Minty Thrill (if it bleeds, we can kill it)

[Drago]

Crystalmaster Mike: Hmm, well Tony has gotten powers of sorts from his new appendage... completely useless powers, but fun ones all the same! Also, I'm glad you decided to take in Tony's Times. The quality of Minty Thrill is very up and down as time goes by, trying to come up with so many scenarios and being written over such a long timeframe, but TT was when I was at my best, and I like to think a quality little piece in itself.
Hopefully some of the things you know now won't throw you off while reading MT. ...Or perhaps they'll hype you up for the rather distant future sequel...? OMG sequel
Sike Saner: lol is it just me or am I progressively making Tony into more of a jerk as the fic goes on? Just peering through the highlights; clobbering Klepto, throwing Smeargle and Punchinello to the zombies, claiming to be God... lol oh Tony you sleaze.

Yeah, it's late. But we've been busy, you know. Today's chapter isn't that much different from its original state, and it's rather short, to boot. But I love some of the jokes in it so I kept it pretty much the same, and I was distracted by Freezepop's Less Talk, More Rokk, too. Blame Fai for that last one. Incidentally, this chapter was originally written on February 18th.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Seventeenth but prone to masquerading as Chapter the Fifteenth if so provoked
The ‘Nome Dome

“Leaves… what… what’s going on?” I gasped loudly, throwing my arms to my face dramatically as a look of pure horror crossed my face, “It’s impossible… it… just can’t be!! …Look! Look!” I stumbled backwards, pointing straight into the sky. “The sun, Leaves, the sun!! It’s… it’s disappeared!! O sweet gods up above, are we now accursed with eternal darkness? Will we ever again see the sweet, glistening glow of the life-bringing star? Has it all ended?” I took a deep, heavy breath, trying to take in the possibilities of the situation. “Or is this a new path you have chosen for us? A wild future with a populace consisting solely of mole men and spunky mulch shippers from Illinois?” I slammed a fist down to the ground in rage, “Why have you taken our sun? You fiends! You cruel fiends! You will forever regret this day… this day… this day…” I gazed at my watch, which I had only recently glued back together and noted the late hour, “Hang on, night. All right, you will forever regret this night! This night on which you have taken away the sun! A night with no sun? I stand aghast at such a thing! I… I…” I lowered my previously pointed finger, and blinked. “Uhh… I suppose the sun doesn’t usually come out at night, does it…”
I folded my arms across the back of my head, and put a decisively pensive look on my face, “You know…it wasn’t very polite of Punchinello to send us off in the middle of the night…” I gazed over my shoulder, “And with a tail, no less.”

I reached over and grabbed the newly acquired appendage, paying full attention to it for the first time. It was a tan colour, and looked like a paintbrush, dipped in a dark brown. Something about it seemed oddly familiar.
“Hang on…” I muttered, and grabbed the Pokédex. I pointed it at my tail.

Smeargle… a Normal-Type… Pokémon with… abnormal battling capabilities…

“Oh brilliant…” I groaned, and slipped the ‘dex into my pocket. For all intents and purposes, I was now roughly 8% Smeargle. I sighed and let my tail drop, coiling it along the way. I noted this with interest.
“Hey, wow.” I muttered and flicked the tail around, “I can control this wacky thing!” I twisted it about and then slapped it against the ground.
“Hey Leaves, look at this!!” I swung the tail in his direction.
“Saaaaaur!” he wailed, before I inadvertently slapped him across the face. “Saaur…” he whimpered, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Uh, maybe you shouldn’t have looked so closely…” I gulped. I painfully crammed the tail into my pocket, and continued towards the gym. “Well at least we know it’s open,” I said with a grin, “I mean, all the lights are on. …Of course, maybe that just means that the janitor doesn’t like the dark. Or the dark doesn’t like the janitor.”

By this time, we had finally arrived at the door.
“Hey, I want to make a big entrance…” I said with a grin, and opened the door ajar. I took a deep breath, lifted my foot, and gave it a mighty kick. It flung partly open before stopping with a crash and bouncing back. A loud ‘OW!’ emanated from within it.
“Oh god!” I cried, “I hurt the door!” I threw my arms against it, hugging it tightly like someone would in those romance movies, assuming one of the characters was seven feet tall, rectangular and wooden. “How could I do that to something that has done so much for me over time? How could I have hurt the door! I hurt the door, forgive me Jesus!!”
It opened, slightly, to a portly man rubbing his nose. “Quite alright,” he muttered, “Although it’s pronounced Theodore.”
“Not now!” I hissed, “The door needs me!!”

Theodore shrugged, and picked up a pen and paper, “So welcome.” he said with a warm smile, “Are you visiting us tonight as a competitor or spectator?”
“Well…” I muttered, “I’ve often been referred to as quite a spectacle, but competitor… I guess.”
“Excellent!” he chortled, and from behind him popped up a tall, long-nosed woman who reminded me of something quite ugly.
“And what, pray tell, would your Pokémon be?” she said, frowning. Her nostrils flared so widely I thought she was going to suck me up.
“A cheating Bulb-is-sore, a dancing Cubone, a thumb-sucking Nidorina and a rather cheeky thieving Natu!” I replied, “But alas, in saying this I’ve given away my battling methods… Perhaps you’d like to give me some new Pokémon?”
“I should say!” she scoffed, and I gasped hopefully, “None of your Pokémon qualify!”
“Whaa?” I snapped, “Qualify for what? The Olympics?”
“I’m afraid, lad, that the ‘Nome Dome is quite the serious event,” Theodore said sternly, “And we can’t make any exceptions.”
“The Gnome Dome?” I repeated, “You mean midget fights? Isn’t that illegal?”
“No, no, no…” said Theodore, “The ‘Nome Dome! Quite the spectacular event! Here.” he handed me a pamphlet, “Here’s the basics.”

I glanced at it, curiously. The cover read, 101 Splendid Ways to Remove Warts.
“Wow!” I gasped, “This IS spectacular!”
The woman snatched the pamphlet away from me, and stuck another one in my hands.
“Hey…” I whimpered, “I was reading that!!”

The ‘Nome Dome
Where cute Clefairys, gruesome Gravellers, and dreaded Drowzees finger their way to the finals!! Despite myself, I giggled. The ‘Nome Dome was an idea originally conceived by the residents in the back streets of Moralliny City. They delicately integrated the fine art of mastering the Metronome technique with…

“Wow!” I gasped suddenly, and Theodore and the woman beamed proudly, “This is sooooo boring!!”
“Wha-whaaaaaat?” Theodore rambled, stepping backwards, “You must be kidding!! You’re just a disrespectful little punk, aren’t you?!”
“Maybe so…” I muttered, “But who really cares about Moronilly City and their Meterfoam?”
Theodore turned an entertaining shade of white, as the woman screeched as though she had just won the lottery. Or she was getting rhinoplasty.
“Alright alright!” I shouted, covering my ears, “I love your tournament! It’s as enjoyable as a fresh-baked pickle from the oven!!”
All of a sudden a young, attractive girl stepped in to save my bacon.
“Mom! Dad!” she snapped, “Please! Stop harassing the entrants!!” They backed away obediently, and my saviour looked at me, embarrassed. Instinctively, I got a mental analysis. She was a little short, but very attractive. She looked perhaps a year or two older than me, but still had very cute pigtails. She wore a black shirt with sparkly red handprints across the front of it, which seemed quite inviting indeed. She had jean shorts on, which showed off quite a bit of thigh… down to…
“WHOA!” I gasped, and dropped to her feet, “Look at those shoes!! I mean, wow! Just look at ‘em!!” Leaves shook his head. The movement reminded me he was there, rather than somewhere very far away, as I would’ve preferred.
“Come on, admit it!” I gushed, “If God were a shoe, he’d look just like this!!”
“Excuse me?” the girl snapped, backing away.
“Pardon…” I muttered, standing up and brushing myself off, “I was just admiring your God shoes.”
“Uhh… neat.” She said quietly, before putting the smile back on her face, “Anyway, I’m Chase Ginnit! I’m the head organiser of the ‘Nome Dome! Of course, I’ll be entering it myself, too, as tradition. These are my parents, Theodore and Daisy Ginnit.” Theodore? Like that Bunkit kid? …Sure hope he didn’t grow up fast and fat. I’d hate to think the Bunkits were stalking me…

“These are your parents?” I said in my most suave voice, “I couldn’t tell. I mean, you’re nothing like them.”
“Really?” Chase said interestedly.
“Oh yes, they’re quite hideous.”
“WHAT?” Chase gasped, looking angry, as though I had insulted her or something.
“Uhh, uhh…” I gulped, “I meant, they’re charming! They’re brilliantly smart! I love them!”
“So I’m nothing like them?” she snarled, “I must be incredibly dumb then!”
“No, no, no!” I whimpered desperately, “Just a little dumb?”
What followed was a slap so forceful I lost vast quantities of saliva, curiously ending up on a family portrait. Theodore and Daisy stormed away, either hurt, or looking for a rifle.
“Bye mom! Bye dad!” I squeaked, before looking back at Chase. She was glaring angrily at me.
“Chase…” I babbled, “That’s an interesting name, does it have something to do with… chasing?”
“Now look…” she hissed, pure hatred in her voice, “Before I rip your jaw off with my thumb, and beat you to death with it, is there anything else you’d like to say?”
“Uhh…” I gulped, looking around nervously.
“I’m carrying your child!” I shouted suddenly. There was a stunned silence.
“Saaaur…” Leaves moaned, and covered his eyes.
“Think she bought it?” I whispered, as she raised her fist. It was too late to assume she was just pleased with her hand and showing it proudly to me.
“I’ll be your servant!!” I choked, and she stopped mid-swing.
“What?” she muttered, and lowered her fist.
“Well…” I said, catching my breath, “You said you were participating in the ‘Nome Dome? I’ll enter it, and, if I lose, I’ll be your personal servant!”
“…But what if I lose?” she asked, leaning against the door.
“Uh, hadn’t thought of that…” I muttered, “But if you lose… you have to… marry me?”

“What?” she gasped, with a shocked look on her face. However, it soon turned to a grin, “Sure thing. There’s no way you can win, so whatever you want to believe, kid.”
“Oh grand!” I grinned, “So, uh… what am I supposed to do?”
Chase rolled her eyes. “Alright, you enter any type of Pokémon, up to a maximum of three. These three Pokémon have to know Metronome to qualify, which is obvious enough. The catch, though, is that you can’t command them to use any other attack. You can tell them basic things, run, jump, duck, whatever, but the only proper attack they can use is Metronome. That’s where the fun begins… So who’s your Pokémon?”
“Cubone!” I said with a grin.
“They have to have Metronome, bonehead.” She snapped.
“But he does know Metronome! He does, he does, he doooooooeeeeeees!” I whined, stamping my foot.
“Fine I’ll enter your stupid clod of dirt.” She snorted, writing it down, “Makes it easier for me to win. Name?”
“Yergago!” I grinned, brandishing a thick moustache and even thicker Italian accent, “Yergago Meniterelli!” She didn’t look impressed.

“…Oh, you meant my name.” I said with a chuckle, “Right. Well, I’m Anthony Jamieson Franklin Morgan Tyler Jones Roger Harry Edward Chambers.” I paused for a moment, “The first.”
“And hopefully the last…” she muttered, “And how many battles have you been in before this?”
“Real battles?” I grunted, “Uhh… Four.”
“Just four?” she said in a tone of disbelief, then noticed the belt buckle, “You must’ve been pretty lucky to have beaten Gordon then… so how many of those did you win?”
“Absolutely none of them!” I said proudly.
Chase peered at me for a moment, before getting back to writing. She muttered something, but all I caught was ‘weird’ and ‘freak’. I guessed it was something like ‘it’s weird how freaking good he is.’
“And that’s it.” She grinned, setting the form on a nearby table.
“Great!” I exclaimed, “So when’s my first match?”
She looked at her watch lazily, “In a minute or two. Guess you’d better hurry…”
“Egad!!” I gasped, and tore past her, Leaves close behind. I ran randomly about the building until I spotted a door labelled ‘This way to arena’.
“Nah…” I said with a frown, “Too obvious.” I continued down the hall, until I came upon a dead end. “Hm.” I muttered, “This tournament’s a tad duller than I had imagined…”
I backtracked for a while, until I reached another door.
“This would be it!” I said anxiously, and let Cubone out from his ball, “Get ready to fight, Cueball!” I roared, and threw the door open. Inside was a mop, a pail and a pair of suspenders. They looked like a pretty villainous bunch.
“I guess this is some sort of test… Cubone!” I commanded, “Use Metronome!”
He lifted his fingers, and wiggled them about. After a moment, they glowed an eerie glow. Something quite E.T. inspired. Hey, that’d be handy when my night-light isn’t working…
The objects started to vibrate; it looked like he was going to make them float.
They rose from the floor before falling back down unceremoniously.
“Hey!” I snapped, kicking the mop spitefully, “What happened?” I reached into my pocket, and grabbed the Pokédex. I pointed it at Cubone. Dream Eater.

“Cubone!” I groaned, slapping my forehead “You can’t eat dreams from a utility closet!!” He stumbled around, before his eyes widened and he coughed out a circular piece of paper with an image on it. The Pokédex seemed to be rather talkative, and continued.

When the user’s HP… is full, the targets dream is… rejected and displayed.

“Hm!” I muttered, “Suspender dreams…” I picked up the paper and inspected it. “Hey look! The mop is in Vegas…”
Suddenly, a strange yellow thing appeared in front of us. It looked like a combination of a cat, a goat, and an emoticon of some disturbing description.
“Wh-what is it?” I gasped.
“Abraaaaa…” it droned.
“A bra?” I grunted, “Must be tricky to put you on…”
It opened its eyes, and Leaves, Cubone and I were instantly enveloped in a bright white beam.
“Yaag!” I moaned, “I’ll have spasms in the morning!”
The light then subsided, and we were now in a small room with an irritated-looking boy tapping his foot.

“It’s about time you showed up!” he whined in a very annoying voice, “I’m ready to fight you and win!”
“Ack, you win already!” I hacked, “I succumb to your horrible voice!!”
“That’s not funny!” he snapped, “Let’s show him, Abra!”
“Let’s not, Abra!” I cried, but it seemed inclined to not listen. It growled in a low tone, and at this moment Cubone chose to fly towards the ceiling.
“Bulba?” Leaves gasped and we watched him float high above our heads.
“Yes!!” I cheered, “Cubone FLIES!!”
Cubone hovered in the air for a moment, before rocketing towards us. “Cubone DIVES!!” I roared enthusiastically.
He picked up speed, before crashing to the floor with a sickening thud. “Cubone… crashes.” I gulped, and looked over at the opponent. He had his eyes closed, and was concentrating much in the same way Abra was.
“Hey, what’s he doing?” I asked Leaves, who closed his eyes, and lifted his claws. He then dashed to another spot, and slammed into the ground.
“So you’re saying that they’re communicating psychically to send and receive commands, namely lifting Cubone up and slamming him back down with an obvious disregard for the condition the floor will be in afterwards?” Leaves nodded slowly.
“So they’re not composing un-hearable music to an audience of pancakes, then?” I explored the other option of Leaves’ charades, and was given an answer in the negative.

Abra continued to fling Cubone about, sending him into walls and skidding across the floor.
“This isn’t fair!” I wailed, “Chase said he couldn’t use attacks!” Leaves nudged against me, and pawed at a piece of paper with a scribbled message on it. She said you could give basic commands, which obviously includes telekinesis.
“Anything else?” I asked, and Leaves turned the page over.
Moron.
“This isn’t good!” I whimpered, “Cubone’s going to get slaughtered, and apparently I’m a moron! Pokédex, what do I do?” I looked down at the device, which had a flashing message on its screen.

Battery Low.

“Brilliant…” I spat, and crammed it in my pocket, “Well… I may as well accept it… I lost. How much longer is this going to take? I mean it’s already…” I peered down at my watch. “11:59!” I sighed, and then noted the date displayed upon the watch. 18th of February? That meant…

The seconds ticked down, as Abra forced Cubone high above his head.

“Three…
…Two…
…One…”
The clock struck midnight.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs, and Abra and his trainer’s eyes opened suddenly, shocked. Free of the psychic grasp, Cubone began falling back towards Abra. He waved his fingers, and began Metronoming. At this, he took the form of a giant, flaming bird.
“Sky Attack!” the opponent gasped, as Abra looked up, terrified. Before they could react, Cubone crashed down onto Abra, engulfing it in flames. There was a bright glow of light and fire, as well as a mighty rumbling.
When it was over, Cubone stood, panting, beside a deep crater. At the bottom of this crater, Abra was lying in a pool of its own blood, stuttering, twitching, and looking as though it may never battle again.
“Woo-hoo!” I cheered, “I go to the next round!” Leaves, Cubone and my opponent looked at me as though I were a cruel, heartless beast.
“Umm…” I squeaked, “Anyone up for party games?” I pointed towards the dying Abra, “I bet this guy’s a GUN at musical chairs!”

[Crystalmaster Mike]

OMG Sequel indeed.

Well, if I didn't know better, I would have thought Tony had gotten dumberer (yes, I know... that's not a word), as well as more of a nitwit (common, the Abra's dying for Pete's sake! ).
Chase is a creep, the mop's dream was funny, and I wonder if Tony's birthday's supposed to be on the 18th or the 19th?

Plus, I would have liked to see Tony trying to react to the PokéDex' "suggestion" of "Battery Low", heh.

K.I.U.!! (Or in other words, Keep It Up!)

[Powarun]

Well now I don't have to worrying about spoiling Tony's newest and well oddest new addition. Yeah a metronoming contest, you see an expert would have their pokemon use mind reader then metronome and pray and hope for a horn drill, but no Abra just had to teleport like a coward he is. Well at least Abra doesn't have a cool tail like tony.

[Sike Saner]

First of all...

Chapter the Seventeenth but prone to masquerading as Chapter the Fifteenth if so provoked

Funny stuff right off the bat. Awesome.

Second...

ABRA IS A BRA! XD I had hoped to one day see someone make good use of that conveniently hilarious aspect of the spelling of that species's name.

And third...

Tony's part Smeargle now. Effing awesome. XD

Oh, and it's neat to see Metronome battles incoporated here. Those are fun to actually do in the games; some awesomely weird stuff can happen. XD

Highlights

“Leaves… what… what’s going on?” I gasped loudly, throwing my arms to my face dramatically as a look of pure horror crossed my face, “It’s impossible… it… just can’t be!! …Look! Look!” I stumbled backwards, pointing straight into the sky. “The sun, Leaves, the sun!! It’s… it’s disappeared!! O sweet gods up above, are we now accursed with eternal darkness? Will we ever again see the sweet, glistening glow of the life-bringing star? Has it all ended?” I took a deep, heavy breath, trying to take in the possibilities of the situation. “Or is this a new path you have chosen for us? A wild future with a populace consisting solely of mole men and spunky mulch shippers from Illinois?” I slammed a fist down to the ground in rage, “Why have you taken our sun? You fiends! You cruel fiends! You will forever regret this day… this day… this day…” I gazed at my watch, which I had only recently glued back together and noted the late hour, “Hang on, night. All right, you will forever regret this night! This night on which you have taken away the sun! A night with no sun? I stand aghast at such a thing! I… I…” I lowered my previously pointed finger, and blinked. “Uhh… I suppose the sun doesn’t usually come out at night, does it…”

I sighed and let my tail drop, coiling it along the way. I noted this with interest.
“Hey, wow.” I muttered and flicked the tail around, “I can control this wacky thing!” I twisted it about and then slapped it against the ground.
“Hey Leaves, look at this!!” I swung the tail in his direction.
“Saaaaaur!” he wailed, before I inadvertently slapped him across the face. “Saaur…” he whimpered, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Uh, maybe you shouldn’t have looked so closely…” I gulped.

“I mean, all the lights are on. …Of course, maybe that just means that the janitor doesn’t like the dark. Or the dark doesn’t like the janitor.”

By this time, we had finally arrived at the door.
“Hey, I want to make a big entrance…” I said with a grin, and opened the door ajar. I took a deep breath, lifted my foot, and gave it a mighty kick. It flung partly open before stopping with a crash and bouncing back. A loud ‘OW!’ emanated from within it.
“Oh god!” I cried, “I hurt the door!” I threw my arms against it, hugging it tightly like someone would in those romance movies, assuming one of the characters was seven feet tall, rectangular and wooden. “How could I do that to something that has done so much for me over time? How could I have hurt the door! I hurt the door, forgive me Jesus!!”
It opened, slightly, to a portly man rubbing his nose. “Quite alright,” he muttered, “Although it’s pronounced Theodore.”
“Not now!” I hissed, “The door needs me!!”

“No, no, no…” said Theodore, “The ‘Nome Dome! Quite the spectacular event! Here.” he handed me a pamphlet, “Here’s the basics.”

I glanced at it, curiously. The cover read, 101 Splendid Ways to Remove Warts.
“Wow!” I gasped, “This IS spectacular!”
The woman snatched the pamphlet away from me, and stuck another one in my hands.
“Hey…” I whimpered, “I was reading that!!”

The ‘Nome Dome
Where cute Clefairys, gruesome Gravellers, and dreaded Drowzees finger their way to the finals!! Despite myself, I giggled.

“Wow!” I gasped suddenly, and Theodore and the woman beamed proudly, “This is sooooo boring!!”

“Alright alright!” I shouted, covering my ears, “I love your tournament! It’s as enjoyable as a fresh-baked pickle from the oven!!”

Leaves shook his head. The movement reminded me he was there, rather than somewhere very far away, as I would’ve preferred.

“These are your parents?” I said in my most suave voice, “I couldn’t tell. I mean, you’re nothing like them.”
“Really?” Chase said interestedly.
“Oh yes, they’re quite hideous.”
“WHAT?” Chase gasped, looking angry, as though I had insulted her or something.
“Uhh, uhh…” I gulped, “I meant, they’re charming! They’re brilliantly smart! I love them!”
“So I’m nothing like them?” she snarled, “I must be incredibly dumb then!”
“No, no, no!” I whimpered desperately, “Just a little dumb?”
What followed was a slap so forceful I lost vast quantities of saliva, curiously ending up on a family portrait. Theodore and Daisy stormed away, either hurt, or looking for a rifle.
“Bye mom! Bye dad!” I squeaked, before looking back at Chase. She was glaring angrily at me.
“Chase…” I babbled, “That’s an interesting name, does it have something to do with… chasing?”
“Now look…” she hissed, pure hatred in her voice, “Before I rip your jaw off with my thumb, and beat you to death with it, is there anything else you’d like to say?”
“Uhh…” I gulped, looking around nervously.
“I’m carrying your child!” I shouted suddenly. There was a stunned silence.
“Saaaur…” Leaves moaned, and covered his eyes.

So who’s your Pokémon?”
“Cubone!” I said with a grin.
“They have to have Metronome, bonehead.” She snapped.
“But he does know Metronome! He does, he does, he doooooooeeeeeees!” I whined, stamping my foot.

“Fine I’ll enter your stupid clod of dirt.” She snorted, writing it down, “Makes it easier for me to win. Name?”
“Yergago!” I grinned, brandishing a thick moustache and even thicker Italian accent, “Yergago Meniterelli!” She didn’t look impressed.

“…Oh, you meant my name.”

“Right. Well, I’m Anthony Jamieson Franklin Morgan Tyler Jones Roger Harry Edward Chambers.” I paused for a moment, “The first.”
“And hopefully the last…”

Chase peered at me for a moment, before getting back to writing. She muttered something, but all I caught was ‘weird’ and ‘freak’. I guessed it was something like ‘it’s weird how freaking good he is.’

“This would be it!” I said anxiously, and let Cubone out from his ball, “Get ready to fight, Cueball!” I roared, and threw the door open. Inside was a mop, a pail and a pair of suspenders. They looked like a pretty villainous bunch.
“I guess this is some sort of test… Cubone!” I commanded, “Use Metronome!”
He lifted his fingers, and wiggled them about. After a moment, they glowed an eerie glow. Something quite E.T. inspired. Hey, that’d be handy when my night-light isn’t working…
The objects started to vibrate; it looked like he was going to make them float.
They rose from the floor before falling back down unceremoniously.
“Hey!” I snapped, kicking the mop spitefully, “What happened?” I reached into my pocket, and grabbed the Pokédex. I pointed it at Cubone. Dream Eater.

“Cubone!” I groaned, slapping my forehead “You can’t eat dreams from a utility closet!!” He stumbled around, before his eyes widened and he coughed out a circular piece of paper with an image on it. The Pokédex seemed to be rather talkative, and continued.

When the user’s HP… is full, the targets dream is… rejected and displayed.

“Hm!” I muttered, “Suspender dreams…” I picked up the paper and inspected it. “Hey look! The mop is in Vegas…”

Suddenly, a strange yellow thing appeared in front of us. It looked like a combination of a cat, a goat, and an emoticon of some disturbing description.
“Wh-what is it?” I gasped.
“Abraaaaa…” it droned.
“A bra?” I grunted, “Must be tricky to put you on…”

It growled in a low tone, and at this moment Cubone chose to fly towards the ceiling.
“Bulba?” Leaves gasped and we watched him float high above our heads.
“Yes!!” I cheered, “Cubone FLIES!!”
Cubone hovered in the air for a moment, before rocketing towards us. “Cubone DIVES!!” I roared enthusiastically.
He picked up speed, before crashing to the floor with a sickening thud. “Cubone… crashes.”

“Hey, what’s he doing?” I asked Leaves, who closed his eyes, and lifted his claws. He then dashed to another spot, and slammed into the ground.
“So you’re saying that they’re communicating psychically to send and receive commands, namely lifting Cubone up and slamming him back down with an obvious disregard for the condition the floor will be in afterwards?” Leaves nodded slowly.
“So they’re not composing un-hearable music to an audience of pancakes, then?” I explored the other option of Leaves’ charades, and was given an answer in the negative.

Abra continued to fling Cubone about, sending him into walls and skidding across the floor.
“This isn’t fair!” I wailed, “Chase said he couldn’t use attacks!” Leaves nudged against me, and pawed at a piece of paper with a scribbled message on it. She said you could give basic commands, which obviously includes telekinesis.
“Anything else?” I asked, and Leaves turned the page over.
Moron.
“This isn’t good!” I whimpered, “Cubone’s going to get slaughtered, and apparently I’m a moron!

Keep up the good work.

[Drago]

Ooh, a month. Nice work, Tony. Sorry about that one! This chapter isn't really a favourite of mine, so it took a bit of tinkering.

Crystalmaster Mike: Yeah, Tony does get appear to get dumberer as time goes by, but I pin that on the amount of injuries he sustains. And his birthday is the 19th. Feel free to wish him happy birthday when the time comes!
Powarun: For some reason that reminds me, I've always thought Kadabra had a really nasty tail. It's like some disgusting bee appendage. I'm glad I got that out there.
Sike Saner: lol I'm yet to try a 'noming battle for reals myself, though I reckon it would be fun! Maybe Nintendo can make me a special Cubone with it.

Righto, chapatore! Not a favourite, but the following chapters are better, so they shouldn't take as long. Yeppers.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Eighteenth
Stupid Stupor

“Isn’t that great?” was what I was awoken with.
“…Wha?” I gargled, rubbing my eyes and trying rapidly to gain my bearings.
“So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m going to win.” the voice continued, “But it mostly depends on which Pokémon I open up against, I guess.” He glanced at his watch, and placed a surprised expression on his face. “Jeez, sure got late fast! I better get an early breakfast before training.” He took my hand and shook it quickly before turning to walk off. “So yeah, look me up in the tournament rankings. Jimmy Murphy. Should be pretty high up there.”
By now I was blinking so fast my eyelids were liable to fall off. Jimmy… Murphy? Huh?
“Nice meeting you, Mr. Mortimer Ainsley.” Jimmy said as he walked off, and I shook my head. I looked around, seeing that I was standing in a hallway of the ‘Nome Dome. I had no idea how or when I had gotten there, just that I had a throbbing headache and needed to sit down.

I fell to the floor, holding my head. I guess I had gone a little too hard on last night’s birthday festivities. A couple casual drinks, then someone breaks out with the good stuff (I think it might’ve been Lido) and before you know it Leaves and I are dancing naked around the crippled Abra. That’s all that I remember… Though I have a suspicion…
I looked inside my coat pocket, and in one of the pockets found a piece of paper adorned with hearts containing a phone number and the message ‘for another good time with the grizzly bear’. “Ahh.” I muttered, “Quite.”

I gazed over at Leaves. He was snoring loudly, quite clearly still tanked himself. And naked too, but that was nothing new for him. I tried my damndest to piece together the last couple hours, and finally concluded that I had had an entire conversation with this Jimmy guy while asleep. In the process of the night, apparently declaring myself Mortimer Ainsley, possibly the lamest name I could’ve derived in a state of utter drunkenness.

“Righto.” I grunted, nudging Leaves so that he would wake up. The moment he did, he was groaning and closing his eyes tightly. “I dunno about you, but I get hungry when I’m hungover. Nothing drowns out vast quantities of liquor like a big bowl of ravioli, eh?” The mere mention of food was enough to make Leaves release an unpleasant reminder of the night’s events all over the floor. “Ugh…” I winced, trying my best to keep it down myself, “Maybe just an aspirin for you.”
I paced for a moment. Perhaps because I was worried. Perhaps because I was disoriented. Or perhaps pacing just excited me.
“Y’know, I haven’t had breakfast in nine years.” I declared as a matter of interest, “An unfortunate Lucky Charms accident.” I looked up spitefully, “Lucky for some.”
Leaves made an unfortunate retching sound, before sprawling himself on a nearby couch, possibly to die.
“Let’s see what there is around here.” I muttered, scanning up and down the hallway like a ravenous robot. “Pencil… plant… paper… pension-pending Prince Panda’s pretty puerile purposes.” I grinned proudly over at Leaves, who wasn’t impressed by my alliteration. Taking note of the couch he was dwelling upon, I hopped atop it, and stuck my hand deep in between the slimy old cushions.
“Keys… remote control… nose…” After a little excavation, I managed to relinquish a couple of very old potato chips, and chomped them down with little hesitation. “Hm, couch potato.”

Leaves looked as though he had had enough, though really, he had had enough last night. He shut his eyes and resumed snoring, leaving a patch of saliva on the cushion that, filthy as it was, didn’t actually seem to change its colour in the slightest. Dutifully, I grabbed Klepto’s Pokéball.
“Kleppers!” I said with a yawn, “Go find us a place to eat!” He took flight, and then stopped abruptly, landing on the floor right next to me.
“And of course I mean a place with food. Not a place WHERE FOOD COULD BE EATEN!” I snarled, shaking my fist at him. He whizzed off once again down the hallway, bouncing and bumping about the walls and looking to all the world like an insane green pea with wings. He turned a corner, and I groaned in indignation.
“What, I can’t even get a turkey to find me food?” I whined to nobody in particular, “This is about as successful as a three-legged dog who walks about the streets shaking people’s hand and declaring ‘I am unsuccessful’.” I took a moment to grab out Lido’s Pokéball and stared at it thoughtfully. Something still didn’t quite make sense about this Nidorina. Something I couldn’t entirely put my finger on, but I guess it’d come to me with time. There she rested, within that little ball… Likely entirely drunk. Probably wasn’t a good idea to get an infant plastered, was it? The Gum’s wouldn’t like that at all, though if they did I was wasting my time out here, there were valuable liquor heads back in Dezu City.

Thumping into the wall, Klepto came back around the corner, looking quite pleased with himself.
“You found a place to eat?” I asked hopefully, and he just hopped up and down excitedly in response. “Alright!” I said with a grin, shooting a fist to the air. I felt such an air of superiority. If I saw a three-legged dog in the street, I’d kick it. I walked around the corner, and immediately collided with something. I fell back to the floor, and saw that plonked right in the middle of the hall was a food stand, cleverly titled ‘Place to Eat’.
The bald, goatee-brandishing man within the stand leant over to look at me sitting there on the floor.
“Well hello there, fella!” he said chirpily, waving at me, “You look like you’re hungrier than a grizzly, eh?”
“Oh no, it’s worse than I thought…” I moaned, “He’s Canadian!!”
“So could I interest you in some bacon?” he offered, pointing to displays of food curiously held up by hooks as though they were fairground prizes, “Or maybe some poutine, straight from the streets of Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu?”
I took a long, hard look at the tattered, dripping fries oozing what may or may not have been gravy as they dangled off their hook, and surmised that they likely were quite literally straight from the streets.
“No thanks,” I replied, peeking at his nametag, “Dwayne… Sparingly, I’ll just have some pancakes.” He nodded, and thumbed through the food items, pieces falling to the floor as he did. Eventually he retrieved a pair of pancakes, which he held up in front of me.

I shuddered as he plonked them on a plate, before throwing caution to the wind and pouncing at the first one like a cat on a mouse. Or perhaps a cat on another, smaller cat, should it be hungry enough. It may have been filthy, nasty and looked to have been written on, but who cares? It was mine!
I downed it quickly, and as the last mouthful went down, my stomach responded with an infuriated sound. I clutched it tightly, and then, to my horror, the vision in my left eye began to disappear until everything before it was just a blurry mess.
“Oh lord!!” I wailed, and Dwayne held up the other pancake, which had a warning scrawled on it; ‘May cause blindness’.
“This is horrible!” I cried, “I can’t see nothing out of my left eye!” Another tragic rumbling sound from my stomach, “And I don’t think I’m gonna keep that pancake down…”
Dwayne reached up to his series of hooks, and pulled down a bottle of ‘Canada’s Best Stomach Antacid’ tablets. I downed it with similar fervour to the pancake, and breathed a sigh of relief. I turned the bottle around, and looked at the warning instructions on the back. It said something that truly frightened me. ‘May increase blindness’.
Bellowing and stumbling about, a hungover mess, and progressively becoming blinder in each eye, I dashed off down the hall.
“Thank you sir, that’ll be two Loonies today.” Dwayne called after me. Needless to say, he would not be getting his Loonies.
I lumbered down the hallway, clutching my eyes and roaring in agony. I shoved past a couple of people who seemed to now be appearing before me, and one of them tried to figure out my actions.
“I got it, Oedipus, right? Right?”

Where was Leaves? Where was Klepto? Was that Leaves, or just a dumb houseplant? …Crap, Leaves is a dumb houseplant!
An announcement over the speakers didn’t help matters. “Anthony Chambers, your match is in five minutes. Anthony Chambers, report to the west arena NOW.”
I tore off in a direction possibly the same as the west arena, though filled with an unfortunate amount of wall in my way. Eventually, I landed with a thud into a large room.
“About time you made it, Chambers!” the opponent mused.
“I’m blind!” I whimpered, “Vision eludes me, as does fortune and lovely women!”
“Dramatic.” The opponent replied, though it may as well have been a wall. I couldn’t make out a damn thing. I squinted, and could just barely see something shiny. A steel Pokémon? What kind of steel Pokémon knows Metronome?
“So that’s how you wanna play, huh?” I snapped, “Beat up the blind man? Well, we’ll show you! Go get ‘em, Cubone!” I flung the ball at the figure, hoping to knock it out that way, and some odd brown blur came out.
“What in the hell is that?” I grunted, rubbing my eyes, “Oh yeah, Cubone. Sorry, I was thinking of Bonecu. Or Bonk you, as I call it.” I pointed a finger at the opponent, “Now, use Metronome!”

Cubone seemed to hesitate for a moment (possibly intimidated by this horrific opponent?), before obeying, summoning a small wave of water that was hardly enough for him to flail about in. He hopelessly tried to make an attack of it, but to no avail.
“Splash?” I whined, “Nooo, that won’t do!”
“Not an impressive display, Chambers.” The opponent said mockingly, and I angrily instructed Cubone to try again. He lifted his arms, summoning all his force for the random attack, and a large bell began to formulate.
Heal Bell. The Pokédex chimed in (get it? Chimed?), though its jangling sound was not helping my headache at all. Afterwards, it just disappeared once again.
“Heal Bell?” I shouted, “That’s worthless! You shoulda grabbed the damn bell and walloped your enemy with it. That thing was huge! It could’ve been a Hurt Bell!”
The opponent seemed to be sending off an attack of its own now, in the shape of a shot of water towards Cubone. He dodged it, and I nodded confidently.
“Ha! Water Guns will not save you, mine enemy!” I roared, “Metronome, Cubone!”
Cubone lifted his hand, then span about rapidly. The Pokédex indicated this was Dizzy Punch. I watched on proudly as Cubone picked up speed, before finally planting a fist in his own skull.
“Uh, Cubone…” I muttered, “I think you’ve misunderstood the concept of Dizzy Punch. Try something else!” He shook his head, before finally charging at the opponent and headbutting it. He crashed into it with a metallic clang, and bounced off. It didn’t seem to have any effect.
“Hahaha!” the opponent laughed it right off, “Too strong for you?”
“No good?” I said with a shrug, “Try one more Metronome!” Cubone used Metronome again, paused for a moment, and then reached into his helmet. Struggling like an Austrian spy pulling a tracking device from his nose, he finally unearthed a large egg.
“An… egg?” I muttered, confused, “What’s up with that?” I leant closer, and could hear a ticking sound from inside it.
With no emotion, as though in mockery of everyone and their imminent death, the Pokédex said simply, Egg Bomb.

“Oh god, get rid of it! Get rid of it!” I bellowed. In a panic, Cubone passed it on to me. I looked down at the object in my hands in pure horror. Who cares that I couldn’t see, there was a white blob of something there and I didn’t want it.
“No!” I screamed, “Get rid of it, not me!” I piffed it up into the air with all my might, but it just soared right back into my grasp.
“Confounded gravity!” I snarled, “How can I get rid of this? …With all limbs intact?” I set it carefully on the floor, and tried to make a run for it, only to find that my tail had coiled itself around the egg.
“Daaaaamn!” I moaned, “Stupid dutiful tail!” I took the tail in both hands, “What are you, a hero?” I slapped it, but it proceeded to slap me back. “Owwwww!” I whined, “Help! I’m beating me up!!”
I plucked the egg away from my tail, my hands sweating and shaking. It was ticking faster and faster. “No good hoping it’s just a sinister clock. It’s gonna blow!!” I flung it over my shoulder, and covered my ears. The explosion wasn’t half as big as I’d expected; all limbs intact. All five of them.
After a moment, somebody clapped. I blinked rapidly until finally my vision began to return. I looked over towards the clapping, and found it to be Jimmy.
“Well done, Mort!” he said warmly, “Cockiest damn victory I’ve ever seen, but impressive all the same.”
“What?” I said, gawking.
“You beat that mute guy without even looking at him once!” Jimmy chuckled, pointing in the direction the Egg Bomb had landed. There was a fellow standing there, shaking his head dolefully over his charred Pokémon.
“So if he was there, then who in the hell was I fighting?” I gasped, and turned towards Cubone. In front of him was a drinking fountain.
“You may have won the battle, but you’ll never win the war, Chambers!” the tiny little speaker inexplicably placed above the fountain shouted. In my annoyance, I punched it right in that little speaker.
“So, all that being said…” Jimmy muttered, “What’s your beef with drinking fountains, anyhow?”
“You heard it!” I shot back, “It was a smartass!” I groaned, returned Cubone and walked away, glad that my opponent at the very least wouldn’t be spreading any gossip about this little ordeal.

MORAL OF THE MINT: …Don’t trust cooking Canadians, eh?

[Crystalmaster Mike]

"May increase blindness" - priceless!

Well, glad to see Tony may have gotten older, but none the wiser. Though he has to watch out, though: elaborate drinking, as well as unmentionable affairs with large mammals, are forbidden in most countries! Then, again, the law enforcers of any country with a valuta named Loonie're never gonna be so hard on him, anyway.

Nice job, again. You can really measure how Tony's 'training' is paying off - beware, all smartass drinking fountains out there! There is a new king in town, and he has a tail!

