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Thread: Poetry Corner

  1. #161

    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    I'm not one for poetry, but I wrote this for my Creative Writing class I'm taking, and felt I might as well share it. Any comments, critique, etc. is greatly appreciated.

    R.E.M. | G.A.T.E.

    When the day flashes lapis-gossamer
    in the star-blown sky,
    I lie awake and wonder things
    while the silent cat-clock tail thrashes in reply,
    counting missing moments
    that have unknowingly ticked by.

    My eyes waver, and they close
    I see light breaking through the hallowed clouds
    of darkness mixed with rainbow Catherine wheels.
    Disfigured colors, where black is white:
    a picture of Picasso artistry-
    Ah! Such a marvelous sight!

    Then I see starlight, vague images of fleeting shadows,
    Where houses have no name,
    It's a quiet town with thin-waxed candles
    with a single, unmarked grave, grazed by winter's chill.
    They wait for the spring that is to come
    with its immortal daffodils.

    I wonder, then, if my hand should hold a sword,
    or perhaps a bow or scythe,
    as I come upon an ancient castle,
    where magic must reside.
    Within, I'll fight the fierce chimeras
    and ride the pegasi.

    But it is then,
    I suddenly realize,
    That I really should be building
    my castle in the sky
    where dreams are made of dreams
    and never do they die.

    But I'm walking on grass now,
    (and the sky seems so far away)
    My thoughts seem forever trivial,
    as light as a cool spring day
    Everything is nothing now,
    like a child’s honest play.

    The scenery is now familiar
    I think that I am home, perhaps this time to stay,
    Laughing children, familiar faces,
    mouths open as if to say,
    to come and walk with them once more,
    just like yesterday.

    Then, that light appears again,
    with it's stunning Catherine wheels
    and hypnotizing rainbows.
    I fight, but lose the battle against the pulling shine--
    I jerk and thrash and throw my head upright
    into the territory that is mine.

    There's no more grass, no more sky
    and no more thin-waxed candles,
    just a quiet, monochrome world,
    where everything is as it seems
    It is then, and only then, that I wonder
    if perhaps this is a dream.
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 8th May 2007 at 10:01 PM.


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  2. #162
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Beware the blasphemy. Mm... yeah I hope no one will be offended. It's all in the name of art.

    Brimstone Diamonds

    Warmth licking, stroking, embracing,
    searing a tattoo across the skin
    like a whisper. Savour the intimacy
    stolen from the chilled skies.
    Light flickering, crackling, illuminating
    the depths of sin, reflecting, diffracting
    casting overlapping shadows –
    Shades of grey in a world of
    vermillion and crimson
    flaming roses.
    Succumb to the devil’s beauty.

    In hell our voices are as one
    shrieking in praise, not for escape
    no eternal yearning for something beyond.
    Forever is this instant of ravishing pain
    as we burst into a lacrymosa
    each phrase counterpoint to the symphonic
    freedom. In hell
    We use the Almighty’s name in vain.

    Injustice has no place in hell
    The killer and the thief share a bonfire
    hunger extinguished by the flames
    disease overcome by our darkness.
    No inhibitions
    as we sway, fearless feet on glowing coals.
    No thoughtcrime no blasphemy no original sin
    for the Lord’s judgment has forsaken us.
    No harsh cry of the last trumpet heard.

    We revel in immortality
    cast aflame, never to perish.
    Hell sees our souls recast by death
    purified from molten flesh.
    We are brimstone diamonds
    The magnificence of the inferno
    a backdrop for our shameless acts
    shedding light on evil truth
    its luminescence clinging like a
    halo.


    So... an artist's impression of hell, of sorts. Anyway, time for my usual author's blabbering. This one came about because I was thinking about how the Catholic Church abolished limbo. The original ideas might go in another poem someday, but anyway thinking about that led on to hell, and how some qualities of it might even be attractive to those in a living hell on earth... which is what is here in great exaggeration. Just a random note, I don't believe everything I write (not in creative writing anyway). this is the favourite of my poems so far, although I think it's quite self-indulgent and in parts it sounds like I copied words out of a thesaurus. I was trying to capture such a magnificent thing, and yet I had to be so vague because, well, obviously I don't know the specifics of hell, and I also tried to make it resonate with what most people would think hell is like (physically; spiritually it's all subverted, of course.) Inspirations: Plantae's short story 'An end to reason' (I was going to make this a trilogy of heaven, limbo and hell, but you've pretty much said everything I want to say about heaven), Mozart's Requiem (Lacrymosa) (or rather, Evanescence's usage of it), Faure's Requiem.
    mistysakura
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  3. #163
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    This poem is by a good friend of mine named Ryan Riverside:

    Empty



    Sitting here in an empty chair

    Staring at the empty table

    Resting in the empty room

    Not quite in the empty house


    Walking down the empty streets

    Stomping on quite deadened feet

    Looking in through empty windows

    Passing into empty houses


    Waiting in the empty lines

    Hating all the empty rides

    Riding on the empty trains

    Trying to find unempty places


    Passing through the empty towns

    Hearing nothing in empty places

    Drowning in the empty lakes

    Knowing that’s empty living there


    Passing by the empty people

    Hearing all their empty thoughts

    Crashing through their empty lives

    Ignoring all their empty cries

    --

    he has a lot more, but I thought I'd just post this one for now
    "What pisses me off is that I can't even tell the regular insanity from the special delivery."

    -Dave Jones, CRFH.


    Your last statement qualifies you as a winner of a nonsense contest and a looser everywhere else.

    - Roger Pepitone, CRFH

  4. #164
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    I should start posting my poems here! ^_^ Here is my faaaaavorite!!

    -----

    That is then
    This was now
    break the dam
    and drowned the town

    Past was dark
    future dim
    hold your breath
    if you can't swim

    ---
    YAY! ^_^
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  5. #165
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Another one by Ryan Riverside, this one is my favorite out of them all:

    --
    Reading Can Be Dangerous

    She opened the book and compellingly began reading

    Her whole heart and mind into what she sees

    With the characters her heart is bleeding

    And she trembles at her knees


    As she gets more involved in the story she can feel their pain more

    She becomes entwined with the book

    And the book begins to explain blood and gore

    But she just can’t break her look


    Her character’s hurt, and her character’s crying

    And she’s on the floor

    Now the character’s dying

    But she keeps on reading for more


    The character gets stabbed in the back

    And she winces with the hurt

    On the wood-plank floor there’s a dusty crack

    And a blade sticking up out of the dirt


    With her dying breath she reads her last

    And with the character

    Dies with a gasp

    The book falling next to her


    When she was found and pulled away

    Her mother found the book right where it was left

    She shrugged and looked to see what it was named

    And started reading what was left


    Another character, and a later time

    Her eyes widened with delight

    This reading was sublime

    She stayed up late into the night


    Her character was a detective

    Investigating the previous murder

    The mother was quite perceptive

    And kept reading further


    She immersed herself in the book as well,

    Reading as she walked from room to room

    Until the detective for some reason fell

    And she went to the floor with a terrific boom


    The murderer was upon the detective

    And the mother felt that someone was on her as well

    She was quite perceptive

    Even though she fell.


