Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester O_O Chapter 47 O_O

[mr_pikachu]

Ah, she's got herself a book now, huh? It sounds kind of similar to a book Brock had in my fanfic... but no matter. I doubt you've read it, anyway. It's not exactly the most popular fic, if you get my drift. But what's up with Matchi? I noticed that his dæmon wasn't even mentioned here... very odd indeed. He's got such a mysterious aura about him. What is it that sets him apart and infuriates Ekad? Hmm...

I liked the sub-plots in this chapter. You accentuated Ekad's conflict with Matchi nicely with the haggling. Good use of the filler's "filling" in that regard. On that note, the characters were portrayed well. You've done a good job obscuring the tension between Ekad and Matchi, too, which leaves your audience guessing. Great work there, I must say.

There were a few criticisms worth noting, however...



Fancy dresses, rare gems, sweet breads, decorative swords, the finest glass jars and beads from Soil, dolls, colorful blankets made of sheep’s wool from Quartz, hand made nick-nacks, and more.

First, why is Soil capitalized? Is that a city? If so, you should have specified that, because it looks odd. (EDIT: I see now that it is a city. It would have been a good idea to have specified that when you mentioned it, as in “the town of Soil”, or something like that.) Second, “nick-nacks” should be “knick-knacks”. And finally, this sentence technically isn’t grammatically correct (there’s no verb!), but the literary effect involved in it is clear, so it’s not a big problem.


There were even a few roasting spits, where the venders were selling large portions of meat for ridiculously low prices.

Hmm… is “where” a proper conjunction? (I’ve always been awful at memorizing lists…) If it isn’t, the comma shouldn’t be there. In fact, I’d almost get rid of it anyway, just because it breaks up the nice flow of your sentence.


And of course there was the mountain of food that had been donated by the residents.

You may want to consider a comma after “of course”, since that’s kind of an introductory phrase.


"We shouldn't let the festival go on with out us." Ekad said, hopping off the wagon behind her.

You can’t end the quote with a period if the sentence continues beyond the quote (with something such as what you had in this case, “Ekad said”).


They walked passed the voices and to the table of food.

(passed/past)


Ekad poured from a pitcher of cold iced tea into two large cups.

Hmm… the word “from” seems out of place. Even though it may make the sentence slightly more precise, it’s clear from experience what you mean even without the word.


He handed one to Tiponi, then drank deeply from the second.

The part after the comma is not a complete thought, since there is no subject on which to apply the verb (who is drinking deeply from the second glass?).


After she had drunk her fill, she offered the cup to her dæmon, who drank the remaining liquid.

…I think that “drunk” should be “drank”, although it could just be the late hour and my southern dialect tricking me. Oh, sorry. The early hour. (It’s almost two in the morning here!)


When they finished, Ekad wiped the cups dry with a towel on the table, and left the cups for another thirsty person to use.

It’s only aesthetic, but saying “the cups” twice is repetitive. Try substituting in a pronoun that also precludes the towel, such as “them”. That cannot logically apply to the towel, since it is a single object.


"That's way to low for this!"

(to/too)


Legends, Legendaries, and Their Meanings was a fairly thick book and had a stunning leather-bound cover with an elaborate picture of the so-called "Legendaries".

The word “and” should be “that”, since you’re describing the object that you just mentioned. (Wow, I almost misspelled “you’re” as “your”. I am tired!)


Medwin looked up at his human and said "I'm interested in that stuff too, Tiponi."

Since the quote contains a complete sentence, you’ve got to precede it with a comma. (Sorry if I didn’t mention the “complete sentence” detail before, but it’s a somewhat obscure condition.)


"And How much would you charge for it?" Tiponi asked the man.

“How” should not be capitalized. Typo alert!


She hugger her book to herself and shifted her feet.

(hugger/hugged)


Ekad just grit his teeth and said, "It would be best if you left Tiponi alone, Matchi."

I believe “grit” should be “gritted”.


Finally, he lifted his hands and said "Easy there, I understand that she's a treasure."

Again, you need a comma before the quote.


"Until then, farewell, madam." He said as he bowed, then dissapeared into the vast crowd.

First of all, you have to end the quote with a comma and decapitalize “He”, since the sentence continues beyond the quote. Second, (dissapeared/disappeared).


But she couldn't help wonder about Matchi, and who he really was.

I hate to criticize the last sentence of the chapter, especially when it emphasized the mystery that’s been playing on my mind ever since Tiponi arrived in Swarm. But the section after the comma is not a complete thought, so you can’t have the comma there.



However, this was a nice chapter overall. It was a filler, true, but it still developed a few plotlines to some extent. At the very least, it was fun to read. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter!

[eevee-shayna]

I really have to cut some of the extra activities i do...
nevertheless, your next chapter is ready. and may i note that the the first compotition is a result of watching too much food network. i can't help it, Rachel Ray is my all time idol.

anyway, here ya go.

Chapter 29

The main stage was certainly a scene to behold. Taking up the entirety of the raised platform was three rows of tables covered with delicious foods. The first table was all meat dishes, the second was vegetarian platters, and the third table was baked goods. The combined scents from the mouth-watering dishes filled the air and wafted in a delectable cloud that surrounded the gathering mass. A group of judges stood behind each of the tables, eagerly waiting for the time to begin so they could taste the dishes.

The tall, elderly man who had called himself the City Organizer, and his Armaldo dæmon walked onto the stage. He looked at the foods with a gleaming eye, the walked to the end of the stage where a podium stood. The man motioned with his hands and the crowd hushed.

He cleared his throat and said "I hope we are all enjoying this festival; I know I am." He let out a chuckle as the people cheered. When they quieted he continued.

"In a few moments we will begin the food contest. Behind me there are three tables holding the three categories; meat, non-meat, and baked. The judges for each category will taste all of the foods and pick the first places. After that, I get to taste each category winners and chose a best overall. Wreaths will be awarded to the winners. And now, let the judging begin!"

The crowd cheered as the mayor walked out of the way and the judges began to move into action. Four judges went to the baked foods, four to the meats, and four to the non-meats. Immediately, the judges got to work, taking a drink of water to wash out their mouths', tasting a dish, writing down something on a piece of paper, then repeating it all over again. They made the trials interesting, by making faces of after each food, and the fact that 12 judges were tasting at the same time. Tiponi could hear Cauda take a sharp inhale of breath every time a judge tested her bread. Ekad's mom would let her breath out in a sigh if the judge looked like they enjoyed the bread, or wring her hands if they looked uncertain. The time went by quickly, and soon the judges were stepping away from the foods and began looking over their sheets of paper. Everyone shuffled their feet nervously.

"There are so many good-looking foods, I don't know how those judges would be able to pick," Medwin said to no one in particular. His human nodded her head in agreement.

Tiponi saw the judges huddle together and talk. Cauda stood on her tip-toes in anxiety. Finally, they walked over to the City Organizer and handed him three slips of paper. A small table was brought to the front of the stage and the man with the Armaldo walked over to it.

"The judges have decided on the best dishes here today," he announced in a booming voice. The audience was silent except for a crying baby. Standing tall, the man picked up the first of the three slips of paper.

"For the meats category, the best dish is," he read off the top of the paper then unfolded it, "...entry number 28, which was a roasted wild turkey platter by Morcades!"

An excited woman who looked the age of 20 ran up to the stage and stood by the small table. Her entry was placed on the table and a judge handed her a wreath. Tiponi was not close enough to see it's details, but she could tell that it was a ring of leaves with some sort of intricately woven string the color of silver in the middle.

"For the non-meats, the winning dish is," he said as he unfolded the paper, "...entry 68, a pasta with a thick herbal sauce by Hoyo!"

A large man walked onto the stage as the crowd cheered. He stood next to the woman, was handed a wreath, and his plate was placed on the table.

"And last the baked foods," the City Organizer began, causing Cauda to become even more tense. The City Organizer continued. "The winner is entry 41, a special bread by Cuada!"

She gasped in excitement, and Kyuubi leapt in joy. Ekad nudged his mother to walk to the stage, and she began to practically float up to the stage to rest next to the table, where her bread was being placed. They handed her a wreath as she smiled broadly, allowing all to see her joy. Tiponi and Ekad cheered extra-loud for the woman.

"And now, I will taste the winning foods to determine the overall winner," the man said. He walked to the winning plates and began to taste them. Each cook stared at the final judge eagerly as he took a bite of their food, taking his time to taste the different flavors. After each bite, he jotted down a few notes. Finally, he looked over the notes carefully. He took a separate paper, scribbled a few words, then folded it. His dæmon took the paper from him and unfolded it. The crowd was enthusiastic with suspense.

"The overall winner is Cauda's bread from the baked foods category!" she said.

The residents of Swarm erupted with applause, and the ecstatic winner was handed a lager wreath with gold weaving.

"And don't forget the Children's costume contest right after this event!" yelled the man over the noise.

When the cheering ended, the crowd thinned out and the food was carried to the main food tables. Cauda walked off the stage and hugged her son as soon as she reached him. "I won, Ekad, I won!" she kept saying, full of happiness.

When she had finally calmed down, she showed them the two wreathes she had won. The silver one had the webbing woven to say "breads" and the gold wreath said "winner". The string was beautiful, and masterfully woven.

As they stood around gazing at the wreaths, children in home-made outfits made their way to the stage. Looking up, Tiponi could see that they were all dressed up as different pokemon.

"Look, Tiponi! It's me!" said Medwin excitedly, pointing at one child with a Chamander costume. It was made out of bright oranges cloth that had been sewn to cover the child's limbs, back, and head. The stomach was made of yellow cloth, and the head had two large, white flower pedals with black ink spots for pupils. A muzzle had been created from thick, curled leaves that had been painted orange. There was also a tail, made from some long object covered in orange and yellow cloth with fallen leaves that were naturally orange, red, and yellow tied to the tip of the tail. The tail was sewn onto the child's costume, and a string helped suspend the upper part of the tail.

More children came, with all sorts of costumes. Tiponi liked one in particular, an elaborate Venusaur made with leaves. One child was a Tangla, and practically hidden in a vine-like bush. An infant had a Togepi outfit on that looked especially cute. All the children were adorable and Tiponi was quite amused as she watched the children parade proudly in their costumes.

"I'm going to bring these wreaths to my rooms. I'll be right back," Cauda said, still excited. Ekad and Tiponi nodded in response, and Cauda walked toward the tall trees to return to her home.

The time went be fairly quickly while she was gone, and the two teenagers watched the children get judged, and all got at least consolation prizes. Tiponi was happy when her favorite, the Venusaur, won overall.

"Who won?" asked Cauda as she walked up behind the teenagers, breathing heavily because of her trek.

"The Venusaur," Ekad told her.

"I think the Charmander should have won," said Medwin.

As the City Organizer finished shaking the contestant's hands, he announced to the crowd, "The Apple Cider Drinking Contest will begin shortly at the food table. All can attend!"

The crowd shuffled their way to next contest.

"This is always fun," said Anata.

"Lets go drink some cider!" said Kyuubi.

They followed the Swarm residents to the food tables. Tiponi could see that a new long row of tables had been arranged. On the tables were a many cups and pitchers.

"Anyone who wants to compete, grab a spot," yelled a voice.

People flocked to the table, claiming cups and taking excitedly.

"Come on, Tiponi!" Ekad said. The girl shook her head. "Please?" he pleaded, pulling her to the tables. Reluctantly she followed, and she took a cup of her own. Once everyone was settled, the voice began to speak again, though Tiponi could not see who it was.

"Alright. Welcome to the Cider Contest. The rules are simple. There are many pitchers around the table. When I say "go", you need to fill your cup to the top and drink as fast as you can. Once you have swallowed five whole cups, raise your hand. The first ten people to raise their hands compete in the finals against each other. Are you ready?"

The crowd began to cheer. Tiponi leaned to her dæmon and said "Medwin, jump on the table."

"What for?" he asked.

"Get set!" yelled the voice.

"To pour my cider!" Tiponi said quickly, then stood up.

"Go!"

Tiponi reached for a pitcher and poured the cider into her cup. As she brought the water to her mouth, she saw an orange blur in the corner of her eye jump up onto the table. She breathed through her nose as she swallowed as fast as she could. When she finished the first cup, she clunked it down on the table. Medwin was ready and poured her more cider. Tiponi took a deep breath before swallowing some more. Other people around her were giving up and stepping away from the table. When she put her cup down for the second time, she saw that Ekad was still in the competition, as were about half of who had started. After Medwin had refilled the cup, she drank again, draining her third cup as fast as she could. Medwin was filling her forth cup when she heard the voice yell.

"We have one finalist!"

Medwin finished pouring and the girl drank the cider, her stomach starting to hurt.

"Two finalists!"

She continued to breathe through her nose while drinking adamantly.

"Three, and four finalists!"

Tiponi tilted her head back, allowing gravity to help her finish the cup.

We have five!"

She dropped the cup down for Medwin to refill for the last time. The tables around her had only a handful of people left. Ekad was away from the table, which made her more determined.

"Six!"

Tiponi brought the cup back to her mouth and drank more of the brown liquid. It's tart and sweet flavor filled her mouth, and the spices made even the last cup tolerable.

"Seven and eight!"

"Come on, Tiponi!" urged Medwin.

"Nine!"

The girl tilted her head back and drained the last of the cider. Triumphantly, she raised her hand, dropping the cup to the ground.

"Ten finalists!" the voice said, spotting Tiponi. "Put your cups down, we have ten."

Tiponi breathed deeply, not knowing how much more she could drink. She laughed, seeing that Medwin had raised his paw aw well.

"The final ten, please come over here."

Tiponi followed the voice and the other finalists. Her Charmander jumped off the table and waddled behind her, also feeling her fullness. When they got to the table on the end, there were ten cups of hot cider on it. The man who had been yelling before was also there, and appeared to be middle-aged. When the ten finalists reached the table, he began to talk.

"These finalists have to drink just one cup of cider, but this cider is hot. Who ever finishes one cup first, wins. Ready. Set. Go!"

Tiponi picked up her cup and proceeded to sip it. The hot cider had a wonderful taste, even better then the cold apple cider she had had before. However, she was already full and the cider was hot.

She had just finished half was the man said, "We have a winner!"

Tiponi looked up from her drink. She had not won the final round, but she had made it there, which was fine with her. Besides, the cider was far too good to waste by chugging.

"The ten finalists will receive a recipe for the hot cider, which I made myself. And the winner will get a lovely golden wreath. Congratulations!"

The audience clapped as Tiponi was handed a paper, along with the other ten finalists. She carefully put the piece of paper into her pack next to the book she had bought. As the other finalists dispersed, so did Tiponi as she walked over to her friends who had been cheering her on.

"That was great! You came closer then I ever have!" exclaimed Ekad with a large grin.

"I heard the cider they serve for the ten finalists is from a special recipe," Anata said.

"Please, don't say the word 'cider'," said Tiponi, holding her aching stomach.

"My human has probably able to pack in so much cider because training has given us a larger appetite," Medwin hypothesized aloud. They all laughed, but were cut off by a voice.

"Excuse me, but are you one of the finalists of the cider competition?" They all turned to see who had spoken.

"I'm the Town Organizer, and would like to first off congratulate you. But also, may I have your name? I don't believe I know you, and you seem to be an outsider."

"Yes, I am the tenth finalist. And yes, I am an outsider." Tiponi confirmed.