[Sike Saner]

Good ol' Tony. Only he would get into a heated fight with a DRINKING FOUNTAIN. XD

Also great were the blindness-causing pancakes--and the blindness-increasing antacid made that scene even better still. XD

Highlights

I fell to the floor, holding my head. I guess I had gone a little too hard on last night’s birthday festivities. A couple casual drinks, then someone breaks out with the good stuff (I think it might’ve been Lido) and before you know it Leaves and I are dancing naked around the crippled Abra.

I looked inside my coat pocket, and in one of the pockets found a piece of paper adorned with hearts containing a phone number and the message ‘for another good time with the grizzly bear’.

I gazed over at Leaves. He was snoring loudly, quite clearly still tanked himself. And naked too, but that was nothing new for him.

“Y’know, I haven’t had breakfast in nine years.” I declared as a matter of interest, “An unfortunate Lucky Charms accident.” I looked up spitefully, “Lucky for some.”

Leaves made an unfortunate retching sound, before plonking himself on a nearby couch, possibly to die.

Taking note of the couch he was dwelling upon, I hopped atop it, and stuck my hand deep in between the slimy old cushions.
“Keys… remote control… nose…” After a little excavation, I managed to relinquish a couple of very old potato chips, and chomped them down with little hesitation. “Hm, couch potato.”

“Kleppers!” I said with a yawn, “Go find us a place to eat!” He took flight, and then stopped abruptly, landing on the floor right next to me.
“And of course I mean a place with food. Not a place WHERE FOOD COULD BE EATEN!” I snarled, shaking my fist at him.

“This is about as successful as a three-legged dog who walks about the streets shaking people’s hand and declaring ‘I am unsuccessful’.”

“Alright!” I said with a grin, shooting a fist to the air. I felt such an air of superiority. If I saw a three-legged dog in the street, I’d kick it.

I fell back to the floor, and saw that plonked right in the middle of the hall was a food stand, cleverly titled ‘Place to Eat’.

I shuddered as he plonked them on a plate, before throwing caution to the wind and pouncing at the first one like a cat on a mouse. Or perhaps a cat on another, smaller cat, should it be hungry enough.

I downed it quickly, and as the last mouthful went down, my stomach responded with an infuriated sound. I clutched it tightly, and then, to my horror, the vision in my left eye began to disappear until everything before it was just a blurry mess.
“Oh lord!!” I wailed, and Dwayne held up the other pancake, which had a warning scrawled on it; ‘May cause blindness’.
“This is horrible!” I cried, “I can’t see nothing out of my left eye!” Another tragic rumbling sound from my stomach, “And I don’t think I’m gonna keep that pancake down…”
Dwayne reached up to his series of hooks, and pulled down a bottle of ‘Canada’s Best Stomach Antacid’ tablets. I downed it with similar fervour to the pancake, and breathed a sigh of relief. I turned the bottle around, and looked at the warning instructions on the back. It said something that truly frightened me. ‘May increase blindness’.
Bellowing and stumbling about, a hungover mess, and progressively becoming blinder in each eye, I dashed off down the hall.

Was that Leaves, or just a dumb houseplant? …Crap, Leaves is a dumb houseplant!

“I’m blind!” I whimpered, “Vision eludes me, as does fortune and lovely women!”

“Splash?” I whined, “Nooo, that won’t do!”
“Not an impressive display, Chambers.” The opponent said mockingly, and I angrily instructed Cubone to try again. He lifted his arms, summoning all his force for the random attack, and a large bell began to formulate.
Heal Bell. The Pokédex chimed in (get it? Chimed?), though its jangling sound was not helping my headache at all. Afterwards, it just disappeared once again.
“Heal Bell?” I shouted, “That’s worthless! You shoulda grabbed the damn bell and walloped your enemy with it. That thing was huge! It could’ve been a Hurt Bell!”

With no emotion, as though in mockery of everyone and their imminent death, the Pokédex said simply, Egg Bomb.

“Oh god, get rid of it! Get rid of it!” I bellowed. In a panic, Cubone passed it on to me. I looked down at the object in my hands in pure horror. Who cares that I couldn’t see, there was a white blob of something there and I didn’t want it.
“No!” I screamed, “Get rid of it, not me!” I piffed it up into the air with all my might, but it just soared right back into my grasp.
“Confounded gravity!”

“You beat that mute guy without even looking at him once!” Jimmy chuckled, pointing in the direction the Egg Bomb had landed. There was a fellow standing there, shaking his head dolefully over his charred Pokémon.
“So if he was there, then who in the hell was I fighting?” I gasped, and turned towards Cubone. In front of him was a drinking fountain.
“You may have won the battle, but you’ll never win the war, Chambers!” the tiny little speaker inexplicably placed above the fountain shouted. In my annoyance, I punched it right in that little speaker.
“So, all that being said…” Jimmy muttered, “What’s your beef with drinking fountains, anyhow?”
“You heard it!” I shot back, “It was a smartass!” I groaned, returned Cubone and walked away, glad that my opponent at the very least wouldn’t be spreading any gossip about this little ordeal.

Boss work as always, and I look forward to more as always.

[Drago]

Crystalmaster Mike: lol yes indeed! Tony takes on all-comers... particularly of the smartass drinking fountain variety. Additionally, one of these days I should keep track of how many laws Tony has broken. Could come in handy in future.
Sike Saner: You know, it's funny, sometimes lines I had written aren't funny until they're separated into quotes... And it wasn't until I had read your reply that I found "Was that Leaves, or just a dumb houseplant? …Crap, Leaves is a dumb houseplant!" funny. I like that.

Another month, another chapter! That's how we work when we're Minty. This one also possessses a favourite quote of mine later on. See if you can guess what it is.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Nineteenth
Nickelfinals

A wide and noticeably unsettling grin spread across his wicked face, as he came upon a pleasing revelation. Was it the Grinch, formulating a devious plot with which to put a screeching halt to the wonder of Christmas? Was it the Shredder, soon to lay waste to his reptilian enemies, in spite of the useless nature of his cronies? Was it Professor Ratigan, about to unfurl his intentions to overthrow the Queen of England (while likely being pleased with himself for being voiced by Vincent Price)?
…Nah, it was just good old Tony Chambers peering over the tournament brackets. Though I must admit, I had some nifty ideas to ruin Christmas, wouldn’t have minded smacking down some wiseass turtles, and that Queen certainly wasn’t exempt from my fury, either! And, all going well, Vincent Price wouldn’t object to the idea of voicing me post-mortem. More on that one as it develops.

“Look!” I squealed, “Only three more matches ‘til I’ve pummelled all opposing blobs, fish and trees!” I beamed a proud glance at Leaves, “I’m in the nickelfinals!!”
I struck a dramatic pose, which looked more like Rambo dancing the La Bamba. Afterwards, I strolled casually towards the bathroom; a generally irritated Leaves by my side.
“However…” I raised an eyebrow. Or at least I believed I did. It’s somewhat difficult to see your own eyebrow. Except for that one time with the rubber bands and squirrels, but that’s another story for another bottle of Tequila. “One must look one’s best!” I gazed lovingly into the mirror, until I noticed a horrid blemish beneath my nose.
“ACK!” I cried, throwing my hands to my face, “One’s spotted a spot! One’s pinpointed a pinpointer! One has… A PIMPLE!!” I stomped like a furious four-year-old. “Why is it you only see these things when you’re looking in the mirror?” I whined, to which Leaves rolled his eyes. I dashed across the bathroom, and barricaded the door with various barricading objects. Namely a trashcan and a piece of paper with the words, ‘large barricading article’ scrawled upon it.
I leant closer to the mirror. It was amongst the hairs of my moustache… or lack of, anyway. It was more like peach fuzz, but it was my fuzz all the same.
“So how does one go about destroying it without harming the ‘stache?” I grumbled, puzzled. Leaves shrugged with disinterest. “Well my moustache is very important to me! It makes me look more like Mario!”
Leaves just stared me down, making me feel less Mario-like with each passing second. Then, at the most opportune moment, the Power Star I had been hiding in my rear pocket made a break for it, slipping out underneath the door.
“Son of a Koopa!” I roared mournfully. But no time to dwell.

I readied my finger against the offending blemish in the ritual picking position, most certain it’d be flung against the mirror in an amusing display. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.
“Here goes…” I whimpered, and scraped my finger across my face at a ferocious pace. “Oh OW!!” I bellowed, and looked wearily into the mirror. “Aww Hölle!” I snapped, “I missed! …Oh hang on, I was aiming for the wrong side of my face.”
Never one to miss the chance of a mention in this FanFic, Leaves shook his head.
“Well the reflection tricked me!!”
I went about my pocket, and yanked out a staple remover I hadn’t recalled obtaining at any point in my life.
“A-HA!” I shouted, and Leaves’ eyes widened. I eyed it warily and gulped. Hopefully this wouldn’t be as painful as the odds indicated. I winced, and placed the staple remover on my face, ready to tighten my grip.
There was a sudden thud outside the room, then frantic knocking on the door, that shocked me so much that I threw the staple remover over my shoulder.
“Hey! What’s goin’ on?!” a voice shouted, “The door’s jammed! Hello? Someone open the door! I gotta use the toilet!” At this declaration, I couldn’t help but frown. Well, obviously. What else would you do in a bathroom, genius? Callisthenics?
Putting this aside, I pondered for a brief moment as to the whereabouts of the staple remover. The response, an undeniable splash that made me tear towards the toilet.
“Oh NO!” I wailed, as I watched the metallic object disappear into the depths. “Nooo! I’ve dropped me staple remover down the loo!!”
“…What?” the voice from outside said in a tone of utter bemusement.
“Stay out of this, you inferior point of interest!” I snapped, walking dejectedly back to the mirror. I sighed, and looked down at Leaves.
“Got a hammer?”
He shook his head.
“A chisel?”
Again, negative.
“A blonde cheerleader?”
“Bulba?”
“Hey, it’d make me feel better…”

I dipped into my pockets one last time. After a moment, I found it. The tragic inevitability of my solution was within my very possession; the ultimate last resort.
“…Leaves.” I said solemnly, “I just may have to do one of the most painful things I’ve done since eating crackers while getting a root canal.” As I said this, I unsheathed the Weedle horn.
Leaves took a step back, as though drawn back by the spiritual energy of the horn. “So what do you think? Got any better ideas? Is this the most stupid and idiotic thing I’ve done in my life… or at least twelve minutes?” Leaves nodded frantically. “Ah, bite me!” I spat back. Needing no more provocation, Leaves pounced like a tiger, mouth wide open.
“WAAAAEAAAAAAAAAGGH!!!” I screeched as he sunk his teeth right into the pimple in an act that was horrendously painful, as well as downright icky, “Not LITERALLY!!”
The pimple was gone, but now my upper lip was spurting blood like a leaking pen.
“Oh no!” I gulped, “Is it noticeable?” I looked in Leaves’ direction, spraying blood all about his face. Clearly, it was somewhat noticeable.
“I’m coming in there!!” the voice beyond the door bellowed.
“Aaaaag!” I wailed, as blood shot into the sink, “Gotta clean up!”
I hurriedly smeared my face against the mirror, the counter and the Leaves.
“Quick! Quick!” I sputtered, dashing across to the toilet stalls and dripping blood every step of the way, “Gotta hurry!”
I snatched a roll of toilet paper and rapidly wrapped it around my face, leaving only my eyes uncovered. I scooped up Leaves under my arm, and threw the door open.
“All yours.” I said in a muffled voice, leaving the horrified gent to do whatever he pleased with the bloody bathroom. (I made a funny!)

The moment I had torn out into the hallway, there was an announcement, as per usual; ‘Anthony Chambers, your match is in five minutes, Anthony Chambers, report to the east arena NOW’.
“Oh dear, that’s not at all good…” I grumbled, “Why is it always five minutes, anyway? I mean, honestly. Give me a good six minutes and I could come better prepared.” I took a step forward, and then came upon a drastic realisation. “Hang on; I can’t just go out there like this. I require a reason for this toilet paper garb. I’ve got to come up with, like, an alias or something… one that’s new and original… A-ha! Superhero names!” I let out a breath of relief over my quick thinking. “Uhh… Batmanthony? Green Lantony? No…” I frowned, stamping my foot impatiently, “I’ve got to keep this name appropriate.”
********************************
The ring announcer sighed as he took note of the name I had scribbled down for him to read. “Can’t believe I’m doing this…” he muttered under his breath. He straightened up his coat and threw his hand to the air, damn near slapping me in the face.
“And in this corner…” he declared, taking a deep breath, “The Maniacal Mr. Mummy Mysteriously Mocking Many Minute Mice Malevolently!” he paused, “…With a Melon.”
I proudly held my newfound melon to the air for all to see. Always handy when Klepto brings back this sort of thing regularly.
“Blood will spill!” I snarled in my intimidating mummy voice.
The announcer raised an eyebrow, “What’s that?”
I sighed, “Blood will SPILL!” I said louder.
“Sorry.” he mumbled, “Can’t understand a word you’re saying…”
I stomped my foot, and shifted the toilet paper so that my mouth was uncovered. “BLOOD WILL SPILL!!” I wailed with such force that I shot off some of my own blood. It hit the announcer right on his deep purple coat.
“…See?” I said with a smirk.

“Gooooo Snorlax!” my opponent, who for now we’ll just call Opponent, roared.
I snickered. “Snorlaxes don’t know no Metroknome!” I paused for a moment, “Metronome.” God knows how I pronounced a silent K.
I shifted in my coat. Twice, because the first one was quite awkward and resulted in the coat falling to the floor. Opponent and the announcer’s eyes widened at sight of the Smeargle tail.
“Oh now come on!” I snapped, “Who’s to say mummies don’t have paintbrush tails!” I stepped up accusingly at their prejudice views, “Perhaps they are all artists deep down? That Tutankhamen guy looked like quite the Fettuccine!!” I defiantly threw down Cubone’s Pokéball.
However, to my chagrin, the contents turned out to be Klepto, who was rather inappropriate for a Metronome-based battles, possessing no fingers with which to Metronome.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “Klepto you silly thing! Don’t ever pop out of your Pokéball without me instructing you to like that! Why, any idiot would think I grabbed the wrong Pokéball back at my locker room!”
I gave a ferocious nudge to Leaves, pushing him towards the exit, “That I’d grabbed the wrong ball out of Locker 269, combination 2-5-4-9. Why, that would be quite bad, and I would have to send somebody off to get it, wouldn’t I?” I scowled at Leaves, and he finally caught on. He left towards the locker room, slowly as possible.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “How about… Umm… Before this battle I have something to say!” I took a deep breath. “Umm… Four score, and seven beers ago…”
********************************
“And extra pie…FOR ALL!” I bellowed, finally finishing the seventeen-minute speech. Leaves set the new Pokéball at my feet.
“Phew!” I grinned, “So what did you all think of my speech?”
Opponent frowned. “What’s that? I haven’t understood a word you said.”

“Nooooooo!” I cried, “That was the kind of speech that could end wars, begin peace, and make X-Boxes fit inside your house!!”
I threw the ball down furiously, as though the pain of my four fathers was within it. “Go Cubone!!”
Cubone was launched out of the ball at a furious pace. He readied himself, his possibly non-existent ears pricked. A low rumbling was sounding throughout the arena.
“What was that?” I gasped, in quite an annoying cliché. I mean, nobody knows what it is when somebody asks. That would just make it pointless dialogue.
A windy gust blew from the Snorlax, pushing me back a little, and I finally figured out what it was doing.
“IT’S GOING TO EXPLODE!!” I wailed. Leaves and Klepto frowned. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled, “I meant, it’s about to attack!” Then, I spotted the bubble sprouting from its nose. “Look! A bubble! It’s charging up its Bubble attack!”
Cubone dived for cover, a useless action on an empty battlefield, and I closed my eyes tight.
After a couple seconds, nothing had happened. I peeked out of the corner of my eye. Opponent was shaking his head, disappointed.
I strolled curiously up to the Snorlax. “Wow, this is a pretty weak Bubble attack…” I noted, frowning. I reached up towards the bubble and poked it. It popped and Snorlax promptly leapt to its feet with a mighty roar.
“Oh would you look at that?” I grinned, “It was sleeping!”
Noting me as the one who had woken it, it lifted its fist in a rage.
“Eeaaag!” I cried, and pulled Cubone in front of me, “Hit him, not me!”
I scrambled over to the other side of the arena. “Don’t worry, Cubone!” I shouted, “I’m right behind you!” I took particular care to position myself so that I was exactly behind Cubone, albeit thirty yards away.

Snorlax threw its fist down in Cubone’s direction, and he leapt aside, dodging it without much effort. He lifted his bone, and hit Snorlax in the arm with all his might. The bone just bounced off against Snorlax’s bulk and was thrown aside.
“Cueball!” I cried, “I’d recommend ‘noming right about now!”
Cubone waggled his fingers about as rapidly as he could. In a flash, he began circling around Snorlax at blinding speeds with Agility.
“Slow down there, boy!” I shouted, “You’re going to get dizzy!” I held my mummified head tightly, “Or get me dizzy, anyway…”
Snorlax immediately responded in a Metronome of its own, resulting in a Double Team technique. Before my very eyes, several Snorlax filled the room, cramping things considerably. I was squashed uncomfortably between two likely fake Snorlaxes, and felt like a poor sap on the subway. I peered up at the one to my left, and, squinting, could’ve sworn I recognised it from somewhere.
“…Grizzly bear?” I cooed quietly. It responded with a mysterious wink, before Cubone barrelled through, causing the enigmatic Snorlax copy to disappear from my life forevermore. Annoyed that every attack seemed to be aimed at an illusion, Cubone created a Metronome-borne Waterfall that wiped them all out at once. Of course, the Waterfall didn’t just stop there. I groaned as I watched it come crashing in my direction.
“Aww Hölle.” I muttered, as the salty wave sent Leaves and I back into the wall. Klepto had flown safely above us, either to avoid getting hit, or just so that he was at safe laughing distance.

When I had rubbed the water out of my eyes (my toilet paper absolutely saturated and smelling rather salty, much to my dismay), I saw that the two competitors had begun headbutting each other. With one possessing superior speed, the other overwhelming power, neither was getting much of an edge. Though I would think that Cubone wearing a friggin’ helmet was a fantastic advantage. It’d be like Evel Knievel running into you headfirst, or Ray Lewis, since he also wears a helmet, or one of the Biker Mice from Mars, since they also ride motorbikes… Hmm, maybe not quite like that.
Perhaps just to put an end to my insipid train of thought, Cubone opened his mouth wide, leapt up and bit down on one of Snorlax’s ears with such aggression you’d think it was Leaves scarfing down a pimple. The Snorlax shook its head about angrily, not at all pleased with its newfound earring.
“That’s right, Cueball!” I roared, “Mike Tyson that ear! MIKE TYSON IT GOOD!” Lacking any better ideas, Snorlax slammed its head to the ground, flinging Cubone across the floor. He shook his head for a moment, before dashing behind Snorlax. He used another Metronome, launching an icy beam into the back of the beast. Waving its arms about, Snorlax stumbled around uncomfortably and then crashed onto its back. The momentum caused it to slide along the floor, which was amusing for a moment, less amusing when I noted that it was headed right for Cubone.
“Booooooone!” Cubone wailed, as Snorlax slid around on its back in quite the absurd display. Cubone ran like the dickens, until he found his bone lying on the ground. He scooped it up and turned towards Snorlax. He began to run in the oversized sled’s direction his opponent and then used the bone like a pole vault to leap up onto Snorlax’s stomach. He began pummelling at the great blue git, who writhed in pain, unable to lift its own weight, or stop its insane sliding for that matter. With another Metronome, Cubone pulled out a huge rock. From where did he pull it out? I have no clue.
He leapt up and threw it (aside with any logic) down into the Snorlax, who began to roll to a stop. Still in midair, Cubone waved his fingers about once again, and, spinning rapidly, shot out a Zap Cannon. It rocketed in Snorlax’s direction at a fantastic speed. Unfortunately, it also seemed to be zig-zagging around the room, causing its impact to take considerably longer, and creating a definite fire hazard.

It would be enough to take the Snorlax out for good. It waved its hands about in a desperate Metronome, and within seconds, turned a variety of magical colours and leapt back to its feet, rejuvenated.
“What was that, some kind of Recover attack?” I scoffed in disbelief, “Who in the hell would be stupid enough to allow Pokémon to just recover at a whim?? What kind of Pokémon would know such a technique, anyway? Sparkly-eyed ghosts and massive… sea slugs??” I giggled for a moment. Sea slug. Like that’d ever happen.
I was really cursing the bizarre trajectory of that Zap Cannon, because it was only now closing in on its target. Snorlax’s next Metronome caused it to spin about rapidly. Was it Rapid Spin? Possibly. Point is, it somehow deflected the electric blast back towards Cubone. For some reason, it also made it shoot off in a straight line, as opposed to dancing all over the shop. The force of the attack knocked Cubone back a little, but did little else. He lifted his bone up high and leapt at Snorlax’s throat like an insurance salesman. This time however, the Snorlax grabbed Cubone right in its jaw.
“Oh no, Cubone!” I wailed, “You’re not tasty enough for this to work!!” It shook Cubone about ferociously, until he managed to pry himself out with his bone and rolled back safely onto the arena floor.

This gave Snorlax the opportunity to get a clear Metronome shot, this time sending a Razor Leaf barrage of twenty-seven leaves, no doubt enough to put Cubone out. I was biting my nails (and lots of toilet paper), but Cubone just confidently span his bone across his fingers, similarly deflecting the leaves right back at their sender. Not bothering with a fancy retaliation, the Snorlax just ate the damn things as they came at it.
It stood there pensively for a moment, as though it had just realised something. Cubone dashed towards it and whapped it upside the head with his bone as hard as he could. Such force actually caused the Snorlax to open its eyes.
“Whaaaa?” I squealed in terror and confusion, “Snorlaxes… have eyes?”
Scanning the arena for the first time, it eyed Cubone and snorted with disinterest.
It is… hungry… The Pokédex offered.
“Well that’s all well and good,” I snapped, “But what’s there to eat?” It whipped its head around, before spotting me. A smile spread across its huge face. It gurgled some incomprehensible gibberish as it marched towards me.
“Pokédex…” I gulped, “Translation?”
The ‘dex beeped for a moment. Marshmallow…

“Marshmallow?” I repeated in confusion, before finally feeling around my toilet-paper covered head. “Oh! I’m a marshmallow.”
The Snorlax picked up speed and began running at a pace that belied its girth, its mouth opened wide.
“Aww Hölle.” I squeaked, as I dashed out of the arena. The Snorlax was hot on my literal tail, its arms outstretched like it wanted a hug. It was too late to assume its intentions were that pleasant, however. I wailed in a panic as we ran off dramatically into the sunrise.
********************************
Afternoon. I was sitting around the lobby, having only avoided becoming lunch thanks to Snorlax’s decision to abruptly take a nap.
“Congratulations on another bizarre win, Morty.” Jimmy said as he slapped me on the back, “Winning by a count-out? Pretty clever stuff.”
“Yes…” I grumbled, “I guess a Pokémon leaving the arena for nine hours would be a bit long, wouldn’t it?” I buried my hands in my face. I had won, though it was nearly at the expense of dear life. Definitely at the expense of toilet paper.
“One thing I can’t figure out, though.” I said with a frown, “How come the trainer didn’t call it back before it took off?”
“Oddly enough,” Jimmy replied, “The trainer had fallen asleep halfway through the match.”
“Like Pokémon like trainer.” I said with a grin. As if on cue, the trainer in question walked past.
“He’s gonna eat me!!” I squealed, and leapt under the chair. Leaves groaned as the bemused trainer continued on his way, apparently without intentions of devouring me. I popped my head out meekly.
“Well, nonetheless, I’m ready… For the sorta-finals!”

[Sike Saner]

"Mike Tyson" = Best verb ever. XD

Also particularly great was the Snorlax mistaking Tony for a MARSHMALLOW, as well as Tony squealing in fear of said Pokémon's trainer doing the same. XD

And ew, pimple-biting. How awesomely gross. XD Tony's icky, bloody misadventure in the bathroom was very amusing, indeed. XD

Now... DROWN IN QUOTES! >8D

Highlights

Was it Professor Ratigan, about to unfurl his intentions to overthrow the Queen of England (while likely being pleased with himself for being voiced by Vincent Price)?

…Nah, it was just good old Tony Chambers peering over the tournament brackets. Though I must admit, I had some nifty ideas to ruin Christmas, wouldn’t have minded smacking down some wiseass turtles, and that Queen certainly wasn’t exempt from my fury, either! And, all going well, Vincent Price wouldn’t object to the idea of voicing me post-mortem. More on that one as it develops.

“Only three more matches ‘til I’ve pummelled all opposing blobs, fish and trees!”

It’s somewhat difficult to see your own eyebrow. Except for that one time with the rubber bands and squirrels, but that’s another story for another bottle of Tequila.

“ACK!” I cried, throwing my hands to my face, “One’s spotted a spot! One’s pinpointed a pinpointer! One has… A PIMPLE!!” I stomped like a furious four-year-old. “Why is it you only see these things when you’re looking in the mirror?”

I dashed across the bathroom, and barricaded the door with various barricading objects. Namely a trashcan and a piece of paper with the words, ‘large barricading article’ scrawled upon it.

“Well my moustache is very important to me! It makes me look more like Mario!”
Leaves just stared me down, making me feel less Mario-like with each passing second. Then, at the most opportune moment, the Power Star I had been hiding in my rear pocket made a break for it, slipping out underneath the door.
“Son of a Koopa!” I roared mournfully.

Never one to miss the chance of a mention in this FanFic, Leaves shook his head.

I went about my pocket, and yanked out a staple remover I hadn’t recalled obtaining at any point in my life.

“The door’s jammed! Hello? Someone open the door! I gotta use the toilet!” At this declaration, I couldn’t help but frown. Well, obviously. What else would you do in a bathroom, genius? Callisthenics?

“Nooo! I’ve dropped me staple remover down the loo!!”

“…What?” the voice from outside said in a tone of utter bemusement.
“Stay out of this, you inferior point of interest!”

“So what do you think? Got any better ideas? Is this the most stupid and idiotic thing I’ve done in my life… or at least twelve minutes?” Leaves nodded frantically. “Ah, bite me!” I spat back. Needing no more provocation, Leaves pounced like a tiger, mouth wide open.

The pimple was gone, but now my upper lip was spurting blood like a leaking pen.
“Oh no!” I gulped, “Is it noticeable?” I looked in Leaves’ direction, spraying blood all about his face. Clearly, it was somewhat noticeable.

“All yours.” I said in a muffled voice, leaving the horrified gent to do whatever he pleased with the bloody bathroom. (I made a funny!)

‘Anthony Chambers, your match is in five minutes, Anthony Chambers, report to the east arena NOW’.
“Oh dear, that’s not at all good…” I grumbled, “Why is it always five minutes, anyway? I mean, honestly. Give me a good six minutes and I could come better prepared.”

He straightened up his coat and threw his hand to the air, damn near slapping me in the face.

“And in this corner…” he declared, taking a deep breath, “The Maniacal Mr. Mummy Mysteriously Mocking Many Minute Mice Malevolently!” he paused, “…With a Melon.”
I proudly held my newfound melon to the air for all to see. Always handy when Klepto brings back this sort of thing regularly.
“Blood will spill!” I snarled in my intimidating mummy voice.
The announcer raised an eyebrow, “What’s that?”
I sighed, “Blood will SPILL!” I said louder.
“Sorry.” he mumbled, “Can’t understand a word you’re saying…”
I stomped my foot, and shifted the toilet paper so that my mouth was uncovered. “BLOOD WILL SPILL!!” I wailed with such force that I shot off some of my own blood. It hit the announcer right on his deep purple coat.
“…See?” I said with a smirk.

my opponent, who for now we’ll just call Opponent

I snickered. “Snorlaxes don’t know no Metroknome!” I paused for a moment, “Metronome.” God knows how I pronounced a silent K.

I defiantly threw down Cubone’s Pokéball.
However, to my chagrin, the contents turned out to be Klepto, who was rather inappropriate for a Metronome-based battles, possessing no fingers with which to Metronome.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “Klepto you silly thing! Don’t ever pop out of your Pokéball without me instructing you to like that! Why, any idiot would think I grabbed the wrong Pokéball back at my locker room!”
I gave a ferocious nudge to Leaves, pushing him towards the exit, “That I’d grabbed the wrong ball out of Locker 269, combination 2-5-4-9. Why, that would be quite bad, and I would have to send somebody off to get it, wouldn’t I?” I scowled at Leaves, and he finally caught on. He left towards the locker room, slowly as possible.

“Uhh…” I muttered, “How about… Umm… Before this battle I have something to say!” I took a deep breath. “Umm… Four score, and seven beers ago…”
********************************
“And extra pie…FOR ALL!” I bellowed, finally finishing the seventeen-minute speech. Leaves set the new Pokéball at my feet.
“Phew!” I grinned, “So what did you all think of my speech?”
Opponent frowned. “What’s that? I haven’t understood a word you said.”

“Nooooooo!” I cried, “That was the kind of speech that could end wars, begin peace, and make X-Boxes fit inside your house!!”

I threw the ball down furiously, as though the pain of my four fathers was within it.

“What was that?” I gasped, in quite an annoying cliché. I mean, nobody knows what it is when somebody asks. That would just make it pointless dialogue.

A windy gust blew from the Snorlax, pushing me back a little, and I finally figured out what it was doing.
“IT’S GOING TO EXPLODE!!” I wailed. Leaves and Klepto frowned. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled, “I meant, it’s about to attack!” Then, I spotted the bubble sprouting from its nose. “Look! A bubble! It’s charging up its Bubble attack!”

I strolled curiously up to the Snorlax. “Wow, this is a pretty weak Bubble attack…” I noted, frowning. I reached up towards the bubble and poked it. It popped and Snorlax promptly leapt to its feet with a mighty roar.
“Oh would you look at that?” I grinned, “It was sleeping!”
Noting me as the one who had woken it, it lifted its fist in a rage.
“Eeaaag!” I cried, and pulled Cubone in front of me, “Hit him, not me!”
I scrambled over to the other side of the arena. “Don’t worry, Cubone!” I shouted, “I’m right behind you!” I took particular care to position myself so that I was exactly behind Cubone, albeit thirty yards away.

Snorlax immediately responded in a Metronome of its own, resulting in a Double Team technique. Before my very eyes, several Snorlax filled the room, cramping things considerably. I was squashed uncomfortably between two likely fake Snorlaxes, and felt like a poor sap on the subway. I peered up at the one to my left, and, squinting, could’ve sworn I recognised it from somewhere.
“…Grizzly bear?” I cooed quietly. It responded with a mysterious wink, before Cubone barrelled through, causing the enigmatic Snorlax copy to disappear from my life forevermore.

Annoyed that every attack seemed to be aimed at an illusion, Cubone created a Metronome-borne Waterfall that wiped them all out at once. Of course, the Waterfall didn’t just stop there. I groaned as I watched it come crashing in my direction.
“Aww Hölle.” I muttered, as the salty wave sent Leaves and I back into the wall. Klepto had flown safely above us, either to avoid getting hit, or just so that he was at safe laughing distance.

When I had rubbed the water out of my eyes (my toilet paper absolutely saturated and smelling rather salty, much to my dismay), I saw that the two competitors had begun headbutting each other. With one possessing superior speed, the other overwhelming power, neither was getting much of an edge. Though I would think that Cubone wearing a friggin’ helmet was a fantastic advantage. It’d be like Evel Knievel running into you headfirst, or Ray Lewis, since he also wears a helmet, or one of the Biker Mice from Mars, since they also ride motorbikes… Hmm, maybe not quite like that.
Perhaps just to put an end to my insipid train of thought, Cubone opened his mouth wide, leapt up and bit down on one of Snorlax’s ears with such aggression you’d think it was Leaves scarfing down a pimple.

“That’s right, Cueball!” I roared, “Mike Tyson that ear! MIKE TYSON IT GOOD!”

What kind of Pokémon would know such a technique, anyway? Sparkly-eyed ghosts and massive… sea slugs??” I giggled for a moment. Sea slug. Like that’d ever happen.

It is… hungry… The Pokédex offered.
“Well that’s all well and good,” I snapped, “But what’s there to eat?” It whipped its head around, before spotting me. A smile spread across its huge face. It gurgled some incomprehensible gibberish as it marched towards me.
“Pokédex…” I gulped, “Translation?”
The ‘dex beeped for a moment. Marshmallow…

“Marshmallow?” I repeated in confusion, before finally feeling around my toilet-paper covered head. “Oh! I’m a marshmallow.”

I had won, though it was nearly at the expense of dear life. Definitely at the expense of toilet paper.

“One thing I can’t figure out, though.” I said with a frown, “How come the trainer didn’t call it back before it took off?”
“Oddly enough,” Jimmy replied, “The trainer had fallen asleep halfway through the match.”
“Like Pokémon like trainer.” I said with a grin. As if on cue, the trainer in question walked past.
“He’s gonna eat me!!” I squealed, and leapt under the chair.

Yep, another chapter with a veritable drenload of amusing moments. Boss work.

[Drago]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MINTY THRILL!!
...Alright, so I might have missed Minty Thrill's 'official' fifth birthday (originally posted November 5th '02 for all those keeping score), but at least I can celebrate the rebirth of sorts, as this here re-written version before you has been going (slowly) for one year today! Whoopee! Party on, Wayne!

Sike Saner: ...A... drenload, you say? Never had one of those before. And yes, 'Mike Tysoning' is actually a part of my regular vocabulary, or at least whenever someone gets bitten on the ear, which doesn't happen as often as I'd like... Really, a lot of the things Tony says are derived from real conversations. ...Just horribly, horribly warped.

Anyhow, what better way is there to celebrate than with a 20th chapter?

By going back TO THE FUTURE??

Shut up, Doc.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Twentieth
Been Beamed?

“One, two, three, four, five…” I counted, and then paused, unconvinced. “No, that can’t be right. One, two… three, four, five.” A frown crossed my face. “Two, four… FIVE!” I furrowed my brow, frustrated, “ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE!” I shot up from my seat in fury, rousing Leaves from his sleep, “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!”
My Bulb-is-sore comrade blinked a couple times, looking up at me in shock. “Uh, sorry.” I muttered, “Thought I’d grown an extra finger.”
I shifted my weight onto my left foot, and looked thoughtful. “You know, I think it’s about time I got a new Pokémon. I haven’t caught one in like, seven chapters…” A look of confusion from Leaves which I quickly brushed off. “Never mind. How about we take a peek outside…”
I cautiously stepped out the door into the dusk air. It was getting pretty dark now, and the sun was just barely visible above a nearby mountain.
“It’s hard to see out here.” I whispered, stating the obvious. I knelt down towards the ground, and took a great big whiff of the air. “I reckon Pokémon are nearby… I can smell them!” I gazed over my shoulder, towards the dome. “Oh yeah, that’d probably be what I smell.”

I crawled along quietly, as I assumed it was the thing to do. My head whipped around when I heard something. I strained to make out what it was; it just looked green to me.
“I see something!” I hissed, and slowly inched towards it. “Careful… careful…” I was right in front of it now, and my tail was wagging anxiously. “NOW!” I cried, and landed on it like a sumo wrestler tripping over a hurdle. I grabbed hold of it as it squirmed and thrashed about.
“I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” I yelled.
“Saaaaaaur!!!” It snarled.
“It’s a Saur!” I exclaimed, excitedly.
It slipped free from my grasp and ran towards the light of the doorway. I was a tad confused as it became clear.
“Leaves?” I muttered, “…Since when have you been a wild Pokémon?” He muttered something in indignation and stormed back into the dome, angrily kicking the door shut behind him.
“Well excuuuuuse me, princess!” I snapped, “Not my fault you refused to cooperate. You’re the lousiest uncaptured Pokémon I’ve ever captured!” I sighed, and walked towards the door. I turned the handle, then walked in… to the door.
“Hey!” I whined, “You’re supposed to be open!” I shook my fist. “Don’t defy me!!”
I turned the handle again, but still, the door wouldn’t open. “Heeeeeeey!” I shouted, “I’ve been locked in!” I took a quick scan of the trees, grass and rocks surrounding me. “Alright then, locked out, whatever!” I whined, pounding my fists against the door. Still, it wouldn’t open. I thought perhaps I could tempt it with a chocolate bar, but decided otherwise. I’m not one to bribe a door.

I wandered around the side of the building in the hopes that an alternative entrance would present itself, when light spilled all across the ground. Bemused, I peered back up towards the sun. It had just come out from behind a mess of clouds. It spilled over the area, and almost seemed like pure daylight again.
“Oh, grand!” I cheered, “It’s that night sun I hear so much about.” I pondered for a moment, pacing back and forth. “Wait, that’s not right. Must be a fake then? Some sort of mirage sun?” I peered up ahead, taking note of a bike, “So then, that must be a mirage bike!”
I barrelled into the supposedly fake bike at full speed, only to tumble over, and clutched my ankle in pain.
“Oww… Mirage sprain!” I wailed. I hobbled up and pointed accusingly at the bike. “You stupid thing!” I roared, and kicked it furiously. “Nobody trips me up, except me!” I stuck one foot in front of the other and tripped again. I coughed up a cloud of dirt. “See?”
I got to my feet, brushed myself off and looked around. There were actually a lot of bikes. Upon closer inspection, they were actually motorbikes, including the one I had mangled. I gulped, and, despite urges not to, looked over my shoulder. Standing there was a large group of burly, tattooed men.
“Oh now come on!” I cried, “Like you’d just stand there and watch me kick the crap out of your bike! No waaaaaay!”
They snarled (quite the humorous sight, considering most of them had large beards and it looked like the hair was growling at me) and stepped towards me, brandishing all manners of weaponry.

A chain.
A baseball bat.
A lead pipe.
A pretzel.
I frowned. A pretzel?

I took a look at its wielder, who was chuckling, embarrassed.
“…Jimmy?” I muttered, bemused.
“What?” the lead biker, who looked pretty much the same as all the rest of them, only with a nose that reminded me of a red blimp, “You told us your name was Jagger!”
“Yeah…” Jimmy said with a gulp, “Well, perhaps I wasn’t completely honest about that…”
“And another thing!” the biker continued, and marched over to a bike much smaller than the others, “I’m quite suspicious about your hog!” He reached down, and yanked off the license plate. Without the clever disguise, I could now tell that it was just a tricycle. “A-ha!” he roared.
“Oh yeah, about that, Miguel, I’ve been meaning to get that fixed…” Jimmy gulped, “And made bigger… and less pink…” There was a delightful ‘ding ding’ sound as Miguel squeezed the tricycle’s bell. Jimmy slapped his forehead in humiliation, “And fix my horn, too.”
“You little lying freak!” roared one of the bikers, an aging fatso with a thick white beard.
“I am not a lying freak, you St. Nick wannabe!” I shot back, then noticed that now all eyes were back on me. “Oh, wait… You weren’t talking to me, were you? Uh, sorry Santa…” I squeaked, and backed up into Jimmy.
“What are we gonna do, Morty?” he whimpered.
“I know just what to say!” I said confidently, and stomped towards the bikers.
I put a furious look on my face, and then flipped around to face Jimmy. “My name is Anthony you dimwit!” I bellowed, “Not Morty, ANTHONYYYYYYYYYY!!”
Miguel threw his hand up and signalled for the rest of his crew to get us. Or perhaps he was signalling it was time for a rap battle. All the same, his men advanced.
“Aww Hölle…” I gulped, “Alright then, I’ll face you clowns in a Pokémon battle!”
Miguel scoffed. “Pokémon are for wimps!” He pointed up at the helmet sitting atop his head, “And not wearing a helmet is for wimps, too.”
“I’m not a fool, my helmet is cool.” Another biker chimed in helpfully.

