The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles

[PsiUmbreon]

Do you like cheese? If so, this collection of stories will be perfect for you. If you don't... this collection of stories will be perfect for you. Did I forget to mention that this collection of stories will be perfect for you? Good. Here is the first of a collection of stories that will be perfect for you.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles*~

It was a bright and sunny day as a young boy got up from his toaster. Yes, this boy slept in a giant toaster. Why? Don't ask. Never ask, or you will be confused and your head could possibly explode. Three people died when they asked questions about my story. Don't become another Jorg.

Anywho, I digress. The young boy got up, wearing three different pairs of shorts at once, and went downstairs. Only to find his family being surrounded by meerkats. Not just any meerkats. Dyslexic meerkats.

"Girl, help us!" shouted the mother. She was wearing... aah, who the hell cares about description?

"But how do I help you?" responded Girl. Yes, the boy was named Girl. Your eyes do not deceive you. But the pumpkins might. Hmm... you'd better throw out those pumpkins of yours before you continue reading. What's that? You don't have any pumpkins? Well, then go to the store and buy some, then throw them out! Sheesh, why do I have to tell you everything?

"You must go to the Everlasting Forest of Butter, and find the legendary af;lkjglk;uer, which contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time!"

"And don't forget to bring a towel!" Towellie exclaimed. Girl looked behind him, and saw a blue towel with white stripes at both ends of it standing up and staring at him. Where did this towel come from? Who knows.

"Umm... okay..." Girl responded, confused.

"...Wanna get high?" Towellie blurted out after a brief pause.

"No thanks." Towellie abruptly vanished.

So, the boy set off on a mystical journey in typical cliche RPG fashion. He had a backpack, presumably full of supplies, and with his trusted weapon, a stick that was named Charlie, he slayed all the monsters that appeared before him, gaining experience points and money.

Except there were no monsters. But plenty of pizza. Yes, plenty of pizza.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the dyslexic meerkats were playing cards with the family.

Wait, what ranch? Oh, ranch dressing. Let's talk about ranch dressing for a moment. It's white. Yes, very white. And creamy. Yes, creamy. And it tastes like ranch dressing. Did you know that? By the way, I like cheese. Did you know that? Did you? I bet you didn't. Anyways, cheese and ranch dressing so do not go together. But what about blue cheese? That's dressing, isn't it? But it doesn't go with ranch dressing. Now does it?

Spiffleamadingdong.

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Girl had reached the Forest of Everlasting Butter, when suddenly, an owl appeared. Some really strange music started playing, and the owl was about to talk to the young lad and bestow upon him some mystic knowledge important to his quest. But instead, the owl turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

The Forest was very green. Yes, very green. And there was no butter in it whatsoever. It was a normal, regular forest. With regular, normal trees, and regular, normal wildlife. And occasionally a regular, normal fallen tree would block the regular, normal path that snaked in a regular, normal fashion through the regular, normal woods.

No one knows why the forest is named after president Kennedy. All they know is that it's called the Forest of Everlasting Butter, and it was, in fact, not named after president Kennedy. Nor was it named by president Kennedy, who would have named it Shmekl. Nor did it have anything to do with president Kennedy whatsoever.

Upon Girl's journey through the forest, he happened to run into a Pikachu. But not just any regular old Pikachu. Wait, on second thought, yes, it is just a regular old Pikachu. And it has nothing to do with the story. Well, actually yes it does. The boy lobbed a Poké Ball from his backpack at the Pikachu. The ball hits the Pikachu, who then gets sucked into the ball. The ball jiggled... it jiggled... then it turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

No sooner does Girl take another step, when an old, bald man with grey hair shouts "You can't go through here! This is private property!" Girl then realized that this was because he did not deliver Oak's Parcel from the local Poké Mart back to Professor Oak yet. He then set off for this Poké Mart. But unfortunately, it had already turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Girl went back to that point in the forest. The old man stopped him. But instead of yelling at him, he went into a long, drawn out explanation on how to catch a Pokémon. The young lad stared impatiently as he threw a Poké Ball at a level 5 Weedle, and caught it. When the demonstration was over, the man added, "First, you must weaken the target." He then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good... no it didn't. Yuck! Old man cheese.

