. Etchemin told her about how his family owned a ferrying business, and helped travelers cross the Lime Water Lake, the river that fed the lake, and other places that people needed to cross over. He told of how each took turns in different parts of the Mineral Mountains, but manly lived in Lichen. He also told her about lakes and rivers, boats and swimming, and other pieces of information that expanded her knowledge.

When they finally reached the shore, he offered her dinner at his family’s house. He also said she could possibly sleep over before going to the city’s gym.

“AhI do’n think mum’ll mind if ya come ova. I hope ya like fish, m’ da’s a par’ time fish-ahm’n.”

Etchemin’s house was a modest log cabin, which was kept warm and cozy by the brick fireplace, an important feature of the house. The Etchemin family was more then happy to let the still-damp Tiponi and her dæmon stay with them. They told Tiponi that she could stay in the room with the boy’s two sisters.

At dinner, they talked. Apparently, there was another family member that wasn’t at the meal, because he was in Hot Springs, trying for his third Quester stamp. They congratulated her and Medwin on their first stamp. The parents grew found of Tiponi, and told them they could stay until they went for their second gym leader triumph, then moved onto the next town. This was great, because now she had food, shelter, and the best thing yet; friends.

[eevee-shayna]

Chapter 9

“Come ‘n T’pon’, ‘elp m’ lift the rigg’ns.”

“I’m working on it, Etchemin.”

“These things are heavy. Hey, Tiponi, quit hogging the line, I don’t have anywhere to hold!”

“I’m not hogging the rope! You’re hogging the rope, Medwin!”

They were on the Etchemin family fishing boat in the early morning, with the family generously teaching Tiponi and her dæmon about the trade, like they had all week. This was a new experience for the girl, considering she had never known anything like this ever existed before her departure from Quartz. Having never before tasted fish, she had become obsessed with the swimming creature. The two travelers had decided that they could live on fish, and wanted to know everything about it. Her newest friends were more than happy to teach her, and glad that she was as into it as they were. Plus, all the work involved was great excursive and training.

The Quester had sent a letter to her father when she had first arrived in Limestone, expected a message in about a week. But the people she was staying with expected a letter from their oldest son who was in Hot Springs trying for his third stamp. A messenger was expected from the town that fine day, which was also an important day for Tiponi. This was because she and Medwin had decided it was the perfect day for a gym battle, but they hadn’t told the boy who had almost drowned her the day they had met. The girl still blushed at the thought of pushing him off his boat and into the Lime Water Lake. She was so embarrassed and shy to tell his parents about it that he had to fill them in, and they were still laughing about it. How overly humiliating.

They finally finished raising the cumbersome sails, and were finishing pulling in the net they had let dragging.

“Les’see wha’ we go’ ‘ere... ‘our-’een trouts... three karp... an’ a moon snai’. ‘Ere, come look a’ our catch T’pon’.”

Tiponi looked at the tight home-made mesh of netting sitting on the deck. Some slimy lake creatures flopped around, trying to free themselves back to the water which was their home. As she looked at them, father and son moved the fish into a water filled barrel.

Tipnoi gazed at the moon snail’s shell. It was beautiful. White with purple, red, blue, and yellow swirls. Amazing, just gorgeous.

The 18 year old looked at her staring at snail, and smiled. “Pre’ty li’tle thing it is.” The girl looked up at him and nodded.

The father put a lid on the barrel and got them heading back to shore, where they delidded the container of the morning catch, and sold almost all of them in the market.

With a good day of profit, they headed to the house for lunch.

After eating lunch, and clearing the table, Etchemin came up to Tiponi and stopped her on her way to daily training.

“AhI saw ‘ow much ya liked the moon snai’, so AhI made it into a necklace for yu.” He said, a little unsteady, and handed the surpassed girl a shell on string. She was so astonished by the gift, that she didn’t know what to say. She just looked at it with admiration. He had scooped out the creature from inside, and cleaned it so it shined in and out. He had also poked a small hole in it for a piece of string to be strung through. Still saying nothing, she put it around her neck, then looked up at the boy with thanking eyes. This was all the thanks he needed, and at this he smiled.