I reached into my ever-helpful pocket and pulled out a Pokéball.
Oh what? It’s empty! …Better not let them know, maybe I could just pretend it’s an invisible Pokémon…
“See how wimpy THIS is!” I roared, flinging the ball at them as fast as I could. They jumped out of its path, and the ball crashed right into one of the bikes. It was thrown off balance and tipped towards the next bike, which was also knocked over into the next bike. I picked up the ball as the bikes fell like dominoes, leaving large dents in the frames and knocking every single rear-view mirror off.
“Apparently, not very wimpy at all!” I gulped, as Jimmy and I ran as fast as we could.
“Come on, guys!” Miguel commanded his cronies, “Get on your bikes!”
“No way, no how!” one of them gulped.
“It’s dangerous to drive without rear-view mirrors, man!” said another.
Miguel groaned, annoyed. “Fine then, we’ll get them on-foot! Just act like we’re still on bikes!” A glance over my shoulder revealed they were running after us, some of them shouting ‘vroom-vroom’ for extra effect.
“We’ll never outrun them when they’re on motorbikes!” I cried, screeching to a halt. I sighed briefly, and then shrugged, “I never really liked being alive all that much anyway.”
With weapons raised to strike us down or smite us or what have you, the bikers were mere steps away. One of them glanced at the watch on his raised wrist, and screamed loudly. “WAIT!”
Oddly enough, the others complied to hear what he had to say. “It’s 9:58! We gotta get home!” They dropped their weapons to the ground and ran for their lives.
“Bedtime?” Jimmy suggested. I took a look around. It was incredibly barren, nobody was outside anywhere. Even Kurabusu City in the near distance looked empty.
“Everyone’s bedtime?” Jimmy muttered with a shrug.
“Well, I don’t know why they took off, but I see it as an advantage.” I sighed, “We can always die some other day.”
“Agreed.” Jimmy said, nodding, “Sounds clever, and slightly James Bond title-esque.”

I went to lift my foot, but it wasn’t budging. Nor was my mouth to express my confusion. In fact, neither Jimmy nor I could move a muscle. I felt the really appropriate urge to scream when the sun lifted from above the mountains and began to orbit in our direction. As it drew closer, I could see that it wasn’t the sun at all, rather a great metallic disc emitting an eerie light.
I had no time to question this disc nor accuse it of being a sun impostor, likely a very serious crime in Furudo, as the two of us were enveloped in a blue beam that shot forth from the disc, slowly plucking us from the ground. Either this was a flying saucer, or a very large magnetic Frisbee. Within seconds we were sucked in, and the floor shut beneath us, blotting out whatever light it had produced on the outside.
“Oh lawdy!” I said with a grimace, stumbling about in the darkness, “This is potentially rather bad!”
“Just find something that’ll get us out of here.” Jimmy said in a shaky tone, and I began to feel about. My hands fell upon a panel, and from it I pulled a little device on a cord.
“Oh!” I exclaimed, “An intercom! I’ll send an SOS signal out into space…” I cleared my throat, “We need your help, Star Fox! Andross has declared war. He has invaded the Lylat system, and is trying-”

A door opened, and two lithe figures entered the room. They appeared human, but straining better to see, I noticed a slightly less human quality. They were both completely red, from head to toe.
“Red?” I muttered, and frowned, “I thought Martians were supposed to be green, and short… I’m quite disappointed.”
“Silence, Earth scum!” one of them snapped, “And put down that electric razor!” I sheepishly dropped the device to the floor as she continued, “You should consider yourselves quite lucky! Xeneli and I have chosen you to be our husbands!”
“Though I’m still rather sceptical,” the other mused, her red finger pressed against her lips, “Our father wouldn’t approve of it, Reneta. Two esteemed Boice heiresses marrying two lower beings?”
“But,” the first replied, “what if we made our father THINK they were Boices!”
“Excuse me.” I cut in, “My friend and I have no intention of sticking around. So y’all would be best off letting us off your little ship, and planting us right back where we belong.” I pointed towards the electric razor menacingly, “Besides, if that razor thinks it’s an intercom too, then Star Fox are on their way!”
The one apparently named Reneta pointed a finger at me and shot a bolt of electricity that sent me to the floor, feeling all twitchy and tingly.
Jimmy gulped as he cautiously approached them. “We’ll pay you not to probe us!” he offered, and shot his hand into his pocket “I’ve got 5 cents and a bottle cap!”
“Oh you’re lovely.” Xeneli said with a giggle, “It’s just such a shame our father would never let us get married to filthy toe jam like you.”
“Well,” I muttered, shooting up to my feet and resuming my search for an exit, “That’s just too bad. We’ll remember the love we had, though. Honest. We’ll listen to sad songs, play crying games, write letters, send e-mails and hope for the best. There’s only so much toe jam can do, you know.”
Reneta cut me off with another electric zap, “Fortunately, I have a plan to fool our beloved father…” She whispered into Xeneli’s ear. She began to laugh with giddiness.
“That’s gotta work!” she chuckled, and winked at Jimmy.
“Well Jimmy, you sly devil.” I cackled from the floor, “Looks like you’ve got an admirer!”
“I’ll take the ugly one.” Reneta said, smiling. She yanked me to my feet, and they lead us through a dimly lit corridor.
“We’re gonna have to play along for a while,” I whispered to a horrified Jimmy, “Unless you wanna get probed or something to that effect.

The alien duo shoved us into a large, white cubicle with a round, metallic thingy jutting out above us. I could only wonder what horrible things would happen.
With a flourish, Reneta twisted a knob. Bright red splotches of paint rained atop us.
“Agg!” Jimmy snapped, “Nasty!”
Reneta twisted the knob the other way, and shoved us out. “They’re ready.” She pushed us towards a mirror, and we were rather unconvincingly now reddish. We looked more like we had fallen into a vat of ketchup than like Boices.
“Is it just me, or is everyone in the world incredibly stupid?” I groaned. Ignoring this, they lead us into a great big room with a fat red bloke sitting atop a massive chair. He looked sort of like Bacchus with a sunburn. Next to him sat an angry frowning rock.
“What’s all this about?” he roared, his entire body beginning to shake.
“Father…” Reneta said slowly, “We request to marry these two wonderful Boices!”
“Wha-whaaat?” he bellowed and sat up straight, “But what makes them worthy?”
“Well, they’re quite… charming!!” Reneta snapped, looking at me sharply. Her father leant forward, awaiting some convincing.
“Alright then Mr…” I gulped,
“Donolo.” He finished.
“Rightio Donny!” I grinned, “Be prepared to be amazed!”
A spotlight appeared on me, and I was now rather conveniently wearing a hat and a white glove. I grabbed my crotch, and began to moonwalk about the room, belting out a song. “Billie Jean is not my lover! She’s just a girl, who I met in the night. Turns out she’s just a transvestiiiiiiiiiiiiite!”
“Stop, stop, stop!” Donolo roared, “That’s horrible! I refuse to let you marry these fools!”
He set his gaze on Jimmy, who was kneeling in the corner with the rock. He poked it, and it wrapped its hand around his arm.
“Sweet!” he gasped.
The rock paused for a moment. “…Duuuuuude.” It responded.
“Sweeeeeet!” Jimmy repeated, leaning forward.
The rock looked interested. “Duuuuuude!” It said louder.
“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!” Jimmy cried.
The rock jumped up and down, “Duuuuuuuuuuuuude!!” it shouted.
“Sweeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Duuuuuuuuuude!”
“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!”
“SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!”
“DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!”
Donolo clapped his hands madly. “I don’t believe it!” he gasped, “I haven’t seen Geodude that excited since he was but a mere pebble!” He turned back to Reneta and Xeneli. “Of course you can marry these fine lads!” He shot a piercing glare at me, “Just as long as HE doesn’t sing anymore of my brother’s songs!!”
********************************
Jimmy and I sat in a prison room, decked out in spiffy looking red suits. I was still wearing the glove and the hat, simply because I had no idea where the hell I had gotten them from and hoped I could randomly produce more articles of clothing on a whim.
“Well,” I sighed, “We’ve failed. We’re about to get married to the red folks, my MJ impersonation isn’t quite what it used to be, and Leaves is probably going to take my wallet.” I snatched it out of my pocket, “Well, we won’t let him do that!” Jimmy watched on in disgust as I swallowed the wallet. “There.” I said satisfied, and coughed out a coin.

The chairs we were sitting on suddenly began walking on their own, running through the wall and tearing down a couple corridors. They took us into a giant red chapel and kicked us toward the altar. Donolo stretched lazily, taking his place. Seems he would be the one marrying us. I brushed myself off and looked over at Reneta, looking pretty hot in her wedding dress of a colour I need not specify.
Donolo cut right to the chase. “Do you, Reneta and Xeneli Jackson, take Luther Nibelheim and Captain Regis Studmuffin…” Jimmy and I giggled at the names we had provided, “To be your lawfully wedded husbands?”
“I do.” They replied in unison.
I leant over towards Jimmy. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan to get us out of this.”
“Do you, Bradimir Mushroom Kingdom and Myles FakeName…” we giggled again at our genius for writing down two sets of names, “Take Reneta and Xeneli Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wives?”
“They do.” The Boices answered in our place.
“Plan screwed.” I whispered in indignation.
“You may now tan the hide!” Donolo said warmly.
Reneta and Xeneli promptly slapped us across the faces.
“Ah, so that’s how it works.” I muttered, rubbing my cheek sorely. Taking part in the festivities, I slapped Xeneli on the ass, and she responded with a shock of electricity.
“Sorry, wrong wife.” I said sheepishly. I gave Reneta a smack on the rear, and her reaction was to simply punch me in the face.
“I now pronounce you husbands and wives.” Donolo said with a smile.
Reneta lifted me onto her shoulder, and giddily pranced down the aisle. Various aliens onboard cheered us on.
“Congratulations!” a hairy twenty-armed beast shouted.
“Hooray!” cheered a translucent blob.
“It’s so beautiful.” Whimpered Michael Jackson, who was literally going to pieces. Reneta scooped his nose up off the floor, and threw it over her shoulder, where a group of guests all leapt to catch it.

She carried me into a sensually lit room, and tossed me onto a waterbed, locking the door behind her. She leapt onto the bed her self and looked at me hungrily. A bit too hungrily, actually.
“Uhh…” I squeaked, “Now what?”
“Why,” she replied, “It’s time for the customary eating of the husband, of course.” I gasped, and rolled away onto the floor.
“Oh don’t worry…” she said in a soft tone, “Within a week you get regurgitated. Most of the time the husband survives…”
“Aww Hölle…” I muttered, “Umm… uhh… I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!” I suddenly blurted. She piffed the keys at me.
“Don’t be long.” She cooed, “I don’t want a late dinner.” I slammed the door shut behind me, and peered around. Jimmy was creeping through the corridor, and I ran towards him, relieved.
“How’d you get out?” I said with a gasp.
“I told her I’m more easily eaten with a glass of water.” He replied, “But look, I’ve been snooping around, and I’ve got good news. This saucer’s been set on hover the whole time; we’re still in the same place!”
“Brilliant.” I muttered, wiping the red paint from my face, “But we’re still like fifty feet in the air, how are we going to get back down?”
“HUMANS!” a voice bellowed. I turned to see an alien pointing what was either a finger or something bolder at us. Donolo and other wedding-goers were quick to arrive.
“Plan on dying?” Jimmy said with a gulp.
“For the last time, no!” I snapped, and ran towards a window.
“Break it!” Jimmy screamed.
“But I don’t want to break a nail…” I whined, as I reached into my coat. I grabbed hold of my tail, and it squirmed about in my grasp, hesitant to help me out.
“Tail don’t fail me now!” I whimpered. I swung it above my head and then hit the window at top-speed. It shattered into pieces and we leapt out.
“Hey, since when have you had a tail…” Jimmy queried curiously.
“Uh, little while. Can’t remember when, exactly.” I answered, scratching my head.
Of course, there was the little matter of the impending ground we were soon to connect with.
“Ohhhh…” I squealed, “This won’t be fun!!”

Back down below, the bikers had gone back to patrolling.
“Maybe the aliens got them.” a comparatively little biker suggested.
Miguel pondered for a moment, before pulling out a shotgun and blowing him away.
“I don’t think so.” He announced, as he scanned the area.
“Hey, what’s that in the sky?” he muttered, pointing up towards two tiny dots that appeared to be getting closer.
Quite obviously, those dots were Jimmy and I, who, screaming loudly, must have been rather interesting to watch. So interesting in fact, that the bikers hadn’t thought to move from underneath us. We landed right on top of them, breaking our falls, and most likely some backs. They gathered themselves up and glared at us, miffed and quite rightly so. Miguel grabbed me by the shirt, and lifted me right up towards him. Only then did he noticed the red paint soaking my clothes.
“Oh god!” he squealed, “They’re bleeding!” He took off squealing like a schoolgirl, leaving the rest of the bikers to stand there, dumbfounded.
“Uh…” one of them muttered, “We’ll be leaving now…” They shuffled off, defeated.
“Wow!” I grinned, “We beat ‘em!” I took a proud step forward, and slipped up in the paint. “And beat my head, too!”
“Tony…” Jimmy began.
“Yes?” I muttered, looking up at him.
“You’re quite stupid.” He muttered, walking back towards the ‘nome Dome.
“…Thank you.” I said quietly.

[Sike Saner]

Fwee for alien abductions. And the MJ-factor in that chapter was awesome. XD Tony randomly breaking into an MJ impression... Michael being revealed to be Donolo's brother... Michael as a guest at the wedding with his nose falling off and being tossed to the crowd (lol, does whoever caught it get to be his next plastic surgeon? XP)... amusing stuff, indeed. XD

Those bikers were pretty frelling funny, too. Especially great was when they were running after Tony and Jimmy while making motorcycle noises. XD

Now, here comes the Quote Dumptruck to dump quotes on you!

Highlights

“One, two, three, four, five…” I counted, and then paused, unconvinced. “No, that can’t be right. One, two… three, four, five.” A frown crossed my face. “Two, four… FIVE!” I furrowed my brow, frustrated, “ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE!” I shot up from my seat in fury, rousing Leaves from his sleep, “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!”
My Bulb-is-sore comrade blinked a couple times, looking up at me in shock. “Uh, sorry.” I muttered, “Thought I’d grown an extra finger.”

“You know, I think it’s about time I got a new Pokémon. I haven’t caught one in like, seven chapters…” A look of confusion from Leaves which I quickly brushed off. “Never mind.

“I see something!” I hissed, and slowly inched towards it. “Careful… careful…” I was right in front of it now, and my tail was wagging anxiously. “NOW!” I cried, and landed on it like a sumo wrestler tripping over a hurdle. I grabbed hold of it as it squirmed and thrashed about.
“I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” I yelled.
“Saaaaaaur!!!” It snarled.
“It’s a Saur!” I exclaimed, excitedly.
It slipped free from my grasp and ran towards the light of the doorway. I was a tad confused as it became clear.
“Leaves?” I muttered, “…Since when have you been a wild Pokémon?”

I sighed, and walked towards the door. I turned the handle, then walked in… to the door.
“Hey!” I whined, “You’re supposed to be open!” I shook my fist. “Don’t defy me!!”

“Alright then, locked out, whatever!” I whined, pounding my fists against the door. Still, it wouldn’t open. I thought perhaps I could tempt it with a chocolate bar, but decided otherwise. I’m not one to bribe a door.

I wandered around the side of the building in the hopes that an alternative entrance would present itself, when light spilled all across the ground. Bemused, I peered back up towards the sun. It had just come out from behind a mess of clouds. It spilled over the area, and almost seemed like pure daylight again.
“Oh, grand!” I cheered, “It’s that night sun I hear so much about.” I pondered for a moment, pacing back and forth. “Wait, that’s not right. Must be a fake then? Some sort of mirage sun?” I peered up ahead, taking note of a bike, “So then, that must be a mirage bike!”
I barrelled into the supposedly fake bike at full speed, only to tumble over, and clutched my ankle in pain.
“Oww… Mirage sprain!” I wailed.

“You stupid thing!” I roared, and kicked it furiously. “Nobody trips me up, except me!” I stuck one foot in front of the other and tripped again. I coughed up a cloud of dirt. “See?”

I got to my feet, brushed myself off and looked around. There were actually a lot of bikes. Upon closer inspection, they were actually motorbikes, including the one I had mangled. I gulped, and, despite urges not to, looked over my shoulder. Standing there was a large group of burly, tattooed men.
“Oh now come on!” I cried, “Like you’d just stand there and watch me kick the crap out of your bike! No waaaaaay!”
They snarled (quite the humorous sight, considering most of them had large beards and it looked like the hair was growling at me) and stepped towards me, brandishing all manners of weaponry.

A chain.
A baseball bat.
A lead pipe.
A pretzel.
I frowned. A pretzel?

I took a look at its wielder, who was chuckling, embarrassed.

“And another thing!” the biker continued, and marched over to a bike much smaller than the others, “I’m quite suspicious about your hog!” He reached down, and yanked off the license plate. Without the clever disguise, I could now tell that it was just a tricycle. “A-ha!” he roared.
“Oh yeah, about that, Miguel, I’ve been meaning to get that fixed…” Jimmy gulped, “And made bigger… and less pink…” There was a delightful ‘ding ding’ sound as Miguel squeezed the tricycle’s bell. Jimmy slapped his forehead in humiliation, “And fix my horn, too.”

“You little lying freak!” roared one of the bikers, an aging fatso with a thick white beard.
“I am not a lying freak, you St. Nick wannabe!” I shot back, then noticed that now all eyes were back on me. “Oh, wait… You weren’t talking to me, were you? Uh, sorry Santa…” I squeaked, and backed up into Jimmy.

“What are we gonna do, Morty?” he whimpered.
“I know just what to say!” I said confidently, and stomped towards the bikers.
I put a furious look on my face, and then flipped around to face Jimmy. “My name is Anthony you dimwit!” I bellowed, “Not Morty, ANTHONYYYYYYYYYY!!”

Miguel scoffed. “Pokémon are for wimps!” He pointed up at the helmet sitting atop his head, “And not wearing a helmet is for wimps, too.”
“I’m not a fool, my helmet is cool.” Another biker chimed in helpfully.

I reached into my ever-helpful pocket and pulled out a Pokéball.
Oh what? It’s empty! …Better not let them know, maybe I could just pretend it’s an invisible Pokémon…

“See how wimpy THIS is!” I roared, flinging the ball at them as fast as I could. They jumped out of its path, and the ball crashed right into one of the bikes. It was thrown off balance and tipped towards the next bike, which was also knocked over into the next bike. I picked up the ball as the bikes fell like dominoes, leaving large dents in the frames and knocking every single rear-view mirror off.
“Apparently, not very wimpy at all!” I gulped, as Jimmy and I ran as fast as we could.

“Come on, guys!” Miguel commanded his cronies, “Get on your bikes!”
“No way, no how!” one of them gulped.
“It’s dangerous to drive without rear-view mirrors, man!” said another.
Miguel groaned, annoyed. “Fine then, we’ll get them on-foot! Just act like we’re still on bikes!” A glance over my shoulder revealed they were running after us, some of them shouting ‘vroom-vroom’ for extra effect.
“We’ll never outrun them when they’re on motorbikes!” I cried, screeching to a halt.

Either this was a flying saucer, or a very large magnetic Frisbee.

“This is potentially rather bad!”

My hands fell upon a panel, and from it I pulled a little device on a cord.
“Oh!” I exclaimed, “An intercom! I’ll send an SOS signal out into space…” I cleared my throat, “We need your help, Star Fox! Andross has declared war. He has invaded the Lylat system, and is trying-”

I pointed towards the electric razor menacingly, “Besides, if that razor thinks it’s an intercom too, then Star Fox are on their way!”

Jimmy gulped as he cautiously approached them. “We’ll pay you not to probe us!” he offered, and shot his hand into his pocket “I’ve got 5 cents and a bottle cap!”

“Oh you’re lovely.” Xeneli said with a giggle, “It’s just such a shame our father would never let us get married to filthy toe jam like you.”
“Well,” I muttered, shooting up to my feet and resuming my search for an exit, “That’s just too bad. We’ll remember the love we had, though. Honest. We’ll listen to sad songs, play crying games, write letters, send e-mails and hope for the best. There’s only so much toe jam can do, you know.”

“Rightio Donny!” I grinned, “Be prepared to be amazed!”
A spotlight appeared on me, and I was now rather conveniently wearing a hat and a white glove. I grabbed my crotch, and began to moonwalk about the room, belting out a song. “Billie Jean is not my lover! She’s just a girl, who I met in the night. Turns out she’s just a transvestiiiiiiiiiiiiite!”

He set his gaze on Jimmy, who was kneeling in the corner with the rock. He poked it, and it wrapped its hand around his arm.
“Sweet!” he gasped.
The rock paused for a moment. “…Duuuuuude.” It responded.
“Sweeeeeet!” Jimmy repeated, leaning forward.
The rock looked interested. “Duuuuuude!” It said louder.
“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!” Jimmy cried.
The rock jumped up and down, “Duuuuuuuuuuuuude!!” it shouted.
“Sweeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Duuuuuuuuuude!”
“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!”
“SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!”
“DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!”

Donolo clapped his hands madly. “I don’t believe it!” he gasped, “I haven’t seen Geodude that excited since he was but a mere pebble!” He turned back to Reneta and Xeneli. “Of course you can marry these fine lads!” He shot a piercing glare at me, “Just as long as HE doesn’t sing anymore of my brother’s songs!!”

Jimmy and I sat in a prison room, decked out in spiffy looking red suits. I was still wearing the glove and the hat, simply because I had no idea where the hell I had gotten them from and hoped I could randomly produce more articles of clothing on a whim.

Donolo cut right to the chase. “Do you, Reneta and Xeneli Jackson, take Luther Nibelheim and Captain Regis Studmuffin…” Jimmy and I giggled at the names we had provided

“Do you, Bradimir Mushroom Kingdom and Myles FakeName…” we giggled again at our genius for writing down two sets of names, “Take Reneta and Xeneli Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wives?”

“You may now tan the hide!” Donolo said warmly.
Reneta and Xeneli promptly slapped us across the faces.
“Ah, so that’s how it works.” I muttered, rubbing my cheek sorely. Taking part in the festivities, I slapped Xeneli on the ass, and she responded with a shock of electricity.
“Sorry, wrong wife.” I said sheepishly. I gave Reneta a smack on the rear, and her reaction was to simply punch me in the face.

Various aliens onboard cheered us on.
“Congratulations!” a hairy twenty-armed beast shouted.
“Hooray!” cheered a translucent blob.
“It’s so beautiful.” Whimpered Michael Jackson, who was literally going to pieces. Reneta scooped his nose up off the floor, and threw it over her shoulder, where a group of guests all leapt to catch it.

“HUMANS!” a voice bellowed. I turned to see an alien pointing what was either a finger or something bolder at us.

Quite obviously, those dots were Jimmy and I, who, screaming loudly, must have been rather interesting to watch. So interesting in fact, that the bikers hadn’t thought to move from underneath us. We landed right on top of them, breaking our falls, and most likely some backs. They gathered themselves up and glared at us, miffed and quite rightly so. Miguel grabbed me by the shirt, and lifted me right up towards him. Only then did he noticed the red paint soaking my clothes.
“Oh god!” he squealed, “They’re bleeding!” He took off squealing like a schoolgirl, leaving the rest of the bikers to stand there, dumbfounded.

“Wow!” I grinned, “We beat ‘em!” I took a proud step forward, and slipped up in the paint. “And beat my head, too!”

“Tony…” Jimmy began.
“Yes?” I muttered, looking up at him.
“You’re quite stupid.” He muttered, walking back towards the ‘nome Dome.
“…Thank you.” I said quietly.

Great stuff as always--I'm glad I managed to find time during these busy days to read the latest chapter. ^^

[Crystalmaster Mike]

--'' As if he wasn't crazy enough before... Now he has alien in-laws!

There seems to have happened an abundance of randomness again... Why did Jimmy want to join the Biker Gang, with a tricycle, no less? And what was the Geodude doing on board the UFO? Is it part of some secret take-over-the-world conspiracy?

You've done a great job once more continuing the Thrill. Have some happy holidays!

[Drago]

Sike Saner: I think Michael Jackson has a great chance at becoming a prominent character in this story, don't you? In any story, in fact.
Crystalmaster Mike: Geodude conspiracies, you say?? Seriously, say it out loud. It's fun to say! Makes me want to dub the next installment Minty Thrill: The Geodude Conspiracies!

So after a fairly good spurt of frequent updates, I've returned to the ... wait, I mean the quagmire of monthly chapters. 'coz I suck like that. But hey, I'm back! And thanks to my Gav and my Sike *huggles* (do kids still do huggles?) I've breached the '07 Silver Pencils. I usually do kinda ok, but in all my history I've never actually won anything in these consarn pencil/pen thingies! So I say to you now, "Hey Beardo, vote QUIMBY."

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Hutt, a.k.a. Chapter the Twenty-First
Klepone the Bone Bird

I made an almighty step forward, a prepared, confident look on my face. There was no stopping me now, son. I looked down at Leaves, who looked back at me and nodded. I turned my gaze back ahead of me, and took a deep, steady breath.
“Well, here it is…” I whispered quietly, “Of all the hardships… of all the struggles, I was always sure that we could never avoid this. Leaves, now is the time… the time to do it.” I eyed the large wooden door wearily.
“Well here it is.” I repeated, a little shakily, “The time has come… The final countdown. There’s danger on the track, but I’ll need a heart of stone if I ever wanna rock the night.” Suddenly I snapped like a twig. “I can’t do it!!!!!” I bellowed, galloping down the hall like a donkey that had just been taken out of a blender.
“Saaaaaaaur!” Leaves scampered behind me, frustrated.
“No!” I whined, “I don’t care if it’s for the good of being a trainer… I AM NOT GETTING THAT NEEDLE!!”
Leaves groaned, and flopped onto the floor. Being that the tournament was almost over, the ‘nome Dome was required to test the blood of the competitors and their Pokémon for various performance-enhancing drugs. Well, either that, or they just needed some blood for a vampire feast. Whichever worked.

“I’ll only do it…” I said in a firm tone, waggling my finger as I rocked back and forth on the floor, “If I’m told to do so by Captain Kirk…”
“…Saur…” Leaves nodded.
“Mr. Bean…” I continued.
“…Bulba…” he said, looking over his shoulder.
I pondered for a moment. “And Barf the mog!” I shouted.
“Buuuuuuuulb!” Leaves groaned, and collapsed.
“So close!” William Shatner whimpered as he walked past.
“Typical of this bloody twit to request the encouragement of a corpse…” Rowan Atkinson spat from behind him.
“So all in all, I ain’t doing it!” I sneered triumphantly, “It would take the most brilliant of methods to shatter THESE nerves of steel!”
Leaves tilted his head slightly, and stared at me.
“Yup…” I grumbled, “Nerves of steel…”
Leaves continued to stare.
I cleared my throat, and looked around the room.
Leaves continued to stare.
I whistled, twiddled my thumbs, and scratched the back of my head.
Leaves continued to stare.
“Alright!” I snapped, and walked towards the doorway, “So maybe they were nerves of aluminium…”

I took one big breath, and threw the door open. “Stab me now, Herr schlechter Doktor Mann!!” I bellowed, in terms that sounded all too kinky. I had no clue what I had said, but I wager somehow I referred to him as a ‘gentleman man’.
“So… what’s up, doc?” I said with a smirk, pulling out a carrot and taking a bite. At further observation, the carrot actually turned out to be the outstretched leg of a hapless Ariados that happened to be standing there, but I wasn’t fazed. Still tasted pretty damn good.
“Oh yes! Yes! …Yes!” a weak, shrew-like voice responded. My head whipped about the room in search of the doctor, before my eyes finally fell upon a short, bald man. He looked to be at least fifty and was flashing a toothy grin at me. Well, toothless trying to be toothy, actually. I oftentimes pondered how it was people like this became doctors.
“I’m sort of, like, here for my needle, Doctor…” I paused, as I couldn’t for the life of me find his nametag, nor any certificates on the walls brandishing his identity. His office walls were adorned only with posters of Rastafarian thespians.
“Shlocter.” He offered, smiling as though he found pleasure in his own name.
“Ah, nice to meet you Doc.” I said quietly.
“More than nice, I should think!” he rumbled, “I’m a hero, you know!”
“A superhero, perchance?” I muttered. In response, he quickly slapped me across the face.
“No you foolish child, a war hero!” he said sharply, “And don’t you forget it!”
I rubbed my cheek, annoyed. “I see. And which war would this be?”
He paused for a moment, before leaning in close, eyes widened. “ALL OF THEM!”
“I see…” I said with a frown, “Rather than continue this conversation or something similarly painful, could I get my needle now?”
He struck me across the face again. “Yeah, sure.” He muttered, stood there for a moment and then slapped me once again.
“What was that one for?” I snapped.
“To make sure I didn’t miss the first time.” He said simply, walking over to a counter. “Alright then, boy.” He said slowly, hunched over, “Tell me, what comes before four?”
I was a tad bemused. “Three?”
“Two, one!” he screeched, spinning around and swooping across the room with an oversized needle appropriate for elephants or politicians. With an almighty thrust, he sinked the needle in.
“Ahahahahaaaa!” he cackled, twisting the medical implement about, “How do you like that, kid?”
“I don’t like it very much.” I yawned, “But I’m sure the table likes it even less. You missed.”
“Oh damn.” He muttered, “Well, when at first you don’t succeed… I’ll just aim for a bigger target.”
Before I could question this theory, he crammed the needle into my mouth. Tears welled up in my eyes as I bit down to avoid it actually piercing anything, before he finally pressed down the plunger.
“Huh.” I muttered, licking around my mouth, “Didn’t feel much. What was that?”
“A little formula called O2!” he said with a wicked cackle as I left the room.
“Bulba?” Leaves said as he got up, and walked up to me.
“Went fine.” I said with a smile, “Got this doctor who reeeeeeeeaally seemed to know what he was doing.”
Then, as if on cue, two burly men burst out from the office, carrying a rambling Doctor Shlocter with them. If nothing else, I was bemused as to when the hell they actually got in there.
“How was your needle, boy?” the Doc cackled as he was dragged off, “V-airy good?” His maniacal laughter ringed through the hall as he was taken around the corner.
“Bye Doc!” I shouted with a wave.

‘Anthony Chambers, your match is in five minutes, Anthony Chambers, report to the central arena NOW.’ The loud unfriendly voice who I have named Jacques declared over the speakers.
“Is that all you’ve got?” I snapped, “Come on, gimme something new!”
As though responding to my challenge, a funky tune began to ring out and Jacques declared that ‘This beat is, this beat is, this beat is TECHNOTRONIC.’
I knew when I was beat. I was just going to have to fight.
“Alrighty then!” I said with a Machiavellian-like confidence (what is a Machiavelli anyhow? I just assume they’re confident…). I span Cubone’s Pokéball on my index finger and grinned to myself, “Let’s fly!” At that most cliché of moments, the ball swerved off balance and shot off of my finger at an alarming pace, crashing through a nearby window.
“Oh jeez Cueball, you don’t have to take things so literally!” I gulped as I ran outside. I nervously brushed off the broken glass and picked up the dented ball. I let Cubone out, who held his head dizzily.
“How are we, Cueball?” I asked nervously.
“Boooooone…” he moaned, before collapsing unconscious into the dirt.
“We are indeed boned.” I sighed, shaking my head and then kicking the nearest thing in frustration. Fortunately, it wasn’t Cubone that I kicked, but unfortunately, it was a rock that flew directly into his prone body.
I returned him to the (apparent lack of) safety within his Pokéball, and looked down at Leaves. “What’re we gonna do?”
“Uhh…” I whimpered, “Leaves, what’re we gonna do?”
“Saur!” Leaves shouted hopefully.
“We can’t win with a sword!” I snapped, and felt around my pocket. I slowly pulled out a new ball, and dropped it to the ground.
“Atttttuuuuuuuu!” Klepto tweeted excitedly as he was released. He flew about confidently, looking ready for action.
“Hey, Leaves…” I said slowly, a grin spreading across my face, “What’s Klepper’s win/loss record?” Leaves lifted both claws; one in a fist, the other with one digit sticking up.
“You’re declaring he’s won one and lost one!” I concluded. Leaves shook his head. “Oh? Well then I suppose you’re… oh screw you, Leaves.”
I felt undeterred by his gesture, and went about my devious plan. First, I rolled Klepto in the mud until he was completely smothered in dirt. Afterwards, I pulled out the ever-useful Weedle horn and lodged it atop Klepto’s head. Now he was brown and white. Just like a Cubone! …Or a mudcake. Whichever was more likely to win this battle.
“Now then, we need to give him a secret name, so that Klepto won’t completely forget who he is and go through some description of identity crisis. Bipolar birds, nutty Natus, flights over cuckoo’s nests, all that jazz.” I bit my nail for a pensive moment, “Klepto… Cubone… Klepto… Cubone… I shall call him Klepone!!”
Leaves rolled his eyes as I returned Klepone (wink wink) to his ball.

“Let’s get rattlin’ and battlin’ then!” I mused proudly as I went back inside. On my way in, I bumped into Jimmy.
“What’re you doing here?” I queried warily.
“I really don’t know… Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing anywhere in this big scary world…” he sighed, his voice trailing off until it was but a feint whisper.
“You came to watch my battle, perhaps?” I offered.
“Well obviously.” Jimmy muttered, “Do I seem like the kind of person who has a life?”
I shrugged as we walked into the darkened arena.
“Hello?” I cried, “Where is everyone?” The lights shot on in a flash, blinding me and making an annoying buzzing sound for some unknown reason.
“And so the next match in the semifinals is about to begin…” a voice boomed from nowhere. This dome seemed obsessed with booming voices. I shall name this booming voice Mr. Esiason. “Who will continue to the last match? And who will be conquered in a shameful defeat that will send them spiralling down the long path to failure?”
“Tony!” Jimmy replied, as though it was a genuine question.
“In this corner,” Mr. Esiason said in a low drawl, “Terrible Tony!”
“Woo-hoo!” I cheered, “I’m terrible!” I paused for a moment, “Hang on, does he mean that in a good way?”
“And in this corner…” Mr. Esiason continued, “The heir apparent to the ‘nome Dome’s grand legacy, Chase Ginnit!” A girl sprang into view, giving me a cocky glare as though I was supposed to be shocked.
“Chase who?” Jimmy muttered.
“Beats me.” I replied with a shrug.
“What?” she snapped, “I’m the one you made the deal with, bonehead!!”
“Oh yeah, you.” I said, smiling pleasantly. I walked up and shook her hand as she gave me a bemused look, “Hi, how you doing.”

I lifted the ball up above my head and took another shot at spinning it on my finger.
“Goooooo…” the ball promptly slipped, hitting me in the head. “oowwwwww…” I caught it, rubbed my noggin for a moment, and flicked it to the floor.
“Go CUBONE who is a CUBONE and not a NATU in DISGUISE!!” I shouted, winking madly with each syllable.
Out popped Klepone… but to my horror, the Cubone disguise was completely gone. He was just plain old green, disguise-less Klepto.
A sweatdrop appeared on everyone’s forehead. Especially Klepone, who was sweating bullets.
“Umm…” I gulped, “Cubone, use Metronome!” I let out a gasp, “He used Transform!” Another gasp, “Cubone transformed into Natu!” I frowned furiously at Klepone, “DIDN’T HE??”
“Natuuuu…” Klepone cooed nervously.
“Whatever.” Chase scoffed, “That’ll just make things easier for Ricardo!!”
The Ricardo shot out of the Pokéball. It was big, grey and lumpy. Like porridge, only called Ricardo.
“Ricardo?” I said with a frown, “What’s a Ricardo?”
Ricardo is… a nickname for… this Golem… you… idiot.
“That’s it!” I growled, “I’m taking away your personality!”
I flicked a switch, and the ‘dex beeped loudly.
Ricardo is… a nickname for… this Golem… you… feeble-minded person.
“That’s better.” I said triumphantly.

“Ricardo!” Chase commanded, “Start things with a quick Metronome!”
Ricardo waved his fingers, before closing his rocky fist, then throwing a shower of coins at Klepone. Klepone cowered under his wing.
“You fiend!” I shouted, as Jimmy and Leaves began snatching up the coins.
“Klepone!” I roared, before realising that that was a secret name, “Uh, I mean Cubone… aww to hell with it, Klepone as I shall now call you due to legal complications, use Metronome! *cough*Psychic*cough*”
Klepone pretended to wave his wings in some description of Metronome mime, and then shot a mental blast at the large rock.
“Ricardo!” Chase shouted, “Metronome now!”
Ricardo waggled his fingers madly, before a glass wall with a brilliant blue shine appeared in front of him, blocking off the attack and sending it back at Klepone. Unable to evade it, Klepone cawed in pain as it hit him directly.
“Oh a wise guy, huh?” I shouted, “Klepone, do it again!” Klepone launched off a second Psychic blast, only to have it returned once more. It flew into Klepone at a fierce speed.
“Uhh…” I muttered, “Third time’s a charm! Try it again!”
Annoyed, Klepone launched the Psychic wave. It again bounced off, but Klepone tried something new by flying out of its range.
“Well done, Klepone!” I cried, “Well done!!” I smiled… until I realised that the blast was now heading towards me.
“Aww Hölle…” I groaned. The force sent Leaves, Jimmy and I crashing into the wall.
“What a rush!” Jimmy guffawed, his pupils dilated and his jaw clenched tightly. He wouldn’t be getting to sleep tonight.
“Agg…” I groaned, rubbing my temples in vexation, “Klepone… use your imagination would you?”
“Now’s your chance Ricardo!” Chase squealed, “Use a Metronome to finish them off!”
Ricardo waved his fingers before lifting his hands to the air, creating a Thundershock that lit the room to a blinding rate. I squinted to see the tiny bird about to be absorbed by the great big light.
“Nooo…” I whimpered, closing my eyes.

“Yes! Yes!” Chase shouted, “…Wait a minute, what the?”
I opened my eyes, and could scarcely believe them when I did. Cubone was standing in the arena, twirling his bone on his fingers to repel the attack. Klepone flitted away from the arena floor, and landed on my shoulder, shaking furiously.
“You did good, Klepone…” I grinned, “Uh, I mean Klepto…” I returned Klepto to his ball and snatched out Cubone’s walkman. I put it down, turned it up, and watched on, ready for Cubone to clean house. Nobody seemed to be observing this illegal substitution, so I just assumed everyone got blinded and confused from the Thundershock. Either that or a grievous plot hole, who cares.
Ricardo approached Cubone and fell asleep. I could’ve said that with more articulation, but that phrase looks fun on its own.
“Bone?” Cubone muttered, and looked toward me.
“I dunno…” I muttered, “Perhaps he wants to take a nap before fighting?” Within moments, a huge snore emanated from Ricardo, echoing about the room. I covered my ears as Cubone gritted his teeth. It was ear-piercing! And not fun to listen to, either!
“Booooone!” Cubone wailed, shaking his fist in a rage that the gods somehow construed as a Metronome that made him chuck a ball of shadow towards Ricardo. It bounced off the rock’s head and made a huge splat of dark mess on the ground. Groans seem to emanate from the mysterious puddle, though it might’ve just been the janitor who would have to clean it up. All the same, Ricardo woke up, throwing a nightcap and teddy bear aside.
“We’ve only begun to fight…” Chase cackled.
Cubone, however, was already beginning to pant…

[Crystalmaster Mike]

Heh, what wouldn't give for famous people happening to stroll by when I called their name...

Anyway, it seems I should be rereading the previous chapters, as I've totally forgotten what the deal with Chase was about again. Then again, so has Tony, so we're even I guess. Though I do remember that name from Tony's Times (a.k.a. the future), I believe...

And ooh, cliffhanger! (sort of speech)

[Sike Saner]

The random yet somehow also timely appearance of William Shatner and Rowan Atkinson... that was awesome. XD

And lol at Tony having Klepto use Psychic while passing it off as a Metronome. Fwee for cheating! XD

Also awesome: the whole "Leaves continued to stare." section. XD

And now...

Highlights

“Well, here it is…” I whispered quietly, “Of all the hardships… of all the struggles, I was always sure that we could never avoid this. Leaves, now is the time… the time to do it.” I eyed the large wooden door wearily.
“Well here it is.” I repeated, a little shakily, “The time has come… The final countdown. There’s danger on the track, but I’ll need a heart of stone if I ever wanna rock the night.” Suddenly I snapped like a twig. “I can’t do it!!!!!” I bellowed, galloping down the hall like a donkey that had just been taken out of a blender.