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The paraplegic meerkats were still playing cards with the family. Right now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "weren't those supposed to be dyslexic meerkats?" To which I must remind you NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS. Do you want your head to explode? I didn't think so. Going on...

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Girl had finally reached the center of the forest. What's that? He hasn't? Ok, let's stall for time by talking about spandex. Spandex is stretchy. It comes in all colors, and is not pretty when morbidly obese people wear it. Did you know that?

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Food policy is a plan or course of action intended to influence and determine decisions, actions, behavior, and perceptions to enable people access enough food for an active, healthy life. It consists of the setting of goals for food production, processing, marketing, availability, access, utilization and consumption, as well as the processes for achieving these goals on a local, national, regional and global level. More specifically, food policy comprises the mechanisms by which food-related matters are addressed or administered by governments, by international bodies or networks, or by any public institution or private organization. As a subfield of public policy, food policy covers the entire food chain, from natural resources (such as soils, water, and biodiversity), to production (crops and animals), to processing, marketing, and retailing, as well as food consumption (including food safety) and nutrition (including nutrition-related health). Food policy shapes the structure and functioning of the food system in the direction of the intended goals.

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I have feet.

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Yeesh, finally. Girl reached the center of the forest. There was a huge clearing, and in the middle was a large tree stump. Typically a place where something important to a quest in your usual RPG would lie. And, of course, there, on the center of that large stump, within a cone of light, was af;lkjglk;uer. af;lkjglk;uer had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. That is all that can be said about af;lkjglk;uer.

Let me tell you about an important grammatical rule of af;lkjglk;uer. It must never, never, EVER be capitalized. Or else a four-headed monkey will eat you. Unless you journey to the planet HAAAAAAAAACK!... sorry, I coughed. The planet Jibomar. There you must take a test. The test involves eating pencils and chewing gum. It also involves running from huge electric squirrels, and destroying the Death Star. If you can accomplish these feats, all the while carrying three feathers, you... still get eaten by a four-headed monkey. But it's much more fun that way.

So anyways, the boy walked up to the af;lkjglk;uer. He took it from its stump in the forest. That, of course, triggered a boss battle. A huge, scary looking orc appeared in front of him. He was bald, whitish-purple in color, and wore only a loin cloth. He was of course humanoid in shape. Armed with his trusted stick Charlie, the boy attacked. Of course, the stick broke on the orc harmlessly. The orc looked at the boy ferociously, as though he were ready to tear the boy to pieces. The boy knew he could only do one thing. He stood on the stump, and a mystical rune appeared around him. The boy was channeling all his energy into this magic. Of course, the orc waited for the boy to finish casting his magic spell which surely would mean doom for the orc.

About ten seconds later, a carrot drops down from the sky. A harmless, measly looking carrot. It was kinda shriveled actually. It landed on the ground next to the orc with a harmless thud. The orc looked at the boy... and broke down in laughter. Of course, this had cost the boy all his MP. Quickly, the boy ran between the orc's legs while the orc was distracted. The orc chased him. It was not long, however, before the orc turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

He then realized that he had left af;lkjglk;uer at the stump. He ran back to go get it. But unfortunately... it had turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Or so he thought. The cheese he just ate was the embodiment of af;lkjglk;uer. The boy now had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. He was now af;lkjglk;uer.

The boy knew that this was what he needed to do to save his family from the manic-depressive meerkats. Quickly, he hurried home out of the forest, which abruptly turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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His family was still there. His mother, his sister, his father, and his brother. They were now playing army men with their captors, the triskaidekaphobic meerkats. The boy was desperately hurrying home. But suddenly, he was stopped by rabid Plusles. The rabid Plusles wanted to know the fastest way to get to Antarctica. So the boy told them it was south. The funny thing is, no matter where he was in the world, he was right about that. Amazing.

"...hey, is that af;lkjglk;uer? That which contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time?" One of the rabid Plusles stopped him.

"Why yes, that is af;lkjglk;uer!"

"Wow... behold... its properties of both zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj... at the same time..."

"No WAI!" Another rabid Plusle came when she saw af;lkjglk;uer.

"af;lkjglk;uer! af;lkjglk;uer!" A bunch of younger rabid Plusles ran up to af;lkjglk;uer.

