Seven Deadly Sims (Mikachu's August Writing Contest Entry)

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Seven Deadly Sims

It should have been a joyful day for our young hero. Ete had just got extra 50 € from his father for achieving 10 out of 10 in Philosophy test. So he walked to the nearby videogame store to buy a game to play with his computer. As for yet, he hadn't decided which game to go for, so he just browsed a shelf when it stroke him. A game named 'Seven Deadly Sims'! He had never read or heard of it, but it was so intriguing that it almost called for him. So he took it and paid for it, and run home to play it.

Ete opened the package and found out there were seven CDs in this game. Each of the CDs only had its respective number, nothing else written on them. He inserted the first CD and installed the game.

The first task in the game seemed to be to create a character. Ete found it fun, and made a character that looked like his grandfather. Then there were the characteristics. Each characteristc was represented by a column, but what puzzled Ete was that there wasn't English written below them, just some signs that weren't any human alphabet. So Ete just improvised and advanced to the next task.

It appeared to be building a house. Ete decided to build a high tower. After Ete had finished the tower, he noticed that his grandfather was standing at the top. ”Thanks, my son, for building this structure that none other in this town can match” the character said to Ete, but on that moment, the poor game figure was struck by a lightning and fell all the way to ground.

A text appeared on the screen: SUPERBIA. Insert CD 2.

Ete was perplexed, but something inside him was still insisting him to insert the next CD, so he did that. This time, there already was a character that looked peculiarly like Ete's little brother. Ete had never liked his brother, and he quickly forgot what had happened with the previous disc. Again, he adjusted the characteritcs as if he was blind, and then the brother appeared inside the house Ete had built. ”Can I borrow your bicycle, brother? ” the figure asked, all of a sudden. Ete remembered that his brother had a habit to always break his stuff, so he refused. Ete's little brother started crying.

A text appeared on the screen: AVARITIA. Insert CD 3.

Ete was curious to find out what would happen next, so he quickly changed the disc. He saw a character that looked like his father, and was frightened. He tried to close the program, but the game seemed to be stuck. The charcteristc columns appeared again, and soon there was a scene with Ete's father dressed as a clown, trying to stop his son from crying. ”You always hated your brother, didn't you?” Ete's father asked.

A text appeared on the screen: IRA. Insert CD 4.

Ete tried to turn off the computer, but he couldn't control his hands. He inserted the fourth CD and saw a beautiful girl in the screen. Indeed, it was the girl from his neigbour, as pretty as ever. Ete had always loved this girl. In no time the girl was thrown in front of the house, and Ete couldn't help staring at her. ”Would you like me more like this?” the girl asked and was about to take off the rest of her already scantily clothing, but then the screen went white.

A text appeared on the screen: LUXURIA. Insert CD 5.

Eager to find out what happens next, Ete put in the fifth disc. Ete saw a character of his own mother. It was creepy, but Ete kept on playing because he wanted to see the girl again. The old woman appeared inside the house built in disc 1. ”That girl in our neighbour, she never eats real food.” she said. Ete didn't take that as a compliment. Her mother was overweight, everyone knew that. Ete shout her ”Shut up!”.

A text appeared on the screen: GULA. Insert CD 6.

The sixth disc started off with a figure of Gula's best friend. The characteristics were chosen, but after that, Ete saw nothing but the house he built in disc 1, no sign of any of the people previously thrown there. Ete was interested in the girl only, and he had seen her in front of the house last time, so he ignored this.

A text appeared on the screen: ACEDIA. Insert CD 7.

The final disc threw Ete himself inside the game house. He heard voices from his room, and opened the door, only to see his best friend having fun with the girl he loved so much. A text was written all over the walls of the room: INVIDIA. Ete realized everything in the game had become real. He looked out of the window and saw his dead grandfather lying on the backyard. His little brother cried louder and louder, his father was laughing like a maniac, and when Ete run into kitchen, he saw his mother choking off on too much food.

Frightened, Ete was now looking for help. He spotted his test paper on the floor, and found a small grammatical error his teacher had overlooked. He took a red pen and corrected it himself, little knowing that this would bring a happy ending to this story. Suddenly, Ete was surrounded by his family, all of them happy, alive and well again. Only his friend looked a little worried, saying: ”This girl likes you more than me. You have just become a better person by not only facing your faults but learning from them.” and pointed out Ete's loved one, who run to our hero, hugging him with joy in her eyes.

[Gavin Luper]

Hahahaha - I just noticed the title! I initially scanned it and thought it said "sins". Hilarious!