“You didn’t make one for me, too? That’s impolite! Maybe I liked the thing, too. Did you bother to ask? Nooooo.” Interrupted the annoying dæmon. They ignored him.

“I-I’ve got a surprise, too. I know you guys are eager for that letter to arrive, but I was wondering if you could come with me to the gym to get my...” at this point she didn’t have to go on, because he had gotten the message.

“Really, T’pon’?! Tha’s so won’er’ful! AhI’d luv ta come!” After saying this, he quickly ran to tell his parents where he would be, then the two with their pouting dæmons beside walked to the gym.

Tiponi looked at the unhappy Charmander. “Tell you what, after the match, if we win or lose, you can wear it.”

“Really?” he said, uncrossing his arms.

“Don’t see why not.”

----

Tiponi wasn’t surprised to see that there wasn’t a separate building for the battling gym, but rather found it amusing that it was a room attached to the hospital.

They walked into the building and asked the nurse at desk to direct them to the gym.

The nurse looked at them with angry eyes and spit at them, “Questers, huh? I can’t believe they keep sending you to us. If it were up to me, the sport would be BANNED! And all participants locked in jail! You come here, and faint one another. When did killing other human beings become legal!” She was steamed, and looked like she might hurt someone. Her Clefairy dæmon looked just as mad.

“Maybe we’ll find our own way.” said Etchemin, feeling the tension. The two frightened teenagers began inching away, when the nurse stood up from her desk so fast that her chair fell backwards. The angered woman leapt over to them and grabbed the backs of their shirts.

“I’m not done with you yet!” she yelled, breathing down their necks.

“YES YOU ARE, CATHLEEN. LET GO OF THE KIDS!” roared a large man, who stormed into the room from a side door. Reluctantly, the nurse, Cathleen, let them go, with a little shove. Tiponi noticed that her dæmon pushed Medwin from the back. Medwin was about to Scratch back, but his human gave him a warning glare.

Cathleen and her dæmon stomped back to the front desk, and didn’t even look their way.

“I’m sorry for the way she acted, doesn’t appreciate the sport, like most folks. You’d think if they didn’t like fighting, they’d try to stop it by not using violence themselves.” Apologized the large man. “By the way, I’m Mbizi, this is Isem. I’m the Water type Gym Leader, I expect you’re here to battle. My gym is over here.”

His Quagsire dæmon snorted at the word ‘gym’.

“Yeah, “gym”, if you can call it that.” She said. Tiponi smiled at that, it was a very Medwin-like comment.

The lot of them made there way to the door on the side. Very plain, and not even marked. Mbizi opened the door, and they entered into a small, non-windowed closet-of-a-room. There were a few torches sitting snugly in metal clasps on the walls. Besides them and the rectanglish pond in the middle, the room was completely bare, not even having boards to cover the dirt floor. Etchemin pointed out to the girl that there was a hole in one of the four walls were water was flowing in and out through. It must have been a side creek from the Lime Water River, which the room was built around. Interesting. There were two circular floating wood pieces in the pond. They seemed to have drifted from the traditional opposite sides of the Rec. One was sort of nestled in the far right corner. The second was bobbing about in somewhere close to the middle.

“The room wasn’t built big enough to have a Rim, so the rest of the room that isn’t the Rec, is where we can go. Your friend’ll have to stand in the doorway. Thank you. OK. Since your dæmon is a Charmander, he can go in the Rim a little. To tell you the truth, these wooden floats are bound to flip him off, and I don’t want that flame to get wet. They are poor quality, this gym doesn’t get any real funding you know. So just don’t touch him, stay well ‘nough away, kay? Alright.” Medwin stepped up to the edge of the pool as Mbizi spoke the last couple sentences, and Tiponi steeped around to the next side of the pool to his left.