“I’ll only do it…” I said in a firm tone, waggling my finger as I rocked back and forth on the floor, “If I’m told to do so by Captain Kirk…”
“…Saur…” Leaves nodded.
“Mr. Bean…” I continued.
“…Bulba…” he said, looking over his shoulder.
I pondered for a moment. “And Barf the mog!” I shouted.
“Buuuuuuuulb!” Leaves groaned, and collapsed.
“So close!” William Shatner whimpered as he walked past.
“Typical of this bloody twit to request the encouragement of a corpse…” Rowan Atkinson spat from behind him.

“So all in all, I ain’t doing it!” I sneered triumphantly, “It would take the most brilliant of methods to shatter THESE nerves of steel!”
Leaves tilted his head slightly, and stared at me.
“Yup…” I grumbled, “Nerves of steel…”
Leaves continued to stare.
I cleared my throat, and looked around the room.
Leaves continued to stare.
I whistled, twiddled my thumbs, and scratched the back of my head.
Leaves continued to stare.
“Alright!” I snapped, and walked towards the doorway, “So maybe they were nerves of aluminium…”

“So… what’s up, doc?” I said with a smirk, pulling out a carrot and taking a bite. At further observation, the carrot actually turned out to be the outstretched leg of a hapless Ariados that happened to be standing there, but I wasn’t fazed. Still tasted pretty damn good.

“I’m sort of, like, here for my needle, Doctor…” I paused, as I couldn’t for the life of me find his nametag, nor any certificates on the walls brandishing his identity. His office walls were adorned only with posters of Rastafarian thespians.

“I’m a hero, you know!”
“A superhero, perchance?” I muttered. In response, he quickly slapped me across the face.
“No you foolish child, a war hero!” he said sharply, “And don’t you forget it!”
I rubbed my cheek, annoyed. “I see. And which war would this be?”
He paused for a moment, before leaning in close, eyes widened. “ALL OF THEM!”

“I see…” I said with a frown, “Rather than continue this conversation or something similarly painful, could I get my needle now?”
He struck me across the face again. “Yeah, sure.” He muttered, stood there for a moment and then slapped me once again.
“What was that one for?” I snapped.
“To make sure I didn’t miss the first time.”

“Alright then, boy.” He said slowly, hunched over, “Tell me, what comes before four?”
I was a tad bemused. “Three?”
“Two, one!” he screeched, spinning around and swooping across the room with an oversized needle appropriate for elephants or politicians. With an almighty thrust, he sinked the needle in.
“Ahahahahaaaa!” he cackled, twisting the medical implement about, “How do you like that, kid?”
“I don’t like it very much.” I yawned, “But I’m sure the table likes it even less. You missed.”
“Oh damn.”

“Well, when at first you don’t succeed… I’ll just aim for a bigger target.”
Before I could question this theory, he crammed the needle into my mouth.

‘Anthony Chambers, your match is in five minutes, Anthony Chambers, report to the central arena NOW.’ The loud unfriendly voice who I have named Jacques declared over the speakers.
“Is that all you’ve got?” I snapped, “Come on, gimme something new!”
As though responding to my challenge, a funky tune began to ring out and Jacques declared that ‘This beat is, this beat is, this beat is TECHNITRONIC.’

I span Cubone’s Pokéball on my index finger and grinned to myself, “Let’s fly!” At that most cliché of moments, the ball swerved off balance and shot off of my finger at an alarming pace, crashing through a nearby window.
“Oh jeez Cueball, you don’t have to take things so literally!”

“How are we, Cueball?” I asked nervously.
“Boooooone…” he moaned, before collapsing unconscious into the dirt.
“We are indeed boned.” I sighed, shaking my head and then kicking the nearest thing in frustration. Fortunately, it wasn’t Cubone that I kicked, but unfortunately, it was a rock that flew directly into his prone body.

“Hey, Leaves…” I said slowly, a grin spreading across my face, “What’s Klepper’s win/loss record?” Leaves lifted both claws; one in a fist, the other with one digit sticking up.
“You’re declaring he’s won one and lost one!” I concluded. Leaves shook his head. “Oh? Well then I suppose you’re… oh screw you, Leaves.”

I felt undeterred by his gesture, and went about my devious plan. First, I rolled Klepto in the mud until he was completely smothered in dirt. Afterwards, I pulled out the ever-useful Weedle horn and lodged it atop Klepto’s head. Now he was brown and white. Just like a Cubone! …Or a mudcake. Whichever was more likely to win this battle.

“You came to watch my battle, perhaps?” I offered.
“Well obviously.” Jimmy muttered, “Do I seem like the kind of person who has a life?”

“And so the next match in the semifinals is about to begin…” a voice boomed from nowhere. This dome seemed obsessed with booming voices. I shall name this booming voice Mr. Esiason.

“In this corner,” Mr. Esiason said in a low drawl, “Terrible Tony!”
“Woo-hoo!” I cheered, “I’m terrible!” I paused for a moment, “Hang on, does he mean that in a good way?”

I lifted the ball up above my head and took another shot at spinning it on my finger.
“Goooooo…” the ball promptly slipped, hitting me in the head. “oowwwwww…” I caught it, rubbed my noggin for a moment, and flicked it to the floor.

“Go CUBONE who is a CUBONE and not a NATU in DISGUISE!!” I shouted, winking madly with each syllable.

Out popped Klepone… but to my horror, the Cubone disguise was completely gone. He was just plain old green, disguise-less Klepto.
A sweatdrop appeared on everyone’s forehead. Especially Klepone, who was sweating bullets.
“Umm…” I gulped, “Cubone, use Metronome!” I let out a gasp, “He used Transform!” Another gasp, “Cubone transformed into Natu!” I frowned furiously at Klepone, “DIDN’T HE??”

“Whatever.” Chase scoffed, “That’ll just make things easier for Ricardo!!”
The Ricardo shot out of the Pokéball. It was big, grey and lumpy. Like porridge, only called Ricardo.

“Ricardo?” I said with a frown, “What’s a Ricardo?”
Ricardo is… a nickname for… this Golem… you… idiot.
“That’s it!” I growled, “I’m taking away your personality!”
I flicked a switch, and the ‘dex beeped loudly.
Ricardo is… a nickname for… this Golem… you… feeble-minded person.
“That’s better.” I said triumphantly.

“Klepone!” I roared, before realising that that was a secret name, “Uh, I mean Cubone… aww to hell with it, Klepone as I shall now call you due to legal complications, use Metronome! *cough*Psychic*cough*”
Klepone pretended to wave his wings in some description of Metronome mime, and then shot a mental blast at the large rock.

Annoyed, Klepone launched the Psychic wave. It again bounced off, but Klepone tried something new by flying out of its range.
“Well done, Klepone!” I cried, “Well done!!” I smiled… until I realised that the blast was now heading towards me.
“Aww Hölle…” I groaned. The force sent Leaves, Jimmy and I crashing into the wall.

I opened my eyes, and could scarcely believe them when I did. Cubone was standing in the arena, twirling his bone on his fingers to repel the attack. Klepone flitted away from the arena floor, and landed on my shoulder, shaking furiously.
“You did good, Klepone…” I grinned, “Uh, I mean Klepto…” I returned Klepto to his ball and snatched out Cubone’s walkman. I put it down, turned it up, and watched on, ready for Cubone to clean house. Nobody seemed to be observing this illegal substitution, so I just assumed everyone got blinded and confused from the Thundershock. Either that or a grievous plot hole, who cares.

Ricardo approached Cubone and fell asleep. I could’ve said that with more articulation, but that phrase looks fun on its own.

“Booooone!” Cubone wailed, shaking his fist in a rage that the gods somehow construed as a Metronome that made him chuck a ball of shadow towards Ricardo. It bounced off the rock’s head and made a huge splat of dark mess on the ground. Groans seem to emanate from the mysterious puddle, though it might’ve just been the janitor who would have to clean it up.

All the same, Ricardo woke up, throwing a nightcap and teddy bear aside.

So, then. That was yet another highly amusing chapter. Boss work. ^^

[Drago]

Well explorers, we've finally done it. After six years and countless nominations, Minty Thrill has won the acclaim of the Fanfic forum, giving the awards for Funniest Character and a share of Most Original Character to our beloved Mr. Chambers. Oh, and by some curious stroke of luck, I've also been awarded co-winner of Funniest Fanficcer. I GIVE U LOLS.

It seems Minty Thrill really does get some love, after all. Also, did you know that our beloved Leaves came up in the search results more than 500 times on TPM, and about 190,000,000 times in all of Google? Yes indeed!! ...Just be prepared to find lots of reference to foliage and people departing, and little to no mention of a Bulb-is-sore.

I'd like to thank everyone who voted for us! We're all so proud and humbly honoured by your praise, and we'll continue to do our very best to give you the best product we can. And we're referring to ourselves in the third person for some reason. Anyhow, to show my gratitude, I shall make a special picture just for you! ...I haven't yet. I'm sorry. But I will. I pwomise.

Crystalmaster Mike: It's funny, while I was writing this chapter, I almost thought I had completely forgotten to include the deal between Tony and Chase, it didn't come up when I tried to find it in the Word document, it was so bizarre. lol If I had in fact omitted it, it would have made this chapter rather nonsensical and I would've ninja-edited it into that chapter, just like I've ninja-edited my incorrect spelling of 'Technotronic'. I hope this chapter won't be a dropoff from the cliffhanger! (Get it? Got it? Good.)
Sike Saner: Ooooh, your mention of Shatner & Atkinson reminds me, how bout we have fun with this... Let's have a Minty Thrill Trivia Game! (Yes, I know there's a topic for that, but this one will have a special prize. So there)
So yeah, Tony requested William Shatner, Rowan Atkinson and John Candy appear. ...However, one of those three was actually someone else in the original edition of the fic! Who was not there, and who was there originally in their place? See if you can do this without referring to the original fic! And if you have to, at least do it enough times so it can break 3,000 views and I can feel giddy about that.

Anyhow, I think I've digressed enough. ...Well not really, I'm actually having fun digressing and I'm sure there's lots of fun things I can do, but I'll just go ahead and post my monthly chapter. I hope to improve on this, except for the fact that I actually got a job. Me, actually working? How wild is that?!!

THE AWARD-WINNING MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Twenty-Second
The Nifty Discount Skills of a Big Scary Rock

Time to fight back.

I brushed my hair back confidently, and grinned. “Cubone, use Metronome!” I roared. Cubone stuck up a hand, as though summoning power from above. He tossed his bone aside, closed his eyes, and shot out a massive Ice Beam, glowing in glorious shades of blue and white as it rocketed across the arena floor.
“Oh no!” Chase cried, as Ricardo was knocked back by the force of the attack. In enormous pain, shivering and frustrated, Ricardo slowly stood up.
“Ricardo,” Chase shouted, “Try-” However, Ricardo would have none of it. He swiped his claws about madly, withdrew into his rocky hide, and rolled at top speed right in my direction.
“Noooo!” Chase squealed, “Ricardo’s out of control!!” I raised an eyebrow with disinterest as Cubone and Leaves watched on horrified, the giant boulder zeroing in on me.
“Seems someone needs some serious training…” I chuckled, and braced myself.
Right when Ricardo came at me, I scooped him up and powered the rock over my head. He stopped spinning, and poked his face out, terrified.
“What goes up…” I snarled, and with one mighty heave, threw Ricardo to the ground. He landed in a massive cloud of dust, and passed out. I wiped my hands clean as onlookers cheered.
“Oh Tony!!” Chase swooned, looking glorious in her skimpy bikini, “I can’t believe your skill and talent! It’s just as great as your intelligence, and only outdone by your ravishing good looks! Will you marry me?”

I laughed, and opened my mouth to answer, when all of a sudden a giant sausage crashed in from the ceiling. It snarled at me menacingly.
“Only I can subdue this monstrosity…” I said quietly.
“No, please don’t!” Chase wailed, clutching tightly to me, “I couldn’t live without you!!”
I twisted my face, which now had a moustache for… various reasons.
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” I said offhandedly.
“A dam??” Jimmy suddenly yelled. I looked over to find that he was now a beaver with a set of drums. “You said the magic words!!”
I took a glance at Beaver Jimmy’s impressive musical posse. It included Electrode John, Jigglypuff Hendrix, and Chikeminem, a streetwise Chikorita with a headband.
“Chika chika Slim Shady.” It muttered.
I glanced back at the sausage, which had now cleverly taken the form of Emperor Bulblax.
“I’m a-gonna gitchooooo!” It gargled, and began eating Jimmy and the band, who were now various coloured Pikmin.
“Nooooooo!” I wailed in a high, Pikmin voice, “This is some kind of NIGHTMARE!!!”

My eyes shot open. Jimmy and Leaves were shaking me furiously.
“What are you doing?!!” Jimmy cried. Rubbing my eyes frantically, I turned my direction towards the battle. Unfortunately, Cubone was getting brutally pummelled by Ricardo. Fortunately, Emperor Bulblax was nowhere in sight.
“Cubone!” I wailed, “Do something smart!!” Cubone hobbled away from the fight and cowered behind my leg.
“Not that sort of smart!!” I snapped. I kicked him back towards Ricardo and he nervously raised his bone.
“Cubone, Metronome him so bad it makes his head spin!!” I snarled. Cubone weakly shook his finger and a tiny string shot out from it, landing on Ricardo’s rocky shoulder. I sighed, pretty much ready to give up and die right there, and if nothing else, frighten the enemy with my corpse.
Suddenly filled with determination, Cubone charged towards Ricardo, flailing his bone around like an insane gravedigger.
Ricardo backed up, intimidated, until Cubone tripped up in his own sticky string. He stumbled around, eventually getting wrapped up in his own warped web. Ricardo chuckled, picked Cubone up, and began kicking him around like a hacky sack.
“Hey Tony, are you actually planning on winning this battle?” Jimmy muttered.
“It’s a possibility!” I snapped, “Cubone, get out of that goo!”
Spinning madly around with each kick, Cubone finally opened his mouth and shot out a Fire Blast that melted the string away. He flew around through the air for a moment, proudly posing.
“Boooooone!” he cheered, until he landed back in the clutches of Ricardo.
“Oh COME ON!!” I wailed, stamping my foot. Ricardo held the hapless little critter up high, and then hurled him into the ground, afterwards stomping on him for good measure.
Cubone struggled to his feet and, tragically, swung a few determined punches at thin air as he stumbled about.
“You are a JOKE!” Chase said in a cold, harsh tone, “This is the worst battle I’ve ever fought! Just forfeit and let it go!!”
“NEVER!” I roared, flinging my coat aside. I rolled up my sleeves as I marched up towards Ricardo, “I’ll just fight the damn thing myself!”
“You’re kidding, right?” Chase muttered, shaking her head, “You can’t be that stupid, can you?” I wasn’t stopping. Chase just shrugged. “’k, kill yourself then. Just don’t leave a mess.”

I stormed up to Ricardo, waggled an accusing finger at him whilst muttering some description of threat, and then slapped him right across his rocky face. Immediately following this, I held my throbbing hand in pain.
“Oh SON OF A BITCH!” I wailed, shaking it quickly. Angrily, Ricardo slapped me back, knocking me to the floor.
“Oh DAUGHTER OF A BITCH!” I cried, rubbing my sore face with my equally sore hand. Ricardo grabbed me by the feet and began to spin. The momentum sent me off the floor, and we were all set to begin the world’s noisiest hammer throw event.
“Fifty bucks says he’ll last another three minutes.” I could swear I heard Jimmy mutter towards Leaves on the sideline. Leaves took him up on that offer, indicating that I wouldn’t manage even that. Crikey, he’d likely kill me himself to make sure of it.
Finally, Ricardo let go, hurling me halfway across the room. I skidded and rolled to a stop, and promptly kicked back up onto my feet. A look of shock crossed everyone’s face.
“You think that’s enough to down me?!” I cackled, “Barely left a scratch!” I turned away for a moment, popped my shoulder back into its socket, and then started hopping about, closing in on Ricardo.
“I’m gonna float like a Butterfree, sting like a Beedrill, foo’ can’t hit what he can’t see…drill?” Right when I got in close enough proximity to be clobbered, Ricardo took the opportunity to do such, walloping me on top of my head.
I held my head in pain as I turned my head towards the sideline. “He saw me, fellas.” I moaned mournfully, “And he drilled me!” I shook it off, and tried my best to still look brave and not brain-dead.
“But I’m not through yet.” I said quietly, “The night is young!”
“Uh, Anthony…” Jimmy called, “It’s still daytime.”
“See?” I spat triumphantly, “The night is so young it hasn’t even been born yet!”

Likely more bemused than anything else, Ricardo reached behind his back, and ripped off a couple of rocks.
“Ack!” I gagged, “What are those? Tumours?” Rather than respond, Ricardo piffed a tumour at me that hit me right in the knee.
“Ouchbuttons!” I declared, and began to run away. With an armful of rocks, Ricardo took chase. Sweatdrops were abound as I dashed madly across the room squealing, Ricardo throwing rocks behind me like some sort of vexed tribesman.
I looked over my shoulder, and saw that a particularly large, pointy one was headed right for my head. I ducked under it at the last moment, and to my utter pleasure it bounced off the wall and right into the face of Ricardo, causing him to fall over into a heap of rocks.
“Well done, Tony!” Jimmy cheered.
“I do it for the fans.” I replied, smirking.
“But can you die in another minute and nine seconds please?” Jimmy asked in a polite tone.

Ricardo got to his feet, glaring at me as though I had just stolen his pic-a-nic basket. He grinned deviously, withdrew his limbs into his body and began to roll at a furious speed, exactly like in my dream. I knew just what I had to do.
“Seems someone needs some serious raining…” I chuckled, and then realised I had misquoted myself. “Jeez, if I make many more mistakes like this, people are going to start thinking I’m stupid or something…”
I observed Ricardo tearing towards me, preparing to scoop him up off the ground when he got close enough. Although, I noticed that he did seem to be coming awfully fast, and appeared to be leaving a flaming ditch in his wake, and I was apparently about to get murdered horrifically.
Taking all this in, I squealed and, at the last possible moment, leapt madly into the air like a frog that had just had its bottom lopped off. Alas, I landed right on top of Ricardo, and had to start running like a madman to stay atop him as he rolled about.
“Goooooo!” he snarled furiously.
“Go where?” I whimpered. I looked over my shoulder, and keenly noted that we were heading right for a wall.
“Holy hats!” I bellowed, leaping off Ricardo as he reached the wall. To my amazement though, he kept right on rolling right up the wall. He made it all the way to the ceiling before gravity caught up with him, and he began to plummet.
“Stupendous!” I said with a grin, applauding this remarkable feat. I quietly stepped aside to avoid playing the role of trampoline, and Ricardo hit the ground with such force he got caught in it. He struggled to pull himself out of his newly-formed crater, but he was lodged in there pretty good.
“Hahaha!” I giggled, poking my tongue out. I kicked him, and then hopped around, holding my foot. “Right, no more of that.”
“This is idiotic.” Chase groaned, “Ricardo would you please just Metronome and get it over with?” Ricardo waggled his fingers about, and with his rocky butt stuck firmly in the ground he looked strangely reminiscent of an old man sitting back in his easychair and listening to a pleasing tune on the radio.

“If he gets off an attack, you’re through!” Jimmy shouted, “Stop him from waving his fingers!!” It was an odd request no doubt, and as such, I didn’t have much time to plan my response. So I just reached over, grabbed his fingers and snapped them clean off. Ricardo’s eyes widened, my eyes widened, Leaves, Jimmy and Chase’s eyes widened, I’m fairly sure even Mr. Esiason’s eyes were widening right through the speaker system.
I held them in my hands for a moment, looking down at them, and then back up at a completely gob smacked Ricardo.
“…Right.” I said finally, and dropped them to the floor.

“Ricardo, it’s time to use your skills!” Chase squealed in utter fury and apparent indifference for the Golem’s missing digits.
“Skills?” I gulped, backing away. It was no good hoping they were knitting skills or something. Ricardo raised his hands to the air, closing his eyes tightly and seeming to strain, as though under great pressure. Then, in a sudden flash of light and smoke, they shot clean off his arms. The fingerless hands whizzed about like completely absurd fireworks, before straightening their course and headed right towards me.
“Ah. Skills.” I said flatly, “Of course.”
Panic-stricken and just plain grossed out, I went back to running away, trying to get away from the disembodied hands, which seemed extraordinarily fast.
“Anyone got any ideas?” I cried, as one knicked me across the head.
“Don’t get caught.” Jimmy suggested.
“Yeah, anything else?” I shouted.
“They’re catching up!” Jimmy wailed.
“Anything I DON’T KNOW?” I snapped, before tripping up in the pile of rocks Ricardo had dropped earlier. The hands shot right over me, pulled a loop and rocketed down in my direction. At the last moment, I rolled aside, just barely dodging them as they crashed into the ground. I peeked out nervously between my fingers, and to my astonishment, saw that the hands had lodged themselves into the ground, just like Ricardo had before. Clearly, this arena floor was far weaker than what should be legally acceptable.
Regardless, I stood up slowly, and looked over at Ricardo, who was twitching and kicking frantically, literally flat on his ass and literally unarmed. Grinning wickedly, I picked up the rocks, and began piffing them at him. After about eight minutes of rock throwing, Chase shouting and Leaves destroying Mr. Esiason’s speaker for no apparent reason, Ricardo had finally succumbed, passing out.
“…Ricardo, return.” Chase said weakly, ashamed.
“Oh my god!” I squealed, “I’m the best!! I beat The Rock!!”
“Go Troubleclef!” Chase suddenly shouted, releasing some description of fairy monster.
“Good going, Tony!” Jimmy said in an encouraging tone, “One down, two to go!”
“Aw crap, I forfeit.” I groaned and collapsed onto the floor, having had the hardest battle of my career. Or lack of career, anyway.

Chase began to cheer for herself and, as if on cue, her father Theodore entered the room.
“What a splendid battle.” He said in his shaky, uncertain voice, “Though I actually came here to see what had happened to the speaker…” Leaves instantly pointed at Jimmy. “I must declare that the winner would be Chase…”
“Yaaaay!” Chase cried, jumping up and down.
“Yes it would be Chase,” Theodore continued, “Had she not been disqualified.”
“What?” Chase snapped in a tone so venomous I’m sure Theodore was losing HP as he spoke.
“I’m afraid you should be more aware of the rules, dearest.” Theodore said sadly, “You commanded Ricardo to use his skills, which as we have discussed, is classified as a technique other than Metronome. You’ve been disqualified for your mistake!”
“No no nooooooo!” Chase whined, “It’s not fair!!”
“So I go onto the last round then?” I said hopefully.
“Thankfully not!” Theodore snapped, “You said yourself that you forfeit. The battle was over, so officially you had just forfeited out of the finals!!”
“AAAAAAAAAGGGG!” I snarled, and punched Theodore right in the face. Chase stood there for a moment. “Thank you.” She said quietly.
The rest of us stood there for a moment.
“So now what?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” she spat, still not feeling very chirpy.
“The deal.” I said sheepishly, “Neither of us won, so you don’t marry me and I don’t become your slave.”
“Deal’s off then.” She muttered.
“…Not necessarily.” I said with a grin, “How about we combine the two!”
“After all, marriage would make Tony your slave…” Jimmy chuckled, only to get a threatening fist-shaking from Chase.
“Well, what’s less than marriage and less than slavery and combined?” I said, smiling, “Simple. You come with me on my quest!”
“Go with YOU?” Chase scoffed, “Never! I’m waiting for my dream man to come and whisk me away, not some clown who gets lucky!” She turned away, snobbishly. My eyes narrowed. I was going to have to use the most dreaded tricks of my trade. The technique I had learned from those before me. I was going to make her come with me… and I was going to do it with force.

I reached into her shorts, grabbed her undies and pulled.
“COME!” I roared, giving her a fierce wedgie.
“No! OW! LET GO OF MEEEEE!” She whined, as I lifted her higher and higher. Eventually I had her standing on her toes.
“Alright, alright, alright, I’ll come with you!” she sighed, “Just let go!”
And I did (begrudgingly). She stomped off, angrily, muttering that she was going to go pack. Though perhaps she said pick.
“You certainly have a way with the ladies…” Jimmy grumbled in disbelief.
“Wasn’t worth it though, it hurt!” I whined, “She’s heavier than she looks…”
“You know, you’re never going to win her over if you talk about her like that.” Jimmy said, concerned.
“Win her over?” I scoffed, “I only wanted to bring her so she could carry my stuff!” I paused for a moment. “…So where are you going to go?” I asked finally.
“I really don’t know…” he sighed, “I’ve never found any challenges around this town for my Pokémon…”
“Hmm.” I chuckled, “I was starting to doubt you had Pokémon in the first place. …Well… how about you come with us? I’m sure everyone saw it coming, it was pretty obvious after all.”
“Uhh…” he muttered, “Leave my family, my friends, my home behind me? Sacrifice all I’ve ever known, most of my worldly possessions, and go on pointless quests where you get all the credit and I get attacked by all variations of nasties?”
“Either that or contend with those bikers…” I cackled.
“Oh hell no!” he gasped, “I’m in, I’m in!”

I grinned a wide, and frankly quite painful grin.
“And so, the three of us are on our way to glory!” I cheered, stepping forward. I tripped over Leaves, who looked irritated as always. Cubone leant on his bone.
“Uh…the five of us then.”
Klepto promptly flew out of his Pokéball, swept down, and snatched Cubone’s bone. Cubone chased after him furiously.
“Six of us. The six of us.”
Obviously hurt by being forgotten, Lido forced herself free from her Pokéball and began to wail in her horrendous voice.
“Hey, what about my Pokémon? And Chase’s too?” Jimmy whined.
“Uhh… three+three+four+…uhh…” I grumbled, rubbing my temples and rocking on the floor, “Oh forget it!”
I leapt back up, “The many associates are on our way to glory! The new-age heroes looking for fun and adventure!”
Everyone in the room cheered.
“…And the Bulb-is-sore!!”
Leaves fell to the floor, as everyone else looked excited.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

*hums* Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage... Go together like a Goat and Cabbage...

Well, I can't say I saw anything coming that happened in there... *replays rock-finger-SNAP moment* But I can't say I didn't know I wouldn't see anything coming that happened in there, either. So there.

It's the start of a whole new adventure for our beloathed Tony Chambers, people: putting up with sidekicks, who will no doubt love to give him side-kicks.

[Sike Saner]

First of all...

Also, did you know that our beloved Leaves came up in the search results more than 500 times on TPM, and about 190,000,000 times in all of Google? Yes indeed!! ...Just be prepared to find lots of reference to foliage and people departing, and little to no mention of a Bulb-is-sore.

XD

Now to say a few words about the chapter itself... Tony's dream at the beginning was great, especially with regards to the giant sausage and to Beaver Jimmy and his band. XD

"Daughter of a bitch" = pwnsome phrase. XD

From now on, any time a rock Pokémon uses something like rock throw or rock slide, I am going to think of tumors because of you. XD Also, Tony just SNAPPING RICARDO'S FINGERS OFF was priceless, as was the mental image of said Golem shooting his hands at Tony and the hands chasing Tony around (which made me think of some kind of bizarre half-Golem-half-Claydol creature). That stuff was great. ^^

And Tony's method of getting someone to join a travelling party is the most amusing method for such that I have ever read. XD

Highlights

I laughed, and opened my mouth to answer, when all of a sudden a giant sausage crashed in from the ceiling. It snarled at me menacingly.

I twisted my face, which now had a moustache for… various reasons.

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” I said offhandedly.
“A dam??” Jimmy suddenly yelled. I looked over to find that he was now a beaver with a set of drums. “You said the magic words!!”
I took a glance at Beaver Jimmy’s impressive musical posse. It included Electrode John, Jigglypuff Hendrix, and Chikeminem, a streetwise Chikorita with a headband.
“Chika chika Slim Shady.” It muttered.

I glanced back at the sausage, which had now cleverly taken the form of Emperor Bulblax.
“I’m a-gonna gitchooooo!” It gargled, and began eating Jimmy and the band, who were now various coloured Pikmin.

“Cubone, Metronome him so bad it makes his head spin!!” I snarled. Cubone weakly shook his finger and a tiny string shot out from it, landing on Ricardo’s rocky shoulder. I sighed, pretty much ready to give up and die right there, and if nothing else, frighten the enemy with my corpse.

Ricardo backed up, intimidated, until Cubone tripped up in his own sticky string. He stumbled around, eventually getting wrapped up in his own warped web. Ricardo chuckled, picked Cubone up, and began kicking him around like a hacky sack.

Cubone struggled to his feet and, tragically, swung a few determined punches at thin air as he stumbled about.

I stormed up to Ricardo, waggled an accusing finger at him whilst muttering some description of threat, and then slapped him right across his rocky face. Immediately following this, I held my throbbing hand in pain.
“Oh SON OF A BITCH!” I wailed, shaking it quickly. Angrily, Ricardo slapped me back, knocking me to the floor.
“Oh DAUGHTER OF A BITCH!” I cried, rubbing my sore face with my equally sore hand.

“Fifty bucks says he’ll last another three minutes.” I could swear I heard Jimmy mutter towards Leaves on the sideline. Leaves took him up on that offer, indicating that I wouldn’t manage even that. Crikey, he’d likely kill me himself to make sure of it.

“You think that’s enough to down me?!” I cackled, “Barely left a scratch!” I turned away for a moment, popped my shoulder back into its socket, and then started hopping about, closing in on Ricardo.

“I’m gonna float like a Butterfree, sting like a Beedrill, foo’ can’t hit what he can’t see…drill?” Right when I got in close enough proximity to be clobbered, Ricardo took the opportunity to do such, walloping me on top of my head.
I held my head in pain as I turned my head towards the sideline. “He saw me, fellas.” I moaned mournfully, “And he drilled me!”

“But I’m not through yet.” I said quietly, “The night is young!”
“Uh, Anthony…” Jimmy called, “It’s still daytime.”

Likely more bemused than anything else, Ricardo reached behind his back, and ripped off a couple of rocks.
“Ack!” I gagged, “What are those? Tumours?” Rather than respond, Ricardo piffed a tumour at me that hit me right in the knee.
“Ouchbuttons!” I declared, and began to run away.

“Well done, Tony!” Jimmy cheered.
“I do it for the fans.” I replied, smirking.
“But can you die in another minute and nine seconds please?” Jimmy asked in a polite tone.

He grinned deviously, withdrew his limbs into his body and began to roll at a furious speed, exactly like in my dream. I knew just what I had to do.
“Seems someone needs some serious raining…” I chuckled, and then realised I had misquoted myself. “Jeez, if I make many more mistakes like this, people are going to start thinking I’m stupid or something…”

I observed Ricardo tearing towards me, preparing to scoop him up off the ground when he got close enough. Although, I noticed that he did seem to be coming awfully fast, and appeared to be leaving a flaming ditch in his wake, and I was apparently about to get murdered horrifically.

Taking all this in, I squealed and, at the last possible moment, leapt madly into the air like a frog that had just had its bottom lopped off. Alas, I landed right on top of Ricardo, and had to start running like a madman to stay atop him as he rolled about.
“Goooooo!” he snarled furiously.
“Go where?” I whimpered.

“Holy hats!”

“Hahaha!” I giggled, poking my tongue out. I kicked him, and then hopped around, holding my foot. “Right, no more of that.”

“This is idiotic.” Chase groaned, “Ricardo would you please just Metronome and get it over with?” Ricardo waggled his fingers about, and with his rocky butt stuck firmly in the ground he looked strangely reminiscent of an old man sitting back in his easychair and listening to a pleasing tune on the radio.

“If he gets off an attack, you’re through!” Jimmy shouted, “Stop him from waving his fingers!!” It was an odd request no doubt, and as such, I didn’t have much time to plan my response. So I just reached over, grabbed his fingers and snapped them clean off. Ricardo’s eyes widened, my eyes widened, Leaves, Jimmy and Chase’s eyes widened, I’m fairly sure even Mr. Esiason’s eyes were widening right through the speaker system.
I held them in my hands for a moment, looking down at them, and then back up at a completely gob smacked Ricardo.
“…Right.” I said finally, and dropped them to the floor.

“Ricardo, it’s time to use your skills!” Chase squealed in utter fury and apparent indifference for the Golem’s missing digits.
“Skills?” I gulped, backing away. It was no good hoping they were knitting skills or something. Ricardo raised his hands to the air, closing his eyes tightly and seeming to strain, as though under great pressure. Then, in a sudden flash of light and smoke, they shot clean off his arms. The fingerless hands whizzed about like completely absurd fireworks, before straightening their course and headed right towards me.
“Ah. Skills.” I said flatly, “Of course.”

Panic-stricken and just plain grossed out, I went back to running away, trying to get away from the disembodied hands, which seemed extraordinarily fast.
“Anyone got any ideas?” I cried, as one knicked me across the head.
“Don’t get caught.” Jimmy suggested.
“Yeah, anything else?” I shouted.
“They’re catching up!” Jimmy wailed.
“Anything I DON’T KNOW?” I snapped, before tripping up in the pile of rocks Ricardo had dropped earlier.

The hands shot right over me, pulled a loop and rocketed down in my direction. At the last moment, I rolled aside, just barely dodging them as they crashed into the ground. I peeked out nervously between my fingers, and to my astonishment, saw that the hands had lodged themselves into the ground, just like Ricardo had before. Clearly, this arena floor was far weaker than what should be legally acceptable.

Regardless, I stood up slowly, and looked over at Ricardo, who was twitching and kicking frantically, literally flat on his ass and literally unarmed. Grinning wickedly, I picked up the rocks, and began piffing them at him. After about eight minutes of rock throwing, Chase shouting and Leaves destroying Mr. Esiason’s speaker for no apparent reason, Ricardo had finally succumbed, passing out.

“…Ricardo, return.” Chase said weakly, ashamed.
“Oh my god!” I squealed, “I’m the best!! I beat The Rock!!”
“Go Troubleclef!” Chase suddenly shouted, releasing some description of fairy monster.
“Good going, Tony!” Jimmy said in an encouraging tone, “One down, two to go!”
“Aw crap, I forfeit.” I groaned and collapsed onto the floor, having had the hardest battle of my career. Or lack of career, anyway.

“What?” Chase snapped in a tone so venomous I’m sure Theodore was losing HP as he spoke.

“So I go onto the last round then?” I said hopefully.
“Thankfully not!” Theodore snapped, “You said yourself that you forfeit. The battle was over, so officially you had just forfeited out of the finals!!”
“AAAAAAAAAGGGG!” I snarled, and punched Theodore right in the face.

“Go with YOU?” Chase scoffed, “Never! I’m waiting for my dream man to come and whisk me away, not some clown who gets lucky!” She turned away, snobbishly. My eyes narrowed. I was going to have to use the most dreaded tricks of my trade. The technique I had learned from those before me. I was going to make her come with me… and I was going to do it with force.

I reached into her shorts, grabbed her undies and pulled.
“COME!” I roared, giving her a fierce wedgie.
“No! OW! LET GO OF MEEEEE!” She whined, as I lifted her higher and higher. Eventually I had her standing on her toes.
“Alright, alright, alright, I’ll come with you!” she sighed, “Just let go!”
And I did (begrudgingly).

She stomped off, angrily, muttering that she was going to go pack. Though perhaps she said pick.

“…So where are you going to go?” I asked finally.
“I really don’t know…” he sighed, “I’ve never found any challenges around this town for my Pokémon…”
“Hmm.” I chuckled, “I was starting to doubt you had Pokémon in the first place. …Well… how about you come with us? I’m sure everyone saw it coming, it was pretty obvious after all.”

“Uhh…” he muttered, “Leave my family, my friends, my home behind me? Sacrifice all I’ve ever known, most of my worldly possessions, and go on pointless quests where you get all the credit and I get attacked by all variations of nasties?”
“Either that or contend with those bikers…” I cackled.
“Oh hell no!” he gasped, “I’m in, I’m in!”

I grinned a wide, and frankly quite painful grin.

“And so, the three of us are on our way to glory!” I cheered, stepping forward. I tripped over Leaves, who looked irritated as always. Cubone leant on his bone.
“Uh…the five of us then.”
Klepto promptly flew out of his Pokéball, swept down, and snatched Cubone’s bone. Cubone chased after him furiously.
“Six of us. The six of us.”
Obviously hurt by being forgotten, Lido forced herself free from her Pokéball and began to wail in her horrendous voice.
“Hey, what about my Pokémon? And Chase’s too?” Jimmy whined.
“Uhh… three+three+four+…uhh…” I grumbled, rubbing my temples and rocking on the floor, “Oh forget it!”

Great chapter, and congrats again on your successes in the latest Silver Pencils! ^^

[Drago]

*blows off the dust* ...Wow. Sure does suck to be a reader of Thrill, no? Absolutely, after a muscular FIVE MONTHS of inactivity, I come regailing you with a new chapter! Well, an old chapter, but you know what I mean.
So what took me so long? Well, I blame it all on the fact that Microsoft Word itself gave up on Minty Thrill.
It said, AND I QUOTE...
There are too many spelling or grammatical errors in "Minty Thrill" to continue displaying them. To check the spelling and grammar of this document, choose Spelling and Grammar from the Tools menu.
Wowsers trousers!

In all honesty, actually, it's because I work now. A lot. Having a job sure does take away the time usually spent writing about the tales of a young boy and his Pokemon. Additionally, I had trouble coming up with new quips to chuck in here, so don't be surprised if the first half is a lot better than the second.

Crystalmaster Mike: If nothing else, I'm hoping that people will remember me for depicting a Golem's fingers being snapped off. It's a special achievement in my life. And woo for sidekicks! They distract from the poorly-formed plot, you see.
Sike Saner: Thanks for your support, Sike! I must admit, I feel a smidgen guilty about my latest nominations so it's really provoked me to bite the bullet and get this current chapter out there. ...Good to see I've still avoided the dubious writer's block award, though.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Twenty-Third
Meet Meat

5:47 AM. A female reporter and pudgy cameraman are running down a windswept hill, their clothes ripped and tattered. They look terrified, and together make quite the cliché, and perhaps the opportunity for a clever joke.
“Oh god Vern!” the reporter cries, “They’re catching up!!”
Vern puffs intensely, instinctively trying to film what is going on behind him as he runs. Because of this, and his exceptional girth, he is starting to fall behind.
“I just…can’t do it…” he wheezes, collapsing in a heap and panting for breath. His partner doesn’t even look back. She continues running, losing her only remaining shoe in the process.
“Waaaaait…” Vern cries weakly, tears stinging his eyes and blurring his vision. He lifts a hand toward his panicked co-worker. Within moments, a patch of the earth next to Vern lifts up like a lid, sending clods of dirt everywhere in the process. Two huge grey claws reach out and prop themselves over Vern’s body, greedily pulling him back down the hole. The patch of ground falls back into place like a trapdoor. The camera rolls free of Vern’s gasp and rolls onto its side, still recording Vern’s muffled screams.
Watching the film, one could see the reporter tearing further into the distance, until she stops dead in her tracks. She throws her hands up defensively as, in a flash, a blue bird swoops down and snatches her up in its talons. Her screams fade as the camera’s battery run flat, and then the image onscreen flicks off. The red light dies and the camera stops whirring. There is silence.

Kyle
********************
I sighed deeply and blinked a couple times in fatigue as I searched for evidence along the walking path leading out of Attiles City. Now that I had Freegan and Kroop on the lookout in Attiles, I could take some time to find Anthony using other means. I would’ve contacted someone in nearby Basusu Town, but the township lacked a single phone. I hadn’t been there in sometime; it was likely there wasn’t even a police unit.
I pulled a branch aside, and my hand stopped short of brushing against a strange orange, caterpillar-like bug. I took a couple crouched steps back. It peered up at me through its large yellow eyes and tilted its head curiously.
“What in the hell is this thing? I muttered. It hunched the middle segment of its body up and let out a strange, low growl.
“Settle, settle.” I muttered, “I’m on my way…”
It opened its mouth wide and leapt at me, leaving a small cut in my neck from its sharp horn.
“Ow!” I snapped, my hand slapping against my neck as I walked away, “Damn thing! Damn! Damn!”
It reared before again leaping at me. This time I was able to duck past its assault. I grabbed hold of my intercom, keeping my eyes on it at all times.
“This is Officer Riddells, reporting something wrong east of Attiles.” I said firmly, hiding my nervousness, “Under attack by some kind of Caterpie/Weedle hybrid…”
There was a garbled laughter, before I got the response, “Sure Kyle, we’ll send some help right after we deal with this horrific Pidgey assault on fourth and main!”