[mr_pikachu]

Review of “Seven Deadly Sims”

Plot (14/20 points): It was an interesting plot, although it didn’t exactly twist and turn. The only real question was whether Ete would escape the fate into which he actively dove. There was some entertainment value, but it ultimately felt a bit like we were collecting scenarios (akin to, for example, collecting “star chips” in Yu-Gi-Oh! in order to get to the “real” plot) for the majority of the piece. While it was somewhat entertaining, I found myself waiting for the big payoff at the end rather than enjoying the ride, which would have been preferable for a “collecting” sort of story. I also wasn’t completely clear on how the sin of sloth came into play, nor was envy clear from the virtual scene itself – it only became obvious from the friend’s words once the world was restored to normal. The restoration was also rather odd. It was never clear why correcting a typo fixed the world. Maybe there was some sort of metaphor about restoring order to the chaos, but since no connection had previously been drawn between the test and the wacky game world, that part didn’t make a lot of sense.

Plot Originality (9/10 points): This was pretty unique, actually. I haven’t seen anything quite like this. Many of the components are familiar – anthropomorphizing the seven deadly sins, throwing a character into a virtual world, and so forth – but the way in which they were combined here was at least fairly original, as far as I’m aware.

Writing Style (11/20 points): This was one of the weaker elements. Each of the scenes was covered so rapidly that there wasn’t any build-up as the video game world and Ete’s control simultaneously fell apart. We needed more time for each scene to develop so that we could really feel what was happening, feel how Ete himself felt. As it was, everything was done in a flash. This also detracted from the believability – Ete must have been changing the CDs every ten seconds or so. (That CD-ROM got a real workout!)

It ultimately became difficult to keep track of everything that was happening all at once, including figuring out which character corresponded to which sin. At times it was also unclear whether the other characters were the sins or whether they were simply bringing out the sinfulness in Ete (or both). For instance, I wasn’t immediately sure if Ete’s brother was greedy, or if Ete himself was for not loaning him the bike. The same goes for lust and envy. It was also odd to see wrath in a clown suit for no apparent reason, and I wasn’t sure why the manifestation of pride immediately killed – that may have been a reference to “pride goeth before the fall,” but even knowing that saying I can’t really pick up that detail in the piece itself.

Spelling and Grammar (4/10 points): This was the other main weak area. There were a lot of spelling and grammar errors throughout the manuscript, including simple typos like “charcteristc” that even a piece of software like Microsoft Word would have caught. In a short story like this, it’s especially important that the spelling and grammar is pristine, as every word counts. Any small error is magnified in this situation. Had this sort of error frequency occurred in a longer story, the score may have been higher, but in such a short piece there’s less of an excuse for overlooking mistakes, as it’s more reasonable to review the entire document several times before submitting it.

Characters (10/15 points): The characters were there, but since we didn’t see any of them besides Ete for more than a paragraph or so, it was difficult to connect with them. Ete himself felt a little one-dimensional – he liked his game (especially the lasciviously dressed girl) until he realized that it was bad, and then he magically fixed his problems by correcting a typo instead of paying attention to the madness around him. Perhaps there’s a deep metaphor behind all of that, but it was difficult to see an actual person going through many of those acts. It should also be noted that, aside from Ete, we really didn’t see any of them in their “real” forms before viewing their distorted versions in the game. Had we been amply introduced to each character, as they were supposed to be, then we may have felt just how stunned Ete himself was upon seeing these familiar figures so deeply twisted.

Settings (13/15 points): Not much was said in this regard. There was enough for the reader to at least superimpose his or her own video game-playing experiences and settings onto Ete’s scene, so there was probably enough substance here given the space constraints. The game world was described better than the real world, which was a good thing since all of the focus (including Ete’s own attention) was rightfully directed at the game instead of the outside world. It wasn’t rich, but it was adequate.

Overall Appreciation (8/10 points): There’s a lot in this piece, and it was a unique idea. I enjoyed watching its development. With that said, you probably tried to cram too much into one story, which made everything very fast. I appreciate the goal of this story, but there were still too many elements missing from the total package to make it as profound as what I’m sure you hoped to attain.