“Hand me your Quester parch-. OK. Now the rules. I’ll give you the paper back when able, you’ll get a stamp and my signature if you win, and a good sum of coins. But if I win, you have to give me whatever coins you’ve got. Also, battle ends when one of us faints. The winner must go and get the Quester nurse, but steer clear of Cathleen, she’s a monster. Alright, that seems to cover it. Let’s go!”

Isem had already jumped into the pool, and almost immediately after her human had finished speaking, she spat a short burst of water at Medwin. He had been expecting something of the sort, and jumped to one side, easily avoiding the Water Gun. He spat his own attack back, an Ember. Isem just as easily dodged his attack by diving underwater. She stuck her head up just long enough to hear her human call for a Slam, then ducked back underwater.

She then swam toward Medwin, who could see her coming through the slightly murky liquid, and ran around the corner to the next side of the pool as Tiponi said “When she comes up, Growl, then Slash!” So when Isem, who hadn’t been watching her opponent, leaped out of the water and swung her heavy tail to use a Slam attack, the target wasn’t there. Instead, he was Growling at her from a little ways away. Before she even fell back into the pool, he jumped over the corner of the pool, and Slashed Isem just as she slipped back into he water.

Tiponi grinned proudly. Medwin had just learned the move a few days ago. They had been gutting some of the fish they caught, and Medwin had been irked, feeling that neither his claws nor a knife were doing the job fast enough. Frustrated, he picked one large fish up and tried to Scratch it as heard as he could. Instead, he ended up using a move that he could instinctively tell was more powerful; Slash. The move was a bit too powerful for the aquatic creature, and he cut it so badly that the only thing it was good for was fish stew, but everyone was proud of him for learning the move.

Tiponi pulled herself out of her reflections to bring her focus back to the match, frustrated at herself for not paying attention. Medwin was running, jumping and diving across the floor to avoid multiple Water Guns from Isem. Tiponi bit her lip in worry, knowing that Isem could probably keep that up longer than Medwin. Eventually, Isem shot several bursts of water on either side of Medwin in succession, keeping him from moving very far either way or he’d get hit. Then, she shot one large blast down the center of the water-walled area; straight at Medwin.

Tiponi gasped, even as Medwin took action. In the short ti--


TO BE CONTINUED... ULTIMATE CLIFFHANGER, HALF WAY THROUGH A WORD!!!




lol, sorry, couldn't help it. i wrote this chapter and it ended up being about 7 pages long. so i decided to cut it in half, EXACTLY in half. it just so happens that exactly in half is in the middle of a word. ^_^

[Mew Trainer Rose]

Lol, I remember when wre were sitting there, trying to figure out where the exact middle of the chapter was!

don't worry, folks, it won't happen again...we think

[mr_pikachu]

Heh, funny ending... sort of...

Anyway, this chapter was good, though I have a few editing pointers...


Her newest friends were more then happy to teach her, and glad that she was as into it as they were.

The word “then” should be “than”.


The Quester had sent a letter to her father when she had first arrived in Limestone, expected a message in a about a week.

“The Quester had sent a letter to her father when she had first arrived in Limestone, and expected a message in about a week,” is correct. You’ll note that I also took out the “a” before the word “about”, since the sentence didn’t make sense with it in there.


But the people she was staying with expected a letter from the oldest son who was in Hot Springs trying for his third stamp.

Should be “their oldest son”.


She was so embarrassed and a bit shy to tell his parents about it, that he had to fill them in, and they were still laughing about it.

You don’t need “a bit” before “shy”. Also, the first comma is unnecessary.


[I] The nurse lookeed at them with angry eyes and spit at them, “Questers, huh?”

Uh… “lookeed”? I think you know what’s wrong there.


She then swam toward Mediwn, who could see her coming through the slightly murky liquid, and ran around the corner to the next side of the pool as Tiponi said “When she comes up, Growl, then Slash!”

The name’s “Medwin”, not “Mediwn”.