Cauda then cut into the conversation, "Tiponi here has much news from the outer towns. I just suggested to her last night that we form a city meeting that she could speak at."

The man looked at her and replied, "That would be a great idea. How about a town meeting tomorrow, after the festival has and packed up. How about it...what did you say your name was?"

"That would be fine, and my name is Tiponi."

He smiled at her, then added, "I need to make a few announcements now, so excuse me." The girl nodded at him, and the City Organizer walked over to the main stage.

"Attention! Attention!" he yelled, "The Music Match will begin in a short time. Also, I would like to announce that will be having a speaker tomorrow shortly after dawn at this stage. I would appreciate if all could join."

Tiponi's face turned bright red.

"Well, we could go to the main stage and get good seats for the Music Match." Cauda said, and they walked yet again to the stage where a crowd was already gathering.


SIDE BAR- what's been up in my life recently? hmm. well, at my friends b-day party two weekends ago i played ddr like a crazy person. lol, along with random spurts, i played ddr from 11pm to 4am straight. i wore a hole in my sock by the ned, and the day after i couldn't feel my left leg. fun stuff. i also started a project in Vo-Ag class at school with conditioning mice to go through a maze. i named my mice Despereaux and Poppy, after great mice in literature. ^_^ music i've been listening to a lot lately; This Day And Age, Fountains of Wayne, Modest Mouse (Moon and antartica), and Via Audia. c u l8er in the next side bar! ~shayna

[mr_pikachu]

Well, I'm glad you're still writing! Don't worry about the delay; we're willing to wait. After all, we all have lives outside of the forum, whether we want to or not.

I liked the cute bits with Cauda's emotions and Tiponi's spirit. Medwin was great, too, as always. Your characters seem to be solidifying well. Just remember to set each one apart well. Don't make them into the much-dreaded photocopy characters! Give each one idiosyncracies that make them different. You did that well with Etchemin; now apply it to Tiponi's new friends.

There were a few things to comment on, though:



The first table was all meat dishes, the second was vegetarian platters, and the third table was baked goods.

Hmm… the “was” is a little repetitive. Try mixing it up with “held”, “displayed”, “showed”, etc. to keep things interesting. In fact, you may want to eliminate the “was” in all three cases, because it isn’t a very accurate verb in this case. Taken at face value, it says that each table was the dishes. The food items were instead merely on the table, if I’m not incredibly mistaken. (If I actually am, then that’s one incredible display!) In this case, it’s probably best to not make the readers decipher meaning, even if it’s only a split-second distraction. Don’t let your audience have even the slightest opportunity of losing interest if you can help it.


A group of judges stood behind each of the tables, eagerly waiting for the time to begin so they could taste the dishes.

“time” is a little weak. Try to be more exact when describing things in this way. Even something as simple as “contest” might be more powerful. It’s difficult to learn when precision is best and when vagueness instead is preferable – all writers struggle with that, and I’m no exception. Try reading your sentences back to yourself, and then consider shifting the level of precision if a sentence doesn’t sound compelling enough. Remember, every word counts.


The tall, elderly man who had called himself the City Organizer, and his Armaldo dæmon walked onto the stage.

The second comma should not be there, since the part before it is not a complete sentence (and since that is the rule that applies in this case, rather than a listing comma or some other usage). The primary verb that applies to both the City Organizer and the Armaldo is “walked”, so the part before the second comma thus is disconnected from that primary verb.


He looked at the foods with a gleaming eye, the walked to the end of the stage where a podium stood.

First, the second “the” should be “then”. Second, the part after the comma is not a complete sentence, as there is no noun to apply the primary verb “walked” to.


He cleared his throat and said "I hope we are all enjoying this festival; I know I am."

Since you are quoting a complete sentence’s worth or speech, you need a comma to precede the quote.


Behind me there are three tables holding the three categories; meat, non-meat, and baked.

A semicolon is meant to separate two complete thoughts in a sentence. Here, you need a full colon instead to introduce the list.


After that, I get to taste each category winners and chose a best overall.

This may simply be a problem with the speaker’s dialect, so if it is, you’re not at fault at all. I was unsure, though, so I’ll make a quick comment. “each” implies that what follows will be singular, so the plural “category winners” is contradictory. Maybe, if he is supposed to speak grammatically correct (which very well may not be the case), “each category’s winner” could possibly be more appropriate. Just a thought, though.


Immediately, the judges got to work, taking a drink of water to wash out their mouths', tasting a dish, writing down something on a piece of paper, then repeating it all over again.

“mouths’” does not need the apostrophe, as it is not a possessive noun. It is actually the noun that the possessive “their” refers too. (And “their” doesn’t need to be changed; possessive pronouns do not need apostrophes to denote the possessive nature.)


Tiponi could hear Cauda take a sharp inhale of breath every time a judge tested her bread.

“inhale” is a verb, not a noun. If you’re going to write the sentence in this manner, that needs to be replaced with a noun. Actually, though, one alternative option would be to edit it out entirely to show “Tiponi could hear Cauda take a sharp breath…”


The time went by quickly, and soon the judges were stepping away from the foods and began looking over their sheets of paper.

“were stepping” is what is known as a passive use of a verb. Why not just “stepped”?


The audience was silent except for a crying baby.

Ha ha, good! Very good! (No, this is not a criticism.) Way to capture a real-life scene and implement it in your fic. Isn’t it always like that at, say, sports events? The National Anthem is playing, everyone is either respectfully silent or solemnly singing along… and then a baby screams. Without fail, there will be a baby in the stadium that lets out a wail. Very nice!


Tiponi was not close enough to see it's details, but she could tell that it was a ring of leaves with some sort of intricately woven string the color of silver in the middle.

(it’s/its). The former is a conjunction for “it is”, the latter is the possessive form of “it”. Remember the rule I mentioned earlier: Possessive pronouns do not require apostrophes for the possession. That covers a lot of synonyms that you will find, so it can be helpful to self-correct little errors like that.


The residents of Swarm erupted with applause, and the ecstatic winner was handed a lager wreath with gold weaving.

A lager wreath? So… it’s a wreath of beer?


When she had finally calmed down, she showed them the two wreathes she had won.

I missed this at first, but then I looked back because something caught my eye. I then checked my definitions to make sure I wasn’t in error. “wreathes” is actually, believe it or not, the present tense form of the verb, “wreathe”! (I actually didn’t know that, but I thought “wreathes” looked wrong.) “wreathe” means “to adorn”. The correct word here is the plural form of “wreath”, which would be “wreaths”.


The string was beautiful, and masterfully woven.

The comma should go, because the part after it is not a complete sentence.


It was made out of bright oranges cloth that had been sewn to cover the child's limbs, back, and head.

(oranges/orange)


More children came, with all sorts of costumes.

Again, the comma shouldn’t be there.


Tiponi liked one in particular, an elaborate Venusaur made with leaves.

The comma might need to be changed to a colon. I’m not sure about the correctness of the comma, but I know that a colon would work grammatically.


One child was a Tangla, and practically hidden in a vine-like bush.

The comma should be thrown out again, and you need something like “was” between after the word “and” to connect that to “practically”. Also, “Tangla” should be “Tangela”.


The time went be fairly quickly while she was gone, and the two teenagers watched the children get judged, and all got at least consolation prizes.

First, (be/by). Second, the part after the second comma is an incomplete sentence. However, merely tossing the comma wouldn’t work here, since the verb “got at least consolation prizes” would end up incorrectly applying to the teenagers. So, you need to reword that part.


As she brought the water to her mouth, she saw an orange blur in the corner of her eye jump up onto the table.

Wait, water? I thought it was cider!


Medwin was filling her forth cup when she heard the voice yell.

(forth/fourth)


It's tart and sweet flavor filled her mouth, and the spices made even the last cup tolerable.

(It’s/Its)


She laughed, seeing that Medwin had raised his paw aw well.

(aw/as)


She had just finished half was the man said, "We have a winner!"

(was/when)


The audience clapped as Tiponi was handed a paper, along with the other ten finalists.

I would say to drop the comma, but then you’d end up with a “misplaced modifier” – that is, it would appear that Tiponi was handed the other finalists in addition to her paper. (Now that’s an armful!) So this should be reworded so that the “was handed a paper” properly applies to all participants. And since when were there ten other finalists? Ten plus Tiponi makes eleven, right?


"My human has probably able to pack in so much cider because training has given us a larger appetite," Medwin hypothesized aloud.

Again, I normally don’t criticize dialogue for fear of accidentally criticizing a good use of a character’s bad dialect, but I think you probably meant “was” in place of the first “has”. I could be wrong, though, of course.


They all laughed, but were cut off by a voice.

Drop the comma or reword the sentence.


"Well, we could go to the main stage and get good seats for the Music Match." Cauda said, and they walked yet again to the stage where a crowd was already gathering.

I hate to criticize the last sentence of a chapter, but remember to make the period at the end of the quote a comma instead!



Yes, there were a lot of things here. No, you should NOT get discouraged. Why? Well, first of all, even if it was a bad chapter, which it wasn't, a good writer works through it. But like I said, this wasn't a bad chapter. You see, every time I see improvement in your work, I push you a little harder. If you'll notice, a lot of the things that I mentioned here were really small or were very obscure. With other writers, I couldn't do that, but you've proven pretty capable of handling criticism, and you're using it to improve. Really, it's a great accomplishment on your part, because you're pushing me to dig for advice to give, too. Most works are easy to criticize, but sometimes I have to work in this fic. Good job.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. I look forward to the next chapter, where hopefully we'll at last see Tiponi speak at the Town Meeting! I'll see you then!

[eevee-shayna]

glad you enjoy my fic ^_^ and thanks for the critiques.

the next chapter should be coming.....in the future. school and stuff are quite time consuming. plus the next chapter has a song in it, and i'm working on getting that on the web. see, it's writen for the fanfic (original lyrics and msic by yours truelly). however, there are two parts going on at the same time, and it's not easy when there is only one of me. plus, i have limited resoarces, a ten year old mic, and not the best recording program. so bare with me. when the chapter and song are up, your free to listen. if you want to get a taste of what the song sounds like, or you just want to know what my voice sounds like, just remember that it's not required for the story, just something extra.

so if modivation strikes me, and procrastination takes a vacation, i hope to have the next chapter up soon.

[eevee-shayna]

alright, i'm having technical difficulties with the song, but it will be up soon. meanwhile, here's the fic:

Chapter 30

The sun was setting, shedding the last of it's light through holes in the tree canopy. The light flickered like a dying ember over the settling festival. Some boothes were already packing up their goods, and young children were being brought home to sleep after the exhausting day’s events. Candles of bee's wax and hardened sap were being lit to shed light over the remaining festivities. Their scents filled the air and warded off pesky bugs.

Instead of standing, as the people had for other events, many of the Swarm residents had brought blankets to sit on. Families, friends, and lovers cuddled up together on the vast patchwork quilt of rugged outspread blankets. Cauda had also brought a blanket for the event, and had spread it out on the ground among the others. Cauda, Kyuubi, Ekad, Anata, Tiponi, and Medwin sat comfortably on the cloth and chatted as they waited for the Music Match to begin.

As the crowd settled down, a group of people gathered onto the main stage, carrying strange wooden and brassy objects. Tiponi stared at them curiously as they set up, forming into rows and placing the objects neatly in front of them.

"What are those?" Medwin said, voicing Tiponi's thoughts.

"Instruments, don't they have them in Quartz?"

"Not any that I can recall," replied Tiponi, entranced by the foreign "instruments".

"They were invented in Swarm, so they are pretty common here," said Ekad.

"Correction, instruments were invented by the Gypians, but were adopted and widely produced in Swarm," Kyuubi added.

"Gypians?" Tiponi asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"River people, the oldest peoples of the Mineral Mountains, and sometimes credited for settling the land. Though for some reason they are liked less than Questers by some folk," Cauda told her.

"I vaguely remember learning about them in the school house. Outcast river people..." murmured Medwin, reminiscing an old school lesson. "Don't some people, like in Hot Springs, consider them savages?"

Ekad smiled weakly. "Probably. But Swarm likes diversity. And speaking of that, it looks like the instrumental group is about to begin. I think you'll enjoy their music, Tiponi."

One of the people on the stage motioned for the crowd to quiet down. Those with metallic instruments brought them to their mouths, and those with wooden instruments rested the objects under their chins or on the ground in front of them. Suddenly they all began to move, controlling the objects and making beautiful music through them.

"It's like they're making the instruments sing," murmured Tiponi in amazement. She had seen a lot of wonderful things in Swarm since she had arrived, but this simply took her breath away. She had heard singing before, but these instruments reached notes that she could never reach.

It seemed like each instrument had its own personality. The wooden one that was so large in rested on the ground and played music through long strings and a stick seemed like a large, friendly man with a deep voice. The smaller version of it that rested on one's shoulder was like a song bird that sang gracefully through a serious of chirps and long notes. There was also a variety of tubular sticks that sounded like a peaceful wind. Together, they made the most beautiful music, flowing up and down, creating a tune that reminded Tiponi of the falling leaves and chilly air. Various times through the song, some of the instruments hushed and allowed the others to sing alone.

When the song finally came to an end, the instrument players stood up and bowed to the cheering audience. Tiponi clapped especially loud, feeling honored to have been able to hear such magical music.

"That was so amazing, I don't know how the next group could top it," Tiponi said to her friends.

"Well, the Adult Choir always does a great job at this festival. They were wonderful at their last concert," responded Anata.

As if that statement were a cue, the first group left the stage and the next arrangement of people walked on. They were all wearing white tops and black bottoms; the woman in long skirts, and men in trousers. They didn't have any instruments with them, which slightly disappointed Tiponi. She wanted to hear more of the beautiful music the last group had displayed, but she tried to keep an open mind for what was next.

All at once, the Adult Choir took a deep breath and began to sing. They had the most beautiful voices and Tiponi was no longer disappointed. At some points, they would brake off into two separate groups, singing different words at the same time or different times, or one half would sing high while the others would sing low. Overall the song was a pleasure to listen to and the girl took in every word.

1 The cold is co-ming
2 Coming dar-ling
3 Leaves fall to the ground
4 Dar-ling
5 Red ye-llow o-o-orange red ye-llow o-o-orange
6 Red ye-llow o-o-orange red ye-llow o-o-orange
Red ye-llow o-o-orange red ye-llow o-o-orange
7 How beautiful the trees are
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
8 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
9 With leaves like flames or shooting stars
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
10 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
11 They grow so high and fall so low
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
12 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
13 And soon will come the pure white snow
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
14 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
15 All-I long for is to hold you in my arms
All-I long for is to hold you in my arms
16 All-I long for is to hold you in my arms
All-I long for is to hold you in my arms
17 Hold you in my arms so tight
The cold is co-ming dar-ling
18 Hold you gen-tly through the night
The cold is co-ming dar-ling
19 Hold you in my arms so tight
The cold is co-ming dar-ling
20 Hold you gen-tly through the night
The cold is co-ming dar-ling
21 O-oh the cold is co-ming
O-oh the cold is co-ming
22 But a-as I hold you tight
But a-as I hold you tight tonight
23 The leaves fall to the ground
The leaves fall to the ground
24 And as I hold you tight tonight
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
25 The lea-ves fall all around

Red ye-llow o-o-orange
26 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
Red ye-llow o-o-orange
27 Red ye-llow o-o-orange
Red ye-llow o-o-orange


As the singing faded away with the last note, the crowd began to cheer as one, producing thunderous appreciative noise. The people on stage bowed, than left in rows, smiling to hear their performance was so well received. Tiponi could not believe the music she had heard; first the magnificent instruments, and now the melodious Adult Choir. Certainly Swarm was a talented and advanced city.