By this time, the creature had crawled onto my foot, lashing against me with all its might. I wailed loudly, before kicking it off and sending it smacking into a tree. It stumbled around dizzily for a moment, before crawling back into the foliage.
I fell back, and rubbed my leg. What the hell was that thing? And why was it so aggressive? Call me paranoid, but I was starting to get a feeling that Anthony was doing something with these Pokémon on a much grander scale than originally anticipated.

Tony
********************
“Well, we’re about to head off!” I called out to Daisy and Theodore, who probably should’ve been nursing his throbbing nose right now. Leaves, Chase and Jimmy stood behind me and Chase had a strange smile on her face, inconsistent with her earlier resistance. Did she perhaps have a wedgie fetish she felt I could fulfil? …I somehow didn’t doubt it, considering my earlier dealings with that Buffy chick. Neither here nor there. Were you aware that I have just filled this paragraph with unnecessary fetish discussion? Me neither! When did that happen, anyway? Personally, I like it when women sneeze. Oh yeah. Hot.

Theodore lumbered out from whence he came and wiped away a tear. “Ah, my little Chase is growing up. Going out and duelling with great beasts of destruction. Your mother and I are very proud that you’re so bravely willing to go on such a suicidal journey. We’re going to miss you terribly.”
“Daddy, what are you saying?” Chase asked quietly.
“Goodbye, Chase m’dear.” Theodore said in a solemn tone.
“What?” Chase snapped, suddenly back to her old self, “What are you talking about? That wasn’t the plan, dad! You were supposed to ice this whole arrangement!”
“Chase, I’ve considered the matter further.” Her father replied, “Your mother and I were watching the news this morning, and apparently there has been a sudden outbreak in attacks by creatures that could possibly be Pokémon. These attacks seem to be coming inevitably closer, and we don’t want anything to happen to you. We feel as though you’d be safer with these two boys and their Pokémon.”
“But daddy!” Chase whined, “I’ve got my own Pokémon!”
“A Golem, Cleffa, Teddiursa and a Phanpy to stand against the legions of enraged Pokémon?” Theodore scoffed, “Not a chance. I may not like these two fellows…”
“And I thought we were just starting to become chums.” I whimpered.
“But I’m sure that their Pokémon will be more than enough to protect you.”
“Umm, not really…” I muttered to nobody in particular.
“Before you go though, boy.” Theodore addressed me, “This mobile phone was sent here specifically for you a short while ago.”
“Really?” I gasped, and snatched the phone, “Is it real?” I dropped it to the floor and stepped on it to test its authenticity. A few pieces broke off, including the button for the number 9. Success! It broke just like a real phone should.
“Just go before I change my mind!” Theodore rumbled in a rather Shakespearean tone, before turning away and returning to his lair.

Shrugging, we resumed our excellent journey, though Leaves and I quickly discovered that having people walk with you was rather bothersome. Jimmy was walking so slowly you’d be excused for thinking he was actually a large tree in disguise, and Chase had already begun a tirade.
“So where to first, crew?” I cut her off in a loud voice, feeling quite pleased with having a posse. This was my chance to paint the town red! Or failing that, a lovely shade of burgundy.
“Well if I really have to go through with this stupid quest…” Chase muttered, “We might as well visit Meat along the way. He’ll give us a ride to Kurabusu.”
I frowned in great confusion. Meat was going to drive? I tried to picture being the passenger of a car operated by an oversized porkchop who was complaining about the weather.
“Who’s Meat?” I asked.
“Meat’s my cousin.” Chase replied in the first calm reaction of the day, “He thinks he’s some kind of rock star. He’s kind of a loser, but he’s ok. He lives just off that way.” Chase pointed off in the near distance. I’m fairly certain I could just about make out a building that looked like a small assembly hall of some description. Hadn’t noticed it on my way up, but honestly I wasn’t exactly on an ‘assembly hall hunting extravaganza’ at the time.

I started towards the building, but stopped when I felt a vibration in my pocket. I gasped lightly while snatching out the culprit; the newly acquired mobile phone.
“Damn.” I snapped, “I thought my magic beans were growing.” I nodded the others off to walk on ahead, and stabbed furiously at the buttons before actually getting the phone to start working.
“Hello, Tony Chambers, worker for a small but honest cause.” I said casually.
“Well Tony,” the person on the other end responded, “That cause is about to become a whole lot bigger! You just may be the last hope for all mankind!”
“Oh ok.” I muttered. There was a long, awkward silence before I gave in and meekly asked who it was I was talking to.
“It’s Professor Gum, Tony!” he said sternly, “Are you thick or something?”
I pinched a segment of skin before nodding confidently. “Yup, apparently.”
I could hear a voice talking to Gum before he continued. “Ahh, right. Jess wanted to know how Lido’s going?”
I bit my tongue lightly. She actually hadn’t really been doing much for a while now. Her training had come to quite a standstill.
“It’s great!” I gushed, “She’s evolved! …Nine times!”
“Right.” Gum replied flatly, “All exaggerated lies aside, I had to tell you that time for our world is running out!”
“Then why didn’t you call earlier?” I accused.
“Well sorry…” he apologised, “Had a bit of memory loss lately. Did I tell you that the day you left town, something knocked me over the head and sent me right into the lake? Haven’t been quite the same since then…”
Flashback to me being the cause of that accident, resulting in an unconscious professor and the loss of a foreign clock. Bizarre.
Again, an awkward pause. “…Yup. Evolved nine times.”
“Doubtless you’ve heard about the recent Pokémon attacks…” Gum began.
“Better start doubting.” I said with a gulp.
“It doesn’t ring any bells at all?” Gum groaned.
I grinned slightly. “Like Quasimodo with acousticophobia.”
“In any event,” Gum continued, annoyance mounting, “These Pokémon are none like we’ve ever seen before!”
“Truly?” I responded, feigning interest.
“It seems that, practically overnight, Furudo has been overrun with dozens of new Pokémon species. Intensive research is a necessity, but so far the only thing people are arguing is whether they should dub these species the ‘Ruby’ or ‘Sapphire’ Pokémon.”
“What about Emerald?” I perked up, “Ruby is soooo tacky…”
“Don’t you start too.” Gum grumbled, “The point is, they’re so absorbed in this, they don’t really care about all the damage that’s being done! So while everyone else is bickering, I’ve come up with a solution!”
Gum held his prize up high above his head. I can tell because the item collection music from Zelda randomly rang out across the sky.
“You see, I’ve created a serum that counteracts this unidentifiable substance seething through these Pokémon, thereby reducing their aggression. I’ve sent it to every single trainer I know of, and I’m nowhere near done, so I’ll have to leave you now with your mission. Using Pokémon storage capabilities, I’ll send you a Pokémon carrying the serum through the phone. You have to take this serum and inject it into any new Pokémon you come across.”
“How will I know if it’s one of the angry ones?” I asked meekly.
“I’ve sent out the signal that updates your Pokédex. All taken care of.” He replied proudly. I pulled out my nasty scratchy black Pokédex and eyed it warily. Had Gum actually hacked into it without my knowing? What else could he have accessed within it? Hopefully he didn’t bother looking at the sketch program…
“It’s up to you to make sure this threat doesn’t spread beyond Furudo, Tony… I’m sending the Pokémon carrying the serum now, just hit 9 on your phone to receive it. …Also, please stop doodling breasts on the Pokédex. It’s pretty sad.” He scolded. I bit my tongue, bitter that my artistry had been brought to a screeching halt.

Regardless, I was ready to press 9. Indeed I would remain ready, because my phone of course had lost its 9 button when I tested it out earlier.
“Oh bum.” I gulped, and scanned the keypad nervously. The world was depending on me and this stupid phone was preventing me from fulfilling my duties! A 9! A 9! My kingdom for a 9!
After significant pummelling, the screen was shattered and the aerial was snapped clean off, but still no life-saving Pokémon in sight. Cautiously, as though I was breaking an important law, I pressed the 8 button instead, hoping for a similar result. Fantastically, a message onscreen declared there was ‘1 BALL 4 TONI’.
“Great!” I cheered. Spelling mistakes aside, it’d do. I confirmed the delivery, and reached into the back of the phone. There was a tiny hole for receiving such things, though it’s possible it was just a hole caused by the amount of ass-kicking it had received. Regardless, after a lengthy struggle I managed to rip the ball out, along with some odd green metal thing. I had once been told it was a ‘motherboard’, but it felt cold and indifferent to me, most unmotherly. I threw it aside, and felt around for a moment for the fatherboard. Nothing. Best to continue.

I opened up the ball, and out shot a strange little critter with the serum in its mouth. I pointed my possibly virus-laden Pokédex at it and got the scoop.
Mareep… a very… friendly Electric sheep… that conducts large amounts of electricity… within its wool. The females… tend to have more wool… than males.
But something appeared amiss. The picture on the Pokédex suggested a woolly yellow sheep, but the Mareep before me was pretty much bare. Other than a patch of wool on her head, she was just a sad, scrawny little blue shivering sight.
“Righto.” I muttered, grabbing the serum from her mouth. She looked up at me inquisitively and tilted her head to the side. Hopefully she was going to be a lot less of a hassle than my other Pokémon, though it was a shame that someone had gotten to her with a razor first. I shook my fist in fury towards the entire nation of New Zealand, before returning her into her ball and running ahead to catch up with the others.
“Hey, before I forget…” Chase muttered, reaching into her back pocket, “For getting so far in the tournament, I’m supposed to give you this runner-up prize.” She handed me a shiny bronze Pokéball.
“Oh great!” I bubbled.
“A level 73 Exeggcute.” She finished.
“…Oh.” I squeaked, the smile disappearing from my face.
I HATE Exeggcute! They’re so…pointless and stupid! Why bother?? I’ve got a Mareep, who needs some smelly old Exeggcute? I crammed the ball into my right back pocket (the unhappy pocket), hoping never to see it again.

By this time, we had arrived at Meat’s door and Chase was banging on it furiously.
“Open up, Meat!!” she hollered, “Or this door is coming down, I swear it!” That was enough to prompt Meat, with his tall frame, spiky black hair and pierced chin, to open up.
“Whoa, Chase!” he said in a surfer-like voice so cliché you’d think he was voiced by Keanu Reeves (though on our budget, more likely Pauly Shore), “Didn’t think I’d see you around here in a while.”
“I’ve been trying hard to avoid it.” She said icily, shoving her way into the abode. Meat shrugged and closed the door behind them.
“Well, that’s done!” I said chirpily.
Jimmy rubbed his chin pensively “Though perhaps we should be inside?” he muttered.
“Bulba!” Leaves snapped, rubbing his snout gingerly after having the door slammed on it.
I looked confused, or at least put on an expression I believe portrayed confusion, and followed inside. There was a small stage with about a hundred folding chairs stacked up in front of it, no doubt it got cramped when they were all set up. There was a hallway ahead that lead to the bathroom and, a little way off, what looked like a kitchen. Not much, really.
I could hear Chase already snapping about this, that or the other from the kitchen. Shrugging, Leaves, Jimmy and I ambled in that direction.
“So what is it you do anyway?” Chase muttered, “I mean, it’s not like you can make a living off a one-man rock concert.” She added coldly, “Especially not when that guy’s a nobody.”
“Well it’s all a most excellent trick, you see!” Meat said with a wide grin, “Right, so I’m up on stage blowin’ people’s minds like you wouldn’t believe, and while I’m doing this, Haunter’s sending out some weird vibes or something that makes people start seeing famous people. Kiss, Linkin Park, you name it. I keep things quiet so nobody gets suspicious, plus I can charge killer prices for the tickets.”
“You’re getting rich off getting people high?” Chase spat, “You sleaze, there’s nothing you won’t do.”
“Baby, the only thing that’s too low for me is the pay!” Meat cackled. Quote of the forever. “And you’re one to talk, seeing how uncle Theo used to be like the biggest drug dealer in Kurabusu…”
“Shut the hell up!” Chase said furiously, storming off into another room. I wanted to storm off too; lord knows I would have had more fun today had I known that while I was back at the ‘nome Dome.
“Anyway guys,” Meat turned his attention to Jimmy and I, seeming unfazed by the fact we had of course let ourselves in, “I’ve got a concert on tonight, but tomorrow morning, I’ll give you a ride to the city for sure.”
Jimmy’s face lit up upon hearing about the concert. “Perfect!” he said giddily, “That’ll be a great chance for me to teach you a thing or two about the rock and roll, young Meat!”
“Dude, I’m 37…”
“Yes, you see, I was quite the rocker in my younger days!” Jimmy declared, proudly strutting about like some kind of peacock, “I won… that’s right, WON… the under 7’s competitive drumming competition!”
“Really?” I said in awe, “When’d you do that?”
“On my 12th birthday.” He replied, snatching the news article from his pocket with a picture of him holding his trophy while the toddlers around him bawled.
********************************
Thanks in part to my extensive past in lighting design, my assistance was invaluable in setting the stage up. I was especially pleased with my contribution, though Meat had been so busy with his stuff he hadn’t even thought to look over at the lighting right behind him. He peered over his shoulder finally, and his eyes bulged (with excitement no doubt!) when he saw what I had done.
“Dude?” he gasped, “What the hell did you do?”
“I rigged all eight of them up, just like you told me!” I said, hurt.
“What’s with all these amplifiers, man?” he groaned, “I told you to rig up the lamps!”
“Oh whoops.” I muttered, biting my tongue, “I thought you said rig up the amps…” I looked nervously over at the wall, where despite all logic I had managed to plug the amplifiers into the lighting circuitboard. “Never you mind, though.” I turned each amp on, and much to my relief, each one had a tiny red light on it that indicated it was turned on. “See? Lighting.”

My moment of technical genius was cut short as Meat’s Jigglypuff, Roll, entered the room. He marched about with his sunglasses and sparkly coat, took a swipe at me and yelled out some indecipherable Jigglypuff threats with a curious British accent, and then exited.
“Umm Meat?” I said quietly, “I think your Jigglypuff just called me a bitch.”
“Ahh don’t mind him.” Meat said in a disinterested tone, “He’s just getting in character. Tonight he’s playing Elton John!”
“A duet with Elton?” I gawked, “He doesn’t even play rock and roll, what’re people gonna say when a guitar comes out of his piano?”
“Just a CD player with some piano, dude.” Meat replied, “Roll presses that and out comes the piano. He does his own vocals though, somehow Haunter’s vibes can also make it sound just like Sir Elton.”
“That’s pretty cool…” I said with a nod, “So what does Rock do, then?” I pointed over to Meat’s Geodude, sitting in the corner and looking mean.
“He sits in the corner and looks mean.” Meat handily confirmed.
I walked over to Rock and stared it dead in the eye.
“A Geodude, eh?” I muttered, “The last one of you I saw was in outer space.”

There was a long, painfully awkward pause before Jimmy strolled into the room, carrying something cardboard under his arm and looking incredibly pleased with himself.
“Times like these I amaze even myself…” he blathered, “Baby, I’m cooler than Milli Vanilli!” he flashed a smile over at Chase, “Girl, you know it’s true.” He peered about for a moment, “Anyway, I’m a tad rusty.” He walked towards the stage and leant on a tall green machine. “What does this thing do again?”
“That’s a vending machine.” Meat replied flatly.
“Groovy.” Jimmy said with a grin.
Chase shook her head from where she was sitting, as Jimmy snapped his fingers as he strutted along. “Pretty sweet setup here, but it could use a little flashiness, my main man!” Jimmy propped up the cardboard item he had been carrying, revealing it to be something truly terrifying.
“It’s a lifesize cardboard cut-out of me!” he announced proudly. “Look, you can even move the arm up and down so I’m either doing a disco dance or kinda pointing down at the floor.” He fiddled with the arm a couple times, though it wasn’t as exciting as he had made it out to be.
“I could actually use that.” Meat said as he propped it up towards the left of the stage. He stood back to take in how it looked on the stage, and a smile began to creep across his face.

Jimmy continued examining items until he came upon a small silver machine.
“So what’s this one, then?”
“Ahh, well that’s a pretty cool little device that can kinda make up lyrics.” Meat said, still looking at the cardboard Jimmy, “You say a word and it comes up with something nicer. It’s good if Roll blows his lyrics.” From his place in the kitchen, I could’ve sworn Roll called Meat a rude, vile pig. Though it might’ve just been jiggy jig.
“Just say something, and it’ll give you something better.” Meat explained.
“Really?” Jimmy said, bemused.
Truly? The machine buzzed.
“Huh?” Jimmy grunted in confusion.
Pardon? The machine offered.
“Meat, stop this crap!” Jimmy whimpered.
Inner muscular content, cease this fecal matter!
“It’s saying too many big words!” Jimmy cried.
Don’t like big words, huh? Segregation! Quorum! Tercentenary! Antivivisectionist! Transubstantiation! Iconoclast! Iconoclast!!! ICONOCLAST!!
His eyes filled with tears, Jimmy bolted from the room.
Chase groaned as she buried her face in her hands. “I just know things are going to go pear-shaped…”
As if on cue, a mildly discouraged Jimmy brought out his next prop, an oversized cardboard pear with his face on it.
********************************
So it was time for the concert, apparently, as the relatively small hall was packed to the gills. My Pokémon and I sat near the back. Jimmy was backstage, fulfilling his childhood dream of backstage management, while Chase had locked herself into the kitchen to avoid the whole imminent debacle.
Meat, Rock and the hallucinogenic image of Elton John were onstage (there’s something I’m not likely to say ever again), but Elton hadn’t spoken a word so far, Roll nowhere to be found.
Things were getting pretty tense, until finally Roll appeared from among the crowd, wrapped up in a dark blue cloak that hid most of his features.
I had to admit, the fake concert was pretty cool; Roll seemed to pull off a rather convincing Elton John. Can’t say I was too sure about the combination of lyrics between him and Meat, though.

“I’m a rocket man…”
“Shut your mouth!”
“Rocket man…”
“Shut your mouth!”

For some reason, it made me think of an anti-dentist demonstration. Meanwhile, Rock sat onstage, looking mean, and doing some description of dance that looked more like he had had both feet chopped off. Especially strange to see when he really did have no feet. I chuckled a bit when Meat began pummelling all the cardboard cut-outs of Jimmy, pleased to see he had in fact made good use of them.
After a little while it was getting a little mellower and I could actually hear again, so I decided I might engage in some small talk with Mareep. After all, I had to make new Pokémon feel welcome. …Well, except that stupid Exeggcute. Stupid stupid stupid.
“So Mareep,” I began awkwardly as though we were on a blind date, “It’s good to have you join the team. Tomorrow you can meet Klepto and Lido, too! It’s past Lido’s bedtime right now, and Klepto kinda likes stealing things so I thought I’d just leave him in his ball for now. But yeah, these here are your new pals, Leaves and Cubone!”
I peered over at the duo. Leaves was reaching into the waiting pocket of a woman in front of him and Cubone was staring at me, a rotting piece of banana oozing out from his helmet.
“Righto.” I said with a frown, “So what do you think of the concert?”
“Meep! Mareeeeeeeep!” Mareep replied tersely.
“I was thinking something along those lines.” I looked back up onstage, and to my shock the illusion of Elton John was now playing piano upside-down on the ceiling. Obviously Haunter was having an off night. Meat looked horrified for a moment, but the audience members seemed pleased with this new occurrence.
“Whoa, Elton flies!”
“I thought only Billy Joel could do that…”

Meat was still looking quite distressed, though. He wasn’t looking at flying Elton though, but Roll, who was still providing the lyrics off to the side.
“What is this?” he bellowed, “This isn’t my Jigglypuff!” He tore off the cloak and, to my shock, underneath was… A STRANGE PINK THING!! ...Yeah, that sounds like a Jigglypuff but it isn’t. The audience gasped and applauded, probably completely oblivious to what was going on anymore but still cheering loudly. They were high off Elton John and THEY WERE LOVING IT!!
I pulled out the Pokédex, hoping for some information.
Gum’s latest update…identifies this… as a Whismur… further information… is…unavailable. Spyware detected… FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE!
Jimmy ran out onstage, shrinking away when the Whismur turned and eyed him menacingly. It opened its drooling mouth wide and began chasing after him. He barrelled about the stage as the illusion of Elton John began whirling about wildly. Leaves couldn’t stop laughing at the absurd sight and Cubone was among those who thought it was part of the show, jumping up and down excitedly.
I fumbled around with the items in my pocket, dropping two Pokéballs to the floor. Lido shook her head groggily a couple times before singing merrily (and horribly) along to the now instrumental version of the concert. Klepto circled the room a couple times, looking frantically for something to steal, before crashing into the air conditioner. A panel broke off and the whole room was awash with a frosty chill. The wool-less Mareep’s teeth were chattering as she began shivering furiously. Then, as if just to mock me, Exeggcute escaped from the confines of its ball as well, joining Cubone in the excited hopping. All the while, Rock continued his mad dance.
Somehow, at that moment I realised I really didn’t need any of those drugs from Chase’s dad.

No doubt having heard the chaos, Chase emerged from the kitchen, Pokéball in hand. “Go Troubleclef!” she shouted, “Take that thing down!”
So now joining the confusion was a Cleffa trying desperately to get the Whismur to pay attention to it.
“What to do, what to do…” I began panicking, mostly distressed that Cubone was spilling rotten banana all over the place, “Oh yeah, the serum!” I pulled it out, but tragically realised I had no syringe with which to inject it. I felt about my pockets desperately hoping that somewhere along the way I had acquired something similar without realising it. And success! Hidden deep within my pockets was the venerable and ever so trustworthy Weedle horn! I hastily pourd the syrum into the horn (so why was it hollow anyway? For plot purposes, I suppose), and wedged a spare Pokéball into it to stop it from leaking. It was a bizarre plan, but it could just work.
I charged up towards the Whismur, but with a loud screech it sent me reeling across the room into the babbling crowd.
“Dude, that guy’s got a tail!”
“Man, you must be seeing things… Just shut up and watch Elton John fly.”
From that exchange, I recalled that my tail could be useful in this equation. I hid at the bottom of the stage, hopefully out of range of the Whismur’s vocal attack, and held onto the horn with my tail. I swung it about the stage a couple of times, hoping to get a clean shot.
I felt it hit something, but to my chagrin, when I looked up it was Jimmy pierced in the leg, and he tumbled to the floor.
“That was pretty nice…” he muttered cheerfully.
“Whoopsy.” I gulped. The Whismur leapt atop his back, and I decided to try another blind swiping rage while it was distracted. After a couple swings, I felt impact. When I looked up, the pink troublemaker was stumbling about. It fell to the floor, and I shot a triumphant fist to the air.
“Yeah!” I hollered, “I got it!”

“Oh my god, you’ve killed Troubleclef!!” Chase wailed. I slapped my head, cursing my poor skills at distinguishing the difference between a Cleffa and a Whismur.
“Screw this.” I snapped, and grabbed the walkman from my pocket. I wrapped the headphones tightly around the horn, swung it around a few times and then flung it towards the Whismur. Its eyes widened as the makeshift hammer throw event was headed right for it.
Tragically, just before connecting, Meat marched up to catch the Whismur, and instead caught the Weedle horn in the rear.
“Aww Hölle!” I whined, stamping my foot on the floor. The horn fell to the stage and, curiously, the Whismur poked the tip. It shook its pricked finger for a moment, and then sat down, overcome with a calm feeling.

An almighty roar rose from the crowd. It no doubt was an exciting series of events, but when I looked back towards the stage, I found that it was the Elton John image that was getting the ovation, spinning at a rapid pace upside down, and now completely in the nude.

…What in the hell was Haunter’s problem, anyhow?
********************************
Meat held a cup of coffee in his shaking hand as he eyed the invoice he had gotten just minutes earlier. It was the next morning, and everyone was getting ready to leave.
“What’s it for, anyway?” I asked meekly.
“I’m getting sued!” Meat spat bitterly, “Apparently Muse did the exact same performance back in October!”
“What?” I gasped, “So you’re telling me they got attacked by a Whismur while a naked illusion of Elton John span on the ceiling?”
“Well, not exactly.” Meat replied, shaking his head, “It was actually a Clefable at their concert, and they had the real Elton John spinning naked on the ceiling.”
“Damnation!” I snapped, “Their innovation never ceases to amaze me…”

I sighed deeply, and sat down at the table.
“So what’re you so bummed about then?” Meat asked, resting an arm on his knee.
“It’s just… I worked so hard in the ‘nome Dome, fought through all those battles, and what do I get? An Exeggcute. A lousy, level 73 Exeggcute.”
“Well, what’s wrong with it?” Meat queried.
“I don’t like Exeggcutes.” I muttered.
“Yeah so? Maybe this one will be different. Maybe this is going to be the Exeggcute to turn you around, make you a believer. I think that in an ideal world, you could love something purely because of what it is.”
“…Yeah?” I sniffed.
“Exactly. And either way, there’s nothing really wrong with it. An Exeggcute is pretty strong, and at level 73 it could really turn your team around. In fact, I think this could be just what makes you a master trainer!!”
“Yeah!” I shouted proudly, “I just never gave it a chance! I’m looking forward to training my Exeggcute! …But first… Where the hell is it?”
Jimmy then burst into the room with a frying pan. “Made breakfast before we go.”
I looked into the pan, to see what Jimmy had made…

…And I turned pale.

[Sike Saner]

First of all...

Wowsers trousers!

I love that phrase. XD

Now, with regards to the chapter itself... Well, right off the bat, the title amused me, which I considered an auspicious sign.

Tony turning that one paragraph into a bunch of talk about fetishes was very funny, I thought. XD I love it when narrators go off on tangents like that. X3

Also particularly hilarious: what Tony had been doodling on his Pokédex. XD

AND FLYING ELTON JOHN FTW! XD

Oh, and the mention of Muse made me smile.

And oh, my Lord, the ending of that chapter was PURE EFFING GOLD. XDDDD

Highlights

I pulled a branch aside, and my hand stopped short of brushing against a strange orange, caterpillar-like bug. I took a couple crouched steps back. It peered up at me through its large yellow eyes and tilted its head curiously.
“What in the hell is this thing? I muttered. It hunched the middle segment of its body up and let out a strange, low growl.
“Settle, settle.” I muttered, “I’m on my way…”
It opened its mouth wide and leapt at me, leaving a small cut in my neck from its sharp horn.
“Ow!” I snapped, my hand slapping against my neck as I walked away, “Damn thing! Damn! Damn!”

Leaves, Chase and Jimmy stood behind me and Chase had a strange smile on her face, inconsistent with her earlier resistance. Did she perhaps have a wedgie fetish she felt I could fulfil? …I somehow didn’t doubt it, considering my earlier dealings with that Buffy chick. Neither here nor there. Were you aware that I have just filled this paragraph with unnecessary fetish discussion? Me neither! When did that happen, anyway? Personally, I like it when women sneeze. Oh yeah. Hot.

Theodore lumbered out from whence he came and wiped away a tear. “Ah, my little Chase is growing up. Going out and duelling with great beasts of destruction. Your mother and I are very proud that you’re so bravely willing to go on such a suicidal journey. We’re going to miss you terribly.”

“A Golem, Cleffa, Teddiursa and a Phanpy to stand against the legions of enraged Pokémon?” Theodore scoffed, “Not a chance. I may not like these two fellows…”
“And I thought we were just starting to become chums.” I whimpered.

“Before you go though, boy.” Theodore addressed me, “This mobile phone was sent here specifically for you a short while ago.”
“Really?” I gasped, and snatched the phone, “Is it real?” I dropped it to the floor and stepped on it to test its authenticity. A few pieces broke off, including the button for the number 9. Success! It broke just like a real phone should.

Shrugging, we resumed our excellent journey, though Leaves and I quickly discovered that having people walk with you was rather bothersome. Jimmy was walking so slowly you’d be excused for thinking he was actually a large tree in disguise, and Chase had already begun a tirade.

“So where to first, crew?” I cut her off in a loud voice, feeling quite pleased with having a posse. This was my chance to paint the town red! Or failing that, a lovely shade of burgundy.

“Well if I really have to go through with this stupid quest…” Chase muttered, “We might as well visit Meat along the way. He’ll give us a ride to Kurabusu.”
I frowned in great confusion. Meat was going to drive? I tried to picture being the passenger of a car operated by an oversized porkchop who was complaining about the weather.

Chase pointed off in the near distance. I’m fairly certain I could just about make out a building that looked like a small assembly hall of some description. Hadn’t noticed it on my way up, but honestly I wasn’t exactly on an ‘assembly hall hunting extravaganza’ at the time.

I started towards the building, but stopped when I felt a vibration in my pocket. I gasped lightly while snatching out the culprit; the newly acquired mobile phone.
“Damn.” I snapped, “I thought my magic beans were growing.”

I nodded the others off to walk on ahead, and stabbed furiously at the buttons before actually getting the phone to start working.

“It’s Professor Gum, Tony!” he said sternly, “Are you thick or something?”
I pinched a segment of skin before nodding confidently. “Yup, apparently.”

I could hear a voice talking to Gum before he continued. “Ahh, right. Jess wanted to know how Lido’s going?”
I bit my tongue lightly. She actually hadn’t really been doing much for a while now. Her training had come to quite a standstill.
“It’s great!” I gushed, “She’s evolved! …Nine times!”
“Right.” Gum replied flatly, “All exaggerated lies aside, I had to tell you that time for our world is running out!”

“Then why didn’t you call earlier?” I accused.
“Well sorry…” he apologised, “Had a bit of memory loss lately. Did I tell you that the day you left town, something knocked me over the head and sent me right into the lake? Haven’t been quite the same since then…”
Flashback to me being the cause of that accident, resulting in an unconscious professor and the loss of a foreign clock. Bizarre.
Again, an awkward pause. “…Yup. Evolved nine times.”

“Doubtless you’ve heard about the recent Pokémon attacks…” Gum began.
“Better start doubting.” I said with a gulp.
“It doesn’t ring any bells at all?” Gum groaned.
I grinned slightly. “Like Quasimodo with acousticophobia.”

Gum held his prize up high above his head. I can tell because the item collection music from Zelda randomly rang out across the sky.

“I’ve sent out the signal that updates your Pokédex. All taken care of.” He replied proudly. I pulled out my nasty scratchy black Pokédex and eyed it warily. Had Gum actually hacked into it without my knowing? What else could he have accessed within it? Hopefully he didn’t bother looking at the sketch program…
“It’s up to you to make sure this threat doesn’t spread beyond Furudo, Tony… I’m sending the Pokémon carrying the serum now, just hit 9 on your phone to receive it. …Also, please stop doodling breasts on the Pokédex. It’s pretty sad.” He scolded. I bit my tongue, bitter that my artistry had been brought to a screeching halt.

Regardless, I was ready to press 9. Indeed I would remain ready, because my phone of course had lost its 9 button when I tested it out earlier.
“Oh bum.” I gulped, and scanned the keypad nervously. The world was depending on me and this stupid phone was preventing me from fulfilling my duties! A 9! A 9! My kingdom for a 9!

After significant pummelling, the screen was shattered and the aerial was snapped clean off, but still no life-saving Pokémon in sight.

Cautiously, as though I was breaking an important law, I pressed the 8 button instead, hoping for a similar result. Fantastically, a message onscreen declared there was ‘1 BALL 4 TONI’.
“Great!” I cheered. Spelling mistakes aside, it’d do. I confirmed the delivery, and reached into the back of the phone. There was a tiny hole for receiving such things, though it’s possible it was just a hole caused by the amount of ass-kicking it had received. Regardless, after a lengthy struggle I managed to rip the ball out, along with some odd green metal thing. I had been told once it was a ‘motherboard’, but it felt cold and indifferent to me, most unmotherly. I threw it aside, and felt around for a moment for the fatherboard. Nothing. Best to continue.

“Hey, before I forget…” Chase muttered, reaching into her back pocket, “For getting so far in the tournament, I’m supposed to give you this runner-up prize.” She handed me a shiny bronze Pokéball.
“Oh great!” I bubbled.
“A level 73 Exeggcute.” She finished.
“…Oh.” I squeaked, the smile disappearing from my face.
I HATE Exeggcute! They’re so…pointless and stupid! Why bother?? I’ve got a Mareep, who needs some smelly old Exeggcute? I crammed the ball into my right back pocket (the unhappy pocket), hoping never to see it again.

“Whoa, Chase!” he said in a surfer-like voice so cliché you’d think he was voiced by Keanu Reeves (though on our budget, more likely Pauly Shore)

“Didn’t think I’d see you around here in a while.”
“I’ve been trying hard to avoid it.” She said icily, shoving her way into the abode. Meat shrugged and closed the door behind them.
“Well, that’s done!” I said chirpily.
Jimmy rubbed his chin pensively “Though perhaps we should be inside?” he muttered.
“Bulba!” Leaves snapped, rubbing his snout gingerly after having the door slammed on it.

“You’re getting rich off getting people high?” Chase spat, “You sleaze, there’s nothing you won’t do.”
“Baby, the only thing that’s too low for me is the pay!” Meat cackled. Quote of the forever.

“And you’re one to talk, seeing how uncle Theo used to be like the biggest drug dealer in Kurabusu…”
“Shut the hell up!” Chase said furiously, storming off into another room. I wanted to storm off too; lord knows I would have had more fun today had I known that while I was back at the ‘nome Dome.

“I’ve got a concert on tonight, but tomorrow morning, I’ll give you a ride to the city for sure.”
Jimmy’s face lit up upon hearing about the concert. “Perfect!” he said giddily, “That’ll be a great chance for me to teach you a thing or two about the rock and roll, young Meat!”
“Dude, I’m 37…”
“Yes, you see, I was quite the rocker in my younger days!” Jimmy declared, proudly strutting about like some kind of peacock, “I won… that’s right, WON… the under 7’s competitive drumming competition!”
“Really?” I said in awe, “When’d you do that?”
“On my 12th birthday.” He replied, snatching the news article from his pocket with a picture of him holding his trophy while the toddlers around him bawled.

Thanks in part to my extensive past in lighting design, my assistance was invaluable in setting the stage up. I was especially pleased with my contribution, though Meat had been so busy with his stuff he hadn’t even thought to look over at the lighting right behind him. He peered over his shoulder finally, and his eyes bulged (with excitement no doubt!) when he saw what I had done.
“Dude?” he gasped, “What the hell did you do?”
“I rigged all eight of them up, just like you told me!” I said, hurt.
“What’s with all these amplifiers, man?” he groaned, “I told you to rig up the lamps!”
“Oh whoops.” I muttered, biting my tongue, “I thought you said rig up the amps…” I looked nervously over at the wall, where despite all logic I had managed to plug the amplifiers into the lighting circuitboard. “Never you mind, though.” I turned each amp on, and much to my relief, each one had a tiny red light on it that indicated it was turned on. “See? Lighting.”

My moment of technical genius was cut short as Meat’s Jigglypuff, Roll, entered the room. He marched about with his sunglasses and sparkly coat, took a swipe at me and yelled out some indecipherable Jigglypuff threats with a curious British accent, and then exited.
“Umm Meat?” I said quietly, “I think your Jigglypuff just called me a bitch.”

“So what does Rock do, then?” I pointed over to Meat’s Geodude, sitting in the corner and looking mean.
“He sits in the corner and looks mean.” Meat handily confirmed.

Chase shook her head from where she was sitting, as Jimmy snapped his fingers as he strutted along. “Pretty sweet setup here, but it could use a little flashiness, my main man!” Jimmy propped up the cardboard item he had been carrying, revealing it to be something truly terrifying.
“It’s a lifesize cardboard cut-out of me!” he announced proudly. “Look, you can even move the arm up and down so I’m either doing a disco dance or kinda pointing down at the floor.” He fiddled with the arm a couple times, though it wasn’t as exciting as he had made it out to be.

From his place in the kitchen, I could’ve sworn Roll called Meat a rude, vile pig. Though it might’ve just been jiggy jig.

“Just say something, and it’ll give you something better.” Meat explained.
“Really?” Jimmy said, bemused.
Truly? The machine buzzed.
“Huh?” Jimmy grunted in confusion.
Pardon? The machine offered.
“Meat, stop this crap!” Jimmy whimpered.
Inner muscular content, cease this fecal matter!
“It’s saying too many big words!” Jimmy cried.
Don’t like big words, huh? Segregation! Quorum! Tercentenary! Antivivisectionist! Transubstantiation! Iconoclast! Iconoclast!!! ICONOCLAST!!
His eyes filled with tears, Jimmy bolted from the room.

Chase groaned as she buried her face in her hands. “I just know things are going to go pear-shaped…”
As if on cue, a mildly discouraged Jimmy brought out his next prop, an oversized cardboard pear with his face on it.

Meat, Rock and the hallucinogenic image of Elton John were onstage (there’s something I’m not likely to say ever again)

I had to admit, the fake concert was pretty cool; Roll seemed to pull off a rather convincing Elton John. Can’t say I was too sure about the combination of lyrics between him and Meat, though.

“I’m a rocket man…”
“Shut your mouth!”
“Rocket man…”
“Shut your mouth!”

Meanwhile, Rock sat onstage, looking mean, and doing some description of dance that looked more like he had had both feet chopped off. Especially strange to see when he really did have no feet.

I chuckled a bit when Meat began pummelling all the cardboard cut-outs of Jimmy, pleased to see he had in fact made good use of them.

After a little while it was getting a little mellower and I could actually hear again, so I decided I might engage in some small talk with Mareep. After all, I had to make new Pokémon feel welcome. …Well, except that stupid Exeggcute. Stupid stupid stupid.

I peered over at the duo. Leaves was reaching into the waiting pocket of a woman in front of him and Cubone was staring at me, a rotting piece of banana oozing out from his helmet.

I looked back up onstage, and to my shock the illusion of Elton John was now playing piano upside-down on the ceiling. Obviously Haunter was having an off night. Meat looked horrified for a moment, but the audience members seemed pleased with this new occurrence.
“Whoa, Elton flies!”
“I thought only Billy Joel could do that…”

Meat was still looking quite distressed, though. He wasn’t looking at flying Elton though, but Roll, who was still providing the lyrics off to the side.
“What is this?” he bellowed, “This isn’t my Jigglypuff!” He tore off the cloak and, to my shock, underneath was… A STRANGE PINK THING!! ...Yeah, that sounds like a Jigglypuff but it isn’t.

Gum’s latest update…identifies this… as a Whismur… further information… is…unavailable. Spyware detected… FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE!

He barrelled about the stage as the illusion of Elton John began whirling about wildly. Leaves couldn’t stop laughing at the absurd sight and Cubone was among those who thought it was part of the show, jumping up and down excitedly.

Somehow, at that moment I realised I really didn’t need any of those drugs from Chase’s dad.

“What to do, what to do…” I began panicking, mostly distressed that Cubone was spilling rotten banana all over the place

“Oh yeah, the serum!” I pulled it out, but tragically realised I had no syringe with which to inject it. I felt about my pockets desperately hoping that somewhere along the way I had acquired something similar without realising it. And success! Hidden deep within my pockets was the venerable and ever so trustworthy Weedle horn! I hastily pourd the syrum into the horn (so why was it hollow anyway? For plot purposes, I suppose), and wedged a spare Pokéball into it to stop it from leaking. It was a bizarre plan, but it could just work.

“Dude, that guy’s got a tail!”
“Man, you must be seeing things… Just shut up and watch Elton John fly.”

I felt it hit something, but to my chagrin, when I looked up it was Jimmy pierced in the leg, and he tumbled to the floor.
“That was pretty nice…” he muttered cheerfully.
“Whoopsy.” I gulped. The Whismur leapt atop his back, and I decided to try another blind swiping rage while it was distracted. After a couple swings, I felt impact. When I looked up, the pink troublemaker was stumbling about. It fell to the floor, and I shot a triumphant fist to the air.
“Yeah!” I hollered, “I got it!”