    The detective was beaten by the murderer

    Beaten bloody and left for dead

    Even bloody the mother read on a little further

    Wiping the blood from her head


    The detective recovered in five pages

    As did the mother

    Exhausted, she fell asleep after fifteen more pages

    As the detective was put in a coma by some other


    The brother came by and saw the mother with the book

    He went in the room and snatched it up

    Just so that he could have a look

    He read so long he missed his sup


    His character was a bit more involved

    He was given lots of clues

    Lots of things to be solved

    They stumped him until the character knew what to do


    When the murderer went after this character

    He knew how to fight

    He karated his way against the murderer

    It was drawn out long into the night


    The brother read slower than the other two

    So he grew tired partway through the fight

    But he did not bid the book adieu

    Even after it was again light


    At the end of the fight the character caught fire

    The brother ran outside, fighting invisible flames

    In the book the flames grew even higher

    And the murderer took all the blames


    With his hands he fought the flame that couldn’t really be there

    But yet it crisped his clothes

    And it singed his hair

    It came and came in murderous droves


    In the book the character was doused with water

    And so the brother fell to the ground

    Relieved to not be charcoal fodder

    He read on, ready for another round


    The water roused the brother

    And he was no longer exhausted

    He no longer thought of his mother

    Or of how the ground was frosted


    He read as his character was kidnapped by the evil one

    And taken out into the middle of nowhere land

    And thrown near who-knows-what

    The snow on the ground chilling the character’s hand


    The character had nowhere he could go

    He did not know where he was

    He was lost in the snow

    Just as the brother was


    As the character died of exposure

    Because he was a slow reader

    The brother died as just as sure

    Content with the avid reader


    And along came the father

    Who thought the son was sleeping

    And thought ‘oh what the bother’

    And began reading


    The newest character was the villain

    Who was hunted by all in their own ways

    But he was content in his own killin’

    And all against him had to count their days


    And as the father immersed himself in this sorry character

    He truly felt

    That the villain’s character

    Was girded around his own mental belt


    And as the villain prowled around looking for the plotters

    So did the man

    Sneaking around the plant potters

    Reading man to man


    The neighbor’s dog chased the reader

    Just as a junkyard dog chased the villain

    And both dogs bit a bleeder

    And both the men went to their killin’


    And as the dog just began to choke

    The police were finally called

    To come after this joke

    And other dogs came and mauled


    The father ran away from the neighborhood dogs

    Ran into the woods

    To hear all the frogs

    And the villain ran into the ‘hood


    They lay where they were

    To recuperate from the blood loss they had

    The man reading the words

    Their blood loss was bad


    As the man lay there dying

    Just as the villain did

    He could hear a little boy crying

    And found where the boy hid


    In order to comfort the boy

    Who had snapped him from his reading trance

    Since he had no toy

    He gave him the giant book for a glance
    "What pisses me off is that I can't even tell the regular insanity from the special delivery."

    -Dave Jones, CRFH.


    Your last statement qualifies you as a winner of a nonsense contest and a looser everywhere else.

    - Roger Pepitone, CRFH

  6. #166
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Hey guys. I'm no poet or anything, and most good poetry just goes over my head, but we had to write a sonnet for my creative writing class, so I thought I'd post it up here. It's probably not very good, but I dunno, I kind of like it.

    -------------------------------------

    Woman of the Earth

    Is there a deed more terrible than this?
    The potterís hands bear down on you like clay
    Resilient beauty trampled by my wish
    A Vulcan rivulet from pewter grey
    The first of many glaring needles will
    Put you to death: Destroy the precious few
    Distinctions from your parallels and hills
    Immerse you in a stream of grey and blue
    Your hardened face deceived a poor manís hope
    For you were stagnant with no need to stay
    You gave the overlord untrammelled scope
    Beneath his flooding you were wiped away.

    I smile: your wounds heal up after the rain
    Your reformed, rugged beauty breathes again.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

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  7. #167
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    Default Daimler

    I don't know if this is a poem or a song or just questions. Whichever way, this was very cathartic for me to write.

    Daimler

    How can you stand to see yourself like this?
    How can you stand to do what you don't want to?
    How do you cope when you're your own antithesis?
    How can you win when you can't get out of bed?

    How does spinelessness overcome your resistance?
    How does dependency make you a stronger man?
    How can you equate alcoholism with breathing?
    How can you say suicidal is being yourself?

    How do you kill yourself without anyone knowing?
    How do your hands pull your own trigger?
    How long can spiders plough you into nonexistence?
    How long do you think you can keep your silence?

    How can I exchange recklessness for temperance?
    How can I bury my trespasses?
    How can I prevent the death of forgiveness?
    How can I even begin?
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  8. #168
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    Default Re: Just Words

    Thanks for replying, everyone. I really appreciate it.


    Ada: Well, I was talking about the sheer length, to be honest. A 300+ line poem just seemed a little long for the Poetry Corner. But nonetheless, I see what you mean.

    It's odd... this was both really hard and really easy to write. I mean, once I started, the words just flowed. I barely even had to think about them. But it was still hard because... well... it hurt. Every word was a reminder of the reality.

    At any rate, thanks for your concern. I appreciate you recognizing the fragility of it. Or maybe it's the fragility of me. Either way, thanks. *hugs*


    Gavin: Thanks, man. You know, I honestly didn't think it would be so obvious that this was real. But thank you for noticing the vulnerability of it, real or fictional.


    Weasel: I was in tears when I was writing it, too.

    I'm glad the whole stream-of-consciousness thing was effective. It's not one of my usual techniques, but I may try it again in the future.

    I guess writing this was cathartic, in a way. It's something that I've had bottled up for far too long. *hugs*


    Martin: Thanks for the compliment. I didn't expect that this was such an easy piece with which to empathize; it was more just for the whole emotion of it. Maybe I should use topics like that more often.

    As for the well wishes... thanks. I may or may not need them.


    CEB: Thanks, man. As I told Martin, I'm a little surprised at the ease with which people can relate to this, especially considering the specificity of certain aspect. And as for the falling to pieces aspect... I guess you caught a sense of what I've been feeling.


    Again, thanks for your replies.
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  9. #169
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Time to comment...

    Zcade0/ Ryan Riverside, I guess: Reading can be Dangerous was an entertaining read. The repetition of the same scenari played out on differnet people reinforced the spookiness, although it did get a bit long. It was especially haunting how different members of the family were pursuer and pursued, villain and innocent. The structure was nice and simple which suited the narrative style; the rhyming seemed forced at times though, especially when resorting to using contractions like "killin'" to rhyme with "villain". Used well, rhyming doesn't stick out, but improves the flow and sound of the poem.

    Gavin: I never thought I'd see you in here. Hehe I hope you're slowly being converted.