As the performers exited the stage, the girl noticed a good portion of the audience packing up and leaving. All around them, people were folding up their blankets and walking to the residential trees.

"Is it over already?" she asked, longing for more music.

Ekad paused, then answered, "Just about."

"Besides, it’s late, we should be heading home now," added Cauda.

Anata and Kyuubi walked off the blanket and Cauda began to fold it.


Tiponi noticed that the remaining crowd was mostly teenagers. Medwin also noticed something.

"Look, Matchi is walking onto the stage. Didn't he ask us to watch him perform, earlier today?" Medwin said, looking at the stage. They could vaguely see that he was holding a wooden instrument that looked like the one that was held under the chin, except his instrument was larger and held sideways. Another boy on stage was holding the same thing. The third person had a cylindrical object that was about the size of his torso.

"Now that you mention it, Medwin, he did. And look, the boys who were with him when we first met him are on stage also. What kind of music do you suppose they will play?"

"Nothing like the other two acts you saw. The teenagers seem to like it, but I don't," said Kyuubi. The others nodded.

"So you've heard them before?" the girl said.

"No, but I know that he's a troublemaker and it's better to not get involved," Kyuubi replied. With that, the majority of the Swarm residents began to walk away from the stage grounds.

"That's not being fair to him. Maybe he's good with music." Tiponi persisted.

"Tiponi, it's not that we think he's a bad musician. It's that we don't like his type and feel it would be better to leave well away from it. It's late, and you have a big day tomorrow with the city conference and all," said Cauda, carrying the blanket. They walked silently to the food table and Cauda retrieved her bread pans and few left over breads. They made another trip to the out houses, and once relieved, were on their way. As they walked to a tree staircase, she could hear Matchi begin to play. Their music was different, but she liked the sound of it anyway. Matchi had a good voice too. She wished she could hear more, but they entered the tree stair-case and the sound was muffled. They walked to their house, and all the while Tiponi couldn't help wonder why Matchi was trouble. What secret did he have?

Long after Matchi’s performance would have ended, after Cauda and Ekad had gone to sleep, Tiponi snuck out of the house again, much to Medwin's annoyance. She was afraid that she would wake up blind if she fell asleep, and had a lot on her mind.

Once they had successfully arrived outside and shut the door, Medwin whined harshly to his human, "Can't we get a full night's sleep for once?"

Tiponi just smiled at her dæmon and sat on the platform. She swung her legs over the edge and held onto the railing as she peered over. Her long night gown kept her legs warm as they swayed in the air.

"Medwin," she began.

"Hmm?" responded the Charmander, sitting beside her.

"I think it was really rude how the whole city just left when Matchi got on the stage. Even if they don't like his music, that's still pretty rude. I mean, how would you like it if the entire city sat around for the first groups, then stood up and left when you came on. That's not just rude, that's mean and inconsiderate. Maybe if people treated him better, he wouldn't be the trouble maker they say he is."

"I never though of it that way. At first, I didn't like him. But now that you mention it, it's not like he's ever been mean to us since we met him. I'd be angry if people walked out on me."

"Yeah, with you're temper you'd probably hurt someone."

"Watch it, Tiponi."

"Case proven."

"Why don't we go inside. Its cold out and besides, you do have that thing tomorrow."

"I kind of want to stay up."

"Tiponi, you're shivering. We're going inside, now."

Sighing, the girl pulled her legs up and stood on the platform. Quietly they entered the room and curled up in their sleeping bag. Tiponi fought to stay awake, but soon fell asleep.

[mr_pikachu]

Hmm... I wonder how Matchi will respond to being "walked out on", even by Tiponi? Will we finally see what Swarm seems to be trying to protect her from? Or are Ekad and company the ones who are in the wrong? I wonder... Good development for Tiponi and Medwin in this chapter. Their naivety of sorts makes for good writing. I like how the "wholesome" residents of Swarm are coming into focus, too. Good job there.

I'm enjoying the little things you're putting into the plot. These joyous chapters serve as a nice contrast with the tense encounters in Hot Springs. And like I've said, you've done a good job with the development of Swarm's residents, too. And Tiponi's blindness is a lingering concern. Nice touch, there. Things could get very interesting regarding that...

There were some things that I thought needed to be commented on, though. As always, the shorthand I occasionally use is (word or phrase in the text/correct word or phrase).



The sun was setting, shedding the last of it's light through holes in the tree canopy.

(it’s/its)


Some boothes were already packing up their goods, and young children were being brought home to sleep after the exhausting day’s events.

(boothes/booths). Also, “brought” might be a little vague. A more concise and precise description might help to draw the readers attention. For instance, something like “carried” could be a little better, provided that they were carried. If not, a different verb could be substituted in, or the structure could be changed again, or something. The phrase “were being” is a little passive, too.


Candles of bee’s wax and hardened sap were being lit to shed light over the remaining festivities.

Again, “were being” is pretty passive.


Tiponi stared at them curiously as they set up, forming into rows and placing the objects neatly in front of them.

I think “themselves” might be more appropriate than the second “them”.


"Instruments, don't they have them in Quartz?"

The comma should be a semicolon or a period (or more unorthodox punctuation like “…”). “Instruments” isn’t a complete thought, and it isn’t a proper introductory phrase, either.


She had heard singing before, but these instruments reached notes that she could never reach.

“reached and “reach” are two forms of the same word in the same sentence… can you say “repetitive”?


The wooden one that was so large in rested on the ground and played music through long strings and a stick seemed like a large, friendly man with a deep voice.

First, (in/it). Second, this is a bit complicated. It should probably be restructured, especially since it appears that it “played music through long strings and a stick” because it “was so large”. Maybe the “and” could be moved from where it is to after “stick” for clarity in the causality.


Various times through the song, some of the instruments hushed and allowed the others to sing alone.

The word “At” should be added at the beginning of the sentence to make it more appropriate grammatically.


Tiponi clapped especially loud, feeling honored to have been able to hear such magical music.

“loud” should be “loudly”, since you need an adverb to describe a verb (which in this case is “clapped”).


They had the most beautiful voices and Tiponi was no longer disappointed.

You’ve used “the most beautiful” a few times now. Try to vary your descriptors.


At some points, they would brake off into two separate groups, singing different words at the same time or different times, or one half would sing high while the others would sing low.

(brake/break)


Overall the song was a pleasure to listen to and the girl took in every word.

You need commas after “Overall” and after the second “to”. The first one should be there since “Overall” is an introductory phrase that should be partitioned from the rest of the sentence, and the second one needs to be inserted to separate the two complete thoughts (which, by the way, already have the proper conjunction between them).


Anata and Kyuubi walked off the blanket and Cauda began to fold it.


Tiponi noticed that the remaining crowd was mostly teenagers.

I’m not sure if you meant to have the extra dividing line here or not. I just thought I’d mention it, because it’s hard to tell whether or not it was intentional. (If you did want that, it’s fine. I just didn’t know if it was intended.)


Medwin also noticed something.

This is a little weak. Maybe you could be more direct, saying something like “Medwin stared after the boy walking up to the stage,” for instance. It’s not a very good example on my part, but I hope it gives you a little idea of the power of greater specificity.


"Didn't he ask us to watch him perform, earlier today?"

The comma should be omitted, as it just gets in the way of things grammatically. “earlier today” is not a closing phrase, but it instead describes how (or in this case, when) Matchi asked Tiponi to watch him.


"Maybe if people treated him better, he wouldn't be the trouble maker they say he is."

(trouble maker/troublemaker)


"I never though of it that way."

(though/thought)


"Yeah, with you're temper you'd probably hurt someone."

(you’re/your)


Also, as a general note, beware of writing too many chapters that don't progress the plot. You're bordering on overdoing that, and you certainly don't want to bore your readers. Extensive character development is good to a point, but don't forget to move the plot along, as well.



However, I do think you're doing well here, despite these remarks. The majoriyty of these are simple matters that can be easily corrected, and there are only a few things that will take much time to learn. I've got a feeling that things could heat up very quickly when Tiponi wakes up. We'll just have to see what happens. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter!


P.S. I have a theory about the basis of Matchi's name...

[mistysakura]

Hey, took a bit of a break from TPM. Anyway, I reckon this was an okay chapter. Even though it's far more peaceful than Hot SAprings, for instance, it's still got the small bits of tension that move the plot along. I like fillers with a point (hang on, that's a bit of a contradiction. I'll say I like chapters which don't have any major action, but contribute to the story.)

I didn't really like the song. It's not because it's bad or anything, the format of it jsut got annoying after a while. Probably because the repetition doesn't work half as well on paper compared to the actual music. Looking forward to hearing that. by the way, good luck with your technical problems.

Somehow, the way that Matchi's portrayed seems to suggest that he's some misunderstood guy who the town is prejudiced against. r maybe that's just what you're leading us to think, and the truth is really as Ekad and his mother implies. Either way, he's got some skeletons in the closet, that guy. By the way, saw mr_pika's post. Well, machi is town and macchi/matchi is match in Japanese. Don't know whether that has to do with anything.

[eevee-shayna]

glad to see you two!

I've been taking a bit of a break from TPM, too.

I have CAPT this week (connecticut something something test) so don't mind me if my brain is a bit fried.

Teacher: They may be considered fillers, but I felt that it was imporant to go through the entire festival. A lot happened during the festival. Most of the things have probably gone unnoticed. However, everything I put in the story is there for a purpose. whether it be plot or charactor developements, everything is important. Oh, and I'd like to know your theory on Match's name.

Misty: true, my method of writing the lyrics down is not the easiest to read. hey, it's the best I can do without writing out sheet music. Right now I am angry at the version I have combined, and i'm trying to convince my sister to sing the second part with me (Mew_Trainer_Rose is home from college this week for spring break). As for how I present Matchi, I try to describe him in a non biased mannor, so the reader can form their own oppinion. I want the reader to decide if he is a bad or good charactor. That is much different from how Claec is portrayed. He is a charactor you automaticly hate. It's like how Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter is writen in a way that you can like or dislike his character (I'm a Draco fan, just incase anyone wanted to know). So feel free to think what you want about Matchi, your incouraged.


I also wanted to ask anybody who wants to answer, what do you think of my Side Bars? I like how they are in many mangas that I read, and I think it adds a nice touch. So what's your opinion on it?

[eevee-shayna]

I know this came out terrible, but it's the best I can do without driving myself crazy. Rose left back for college and didn't have time to sing with me, so I'm going to give you the original demo copy. It's teribly mixed. you can tell because sometimes the two parts are off from what they're supposed to be. Oh well, at least it'll give you a sample of what the song should sound like.

http://k.1asphost.com/Eeveeshayna/leaveswrosefinal.wav

[eevee-shayna]

Just got back from vacation. Ironicly, I went to a place called Lave Hot Springs in Idaho. There are springs that are naturally heated by vocanos. surrounding the springs are walls of volcanic ash. I even swam in the springs (even though it was 40 degrese out). However, the natural spring water's temperature is 110 degrese. I was definatly not cold. there were a few side pools with regulated temperatures, the lowest being 90. I swam in all of them. it felt so weird because I kept thinking of my story the whole time. I promise you i'd never heard of the place untill this week. Whatdoyouknow. I wonder if there is a Swarm and Quartz out their... Anyway, I figure it's about time for a new chapter. this one is definetly not a "filler". enjoy.


Chapter 31

There are some days of your life that you never forget. Tiponi could remember in particular the day her mother left her life forever. It was the girl's first memory and she was three years old. Her mother loved their family very dearly, but always wanted something more. Tiponi could remember her as being a strong and kind woman. The girl had always called her "mother" as a young child, so she never learned her name. Tiponi would always remember the last words her mother had told her:

"I don't expect you to understand now, but someday I'll make it up to you, my love."

Some memories stay with you forever, and Tiponi would never forget her mother.

The day the residents of Swarm woke up to the smell of burning wood and the sound of a crackling fire blazing into a black cloud in the air was a day they would never forget. Although Swarm was a busy city, it was also for the most part peaceful. And although they were diverse, Swarm had never seen any scandals.

As dawn broke over the surrounding forest canopy, a shrill voice screamed, "FIRE!"

The residents immediately swung their doors open and ran across bridges and down tree stair-cases in a thunderous herd. The beings in Cauda's home were also awakened by the noise. Quickly they rushed to the kitchen window and stared at the scene. Tiponi was continuously rubbing her eyes and shaking her head, but know one else besides Medwin noticed. The Charmander held his human's skirt and filled her in on what was happening.

"The lady form the bath house is out their and her dæmon is spraying water at the fire," Medwin informed her.

"It looks like the ground type pokémon are throwing soil at the fire, also," noted Ekad.

"What's burning?" asked Kyuubi from the floor.

"It-It looks like the main stage!" Cauda exclaimed.

Shouts could be heard from all around. The city of trees was paniced. Many individuals were trying to calm the growing fire in the center of the city. The affair lasted until the sun could be seen through the trees. All eyes were on the untamed fire as it finally began to die.

Tiponi suddenly stopped rubbing her eyes and leaned over the window sill. She could see the black ashen remnants of the stage where she had seen such beautiful music the night before. A sickening ember plume hung ominously in the air.

"Do you think they still want us to speak in a city meeting?" Medwin said, looking up at his human.

"Probably, when the chaos has died down," Tiponi answered.

"It's lucky that the fire didn't spread from the stage," said Ekad.

"Yeah, but the poor thing is completely obliterated," Tiponi noted.

They stared out the window for a little longer, then went into the main room. They took turns getting changed in the kitchen, ate a quick breakfast of bread, then headed to the ground level. Many people were gathered around the ash, talking loudly to one another.

Cauda scanned the crowd and finally motioned and said, "There's the Town Organizer. We should go ask him about the city meeting."

They waded through the people to reach the man. He looked stressed from the morning's event and was spotted with soot.

"Yes-Oh, Tiponi. I'm afraid our town meeting must be delayed."

He half chuckled, then said, "I didn't plan on the stage burning down. Most of the city is here anyway, so you can speak after me."

"Okay," said Tiponi meekly, wondering how she was supposed to be seen and heard over the crowd.

As if to answer Tiponi's unspoken question, a young woman walked up to the man and handed him a wooden box.

"Much obliged," he said to her, tipping his head in thanks. He placed the box onto the ash and stepped onto the box, using his Armaldo dæmon for support. He cleared his throat, then motioned for the crowd to quiet. When silence filled the grounds, he began to speak.

"Swarm residents, we are all aware of this morning's tragic events. I am happy to say that the stage was the only casualty. Our beloved trees and homes are safe, thanks to the quick action and cooperation of our citizens."

He paused and allowed the crowd to cheer. When they were finished he continued.

"I would also like to say that yesterday's festival was a success, so thank you for that also. The crops have all been gathered and we should have plenty to get us through the cold season. Another note of business, this year the judges have chosen the Adult Choir as the Music Match winners. I am aware that many of you had to get home after the days events and were not able to hear the results. To be honest, the judges themselves had to leave early along with you and did not give me their answer until this morning. However, I'm afraid that the wreath was burned in the fire."