“Oh my god, you’ve killed Troubleclef!!” Chase wailed. I slapped my head, cursing my poor skills at distinguishing the difference between a Cleffa and a Whismur.

“Screw this.” I snapped, and grabbed the walkman from my pocket. I wrapped the headphones tightly around the horn, swung it around a few times and then flung it towards the Whismur. Its eyes widened as the makeshift hammer throw event was headed right for it.
Tragically, just before connecting, Meat marched up to catch the Whismur, and instead caught the Weedle horn in the rear.
“Aww Hölle!” I whined, stamping my foot on the floor.

An almighty roar rose from the crowd. It no doubt was an exciting series of events, but when I looked back towards the stage, I found that it was the Elton John image that was getting the ovation, spinning at a rapid pace upside down, and now completely in the nude.

…What in the hell was Haunter’s problem, anyhow?

Meat held a cup of coffee in his shaking hand as he eyed the invoice he had gotten just minutes earlier. It was the next morning, and everyone was getting ready to leave.
“What’s it for, anyway?” I asked meekly.
“I’m getting sued!” Meat spat bitterly, “Apparently Muse did the exact same performance back in October!”
“What?” I gasped, “So you’re telling me they got attacked by a Whismur while a naked illusion of Elton John span on the ceiling?”
“Well, not exactly.” Meat replied, shaking his head, “It was actually a Clefable at their concert, and they had the real Elton John spinning naked on the ceiling.”
“Damnation!” I snapped, “Their innovation never ceases to amaze me…”

I sighed deeply, and sat down at the table.
“So what’re you so bummed about then?” Meat asked, resting an arm on his knee.
“It’s just… I worked so hard in the ‘nome Dome, fought through all those battles, and what do I get? An Exeggcute. A lousy, level 73 Exeggcute.”
“Well, what’s wrong with it?” Meat queried.
“I don’t like Exeggcutes.” I muttered.
“Yeah so? Maybe this one will be different. Maybe this is going to be the Exeggcute to turn you around, make you a believer. I think that in an ideal world, you could love something purely because of what it is.”
“…Yeah?” I sniffed.
“Exactly. And either way, there’s nothing really wrong with it. An Exeggcute is pretty strong, and at level 73 it could really turn your team around. In fact, I think this could be just what makes you a master trainer!!”
“Yeah!” I shouted proudly, “I just never gave it a chance! I’m looking forward to training my Exeggcute! …But first… Where the hell is it?”
Jimmy then burst into the room with a frying pan. “Made breakfast before we go.”
I looked into the pan, to see what Jimmy had made…

…And I turned pale.

That was entertaining as frell. Awesome chapter, there. ^^

[Gavin Luper]

“I’m getting sued!” Meat spat bitterly, “Apparently Muse did the exact same performance back in October!”
“What?” I gasped, “So you’re telling me they got attacked by a Whismur while a naked illusion of Elton John span on the ceiling?”
“Well, not exactly.” Meat replied, shaking his head, “It was actually a Clefable at their concert, and they had the real Elton John spinning naked on the ceiling.”
“Damnation!” I snapped, “Their innovation never ceases to amaze me…”

Hullo. I'm not a reader exactly, but I was skimming and that cracked me up. I so need to read this fic at some point dude.

Anyhoo - cheers!

[Drago]

Sike Saner: Hehe, I'm quite glad you enjoyed that chapter! Also happy to note that a few of those things you listed was new stuff - good to know I'm still throwing in some good stuff.
Gavin Luper: Thanks for reading, Gav! That quote is one of those new things I mentioned... And yeah, you most definitely should read this fic! I'm a fairly big fan, myself. Hehe.

Anyhow, another long unnecessary pause, I know. There wasn't much modification on this chapter though (mostly because I liked the way I had written Nikki to begin with), so theoretically I can get cracking on the next chapter sooner rather than later.

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Twenty Forks
Oh CURSES!!

A wide grin spread across my face as Meat’s motorbike sped on, bouncing wildly across each mound and ridge. Miraculously, all five of us fit on, although the unfortunate Leaves was left clutching onto Jimmy’s head, screaming all the way. We had nearly arrived a Kurabusu and I couldn’t contain my excitement.
“YES!” I shot up with a cheer, and a huge black bug navigated a kamikaze down my gob. I wheezed, whirled around and coughed it out at Leaves. He frowned at it planted on his nose for a moment, before just licking it up and eating it. It still amazes me just how grotesque that Bulb-is-sore can be.

Meat slowed the bike and we hopped off merrily. A bit early in my case, and I ended up with a mouthful of dirt. Meat gazed up at the sky warily, and then looked over towards a small, non-descript black tent.
“That’s the gym right there guys.” He said quietly, “But I’ve heard that some freaky stuff goes on down there…”
“Well, freaky stuff goes on up here, too.” I muttered, brushing myself off, “And it doesn’t stop me.”
He shrugged, we said our goodbyes, and he sped off into the distance. It wasn’t exactly a dramatic riding off into the horizon, though, seeing as we could see him the entire way back to his place. He was in fact visible for the next half-hour. Not that I timed it or anything. I just watched it the whole time, giddily pretending that he was actually shrinking as he got further away. I’m odd like that.

Afterwards, I whirled around to face my cohorts, who had been amusing themselves for the last thirty minutes with whatever they could find.
“And here we are!” I cried, “Kurabusu City!” Feeling his impending stare, I peered down at Leaves, who was frowning at me. I cleared my throat. “AGAIN!”
“Would you stop screaming for just a minute and hurry up?” Chase snapped, “I wanna get this over with and get something to eat – there was hardly enough eggs for breakfast.” A brief moment of mourning for the exeggcution of my Exeggcute. On the plus side, they tasted fantastic.
I approached the flap of the tent, blowing lightly in the breeze. It did look quite foreboding.
“This looks like it could be dangerous, guys…” I said with a gulp, and looked up into the sky. I suddenly pointed up frantically. “Hey, look at that!!” I shouted wildly. Jimmy and Chase’s heads whipped upwards, and I took the opportunity to kick Leaves into the tent to check its safety. There was a fading scream from within. The three of us stood there blankly, listening until a thud was heard. Then a pained moan.
“Well then, seems like a lark, doesn’t it?” I grinned enthusiastically as I raced in. To my shock, there was a giant hole in the floor, which I didn’t hesitate to fall down – unwittingly, of course.

After a lengthy spurt of plummeting, I found myself landing headfirst on the floor. My brains more scrambled than my poor Exeggcute, at that point I thought I was Richard Nixon. I shot up afterwards in spritely form (though to this day I still believe myself to be Nixon).
“’tis I!” I cried, “The few, the proud, the ME!” I ignored the throbbing pain in my head, neck and ego, and stamped my foot impatiently, waiting for Jimmy and Chase to follow suit.
“Dare ye enter?” a particularly feminine voice rang through the darkness.
“Umm… I thought I already had…” I gulped, “Perhaps I should exit again, if it makes things easier?”
There was a pause, before someone stepped into the light of a swaying lamp. I raised an eyebrow. She was about seventeen, tall, and had thick red lipstick on, just like every second person I meet seems to. She wore a tight black leather top and a short denim skirt. At worst, she was a rather attractive prostitute. At best… well actually a hot prostitute would be pretty cool.
“Show yourself.” She commanded, and I was quick to oblige. I wandered into the light, and an unusual look crossed her face. It was hard to describe, really, I’d never seen anybody pull such a face at me before. Her gaze was hazy, her lips trembled and her eyebrows raised slowly.
“What?” I muttered, confused, “Is there something on my face?” I smacked myself across the mouth. “Nope, nothing.” She giggled lightly, then continued staring starry-eyed.
“What is it?” I whined, “Leaves? What’s going on?” Leaves suspiciously raised an eyebrow. Well, actually, he doesn’t seem to have any eyebrows. So I suppose he suspiciously attempted to raise an eyebrow.
“H-Hi…” she said finally, “I’m Nikki.”
“Oh, alrighty then.” I replied politely, “Greetings, Nicholas!”
Again, she giggled strangely. “No, it’s short for Nicole.”
“And I’m short for storage purposes.” I shot off in what just may be my best ever quip. Again, her response was this indescribable giggle.
Well this is no good… Why bother trying if she’s going to titter at every single thing I say?
“Anyhoosers, the name’s Tony Chambers, the aim’s… pretty inaccurate.” I confessed, to which she seemed pretty impressed.
“So many fun phrases!” she bubbled, “That’s actually pretty clever…”
“Well, I am a very bright chap.” I said with a flourish, “I went to Harvard, you know.”
“Really?” she said in awe.
“You bet!” I grinned, “They gave me a tour and everything!”
She burst out with laughter and, despite the sweatdrop formulating over my forehead, I didn’t bother stopping her. Despite the fact that that was a true story.
“Although…” I muttered, puzzled, “You look a little familiar. Has my Bulb-is-sore stolen your wallet at some point?”
“Oh…” she said with a blush, “I get that a lot. I’m actually the younger sister of Karen. The Dark-trainer of Johto’s Elite Four, and swimsuit model extraordinaire.”
“Ah yes.” I muttered, “Of course.”
…Karen was in an Elite Four?

A door I hadn’t noticed open to the left of me, and Nikki and I quickly looked in that direction.
“You know Anthony, there’s a back entrance.” Chase grumbled.
“Yeah, no need to dive down holes, big man.” Jimmy added, before he noticed Nikki. An expression crossed his face just like the one she had done previously.
“Excuse us…” he said in a goofy voice, before yanking me off towards a corner.
“Jimmy, you look hungry.” I said with a frown, “You aren’t going to eat her, are you?”
He shook his head so quickly it was a blur. “Tony, you’ve found tha bomb!”
“Oh good.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I was worried it might’ve fallen into the wrong hands after all those years in Mrs. Veshuan’s pillow.
He looked around sneakily, “Stand aside my friend, it’s time for me to use my master pick-up line…” he strutted towards Nikki in a style he assumed to be smooth, though in actuality he looked more like Beastly from Care Bears. He flopped his arm over her shoulder and, in his best Sean Connery voice, asked the infamous question, “Hello sweetheart, would you like to inspect my gadget?”

Nikki didn’t even bother with a facial reaction. As if by instinct, she kicked Jimmy across the gut and then drove her elbow across the back of his neck as he keeled over in pain.
Chase raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t see that coming.” She muttered.
“Me neither…” Jimmy wheezed, tears welling in his eyes.
“So anyway, I take it you’re the gym leader.” Chase continued, “I’m Chase Ginnit, heir to the ‘nome Dome.”
“Nikki.” Nikki responded coldly, looking in Chase’s direction for a brief second, but quick to return her gaze to me.
“And with me is Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.” Chase said with a chuckle, “So is it a bad time to ask for a battle for Chambers? I mean, the kid isn’t bright, but I guess he deserves something for taking such a fall.”
“I think he deserves some respect, for one thing.” Nikki snapped. I felt a horrified chill run through my very existence, anticipating the world to suddenly end.
“Excuse me?” Chase shot back, folding her arms, “I don’t see any reason he deserves my respect.”
“I suppose your respect doesn’t mean all that much anyway.” Nikki chirped. The horrified chill intensified, to the point where a small icicle developed on my nose.
Chase shot one of her most piercing glares. “I’ll have you know, you freak, that I am a highly regarded and much celebrated champion fighter.” She paused for a moment, cracking her knuckles, “Both with and without Pokémon.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” Nikki said with a laugh, “All I see is a pathetic little tramp!”
“Oh gentle Jesus!” I squealed, shielding my eyes from the possibly imaginary hailstorm that seemed to be centralising around me, “I can’t weather this pretend storm!”

Nikki gazed at me sweetly. “Oh Mr. Chambers…” she said softly, “There’s nothing to worry ab-” Her sentence was cut short with a swift slap from Chase across her face. She stood there for a moment, wiped her lip, and a wicked smile crossed her face.
“Now you’re screwed.” She muttered. “You’ve just messed with the understudy of the most powerful witch in Furudo!”
“A witch, huh?” Jimmy leapt up hopefully, “Well, I think I must be the witch, and you’re a bucket of water, ‘coz whenever you’re around, I melt!”
Not at all pondering the absurd femininity of that claim as I indeed was, Nikki casually waved a hand in the direction of Jimmy and Chase. There were a few odd sparkles, and Nikki’s eyes flashed a pale red. A piercing light filled the room, and I shielded my eyes, being driven back by the intense force.
“It’s over 9000!” I wailed.

After a couple seconds it died down. The room echoed with the sounds of Nikki’s cackling, not at all reminiscent of her innocent giggle. I looked across the room and, under the wildly swaying light, I was shocked/horrified/slightly turned on when I saw the result. Jimmy… Chase… they were… One person!
“Oh god!” he… she… heshe gasped, in a bizarre amalgamated voice, “What in the hell did you do?”
“I thought you two fools deserved each other.” Nikki said offhandedly, stretching lazily. Before the profanity-laden response could be said, I cut in.
“People, people, person people, please… I believe we can come to an understanding here. There’s no need for confrontation.”
“What are you on about?” Jimmy and Chase cried, “Look at us!”
“Now listen… Jeice,” I sighed, tapping into my incredible naming intellect, “You were sort of asking for it…” Heshe shot a combination of a cruel/goofy glare at me, and I looked over at Nikki.
“Please, Nikki…” I whined, “I don’t think I’ll get along too well with my cohorts now losing their ability to be plural. I mean, I don’t wanna hang out with a hermaphrodite…” Heshe let out an annoyed groan as I continued, “All I want is a free belt buckle, I didn’t want such a big kafuddle!”
Nikki shrugged. “Well, I suppose I’ll separate them… if they beat me in battle, that is.”
“Alright wench, put yer dukes up!” Jeice snarled, a decidedly Jimmy-esque statement.
“A Pokémon battle.” She snapped, and then looked longingly in my direction. “But I’ll need some time to prepare. Come back tomorrow.”
That was about the best we could hope for. I dragged a furious Jeice out the door, Leaves quick to follow. Of course, he was laughing his head off all the way.
“Don’t worry, I’ll pick up some supplies from the store.” I assured, “Leaves and I are professional cheaters; with some various knick-knacks this one will be in the bag.”
…Or at least, somewhere in the near vicinity of the bag.
********************************
After what could’ve been two hours, Leaves and I returned to the Pokémon Centre where Jeice was waiting for us. Leaves sighed, as though he felt we had just done something completely useless. I dropped my bag on the table, and heshe shot up.
“What did you get?” heshe said anxiously.
“Alrighty then.” I grinned, “The way I saw it, Nikki’s likely going to try to give you another curse, so I got this.” I pulled out a long, silver shaft.
“What is it?” Jeice asked, inspecting it, “A curse protector?”
“Well, not as such…” I muttered, “It’s difficult to find a way to protect against these curses, so I opted to buy a curse warning system. Y’see? You press this button, and it displays a flashing message.”
I pressed said button, and several epilepsy-causing neon lights flashed. “It’s a blindness warning! So if you ever get cursed with blindness, this will tell you!”
Jeice looked at me for a moment.
“So…” heshe said slowly, “You’re saying, that if we go blind… that will tell us.”
“Yup!” I said proudly.
“With flashing colours.”
“Yup!” I repeated, “And best of all, I got it at half price! Marked down from $50!”
“So you payed $25 for that thing?” Jeice groaned.
“Well, no, it was two easy payments of $25. By half price, they meant two halves.”
Jeice shook hiser head, and looked to the floor. “What else?”
“Well, here’s a can of witchaway!” I beamed, proudly pulling out a spray can. I sprayed some in Jeice’s direction, and heshe took a whiff.
“Smells like pine freshener.” Heshe said, raising an eyebrow.
“Damn.” I snapped. “Well, what can you expect? I got it from a hobo in exchange for a kiss.”
Jeice widened hiser eyes. “A kiss where?”
I gulped, and looked down at Leaves, who broke a sweat. “I’d… rather not say.”
“Did you get anything that will actually help?” Jeice grumbled.
“Not really…” I muttered under my breath, “But I did get THIS!” I pulled out a weird, white ball that was letting out a light hissing sound.
“What’s that?” Jeice sighed with disinterest.
“It’s called a ‘smoke ball’.” I muttered, “I don’t know how it works, but I was told it would help if I wanted to end a battle with ease.”
“Are you sure they said with ease?” Jeice gulped, worriedly.
“Well…” I said with a frown, “Maybe he said it with some f’s, but I can’t be sure.”
After many hours of sitting about, weeping about the oncoming loss, and calling me a damned bonehead, Jeice was ready to battle Nikki. Apparently, it was also tomorrow. Time sure flies when you’re talking to a hermaphrodite.

Jeice now stood before the the ominous black tent and took a deep breath. Leaves did the same. Not wanting to be left out, I also took a deep breath, which ended in a very boogery sneeze.
I took a few steps back and then leapt down the hole like Oprah on a baked ham. …Clumsily, but feverishly anxiously.
After much familiar tumbling, I fell right at the feet of Nikki. She was all dressed up in white. She had a long, elaborate white dress, wore a veil over her face and was holding a bouquet of flowers.
“Umm…” I muttered, “Have you just come back from a funeral?” I paused for a moment when I saw the grin on her face. “…A very happy funeral?”
Leaves and Jeice wandered in through the nearby door, and put various looks on their faces. Three consecutive ones, in Jeice’s case.
“And just what is this about?” heshe snapped.
“Well, it’s simple.” Nikki replied, “Should you win, I’ll give Mr. Chambers the buckle, and remove the curse. But if I win… I’ll give Mr. Chambers the buckle…”
“Huzzah!” I cheered.
“And we’ll be wed immediately!” she cried.
“Huzzah!” I cheered.

There was an awkward pause. “…Well?” Jeice muttered, stamping hiser foot, “Aren’t you going to be shocked as to what she said?”
“Well, not really.” I shrugged, “It’s all smiles here.”
“And without further adieu…” Nikki seemed to glide backwards across the floor, “Let’s get this done!” She flung down a black Pokéball and out emerged a plump, purple spiky thing. “What’s that?” I gasped.
“It’s a Gengar!” Jeice answered.
“Go!” Nikki shouted, “Plump Purple Spiky Thing!”
I poked out my tongue. “See?”
“Whatever…” Jeice snapped as heshe held up a Pokéball, “Go! Klepto!”
“Yes!” I whooped, “Go Klep… hang on… THAT’S MY Pokémon!!”
“Well, I thought a Psychic Pokémon would come in handy.” Jeice snapped, “So get to it Natu!” Jeice’s expression suddenly shifted to one of annoyance. “…Even though being Psychic means he’s at a disadvantage to Ghost-types…” then, an offended expression, “Well I thought he’d be okay since it’s also a Poison-type!” heshe shot back at himerself. Talk about self-doubt.
Now the two battlers stood facing each other. There was a dead silence, and a wind seemed to come from out of nowhere to sweep across the field. This is so dramatic! I should make a poem about it…
I stood up tall and put a hand on my chest. “And so it goes… Klepto against the purple thing without a nose.
It fills me with fear… just standing here.
They will soon fight… it will all be all right.
This battle, quite clearly… should only come yearly…
There’s silence, then an echo… like a lizard. …Like a…” I bit my lip. “Gecko.”
Leaves shot an annoyed look at me.
“I shall rhyme no more… For I’m annoying… the Bulb-is-sore.”

Finally, Klepto and Plump Purple Spiky Thing raced at each other. Klepto took flight and chopped through the ghost with his beak. Its eyes widened, and it fell flat on its face.
“Oh my.” I gulped, “Fat… went… SPLAT!”
“Oh my god!” Nikki squealed, “You… you killed my Gengar!”
“Oh no!” Jeice gasped, ignoring the unhealthy amount of oh’s already, “I’m so sorry!!” Heshe then looked suspiciously angry. “Hang on… How can you kill a ghost??”
“Well look at it!” Nikki snapped, “It looks pretty dead.”
I grabbed a forked stick, and poked it. “Feels pretty dead too.” Curiously, I crawled up, and licked one of its spikes. “Blah. Tastes dead.”

Jeice threw down hiser arms, annoyed. Nikki had grabbed a book about ghosts and was frantically flipping through the pages.
“Forget it!” I snapped, “I’ll just continue this myself.” I gingerly picked up the very likely to be dead Plump Purple Spiky Thing and wiggled it around like a plush doll.
“Grr! Grr!” I snarled, and then threw it at full power in Klepto’s direction. “RAAAR!” Klepto’s eyes widened as he was hit with the corpse, and rolled back, unconscious.
“There.” I smirked, and wiped my hands. Jeice looked livid.
“…Oops.” I groaned, “Sorry Kleppers.”

Leaves rolled his eyes and ran onto the battlefield. He looked ready to fight, or at least ready to arm wrestle. Nikki threw down her next Pokéball. Out popped… a weird… bush?
“Yeeaaaaag!” I whimpered, “It’s spaghetti!”
“No…” Nikki replied, looking mysterious, “It’s Spookyghetti…”
“It’s a Tangela, you clods.” Jeice snapped, and pointed Leaves forward, “Now go! Do what you do best!” Leaves nodded, and charged at full speed, past Spookyghetti and towards Nikki. He immediately started frisking her, searching for a wallet.
Jeice groaned, as a sweatdrop appeared on hiser head.
“I meant battle!!” heshe whined, and Leaves (begrudgingly) returned to the battlefield.
“Do what Tony would usually tell you to do!” Jeice commanded.
Leaves began to growl. And growl. And growl. After a couple of minutes, he dug into the ground, looked around sneakily, and pulled out the brass knuckles.
“SAAAAAAAAUR!” he wailed insanely as he hopped towards Spookyghetti, waving his braced fist like a rock on a rope.
Spookyghetti seemed suitably terrified by this bizarre sight, and took off running. They tore about in circles, as everyone watched on with intense interest. Eventually, they had created a ditch so deep I couldn’t even see them.

“That’s it Leaves!” I cheered, “Show them just how well I trained you!” As if on cue, Leaves was thrown out of the ditch, covered with bruises. “Saaur…” he moaned.
“Wh-what happened?” I gasped, as Spookyghetti leapt out. On each of his vines he was brandishing brass knuckles of his own. He looked like a Swiss army knife of brass knuckle wickedness. He eyed off everyone, and then targeted me.
“GEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!” He screeched as he barrelled towards me, flailing his vines around.
I screamed either like a girl or possibly a young woman, and started running. I went through my pockets, looking for some sort of solution to this unfortunate situation.
“Walkman?” I gulped and threw it over my shoulder. It merely bounced off the pursuing beast.
“Tokens?” I attempted and chucked a handful, to no avail.
Finally, I found what I was looking for, and screeched to a stop.
“Mwhahaha!” I cackled insanely, “Now I’ve got it…” I pulled out a CD. “Dean Martin’s Greatest Hits!!”
Spookyghetti looked, well, spooked. I raised the album above my head, then piffed it at Spookyghetti with all my might. It hit him square in the face, and he collapsed to the floor.
“Haha!” I cried, “They don’t call ‘em greatest HITS for nothing!” I bent down to retrieve my beloved album, but my hand was smacked away with a vine. Spookyghetti had gotten to his feet, and was glaring at me furiously. He snatched up the CD and started chomping down on it.
“Noooooo!” I wailed, “You’re eating Dean Martin!” The pursuit began anew. Dammitall!” I groaned, “I just made it mad!”
He opened his mouth, and out came the voice of Dean Martin. “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!”
“And musically talented!” I went back into my pockets and yanked out a ball. That’s it!” I gasped, “I’ll catch it with a Pokéball!” I hurled the ball at Spookyghetti. It bounced off of him and then let out a wild gust of wind. Smoke began billowing from it everywhere, and only then did I realise I had pelted the Smoke Ball at it. After it all cleared away, Spookyghetti was gone.
All eyes were on me as I contemplated exactly what had just transpired.
“Tony…” Jeice said slowly, “Why do you always have to be the centre of attention?”
“Because it’s my goddamn Pokémon adventure!” I snapped.

Nikki let out a doleful sigh and waved her hand at Jeice. There was another bright flash and Jimmy and Chase were once again apart. Nikki dropped down to the floor and began to weep.
“We’ll… just be outside.” Jimmy said awkwardly, as he and Chase wandered out.
I knelt down next to Nikki, and she looked up at me, tears streaming down her face.
“Uh…” I muttered sheepishly, “Sorry for killing all your Pokémon.”
She stopped snivelling for a moment and sighed. “It’s alright…” she said weakly, “Though I guess you should know they were one day away from retirement.”
She reached down and unhooked a belt buckle that had been strapped to her ankle. She handed it to me and I gazed at it dreamily. It was shaped like the mask from Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3 and Scream 4: A Sore Throat.
“I guess I better be heading off…” I muttered as I started to slowly shuffle away. I stepped towards the doorway and then stood there for a couple painful seconds.
“…Tony?” Nikki said quietly, “I want you to know… that… I love you.”

I looked down at the floor for a moment, then turned in her direction.
“Nikki…” I whispered, “I’ve… never said this before… but, in some way… through everything else, and… without any regret… at least, a little bit…
…I love me too.”

I cackled like a maniac and barrelled out the door, Leaves laughing by my side. Yeah, it was cruel. But it was cruel for someone else, which makes it OK.

Nobody ever forget.
I’m Tony Chambers! I travel the world and I leave pandemonium, broken hearts, and Pokémon corpses behind me!

…Meanwhile, on the other side of the world…
Spookyghetti surveyed the strange, unfamiliar surroundings. He wasn’t sure how he got here, or when he got here. The Smoke Ball was sitting next to him, puffing out steam. A huge Kangaskhan marched up to him. It bent down to get face to face with him.
“…Abendessen.” It hissed.
Fortunately, Spookyghetti knew fluent German. “Abendessen?” he muttered, “Supper?” He looked around, “What about supper?”
Kangaskhan edged closer towards him. It pointed at him. “Abendessen.” It repeated. It was drooling at the mouth.
Spookyghetti’s eyes narrowed. “…Aww Hölle.”

[Sike Saner]

XD Poor "Jeice". What an amusing yet also unfortunate but mostly amusing thing to happen to them/him/her that curse was. XD

Any and every Gengar shall henceforth be a "Plump Purple Spiky Thing" in my mind because of that chapter. X3 And Tony siccing the Plump Purple Spiky Thing's corpse on Klepto was very funny. XD

Also great: the Dean Martin CD scene. XD

And speaking of that Tangela, that ending was quite amusing, too. XD

Highlights

Chapter the Twenty Forks

“YES!” I shot up with a cheer, and a huge black bug navigated a kamikaze down my gob. I wheezed, whirled around and coughed it out at Leaves. He frowned at it planted on his nose for a moment, before just licking it up and eating it. It still amazes me just how grotesque that Bulb-is-sore can be.

Meat slowed the bike and we hopped off merrily. A bit early in my case, and I ended up with a mouthful of dirt.

He shrugged, we said our goodbyes, and he sped off into the distance. It wasn’t exactly a dramatic riding off into the horizon, though, seeing as we could see him the entire way back to his place. He was in fact visible for the next half-hour. Not that I timed it or anything. I just watched it the whole time, giddily pretending that he was actually shrinking as he got further away. I’m odd like that.

“I wanna get this over with and get something to eat – there was hardly enough eggs for breakfast.” A brief moment of mourning for the exeggcution of my Exeggcute. On the plus side, they tasted fantastic.

I approached the flap of the tent, blowing lightly in the breeze. It did look quite foreboding.
“This looks like it could be dangerous, guys…” I said with a gulp, and looked up into the sky. I suddenly pointed up frantically. “Hey, look at that!!” I shouted wildly. Jimmy and Chase’s heads whipped upwards, and I took the opportunity to kick Leaves into the tent to check its safety. There was a fading scream from within. The three of us stood there blankly, listening until a thud was heard. Then a pained moan.
“Well then, seems like a lark, doesn’t it?” I grinned enthusiastically as I raced in. To my shock, there was a giant hole in the floor, which I didn’t hesitate to fall down – unwittingly, of course

After a lengthy spurt of plummeting, I found myself landing headfirst on the floor. My brains more scrambled than my poor Exeggcute, at that point I thought I was Richard Nixon. I shot up afterwards in spritely form (though to this day I still believe myself to be Nixon).

“’tis I!” I cried, “The few, the proud, the ME!”

“Dare ye enter?” a particularly feminine voice rang through the darkness.
“Umm… I thought I already had…” I gulped, “Perhaps I should exit again, if it makes things easier?”

There was a pause, before someone stepped into the light of a swaying lamp. I raised an eyebrow. She was about seventeen, tall, and had thick red lipstick on, just like every second person I meet seems to. She wore a tight black leather top and a short denim skirt. At worst, she was a rather attractive prostitute. At best… well actually a hot prostitute would be pretty cool.

Leaves suspiciously raised an eyebrow. Well, actually, he doesn’t seem to have any eyebrows. So I suppose he suspiciously attempted to raise an eyebrow.

“That’s actually pretty clever…”
“Well, I am a very bright chap.” I said with a flourish, “I went to Harvard, you know.”
“Really?” she said in awe.
“You bet!” I grinned, “They gave me a tour and everything!”

“Jimmy, you look hungry.” I said with a frown, “You aren’t going to eat her, are you?”
He shook his head so quickly it was a blur. “Tony, you’ve found tha bomb!”
“Oh good.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I was worried it might’ve fallen into the wrong hands after all those years in Mrs. Veshuan’s pillow.

He looked around sneakily, “Stand aside my friend, it’s time for me to use my master pick-up line…” he strutted towards Nikki in a style he assumed to be smooth, though in actuality he looked more like Beastly from Care Bears. He flopped his arm over her shoulder and, in his best Sean Connery voice, asked the infamous question, “Hello sweetheart, would you like to inspect my gadget?”

Nikki didn’t even bother with a facial reaction. As if by instinct, she kicked Jimmy across the gut and then drove her elbow across the back of his neck as he keeled over in pain.

“Now you’re screwed.” She muttered. “You’ve just messed with the understudy of the most powerful witch in Furudo!”
“A witch, huh?” Jimmy leapt up hopefully, “Well, I think I must be the witch, and you’re a bucket of water, ‘coz whenever you’re around, I melt!”
Not at all pondering the absurd femininity of that claim as I indeed was, Nikki casually waved a hand in the direction of Jimmy and Chase. There were a few odd sparkles, and Nikki’s eyes flashed a pale red. A piercing light filled the room, and I shielded my eyes, being driven back by the intense force.
“It’s over 9000!” I wailed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick up some supplies from the store.” I assured, “Leaves and I are professional cheaters; with some various knick-knacks this one will be in the bag.”
…Or at least, somewhere in the near vicinity of the bag.

“Alrighty then.” I grinned, “The way I saw it, Nikki’s likely going to try to give you another curse, so I got this.” I pulled out a long, silver shaft.
“What is it?” Jeice asked, inspecting it, “A curse protector?”
“Well, not as such…” I muttered, “It’s difficult to find a way to protect against these curses, so I opted to buy a curse warning system. Y’see? You press this button, and it displays a flashing message.”
I pressed said button, and several epilepsy-causing neon lights flashed. “It’s a blindness warning! So if you ever get cursed with blindness, this will tell you!”
Jeice looked at me for a moment.
“So…” heshe said slowly, “You’re saying, that if we go blind… that will tell us.”
“Yup!” I said proudly.
“With flashing colours.”
“Yup!”

“Well, here’s a can of witchaway!” I beamed, proudly pulling out a spray can. I sprayed some in Jeice’s direction, and heshe took a whiff.
“Smells like pine freshener.” Heshe said, raising an eyebrow.
“Damn.” I snapped. “Well, what can you expect? I got it from a hobo in exchange for a kiss.”
Jeice widened hiser eyes. “A kiss where?”
I gulped, and looked down at Leaves, who broke a sweat. “I’d… rather not say.”

“Did you get anything that will actually help?” Jeice grumbled.
“Not really…” I muttered under my breath, “But I did get THIS!” I pulled out a weird, white ball that was letting out a light hissing sound.
“What’s that?” Jeice sighed with disinterest.
“It’s called a ‘smoke ball’.” I muttered, “I don’t know how it works, but I was told it would help if I wanted to end a battle with ease.”
“Are you sure they said with ease?” Jeice gulped, worriedly.
“Well…” I said with a frown, “Maybe he said it with some f’s, but I can’t be sure.”

After many hours of sitting about, weeping about the oncoming loss, and calling me a damned bonehead, Jeice was ready to battle Nikki. Apparently, it was also tomorrow.

Jeice now stood before the the ominous black tent and took a deep breath. Leaves did the same. Not wanting to be left out, I also took a deep breath, which ended in a very boogery sneeze.

I took a few steps back and then leapt down the hole like Oprah on a baked ham. …Clumsily, but feverishly anxiously.

“And without further adieu…” Nikki seemed to glide backwards across the floor, “Let’s get this done!” She flung down a black Pokéball and out emerged a plump, purple spiky thing. “What’s that?” I gasped.
“It’s a Gengar!” Jeice answered.
“Go!” Nikki shouted, “Plump Purple Spiky Thing!”
I poked out my tongue. “See?”

Now the two battlers stood facing each other. There was a dead silence, and a wind seemed to come from out of nowhere to sweep across the field. This is so dramatic! I should make a poem about it…
I stood up tall and put a hand on my chest. “And so it goes… Klepto against the purple thing without a nose.
It fills me with fear… just standing here.
They will soon fight… it will all be all right.
This battle, quite clearly… should only come yearly…
There’s silence, then an echo… like a lizard. …Like a…” I bit my lip. “Gecko.”
Leaves shot an annoyed look at me.
“I shall rhyme no more… For I’m annoying… the Bulb-is-sore.”

Finally, Klepto and Plump Purple Spiky Thing raced at each other. Klepto took flight and chopped through the ghost with his beak. Its eyes widened, and it fell flat on its face.
“Oh my.” I gulped, “Fat… went… SPLAT!”
“Oh my god!” Nikki squealed, “You… you killed my Gengar!”
“Oh no!” Jeice gasped, ignoring the unhealthy amount of oh’s already

“Hang on… How can you kill a ghost??”
“Well look at it!” Nikki snapped, “It looks pretty dead.”
I grabbed a forked stick, and poked it. “Feels pretty dead too.” Curiously, I crawled up, and licked one of its spikes. “Blah. Tastes dead.”

“Forget it!” I snapped, “I’ll just continue this myself.” I gingerly picked up the very likely to be dead Plump Purple Spiky Thing and wiggled it around like a plush doll.
“Grr! Grr!” I snarled, and then threw it at full power in Klepto’s direction. “RAAAR!” Klepto’s eyes widened as he was hit with the corpse, and rolled back, unconscious.
“There.” I smirked, and wiped my hands. Jeice looked livid.
“…Oops.” I groaned, “Sorry Kleppers.”

Leaves rolled his eyes and ran onto the battlefield. He looked ready to fight, or at least ready to arm wrestle. Nikki threw down her next Pokéball. Out popped… a weird… bush?
“Yeeaaaaag!” I whimpered, “It’s spaghetti!”

“Do what Tony would usually tell you to do!” Jeice commanded.
Leaves began to growl. And growl. And growl. After a couple of minutes, he dug into the ground, looked around sneakily, and pulled out the brass knuckles.
“SAAAAAAAAUR!” he wailed insanely as he hopped towards Spookyghetti, waving his braced fist like a rock on a rope.

“That’s it Leaves!” I cheered, “Show them just how well I trained you!” As if on cue, Leaves was thrown out of the ditch, covered with bruises. “Saaur…” he moaned.
“Wh-what happened?” I gasped, as Spookyghetti leapt out. On each of his vines he was brandishing brass knuckles of his own. He looked like a Swiss army knife of brass knuckle wickedness. He eyed off everyone, and then targeted me.
“GEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!” He screeched as he barrelled towards me, flailing his vines around.
I screamed either like a girl or possibly a young woman, and started running. I went through my pockets, looking for some sort of solution to this unfortunate situation.
“Walkman?” I gulped and threw it over my shoulder. It merely bounced off the pursuing beast.
“Tokens?” I attempted and chucked a handful, to no avail.
Finally, I found what I was looking for, and screeched to a stop.
“Mwhahaha!” I cackled insanely, “Now I’ve got it…” I pulled out a CD. “Dean Martin’s Greatest Hits!!”
Spookyghetti looked, well, spooked. I raised the album above my head, then piffed it at Spookyghetti with all my might. It hit him square in the face, and he collapsed to the floor.
“Haha!” I cried, “They don’t call ‘em greatest HITS for nothing!” I bent down to retrieve my beloved album, but my hand was smacked away with a vine. Spookyghetti had gotten to his feet, and was glaring at me furiously. He snatched up the CD and started chomping down on it.
“Noooooo!” I wailed, “You’re eating Dean Martin!” The pursuit began anew. Dammitall!” I groaned, “I just made it mad!”
He opened his mouth, and out came the voice of Dean Martin. “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!”
“And musically talented!”

All eyes were on me as I contemplated exactly what had just transpired.
“Tony…” Jeice said slowly, “Why do you always have to be the centre of attention?”
“Because it’s my goddamn Pokémon adventure!” I snapped.

“Uh…” I muttered sheepishly, “Sorry for killing all your Pokémon.”
She stopped snivelling for a moment and sighed. “It’s alright…” she said weakly, “Though I guess you should know they were one day away from retirement.”

She reached down and unhooked a belt buckle that had been strapped to her ankle. She handed it to me and I gazed at it dreamily. It was shaped like the mask from Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3 and Scream 4: A Sore Throat.

“…Tony?” Nikki said quietly, “I want you to know… that… I love you.”

I looked down at the floor for a moment, then turned in her direction.
“Nikki…” I whispered, “I’ve… never said this before… but, in some way… through everything else, and… without any regret… at least, a little bit…
…I love me too.”

I cackled like a maniac and barrelled out the door, Leaves laughing by my side. Yeah, it was cruel. But it was cruel for someone else, which makes it OK.

Nobody ever forget.
I’m Tony Chambers! I travel the world and I leave pandemonium, broken hearts, and Pokémon corpses behind me!

Spookyghetti surveyed the strange, unfamiliar surroundings. He wasn’t sure how he got here, or when he got here. The Smoke Ball was sitting next to him, puffing out steam. A huge Kangaskhan marched up to him. It bent down to get face to face with him.
“…Abendessen.” It hissed.
Fortunately, Spookyghetti knew fluent German. “Abendessen?” he muttered, “Supper?” He looked around, “What about supper?”
Kangaskhan edged closer towards him. It pointed at him. “Abendessen.” It repeated. It was drooling at the mouth.
Spookyghetti’s eyes narrowed. “…Aww Hölle.”

Boss work on the latest chapter, and congrats on picking up the Funniest Fanficcer award in the latest Silver Pencils! ^^

[Crystalmaster Mike]

Nobody ever forget.
I’m Tony Chambers! I travel the world and I leave pandemonium, broken hearts, and Pokémon corpses behind me!

Boo-yeah!

Well, they always say love makes blind... Didn't know it made deaf too, though.
You let an opportunity slip there, you know. Could have made a fortune selling "Tony HEARTS Nikki" buckles to crazed Shippers. I even have a name for it: "Purple Thingy - Weddingdress" ship. With Leaves and Spookyghetti being the Brassship.

I wonder what strange lands Tony will end up in. The other end of the world, which his speeking problem indicates he originated from?

[Drago]

Finally, I will be able to stop living in the shadow of classic Minty Thrill.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

Well, the fact you went from 0 to 5 stars with it could've been a consolation already, you know.

Nevertheless, congratulations! Now you only need to surpass it in post and page count.

[Drago]

Tempting as it is for me to just mass produce old chapters of Mint, I find myself the victim of my own meticulous style of editing. For this reason, chapters that were once horribly unreadable are now only majorly confounding! Oh yes, there will be blood. But first, there will be the long awaited next chapter of Minty Thrill! What a bit of cheek that is, eh?