    Woman of the Earth: mm, this is what I was talking about earlier. I love the sonnet rhyming scheme, and the way you've used it here really makes the poem flow and stick together. It's a great form for describing natural beauty (or I guess lack thereof). I didn't get what the poem was about at first; got to the middle, started rereading, and began to understand. Anyway, the poem has some good dramatic word choices and conveys a great respect for the earth (referring to it as 'you' was a good choice). I also liked how the rain was portrayed as the enemy, the destroyer, and yet it was hoped for (the narrator's wish, if I interpret it correctly?) The last two lines made a strong conclusion (once again, the couplet did help), a different perspective. The first line seemed a bit out of place though; I don't know, like it was there because you had written thirteen lines and needed another to make it fit the form. I was also confused with line 10, but then again understanding every word of a work has never been my forte; I usually just understand what I can and guess the rest.

    Daimler: Well, I understand this poem, I guess, to the extent that you want me to understand it. The sentences are simple enough, but I get the feeling that as with all personal poems, after reading it I'm still missing something. Because real/ semi-fictional people can't be wrapped up nicely in sixteen lines. And you're not writing it for an audience but for yourself, so you want to write about what's important, not spend time explaining it to an audience. (I know I'm assuming a lot here, but hey you said it was cathartic, so I guess it's based on something in real life.) So that's my excuse for being confused (what/who is (a) Daimler?). Anyway, once again very striking word choices, making the poem a strong statement (despite there being no answers. I guess sometimes it's asking the right questions that requires strength.) I especially like lines 6-7 and 12-14. In terms of the sound of the poem, the rhythm sounds perfectly like prose, and when I try to read it aloud I get stuck on words. Meh. Doesn't mean it's not good in its own right. There's this change in attitude in stanza 4, and I didn't even notice this until the third reading or so, but changing from 'you' to 'I' in that stanza was well done to highlight that change. Meaning-wise, of course, I don't understand. I particularly liked the last line because although it was the end of the poem it was about a new beginning, which provided some hope in an otherwise downward-spiralling situation.

    ... that took a ridiculously long time.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  10. #170
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    I'd normally edit this in, but since the above post was comments on other fics and this is my own... feel free to argue with me.

    The Artist

    You waltzed onto my canvas
    Brightened up my world
    Just for one moment, just one day
    You left me without a trace
    No photograph to prove you were real
    But I can dream

    I'm a painter and my eyes won't let you go, no
    Splashes of colour and you face me again
    A stroke a day brings your portrait to perfection
    But under the layers

    I can't tell if I'm portraying your true likeness
    Are you just another one of my creations?
    Do I feel for one I've brought into existence?
    Am I just a victim of my imagination?

    You leaped onto my empty page
    Told me things I'd never heard
    One conversation, just one day
    You left me only with words
    Not written down, they echoed in my ears
    They make me dream

    I'm a writer and my words won't let you go, no
    Pages of journals bring you to life again
    Stanzas merge into poetry, anthologies
    But in between the lines

    Have I changed your essence beyond recognition?
    Are you real, or just another work of fiction?
    Am I fooled by one I've lied into existence?
    Am I just a victim of my imagination?

    I can't hide in a fairytale forever
    I jsut want an escape from this confusion
    Though it hurts, I need your truth to set me free
    I wish not for your love, but your return
    To burn down my creations, expose my illusions
    My true feelings for an unreal you

    Let me shed my tears for loving an imitation
    Stand reality against my work of fiction
    I twisted you into a false existence
    I'm a victim, a fool for my imagination

    May I paint myself with feet firmly planted on the ground
    Someday I'd like to know the real you.

    Disclaimer: eh, if I said this was 100% fiction I'd be lying. But most if it isn't personal experience. 'You' isn't any particular person either, but an amalgamation of a whole lot of experiences.

    I forgot to say that this is a song. It's by far the most 'normal', down-to-earth, unpretentious, and yet somewhat girly and stupid thing I've written. But I like it for some reason. It was fun to write. Except the bridge (? the thing with six lines, anyway) is weak (I've rewritten it about seven times already... argh) and so are a couple of lines. The idea came to me just as I was getting to bed, and I just had to stay up and finish it. This will be arranged and recorded with my trusty mp3 player some time as well; I imagine it with acoustic guitar but I don't have one and can't play one, so... oh yeah, Rain Eternal's arrangement is done, I just need to practise and record it.

    Influences: A lot of Missy Higgins, quite a bit of (gasp) Avril Lavigne(thank goodness not lyric-wise), a tiny bit of Delta Goodrem and Killing Heidi. Also Just Words and Daimler.
    Last edited by mistysakura; 30th June 2007 at 04:46 AM.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  11. #171
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Ada: Well, I had to comment back. I didn't feel like explaining the poems at the time, but I'm more in the mindset to do that now.

    Woman of the Earth - You pretty much got the idea of this one. That's the first sonnet I've done and it was a challenge, so I'm glad it mostly worked out okay. It was, as you said, about natural beauty: I was comparing the beauty of nature and the beauty of females, both of which I find fascinating (without sounding like a loser!). The poem's about how you have something beautiful, but you think, 'you know what, this could be better if it was changed like this' ... and the next thing you know, you get your wish and you go, 'shit - what have I done?' There's a bit more to it, I suppose, but that's the idea at the core of the whole thing.

    Daimler - I still don't feel like talking much about this one. It really was (or is) intensely personal and also very black. That seems the best way to describe it. But thanks for letting me know your thoughts on it, because that helped me. As for your question: consider Daimler to be either a place or a process, I don't know which. It's a bit abstract but it makes sense to me.

    (Mate - I sound like a sap. Who'd have thought I'd be writing poetry or lyrics or thoughts like that voluntarily?)

    Now, to The Artist - I really liked this. It definitely isn't as dark and pensive as some of your other poems, but it still sounds like it suits you, and evokes a realistic mood of introspection. It really did feel like it was a song, too, and not just a poem. I really loved the idea of painting something and realising that your own imagination had kind of tainted that image, rearranged the reality of what had actually happened.

    I also thought I felt the Missy Higgins vibe - weirdly, the "You leaped onto my empty page" reminded me of "You breathed infinity into my world", from Higgins' "They Weren't There". Also, the same line reminded me of "Miss You" by Killing Heidi, so the girly influences seemed present for me, even if these songs didn't have anything to do with the actual creation of your poem.

    And I also have to express my undying love for you, seeing as you referenced both Daimler AND Killing Heidi as influences! Haha. Could I be so rude as to ask which song/s in particular influenced "The Artist"? ^^ Yeah, I'm a bit too much of a fan, but oh well.

    Cheers!
    Last edited by Gavin Luper; 2nd July 2007 at 10:12 AM.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

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    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  12. #172
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Hehe, you sap. Welcome to the world of poetry. Nah, really, I reckon there's something about poetry that makes people talk about things in ways they wouldn't normally, dig into their emotions in ways they wouldn't normally. Which makes them sound like melodramatic emos a lot of the time. It magnifies the emotional side of people even if it doesn't usually show. Unless they're a psychopath or something. Although apparently Mao was a decent poet in his early years. Now I'm going totally off-topic.

    The Killing Heidi songs that influenced me? You know what, I can't name them either. With them it wasn't so much direct influence, but when I was writing I could hear the music playing in my head and bits of it were very much in the Killing Heidi style. No, actually, I do remember one song sticking out lyrically: Summer Long. But I can tell you that the Missy Higgins songs were 100 Round the Bends and Scar (both so influential that when I actually do the melody properly I'll have to dig myself out of a plagiarism hole), and for Avril Lavigne it was Things I'll Never Say and My Happy Ending.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  13. #173
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Here's something I had to write for a Creative Writing course last semester. It was an ode, and we could write about anything. I wrote about my Gameboy Color.