Mediwn had just learned the move a few days ago.

Same problem as before.


The move as a bit too powerful for he aquatic creature, and he cut it so badly that the only thing it was good for was fish stew, but everyone was proud of him for learning the move.

“The move was a bit to powerful…” is correct.


TO BE CONTINUED... ULTIMATE CLIFFHANGER, HALF/WAY THROUGH A WORD!!!

“HALF/WAY” doesn’t need a slash. ^^;


And, please, enlighten me... WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING CUTTING IT OFF THERE?! Seriously, it makes you look more comedic than a powerful writer. In the future, try not to do that, k? (Of course, I should talk; my first fic was a joke, but hey. I'm on my second fic now. So there!) Anyway, I await... part two... of the chapter...

btw, don't you think it will be problematic CONTINUING in the middle of a word? ^^;;

[eevee-shayna]

LOL!!!
it's official, your a teacher ^_^JK

no coments on the plot? just my terible grammer and cut off point? oh well. i have a question, what is the difference between "then" and "than". i never figured that out.

it's cut off in the EXACT(sp..) middle of the chapter, which happens to be in the middle of a word. i'm sorry, but i couldnt help it.^^

[mr_pikachu]

What, I'm supposed to comment on the plot when you chopped off the action IN THE MIDDLE OF A STINKIN' WORD?? Anyway, the plot was good. I didn't see any problem with it. Though my opinion is different regarding your common sense.


And now, once and for all, the difference between "then" and "than".


"Then" is used for chronogical events. For instance, "We went to the park, then watched a movie." In this case, "then" means that the second event follows the first.

"Than" is used for comparisons. For instance, "I like cake better than ice cream." In this case, "than" means that the first choice is preferred over the second.

Also note an exception. Let's say you're making a comparison about chronological events. For instance, "The baseball game is earlier than the movie." The word "than" is still used because it is a comparison, rather than a listing of events. Do you see the difference? If not, I'll explain it more in-depth later.


And please, just get the second half of the chapter up A.S.A.P.! I tell you, that thing looks like **** with the cutoff point. Heed my advice, and don't **** off readers. k?

Wow, two curse words in consecutive sentences! Must be a record.

[eevee-shayna]

here y'all. the continued;


Chapter 9 1/2

--me he had, he stood facing Isem so his body was between her and his tail, then pressed the flame tight against his back. At the same time, he crossed his arms in front of him and ducked his head behind the shelter of his arms. In this way, when the Water Gun hit him seconds later, his own body kept his flame from most of the attack, and his face was protected so he could recover from it as quick as possible.

Tiponi sighed in relief as Medwin uncrossed his arms and lifted his head. Then, almost in unison, the two of them shivered, since Tiponi had shared the feeling of being engulfed in chilled water. She also shared his feeling of anger that Isem had used an attack that could have snuffed out his tail flame, and had made it so powerful. Both glared at Isem, who had dove under water as soon as she saw that her opponent was still capable of battling. It was only natural what Tiponi chose for the next attack.

“RAGE!” she shouted, and Medwin was more than eager to comply. Isem was swimming over to the other side of the pool, and both assumed she’d soon pop up again to hear what move her human ordered next. Seeing that it would take too long to run around, Tiponi called, “Jump over the pool, use the float to jump off of.”

“NO, wait---!” Mbizi started to yell, but Medwin was already on his way. He had taken a step or two back, then taken a running leap out over the water. Both humans held their breath.

Medwin soared through the air, his tail streaming out behind him like a banner. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as he approached the float. Would it hold or would it tip? Medwin seemed not to care, he just wanted to get back at Isem. His clawed foot came down on the plank...

Then time turned back to normal speed as he safely landed in the center of the platform, then immediately jumped to the other side. The float rocked crazily about, almost tipping over, but no one seemed to notice, or at least care. Medwin least of all; he was funneling every bit of anger he had into powering the Rage attack. By the time Isem had begun to stick her head up, his tail flame had flared up almost as high as him. The second her head was out of the water, Medwin quickly slashed at it with both hands. Naturally, she ducked back underwater in a flash, and started to swim away again. Medwin attempted to shoot a gigantic fireball at her, but she swam far enough under the water that she was untouched.