Sike: Haha, I'm glad that I could pass on the great concept of the Plump Purple Spiky Thing... Because really, if you had to give a description of Gengar to someone, what else would you say? You can't just say it's a ghost; that could mean anything, and besides, Gengar's ghostlike appearance is minimal at best. So yes... The party of the PPST will unite!!

Mike: I could giddily cycle through the list of possible Mint shipping duos for ages, simply because it's so much fun to try and match those suckers together - Tony/Nikki does indeed have great potential, but I reckon the real money's in Brassshipping. We need to bring back the shipping forum, specifically to explore all of the shipping potential this fic holds... I'm hoping for some hawt Leaves/Kuriputo shipping, personally. <3
Oh and I wouldn't be quite so quick to congratulate me on the rating. I'm fairly sure both of those 5-star votes were... actually made by me. :sweatdrop:

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Twenty-Fifth
License to Thrill

I sneered, as the frustration began leaking out. Leaves glared right back. Unfortunately, he seemed to get the wrong impression from all this constant staring; I wasn’t trying to punk him out or anything, I was simply trying to comprehend one thing.
“…Why ARE you a Bulb-is-sore, anyway?” I cried.
“Bulbasaaaaaaaaaur!” he groaned.
“Well, yeah…” I whined, “Bulb-is-sore is all you can say… but can’t you just come up with something more original?”
Leaves frowned. “Saurabul?” he mumbled uncomfortably.
“Hmm…” I muttered, “Nope.”
“Bulbabul?” he attempted.
“Nuh-uh.” I sighed.
“Fushigidane?” he said with a weird look on his face.
My eyes widened. “Don’t ever do that again.” I snapped.

I turned back to Jimmy and Chase.
“And with that charming intervention completed…” Chase muttered, “Our next stop is Attiles City. To get there, we’ll have to walk through Mt. Madran, that’s something we’re definitely ill-equipped for. Jimmy?” she peered over at Jimmy, “Just what supplies do we have?”
Jimmy frantically shifted through his bag. “…Very little.” He gulped, “About the only helpful thing in here is this giant pack of potato chips.”
As Jimmy rifled through rapidly, there was a loud pop, and chips flew into his face.
“…Alright, now there’s nothing useful.”

Chase sighed. “Well, we’re in luck.” She said nonchalantly, “Just towards the outskirts of Kurabusu, there’s a small complex dedicated to trainers with gym buckles. The more buckles, the more available to you, and its all free. Well, as long as you don’t overstock.”
“I take it we’ll be heading there then?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No.” Chase snorted, “We’ll start doing backflips.”
I shrugged, and attempted a graceful flip from where I was standing, only to headbutt the concrete with a sickening thud.
Jimmy, Chase and Leaves all had a look of shock on their face.
I grinned merrily, spitting out a tooth. “I learnt that one in Russia!”
********************************
After a lengthy walk, or hobble in my case, we stood in front of the building in question. It was only a single floor, but it seemed to stretch on forever. Perhaps they had a lot of acres but only very short beams of wood, or patrons perpetually fearful of even minor heights. I knew I was over-thinking this building, though I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of wood the doors within could be made of.
I furrowed my brow and dashed towards the two glass doors with a mighty roar.
I crashed into them shoulder-first, bounced off and sat on the ground for a moment, before they slid open. Chase groaned, as Jimmy helped me up.
“Well, I thought it had tighter security…” I grumbled, disappointed.

I took a single step inside, and was amazed at what the place actually looked like. Other than the fact that we were in a long hallway, it looked more like a nightclub than a shopping centre.
The walls were of colourful metro theme, and there were only a few windows along the hall. There was a dingy, musty smell to the room and dull lights dotted the ceiling. There were several security personnel ambling along full of self-superiority. They reminded me of bouncers, simply because they were all bald – as any good bouncer should be.
Nervously, I stepped up to a counter, worried that this place had an entry fee, or one of those annoying people who offered to stamp your hand for re-entry.
“Hi.” I said quietly, “I’m Tony Chambers. I’d like a few supplies…”
The guy at the counter, who had a green mohawk and piercings all over his face, raised a pointy eyebrow. He gazed over his shoulder, to a blurry photo with a ‘have you seen this bonehead?’ message.
“You don’t mean Anthony Chambers, the master thief of Dezu City, do you?” he asked suspiciously.
“No.” I muttered, “I don’t believe I do.”
He shrugged. “Well, that’s alright then. Step right on inside.”

I was about to protest, but was shoved through a doorway by Chase. My eyes widened when I saw exactly what I had suspected - a dance floor! Wild neon lights shone across the room and repetitive music with a heavy bassline thumped loudly.
“What’s going on here?” I shouted over the noise, “I thought this was a Pokémart!”
“Yeah, technically…” she said, with a weird grin on her face, “But in order to get the supplies, you have to win a dancing competition.”
“You’re kidding, right?” I grunted, but before I could protest further a spotlight shone directly on me.
“And here is our latest competitor…” a voice boomed, leaving me to wonder why it was that there were so many booming voices lately, “Entrant #24601!!”
Though I was more inclined to shrink into the anonymity of the crowd or just quietly steal a loaf of bread before taking my leave, I found myself gradually being shoved towards a large, round stage.
I landed on the risen floor clumsily and looked around at the crowd. They had all stopped dancing, and were screaming loudly. For dancing? For blood? For Sparta?
I ruffled in my coat uncomfortably for a moment, and contemplated perhaps having someone remove the burn marks from it.
“And his opponent…” the voice continued, as a mountain of a man wearing a muscle shirt and tattered jeans made his way through the crowd (quite literally; he was ripping the limbs off people not quick enough to step aside), “Entrant #19!”
The crowd screamed loudly, and I couldn’t blame them. Standing across from this brute made me want to scream too.

“And…” the commentator roared, “DANCE! DANCE!” The lights suddenly began cycling through more colours than I knew existed as #19 began dancing madly. I raised an eyebrow, and looked over at Jimmy and Chase.
“Dance, idiot!” Chase screeched, “You’re losing!”
“Oh.” I snorted. In my defence, when I woke up this morning it wasn’t with a mind full of choreography should I be pitted in a contest against gigantic gentlemen in neon pants. Nervously, I started doing the monkey. It was… not very impressive.
I was losing the crowd and #19 only seemed to be getting better. He had broken out with some Warren Sapp-styled boogie, bouncing on the spot like a pogo stick. Sure wish I had come up with that.

I knew I had to kick things up a notch. I took a deep breath, and then started shuffling my feet around at an impossible pace. No real sense of coordination present, I decided to begin swinging my fists around furiously.
“GEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAGGG!” I squealed, as I began losing control. The mind was willing! The body was goin’ plain loco! I teetered around the stage, before finally launching towards #19, socking him in the face repeatedly. He shook his head, dazed, before looking at me intensely.
“You’re gonna pay for that, mon cherie!” he snapped, leaving me only a moment to ponder his curious accent before he punched me square in the nose. I held my face tightly. It actually hadn’t hurt as much as I would have expected, though.
“Nice hit, sissy!” I mocked, folding my arms defiantly. Noticing something at my feet, I bent down and scooped my nose off the floor and hastily reaffixed it before continuing my taunt.

He ceased this confidence by scooping me up by the coat, sending a few punches into my gut and then lifting me up above his head. Despite the severity of the situation, I could only sigh. This sort of wackiness seemed to be happening far too often for my taste; flinging me to the floor would have been an incredibly predictable outcome. All going well then, he would just be lifting me to the heavens in a warming gesture of Christian faith.

Nope. Flinging.

I hit the floor with a sickening crack, the likes of which would have shattered the spine of mere mortals, but I was revved up off enthusiasm and some kind of strange plant I had nibbled on that morning, so I popped up with expedience and waggled a disapproving finger at my opponent.
“That was less than polite, my boy!” I scolded, “It’s time to take you… downtown!” I zipped over to his side, and scooped him up off the floor. I would like to claim that what happened next was a glorious fling of my adversary across the room, but in actuality I only got him about three centimetres off the floor. The dude was heavy, and I think I broke my hip. I placed him back down on his feet and hobbled off wearily. I was growing bored of this battle – perhaps he could catch a lift downtown from someone else?

Before I got far, he had lifted me up onto his shoulders again, ready for the final slam of doom and unhappiness. I writhed about in his clutches, but it was no use. I wasn’t escaping his grasp anytime soon – I was a goner!

With that hopeless concept, my tail seemed to take action of its own. It shot out from its unseen position under my coat and coiled itself tightly around his neck. He choked and gasped for a little while, before finally going limp and passing out. After he had hit the floor with a thud, I sat in a bemused position atop him. Some people had a guardian angel. I had a guardian foreign animal appendage.

“And there you have it!” the commentator roared over the sound of the stupefied crowd, “The winner…”
I beamed proudly.
“Of the dance of the Kama Sutra!”
My smile disappeared abruptly.
“Entrant #24601!!”
I shot a fist to the air. “Stay in school, brush your teeth, love your tail, and other such words of encouragement!” I shouted. I bowed to the crowd, and with a flourish, made my way towards the exit. Jimmy and Chase were yelling loudly too for me, but I couldn’t make out what exactly. I’d have to get them to list their commendations once I got outside. I danced about proudly in the grass, and watched on with glee as my adoring fans poured out of the building to meet me.
I smiled widely as I shut my eyes in anticipation of the glorious moment of being torn limb from limb by my admirers as opposed to evil Pokémon or hungry zombies.

Much to my chagrin though, they went right past me. I overheard some of them talking about having to get to a TLC concert or something.
“Wait, don’t leave me!” I wailed, “Take me with you… I could be the new third member? You can call me T-Bizzy! I’m in the hizzy, I swear!” The last of them went by, none of them even stopping to look at me. I fell to my knees, tears in my eyes. My dream of being the next big female R&B artist was shattered.

When I looked back up, Jimmy and Chase were standing before me, looks of annoyance and disappointment in their eyes.
“Chambers!” Chase hissed, “You left without getting any of the supplies!”
“Oh whoops!” I chuckled, “I better head back in and grab those, then…” Then, as if on cue, the lights all turned off and heavy metal sheets slid down across every entrance of the building.
“Great!” Jimmy snapped, “Now what do we do? They’re only open once a week, and I’m not sticking around for that long. We haven’t got any options!”
“I guess we’re just going to head off and friggin’ starve!” Chase spat spitefully. I nodded confidently. It was good to know we at least had a plan.

Before we could make our way, there was a thumping sound against one of the windows. We walked over, as the sound escalated to full-on crashing and banging. Finally, the glass shattered, and after a couple moments, the metallic sheet slid up. Shaking his head furiously, Leaves surfaced from within, and looked up at me innocently.
“You were hiding in there? You cheeky blighter!” I looked down in embarrassment. I hadn’t noticed him missing, but in my defence, there were a fair few plants around I could replace him with if need be.
“Umm, this is bad…” Jimmy said warily, “Now we’ve got a broken window, and your Pokémon’s fingerprints all over the place…”
I eyed Leaves’ claw in confusion. It didn’t seem to me like he had any fingers with which to make prints, but all the same, I was willing to make the best out of a bad situation.
“If we’re gonna get busted, we may as well grab some things anyway.” I kicked aside the last few fragments of glass, “Be back in a mo.”
“All the supplies would probably be locked up in storage now, Tony.” Jimmy warned, “It sure won’t be easy to get in there.”
I grinned sneakily. “Whoever said I wanted things to be easy?”

After climbing inside, I shut the metal sheet behind me and looked around. The lights were all still on, but still no sign of those security guards. Obviously their alarm systems weren’t up to snuff. We ducked behind one of the counters, and formulated a game plan.
“Alright, if we split up, there’s less chance of both of us getting spotted.” I whispered, “We’ll make a warning call, so if one of us gets found, the other one will know. It’ll be something like…” I flapped my arms around frantically like an angry magpie, “CAW CAW CAW!” I crowed loudly. “But remember, only make that sound if one of us gets…”
I gazed up, to find two security guards looking right at us.

I eyed the two of them, horrified. After a few panicked moments, I looked down at Leaves. I began flapping my arms nervously and cawing, but somehow I didn’t think it would help much.
“Get up here!” one of them snapped as they reached down to grab us. In a flash, Leaves leapt up at them, downing them both with one fell swoop of his brass knux.
They fell in a heap, giving me mixed emotions. On the one hand, Leaves had saved us from being caught. On the other hand, he had also assaulted two gigantic bald gentlemen while in the process of breaking and entering.
“Whatever.” I said with a gulp. “Water under the bridge, eh?”
With little more thought, I began undressing one of the guards. Leaves gave me a look of horror, but I just shook my head calmly.
“We can wear their clothes to blend in.” I assured him, “Honest.”

So now I was dressed up in some pretty slick security garb, and Leaves was quite pleased with the shades he had claimed. I peered around the hallway, before my attention turned towards the ventilation system. It wasn’t the kind that was within the ceiling, instead one of those ones that consisted of a huge ugly corridor that only ever seem to exist whenever someone needs to climb into them.
“Righteous.” I said with a nod, “That’ll be a pretty good way of getting around unseen.” I lifted Leaves up, and he yanked the cover off with a heave. It hit the floor with a loud metallic clang, before he sprang from my grasp and crawled up into it.
“My turn now, Leaves!” I commanded, “Use your Vine Whip to pull me up!” I waited there for a couple moments, but no vines seemed to be coming out. “Leaves!” I snapped nervously, “Vine Whip! Now!”

Nothing.

“Leaves!” I said sternly, “You better use that Vine Whip that you’ve never used before and haven’t really made any indication that you’ll ever use, RIGHT NOW!!”

…No dice. I guess I had to take the less stealthy option of dithering around in the hallway. I searched my pocket for something useful like James Bond’s PP7. Unfortunately, I only appeared to be carrying the Weedle horn, a couple Pokéballs and a useless Glock 9mm. No PP7 to speak of. I could only hope that maybe they sold them here somewhere.

I took a couple stealthy steps forward, but a security guard emerged from a room and we were face to face, with a series of problems. I was trying to look inconspicuous, but that was a tad tricky considering I had two unconscious men stripped to their underwear right behind me. Not only was my cover probably blown, but rumours of this sordid ritual would no doubt spread like wildfire.
“What the hell’s-” he began, but was cut short when I desperately threw a secret agent chop at his neck. Marvellously, it worked perfectly. He fell to the floor like a ton of bricks.
“That was lucky…” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“What’s all the noise, Biff?” a deep voice muttered, as another bald guard poked his head out from the room. Panicking, I gave him a swift chop to the neck as well, and he collapsed in a similar fashion.

This was getting a little bit out of hand – I was making quite the collection of unconscious guards, and I wasn’t doing any great shakes for stealth, either. Thinking quickly how to disguise this unconscious congregation, I hastily propped the four of them up so that they were sitting next to each other against the wall. At that moment, another security guard ambled up. He opened his mouth to say something, but I quickly shushed him.
“Slumber party.” I explained. He shrugged and continued on his way.

After he was out of sight, I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and continued down the hallway, pouncing and leaping about, possibly to avoid any possible laser detection systems, possibly because I kept tripping over my tail, but either way. Eventually I neared a door. I can’t explain why, but it just felt like the right one. I kicked it open, and a bemused security guard was sitting on the toilet before me.
“Oh hey…” I grumbled sheepishly, “I just, you know… just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen in.”
“Oh…” he replied, “Okay…”
“You haven’t fallen in, have you?” I asked helpfully.
He looked around the room, before shaking his head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Good.” I said, “If you fall in, you be sure to let me know.” I turned away and stormed down the hallway, groaning in annoyance. Not watching where I was going, I inevitably bumped into yet another guard.
“Hello…” I muttered. His response was an unfriendly grunt.
“Right, so…” I continued, “I’m new here, but I’m sure you can tell.” I pointed up at my head, “My hair hasn’t fallen out yet.” I pointed at my arm, “And the ‘roids haven’t kicked in, either. So anyhow, I was wondering if you could tell me where the storage room is?”
He looked at me quizzically, before pointing to a door at the end of the hallway. “Didn’t you know?” he asked.
“Well no, I didn’t.” I said with a shrug.
“lol,” he cackled, strutting away, “n00b PWNAGE – i roXor. kthnxbye.”

Well that was certainly something, wasn’t it? I wandered up to the door. I found it to be unlocked, which was mildly curious, particularly when you consider the ineptitude of all of these guards I’ve been knocking out so far. I headed through nervously into complete darkness. After a couple steps, the door swung shut behind me, and a light flickered on. A huge fan began to whir in the background, and I blinked rapidly, adjusting to the new light. I was now face to face with a fat man in a chair.
“Come in, Mr. Chambers…” he said in a wheezy, muffled voice. I could’ve sworn I saw a whisp of cotton protruding from his mouth, but that’s likely irrelevant.
I looked behind me, and then back at him. “But I already am in, really.”
“I imagine you think you’re pretty smart.” He said confidently, leaning back, “Thought you could wander around and steal things, huh?” he waved his hand towards a pile of boxes. “Well, there it is. Go on, take it…” a wicked smile crossed his face. “If you can.”
Nervously, I wandered over. After a little hesitation, I reached into a box and grabbed a bottle of Potion.

Again, I looked back at the gentleman, whose smile had completely disappeared.
“Damn.” He said, furrowing his brow, “That was easier than I had hoped.” He attempted to regain his cool, smirking from the corner of his mouth. “Fancy yourself something of a gambler, Mr. Chambers?”
“Well, I play a few rounds of Russian roulette from time to time.” I replied, “I don’t win all that much, but it’s all in good fun.”
“You mock me, do you not?” he said in a low growl.
“I didn’t think I did, but shucks, I’m sorry if I did, mister.” I said earnestly, “So to answer your question, no, I not do. I mean, do not. Or something. Your sentence structure confuses me.”
The grin returned, and he fiddled with his ringed fingers a little. “I like you, kid. I think you’ve got potential. How would you like to work for me, the illustrious Mr. Fat Futty?”
“Fat Fatty?” I muttered, confused, and he shot me an icy glare.
“No, it’s Fat Futty! I’m not a fatty!”
“But you just called yourself a fatty within your own name.”
“No, I called myself fat, not a fatty. You see, there’s a difference.”
“Do tell.”
“Well, besides the extra money I would have to invest on personalized license plates to fit in an extra ‘ty’, there’s also the issue of being both fat and a fatty.”
“But that only depends on how you pronounce the fat itself.”
“Are you suggesting I call myself Fut Fatty?”
“It could turn things around for you.”
“Very well then!” he declared, leaning back, “Fut Fatty it is…”
He raised a clenched, chubby fist. “So the offer stands as this; work for me, and be a part of the greatest underground organisation known to man…”
“You mean the Hare Krishnas?”
Fut Fatty cackled wickedly, “No boy, FOE!”
My face suddenly contorted to a look of utter disbelief. “The Federation… of Evil?” Hold the phone. I thought I made that up when I was under the influence of some ghost Pokémon’s ganja rays. You’re telling me that the fed is for real? That was some seriously crazy stuff; don’t just hold the phone in fact; damn well wrap the cord around its throat and strangle it, because it’s just not making a lick of sense.
“Frankly man, I think I want to refuse your offer that I can’t refuse.” I said in distaste.

With one motion, Fatty released four Pokéballs to the floor. “Don’t think that I don’t know who you are, kid!” Fatty said malevolently, “I may not be very high up on the ladder, but I got connections coming out the wazoo! And silencing you… would make me a very rich man, you see…”
“But you’re already a rich man!” I said, backing away, “I mean, look at you! Nice suit, nice moustache, nice new Fatty outlook on life…”
“I’m afraid that none of this is actually true.” Fatty grumbled in indignation, “I’m actually a janitor. But this will soon end! I’ll splatter your insides around the room… and if I clean it at all, I’ll do a half-assed job!”

The five Pokémon he had released took shape; it was a pack of small… wolfy… things. I pulled out the ‘dex and pointed it in their direction.
Thank you… for using… Pokedex v9.3… from… Oak Laboratories. From the people who brought you… the Frequency Radio Dictator… and… Daft Punk’s Alive tour. …WARNING, your freeware trial… of Snakes & Ladders… will expire in (2) days… Please purchase the full version… to continue your snakey… fun!
I shook it frantically as I tried to gain some useful information. Finally, it offered something mildly relevant. Poochyena, an… RS beast. Please consult your Pokédex… between the operating hours… of 1100 hours… and 1300 hours… Thank you for choosing Oak Laboratories’… Pokédex. We hope this information… has been useful.

“Brilliant.” I snapped. The pathetic offering was bad enough, but I had hardly had a chance to even touch Snakes & Ladders, let alone have anything I’d willingly declare snakey fun. I flung four Pokéballs down and my squad was unleashed into the room. Though three of them appeared ready for action, Klepto immediately whizzed over to the boxes of supplies and began rifling through them. After a few moments, he pulled out a pink ribbon. He flew back over to Mareep, and dropped it at her feet.
“Meep?” she squeaked in confusion. Afterwards, she smiled, and Klepto began to blush. He excitedly flew back over to the boxes, and started looking for more items to bestow upon her.
“Klepto?” I shouted, “Klepto! Get back here now! We need you!”

Two of the Poochyena took this opportunity to charge at Lido, and together were able to overwhelm her, taking her to the floor as she tried desperately to keep them off. A third one went right for Mareep, and though seeing this would surely infuriate Klepto, he was too busy looking through boxes to notice. As I watched the tiny wolves getting the edge over Lido and Mareep, I began to realise their power and ferocity.
“Well not only are they stronger, but unless Klepto gets his head in the game, we’re outnumbered!” I gasped, “We’ll need some kind of… well some kind of miracle to survive this!!”

Hearing this, Cubone looked up at me. He then stared ahead at the final Poochyena approaching him. And, growling and straining, Cubone… began to glow. He flashed a fantastic white, and appeared to be slowly growing before my eyes. It was all very interesting, but it didn’t appear to be doing any good.
“Oh stop that!” I snapped at him, “This is no time to show off!”
Suddenly and unceremoniously, Cubone’s light died down, and he reverted back to his regular size. He shot me an annoyed glare.
“Booooooooooone…” he snarled.

From the boxes there was a loud crash, and to my chagrin I noted that Klepto had tipped the boxes over, and was now trapped under a pile of boxes and broken items. I began to head over that way to help him out, and seeing this, one of the Poochyena previously attending to Lido quickly cut me off and snapped at my ankle, sending me tumbling to the floor, wincing.
“Ack!” I squealed, “Ankle biting little monster!!” Lido immediately came to my aid, but as she was getting that one off of me, the other leapt up onto her back, taking big bites. Cubone was too preoccupied with his own Poochyena to attempt to help, while Mareep was trying her best to get away from the one pursuing her.
“I’m afraid that I’m a tad squeamish, Mr. Chambers…” Fatty said, cringing with each bite the Poochyena laid upon my Pokémon, “And I don’t fancy the concept of getting blood on my fine suit here. So I’ll just allow my dogs to dispose of you by themselves. I bid you good night, Mr. Chambers.”
“Oh, got it.” I muttered between dodging snaps, “Good night Mr. Fatty! I’ll see you in the morning!” He slammed the door behind him, and I could see his miserable fat silhouette obscured behind the frosted glass. Actually, it looked a bit like Alfred Hitchcock’s likeness, which was a little amusing.

Mareep’s Poochyena sent her skidding across the room with a fierce tackle and then, after cackling a little wolfy cackle to itself, turned its sights on me.
“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!” I wailed as it began to charge. It stopped short when another massive crash caught its attention. This time, it was of the massive fan tumbling down to the floor. It just barely avoided it as it rolled by, while another Poochyena’s tail got run over. It yelped in pain, as the fan continued to roll on through, and collided to a stop into the boxes. This knocked the pile over, and Klepto was finally freed.
I turned my head to find out why this had happened, and of course Leaves came lumbering out from the vent, hacking and coughing up dust.
“Advantage, Chambers!” I declared giddily, “I’m going after Fatty!” I ran towards the door Fatty had gone through, but not before taking the opportunity to kick one of the little punkass dogs on my way. Take that, wolfy!!

I tore into the room, and was immediately slammed up against the wall by my throat. Fatty had his stubby fingers wrapped up tightly across my neck, and he was not happy at all.
“You think I can’t fight for myself?” he shouted, his hands shaking with rage, “Huh??” He flicked his head briefly back towards the battle raging on. His voice was wavering, and he seemed to be losing his breath. “Don’t you see, Mr. Chambers? Even with your little additions, your pathetic animals don’t stand a chance against my wolves – you hear me?” His voice was up to a screaming pitch now, and his face was bright red, “They ain’t got nothing!!”
“Oh crap…” I croaked out, trying desperately to pry him off, “I forgot to try the serum on those suckers… I’ve got to get back in there and mellow them out with the serum!”
“That would’ve been a nice plan…” Fatty grumbled, “If you hadn’t just told me.”
“Aww Hölle!” I whimpered, “You were listening to that? That wasn’t for you to hear! That was a monologue, you big fat cheater!”
His grip tightened with those words.
“Sorry, sorry…” I muttered, “Big fut cheater.”
“So I’m a cheater, huh?” he hissed, “What are you gonna do about it, kid?”
Though my face was turning purple by now, a smile formed that seemed out of place.
“I’ll just prove to you that I’m a bigger… futter… cheater than you!” I croaked, and with that, I thrust the Weedle horn, unnoticed in the grasp of my tail, right into his rear end. He squealed in pain and fell to the floor, moaning. Finally freed, I fell to my knees and panted for a little bit. I hate being strangled by big fat mafia guys. It’s rarely ever any fun.

I limped back into the other room, where indeed even with their superior numbers; my guys were still getting handled by the swift, powerful Poochyena. I hastily poured some serum into the Weedle horn. I placed the pointy end in my mouth like a funnel, and then ran into the middle room, spinning around. I blew as hard as I could, and the serum sprayed around the room like some kind of zany fountain of good vibes. It came into contact with all the Pokémon in the room, and the fighting came to a halt.
“Yes!” I cheered, “I’ve calmed down team Star Wolf!” I then took note that my Pokémon were also dazed and tripping over, feeling the effects. “And I guess I chilled out my Pogeys as well…” I felt my eyelids droop, and a dopey smile crossed my face. I looked down at one of the Poochyena, and it looked back up at me with its big, bloodshot eyes.
“Hey. Man. Let me tell you something.” I said warmly, kneeling down by its side, “I love you.”
It looked at me for a moment, before smiling back. “Yes?” it asked.
“Yeah.” I replied, nodding happily.
“Well I love you too.” It declared, and we shared a happy embrace, laughing in each other’s arms.

I was snapped out of my groovy session by the sudden realisation that Fatty was still in the other room. I shook off the love as best I could, and made my orders to my newfound legion.
“Poochyena!” I said as assertively as I could. They all looked up at me attentively. “Surround the fat, ugly guy!” They all nodded, and began to circle around me. I fell to the floor in annoyance, before pointing towards the room Fatty was in. “THAT fat, ugly guy!” Obediently, they started circling around Fut Fatty, snarling and snapping at him every time he tried to make a move.
“Sweetness,” I muttered, dialling a number into my phone, “I think the proper authorities would be very interested to know about Fatty’s connections with FOE… I mean, I’ve got no way of proving anything I guess, but I reckon the body language of these Poochyena oughta tip them off. You’ll let them know what happened, right guys?”
One of the Poochyena looked over my way, and nodded confidently. “Poo!” it barked.
“Hahaha!!” I giggled with glee, “You said ‘poo’!”
********************************
Concealed in the shadows of the night (a fancy way of saying we were standing in a particularly dark area), we watched from a safe distance as the cops were escorting Fat Futty from the building. The Poochyena were barking something to some of the police dogs there, no doubt explaining what went down, or at least discussing how wicked awesome I’d be as TLC’s third member (fingers crossed!)
“So it all worked out fine.” I said with a happy sigh, “I told the Poochyena to keep an eye on Fatty.”
Jimmy and Chase nodded.
“I called the police, and let them know that there was a criminal in the Pokémart.”
Jimmy and Chase nodded.
“And I got out of there without a trace, and just the claims of a few security guards against me. But they’re bald, so it’s not like they’ll be believed.”
Jimmy and Chase nodded.
“So then, everything turned out great!”
Jimmy and Chase shook their heads flatly.
“What?” I whined, “What did I do wrong?”
“Alright, let me make this brief, because my urge to kill you is at an all-time paramount.” Chase said in a voice filled with contempt, “You broke in there, wandered around the whole place, and went directly into the storage room…

And yet you didn’t think to actually take any of the supplies.”

“Well yes, but.” I started. Nope. Trying that again. “You see, the thing is…” Still wasn’t quite right. As the horrid truth sunk in, I finally formed the words most appropriate. “AWW HöLLE!”

…Yes, those are the words I was looking for.

[Sike Saner]

First of all, the toilet scene was very funny. XD

Also funny: Fat Futty. Or Fut Fatty. I can't say either version of that name without being amused. XD I was also very amused by Tony calling him fat and then amending that statement and calling him fut instead. XD

I liked how that we were led to believe that we were about to get ye olde "tide-turning evolution in the middle of a battle"--and then Tony went and quickly put a stop to that. XD

And I may never look at POOchyena the same way again. XD

Highlights

“…Why ARE you a Bulb-is-sore, anyway?” I cried.
“Bulbasaaaaaaaaaur!” he groaned.
“Well, yeah…” I whined, “Bulb-is-sore is all you can say… but can’t you just come up with something more original?”
Leaves frowned. “Saurabul?” he mumbled uncomfortably.
“Hmm…” I muttered, “Nope.”
“Bulbabul?” he attempted.
“Nuh-uh.” I sighed.
“Fushigidane?”

“Just what supplies do we have?”
Jimmy frantically shifted through his bag. “…Very little.” He gulped, “About the only helpful thing in here is this giant pack of potato chips.”
As Jimmy rifled through rapidly, there was a loud pop, and chips flew into his face.
“…Alright, now there’s nothing useful.”

“Just towards the outskirts of Kurabusu, there’s a small complex dedicated to trainers with gym buckles. The more buckles, the more available to you, and its all free. Well, as long as you don’t overstock.”
“I take it we’ll be heading there then?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No.” Chase snorted, “We’ll start doing backflips.”
I shrugged, and attempted a graceful flip from where I was standing, only to headbutt the concrete with a sickening thud.
Jimmy, Chase and Leaves all had a look of shock on their face.
I grinned merrily, spitting out a tooth. “I learnt that one in Russia!”

They reminded me of bouncers, simply because they were all bald – as any good bouncer should be.

In my defence, when I woke up this morning it wasn’t with a mind full of choreography should I be pitted in a contest against gigantic gentlemen in neon pants.

I knew I had to kick things up a notch. I took a deep breath, and then started shuffling my feet around at an impossible pace. No real sense of coordination present, I decided to begin swinging my fists around furiously.
“GEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAGGG!” I squealed, as I began losing control.

“That was less than polite, my boy!” I scolded, “It’s time to take you… downtown!” I zipped over to his side, and scooped him up off the floor. I would like to claim that what happened next was a glorious fling of my adversary across the room, but in actuality I only got him about three centimetres off the floor. The dude was heavy, and I think I broke my hip.

With that hopeless concept, my tail seemed to take action of its own. It shot out from its unseen position under my coat and coiled itself tightly around his neck. He choked and gasped for a little while, before finally going limp and passing out. After he had hit the floor with a thud, I sat in a bemused position atop him. Some people had a guardian angel. I had a guardian foreign animal appendage.

I fell to my knees, tears in my eyes. My dream of being the next big female R&B artist was shattered.

“I guess we’re just going to head off and friggin’ starve!” Chase spat spitefully. I nodded confidently. It was good to know we at least had a plan.

“Alright, if we split up, there’s less chance of both of us getting spotted.” I whispered, “We’ll make a warning call, so if one of us gets found, the other one will know. It’ll be something like…” I flapped my arms around frantically like an angry magpie, “CAW CAW CAW!” I crowed loudly. “But remember, only make that sound if one of us gets…”
I gazed up, to find two security guards looking right at us.

I was trying to look inconspicuous, but that was a tad tricky considering I had two unconscious men stripped to their underwear right behind me. Not only was my cover probably blown, but rumours of this sordid ritual would no doubt spread like wildfire.

After he was out of sight, I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and continued down the hallway, pouncing and leaping about, possibly to avoid any possible laser detection systems, possibly because I kept tripping over my tail, but either way.

Eventually I neared a door. I can’t explain why, but it just felt like the right one. I kicked it open, and a bemused security guard was sitting on the toilet before me.
“Oh hey…” I grumbled sheepishly, “I just, you know… just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen in.”
“Oh…” he replied, “Okay…”
“You haven’t fallen in, have you?” I asked helpfully.
He looked around the room, before shaking his head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Good.” I said, “If you fall in, you be sure to let me know.”

“I like you, kid. I think you’ve got potential. How would you like to work for me, the illustrious Mr. Fat Futty?”
“Fat Fatty?” I muttered, confused, and he shot me an icy glare.
“No, it’s Fat Futty! I’m not a fatty!”
“But you just called yourself a fatty within your own name.”
“No, I called myself fat, not a fatty. You see, there’s a difference.
“Do tell.”
“Well, besides the extra money I would have to invest on personalized license plates to fit in an extra ‘ty’, there’s also the issue of being both fat and a fatty.”
“But that only depends on how you pronounce the fat itself.”
“Are you suggesting I call myself Fut Fatty?”
“It could turn things around for you.”
“Very well then!” he declared, leaning back, “Fut Fatty it is…”

“But you’re already a rich man!” I said, backing away, “I mean, look at you! Nice suit, nice moustache, nice new Fatty outlook on life…”
“I’m afraid that none of this is actually true.” Fatty grumbled in indignation, “I’m actually a janitor. But this will soon end! I’ll splatter your insides around the room… and if I clean it at all, I’ll do a half-assed job!”

Thank you… for using… Pokedex v9.3… from… Oak Laboratories. From the people who brought you… the Frequency Radio Dictator… and… Daft Punk’s Alive tour. …WARNING, your freeware trial… of Snakes & Ladders… will expire in (2) days… Please purchase the full version… to continue your snakey… fun!

“Brilliant.” I snapped. The pathetic offering was bad enough, but I had hardly had a chance to even touch Snakes & Ladders, let alone have anything I’d willingly declare snakey fun.

“We’ll need some kind of… well some kind of miracle to survive this!!”

Hearing this, Cubone looked up at me. He then stared ahead at the final Poochyena approaching him. And, growling and straining, Cubone… began to glow. He flashed a fantastic white, and appeared to be slowly growing before my eyes. It was all very interesting, but it didn’t appear to be doing any good.
“Oh stop that!” I snapped at him, “This is no time to show off!”
Suddenly and unceremoniously, Cubone’s light died down, and he reverted back to his regular size. He shot me an annoyed glare.
“Booooooooooone…” he snarled.

He slammed the door behind him, and I could see his miserable fat silhouette obscured behind the frosted glass. Actually, it looked a bit like Alfred Hitchcock’s likeness, which was a little amusing.

“Oh crap…” I croaked out, trying desperately to pry him off, “I forgot to try the serum on those suckers… I’ve got to get back in there and mellow them out with the serum!”
“That would’ve been a nice plan…” Fatty grumbled, “If you hadn’t just told me.”
“Aww Hölle!” I whimpered, “You were listening to that? That wasn’t for you to hear! That was a monologue, you big fat cheater!”
His grip tightened with those words.
“Sorry, sorry…” I muttered, “Big fut cheater.”
“So I’m a cheater, huh?” he hissed, “What are you gonna do about it, kid?”
Though my face was turning purple by now, a smile formed that seemed out of place.
“I’ll just prove to you that I’m a bigger… futter… cheater than you!”

One of the Poochyena looked over my way, and nodded confidently. “Poo!” it barked.
“Hahaha!!” I giggled with glee, “You said ‘poo’!”

“What?” I whined, “What did I do wrong?”
“Alright, let me make this brief, because my urge to kill you is at an all-time paramount.” Chase said in a voice filled with contempt, “You broke in there, wandered around the whole place, and went directly into the storage room…

And yet you didn’t think to actually take any of the supplies.”

“Well yes, but.” I started. Nope. Trying that again. “You see, the thing is…” Still wasn’t quite right. As the horrid truth sunk in, I finally formed the words most appropriate. “AWW HöLLE!”

Congrats on another enjoyable chapter! ^^

[Drago]

Feeling an urge to write, I began to pen (and by pen I mean keyboard) something new: a fanfic detailing the aftermath of Tony's Times, and the new adventures our lovable friend Tony Chambers had in a new world.

However, that felt awkward, considering Minty Thrill had been left twice unfinished, and had more loose ends than a diarrhea convention.

So we press onwards! It's been more than two years, but I'm sure that just means that the story has aged like a fine wine, or a delicious biscuit that had fell behind the couch.

Take a sip. Take a bite. Take a Minty Thrill!!

MINTY THRILL
Chapter the Hungerer, Chapter the Hungary, Chapter the Twenty-Sixth
Nitty Gritty, Little Skitty

“So, Maury finally declared it wasn’t James Bond’s baby. After the show, Bond was talking to his associates, yeah. So, one of ‘em says, ‘tell me, Bond, you weren’t breaking a sweat in there. How did you know it was not your child?’ And Bond says, ‘Simple, my dear friend. …I always wear… A BONDOM!!”

Jimmy looked between Chase and I with anticipation. He had just finished telling us what just might’ve been the longest and most convoluted James Bond joke in existence. The punchline made sense, but what was with the dance off at the half-hour mark?

“Tell me, Jim.” Chase grumbled, “Where did you hear that crappy excuse for a joke from?”

Jimmy frowned bitterly. “Well, I liked it.” he huffed, shifting his balance onto one foot, “And I read it off the back of a cereal box.”

“All that?” I gasped, “From one cereal box?”

“…Well…” Jimmy continued, “Sort of. I changed the details slightly.” A moment’s anticipation, as we waited for Jimmy to crack and reveal the real joke.
“OK, so all it said was, ‘Which secret agent always has the munchies?’, but I thought it needed a kick! …And a court case. …And a judge named Four-Fingered Flow.”

I felt the need to go through the motions. “Alright, so which secret agent DOES have the munchies?”

Jimmy looked at me with a wild grin, “James Bong!!” he blurted, posing proudly as an epic wind whipped around him.

Chase and Leaves groaned at the joke as though it was tasteless. Just can’t please some people, I guess.

“Well, in any event, that first joke was a bit longer than necessary…” I muttered, “I mean, it’s…” I looked up at the sky, and my jaw dropped with disbelief, “Daytime??”

“You’re telling me that that joke took nine hours??” Chase gasped.

“Hm.” Jimmy chuckled, “I suppose I shouldn’t have included the meaning of life in it.” He paused for a moment. “Twice.”

The tense moment and inevitable death of Jimmy were cut short when there was a vibration in my pocket. The kind that always happens in awkward situations. It was embarrassing for everyone involved.
Annoyed, I reached into my pocket, and pulled out Cubone’s Pokéball. I threw it to the ground and Cubone came out in a bright flash, disoriented in this early hour. He dragged his bone against the dirt and rubbed his eye sleepily.

“Cubone,” I scolded as I waggled my finger at him, “How many times have I told you not to shake around in my pocket while I’m busy? It’s rude, and impolite, and impenetrable, and-” Again, the vibration in my pocket.
“Ack!” I exclaimed, “You’re still doing it! That’s an awfully cheeky trick of you to do. It’s like… vibration ventriloquism, as t’wer.”

Bemused, I reached into my back pocket, and pulled out the mobile phone. It was vibrating in a decidedly Cubonesque manner.

“Whoops,” I muttered, returning the disoriented dirt clod to his Pokéball, “Sorry Cueball.”

I pressed a button, and brought the phone up to my face. “Tony Chambers, I don’t do windows, but I’ll do lunch anytime!”

“Chambers!” Came the angry reply from the other end. Disgusted, I lowered the phone. It was too much to assume it was someone wishing to discuss dungeon accommodation. Methinks it was actually Mr. Michaels, whom I hadn’t spoken to for a while. A very happy while.