    Ode to Atomic Purple

    Under my bed I find you
    with apologies I dust you off
    How long has it been, old friend?
    Years ago I would've been ashamed
    to leave you carelessly on my dirty bedroom floor.
    I remember those days fondly
    My childhood now locked inside your translucent casing
    whiling away hours and batteries
    my eyes fixed on your fantastic 8-bit screen
    The tapping of the A button keeps
    a prevalent tempo which echos through my home
    Nothing else is of consequence
    Just one more level
    just one more level
    Child, come eat your dinner
    Hold on, just let me save--the siren call of my youth
    Oh Atomic Purple
    You are a window into the wonders of technology
    chips and wires abound below your invincible surface
    tempting me to defile you with a screwdriver
    But I have too much respect and I'm busy right now
    Just one more level
    Last edited by Gousuto-chan; 9th July 2007 at 11:40 PM. Reason: correcting typos

  14. #174
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Ada: Yeah, this poetry thing is quite odd ... but I'm finding it cathartic. I love Summer Long too, lyrically but also the breezy sound of that song is so lazy.

    Gousuto-chan: I never thought I'd see Game Boys and poetry mix. But there you go. ^^ I thought it worked quite well, too; I really enjoyed the refrain of 'just one more level'. And the need to save before doing chores - man, that rings a bell from way back.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    OK, I wrote this kind of randomly. It was actually just a stream of consciousness thing I wrote to get some things outside of me, but I kind of made it into 'lyrics'. Though this would make a very disorganised song indeed. I would imagine this to be something like a distorted version of "Joining You" by Alanis Morissette (at least in terms of mood), without a chorus. Nothing rhymes or probably even has any rhythm in this, it really was just a free writing kind of thing.

    EDIT: Took out the "and also" ... feels like it flows better, as Ada said.

    Beware Poisons

    You’re like a bigger version of me
    and I can see you anytime I want
    without a mirror and I can make you
    become a better me
    ‘cause that’s what I use you for
    and you’re okay with that or at least you were for a bit,
    but either way it scared me right back
    and now I just hope I keep it to myself
    and I won’t walk into your house and see
    your folks discussing me and how sad it is that I went wrong.

    When I come face to face with you
    and I’m in a mood
    it all just melts away
    and I suspend reality
    as I leave my tongue behind
    with my old school and everything I used to say and still do,
    because it’s too hard to maintain
    and everyone needs to de-stress now and then
    everyone needs to de-stress sometimes
    I just do it in a way that happens to be slowly killing me that’s all.

    Well it’s sickening to watch
    especially for you but sometimes
    I find that sickening is glamorous
    and it helps me get through
    but I know you can’t see inside my head
    so I won’t even try to explain what drove me to this beast in the first place
    and why I still let it consume me
    and suck me dry
    sometimes I wish I were stronger
    sometimes I wish I could get away from myself for a while without involving poisons.
    Last edited by Gavin Luper; 4th October 2007 at 11:00 AM.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

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    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

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    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  15. #175
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Gousuto-chan: Ah, you're tapping into our collective childhood memories... I had a translucent white one, and you could see all the electronics in it, and I was always tempted to take it apart except I was scared I wouldn't be able to put it back together again. I liked the poem because it resonated with me, brought back some good times. I liked the repetition of 'just one more level', and how it applied both to the past you and the present you, rediscovering the games.

    Gavin: I can totally relate to writing random stuff to get it out of my head. Yeah this is a pretty disorganised thing, but it doesn't matter... it starts sorting itself out as it goes, which is nice to see. I like the last line of each stsanza; they're all strong statements, sort of recognising the problem but resigned to it in some way. The last one bothers me a bit though; maybe it's the "and also", but something makes it sound almost like an afterthought. Also, the first stanza confuses me, but that doesn't matter either. With the second stanza, I can relate to the need to stop keeping up appearances, just de-stress and be myself for a change (if I can even find that).

    Me? I just carry everything around with me, which gets tiresome sometimes (see Lose Control, Evanescence) but I prefer it to the alternative.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  16. #176
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    This following poem is basically based on Sabaton's Metal Machine. Notice a pattern here?

    Yup, there's fic titles in here! See if you can find all 38 of them (counting out the one that are repeated more than once; be aware that one line may contain more than one title).

    Wrath of Fire

    Make a move
    It’s the war of the forum
    Kingdom heartless come;
    Scattered light
    An end to reason
    The origin of storm

    Oh, a bloody sword
    And a fast paced fic;
    And now an even bloodier sword
    I’m guilty by design

    It’s the wrath of fire
    To those who still care
    The demon inside
    Moitiť Moi-mÍme;
    It’s the wrath of fire
    Do avoid water
    Sooner or later
    You’ll be warped and broken

    Dear Katie
    The punchy punchy Pokemon said
    “Kachi wo Sagashite”
    I know you’re thinking, “just tell me why!”
    Who will save me?
    I’m lost in the haze
    Alone with the maiden (fish)

    The word Kitt and Katt
    Is tattooed on the silent man
    By chance, is he experiencing metamorphosis
    Or has he gone DP?

    It’s the wrath of fire
    Screams of pains
    From the Pokemon master league
    It’s all part of the divinity;
    It’s the wrath of fire
    We are The I Syndicate
    The knights to remember;
    It’s the wrath of the fire
    The absolution’s reign
    A sanctuary… the symmetry…
    Last edited by darktyranitar; 15th August 2007 at 02:43 AM.
    Please take it easy~

  17. #177
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    Default Meet Vegeta

    Sung to Meet Virginia. You know, that song by Train. ^-^
    -----------------------

    He doesnít own a dress
    Hair is always a mess
    You catch him stealiní and he wonít confess
    Heís beautiful
    Works his packs everyday, wait thatís Goku, but anyway
    He doesnít care about that, hey, he think heís beautiful
    Meet Vegeta
    He never compromises
    Hates babies and surprises
    Wear Leotards when he exercises, ainít it beautiful?
    Meet Vegeta
    When he wants to be the king
    He just goes Super Sayain
    His hair starts glowiní as he screams
    He really wants to be the king
    Dad was a Sayain King, Momís been dead since chapter one
    Brother is a fine hero of planet Earth
    Here he is on the Phone just like you
    Itís the real thing
    He hates to sit at home, unless itís Sunday
    Meet Vegeta
    When he wants to live his life
    He just thinks about his wife
    Hair starts glowing as he screams
    I donít really wanna die
    No die - I donít really wanna die- no die
    He only drinks Millers at midnight
    The moment is not right
    His timing is quiet unusual
    His confidence is tragic
    But karate like magic
    In the shape of a fist
    Painful
    Meet Vegeta
    I donít wanna
    Meet Vegeta (Heeey,hey,heey)
    When he wants to be the King
    He just goes Super Sayain
    When he wants to live his life
    He just thinks about his wife
    Hair starts growing as he screams
    I donít really want him to be a king
    I donít really want him to be a king
    I donít want him to be a king
    I really donít wanna die
    Thank you Saffire Persian. (Complete list coming soon)
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post

    ...while you sleep.
    ".....Congratulations. You're the KROOOOOOOZE of female weeaboos. -w-;;;" -Blademaster about my Dragonball Z summary of what I know.