Medwin, now so furious that he was beginning to lose good judgment, again took a running leap onto the float in the middle. But this time, his foot landed closer to the edge, and the whole thing started to tip over immediately. Medwin frantically tried to move over to the other side to restore the platform’s balance, but he only made it tip over in the other direction. Tiponi was about to dive into the water and catch him herself, just to keep him out of the water. It was worth forfeiting the match as long as they didn’t die!

Thankfully, she didn’t need to. As Medwin began falling, a blue shape came up from the water underneath him. Isem, as the figure turned out to be, prevented Medwin from falling into the water, which everyone knew would have dire consequences. But, since this was still a battle, she didn’t just catch him. Instead, she forcefully shot up out of the water and Headbutted him so hard that he was sent flying.

For a second it looked like he’d land right back in the water, but he ended up doing a belly flop on the second float instead. Tiponi gasped for air, since she had also had had the wind knocked out of her. The float Medwin landed on was wedged in the corner firmly enough that it didn’t tip, although one corner sunk into the water, allowing a little of the liquid to splash against him. He lay there getting his breath back, while Isem swam over to make sure he was OK.

As soon as she was within arm’s reach of Medwin, he opened his mouth wide and shot a huge Ember at her. Then he crawled forward a bit, quickly but as carefully as possible so the float wouldn’t tip, and Slashed her as many times as he could. Which turned out to be only a few, but it was just enough. She started to swim away from him, but just a couple fin-strokes away her strength failed her and she fainted. As did her human, who toppled over and landed with a sound like a tree falling and crashing on the forest floor.

Tiponi gaped a moment, then ran over to Medwin and picked him up off the float.

“We did it! And on the first try, too!” she shouted joyfully.

“Yay!” Medwin cried. “Now give me the moon snail shell. Come on, you promised!”

----

The four of them were walking to the post office, and still talking about the match, with the Charmander proudly wearing the necklace.

“-And did you see the way the nurse looked at the lot of us?” said Medwin.

“Yeah, she soooo was st’fflin’ a’ laugh.” Chuckled Mesi.

“Well, I’m just happy I have another stamp, the parchment looked very bare with only one.” beamed Tiponi.

“Come’ on, le’s see wha’ me’ brotha wrote.” said Etchemin, eagerly leading them to the Post Office.

When they got there, they saw the usual gossip and news-receiving crowd. Etchemin’s family were already there, but didn’t look so happy. Puzzled, the group ran to them to see what was wrong.

“Did we ge’ a’ le’er?”

The father nodded, and handed his son the letter they had received. The boy said something about it not being in his brother’s hand writing, before reading it. When he finished, all the happiness from the battle had drained from his face.

He merely handed the letter back to his father, and said quietly, but firmly, “AhI’ll go. Ya have ta ‘ake care of the boa’ bui’ness.” His father began to protest, but Etchemin shook his head and said, “AhI c’n ge’ there fas’er, me’ legs are younger.”

Medwin and Tiponi looked at each other, both sharing a puzzled expression. Etchemin’s two sisters were holding their mother and crying. What was going on? What was in that letter?

The family made their way back to the house, in silence. The boy packed some supplies; clothes, food and the like. The Quester, not wanting to get in the way, stood near the fireplace, with her dæmon beside. She looked at a map nailed to the wall. It was water stained and was charred around the edges, like it had been burnt. It was made of ink, hand quilled, on a large piece of animal hide. The animal hide had been poorly cleaned, so tufts of fur were scattered throughout it. It was all in black ink.

The two heard footsteps, and looked behind them. Etchemin’s sister, Areana, was there. Her dæmon, still a Ditto, close behind.