“Hello Mr. Michaels darling,” I said drolly, “How’s the wife and kids?”

“I’m single, you filthy little sweatsock!” Mr. Michaels snarled in response.

“And you’re going to remain that way for a very long time if you refer to your most beloved tenant as an article of sports clothing!” I said in an accusatory tone.

“Favourite tenant? I love you like a toe loves a hangnail!!”

“Well, Mr. Michaels… Just as long as you’re the toe I choose to cling to, be it as a hangnail or a sweatsock…”

There was a long period of silence. “I hate it when you do that.” Mr. Michaels grunted finally.

“So whatever do you call for?” I continued, “Bought a new pair of especially large, smelly trousers that you couldn’t wait to tell me about?”

“What?” he spat, “Of course not.”

“Ah, shame.” I sighed with disappointment, “Couldn’t we discuss these trousers anyway?”

“There are no trousers!!”

I gasped. “What did you do with them?”

“I NEVER HAD ANY TROUSERS!” Michaels wailed.

“Then put some pants on, fatty!” I said suddenly with a giggle, and then hung up. After a few seconds, it dawned on me exactly what I had done. …Son of a bitch, I had forgotten that that wasn’t a prank call.

Beads of sweat began developing upon my forehead, a feeling of impending doom awash over me. Then, finally, the phone began to rang again. I feared that answering it would result in the combustion of my head, but I had the heart of a champion.
I keep it in my closet back at the apartment. Couldn’t afford losing that. So I answered.

“Thank you for calling the Mr. Michaels fan club, this is Tony speaking, how may we Michaels your day?”

“Chambers…” he said slowly, in strangely hushed tones, “Someday, you will think that the world is safe. You will have faith in humanity. You will sleep well at night. …And when that day comes…” A long pause. “I will sit on your face until you are dead.”

Terror successfully stricken.

“Now then, to business.” Michaels proceeded, “I finally got the Pokémon warp thing you wanted.”

“Wha?” I muttered in disbelief, “You don’t mean…”

“You know it! Now you can send me the excess Pokémon and I’ll put ‘em in your room. The money will come rolling in! And don’t you even think about trying to stiff me that fantastic wishing Pokémon, you bastard! Now get to it!”

And with that, the conversation was over. Although I could have sworn I heard Michaels quietly saying something about wishing for a pony just before he hung up.

Fact of the matter was, Michaels wanted Pokémon. Lots of Pokémon. I only had five. Even if I had cut each of them in half, I would only have ten. The severity of the situation was weighing on me heavily as I approached Leaves.

At this point, he was stamping and hopping about the ground in a curious manner. I watched on as a few small ants frantically scrambled towards their ant hill. With a few swipes of the claw, Leaves had swept them all away. Now, he began pacing about the tiny ant hill triumphantly. Apparently, he had claimed it as his own.

In the near distance, Mt. Madran loomed.

“Well, Leaves… I hope you’re feeling as confident about the hill ahead of us.”
********************************
Finally, after much inconvenient hassle, we were ready to tackle Mt. Madran. Figuratively, because literally tackling the mountain had no effect, other than a separated shoulder.

It seemed as though having to scale the mountain was unavoidable, as attempts to walk around through the surrounding brush resulted in poison ivy rashes and ambushes from insurance salesmen. Additionally, through through that course of exploration, Leaves had assaulted a group of pesky lawyers, amassing no less than three lawsuits. Somehow, he even managed to have my marriage annulled, which was disappointing.

“So how long do you think it’ll take to get through this thing?” Chase asked.

Jimmy thought for a moment. “Hard to say. I think we have to take that path around the mountain up to the top, and then we go into some sort of cave thing, and make our way back down from there.”

“Hang on, why don’t we just follow the path to the other side, and then climb down? Seems dumb to bother going all the way to the top just to have to come down again.”

“Nah you see, there’s a rocky crag that juts out the other side of the mountain. It surrounds the path over on that side, so you have to go all the way up.”

“Argggghhh!!” I bellowed wildly, “Enough discussion! Enough discourse! At this rate, Chase will grow a beard before we get past this stupid rock!”

Chase responded to this remark by kicking me square in the face. Which was painful at first, but then resulted in lots of lovely shapes and colours dancing in front of my face, and that was nice.

The others began walking, and I shook off my feeling of euphoria, hoping that I could save some for later. I ran up between them, took their hands, and began to skip merrily.

“We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oooooooooooooooooozzzz!!”

Jimmy looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. “The wonderful wizard of Ooze?”

“No, I said Oz!”

“No you didn’t! There were far too many o’s in there.”

“How dare you accuse me of a surfeit of o’s! I was prolonging the note!”

“You couldn’t prolong a note if your life depended on it!”

I shot Jimmy a look of intense hatred. “Just for that, I’m making you Toto, bitch.”

Chase let out an annoyed screech, wrenching her hand free and storming forward.

“Hm. I guess she wanted to be Toto?”

Jimmy and I walked for a few steps, before I realised we were still holding hands. We both pulled our hands away as though they were now infected. Sure hope nobody saw that.

Up around the corner, there was another shriek from Chase. Not exactly quickening our pace, Jimmy and I eventually rounded the corner and saw Chase lambasting a tall, lanky fellow.

“So sorry!” he babbled, his hands flailing wildly, “So very sorry!”

He looked over at me, his eyes bulging, and ran in my direction. He plonked a Pokéball into my hand.

“Take it! Please just take this thing away from meeeee!” he wailed, before leaping off the edge of the path. He landed at the foot of the mountain with a sickening thud, before slowly getting up.

“Alright,” he shouted to nobody in particular, “That wasn’t the smartest way to go about it. But still.” He continued running in terror, this time a tad more carefully.

“What was his problem?” Jimmy asked in disbelief.
“Maybe he doesn’t like mountains.” I responded gruffly, before looking at the Pokéball he had given me. “Should I open it?”

“I don’t know about that…” Jimmy said nervously.

“I wouldn’t trust a ball from a freak like that!” said Chase, shaking her head, “Who knows what’s in there? Could be something real bad.”

“Only one way to find out…” I declared, holding the Pokéball up to the air. The others cringed in anticipation. In actuality, I hadn’t quite decided what that one way was. I mean, that one way could be: take it to a professional who will analyse it before giving us an educated opinion.

But that was boring. So instead, I tried to reason with the ball. “Is there something real bad in there?” I shouted at it, “Like, are you… Julia Roberts bad? Or Brendan Fevola bad? Give me answers, ball! Answer me!!”

No response. From this, I surmised that there was something good in there. Like a super rare Pokémon, or delicious candy. All balls should be filled with candy, I reckon.

Suddenly, the ball wriggled about in my hand, before falling to the ground. It burst open in a bright flash. I fell backwards, shocked, as the beast took form. It was a…

*CUT TRANSMISSION*

Hello everyone! My name is George, and I have hair. Many hairs, in fact.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Minty Thrill. Now, I’m afraid that we’re going to have to cut it short, for favour of something better. Buhuhuhuh.

Yes, Minty Thrill… has been canceled.

But never fear, we at the Jamantri Co. studios know what you people want more of, so we’re willing to provide!



…See? A squirrel. Everyone likes the squirrel. Everyone loves the squirrel.

Or maybe two squirrels. Now I have to ask myself, would two squirrels really turn things around for me, or would that just make it seem like we’re trying too hard, hm?

I suppose that will have to wait for a while later… Buhuhuh…

Umm… Aww, crap on crutches! I can’t think of anything. I suppose we’ll have to return to Minty Thrill, unfortunately. I mean, it’s not the best-written thing in the world. For one, what’s with the unnecessary dramatics? We know what’s in the Pokéball. It said what in the TITLE, dammitall!

Oh well. Never fear, for I shall be back sometime soon! BUHUHUHUHHHHHHHH!!

*RESUME TRANSMISSION*

It was a… it was a…

It was a bit brighter than I would’ve liked for it to have been. Nonetheless, I grabbed the Pokédex, and pointed it clumsily at the Pokémon.

…A female… Skitty… it described, It is… another RS… Pokémon. …Now that it is… in your… possession… it would be prudent… to use the serum before… things get…out of hand…

I didn’t like the Pokédex’s many pauses in constructing that sentence. ‘In my… possession’? I sounded like a child abductor. Which was only half true, dammit!

Regardless (because I’ve already said nonetheless), I scooped the shocked Skitty up under my arm, pulled out the Weedle horn, and stabbed it into her belly. She twitched a little, before growling angrily at me.

“I guess I didn’t use enough?” I remarked, and tried again. Another poke. More growling.

“Gaaaah!!” I wailed, “This ain’t working!”

Now I began stabbing frantically at the Skitty like a perverse Michael Myers impersonator. I must have looked quite despicable pricking this tiny kitten with a pointy white implement. I certainly didn’t feel as though I was making any fans in the process.

Quite vexed and full of tiny little holes, the Skitty twisted and turned, and slapped me in the face with her large tail. She scampered up the path ahead, and I rubbed my face gingerly.

“Why didn’t that work, you stupid machine?” I asked the Pokédex. It whirred quietly as it tried to formulate a theory, or an awesome comeback.

The serum was… dissipating before it had entered… the Pokémon. This is likely… due to… Heal Bell. You must immobilise… the Pokémon.

“Very well then, that’s a simple instruction.” I glanced down at Leaves, and flung my arms to the air. “Immobilise the Pokémon!!” I roared.

Alas, Leaves came up with no strategy. I leered at him miserably, and he Leered back. I felt a shiver down my spine as my defence simply plummeted.

“So if it can use Heal Bell, paralysing it won’t do squat.” Jimmy offered, “We’ve got to zonk it out! You got any sleep-inducing moves?”

“Indeed I do!” I declared proudly, reaching into my pocket. I pulled out a packet of sleeping pills, holding it to the sky as a shiny anime background appeared behind me.

I read the instructions. “So all we need to do is make the Skitty take a maximum of two with water every ten hours to regulate drowsiness!” I said triumphantly.

The response was lukewarm, at best. “Or…” I said quickly, shoving the pills back into my coat, “We can see if Klepto has any sleeping attack things…”

I flung Klepto’s Pokéball with great might. Too great, actually, as the ball whizzed right off the cliff face, in a similar fashion to the gentleman from before. Eventually, it rolled to a stop, and Klepto flew up for instructions.

Klepto was ready! Klepto was raring! Klepto was concussed!

“Go get that Skitty!” I commanded, and Klepto promptly shot off in its direction. It was a little bit of an awkward moment, because I hadn’t really specified why he was to be chasing after the Skitty, or what he should do with it.

Soon, he flew back, holding the struggling, meowing Skitty in his talons.

I shook my head. “No, no, no… You put that thing back where you found it.”

Klepto shrugged as much as he could without shoulders, and flew back up the mountain. Finally, I realised that… that wasn’t a prudent idea. Darn it.

Hoping to increase my numbers, thereby increasing my chances of success and make myself feel slightly more popular, I sent out Mareep. We took chase around the mountain, Leaves close behind.

After a few revolutions that we chose not to dance dance around, we had reached the Skitty. She stood over Klepto, who had a massive bump on his noggin and was out cold. Somehow I probably should have realised that pitting a bird Pokémon against a cat Pokémon was not wise. Hopefully a naked sheep Pokémon and a miniature dinosaur plant Pokémon would have better luck.

“Alright, you two take on this thing together! I’m certain that teamwork will overwhelm evil kitty intentions!”

The duo nodded, and tore off towards the Skitty, bumping clumsily into each other along the way. Mareep inadvertently tripped Leaves up, and he responded by leaping at her. The two then rolled about the ground, clawing and biting at one another. Clearly, this was not the sort of teamwork I had hoped to see.

Grinning wickedly, the Skitty faded from view. How did it do that? Was it magical? Did it disconnect?!

It then reappeared, smacking Leaves in the face and cackling to itself. The Pokédex revealed that this was in fact the Skitty’s Faint Attack.

Now, the Skitty set its sights on Mareep. It danced around, and shot Mareep a wink. At first alarmed, Mareep then began to stare intently at the Skitty with a dreamy look in her eyes.

Attract. Declared the Pokédex.

“Hang on, I thought you said it was a female Skitty?” I muttered in confusion, “Whatever. Bi-curious Mareep, use ThunderShock!”

Mareep commenced zapping tiny little bolts of electricity in the Skitty’s direction, who deftly dodged each one. It seemed as though I wouldn’t be able to get the upper hand at this rate.

“Saur!” Leaves shouted suddenly, honestly scaring the living bejeezus out of me. I had forgotten he was there.

“Alright, go get the Skitty while she’s occupied!” I instructed. He ran into the fray, and immediately copped a poorly aimed electric shock from Mareep. He stopped in his tracks, looked back at Mareep in fury, and made a harsh remark of ‘Bulba’.

He turned back in the Skitty’s direction, only to be tackled to the ground in a ferocious Double-Edge assault. I knew that it was Double-Edge, because the Skitty immediately looked as though she had regretted that decision. It had hurt her, too. I don’t know whether the impact had dealt her a blow, or she had hyperextended or something, or it brought up ethical issues, the point is this was an open opportunity.

“Now, Mareep!” I shouted, and she sent off a stronger, larger ray of electricity that connected with its target. The tiny cat swiveled around dizzily.

It was weakened! Now I could capture it! I grabbed a Pokéball, and held it up to the air. I had done that with approximately four things so far today, but it just felt so damn cool.

“Pokéball! I shouted, “Gooooo…” I stopped just short of throwing it when I realised that I already owned the Skitty anyway. Now, I began to ponder what would happen if I attempted to capture something… that I had already caught?

In curiosity, I flicked the ball in Mareep’s direction. She looked at me startled, before being sucked into the Pokéball. It wriggled around appropriately, before the red light dimmed and the ball ceased shaking.

“Oh! It actually works.” I said with surprise, peering at the screen on the Pokédex. On the screen labelled Mareep, it now read that I had captured two, and owned one. Which was nifty, until it processed its own error. The screen shut down, and a flashing crimson ring of light emanated from it.

“No!” I wailed miserably, “Red ring of deaaaaaaaaaaaaattttthhh!!!”

I looked back up. I had forgotten that I was mid-combat, and the Skitty had nearly come to her senses. Frantically, I grabbed the Weedle horn and leapt in the Skitty’s direction.

I hit the ground with a thud. I had missed it entirely. I could feel Leaves judging me with his eyes.

“What?!” I snapped, “It’s very small and hard to hit…”

Finally, the Skitty mustered the strength to use its Heal Bell (I could actually hear the chime this time, which sounded similar to the Power Rangers theme), and shot me a look of fury. She span around, and slapped me right in the face with her tail repeatedly.

I got up onto my knees, moaning in pain. Two could play at that game! I stumbled to my feet, lifted my coat, and span around, smacking the Skitty with my own tail. Paint splattered everywhere.

This was an excellent assault, but unfortunately now I was dizzy and feeling ill. Plus, there was paint everywhere, which I’m pretty sure qualified as vandalism.

In the meantime, Mareep had taken it upon herself to successfully inject the serum into the Skitty.

I was in a weakened state, but I still had to come up with a suitable name for my newly acquired Skitty. What could she be named? Whiskers? Skittles? Purrloin? Nah, that last one was stupid.

I finally decided upon something really cool. I mustered all my strength, and took a few steps forward.

“She is now my Skitty! And I shall name her-”

Before I could complete that sentence, I slipped up in the paint, and landed on the ground in a heap, with an almighty groan of ‘Agwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…’

Finally, at a convenient enough moment to not have had to help at all, Jimmy and Chase had now reached us. I shook my head quickly, because that was exactly what you must do having suffered multiple injuries, and returned the unfortunately-dubbed Agwa to her Pokéball.

I hobbled over towards Klepto, who was still unconscious, a bump on his head from where Agwa had clobbered him. I knelt over, examining the injury more closely. I had been bashed so many times before, I could pretty accurately judge almost any contusion, and what Klepto had looked more like he had been smacked with a rock, or something.

In fact, an appropriately sized rock was sitting just nearby. And indeed, a few more rocks of varying sizes were in fact sliding down the side of the mountain wall. So Klepto had been hit with a falling rock? But surely, that means…

“Avalanche!!” Jimmy squealed in horror, pointing up towards the top of the mountain. I looked up, and indeed, massive boulders were tumbling down in our direction.

Which was bad, but I was seeing those pretty colours again, so they were multicoloured rocks. For this reason, our imminent death was at least fun to look at.

*END TRANSMISSION*

[Gavin Luper]

Well done for continuing this on, mate, especially after such a huge gap! You never cease to crack me up with your writing. Even though I haven't followed this fic from the start and tend to just skim everything, I'm guaranteed a good laugh every time I read a fic you've written - hell, I cracked up at the old biscuit behind the couch line before the chapter even started.

Congrats on a triumphant return.

[Sike Saner]

Oh hey, nifty cliffhanger there at the end.

Also that was the tiniest, fuzzliest squirrel ever, holy crap.

Highlights

“So whatever do you call for?” I continued, “Bought a new pair of especially large, smelly trousers that you couldn’t wait to tell me about?”

“What?” he spat, “Of course not.”

“Ah, shame.” I sighed with disappointment, “Couldn’t we discuss these trousers anyway?”

“There are no trousers!!”

I gasped. “What did you do with them?”

“I NEVER HAD ANY TROUSERS!” Michaels wailed.

“Then put some pants on, fatty!” I said suddenly with a giggle, and then hung up.

“Chambers…” he said slowly, in strangely hushed tones, “Someday, you will think that the world is safe. You will have faith in humanity. You will sleep well at night. …And when that day comes…” A long pause. “I will sit on your face until you are dead.”

Terror successfully stricken.

Finally, after much inconvenient hassle, we were ready to tackle Mt. Madran. Figuratively, because literally tackling the mountain had no effect, other than a separated shoulder.

“We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oooooooooooooooooozzzz!!”

Jimmy looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. “The wonderful wizard of Ooze?”

“No, I said Oz!”

“No you didn’t! There were far too many o’s in there.”

“How dare you accuse me of a surfeit of o’s! I was prolonging the note!”

Alas, Leaves came up with no strategy. I leered at him miserably, and he Leered back. I felt a shiver down my spine as my defence simply plummeted.

I flung Klepto’s Pokéball with great might. Too great, actually, as the ball whizzed right off the cliff face, in a similar fashion to the gentleman from before. Eventually, it rolled to a stop, and Klepto flew up for instructions.

Klepto was ready! Klepto was raring! Klepto was concussed!

[Drago]

Gav: Ha, thanks for the kind words, bro. My return does indeed feel triumphant, and I can't quite express how exactly I've been hit with this urge to proceed!

Sike: *GLOMP* SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Thank you so much for reading and replying!! I always enjoy seeing your highlights, it feels gratifying, plus it's fun to read the fic in condensed form. Hehe.

Anyhow, a new challenger approaches! It comes in the form of the next chapter!

MINTY THRILL
“You can’t stop at just one!”
Chapter the Twenty-Seventh
Determinator

I squealed in tones so high and shrill, it would shatter the testicles of lesser men. There were giant boulders coming right my way! I never foresaw my death coming at the hands of a barrage of rocks, unless they were some particularly pissed off Geodudes, to whom I may or may not owe a sum of moneys, and whose royal son I may or may not have abducted…

Sorry, I got off the points. Big rocks. Ahh!

“Do something, Leaves!” I cried, hoping that he would have some kind of solution. A flurry of foliage to chop the rocks to bits? A victorious vine with which he would shed them aside? Or even if he would just create a barrier between me and the rocks with his face, I cared not.

He pondered his options for a brief moment, before deciding that his solution was to scream loudly. Oh Leaves, you suck ass, bro.

Nearby however, I heard a sound most inappropriate to the situation. A calm snickering, coming directly from Chase.

“Chambers, if we had to rely solely on your sad little Pokémon, we’d be better off dead anyway…”

And with that (most discouraging) statement, Chase flicked a series of Pokéballs to the ground. With a roar, Ricardo the Golem came bursting onto the scene. He pointed his arms up towards the oncoming avalanche, and his hands rocketed off towards the rocks. There was a loud crunching sound as the hands connected with two particularly large boulders, holding them in place.

Meanwhile, Mars and Mercury had bolted up the side of the mountain, and despite their size, were each able to take a boulder on directly, crashing into them and stopping them in their tracks. It was a remarkable sight, inexplicable under most circumstances, but perfectly acceptable in the context of my Pokémon adventure.

To the right, Troubleclef was using some sort of absurd psychic power to hold another rock of her own in its place, and all of the boulders were taken care of.

“Come on!!” Chase shouted, “The Pokémon Centre’s just a bit further!!”

She threw a hand to the air, and began to ran up the path. Jimmy and Leaves were quick to follow, but I found it slightly difficult. It was as though I was stuck in place. Was it fear? Was it courage? Was it… glue? Hmm.

I looked down at the ground, and noted that Troubleclef was in fact standing on my tail. This was awkward.

“Umm, excuse me…” I muttered quietly, trying to pull my tail free from underneath the surprisingly hefty Cleffa. I tried to wrench it away to no avail, and keenly noted that Mars’ and Mercury’s grips on their respective rocks was beginning to wane.

“Come on!” I shouted, “Get off me, pink fairy blob!” A few more pulls, but no dice.

Frankly, this was pissing me off. So I solved this problem the only way I knew how; by punching Troubleclef right in her stupid little face. At last, she fell off of my tail, which was excellent, but now her boulder was tumbling our way, which was significantly less excellent.

Believing the best way to combat a boulder was by shielding yourself with another boulder, I leapt at Ricardo for cover. In shock, he toppled over, and hit the ground with a mighty crash. There was a rumbling, before the very dirt beneath him gave way, creating an enormous hole. The pair of us tumbled down into the darkness.

Above us, I could hear the sounds of ‘Phan!’ ‘Teddiiii!’ and ‘Cleeeee!’ falling close behind, which led me to assume the rest of Chase’s Pokémon had also jumped down. Either that, or it was a trio of particularly flamboyant goblins.

We finally hit the bottom, and I coughed up a mighty loogie of blood upon the floor. In actuality, falling into a mountain atop a Golem hadn’t hurt as much as I had expected, but I fear it had caused some short term memory loss short term memory loss.

I sat up, and took in my surroundings. The boulders above had blocked off the hole we had created almost entirely, leaving a few streams of sunlight clear. The cavern was dank, dreary, and smelt of something horrible… wait hang on, that was me. Right. So otherwise, it smelt pretty okay for a cave.

With little to no thought, I commenced pounding upon the walls, hoping to open up a new hole or locate a hidden chamber, or at very least make myself feel better.

Groggily, Chase’s Pokémon each started getting to their feet. Without their trainer nearby, they seemed nervous. They were like pigmies without their tribal leader. Band members without their lead vocalist. Megan Fox without a career.

Nervously, I yanked the Pokédex from my pocket. Perhaps it would have a solution? I opened it, and pressed some buttons. However, it yielded nothing. Oh crap, was it really broken? It had survived mass pummelling, fires and constant spelling mistakes, but a surplus of Mareeps had gotten it all in a huff?

Lacking other options, I pulled out my mobile phone, and accessed the Internet. After getting distracted by animations of dancing babies and pictures of fat chicks in party hats, I had successfully managed to download a mobile version of the Pokédex.

“Pretty snazzy, eh?” I said proudly to Ricardo, elbowing him in the side.

“GOLEM.” He replied.

“Fine. Pretty GOLEM, then.”

The screen loaded, and a little animation of a Muk danced about the screen. Tee-hee, this was awesome!

Warning text then appeared onscreen, something about 50c per request and possible access to personal details… but screw that, where had the dancing Muk gone?

I typed in the request of ‘Mt. Madran’ (though in actuality, I had first spelt it as Mr. Madman, which only resulted in photos of Charlie Sheen). Finally, a description came up on screen.

Mt madran iz a tall mowntan that iz between kurabubu city and attiles cty. Teh inside iz made up of lots of diffrnt caves. The caves are pretty.

WARNIG: the caves are all cursed. but one of them may have gold lol

My eyes bulged as I read that last sentence. I mouthed the words, and my hands shook fervently. I began to take it in, before finally I shrieked.

“One of them may have gold lol!!”

From out of nowhere, I pulled out a jackhammer. Ricardo gave an expression that tiptoed between bemused and exasperated.

“There be gold in them thar hills, Ricky!” I shouted, “I need to dig into each and every rock until I find them nuggets of GOLD!!”

I shot a look at Ricardo. …He was a rock…

Sensing my intentions, Ricardo backed away in fear, his eyes like saucers.

“COME HERE, I WANT YOUR NUGGETS!!” I bellowed, in words I hadn’t spoken since I had last assaulted Ronald McDonald.

Ricardo deftly dodged about with agility that belied his girth, and I tripped over a rock that was most likely trying to help its rock brethren. I fell to the ground, and the jackhammer began grinding into the dirt beneath me.

I was vibrating madly, inhaling dirt, and still most likely going to die in this place, but I was on too much of a gold-related high to care. The only thing that snapped me out of my euphoria was a mysterious clanging noise coming from beneath me. I had hit something metallic!!

Anxiously, I flung the jackhammer aside (much to Mercury’s chagrin, as she ended up being the trajectory target), and brushed aside some dirt. There was something hard and sleek down there. I quickly wiped some more dirt away, and finally saw it. Was it silver?

Curiously, I leant over, and licked it. With the flavour sitting on my tongue, I sat there for a pensive moment.

“Nope, that’s steel.” I said with a sigh, “Doesn’t taste silvery enough.”

Now quite deflated, I half-heartedly brushed a little more dirt aside, and discovered that there was more to this steel than previously assumed.

“Yegods…” I gulped, “This thing looks like a skull…”

Suddenly, I heard some feint, unnatural whirring. My eyes darted about the cavern nervously. I put my ear to the mobile phone. It wasn’t making a sound.
I put my ear to my stomach. It wasn’t making a sound.
I put my ear to my watch. It wasn’t making a sound. …Probably because I don’t have a watch.

Then, it dawned upon me. The sound was coming from underground. I put my ear down against the dirt, and discovered that it was getting louder, as though it were coming closer with each second.

Suddenly, a metallic hand shot out of the ground, making the hideous sound of robotic joints. I peered at this hand with annoyance, and frowned.

“Shh!” I snapped, “I’m trying to figure out what’s making the noise, so stop making so much noise!!”

With about as much thought as a robotic hand could give, the hand grabbed me by the throat and tossed me aside. I landed clumsily as the rest of the body clawed its way out of the ground. Chase’s Pokémon gasped in unison, a queer chorus of chirps and growls that under most circumstances would be pretty. For before us now stood an enormous robotic skeleton! …Thing!

Its head swivelled about, before its glaring red eyes settled firmly upon me.

“I am… de Terminator.” It announced in a robotic voice with a strange accent. Despite my fear, I couldn’t help but tilt my head to the side in confusion.

“De what?” I asked quietly.

“De Terminator.” It replied.

“De… I’m sorry…” I said again, more confused, “De what?”

It pounded its hands against the ground in a whiny gesture.

“De Terminator! De Terminator!” It said repeatedly.

“Oh.” I proclaimed, though still not really clear. I leapt dramatically up to my feet, “It’s… DETERMINATOR!”

“Close enough.” It said.

“Aww Hölle!” I said meekly, “So tell me… Mr. Determinator… What is it that you’re here to determine?”

It pointed an expensive finger at me.

“You.” It said simply.

“Oh, I’m very much determined…” I said with a weak laugh, “But honestly… what is it that you wanna do? Play poker? Maybe a little make-belief? I’m sure life underground has made you fall so far behind in the recent resurgence of My Little Pony.” I made a grand gesture, leaving behind a rainbow and a few flowers, “Friendship is MAGIC!”

“Friendship is expendable.” It replied, “Magic is expendable. Your logic is expendable.”

“Ack!” I gasped, “My statements have been expended!!”

In desperation, I plucked one of the flowers from the air, and flung it in Determinator’s direction. It landed on its chest plate, but caused no visible damage. Determinator looked at it for a moment, as though it were considering it.

“Determinator feels pretty…” it said with approval, “Regardless, you have brought my curse upon yourselves.”

It paused, looking around at each and every thing in the room (which took five minutes, but we dared not interrupt).

“So I have no other option but to disengage your lives. Promptly.”

“Aww jeez…” I groaned, “I don’t have time for that!”

Nervously, I reached into my pocket for some other form of weaponry. Surely I had brought a grenade for just such a situation, yes? Tragically, the only thing I could locate at the time was a stupid old Pokéball. Maybe that could stall him if I conked him real good?

I wound up, and flung the ball at Determinator with all my might. It bounced off its body with a loud clang, before, ludicrously, Determinator got sucked into the ball.

A large sweatdrop oozed down my forehead as the ball wriggled about the ground. Before too long, the ball popped open and Determinator reappeared before me.

“Don’t ever do that again.” It grumbled.

“Oh. Sorry.” I said sheepishly.

Determinator now started ambling towards me, most likely ready to kill me, or something along those lines. Out of my priorities of things to do today, getting killed by a machine was not at the top of the list. It probably ranked somewhere at #37, and considering I had only thought of 39 things to do that day, that’s obviously quite low.

“Ricardo!” I wailed, “Despite our earlier confrontation, I no longer want to dig into you and extract your gold!” I paused, and said under my breath, “For now…” I resumed wailing, “So save me for I am your GOD!”

Ricardo nodded (though whether I had actually assumed the role of a god was questionable), and leapt at Determinator. He punched at it a few times, only to be nonchalantly swept aside. Cyborgs don’t feel pain, but apparently, Golems do.

“Balls.” I declared, “You have angered your god, Ricardoooooo…” I tried to make an eerie voodoo gesture, before turning back towards Chase’s other Pokémon, “Alrighty then… Mars! Save me!”

Mars began rolling on the spot, something her evolution was more prone to do, before shooting off right towards Determinator. I would call her a whirling dervish, simply because it’s a phrase I never get to use and it would be an excellent thing to achieve today (priority #7!), however she was also a lousy shot, as she whizzed right by Determinator and up the wall.

The reminiscence to Sonic the Hedgehog was displeasing, but the results were clearly not. I took another look at the remaining forces, who were becoming less fierce as we went.

“Mercury.” I muttered, not entirely convinced that this was going to work, “Save me, or just… don’t get killed.”

She let out a ferocious bear cry before racing towards Determinator, her claws swiping through the air madly. As she got closer however, she took keen note of exactly how large and intimidating her target was. She rerouted, and dived behind a rock in terror.

My response was an unhappy mushroom cloud. I hated them all.

Finally, I peered over at Troubleclef, who was about as intimidating as a bowl of soup. She looked back up at me, knowing all too well that the numbers game was now stacked against her.

“So… you wanna, I dunno… Do something? Maybe?”

To my surprise, she dutifully marched towards Determinator, ready to engage this mighty android with whatever powers came with being the twelfth weakest Pokémon in all existence. Not that I was keeping track or anything.

She closed her eyes tightly, and began to glow as she had when suspending the boulders earlier.

Suddenly, and most unfortunately, Mars now finished her loop, plowing right over Troubleclef and leaving her flat as a pancake.

“Bloody brilliant.” I spat. With Pokémon like these being my last hope, the prospect of death seemed less painful.

Feeling a mite bit suicidal, I made a mad dash towards Determinator. I pounced gracefully, and rolled to the side of it. Afterwards, I cartwheeled a few revolutions off to the left. I began prowling about the metallic beast, low and ready to scratch. Then, I span about in circles, posing with grand gestures.

“Oh crap!” I shouted when it suddenly occurred to me. I wasn’t fighting at all, I was re-enacting Cats choreography!! Determinator was undeterred by my moves. Deflated, I backed away from it.

“Please don’t kill me!” I whimpered, “You’ll find it will leave such a nasty aftertaste in your mouth. And the little children in the streets, they won’t like you very much! And moreover, you’ll prevent a small boy from ever going into space!”

“Listen, and understand…” it replied coldly, “Determinator is here. I can’t be bargained with. I can’t be reasoned with.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but it cut me off.

“And no, I can’t be ‘determined’ with, either.”

“Crap.”

“I don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And I absolutely will not stop, ever, until…”

Ironically, it chose that moment to stop.

“Unless…” it suddenly had a giddy look on its face, “You wouldn’t happen to have any… cat food? Would you?”

“Umm…” I said, frowning, “No.”

Its face returned to the blank stare of before.

“Can’t help you then.”

“Good gawd almighty, King!” I bellowed, “I’m gonna get whipped like a government mule!”

At that key moment, I recalled something that I wished I had realised earlier. I had… Pokémon of my own, didn’t I?

Good lord! I was a Pokémon trainer! Marvellous!

I was on a quest for the legendary Mintythrill, which, after several months and roughly 160 pages of Microsoft Word document, I had still not achieved! Not marvellous.

I piffed my Pokéballs to the ground, and my mighty team stood before me. Tragically, they all appeared quite battle-worn. Klepto immediately plopped unconsciously to the ground, and Lido tried to hold back tears as she looked at the Poochyena bites that riddled her body. Mareep bravely tried to shake off her own injuries, while Agwa, still quite full of beans, hopped about giddily. She took one look at the approaching menace, ready to… faint. Dammit.

I returned Klepto and Agwa to the safety of their balls (hehe that sounds funny), and looked up. Determinator had closed right in on me, and had its fist lifted high. If only I had been moving instead of describing how my Pokémon felt! That was poor judgement, methinks!

Indeed, I wish I was taking this opportunity to move aside instead of now continuing to use descriptive terms! My verbage is a folly of my being and-

Determinator shot its fist in what was surely a killing blow. I closed my eyes tightly, but instead of a face more full of metal than a child with braces, I felt only something on my shoulder.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that Cubone had taken the hit on me, having jumped onto my shoulder. The robotic fist was planted directly on Cubone’s helmet, leaving a large crack where it had hit.

Cubone responded by grabbing hold of Determinator’s hand, and now jumped back down to the ground, pushing the robotic beast back. Determinator used its other hand to try and get free, but Cubone merely grabbed onto that one tightly as well, and the two engaged in a test of their strength.

“Error!” Determinator said with a beep, “Error!”

Mareep and Lido took this chance to launch an offensive of their own. Mareep began charging into Determinator’s legs, and Lido, probably never having seen a robot before, tried whatever she deemed possible. She finally settled upon leaping up and trying to slap it in the ass.

“Lido!” I shouted, “That’s not correct technique! That’s just cheeky.”

Nobody could have foreseen Mars rolling through, knocking Cubone aside and then finally plowing through the wall. As she did, an incredible bright light hit us. Mars had successfully tunnelled outside! Great success!

Determinator resumed his stalking, but Ricardo leapt in and took Cubone’s place in the one on one standoff. Which was good, because I wouldn’t have thought of that.

The Pokémon all began running towards the light, leaving only Ricardo left to fend off Determinator.

“Ricardo, we have an escape route!” I instructed, “Do whatever you can to end this now!!”

Ricardo nodded, a wicked grin crossing his face, and he began to glow. Seeking answers as to this tactic, I pointed the mobile phone at Ricardo. First, it tried to tell me he was a Golem. Augh, I knew that. Second, it tried to tell me he was a rock/ground hybrid. Bah, I sorta knew that, too! Then, it tried to take a photo. Dammit, it was blurry and pixelated! Finally, for the cost of $8, it informed me that Ricardo was using the move ‘Exploshun’.

“HOLY HELL!” I wailed, sprinting out towards the exit. As I made my way out towards the soil of Attiles City, there was a loud bang. I flew through the air, time seeming to go in slow motion. The top of Mt. Madran blew off like a volcano, debris and flames shooting everywhere.

I landed on the ground in a heap. All around me were smoking chunks of rock, fragments of metal, and… oh sweet, a Frisbee! It was all burnt and broken, but I always liked free stuff. I scooped it up, and looked around.

Nearby, I found the skull of Determinator. Sparks were flying from it, as it twitched and jittered incoherently. I knelt over as close as I could, trying to take in its final words.

“Terminator Salvation… Now on DVD…”

Utter nonsense.

I shrugged, and only now noticed Chase, Jimmy and Leaves standing there, looking utterly bemused.

“Dare I even ask why Mt. Madran exploded, Tony?” Jimmy asked quietly.

“Well first off, you explain how you got down so quick!” I shot back.

“Well, there’s a cable car that goes directly from the Pokémon Centre down to Attiles City.” Jimmy replied.

“Oh.”

“Yep.”

“How was the Pokémon Centre?”

“Lovely.”

“And the staff?”

“All dead, now.”

Jimmy pointed to the place at the top of the mountain where the Pokémon Centre had once been.

“Bless ‘em.” I said, wincing.

“Mass murder notwithstanding,” Chase piped in, “Where in the hell are my Pokémon, Chambers?!”

As if on cue, Ricardo fell from the sky with a mighty thud.

“Gol.” He wheezed, blinking twice.

“Ricardo is right here, silly.” I said confidently, and then gazed off in the distance, “Mercury is just over there, bawling and rambling insanely, of course. And as you can see, Mars has crashed into that government building off there. You’ll probably have to pay a fine, I guess.”

“And Troubleclef?” Chase asked, desperately.

I thought about it, long and hard, before I recalled that the last I had seen of Troubleclef, she had been squashed by Mars, and was flattened on the cavern floor. She had escaped too, right?

Then… I considered the burnt Frisbee in my hand. Despite myself, I flung it aside, and shrugged.

“You know what? I have no idea where your Cleffa is.”

[Sike Saner]

I think I will always really like the name "Troubleclef". That's a great name, and not just for a rather morbid Frisbee, either.

Also the phrase "absurd psychic power"; that's great, too.

Highlights

“Do something, Leaves!” I cried, hoping that he would have some kind of solution. A flurry of foliage to chop the rocks to bits? A victorious vine with which he would shed them aside? Or even if he would just create a barrier between me and the rocks with his face, I cared not.

He pondered his options for a brief moment, before deciding that his solution was to scream loudly. Oh Leaves, you suck ass, bro.

Meanwhile, Mars and Mercury had bolted up the side of the mountain, and despite their size, were each able to take a boulder on directly, crashing into them and stopping them in their tracks. It was a remarkable sight, inexplicable under most circumstances, but perfectly acceptable in the context of my Pokémon adventure.

Frankly, this was pissing me off. So I solved this problem the only way I knew how; by punching Troubleclef right in her stupid little face.

In actuality, falling into a mountain atop a Golem hadn’t hurt as much as I had expected, but I fear it had caused some short term memory loss short term memory loss.

WARNIG: the caves are all cursed. but one of them may have gold lol

My eyes bulged as I read that last sentence. I mouthed the words, and my hands shook fervently. I began to take it in, before finally I shrieked.

“One of them may have gold lol!!”

“There be gold in them thar hills, Ricky!” I shouted, “I need to dig into each and every rock until I find them nuggets of GOLD!!”

I shot a look at Ricardo. …He was a rock…

Sensing my intentions, Ricardo backed away in fear, his eyes like saucers.

“COME HERE, I WANT YOUR NUGGETS!!”

Feeling a mite bit suicidal, I made a mad dash towards Determinator. I pounced gracefully, and rolled to the side of it. Afterwards, I cartwheeled a few revolutions off to the left. I began prowling about the metallic beast, low and ready to scratch. Then, I span about in circles, posing with grand gestures.

“Oh crap!” I shouted when it suddenly occurred to me. I wasn’t fighting at all, I was re-enacting Cats choreography!!

If only I had been moving instead of describing how my Pokémon felt!

[qupte]and Lido, probably never having seen a robot before, tried whatever she deemed possible. She finally settled upon leaping up and trying to slap it in the ass.[/quote]

Ricardo nodded, a wicked grin crossing his face, and he began to glow. Seeking answers as to this tactic, I pointed the mobile phone at Ricardo. First, it tried to tell me he was a Golem. Augh, I knew that. Second, it tried to tell me he was a rock/ground hybrid. Bah, I sorta knew that, too! Then, it tried to take a photo. Dammit, it was blurry and pixelated!

[Drago]

Those bastards stole my viewcount.

Without view, I am but blind.

...am i bumping this for more views? u decide.

i blame klepto.