  18. #178
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    So:

    Make a move, War of the forums, Kingdom heartless, Scattered lights, An end to reason, The origin of storms, Bloody sword, A fast paced fic, Bloodier sword, Guilty by design, To those who still care, Demon inside, Avoid water, Sooner or later, Warped and broken, Dear Katie, The punchy punchy Pokemon, “Kachi wo Sagashite”, Just tell me why, Lost in the haze, The maiden (fish), Kitt and Katt, Tattooed, The silent man, Chance, Metamorphosis, Gone DP, Screams of pain, The Pokemon master league, Divinity, The I Syndicate, Knights to remember, Absolution’s reign, Symmetry = 34 fics I recognise. Not bad. That was a fun read.

    Anyway, a remake of Death Sonnet -- Untitled and Solitude. I tried to expand more on stuff in Solitude this time, because I agree with Brian that last time everything was a bit rushed.

    Tightrope

    Suspended, we tread a precarious path:
    We play at life; death, in ambush, awaits.
    “It must be so,” we whisper, yet the wrath,
    In our delusions, leaves unscathed our fates.

    Behold the crafted marble monolith –
    Stroke the cool white surface ‘neath our skin.
    Bouquets of flowers sweetly blooming, with
    Six feet between them and the corpse within.

    But yet, at times the scythe doth strike a blow,
    The chill so close we shiver in its wake.
    Our tears, etched with mascara, freely flow;
    They sleep alone, their vision turned opaque.

    The tightrope holds; eternities away
    The abyss seems; yet one heartbeat astray…



    Solitude

    Some choices are forever,
    like being alone.

    Wandering
    a metropolis, tracing a path
    unique, unknown to all
    save accidental strangers
    straying into sudden, intimate presence.
    A mumbled ‘Sorry’, as scruffy sneaker tumbles
    over polished leather. Unheard apology
    fading into nothing, leaving once again
    a cloak of safe anonymity.

    A date
    on a table for one,
    savouring silence free from squabbles
    over bill-paying alternatives.
    Dining at one’s leisure, the tongue
    relishing every succulent bite,
    the ears unobstructed by endless chatter.
    Every sense focussing
    the stillness the silence the wafting aroma the heat the juiciness
    salt and pepper are company enough in this meditation.

    Walking home
    alone in darkness,
    rejecting the advances of the night
    its smoke-filled dance floors
    crowded with mingling strangers.
    Doing away with the art
    of "How do you do?"
    "Nice weather today."
    "And, um, so..." mock conversation
    struggling mid-sentence.
    Apparently uncaring, grasping
    the impermanence of the spoken word.

    Company is overrated.

    So are 'choices' -- merely synonymous with 'habits'.
    Some habits never die.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  19. #179
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Hehe. I had fun making that one too. Anyway, I made a mistake: it's actually 37 fic title in it (I mistake Wrath of Fire for my first fic - Dragon Flame - when it is actually the original title for the aforementioned fic. Moitiť Moi-mÍme was a fic by Toxicity that got deleted when TPM moved, and Who Will Save Me? is a one shot by Bulbasaur4 that is written way when TPM was in Ezboard (or something like that)

    By the way, good poem, Ada. I enjoyed it.
    Please take it easy~

  20. #180
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Thanks, Faiz! Glad you liked it.

    Finally, the song Rain Eternal is done. The bugger took eight hours to record and mix (damn computer programs screwing audio up). The best thing about the recording is easily the gorgeous Steinway and Sons the piano part was recorded on (yay to university resources), as opposed to the dodgy mp3 player it was recorded with (great player, but not exactly stellar recording equipment). I'm happy with the melody and the arrangement (although most of it's 'let's throw in whatever random notes we can think of!'), and I'm pretty happy with the lyrics as well. It's when they're put together that problems arise. The music's distinctly... girly. Weak. Argh. Although that could just be the voice. It might work better with a boy singing. And the less said about my pianoa dn vocal 'expertise' the better.

    Have a listen: http://audio.xanga.com/mistysakura/d...722/audio.html Please don't sue me for hearing damage.

    Any comments, criticisms, musical bashing greatly appreciated. Be as harsh as you like.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  21. #181
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    Thumbs down Re: Poetry Corner

    Wow, first of all congrats on "completing" something like this. Had to take a lot of work and do-overs, so that alone's impressive.

    Haha, I like how the end got hard and staccato but it kinda came outta nowhere from the haunting tone for most of the song. there are parts where the piano gets harder and the voice more strained, but if those parts were made more staccato then the end could still have that sudden-ness but with a nice callback to earlier, similar parts.

    i like the female voice here, more than a male voice i'd say. it's quiet on this recording though, especially in the beginning compared to the piano (which sounds gorgeous). with sound editing i think just bumping up the volume of the vocals would make the song stronger. that and adding in a periodic half-bar or so of staccato.

    i think most people here knew you were a talented writer but now this? dang.. well done

    dratini by day

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    Best. Forum. Ever.

  22. #182
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Wow, Ada. Wow.

    Firstly, what Martin said on the congrats.

    Secondly - just whoa. I listened to it while reading the lyrics (I see you make some edits) so it was really enjoyable. I really liked the music and I think it really does work all together. I think if a boy was doing the singing it would end up possibly a bit too layered or something, maybe too heavy, like it would need heavier music with a male voice or something. I do agree that with more advanced recording or mixing the vocals could be slightly louder, but not too much. It doesn't sound weak, just gentle.

    Anyway - I thought it was really cool that you kept working on this and showed us the result. Well done. It's quite an achievement, I reckon.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  23. #183
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Martin: see, shameless plugging does work! Thanks for replying, and thanks heaps especially for the comments. Mm, actually the end does seem a bit out of place. It sounded perfectly fine in my head... maybe I'll just end it with a repeat of the starting bit, that would be more fitting and haunting. Actually... I just thought of something I could do! Cool. Yeah a bit more dynamics and contrast would be good too. I think the female voice suits the music better, but for the lyrics I don't know. It is supposed to be about war and all that, but I see they're really soft for that anyway.

    Gavin: Thanks for replying without shameless plugging! Mm, the music would need a different spin for a male voice, yes. I'd probably make it more direct and use no layering. About the volume of the vocals, I could actually fix that easily; the software does let me do that (I cheated most of the dynamics, hehe).

    ... I didn't think it was that great an achievement... people write songs all the time...
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  24. #184
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Quote Originally Posted by mistysakura View Post
    ... I didn't think it was that great an achievement... people write songs all the time...
    True, but not many record them. I've certainly never seriously considered it. So it seems like a cool thing to have done.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  25. #185
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    Default Memories

    Hi everyone!

    Well, I've been around reading stories and other things, and I thought that maybe, I could be part of this.

    About this piece: this is something I made to see if I have some skills at writing, because it's been a long time since I wrote something. I made this in half an hour, and I decided to make very lillte changes, because I want to read your opinions. I hope that you enjoy it.