The crowd cheered for the Adult Choir.

"We have evidence to believe that the fire was completely intentional, and I must say that whoever burned the stage down will be in a lot of trouble when I find out who did it. However, that is not for now. Right now I have a young lady here who I would like you all to meet. She is an outsider, and I'm sure she has much news for us. So here is Tiponi." He said, stepping off the box as the crowd clapped, whispering loudly amongst themselves.

Tiponi swallowed, then stepped onto the wooden box with a nervous quiver. She had never had so many people looking at her at the same time, and she felt like their eyes were boring into her. Various whispers could be heard throughout the large crowd, and Tiponi felt even more like an outsider. She paused a moment to collect her thoughts, then began to speak.

"He-hello. I-I'm Tiponi."

At the conclusion of her first sentence, several adults in the crowd yelled, "Speak Louder!"

The girl could feel her former shyness coming back to her, filling her stomach with butterflies and swelling her throat. She began again, speaking louder, but in an unsteady voice.

"I am Tiponi of Quartz, and I have traveled to your city in my journey as a Quester."

She paused again, for the crowd began to whisper again. As Tiponi waited for them to quiet down, she noticed Ekad pointing to his ear and making "up" motions with the other hand.

"He says to speak louder," Medwin said, interpreting the motion.

She began to speak again louder this time, but slightly rushed.

"I have received stamps from Lichen, Limestone, and-" she hesitated, then finished, "And Hot Springs. My dæmon, Medwin, and I are staying with Ekad and Cauda."

Tiponi now noticed Ekad pinching his fingers together and pulling his hands apart, like he was stretching something. She realized that he was telling her to slow down and make the sentences longer.

"Through my travels I have heard much news. My hosts tell me that you do not get to much news about what is going on in the other towns and cities. S-so they asked me to tell you about what has been happening."

There was a shuffling of feet in the crowd, and Tiponi could tell that they were interested in news.

"The oldest news is that in every other town and city in the Mineral Mountains, the weather has been slightly off. No one knows why, but flowers have started to bud early, and the temperature has sometimes been off from what it should be."

Tiponi paused and took a deep breath, because she knew that the next piece of information she had would not be nearly so calmly received as the last.

"There has also been some bad news that...that the Dæmon League Champion died in a battle."

The crowd suddenly erupted with noise. They had not at all been prepared for this information and seemed unable to fathom it. Tiponi suddenly found herself in front of an upset mob that was spouting dozens of questions at the same time. Tiponi once again was overcome with shyness. She felt so exposed to this hoard, standing alone on the wooden box.

The City Organizer sensed the uneasiness and quickly moved in front of the frightened girl.

"People! People, please! You must calm down! Wouldn't you like to hear what else she has to say? I know this is a shock to all of us, myself included, but Tiponi here is only bringing us news! Settle down!" He yelled at the emotional mass.

Thankfully, they reluctantly obeyed, and Tiponi was able to continue.

"There-there has also been another Questing related death." Tiponi paused in anticipation foe another outburst. But to her surprise the crowd stayed mostly hushed.

"A Quester from Limestone was battling in Hot Springs and-and was exhausted to the point that he died in the hospital."

Tiponi stopped to calm herself. She suddenly found herself being pummeled with discomforting memories of Hot Springs. Though that wasn't the only thing she found herself uncomfortable from.

"Keezhee would never do that!" yelled many people.

"Yeah, no Gym Leader would treat their challengers like that!"

"Are you telling us the whole truth?"

The City Organizer stood in again and yelled at the crowd to calm them down. Tiponi could feel her face burn up and her legs become weak. She was so scared to be speaking to this crowd.

Medwin looked up at his human with a questioning look, and Tiponi stared at his face. She nodded to him and took a deep breath.

"No, that isn't the whole truth," she said loudly, so the crowd could hear her. "That was the story that they told everyone, but I found out the truth. The-the boy was murdered by a group of Hot Spring locals. O-or at least he was hurt so bad by them that he died in the hospital."

The crowd began to chatter again, but Tiponi used her last ounce of courage to interrupt them.

"There is much more then that! Listen! Hot Springs was going to kick the boy out of the hospital because they didn't want anything to do with Questers. However, he died before they did. A-and Hot Springs has also self-banned Questing. They fined Keezhee for being associated with Questing, and have even burned her house down before this. And after the Quester’s death, a rumor went around that the new Champion wanted, and most likely will, ban Questing permanently for all of Mineral Mountains, for safety's sake."

Now she allowed them to talk. The information she had just told them was quite a blow. A while passed before they began to quiet down and she could understand individual voices. The loudest ones seemed to be asking who the new Champion was.

"The new-the new Champion is-is Mr. Caleac!" she yelled, hoping to quiet them down. She had given them so much bad news already, and she desperately hoped that this news would settle them down. Since they were so into the Questing world, maybe they would know this person and calm down. Hopefully this would be the only good news Tiponi would deliver to these people.

Luck must have not been on Tiponi's side, because crowd suddenly erupted again. They were in complete shock, and obviously not fans of Mr. Caleac, whoever he was.

"What!"

"How could he have become-"

"He must have done something-"

"Mr. Caleac?"

"It can't be!"

They were uncontrollable now. Though they were usually nice people, they felt very strongly about Questing, and they were definitely expressing their emotions on the matter.

Tiponi could sense it was time for her to leave and let the crowd calm down for awhile. She stepped off the wooden box and onto the ground. She was met by an unexpected puddle of water. Taking a quick glance at the ground, she realized that there was water and rocks surrounding where the stage once stood. The water couldn't have come from putting out the fire, because everyone had been directing the water and soil at the heart of the fire, not this far away.

"Tiponi, we have to go!" Medwin urged.

The girl forgot the water and slipped away to the nearest tree staircase. Climbing up the flights of stairs, all she could think about was getting away. Maybe she was overreacting, but she had so many bad experiences that it had become instinct to run away from agitated crowds. When she reached the second level, she raced across bridges and platforms, simply trying not to be noticed. Her legs were still weak from publicly speaking, and she finally collapsed on a platform in front of a tree with no door. Tiponi and Medwin had run aimlessly, and were hopelessly lost. And as she sat, breathing heavily, she heard a voice.

"Tiponi?" it said. Tiponi felt like the voice was from above her, so she looked up.

Sitting on a sturdy limb was Matchi.

[mistysakura]

Prime suspect would be Matchi, he'd be angry about everyone walking out on him, and maybe that could have provoked him to burn the stage. But this fic isn't cliche, and Matchi does seem rather misunderstood, so if it wasn't him, the poor guy's going to have a few accusations. In any cases, I like how you opened this chapter, and how you linked it back in to the fire. The atmosphere of Swarm when the fire happened was described well; there wasn't much description of the actual fire and stuff, but the details about what everyone was doing painted a picture much like the name of the town.

I wonder what Swarm's residents know about Mr. Claec (the spelling of his name seems to have changed mysteriously), given their reaction to him being the new Champion. Thigns that no one else seems to be aware of. Swarm's a unique community when it comes to information; seems to have so much unique knowledge, but next to nothing about the outside world.

Sure sounds like you had an interesting holiday, the place you went to even matches your description of the origin of the name Hot Springs uncannily. And I wouldn't have swum in any of the springs, 110 degrees Fahrenheit that's like 40 degrees C plus. I could never have taken it. Anyway, see you next chapter.

[eevee-shayna]

I had an interesting day. I taught a collage class on manga and graphic novels this evening. It was quite interesting. (btw, I'm 16, and it was mostly an adult class). My mom's friend teachs young adult literature at a university and she asked me to be a guest speaker today and teach her class about graphic novals. I loved it, since I am a public speaking fanatic. But I found that funny. ^_^

Misty:

I like how you opened this chapter, and how you linked it back in to the fire. The atmosphere of Swarm when the fire happened was described well; there wasn't much description of the actual fire and stuff, but the details about what everyone was doing painted a picture much like the name of the town.

Thank you! I put a lot of thought in the begining of this chapter. I wanted the fire to be a complete suprise, so I hope it had that effect. Matchi could have done it, or someone else, who knows...

Swarm's a unique community when it comes to information; seems to have so much unique knowledge, but next to nothing about the outside world.

Yes, Swarm is a very unique city. I have had a lot of fun creating it. It has so many ironys like that. Like how the houses are in appartment style, yet the city is in trees and is highly agricultural.

Teacher: I hope you get better soon (I read your explanation in another topic). I had a broken wrist once. Not good. It was in Illinios. In a town with a population of 300 people. And I was visiting a friend so my parents weren't their. And the local doctor's offic didn't have an X-Ray matchine, so we had to drive all the way to chicago a few hours away. And let me tell you, Chicago hospital is HUGE! But enough of my ranting. Get well soon!

[sesshomaru]

Kool, just read it all. Can't wait for you to post more!

[eevee-shayna]

Kool, just read it all. Can't wait for you to post more!

hi! welcome to my thread! hope you've enjoyed what you've been reading. it most have taken you hours, if not days. please feel free to post coments on my work. anything you liked? a prediction? something i can work on? i look forward to your posts in the future. ^_^

and may i note to anyone who cares that i went to a ThisDay And Age concert on thursday and i am completely excited over that

a new chapter will be up anytime between soon and in a while. depends on how long it takes for my sister to edit and for me to write. her poor lap top died so she's had difficulty with getting online and such.

until next timr, ado!

[sesshomaru]

But you have tons that your holding right? You said you always have extras. So can you post one soon? And yes it took quite a whule to read all of that. But it was worth it!

[eevee-shayna]

I always try to keep 7 in store becuase I'm strange like that. Though I do like to have an idea of where the fic is going. I usually put up a new chapter after I finished writing one, that way I keep an even system. And why seven, you may ask. Because I've seen The Tenth Kingdom more times that anyone ever should (see my PRG WHOOP for more information). Seven and 41 are my lucky numbers, and I'm sure you much rather have me store 7 chapters in my computer then 41. ^_^

I'm glad that you've found TDLQ worth reading. It's good to hear that one's hard work is appreceated. And i repeate, feal free to comment on things. What charactors do you like. What is some foreshadowing you've found. What will happen in the future. So-on and so-forth.

[sesshomaru]

Medwin is cool!
And that other dudes Deamon( I dont know how to make it look like you do) which I'm lazy too look back inot the fic for her name.Tiponi is also cool.

[eevee-shayna]

Instructions on how to type "dæmon".
1) press "d"
2) hold the "alt" button down while pressing 0,2,3,0 on the num lock pad
3) press "m" "o" "n"

result= dæmon

[sesshomaru]

Dæmon, cool why does it do that?

€ ╚ Î š ° Â Ø Ÿ ï ▌↔ ü ♀ ↨ - ♠ B ÿ ¢ Ä ← ♣ ╢╞ æ ¬ á ▒ | Ñ Š

COOL!!!

[eevee-shayna]

TDLQ is a His Dark Materials/ Pokémon crossover. They are called dæmons because Phillip Pullman, the auther, inveneted it. I strongly suggest reading the series (golden compass, subtle knife, amber spyglass). It's my favorite book/series, hence why I based a fanfic on it.

[sesshomaru]

Oh, so how do you pronounce dæmon?

[eevee-shayna]

The way you pronounce "demon". I know because in the second book, the sublte knife, will doesn't know what a dæmon is because they are from different worlds. he misunderstands the word and explains how demons are evil devil-like creatures in his world.

can you tell i like this series a lot?

i thought i might warn you though, that the series plot (which you don't find out until the end of the first book and more so in the second) is a huge war to kill God. I didn't realise this until the second time i read it. so there is a lot of controversy around the series, for obvious reasons.

[sesshomaru]

K, thanks and yeah I can tell. How much longer until you can post next chap you think???

[eevee-shayna]

Here it is, the popularly demanded TDLQ.
Shojo? What Shojo?

enjoy.


Chapter 32

"Tiponi?" he said again.

She stood up and stared at him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked quietly.

He laughed. "I was going to ask you the same question. No one comes here much."

"I didn't mean to intrude, but I was just, just- "

"Running away from them? That's why I come here, too. It's my sitting spot. Peaceful, you know?" he finished, speaking gently.

Tiponi nodded, wondering if he had heard her speech only moments ago. This place seemed so quiet, like a get-a-way from the bustle of life.

"Where's your home?" Tiponi asked him, wondering where he was getting away from.

"It's the only room that’s on a third floor. You can see it from here. Climb on up," Matchi invited, holding his hand out to help her up.

Hesitantly, Tiponi took hold of his hand and lifted her foot onto a lower limb. She lifted herself up onto the lower limb and used Matchi's hand for support. From there, he helped her up onto his limb. Tiponi sat with her legs dangling off one side of the limb, her skirt lying neatly on her lap and legs. Medwin stepped onto a lower limb and Tiponi lifted him up and onto her lap. A gentle breeze blew Tiponi's wavy, brown hair out of her face.

He pointed to their right.

"See it, in the biggest and tallest tree? That's where I live. But I like to come here a lot of the time."

Tiponi looked where he was pointing, then looked at him. As Matchi was bent in order to show her the tree, she noticed that his instrument was behind him, slung on a branch by a chord attached to it.

Matchi noticed her staring and said, "Yeah, that's my guitar." He reached over and lifted it from the branch. He put the cord behind his head and rested the instrument on his lap.

"Gee-tar," repeated Tiponi, staring at the foreign object.

Matchi laughed. He plucked a few strings, then looked up at the girl.

"You've never seen one?" he asked.

Tiponi shook her head.

"I’d never heard of instruments until last night. They sure are pretty though. It's like they are singing."

Tiponi's comment made Matchi smile.

"Yeah, it is like they're singing," he repeated.

Tiponi swung her legs, then stared into the forest canopy. Her hair fell onto her back as she looked upward. The sun poured through the holes between the leaves and sprinkled in patches on the girl’s face. The day was chilly, but not uncomfortable.

She let her mind wander, feeling at peace in the cozy trees and sun. Her mind stumbled upon the concert the night before, and she realized that she had not stayed for Matchi's performance.

"I'm sorry," she told him, feeling bad.

"About what?" he asked, not knowing what she was referring to.

"About not being at your performance. I wanted to stay, but..." she said as she tilted her head forward and looked at him.

"Don't worry 'bout it. It didn't matter," he responded, leaning against the tree trunk.

Tiponi stopped swinging her legs.

"Of course it mattered. You wouldn't be performing if it didn't matter."

He sat up and smiled.

"You said you wanted to come?" he asked.

"If I could have," Tiponi answered.

"Well, I could play you one of my tunes. I played this one last night, if you'd like to hear it."

Tiponi smiled joyfully, then looked down at her dæmon.

"What do you think, Medwin?" she asked.

"I like music," he said, holding back his excitement.

Tiponi smiled at Matchi and nodded.

He plucked a few strings then turned some knobs on the end of his guitar.

"Ok. This one's called "You Had Me on a Limb"."

He looked serious as he began to strum a tune that was unlike the other performances. It was raw, yet soothing and emotional. He closed his eyes as he played. Soon, he began to sing, keeping the guitar's rhythm with the words.