Final Result: 69/100 = 69%

Closing Comments: I’d actually love to see this rewritten in a longer form, as I think you have a really nice idea here. Perhaps the mistake was trying to cram too much plot into too few words. With such a short story as what this content demanded, there wasn’t time to take us through a long series of turns while actually building tension. When you’re under a word limit constraint, the more plot twists you have, the fewer time you have to build up to them. Think about riding a roller coaster – the most shocking turns and drops are the ones that come after a decently-long straightaway. In other words, if you’re constantly twisting and turning (like a spiral), then a later part of that turn is indistinguishable from a later part, and the twist becomes the norm. It helps to let your readers grow accustomed to some kind of standard reality so that when you break from it, the move really throws them for a loop. Take the time to set up the world, and help us get to know the characters, then rip away that familiar, comfortable environment and let the reader live through Ete’s horror.

[Gavin Luper]

Review of “Seven Deadly Sims”

Plot (12/20 points): Well, first of all I have to say I loved the title, because it made me do a double-take and then laugh. Now, the plot itself was not really a laughing matter. We follow our protagonist, Ete, as he innocently follows each task in this mysterious video game that requires seven CDs to be inserted. As each task is completed, each of the seven deadly sins is manifested in the virtual characters of Ete’s own life: his family and friends. The plot was certainly interesting because it wasn’t clear where it was leading, and it did seem to be building to some kind of ominous, threatening point – which, of course, it eventually did. After that point – and it was achieved quite suddenly, with a real element of horror – everything in the story tidied up within just a couple of paragraphs. So while the plot itself wasn’t bad, it was summarised so quickly (I know we had a word limit, too) that it felt a bit too easy at the end. But overall it did keep me engaged right through to the end – it’s just that end that was perhaps a bit too perfect and a bit too quickly-arranged that didn’t fully satisfy me as a reader.

Plot Originality (8/10 points): I have to say, I haven’t read anything like this before. I remember reading a book called Ultimate Game back when I was in high school, and this reminded me vaguely of elements of that story, but the incorporation of the seven deadly sins – and this kind of robotic escalation of the tension as each CD is inserted – I hadn’t seen that before. So, well done on an original concept.

Writing Style (12/20 points): I have to admit that the piece felt very rushed, but of course part of this problem stems from the word limit: if we had given you 2000 words to work with it would have given you the opportunity to flesh it all out more. Nonetheless, having seven separate segments squashed into a thousand words creates a challenge for a writer and the economy of words put a real strain on your writing style here. This translated to a rushed reading experience and didn’t give the reader enough time to fully imagine each scene – or feel overly drawn in by it – before the next CD was inserted. Having said that, there were times – like the horrible shift to reality at the end – when the more simplistic, rushed style worked, because the shift happened so suddenly.

Spelling and Grammar (5/10 points): This was a weaker area for the piece, because there were multiple spelling errors and grammatical errors. The main ones I noticed were the misspellings of “characteristic”, “neighbour” and using “run” instead of “ran”. The syntax was a little off in parts, too – things like Ete’s brother having a habit “to always break his stuff”, instead of “of always breaking his stuff”. Overall, the story was functional, but the errors did hold it back.

Characters (9/15 points): It’s hard to assess the character element in a plot-driven story such as this. Ete was fairly unexplored, although I suppose to some extent different elements of his character – his relationship with his brother, and so on – were revealed through what happened as each CD was inserted. To be honest, an exploration of his character that went too much deeper would’ve actually hampered the whole point of the story, which was to allow the seven deadly sims to manifest. So I think the one-dimensional aspect of Ete’s character works within the story’s constraints, but if you were to expand this into a longer piece, then definitely more character building would be warranted, lest Ete would become uninteresting to the reader.

Settings (9/15 points): I think the same principle applies to the settings here. It would have been inappropriate and taken away from the story if you went into lavish descriptions of Ete’s real-life surroundings, or even the virtual ones. You made the right choice in keeping this to the bare minimum and restricting any construction of setting to the reader’s imagination.

Overall Appreciation (7/10 points): Overall, the story is a quick piece of flash fiction, steady in its tension-building and with a terrifying climax, although the denoument is far too simplistic to be appetizing for a reader. Nonetheless, as a piece designed to explore the seven deadly sins in a quirky and unique way, it achieves what it has set out to do.

Final Result: 62/100 = 62%

Closing Comments: This story largely achieved what it set out to do, so it does work on that level, but some structural problems – namely the spelling and grammar, and the difficulty of trying to fit so much into a very small piece – held it back considerably. However, it still works as a piece and it did achieve its goals. I tend to be a fairly harsh marker so I’d consider this a great result, and I think if you considered re-writing the piece as a longer story, and took some time with the writing style and worked on the climax and denouement, and did a quick spell check, this would be an even stronger story and wouldn’t feel as rushed. But, on the whole, it was an enjoyable read and I liked the twisted, quirky journey you took Ete (and the reader) on. Well done!