    Memories



    Questions breathing
    Sounds youíre hearing
    Never stopping
    Always beating
    Gives you joy
    Makes you sad
    Some are good
    Others bad

    Flash of images
    Dance of words
    Happy ending
    Not at all
    Greatest prank
    Hardest fall
    Fight on bank
    Pick the call

    Found the love
    The first kiss
    Did not work
    Learn your miss
    No regrets
    Light of hope
    Try again
    Grab the rope

    Once again
    Hear the bond
    Down the river
    Through the pond
    All the flow
    That they hold
    Just a blow
    Leaves you cold

    Thatís the way
    Memories are
    But today
    Store away
    Ďtill next time


    Optimist award 2012.

    ďThere is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.Ē (Linda Grayson)

    Thank you everyone... for being so kind and for bringing out the best in me! You are definitely awesome! ^_^

  26. #186
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Mistysakura: Hehe, nice song! ^^ Really love the lyrics and music. That's good that you put a lot of effort into it!

    Well, posting here a poem that I finished a few minutes ago. For some reason I was on a poetry mood tonight. XD This poem might not be great so it could be the chance I might rewrite it. Well, hope you enjoy.

    Two Cities

    One city is perfect in every way.
    Everyone waves and says hi,
    Helps and cares.
    No crimes and jokes,
    Lies and dramas.
    -I always visit there.

    One city is not perfect.
    Everyone cries and kicks,
    Shouts and trembles.
    No apologies and hugs,
    Truths and returns.
    -I am always there.

    One city always makes me smile.
    One city always makes me stronger.
    -That city can be stronger.


    To not make this explanation long, it is basically about the mentality of someone. Yes, going in our little world can make us happy, but won't last forever. Eventually we have to face those 'bad days' in the real world and in order for us to get through it, we have to make ourselves get stronger, get used to and improve our mentality of the problems we have.

    I hope I made sense O.o;;;.
    Also known as Bay =D


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    Rid of the Scarlet Letter (One Shot)//Two Cities (Poem)//Forever Young (one shot)//Hounds of Goldenrod (one shot)

    ~Nothing, Everything~
    The stage is set. Goals will be achieved. History will come alive.
    Chapter Eighteen up (12/8/08)

  27. #187
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Don't worry, you make perfect sense. More sense than I ever do. Actually, when I read the poem, I thought it was about perspective -- how one city is all happy and perfect and one city isn't, but from a different perspective the imperfect city is equally valued because it teaches you to be stronger. But your explanation makes just as much sense. I like the simplicity of the poem, how it's so sure of what it's saying and how it doesn't have to hide behind big words. I like how it's all symmetric as well. I thought 'or' would have sounded better than 'and' in lines 4-5 and 10-11 though, because 'and' is generally more positive, used for things you have.

    Yep, I enjoyed it.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

  28. #188
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    I quite liked your poem, Goodnight Seadra. I liked the use of contrast because that's a technique I like to use, too. Though I admit I didn't get the intended meaning of "Two Cities" until I read your notes at the end.

    Ada - I really liked the reworkings of your two poems. The death sonnet - "Tightrope" now - was beautiful - I can't even remember if I read it properly the first time, or even if I knew how to read a sonnet at that stage. In any case, I found it really evocative: your use of imagery worked superbly in evoking the meaning. I admit, though, I faltered with the rhythm on the last line - might've been the semi-colon that threw me off, or the word 'abyss'. That might've just been my limited experience with reading sonnets though; on the whole, it was very good.

    "Solitude" was very atmospheric too, and kind of resigned to that loneliness, or something. Maybe that's just my reading of it.

    *********

    Anyway: I've written another "poem", though I'm tentative about calling it poetry, I don't know why. It kind of proceeds from the questions asked in Daimler (or maybe just the last one), but not exactly, and that's not how I thought of it when I wrote it; and the "answers" are more choices than anything. It's quite structured, too, though I wonder if maybe it might take a couple of readings before it becomes clear what's being said. Though this was intensely personal, towards the end I felt like I wasn't just writing for myself, at least not entirely (maybe that's presumptuous or pretentious, but I don't think it is a terrible stretch). In any case, it helped a lot to write this.

    The Choices

    You could divulge your deepest darkest
    You could be as honest as the day you were born
    You could see the utter revulsion in their faces
    You could realise there are worse things than disgust

    You could talk about your clinical vexations
    You could admit to needing some kind of help
    You could be called a weak excuse for a man
    You could realise there are worse things than unmanly

    You could do away with your coping mechanisms
    You could stop saying what you think you ought to
    You could stop numbing yourself when challenged
    You could realise there are worse things than feelings

    You could accept what's beyond your control
    You could be OK with all parts of yourself
    You could be called names by everyone you know
    You could realise there are worse things than judgement

    You could drink yourself into a nightly stupor
    You could sedate yourself with untold female pleasures
    You could build yourself a hard courageous body
    You could remain strapped to adolescent crutches
    You could remain fearful of your feelings and processes
    You could become unusually stoic and reticent
    You could isolate yourself and be isolated
    You could never ask yourself another question
    You could go mad from endless uncertainty
    You could burn with shame amassed since age 14
    You could take all your secrets to an early grave
    You could realise nothing at all.
    Last edited by Gavin Luper; 1st September 2007 at 02:31 AM.
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  29. #189
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    This is another short piece I made. I hope to keep working on it to make it better, altough I feel like I shouldn't keep making poetry.



    A poem for the world


    I give the best of me, in order to create
    A poem for the world, a masterpiece with fate.
    I wish with all my heart, to make the strongest piece,
    To put the stars on earth and bring the love with ease.
    I wish I could impress the readers of the world
    With power to steal stress with every single word.
    I want to use my rhymes in union with my soul,
    To spread the faith and hope from Washington to Seoul.
    I wish to make a piece for someone to enjoy,
    To fill a personís life with happiness and joy.



    Haven't you ever felt like words have the power to change the world?


    Optimist award 2012.

    ďThere is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.Ē (Linda Grayson)

    Thank you everyone... for being so kind and for bringing out the best in me! You are definitely awesome! ^_^

  30. #190
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    something i spit up just now
    --

    The best decision I've ever made will make me unhappy
    Nonsensicals fingerfuck my synapses
    I have to do something
    Dragging myself, I claw for support familiar
    But loveholds shift to sand and -

    and I arch back into a snarling loneliness
    All I have is my decision, and I guard it like a wild animal mother
    No one can backhand me hard enough
    Before I stalk off never to be seen again
    Only heard from.

    dratini by day

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  31. #191
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    Gavin: mm, I agree that the flow of the couplet doesn't work. It's definitely because of the semi-colon, which broke up the lines unnaturally. On the one hand, I think it makes the lines sound more hesitant and uncertain; on teh other hand, it doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem. Eh, I'll make up my mind on that.