I don't know where to begin
My mind is runnin' in circles again
I don't know what to tell
'cause I don't know anything myself

You had me on a limb
Everything went dim
I see you standing there
with your wet hair
in the cold night air
All I could do was stare
It's rude but I don't care
You're too good for him
Oh you had me on a limb

To be like everyone else
To be one in the crowd
Is never change
and change is what life's all about

And you understand that
You don't do things the way that they say you have to
And you understand that
'cause your strange, different, bold, and uncouth

You had me on a limb
Everything went dim
I see you standing there
with your wet hair
in the cold night air
All I could do was stare
It's rude but I don't care
You're too good for him
Oh you had me on a limb

Those who are different change the world
those who are the same keep it the same way

You had me on a limb
Everything went dim
I see you standing there
with your wet hair
in the cold night air
All I could do was stare
It's rude but I don't care
You're too good for him
Oh you had me on a limb

Keep me on that limb

Matchi opened his eyes and looked at Tiponi. She was bright red. Even Medwin's orange scales seemed to be a shade redder.

"That was pretty. You have a good voice," she managed to say.

"Thank you," he said, appreciatively.

"And you sang that yesterday?" she asked.

"It was more like this morning, but yeah." he said.

"Too bad the judges didn't hear it. You may have won if they heard you," Tiponi thought aloud.

"I'm glad you said that, Tiponi." Matchi said happily.

He was about to say something else, when Medwin said, "They've probably calmed down now. We should get going. Thank you for the music, Matchi."

With that, he hopped off his human's lap and onto the platform. Matchi swung his guitar onto his back, then also hopped down. His dæmon followed him. He then held his hand out for Tiponi. She began to climb down, using his hand for support, but slipped on a limb. Matchi quickly put his hands out and caught her in his arms.

Tiponi just happened to look across and noticed Ekad standing on the bridge.





Here's the song. this is much better then the "leaves" song. much simpalure. enjoy. http://k.1asphost.com/Eeveeshayna/music-limb.wav

[Mew Trainer Rose]

That song was pretty good. Various bits about it sound like they were influenced by various artists I know you listen to, but on the whole its unique. Very nice, I could never come up with my own song. The best I could do is take an existing tune and write new lyrics for that. Or maybe write a song, but no tune (I seem to do well in my poetry writing class). Makes me wonder why I haven't heard the recording of your first song yet. I'm going to go do that. *scampers off*

Hmmm...The second one is undoubtedly better. The tune of the first is nice, as well as the sentiment, but I like the tune, lyrics, and delivery of the second better. Not to mention that the timing on the first kind of fell apart at the end. Yes, I will sing it with you when I get home. Which will be soon, there's only about 2 weeks left of school.

[eevee-shayna]

thank you rosie-chan!
yes, it tried recording my voice twice into the microphone, but without a metronome it doesn't come out all that good. i spent ours on that little diddy, too. but if you sing with we, then i can't mess it up! well, that's debatable, but it will certainly come out better.

last night the views of this fic were at 1762, and right now, about 7 hours later, the views are up to 1796. maybe my gymic "bonus song" in the title worked. Yatomatashi-wa tatose!

[mistysakura]

I will listen to that song when the bandwidth isn't exceeded. I like listening to other people's creations as I do a bit of songwriting myself (although for some reason my songs can get fairly morbid, and are all half-finished.) Anyway, the lyrics wre very sweet, and I actually started imagining a tune and guitar backing in my head (which is probably totally different to what you have.)

Regards the rest of the chapter, I'm glad to see a side of Matchi that the rest of the own seems to not knwo about. Gives him a nice taste of personality. He seems like a very individual character, a bit lof a loner perhaps, preferring to be on his own. And the ending is so shoujo, no point in denying it

Good job (by the way, I think the spelling and grammar's improving nicely. But then mr_pika will probably come along after his finals and prove me entirely wrong, unfortunately.) See you next chapter.

[eevee-shayna]

Misty, i'm glad you enjoy the song, and i can't wait to read your comments when you actually hear it. i'd love to hear your version as well, if you care to share. ^_^
Glad your enjoying the progression of the story. and after all, who doesn't like a good shojo (or shoujo, i've seen it correctly spelled both ways) once and a while? surely my fic has everything in it, and keeps you at the edge of your seat. i hope...



The next chapter is ready to be posted, but i'm debating whether i should wait for Sensai to come back, or if i should just go ahead and post. I'm thinking that Sensai reads many fics on this board, and i don't want to overwhelm him with chapters when he returns. as it is, he most have days if not weeks worth of reading to catch up on. so i'm debating between curtousy or popular demand. what do you guys think?

[eevee-shayna]

Seeing no comments, i'll just put up the next chapter. i've seen a few of sensai's posts, so you must be back. if you can't indepthly reply, that okay.

and now, to continue the shojo..

Chapter 33

Tiponi felt frozen, with her body draped over Matchi's arms. Ekad just stared at them with a look of horror and disbelief. They seemed to be as still as clay statues. Even Medwin's flame appeared to stop flickering. Suddenly, the statues seemed to crack and everything happened all too fast.

Ekad managed to whimper "Tiponi."

At the same time, Matchi set Tiponi down with the utmost care. Tiponi just stood still, not knowing what to do. Medwin walked over to his human. Matchi walked to the girl's side and stared at Ekad, who was still on the bridge.

Tiponi noticed the differences between the two of them. Matchi seemed set in his ways, but seemed to need something. His rebellious black hair gave him a dark appearance, which created a sort of aura around him. He seemed easy to read, yet there was something unreadable about him. Ekad, on the other hand, was lenient and understanding. He did not need anything else in his life but what he already had. His hair was much lighter then Matchi's and more tame. Ekad could be described as a nice boy, while Matchi seemed to be a bad boy. However, once you got to know them, neither could truly be put under set categories.

"Tiponi, come with me," Ekad said, holding his hand out to her. Though he was the type of person who could not force a decision upon someone and would let them choice, it was obvious that Ekad wanted Tiponi away from the boy that stood next to her.

She found herself faced with a difficult decision. It was like they had set her up to choose one of them. She didn't want to hurt either of them, but one would end up hurt.

Tiponi looked at her dæmon for some input, but he just looked away as if he wasn't even sure.

Hoping she could part from the scene without hurting them, Tiponi decided to speak her mind.

"I don't know why you two hate each other so much, but there is no reason for it."

Ekad responded by saying, "Tiponi, you can't be around him. He's trouble."

"And I suppose you are just a safe, nice kid who the conformist people of this city would approve of?” Matchi said. “How can you be so blind, Ekad? You are like a dumb cow in a heard, you are driven by society. You have no personality. You are all the same."

"You are both good people. You don't have to fight," Tiponi said desperately.

"Stay away from him and come with me!" Ekad cried.

Matchi grabbed Tiponi's arm. Not so hard that it hurt, but with a firm grip as if to keep her from going.

"You don't have to go with him, Tiponi. He only cares about facts, he has no creativity. You are better then him," Matchi said.

Tiponi, feeling uncomfortable, pulled her arm out of Matchi's grip. His expression was of pure shock. Ekad then took her hand and began to pull her across the bridge.

She resisted with yells of "Ekad!" But she still allowed him to lead her away. Medwin followed, not knowing what to do or what he wanted.

As she was pulled away, Tiponi could only look at Matchi. Him and his dæmon stood perfectly still, however his eyes were full of life. The image of Matchi's eyes, full of anger and desperation, was burned into her memory. And even as they disappeared into the forest, the image of his eyes remained fixated in her mind.

She had intended to not hurt anyone, but instead she had hurt both.

---

As they reached Cauda's home, the sky started to become darker. Ekad had not said a word the entire way. When they entered the room, Cauda greeted them.

"Tiponi, we were so worried! After you ran off we looked all over for you. They weren't going to hurt you, you know. They may have strong opinions, but they wouldn’t become violent for no reason," she said as Ekad closed the door.

Tiponi was nearly in tears, but she responded as steadily as she could.

"I'm so sorry for making you worry. But I'm really scared of crowds. Especially angry ones. I haven't had too many good experiences with angry crowds."

Cauda sighed.

"I understand. I'll be back in a moment, I have to tell our City Organizer that you're safe. Where were you?"

"She was with Matchi," said Ekad, on the verge of fuming.

Tiponi had never seen him like this. Still, she could not understand why he hated Matchi so much.

Cauda's eyes widened, but she said nothing. She pressed her lips together and left the room.

Ekad was silent for quite some time. Finally, Tiponi spoke.

"Ekad, why is Matchi trouble?" she said forcfully.

He turned to face her, but kept his eyes on the floor.

"Because, Tiponi, he has a bad reputation. I didn't want to tell you about it, but if it’ll keep you away from him, then I will tell. He is rebellious. He has been known to have a short temper and to beat people up. And once, once he nearly killed a boy. He put ground-up poison ivy in the boy's drink. The poor kid drank the poison ivy and his throat swelled up so much that he couldn't breathe. If I hadn't been around and fed the boy some herbs, he would have died.

"And do you know what Matchi said when we questioned him about it? He said that he hadn't put in enough poison ivy to kill the boy, only enough to teach him. Tiponi, Matchi is a sick kid! He is the youngest in a family of eight children, the bad seed who has always been trouble. I wouldn't even be surprised if Matchi was the one who started the fire!

"That's why you can't be around him! He is dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt. No one understands him and he could just change all the sudden and do something horrible."

"Well maybe if someone got to know him-!" Tiponi began.

Ekad was red-faced by now. He looked up at Tiponi.

"Tiponi, don't go near him. Just, don't."

He then left the room and went into the kitchen. Medwin started to go after Ekad, but he noticed that Tiponi wasn't moving, and he stopped. The Charmander walked to his human, looked up at her, then sat on their sleeping bag.

After a pause, Tiponi fell back onto the wall with a "thud", then let her body slide down the wall while her knees bent. When she reached the ground, Medwin noticed that her face was red, scrunched up, and full of tears. She did not make a sound, but just let the tears trickle down her face.

Medwin crawled onto her lap, and she held him fast in her arms.

Tiponi suddenly felt like a stranger in a strange place. She had just had her first real fight with a good friend. She was not the type of person to fight, but somehow it just happened.

No matter how hard she tried, no matter where she went, she always encountered fighting. The only type of fighting she liked was in a Quester battle. Fights did not belong between humans. Why did people hate each other so much!

"Medwin..." Tiponi said in a quiet sob.

The dæmon looked up at her. He wiped her eyes with his paws.

"Medwin, I think Matchi did light that fire," She sniffled.

"No one can prove that," Medwin said, trying to cheer her up.

"But think about it. He was short tempered about the judges leaving before his turn. The area around the stage was wet and full of rocks, as if he didn't want the fire to spread further then the stage." Tiponi said.

"If he started the fire, why did he only want the stage to burn?" Medwin asked.

"Because," Tiponi said, "It's like the poison ivy. He gave just enough so that he didn't kill anyone, but enough to teach his lesson."

"He's kind of like his house. The one that is on top of Swarm on a third floor," the Charmander thought aloud.

"What do you mean?" Tiponi asked.

"Well, it's the highest point, and its like it is teetering. Like he is uncertain, or crazy, and if he is even slightly pushed-" said Medwin.

"Then he'll crash down hard. He just needs some supports in his life. As long as no one pushes him, and he find some support, he won't be dangerous," finished Tiponi.

They sat still for a long time. Tiponi had stopped crying and had wiped the evidence off her face.

Cauda finally came back. They exchanged few words. Everyone had calmed down, but the fighting had been replaced by an uneasy silence.

Cauda made them supper, and they took a trip to the out house. Once they returned, everyone went to their beds early. But although they had gone to bed early, they knew it would take them a long time to fall asleep.

Tiponi felt awful ending the day with such tension in the air. Sitting up in her bed, she cleared her voice and took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Ekad and Cauda," she said, "I'm so sorry. Please, no more fighting."

"No more fighting." Ekad responded.

"Agreed" said Cauda.

Tiponi lay down in her bed with a smile on her face. It had been another crazy day in Swarm, but at least she would fall asleep with a glimmer of hope.

[mr_pikachu]

Can't reply in-depth? ...CAN'T REPLY IN-DEPTH?

Don't even joke like that!

*glances around nervously*

...Anyway...

Wow! It looks like we're finally getting to the action in the (normally) quiet town of Swarm. Excellent! I loved the reaction of the townspeople to Tiponi's speech, and the encounter with Matchi and Ekad was superb. Gotta love a dilemma! Will Tiponi trust Matchi? Is he more trouble than he's worth? I suppose we'll find out soon... Nice drama here. Good work with Tiponi's frightening experiences coming back to haunt her, too. I can completely understand the change in instincts. Nice.

I do think, though, that there were some things that could be improved upon. I've got them divided by chapter to make finding what I'm referring to easier.



---Chapter 31---

Her mother loved their family very dearly, but always wanted something more.

The part after the comma isn’t a complete sentence, so you either need to get rid of the comma or add a subject after it in an appropriate place. (“she” would be a good choice for the noun, in this case.)


Tiponi was continuously rubbing her eyes and shaking her head, but know one else besides Medwin noticed.

(know/no)


"The lady form the bath house is out their and her dæmon is spraying water at the fire," Medwin informed her.

(their/there)


The city of trees was paniced.

(paniced/panicked)


"Yes-Oh, Tiponi."

Well, first of all, I believe you need spaces separating the dash from the two words at its sides. Also, I’m pretty sure that the “Oh” should be lowercase, as the dash does not mark the end of a sentence and the start of a new one. There’s no other apparent reason why the “Oh” should be capitalized, so I believe it needs to be lowercase.


"So here is Tiponi." He said, stepping off the box as the crowd clapped, whispering loudly amongst themselves.

The part after the quote indicates a continuation of the sentence. A good clue for noticing this is the “He said” afterward. This describes the speech, so they must be in the same sentence. Therefore, not only should “He” be lowercase (as pronouns are not capitalized when they don’t start a sentence), but the period at the end of the quote should be a comma to indicate that the overall sentence continues. (…Sorry if that was confusing; I can take more time to try to explain it better if you need me to do that.)


[I]At the conclusion of her first sentence, several adults in the crowd yelled, "Speak Louder!"[/I}

“Louder” should not be capitalized.


"My hosts tell me that you do not get to much news about what is going on in the other towns and cities."

(to/too)


She felt so exposed to this hoard, standing alone on the wooden box.

(hoard/horde)


"Settle down!" He yelled at the emotional mass.

Again, the word “He” should be lowercase, as it continues the sentence that is started by the quote. However, the exclamation point at the end of the quote is fine, as it is an acceptable way to end a quote even if the overall sentence continues beyond it.


Tiponi paused in anticipation foe another outburst.

(foe/for)


Luck must have not been on Tiponi's side, because crowd suddenly erupted again.

Don’t you mean that the crowd suddenly erupted again? It’s not a proper noun, so you need to identify it with an article adjective. Those include “a”, “an”, and “the”.


Maybe she was overreacting, but she had so many bad experiences that it had become instinct to run away from agitated crowds.

I could be wrong here, but I believe that you need to say “…she had had so many bad experiences…” I’m not entirely certain about this particular rule, but I’m pretty sure that in order to keep the story in past tense, you must add the second “had”. …Yes, I know. You’d think that the first one would make it past tense, right? However, that only refers to the events before the current time in the fic, so in order to clarify that the current time also occurs in the past tense, you need the second “had”. …I think. This is one instance where you shouldn’t just take my word for it, because I’m really not certain. The first “had” might say enough in this case, so you may not need the second one. I do know that my example would be grammatically correct. It is only a question of whether the original sentence is correct as well. I don’t believe it is, but I really don’t know for certain. …That was a very long-winded response, wasn’t it?


