Yu-Gi-Oh: Sister of Anansi

[mr_pikachu]

To take TML's thoughts a step further, I'd like to quote a section from this last chapter:


"I have found the owner of Slifer," sighed Twilight softly.

The bird paused and landed besides her. Slifer has been found? Who owns it?

Twilight explained her visions, and Sibylla was as stunned as a bird could look.

If...what you say is true, Miremei, then this entire area is in danger! Slifer is one of the more terrifying of beasts. Just as Obelisk contained my fury, so too did Slifer contain my fire. We must confiscate it.

"I cannot risk stealing it from him before the duel, or else I will lose my job," whispered Twilight.

Maybe it's just me, but I thought the fact that the visions with Slifer were connected with the upcoming duel kind of gave it away. But perhaps others saw it differently. I dunno. *shrugs*

[Shuppet Master]

Mr. Pikachu,you're right,Machus has Slifer. I was hoping that new readers would enjoy the next chapter a little more - but I guess I made the hints TOO obvious. I'd better fix that when I rewrite the story.

[opaltiger]

That's probably a good idea, 'cause I thought it was obvious way back when you mentioned it was used by Yugi. But that's just me. =P

[Dark Sage]

Very good.

I had a feeling Aitos would play a roll in defeating Slifer. And you made a point - not just anybody can use an Eqyptian God Card. It takes someone with a will of iron and the right spirit.

Diane has truly done a great act - only Yugi Sr. himself has ever been able to defeat Slifer without a God Card of his own.

But shouldn't Diane have cleared his Graveyard before she summoned Aitos?

I'm sorry we won't be seeing new chapters for awhile, but I'd much rather see the revisions first. A well-done fanfic is much better than a hastily-made fanfic.

- Venusaur

[Shuppet Master]

That's odd. I SWORE I had Diane use Soul Release and Serial Spell to clear Machus' graveyard of non-monster cards. Meh,I'll have to look it over again.

[opaltiger]

Mr. Saro. Pisaro. 'Nuff said.

Also, am I the only one to have noticed the similarities between Magus/Machus? Or is that coincidence?

[Shuppet Master]

Yes,you have a point. That'll change once I get the revised chapters up. You see,I was first planning on having a clone of Alister from the animé,and the name came from Chrono Trigger,that sorcerer guy. I'll change the name when that chapter gets revised.

[mr_pikachu]

Whoa! So the battle is done, and the Orichalcos has claimed its victim. But what now? Pisaro will certainly try to enslave his "pawn", but how does he plan on accomplishing that? And what's Circe doing with Clive's girlfriend? Don't tell me that's the connection to the current stage of Venusaur's fic! If that's what's going on... *shivers*

Nice job with the tension. It was a very fast-paced duel, but you did a good job with the description. Nice work with the duelists struggling to continue and the mighty Slifer dominating for most of the duel. Your comment that Slifer "shrunk to the size of a building" gave some nice insight into its size at the peak of its power. Good tactics overall, as well. I couldn't keep track of the cards in Machus' hand, either, mostly because I wasn't sure at one point whether he was playing cards and immediately activating them or simply activating face-down cards. I thought it was interesting how Diane lost almost 7000 LP right off the bat, as well. Interesting tactics all around. Nice job.

Some of the dialogue seemed a little contrived, though. One line particularly got to me, and I think it serves as a good example of what I mean. Here it is:


"He lost by forfeit," said Arnold. "Serves him right, jerk. I can't believe he was all nicey-nicey in the beginning and then became an evil jerk in the end!"

Pardon me for saying this, but that seemed way, way out of character. Arnold is an adult, and it seems like he's been super-serious all the way through. It doesn't feel natural for him to use childish words like "nicey-nicey" and even "jerk". I noticed several occasions where the dialogue felt very wrong, so you may want to look out for that in the future as well as during your revisions.


However, this was a great chapter overall. The hypothesizing on deck strategies before the duel was good, as was the description throughout. I really enjoyed this semi-climactic chapter. Very well done. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter, when we find out about the aftershock of the tournament conclusion...


P.S. Slifer has been absorbed, as has Obelisk... hmm... there's one left...

[Shuppet Master]

It'll be a while - I'm working on revising all the chapters I've done so far. Once I have converted the HTML files to forum files,I'll start a new thread with the revised chapters. I've got three so far and plan on putting up those three as the first "trinity" of chapters for each part. Once I get the revised chapters up to the current chapter, I'll start writing new chapters again. I'll work fast,I promise.