    About Choices, I know what you mean when you sya that by the end of something, you're writing for more than yourself. It's like you've discovered some truth, some new understanding in the process of writing it, and by writing you hope others might see a little glimmer of it too. I don't think that's presumptuous; hey, it's just your take on things, right? About the actual poem, I found it extremely powerful. The structure really helped; normally that degree of repetition would annoy me, but is this case it reinforces the multitude of choices you have. The way I see it, the first four stanzas have a more concrete structure and they show an attempt at reasonable analysis, but in the fifth stanza that all goes down the drain and all the choices are just tumbling from your mind and there's all this chaos... until the last line. Which I see as a statement that it's better at least to have learned something from this confusion than to have realised nothing.

    Um, yeah.

    shinypkmnchaser: Of course words have power to change the world. It might be a more subtle change than, say, a peace treaty, but... what are peace treaties made of? And the people who write peace treaties, where do you think they got their vision of peace from? Words. Something someone once said to them, something they read somewhere. Perhaps something they've experienced which they haven't directly put into words... but it will affect everything they write. So don't stop writing poetry, dude.

    I like the optimism in your poem. I thought the flow in particular was good,a dn the use of regular metre helped with that. Some of the rhymes felt a bit icky though; for example, when I read 'from Washington to Seoul' my first thought was 'you just chose that to rhyme, didn't you?' I like a poem where every word has its importance and isn't there just to rhyme or fill out metre (hehe, been guilty of that too many times). Overall, good job though.

    Martin: Yay, new writing from you! I must say that I don't really get this one... but then again, I don't get a whole heap of stuff, so don't mind me. I sense there's something about the duality between loneliness and engagement, but that's about it. I like the imagery though, adn the choice of words which gives the narrator's actions a wildness and almost feralness. I really like the imagery of lovehonds shifting to sand and everything slipping away. The first line doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem though, in terms of tone and stuff.
    mistysakura
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  32. #192
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    Deadline

    Why do they call it a deadline?
    Why?
    I don't want to be dead when I reach the finish line;
    I don't want a line drawn around me when I'm dead,
    I certainly don't want to sweat out my work so as to collapse down, dead, exhausted from tapping and clapping all night.
    What sort of 'line' is that to aspire to? It's already dead.
    I'm going to call it a lifeline,
    Because when I meet my 'line'
    I'd like to think
    I have some life left.

    Show-Off
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    *Chapter 37 up*
    Posted September 22nd, 2013


    ________________________________________________



  33. #193
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    I quite liked your 'Deadline' poem, Chris. Quite ironic or something. I can totally relate to ... all of it. Damn uni work. Hehe.

    I enjoyed 'A Poem for the World', too - I reckon a lot of writers wish they could actually achieve something with their words, whether it's a feeling or a thought within another person. Actually, maybe all writers want that. Why else would we make anything we write viewable to other people?

    Martin: OK, I thought that was a really good poem. The first time I read it I didn't really get it - maybe I still don't - but I've warmed to it more now. I thought the first two lines were kick arse. Just ... awesome. The rest of the piece was pretty vague, to be honest, like I'm missing all the important information. Maybe it works better that way, though, so the reader can project their own interpretations onto it. "Dragging myself, I claw for support familiar" - I really liked the weakness and desperation of that line. And "no one can backhand me hard enough" = awesome.

    OK, here's something we had to do in one of our workshops at uni - write a pantoum, which (for those who haven't heard of it before, cause I know I hadn't) is a poem utilising certain conventions of repetition to effect some meaning. This feels like a slightly soulless poem, because it's not personal - we were told to write ten random lines of poetry and then use them in a certain way. So it's a bit detached.

    White

    White like her grandmother's bones
    She's been told she must be
    To kick up charcoal dust in her wake
    Black as night, hammers the final nail

    She's been told she must be
    As a child, all pigtails and fair skin
    Black as night, hammers the final nail
    Those branches from which her brothers swung

    As a child, all pigtails and fair skin
    The drizzle clears among the yews
    Those branches from which her brothers swung
    She burns so easily in the sun

    The drizzle clears among the yews
    The hated porcelain tears run
    She burns so easily in the sun
    A scornful statue in the shade

    The hated porcelain tears run
    She's been told she must be
    A scornful statue in the shade
    White like her grandmother's bones.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

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    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

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  34. #194
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    In a weird way, I like your poem, Gavin. Makes me think of the icicles left over from a long winter being washed away by a warmer spring rain. Maybe because it's spring for you in Aussieland, even if it's autumn here?

    As for myself, I bet it's a shock to see me posting here, at least in this thread. But later on (read: mid-to-late senior year) I realized that my better subjects were the ones with which I could think and create, and figured I wasn't so bad. Although maybe I could work beyond having a lot of personal aspects that would influence said creativity.

    And on the note of personal incidents and creativity, this was something I put together after a recent series of conversations with who I have to consider the best "in real life" friend I've ever had. For those who don't know me "well enough," I'll explain it without revealing too much: there's as many similarities as there are differences; even then, we both manage to get along well and know each other well - maybe too well.

    I can find this strangely relative to Daimler and The Choices, also by Gavin. Also, there's two sides "voiced" in this work, albeit irregularly (and not one "stanza" speaks for just one side). If you do manage to determine which side is voiced where, you'll be rewarded with one free internet.

    That One Day
    Tell me a story
    Like old times
    You know what I mean
    Where we were joined in laughter
    when we weren't joined in tears
    Even without tears?

    You know that when I say this
    I'm not pushing you away
    It's only the shock because
    It's just not the same
    This new-found distance
    But you know that when I can
    If I can
    I'd take what I would've gained
    And give it back
    Just to be around you again
    That one day

    Believe me; it's not entirely my fault
    The days aren't the same
    Long, irregular clocks
    Much unlike the simplicity of before
    I know what you mean
    Even when I'm sitting
    Waiting
    I know I'll probably not see you
    Unless I try

    The sacrifices are a bit of the same
    Yet you shouldn't be worrying
    I know, yet I'm willing
    It's all I have left to try
    When here it's as if
    I'm not trying at all

    I remember seeing you in mornings
    Drifting, barely there
    Sometimes it seemed like only I
    Could bring you back to your feet
    And I thank you for that
    Yet in some oddly similar way
    You always chose to go into that river
    The rainbow fish
    In a stream of royalty and riches

    And even then, I know it wasn't you
    It was a lifeless tree, small and coated black
    Her thin branches keeping those she caught
    Close to her, and clinging elate
    Keeping you closer after letting me go
    I wanted to escape; this I told always
    And when she was finally uprooted
    I didn't know that it was too late

    It's behind us now
    Shouldn't be that big of a concern
    And even then, I still can't help but worry
    Will we ever actually see each other again?
    Hear that timid voice?
    The unusual comfort of a simple hold?
    Scary enough, I admit to feeling the same
    Although you have your issues
    And I've got mine

    How have you been?
    I've just been in thought
    Maybe too much thought
    Like I assured you
    Don't worry; I'll be okay
    Even if I've been heading downward since departure
    It'll be all put aside
    That one day

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  35. #195
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    Chris: Nooo! Deadlines! Hehe, I reckon they're deadlines because we're dead if we don't meet them. I love your take on them though. We're working so hard to meet deadlines, but what's the point if we can't take a breath of fresh air after?