"Umm... I have to get home." af;lkjglk;uer sang. Yes, sang. And he flitted off to his house. The rabid Plusles were disappointed, but they were soon enamored with a bowl of potato salad and forgot all about af;lkjglk;uer.

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Tomato paste.

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af;lkjglk;uer burst into the house where the family was still playing army men with the bulimic jack-o-lanterns. He then used the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time to seize control of Uzbekistan. This suddenly caused the schizophrenic tomatoes to turn into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

And thus, the family was freed. Girl had to vomit from eating all that cheese, and thus lost the properties of af;lkjglk;uer: zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj. And the moral of this story is, never capsize a niblor. Or they will turn into marklar. Marklar. Marklar marklar marklar. Marklar? Marklar!

The story turned into a piece of cheese. I grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

THE END.

or is it?

Yes, it is.

Is it really?

YES.

Really?

YES.

Really really?

YES.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaallly?

I said YES!

Oh, fine. I'll give you an epilogue. Everyone in the story settled in my stomach, because it became a piece of cheese and I ate it. The end.

[Sike Saner]

Yeah, this is my first (and only) serious fic I have ever written.

What?! No, it isn't! What about this one?

Lol. XP

Okay, first of all:

Do you like cheese? If so, this collection of stories will be perfect for you. If you don't... this collection of stories will be perfect for you. Did I forget to mention that this collection of stories will be perfect for you? Good. Here is the first of a collection of stories that will be perfect for you.

Best. Introduction. Ever. XD

Now, there were a number of things that amused me in this... er... story... thingie. X3 The main things are as follows:

"Girl, help us!" shouted the mother. She was wearing... aah, who the hell cares about description?

XP

"And don't forget to bring a towel!" Towellie exclaimed. Girl looked behind him, and saw a blue towel with white stripes at both ends of it standing up and staring at him. Where did this towel come from? Who knows.

"Umm... okay..." Girl responded, confused.

"...Wanna get high?" Towellie blurted out after a brief pause.

"No thanks." Towellie abruptly vanished.

Hooray for random appearances by South Park characters. XP

Girl had reached the Forest of Everlasting Butter, when suddenly, an owl appeared. Some really strange music started playing, and the owl was about to talk to the young lad and bestow upon him some mystic knowledge important to his quest. But instead, the owl turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

This is truly a momentous occasion: the first time that Girl chose to grab something that had randomly turned into cheese and eat it, with the cheese happening to taste good. XP

The Forest was very green. Yes, very green. And there was no butter in it whatsoever. It was a normal, regular forest. With regular, normal trees, and regular, normal wildlife. And occasionally a regular, normal fallen tree would block the regular, normal path that snaked in a regular, normal fashion through the regular, normal woods.

No one knows why the forest is named after president Kennedy. All they know is that it's called the Forest of Everlasting Butter, and it was, in fact, not named after president Kennedy.

I like that the "Forest of Everlasting Butter" contains no butter whatsoever, and also like how the narrator promptly self-contradicts when it comes to the forest being named after President Kennedy. XD

Girl went back to that point in the forest. The old man stopped him. But instead of yelling at him, he went into a long, drawn out explanation on how to catch a Pokémon. The young lad stared impatiently as he threw a Poké Ball at a level 5 Weedle, and caught it. When the demonstration was over, the man added, "First, you must weaken the target." He then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good... no it didn't. Yuck! Old man cheese.

*gasp* Are you telling me that things don't always taste good when they randomly turn into cheese?

And lol, "old man cheese" is, I believe, one of the nastiest phrases I've ever seen in text. XP

Food policy is a plan or course of action intended to influence and determine decisions, actions, behavior, and perceptions to enable people access enough food for an active, healthy life. It consists of the setting of goals for food production, processing, marketing, availability, access, utilization and consumption, as well as the processes for achieving these goals on a local, national, regional and global level. More specifically, food policy comprises the mechanisms by which food-related matters are addressed or administered by governments, by international bodies or networks, or by any public institution or private organization. As a subfield of public policy, food policy covers the entire food chain, from natural resources (such as soils, water, and biodiversity), to production (crops and animals), to processing, marketing, and retailing, as well as food consumption (including food safety) and nutrition (including nutrition-related health). Food policy shapes the structure and functioning of the food system in the direction of the intended goals.