Tiponi and Medwin had run aimlessly, and were hopelessly lost.

The part after the comma is again not a complete thought, so you should either get rid of the comma or add an appropriate subject to the part after it.


---Chapter 32---

This place seemed so quiet, like a get-a-way from the bustle of life.

The word “get-a-way” may be an alternative, but the more usual and more recognized way to spell it is simply “getaway”.


"Ok. This one's called "You Had Me on a Limb"."

When you use a quote inside of another quote, the interior one should be done in single quote marks (sort of like an apostrophe). So the quote marks around “You Had Me on a Limb” should be changed from double (“”) to single (‘’) quotes.


"It was more like this morning, but yeah." he said.

The period at the end of the quote should be a comma, since the overall sentence continues beyond the quote.


"I'm glad you said that, Tiponi." Matchi said happily.

Same as the one before.


---Chapter 33---

Tiponi noticed the differences between the two of them. Matchi seemed set in his ways, but seemed to need something. His rebellious black hair gave him a dark appearance, which created a sort of aura around him. He seemed easy to read, yet there was something unreadable about him. Ekad, on the other hand, was lenient and understanding. He did not need anything else in his life but what he already had. His hair was much lighter then Matchi's and more tame. Ekad could be described as a nice boy, while Matchi seemed to be a bad boy. However, once you got to know them, neither could truly be put under set categories.

In all candor, this isn’t the best way to give a description of the two characters. Frankly, it seems very forced. If you’re going to compare and contrast them, you need to blend that into something else. Maybe you could have Tiponi looking back and forth between them while trying to make her decision, or something. Blending description in with action is almost always a good way to make descriptions exciting.


"And I suppose you are just a safe, nice kid who the conformist people of this city would approve of?” Matchi said. “How can you be so blind, Ekad? You are like a dumb cow in a heard, you are driven by society. You have no personality. You are all the same."

Okay, first, (heard/herd). Second… how exactly did you end up changing the format of your quote marks here? The first and the fourth quote marks are in this style: "". On the other hand, the second and third quote marks are shown in this manner: “”. It’s slightly distracting. As a rule, try to always use generic punctuation in the same format. And third, take a look at the second sentence in the second quote. The comma separates two complete thoughts, yes, but it does so without utilizing a conjunction. Either you should change the comma to something else (such as a period or a semicolon), or you should add a conjunction after the comma, thus slightly changing the quote.


"He only cares about facts, he has no creativity. You are better then him," Matchi said.

The first sentence in the quote again uses a comma to break up two complete thoughts, but again does it without a conjunction. Once more, either you should change the comma to something else (such as a period or a semicolon), or you should add a conjunction after the comma, thus slightly changing the quote. Also, in the second quoted sentence, (then/than).


She resisted with yells of "Ekad!" But she still allowed him to lead her away.

Judging by the fact that “But” is capitalized, I assume you meant for these to be two separate sentences. However, since these are so closely related to each other, it’s probably best to combine them into one sentence as long as it doesn’t make the new sentence obscenely long. This usually makes the sentence flow better. However, this is a very tricky situation. You see, normally, if you were to do this, you would place a comma inside of the quote to show that the overall sentence continued beyond the quote itself. In this case, though, you can’t do that because of the exclamation point that’s already in that exact spot. You still need a comma here, but this is one situation that relies on some advanced grammatical rules. My best guess would be that you should place a comma after the end quote mark, but in all honesty, that’s little more than an educated guess. I don’t dare trust the judgments of Microsoft Word with an issue like this, and I’m a bit too tired to search all over the internet for the solution. Frankly, because of the complexity of the problem, I wouldn’t blame you at all if you leave this one just the way it is. It’s not the prettiest phrase, but I’d be willing to bet that whatever you’d get out of a grammatically correct combination would have punctuation marks crazily strewn all over it. Besides, this one’s technically grammatically correct anyway; it’s only an issue of aesthetics in the first place. *gasps for breath after overly long explanation*


Him and his dæmon stood perfectly still, however his eyes were full of life.

First, “Him” should be “He”. When looking at the forms of nouns in a sentence where one verb applies to multiple nouns, ask yourself what the proper form would be if there was only one noun present. In this case, the question would be which of the following would be grammatically correct:
Him stood perfectly still…
He stood perfectly still…
The latter example is correct, so “He” should replace “Him”. Also, “however” is not really a proper conjunction. Therefore, it cannot be grammatically correct after the comma here. An appropriate conjunction would be something more like “but”. Also, who does “his eyes” refer to? Are you talking about Matchi or his dæmon? It could refer to either of them here, so make sure you specify which one you mean with either a name or something like “the human’s eyes” or “the dæmon’s eyes”.


"I'll be back in a moment, I have to tell our City Organizer that you're safe."

Again, the comma divides two complete thoughts without a conjunction. See my previous comments if you want to know how to make it grammatically correct.


"The area around the stage was wet and full of rocks, as if he didn't want the fire to spread further then the stage." Tiponi said.

The overall sentence continues, so you can’t end the quote with a period. A comma would be more appropriate.


"Because," Tiponi said, "It's like the poison ivy."

It would appear that the second half of the quote is the second half of the spoken sentence, which began with “Because”. If the two pieces are parts of one sentence, then “It's” should not be capitalized (since it doesn’t begin a sentence).


"No more fighting." Ekad responded.

Again, you can’t end the quote with a period, because the overall sentence continues beyond that. It should be a comma.


"Agreed" said Cauda.

…However, you do need some form of punctuation to end the quote.



However, I do have some good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

*crickets chirp*

...Sorry. Bad joke. But really, there is a bit of good news about all my comments. For one thing, you need to realize that these points encompass everything I saw over three chapters, rather than the usual one. And frankly, I read a lot of fanfics in which I find twice as many things to point out in a single chapter than what I listed in this post. So you're doing alright in that regard. Also, some better news may be that the majority of these things are either homonym switches or are the same mistakes repeatedly. The homonyms are good news because once you learn those, you've completely solved that problem. And the fact that everything else includes only a few mistakes that are just repeated is good because, well, you only really have a few mistakes. Once you've mastered those grammar concepts, then those will be gone, as well. And the choice few that are truly unique are far more complex than what pretty much any of our fanfic writers worry about too much. And that's saying a lot, considering the skill of many of TPM's fanficcers. In short, you're doing well.

I guess there's not much else to say, other than keep up the good work! I love the drama you're finally giving us here, and I look forward to seeing the temperature turned up even more in the coming chapters! I'll see you then! *wave*


P.S. Before I forget, I wanted to make a point of giving a tidbit of advice. Never, ever delay your chapter posting for a single reader, no matter who that reader is. That'd be like J.K. Rowling delaying the publishing of a book because some kid somewhere in the world got sick. It'd just be wrong. Never worry about the stragglers; those fans will catch up eventually. You should only worry about the quality of your work and about keeping the fans who are up-to-date interested.


P.P.S. Okay, I have to ask. What does shojo/shoujo mean? I hate being in the dark on these inside jokes. >_>;;

[Mew Trainer Rose]

Shojo/shoujo comes from "shoujo manga", which I think translates to 'little girl's comics.' It refers to a genre of manga (which are Japanese comics, as you probably know) that revolves mainly around relationships, particularly the boy-girl romantic kind. I'm sure eevee could gladly tell you more, considering she taught a class on manga, but that's the general gist of it.

[eevee-shayna]

Glad to see you're back, Sensai! It's always rewarding to read your comments. how's your arm?

I gave Tiponi a little peace before for the festival, but now I'm bringing back the drama. It'll just escolate from here.

Shojo? It's a style of Manga. Shojo is the type that deals with relationships and that sort. Usually marketed toward girls. A good example is Marmalade Boy, where the main charactor's parents decide to switch partners with another couple and get married and then live in the same house. Only the other partners already had a son, Yuu, and the girl falls in love with him. But their is another boy she has a crush on but is losing feelings for but he begins to love her back. But then when the girl and Yuu confess their feelings for one another, they think they find evidence that they might be brother and sister. But then they decide that they love eachother anyway and will stay together, and then they find out that they are actually not related. That is a shojo. But they don't have to be that complicated.

Another type of manga is Shonen (as in Shonen Jump! if you've heard of it). Shonen is action and fighting and mostly aimed toward boys. An example is Naruto, because he is a ninja and fights and so on.

Those are the two main mangas, though there are many others. And if you would like me to explain mangas, feel free to ask. A couple of weeks back I taught a course on manga at a collage for a day, even though I'm only a sophmore in high school. My mom's friend teaches a class on young adult literature and wanted me to teah them about graphic novels, so a taught an hour long class.

By the way, did you listen to me sing Limb? I'd like to hear comments on it.

Next chapter should be up sometime. Specific, I know. Chapter 41 is about a 1/4 done, so when I finish it I'll post your next chapter.

Thanks for reading and please continue to tune in!

[mistysakura]

Hmm, seems like Tiponi's stuck choosing between the two of them. Since Ekad's got evidence of Matchi's dark side, like him almost killing that boy, I feel more inclined to believe him; Matchi does seem to have a fiery side. But then again, all people have their dark sides; I guess Matchi's is jsut a bit more out of control than most. You're building up the conflict well here.

P.S. I listened to Limb, your voice has a beautiful tone. Especially since you recorded it on the computer and everything, and my computer's speakers are a bit dysfunctional, it's great. Just some comments though; it seemed a bit nasal, but that could just have been my speakers; on the other hand, I thought I heard some pretty strange key changes/chord transitions in there which I'm pretty sure weren't my speakers' fault. Perhaps it was just becausae of the way you sang it, with quite a bit of sliding, that made it sound a bit strange. I'm not sure, I can't quite put my finger on it; sorry about that.

*notices that there's more song comment than fic comment* maybe I should stop now. Looking forward to the next chapter.

[eevee-shayna]

yes, i had Tiponi in a situation where she had to choose. and she ended up making both of them upset with her instead of just one. Matchi is a fun charactor. on one hand, i want to make him dark and intimidating. but on the other hand, i want the reader to develope their own oppinion and feelings about him.

thanks for listening to Limb! your coments are gladdly excepted. may i add that 1) it is supposed to be sung by a male (matchi) 2) a guitar is supposed to accompany it 3) i was just getting over a flu. all which may have distorted the actual sound of the song. however, i'm singing it for american idol or anything, it's just to give you an idea of what the song sound like. if any males with guitars would like to sing Limb and post it, be my guest. i'd love to hear what i would sound like.


and just in case anyone wanted to know, i've been waling around all day in just a slip because it has pretty paterns on it and i don't see why it should be hidden under a dress. ^_^

[eevee-shayna]

YES! TPM IS BACK ON!! time to celebrate with a new post!

Chapter 34

The day had been so exhausting that Tiponi dreamed only of blackness. A black dream, or rather absence of a dream, is a relaxing, yet terrifying, experience. Nothing is happing, so you are able to feel calm and at peace, but you are somewhat tense with fear, because anything could emerge from the darkness at any time. It is like the eerily tranquil period before a great storm comes. One would like to think that all is well, but fear of the unknown is always present.

When dawn came in the city of Swarm, residents awoke in their homes. Cauda and Ekad stirred as the morning light flooded into their room and danced on the furniture. Medwin greeted the new day with a yawn and stretch. His human met the day with a frightening continuation of her dream.

"Morning Tiponi," Medwin said in mid yawn. When the girl did not give a response, the Charmander got annoyed.

"Tiponi, why aren't you talking to me? I know you're awake, because your eyes are open."

The girl blinked in confusion. She was positive that she was still dreaming, because she could still see the pure black of her dream. She couldn't even see traces of light, just darkness. But if she could hear Medwin's voice, then it couldn't be a dream.

She felt around her. She could feel the soft fabric of her sleeping bag, and the warm cloth of her nightgown. She then heard the sound of people climbing down the ladder from the ceiling beds.

Tiponi gasped. She was awake!

"Morning," she could hear Ekad say.

"Ekad!" Tiponi said in a panicked voice.

"Tiponi?" he responded, sounding worried.

"Tiponi, tell him," the Charmander urged.

"Tell me what? Tiponi, you're scaring me now,” he said.

"I-I can't see. I can't see, Ekad," she sobbed.

"What's going on?" asked Cauda. Tiponi could hear her hastily scurrying down the ladder.

"She can't see, mom!" cried Ekad.

"What!" Causa exclaimed, "We have to bring her to Hakui!"

"I'm sure it will pass," the girl said. She was afraid, but she was also too proud, deep down inside, to ask anyone for help. She didn't want to rely on someone else, and had stubbornly kept this weakness to herself.

"I don't want to ask for help either, but your sight is at stake here," Medwin pleaded with his human.

"Come on, we'll take you to Hakui. He is a nice man that can help you." Ekad said.

The girl did not speak, but thankfully she stood up.

Hurriedly she was rushed out to the door and through what seemed like and endless path. She felt like she was blindfolded and was being led down paths, around corners, and down stairs.

When the trip finally ended, she could hear one of her companions knocking on what she presumed was the man's door.

"Come on Hakui, hurry up," Cauda murmured under her breath.

After a pause, Tiponi could hear the sound of the door creak open.

"And who is visiting me so early- oh, hello Cauda. And to what do I owe for the pleasure of your company this fine morning?"

"Hakui, I need you to assist this girl," said Cauda quickly.

"Well then, come in, come in," Hakui said.

Tiponi could feel herself being led forward as she heard the sound of shuffling feet and the creaking of the door closing. She could smell the room was thick with plumes of heavy scents.

"Now then, what seems to be the problem?" said Hakui.

"She can't see," Cauda answered.

"Really? That is a problem. Here, sit in this chair- what did you say your name was?" he asked.

"I'm Tiponi." she said, as she was led into a seat. Her dæmon hopped onto her lap once she had sat down.

"You can sit as well. And I see your son has returned from his outing. Please sit," Hakui said, presumably to Cauda.

Tiponi could hear the sound of chair legs scrapping against the hard wood floor as they were being pulled nearer to her.

"Alright Tiponi, tell me, can you see blurry figures, or light?" he asked.

"No," she said, as she shook her head.

"Nothing, huh? How long has this lasted?" he asked.

"When I woke up this morning." she answered. She could hear him scratching notes onto a paper.

"Ah-huh. And is this the first time this has happened?" he asked.

"N-no. It's been happening for awhile now. Ever since--ever since I was attacked by a man on the outskirts of Hot Springs. And every morning my vision is distorted, bu-but it always comes back," Tiponi said.

"That's why you always took so long to get up in the morning." Ekad said quietly.

"Attacked, you say? Let me examine your eyes," Hakui said, "May I ask your dæmon to hold his flame near your eyes?"

Tiponi nodded. She could then feel Medwin shift his placement on her lap, and she could feel the warmth of the flame near her face.

"Thank you. Now please stay still. I'm going to take a closer look at your eyes with a little invention of mine." he said.

Tiponi stood as still as she could as he concentrated on her eyes. She could not see him, but she could feel his presence close to her.

"Hmm," he said occasionally, then he’d jot down notes. He also moved her eyelids and asked her to look in different directions.

Eventually, he must have finished, because he said, "Your dæmon my lower his flame." Tiponi felt her skin become relieved from the flame's heat.