    Gavin: I guess I see what you're saying about it being a soulless poem because you were basically told to do things a certain way. But I reckon it'scool to experiment with stuff like that, and if it gets incorporated into future writing it will have the effect and not be soulless. I really like the poem though; I like the feeling that everything's linked to everything else, the frustration that keeps going round and round, the links to the past, the imagery... And I like how 'she's' static, a statue, being told what she must be, and there's all this action going on around her. I must say, I'm lost as to what the poem's trying to say though, although I feel like I should because everything's so concretely laid out and the repetition's screaming "look at me, can't you see what I'm saying? At least the second time round?"

    Toxicity: I really like how you've portrayed this relationship. The distance between them now (well, I suppose not distance, but something's changed) and what I see as this thing that's happened between them that they're dancing around and not talking about. I didn't see that there were two sides being voiced though; it wasn't obvious to me, probably because I don't have all the background info. I like the image of the long, irregular clocks (anything to do with Dali?) and the rainbow fish.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
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  36. #196
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    A poem inspired by YouTube, of all things...

    Today
    I saw someone
    Complete the old X-Men arcade game
    On one credit.

    It impressed me and saddened me
    At the same time.

    Impressed me,
    Because I used to play that game
    All the game when we were kids
    And never beat it.

    Saddened me,
    Because I found myself thinking,
    "Wait until I tell him!"
    And that was when I realized
    I can't even remember
    The last time we spoke.
    The Place That Is No More - Because the world needed to hear me rant and rave.

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  37. #197
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    I do like the poem, Laura; although like Gavin, I can't really see the 2nd side. Neverthlessa, it was a good read.

    This is just something that has been playing in my mind for a while now. I do think it sounds a bit like preaching... but eh.

    Donít put out the fire!

    Here I am
    Trying to put out the bush fire;
    And I canít forgive myself
    If I were to close my eyes
    And turned my head away
    Letting the fire spreads
    Until it becomes a wildfire;
    I do detest them
    The ones who started the fire,
    The ones who think that
    A little bit of fire
    Is harmless

    But no,
    Not only will the fire burn them
    But we, the spectators
    We shall feel the heat, too;
    And yet, we pretend
    That the fire will not harm us
    At all

    The ignorant, they mocked me;
    Sneering, they said,
    ďIf you are so good,
    Why should you be putting out the bush fire?
    Put out the blazing fire,
    Why donít you?Ē
    I went silent;
    No, it was not that I was afraid of them
    It was because I was disappointed,
    Disappointed that they were so blind
    To not see that the so-called ďbush fireĒ
    Had now but turn into a blazing inferno
    That had stretched and reached the sky
    Burning furiously

    And what is this?
    I hear one can retain their purity
    Even after they had stained themselves;
    Canít they see that they are no different
    Than an egg?
    Once broken
    It can never be mended

    And as for the counterpart,
    They think of themselves
    As an onion;
    It doesnít matter
    How many layer you peel
    Because, in the end
    The onion remains an onion

    But remember,
    When God said ďbe!Ē
    It shall be!

    Woe to us!
    How much death must we see?
    Do we want to see more beast
    Roaming free on the street?
    How much unborn lives must be taken,
    In cold blood?
    Tell me, is it right
    To sell our honour
    For the sake of progress?
    Do we not fear His wrath?

    So, listen to me now!
    Put out the fire!
    Yea, put out the fire!
    Please take it easy~

  38. #198
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    I'm glad you found some kind of meaning or convergence in Daimler and The Choices, Toxicity. I wish I could claim a free internet, but I couldn't discern the voices in That One Day.

    Okay, so, I've written something that isn't completely abstract or overly introspective or depressive. I wouldn't go as far as to call it a 'love poem', but it's vaguely in that direction, I spose. I know it probably has no rhyme or meter or anything, but I don't claim to be a good poet or anything: I was really just writing free verse kinda stuff.

    Portobello Girl

    There you are girl
    Right out of the darkness you appeared
    Emerged with a laugh on Portobello Road
    Fell into step right beside me

    Your deep brown eyes
    Searched me for traces of similarity
    Found the connection you longed for
    Saw it stare you back, hard and alight

    And my beer can
    Accelerated the enthusiastic exchange
    Of hard rock and hilarious 80s films
    So unlikely in a place so untreaded

    My fear left me
    We crept nervously into that shared room
    Sure they were all asleep or passed out now
    You sweetly invited me into your bed

    I roared that night
    For everything that had been said against me
    For the animal bursting to get free from my chest
    For the sheer heat and pleasure of it all

    And you were more
    Than my honestly affectionate words let on
    You gave me a bubble to sleep in that night
    You deflected the caving in of my torturous walls

    I still regret
    Not kissing you by that Amsterdam canal
    Where we divulged innermost philosophies
    But you had your train to catch, and I mine

    And your sad eyes
    Linger in my troubled midnight recollections
    Not unwelcome; they somehow give me hope
    Knowing, once, that we existed; that we were.
    Last edited by Gavin Luper; 14th November 2007 at 10:40 AM.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

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  39. #199
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    Hello you magical, critiquey people! Now, I'm doing something different this Christmas, that being sticking a poem I wrote on the front of homemade Christmas cards. I'm slightly worried that people will think it's pretentious or whatever, and I make no claims to like any poetry I write, but when I started with this, my brain said it should be a poem. The first verse started out entirely as a line of prose, but it nagged and kicked me until I teased it into a poem. So what I'm saying, I guess, is this: is this good enough for my entire flat of 23 people to see, as well as my rather huge family? Or should I dispose of it, only to show it to my creative writing class?

    S'called:

    Winter's Footsteps.

    Snow falls,
    like so many autumn
    leaves,
    blanketing the ground
    with perfect pale.

    All sound
    dimmed and soft,
    save the crunch of
    Winter,
    her footsteps a clear trail
    in pristine snow.


    this is hell
    we have a little something called integrity

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  40. #200
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    You know what? Family and friends think your writing is wonderful even if it sucks. So it should be your creative writing class you're worrying about. The good news is it doesn't suck. I like it. The crisp imagery reminds me of haikus. I really like the personification of winter. The comparison of snow falling with autumn leaves bugged me though; the reference to autumn threw me totally off the wintry atmosphere.

    Gavin: I get what you're saying abourt it not quite being a love poem. Usually those are more along the line of odes, but this was more about the connection you had with her. I liked it; my favourite line was "And my beer can/ Accelerated the enthusiastic exchange..." A bit brain-dead at the moment, can't come up with intelligent things to say.

    Faiz: Mm, very passionate. I like the imagery of the fire and the best roaming wild. I didn't get the onion metaphor though. About the egg metaphor, is it saying that people think they can be forgiven for their sins, but that will never be?
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
    2007 Silver Pencils: Winner of Best Poem (Death Sonnet -- Untitled)
    2004 Silver Pencils: Winner of Nicest Fanficcer & Least Likely Couple (with PancaKe)
    Former 3-time winner of Most Dedicated Reader at the Fanfiction Forums
    Also Keeper of the 'A'ctivator Unown

    Brimstone Diamonds. The Artist. Tightrope. Solitude. Autopsy.
    Glitter (one-shot).
    Listen to Rain Eternal -- a song.

    Random thought: 2+2=5.

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