“AhI saw ya look’n a’ the map. I’s the Min’ral Moun’ens map. New i’ is.” she said politely. She then walked up to the map. Tiponi noticed that her eyes were wet and her face was blotchy from crying. The little girl pointed at a long strip of black a little to the right of the middle.

“This is the Lime wa’er Riva.” She then pointed to a large, black, roughly circular shape at the bottom of the hide. “And this is the Lime wa’er Lake.” Sniffling, she pulled her little finger to the upper left part of the map then said, “And this is aur ‘ome, Lime S’one.” She stared at the little dot she pointed to, then pulled her finger all the way across the map, over fur tufts, burnt marks, and ink dots that resembled trees. All the way to the left, where there was another little dot. The dot was close to the edge of the parchment, where there was a large burnt spot. The little girl looked at the Lime Stone spot, and then to the spot she had her finger on.

“This here is Ho’ Springs. This is where me’ brotha is dyin’.” she looked at that spot, like she was trying to see her sibling. Tears streaking down her cheeks, she looked closer, then backed up. Not seeing what she was looking for, she jerked her finger off, like that spot was a hot coal, and ran out of the room, her Ditto close behind.

Medwin and Tiponi didn’t say a thing to each other, just took one look at the other one’s face, then walked to Etchemin’s room. He and his dæmon were packing.

“I’m going with you.” Tiponi told him. “I’m going with you to Hot Springs.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. He didn’t look at her. He continued packing.

Then he sighed and said, “AhI’ve only go’ five days before they kic’ ‘em out of the hospi’al. They say they won’ le’ a’ Ques’er ‘ake all ‘eir money from the hospi’al. It’s an eigh’ day walk, and AhI’ve go’ five days to ge’ there. T’pon’, ya can’ come. Me’ folks’ll wauch ya, bu’ AhI got’a go alone, make be’er tim’n. Ya can’ go.”

Medwin stood as tall as he could, and said firmly to the boy, “I know how we can make it a five day walk, without having to run the whole way. But I’ll only tell you if you take us with you.”

Etchemin turned around to face them. His face was all wet and the skin was blotchy from crying, just like his sisters’. “This isn’ no game. AhI have ta ge’ ta me’ brotha.” He turned to close his bag, then took it and left, his dæmon following.

Medwin was very determined all of the sudden, and walked right after the boy. Tiponi followed, curious of what the Charmander’s plan might be. The boy turned around, too sad to care, and looked at the orange creature following him. Then he said, “All’righ’, AhI agree.” Medwin was clearly pleased, and told his plan.

“On the map, it shows that there is a point in the Lime Water Lake that is closer to Hot Springs then here. So all we have to do is have your father bring us on the boat to that point. It should cut off at least two days walking time, although then we’ll still have to walk fast-”

At this point, all of them ran to the room where the map was nailed to the wall. The little bugger had been right, there was a point of the lake that was closer to the town they were headed to. Etchemin’s face suddenly didn’t look so bleak. They all ran to where his father was, they needed that boat now!

[mr_pikachu]

This was a nice chapter. Medwin blackmailing Etchemin, huh? Didn't expect that! And the risks Tiponi and Medwin were willing to take to win sure startled me!

But I have to wonder about something...

Gym Leader's dæmon: Isem
Etchemin's dæmon: Mesi

Reverse the letters in each dæmon, and you have the other one! Is there some relationship between the two, or is that pure coincedence? Either way, I can't wait for the next chapter!

[Mew Trainer Rose]

You caught it. :p She told me at some point that that was exactly what she did. ^_^ There's a reason, though. Almost all the names in this fic come from a book called "The Character Naming Sourcebook." Each are chosen for their meaning. For example, Etchemin means somethign along the lines of "canoe man". I can't tell you the exact translation, because the book's at my house and I'm at college, so I can't get to it to check. But you get the idea. She was running out of names for water-type daemons, so she just reused one by reversing the letters. ^_^

...And this concludes this sneak peek into the making of this fanfic. XD