After a pause she asked, "What's wrong with my eyes, sir?" He waited a moment before answering.

"It's my professional opinion that your eye tissue has been disturbed due to that attack you spoke of. The damage has stunted your eyes' functions. They have a disturbance in them that is preventing your vision from operating correctly. You see, when you go to sleep you're not using your eyes so they stop working normally. Then when you wake up, they take a bit of time to readjust. They can be restored, but they will require assistance to bring them back to proper working condition.

“First, I will need to clean your eyes. Your tears do this normally. However, I believe there is a thin film around your eye socket; probably liquid from the vitreous humor, which was most likely punctured during that attack. I also have some herbs that will relax your optic nerve and allow it to transfer the information from your pupil to your brain. After that, I am going to ask you to wear glasses to adjust your eyesight. To tune up your eyes, sort to speak. Alright, Tiponi?" Hakui said.

Tiponi was completely lost, but she had gathered that he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. She just nodded in agreement.

He got right to work doing whatever he said he would do. He tilted her head back and poured a liquid into her eyes, which made them sting. Her eyelids instinctively shut, trying to protect her eyes from the foreign substance. Then she blinked rapidly, as her eyes became teary.

At Hakui’s direction, she leaned her head back upright. A cloth was dabbed around her eyes to remove the surplus liquid. Once that was finished, strong-smelling herbs were placed near her eyes, which began to feel cool. After a long moment, the blackness seemed to part and she could see her surroundings. Tiponi laughed in glee.

"I can see!" she exclaimed happily. The group joined her in rejoycing.

Tiponi took her time looking round the room. Her dæmon sat on her lap looking relieved, a man with a short, white beard stood in front of her holding a cup filled with strong herbs. His dæmon, a Vileplume, stood next to him. Ekad and Cauda sat in wooden chairs next to her, still in their night clothes. The room was filling with cabinets, containers, and counters. A large window revealed a vast garden outside. There were also many plants growing inside.

Hakui took the cup away from Tiponi and placed a cap on it. He smiled triumphantly.

"This is good news. Now let me get those glasses." he said. He turned to a cabinet and began to pull out boxes.

"Thank you very much, sir. May I ask what glas-es are?" Tiponi said excitedly.

"You are certainly welcome. And glasses are two cuts of tinted glass in a wire frame that rests on your nose. My grandfather invented them. You will need them for a period of time in order to correct your vision." he said as he continued to rummage.

"But I can already see correctly." Tiponi said confusedly.

"Yes, but your eyes must be tuned to the proper focus. They will start to become fuzzy if they don't have the proper guidance. It’s just to balance your vision. Ah-ha, found them." He said.

He walked over to Tiponi holding a box. He pulled out three objects.

"Try this one on." he said, as he placed one with rounded lenses on her face. He slipped the ends atop her ears and rested the middle on her nose.

Tiponi's vision became blurry, and her eyes started to feel strained.

"How do they feel?" Hakui asked.

"They hurt a little," Tiponi said, jerking them off. Hakui took them from her and placed on one with oval-shaped lenses.

Tiponi blinked a few times, but was relived to find that the device did not hurt her eyes. It felt a little intense, but more of an aid. It was just a little stronger then she needed to see.

"How do they feel?" Hakui asked again.

"Just a bit too strong." Tiponi commented.

"Perfect," He said, "Your eyes well adjust to them and slowly correct your vision." He put away the ones they weren't using and placed the box back in the cabinet.

"Do I have to wear these forever?" Tiponi said, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"Don't worry, you only require them until your vision is fixed. I can't predict when your vision fill be fixed, but you will know. Also, I want you to use some eye drops every morning, just a drop in each eye when you wake up. When you put them in, tilt your head back and keep your eyes open, and don't rub your eyes afterward," he said. His dæmon handed her a bottle filled with a liquid.

Tiponi took the bottle, as a knock sounded on the door. Hakui opened the door and revealed a woman with a little boy.

"Sorry to bother you Hakui, but it's my boy. He's been fooling around again and hurt himself," she said

Hakui turned to his present company.

"It's time you leave. I will take 20 coins and 5 loaves of your delicious bread, Cauda, for payment. You can pay me later on in the day," He said.

The troop stood up and headed to the door as the new customers entered.

"Thank you very much Hakui," Tiponi said.

"I'm glad I could help," he responded.

The group left the room and closed the door behind them. Tiponi saw that they were on the ground level of the city. She smiled joyfully, happy that she could see again.

Medwin looked at his human's new glasses, then began to laugh hysterically. Tears began to roll down his face. He had one paw pointing at Tiponi, and the other clutching his stomach.

"I'm glad you find me amusing Medwin, but I don't appreciate you making fun of me." Tiponi said, feeling foolish for having the contraption on her face.

The troop made the journey back to the apartment, all in a better mood after the morning's panic had been resolved. Tiponi was relieved that her eyesight was restored and that she would no longer have to worry about it. Things were looking up, and hopefully the day would be relaxing and uneventful.

[mistysakura]

Well, I'm glad that Tiponi can see again, although it even seems like a bit of disappointment how she was treated, after all the drama and everything. Even a bit of an anticlimax. Anyway, I'm not surprised that Tiponi's never heard of glasses before; weird panes of glass on a frame that you prop on your eyes sounds strange even to me when put that way, adn that's probably how Tiponi would think of them. Hope to see the next chapter soon, but I might not be reading for a while, what with Harry Potter and sport and homework and all that stuff. So see you later.

[eevee-shayna]

Well, I'm glad that Tiponi can see again, although it even seems like a bit of disappointment how she was treated, after all the drama and everything. Even a bit of an anticlimax. Anyway, I'm not surprised that Tiponi's never heard of glasses before; weird panes of glass on a frame that you prop on your eyes sounds strange even to me when put that way, adn that's probably how Tiponi would think of them. Hope to see the next chapter soon, but I might not be reading for a while, what with Harry Potter and sport and homework and all that stuff. So see you later.

Anti-climactic, eh? Come on, you should know my writing style for this story by now. NOTHING is in there for no reason. some things just take longer to conclude.

now, what did i do this weekend. CONNECTICON!!! The awsomeness I beholded, there's too much to describe! but I can tell you my highlights.
1) I was cosplaying Tohru from Fruits Basket
2) Watching Piano Squall
3) Glomping a poor inocent Kyo
4) Watching the finals for the DDR tournament (they were on the setting above heavy and using chairs)
5) the Cosplay Masqarade, which also included skits.

Squee! so much excitement!

[mr_pikachu]

...And I've FINALLY gotten around to catching up with this fic! *confetti falls from the ceiling* Hooray!

Well, Tiponi was finally forced to confront the issue of her eyesight. I doubt this'll be the last of her visual troubles, though. It can't possibly be resolved that easily. I'd bet that there's more to this problem than a little eye trouble. Nice way to bring a chilling opening to the chapter. I really liked the cold simplicity of the statement "She was awake!" That gave me a shiver. Nicely done, there.

That doesn't mean that I won't be giving some comments, though... *groans fill the room*



A black dream, or rather absence of a dream, is a relaxing, yet terrifying, experience. Nothing is happing, so you are able to feel calm and at peace, but you are somewhat tense with fear, because anything could emerge from the darkness at any time. It is like the eerily tranquil period before a great storm comes. One would like to think that all is well, but fear of the unknown is always present.

In the first sentence of this reference, you need a “the” before “absence”. An article adjective (“a”, “an”, or “the”) is often required to be placed before non-proper nouns. (In case you don’t already know, a proper noun would be something that would have to be capitalized, like a name, country, title, etc. Note the use of article adjectives in this explanation.) You should delete the comma after “terrifying” since the list does not continue past that word. Also, the second comma should be deleted as well, since it is not part of a list and it breaks the sentence into two fragments of thoughts (rather than complete thoughts). In the second sentence, “happing” should be replaced with “happening”, and the third comma doesn’t need to be there. I can’t think offhand of any rule its presence breaks, but since you already have two commas in this sentence, it might be best to avoid adding another. That way, your flow can be smoother. You could delete the third comma or simply break this sentence into two or more smaller sentences. Also, the overall paragraph is in present tense. That’s problematic. It doesn’t explicitly break a grammar rule because of the way in which it you’ve done it, but it still doesn’t look that great aesthetically.

*gasps for air*


"Morning Tiponi," Medwin said in mid yawn.

There should be a comma after “Morning”, since that is technically an introductory phrase. (It usually also includes “Good” before it, but leaving that out is a more relaxed method of saying the phrase that conveys the same message.) Also, you need a hyphen between “mid” and “yawn” to create one word, “mid-yawn”. This is often the case with prefixes such as “mid”. You need the hyphen when the prefix is used in non-standard ways, as opposed to its placement in standard words such as “middle” and “midnight”.


She couldn't even see traces of light, just darkness.

This isn’t actually grammatically correct since the part after the comma is not a complete thought. However, I can see the effect you are creating with this sentence, so it should be alright. I just thought I should point it out to you.


"Morning," she could hear Ekad say.

"Ekad!" Tiponi said in a panicked voice.

"Tiponi?" he responded, sounding worried.

"Tiponi, tell him," the Charmander urged.

"Tell me what? Tiponi, you're scaring me now,” he said.

"I-I can't see. I can't see, Ekad," she sobbed.

This felt very rushed. It was simply one quote after another. I know you’re trying to show the panic here, but you could do that even more effectively with a little description of things such as frantic movements. Hold the intensity that you’ve worked so hard to create for a longer amount of time; don’t make it a blur.


"What!" Causa exclaimed, "We have to bring her to Hakui!"

First, (Causa/Cauda). Second, you can’t have two separate quotes for two separate spoken sentences in one sentence of text. You can only do that if the quoted sentence is split like the following:

“Well,” she sputtered anxiously, “we have to bring her to Hakui!”

In this example one quoted sentence is split, so you don’t have to have separate sentences for each quote. In your example, though, the comma after “exclaimed” should be changed to a period.


She didn't want to rely on someone else, and had stubbornly kept this weakness to herself.

The phrase after the comma is not a complete thought. Either delete the comma or complete the thought with an appropriate noun. (Just so you know, an “appropriate noun” would be one that the main verb in the sentence or thought acts on. It’s true that “weakness” is a noun, but it was Tiponi who kept it to herself.)


"He is a nice man that can help you." Ekad said.

You can’t end the quote with a period since the overall sentence continues after the quote. Therefore, the first period should be changed to a comma.


The girl did not speak, but thankfully she stood up.

While this sentence has no grammatical errors, it should be noted that it is often a bad idea to show opinions in a third-person narrative. The descriptor “thankfully” is very much an opinion. It would be better if you said that the characters were thankful that Tiponi stood up, or something along those lines.


Hurriedly she was rushed out to the door and through what seemed like and endless path.

The second “and” should be changed to “an”.


She could smell the room was thick with plumes of heavy scents.

This is worded a little confusingly. It would be a little better if Tiponi “could smell that the room was…” That way, you don’t begin with the reader thinking, “Tiponi could smell the room.” That means something quite different than what you ended up saying, so this sentence is somewhat confusing in this manner. Don’t make your readers have to recover their train of thought; allow them to gracefully flow through your work without having to think about the meaning of your sentences.


"I'm Tiponi." she said, as she was led into a seat.

As before, you can’t end a quote with a period when the overall sentence extends beyond the quote. Also, the comma is unnecessary. It disrupts the flow of your sentence a bit much, so it might be a good idea to discard it.


Tiponi could hear the sound of chair legs scrapping against the hard wood floor as they were being pulled nearer to her.

(scrapping/scraping). Also, you may want to change “hard wood” to “hardwood”, depending on what you’re trying to say. (If you want to say that it is literally wood that is hard, you may want to consider changing it instead to something more like “hard, wooden”.)


"Alright Tiponi, tell me, can you see blurry figures, or light?" he asked.

“Alright” is an introductory word, so you need a comma after it. Because of that, you may want to change the comma after “Tiponi” to a period. This will help to break the string of many commas in a row. Also, the last comma should be deleted. The part after it is not a complete thought.


"No," she said, as she shook her head.

The second comma can and probably should be deleted, since it really disrupts the flow of the sentence.


"When I woke up this morning." she answered.

The first period should be deleted. You can see why from some of the previous notes.


"Let me examine your eyes," Hakui said, "May I ask your dæmon to hold his flame near your eyes?"

As I said previously, you can’t put two separate quotes for two separate spoken sentences in one sentence of text. Thus, the comma after “said” should instead be a period.


"Hmm," he said occasionally, then he’d jot down notes.

This isn’t worded very well. The part after the second comma would be more appropriately stated as “jotting down notes”. The reference to “he” before still applies, so you can use that after the comma in place of another noun or pronoun referring to Hakui. It fits better with the previous action, as well. If you were making a list in order of things he did repeatedly, your phrase would work much better. (An example might be He would say “Hmm,” then he’d jot down some notes before focusing back on Tiponi’s eyes.)


Eventually, he must have finished, because he said, "Your dæmon my lower his flame."

The second comma can be deleted, since it only disrupts the flow. Also, (my/may).


The group joined her in rejoycing.

(rejoycing/rejoicing)


Her dæmon sat on her lap looking relieved, a man with a short, white beard stood in front of her holding a cup filled with strong herbs.

You need a conjunction after the first comma. Something like “and”, “but”, “while”, etc. would qualify.


The room was filling with cabinets, containers, and counters.

This sounds like someone is bringing these things into the room to fill it while Tiponi is sitting there. Changing “filling” to something like “filled” or “nearly filled” would be a lot clearer.


"This is good news. Now let me get those glasses." he said.

The period at the end of the quote should be a comma for the same reason as before.


"You will need them for a period of time in order to correct your vision." he said as he continued to rummage.

Same as the previous one.


"But I can already see correctly." Tiponi said confusedly.

Same as the previous two.


"Ah-ha, found them." He said.

Same as the previous three. Oh, and “He” should not be capitalized, since it can’t begin the sentence. (The segment after the quote cannot stand alone as a sentence since it must refer to the quote.)


"Perfect," He said, "Your eyes well adjust to them and slowly correct your vision."

First, “He” should not be capitalized. Second, (well/will). Third, these are two separate sentences in the quotes, so you’ve got to split the overall sentence. The comma after “said” should therefore be a period.


"I can't predict when your vision fill be fixed, but you will know."

(fill/will)


He's been fooling around again and hurt himself," she said

…There’s no end punctuation at the end of the sentence! Shame, shame.


"Thank you very much Hakui," Tiponi said.

You need a comma before “Hakui”, as it’s considered to be a concluding phrase when used in this manner.


Medwin looked at his human's new glasses, then began to laugh hysterically.

The phrase after the comma is not a complete thought. In this case, it’s probably best if you just add a reference to Medwin in that phrase. (An example would be “…then he began to laugh hysterically.”)


"I'm glad you find me amusing Medwin, but I don't appreciate you making fun of me." Tiponi said, feeling foolish for having the contraption on her face.

The period at the end of the quote should again be a comma.



Even though there were a lot of things to look at, though, you should take heart in a few facts. First, this was a much longer chapter than usual, if I'm not mistaken. Second, the majority of these errors were either the same as others or very obscure mistakes. And third, as you've found out over time, I'm very, very picky. And the pickier I am, the better you can assume your writing is. I look a lot harder when the problems get smaller.

Besides, your writing was pretty effective despite these comparatively minor points. It's a good sign when you're able to give even one reader a chill, because that means that you're instilling the drama that you want into your fic. And you did a pretty good job expressing what you wanted to say, for the most part. I like the direction this is going, and the many possibilities that could arise from this make it all the better. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Until then!

[eevee-shayna]

Gald to see you, Pikachu Sensei. I'm glad you are enjoying my writing style, as well. i try.

and as always, i'm glad that you took the time to pick apart the chapter. you know, i can honostly say that your pickyness has made me a better writer. i look at my schoolwork and realize that half the grammer and litterary techniques are things you pointed out to me. arigato for your peer teaching.

and now, the next chapter is due up. enjoy.


Chapter 35

The moment they reached Cauda’s door, Tiponi knew that the day would not be relaxing and uneventful as she had hoped it would be. Lying on the platform in front of door was a small bouquet of flowers. They were a delicate arrangement of brightly colored flowers and leaves that would lure any girl to them. Tiponi loved flowers and she looked longingly at the exotic arrangement in front of her.

They stared at the flowers, puzzled and curious.

“I can’t remember what type of flowers they are,” Ekad said.

“They look like they're rare,” said Cauda.

“I wonder how they got here,” Tiponi said. She walked over to them and bent down to pick them up. Just as she was about to, Ekad yelled, “No!”

He ran over to the flowers and kicked them off the edge of the platform. Tiponi stood back up.

“What was wrong?” she asked.

“They were very poisonous plants. I couldn’t remember what they are at first, but they are very rare. I haven’t seen them in a long time,” Ekad said.

“But who would go through the trouble of getting the rare flowers, arranging them, and putting them here?” Tiponi asked.

Instantly, only one person came to Tiponi’s mind. And by the look of everyone else’s faces, it was clear that they all had the same thought: Matchi.

“Let’s go inside,” Clauda said, hurrying to the door.

They all nodded and entered the room. Clauda closed the door behind them, then headed to the kitchen.

Tiponi and Ekad stood in silence for a while. They could hear dishes clanking together as Cauda prepared breakfast in the kitchen.

A thought suddenly popped into Tiponi’s mind. The book! The book she had bought at the festival! She hadn’t had the opportunity to read it before, but she could now. She reached into her pack and pulled out the book. As she sat down on her traveling bed, Medwin and Ekad noticed what she was doing. Curious, they huddled closer to the girl. Ekad pulled over a chair, and Medwin sat on his human’s lap. Tiponi scanned the cover. Although her new glasses made it difficult to concentrate on objects close to her, she squinted and was able to see the book. The covers and binding were made of a thick, red-brown leather. Imprinted on the cover read Legends, Legendaries, and Their Meanings. Under the title was a picture of five large birds. They were vast creatures that no one had ever had for dæmons. They weren’t even birds that lived in the wild or were tamed. They were something else. They were legendaries. Tiponi knew, of course, about the legendaries. Some people, like the Hot Springs type, would tell you that they were myth. But most Mineral Mountain residents knew they existed.

Tiponi opened the book and turned to the first page. Medwin read aloud.

“The beautiful creatures of mystery, as seen on the cover, have the designations of: Moltres, Articuno, Zapdos, Lugia, and Ho-oh. These phantasmagoric birds have fascinated and inspired the inhabitants of Mineral Mountains since the region’s birth. Many tales surround them, which you will hear about throughout this book, as well as many other legends of these mountains. You are invited to read on about that which some may consider an ideality.”

Medwin stopped and looked up at his human.

“Sounds interesting, but the language is a bit tough,” Medwin said.

“Yeah, I don’t even know what phantasmagoric is. Is it even a real word?” Tiponi asked.

“Sure it is,” Ekad said, “It means ‘fantastic’ or ‘dreamlike’.”

Suddenly, Kyuubi entered the room, carrying a basket in his mouth. He walked into the room and dropped the basket on the table.

“Breakfast’s ready. Come and get it,” said the Ninetales. Cauda entered the room behind him, carrying a pot of tea and tableware.

Tiponi put the book away in her pack, and the troop sat around the table. Cauda poured tea for everyone and Ekad served the food from the basket. He placed a stack of flat, soft, bread-like things on each plate. He cut up Anata’s and Kyuubi’s food. Ekad then pulled out a bottle from the basket. He took out a cork from the top, and poured some of its contents on his breakfast. It was a thick, brown liquid that smelled sweet. He took the liberty of pouring some on everyone’s plates. When everyone had some, he corked the bottle and stowed it back in the basket.

Tiponi and Medwin stared curiously at their meals. It seemed odd, but it smelled wonderful. Anata saw them and chuckled.

“You two look so confused. I’m guessing you’ve never had pancakes and syrup before,” she said. Ekad looked up.

“You’ve never had pancakes before? That’s such a crime! Eat them, they’re good. The syrup, the liquid stuff, is made from sap tapped out of maple trees. Or birch. It’s good.” Ekad said.

Tiponi picked up her fork and knife. She speared the pancakes with her fork and cut off a piece. Having been successful at that task, she then brought the piece to her mouth. At first taste, she was instantly in love. No longer timid, she dove into the food, enjoying the sweet syrup and warm pancakes. Medwin discovered the wonderful taste and dug in as well.

They were quite happy through the duration of the meal, and satisfyingly full at the end. Following the meal, Cauda and Kyuubi cleaned the table, then the troop took a quick trip to the out-houses. On their return to the room, Cauda and her dæmon disappeared into the kitchen, saying something about baking bread.

Left alone, Ekad and Tiponi retired to some comfortable chairs with Legends, Legendaries, and Their Meanings in hand. Medwin agreed to continue reading, on account of Tiponi having new glasses she wasn’t yet accustomed to.

“Chapter One-The Legendaries,” Medwin read, “Surrounding Moltres, Articuno, Zapdos, Lugia, and Ho-Oh is myth and tradition. These beasts of fire, ice, light, the seas and rainbows revolve the world year after year. It is said that on the birth of each new year, the birds take turns to greet the new moon. Children and elders alike stay up late at night to greet the new moon, new year, and that year’s beast. It is said that at the Mineral Mountain’s creation, the first bird, Moltres, heated the first mountain until it became a volcano that erupted. The following year, after the lava had created land rich with minerals, Articuno flew the skies and cooled the lava. Zapdos followed and brought light to the land. Lugia filled the land with water. And Ho-Oh brought color to the land with flourishing plants. These birds continue to check on our land and its fertility.”

“I do that,” Tiponi said, referring to the ceremony of staying up to see the new year.

“Me too. I always want to see the legendaries fly in the sky. They are so amazing,” Ekad said.

“Yeah. I remember falling asleep when I was little, because I couldn’t stay up that long. But I always try. When you see one fly in the sky, you know it’s a new year. I was born in the year of the Moltres,” Tiponi said.

“Makes sense, since you ended up with a fire-type pokémon for a dæmon. I was born in a year Lugia flew by. But you could probably figure that out, since I’m two years older then you and Lugia is two birds before Moltres. It’s easy to keep track of our history because the years revolve in that five-bird pattern.”

Tiponi nodded and flipped through the book. She scanned chapter titles, until she found one of interest.

“The Legendaries and Their Meaning.” Tiponi read, having some difficulty due to new glasses.

Medwin took interest and looked on with his human. Finding a preferable paragraph, he began to read aloud.

“Moltres. If you are born in the year of the Moltres, you are said to have a fiery personality. You have great determination and enjoy challenges. You are not one to give up, and like a fire, you will continue your task until it is finished, or until you are stopped. You see things through and don’t like help. You are like a strong flame that won’t go out without a fight. You are energetic and pick things up quickly. You are compatible with people born in the year of Ho-oh, because of your similar ambitions.” Medwin read.

“Sounds more like Medwin, not me.” Tiponi noted.

“Medwin is your dæmon, so it has to be both of you. There must be a reason why he has that personality, and is a Charmander. It can’t be coincidence,” Ekad said.

As Tiponi though about it, Anata crawled over to the book and searched the page. Finding what she was looking for, she read the paragraph.

“Lugia. You have a cool personality. You are not one to get flustered easily, and take situations on calmly. You are very open and accepting. You take pleasure from simple things and do not require much to be happy. You are reliable, and friendly to most people. You can be described as lenient and understanding. You are compatible with a person born in the year of Articuno, because you are both calm and negotiable.”

They were quiet for a moment as they thought about it. Anata crawled back her human and made herself comfortable on his lap.

After a pause of thought, Tiponi looked up at Ekad.

“If someone was 18, they would be an Articuno, right?” she asked him.

Ekad counted on his fingers.

“Articuno would be correct. Do you know someone?” he said.

“Just a...friend of mine,” Tiponi said. She scanned the pages for the passage. When she found it, she pointed to the paragraph for her dæmon to read.

“Articuno,” he read, “You are calm, decisive, and honest. You feel a strong connection to the water, and are a hard worker. You can adapt easily to situations. You are especially gifted in a few skills. You are not one to forget anything. You stay true to your word. You keep a cool head in tough situations. You are compatible with Moltres, because your calm personality and their fiery one matches up.”

Tiponi pierced her lips and stared at the page. It was certainly something to think about. Many thoughts had been stirred in her mind, and they wouldn’t be settled anytime soon.

“Come in here for a moment, would you?” Cauda yelled from the kitchen. Tiponi hastily put the book away in her pack. The gang stood up and met Cauda in the small, warm room.

“Here, take these loaves and coins to Hakui. I’m going to leave for work. I’ll be home late, so don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone. Take care, kids.” Cauda said, handing them a large basket.

With a few parting words, the two teenagers left for Hakui’s.

[mr_pikachu]

Well, it's good to see another chapter here! Interesting twist at the start. I'm really starting to wonder if Matchi's really as bad as the residents of Swarm seem to be making him out to be. That comment near the end about a "friend" being 18 intrigued me. I might have to go back and read, because I can't quite remember who in this fic is that age. Etchemin, maybe? I suppose it'll be cleared up in time.

There were some things worth commenting on, though. I've listed them below.



The moment they reached Cauda’s door, Tiponi knew that the day would not be relaxing and uneventful as she had hoped it would be.

This is only an aesthetic point, but you could end this sentence at the word “hope” and just cut off the rest of it. The final three words are implied, so I believe it should be fine to trim the sentence so it doesn’t drag on needlessly. Even if conciseness is more important in reports than in fiction, it is still often a bad idea to extend a sentence without a good reason.


Lying on the platform in front of door was a small bouquet of flowers.

Okay, time for me to get really picky with aesthetics. This sentence is written in a passive form, as opposed to an active form. Let me demonstrate what I mean:

A small bouquet of flowers was lying on the platform in front of the door.

This is an active sentence. Notice that the verb (“was lying”) is written after the subject of the sentence (which in this case is the “bouquet”). In your sentence, the verb precedes the noun, thus making your sentence a passive one. It is almost always a good idea to use active sentences whenever possible. That gets your reader more engaged in what you’re saying. A passive sentence, on the other hand, can be somewhat dull or even confusing. That is why active sentences are typically preferable to active ones.


“Let’s go inside,” Clauda said, hurrying to the door.

(Clauda/Cauda)


Clauda closed the door behind them, then headed to the kitchen.

First, (Clauda/Cauda). Second, the phrase after the comma is not a complete thought. You should either delete the comma or add a noun to the part after it (which I believe would have to be a reference to Cauda, if she was indeed the one who “headed to the kitchen”).


He placed a stack of flat, soft, bread-like things on each plate. He cut up Anata’s and Kyuubi’s food.

The “He” is only mildly redundant, but it is still noticeable. Try to come up with an alternative method for describing Ekad’s actions in at least one of the sentences.


He took out a cork from the top, and poured some of its contents on his breakfast.

Again, the phrase after the comma is not a complete thought. One of the previously mentioned methods can be used to remedy this problem.


He took out a cork from the top, and poured some of its contents on his breakfast.

The phrase after the comma is again not a complete thought.


Tiponi picked up her fork and knife. She speared the pancakes with her fork and cut off a piece.

This feels a little choppy in my opinion. You might want to consider combining these two sentences into one. But in all honestly, this is only an aesthetic judgment on my part.


“Chapter One-The Legendaries,” Medwin read, “Surrounding Moltres, Articuno, Zapdos, Lugia, and Ho-Oh is myth and tradition.

I believe it is safe to assume that the chapter title and the text following it are not in fact one sentence. If I am correct in this assumption, then you can’t split the quote where the title and the sentence are divided in the book’s text while keeping the whole thing in one sentence. If you quote two separate sentences then they cannot be connected to each other via commas (or any similar punctuation mark) between the quotes. Here are some examples of what I mean.

“The ring is gone,” Max said, “I don’t know where it went.”

In this example, there are two separate quoted sentences, but there is only one sentence overall. That is grammatically incorrect, so the comma after “said” should be changed to an end punctuation mark such as a period or an exclamation point.

“Since the ring is gone,” Max said, “I think we should look for it.”

You can clearly see that each quoted fragment here is a piece of one sentence. Since they combine to form a single sentence, it is grammatically correct to connect the quoted pieces with commas after the first quote and after “said”. In fact, when the quotes are pieces of one sentence as is the case here, it would be grammatically incorrect to separate them. The basic rule of thumb is that if the quotes are pieces of one sentence, connect them. If they are from separate sentences, they should be separated. You should still follow the same rules as before with continuing sentences beyond quotes, though. (The next note should serve as a reminder of that in case you have forgotten.)


“The Legendaries and Their Meaning.” Tiponi read, having some difficulty due to new glasses.

Since the sentence continues beyond the quote, the period after “Meaning” should be changed to a comma.


You are compatible with people born in the year of Ho-oh, because of your similar ambitions.” Medwin read.

Since the quote is from another piece of literature, the normal criticism of having an incomplete thought after the first comma wouldn’t apply. You have to stick to the errors of other works, even if it is a fictional work of your own creation. However, you still need to change the period after “ambitions” to a comma. That rule still applies, since it does not affect the quoted text. (That is, a period concluding that quoted sentence would have to be changed to a comma anyway under the rules of quotations. That would not affect the original text itself.)


“There must be a reason why he has that personality, and is a Charmander.”

As before, the phrase after the comma is an incomplete thought.


As Tiponi though about it, Anata crawled over to the book and searched the page.

(though/thought)


Tiponi pierced her lips and stared at the page.

She pierced her lips? Ouch! …Just so you know, I believe the word you were thinking of is “pursed”, which refers to puckering.


“Take care, kids.” Cauda said, handing them a large basket.

Again, you can’t end a quote with a period if the sentence continues beyond it. It should instead be a comma.



It may seem like a lot, but there weren't that many errors. Actually, what made that segment lengthy were my long explanations of the rules involved. I'm sure a grammar booklet could go over those points much clearer and shorter than my method. Also, you're getting better at avoiding some of the more common mistakes that I've mentioned in the past. I was also a bit more picky in this chapter, as I mentioned in my notes. Many of these points were aesthetic rather than outright grammatical mistakes.

Your plotlines are starting to come together, I think. You still have a lot of explanations ahead, but it should be entertaining to see how everything is woven together. The book is a nice device, and I hope to see it examined more in the future. The possibility of Matchi's wrongful actions were a nice twist as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what you decide to do with your next chapter. Maybe it'll reveal something, or maybe it'll further the suspense. You have to decide that. Anyway, I'll see you when that chapter is out! Until then!