Fwee, that's about as relevant to the story as... something that's not very relevant to the story. XP

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I have feet.

Whoa. o.o What a mind-blowing revelation that was. XP

The boy knew he could only do one thing. He stood on the stump, and a mystical rune appeared around him. The boy was channeling all his energy into this magic. Of course, the orc waited for the boy to finish casting his magic spell which surely would mean doom for the orc.

About ten seconds later, a carrot drops down from the sky. A harmless, measly looking carrot. It was kinda shriveled actually. It landed on the ground next to the orc with a harmless thud. The orc looked at the boy... and broke down in laughter. Of course, this had cost the boy all his MP.

Truly, that is one of the most awesome and amazing spells of all time. It's right up there with the likes of Feeve and Higins. XP

Tomato paste.

The length and relevance of that scene are downright staggering. XP



Oh, and by the way? Cheese Cars all the way.

[PsiUmbreon]

Here is the second of the collection of stories that will be perfect for you. Even if you like cheese. Even if you don't like cheese. But maybe not if you are missing your ketchup.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 2: Bertha's Big Day*~

It all started when Serebii Joe discovered the Fibonacci sequence... never mind, that never happened. Or did it?

No, it was all when Jarl the lonely Swampert decided to wake up from his one story toaster, and say the word fetish at the end of every sentence for the rest of the day. He walked outside, and other Digimon Pokémon were out there waiting for him.

"Good day, Jarl!" a Makuhita with a bottle of rum surgically attached to his forehead said.

"Good day to you too fetish!" Jarl replied.

"Umm... what's wrong with you, Jarl?" the Makuhita replied.

"You're quite the one to be asking that with a bottle of rum attached to your forehead fetish," Jarl said back.

"I hate you!" The Makuhita yelled back, then ran away crying.

A green Pikachu walked up to the lonely Swampert. "Fooigbna! Nernatn hammer tiep." it said.

"Sure, you can join me fetish." Jarl replied.

"Cacnacac foob ragitn!" the green Pikachu replied. It then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl continued on pointlessly. A purple Jumpluff with leprosy floated over to him. He just wanted to know where the Chinto region was. But Jarl told him that no such region existed fetish. The Jumpluff then changed into a Mawile, who then fell apart. The Mawile's arm, however, decided to crawl around and follow Jarl on his pointless quest to nowhere. But then it fell apart.

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The evil sorcerer, Jarl, who happened to share the same name as the lonely Swampert, and also a couple of other Swamperts, one having a foot fetish, sat in his dusty, cavernous lair atop Mt. Mountain. He watched Jarl through his crystal Pez dispenser, which abruptly turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

So then Jarl decided to watch Jarl through Girl, who had assumed the properties of the crystal Pez dispenser for some reason. Jarl was walking through Mauville City. He decided to stop at the local Pokémon center.

"Aah, this is boring. What else is on?" Jarl said to himself. He then grabbed his remote control and changed the channel on Girl. He was now watching Fox.

"You are watching Fox!" came the response from Girl.

"I AM WATCHING FOX" Jarl said, hypnotized.

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2:89 And when there cometh unto them a scripture from Allah, confirming that in their possession - though before that they were asking for a signal triumph over those who disbelieved - and when there cometh unto them that which they know (to be the truth) they disbelieve therein. The curse of Allah is on disbelievers.
2:90 Evil is that for which they sell their souls: that they should disbelieve in that which Allah hath revealed, grudging that Allah should reveal of His bounty unto whom He will of His slaves. They have incurred anger upon anger. For disbelievers is a shameful doom.

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Jarl walked into the Pokémon Center for no reason. A strange man appeared in front of him.

"Hi, I'm Giddy! I have a scintillating story for you!" He spoke.

"That's nice fetish." Jarl replied.

"Would you like to hear my story?" Giddy asked. A box containing two options appeared in front of Jarl. He chose "no" and added fetish at the end of it.

"Abra is so charming. Don't you agree?" Giddy continued as though nothing happened. The text box containing "yes" and "no" appeared in front of Jarl again. Jarl selected "no" and added fetish at the end of it.

"Have you ever been underwater? Just once I would so like to go!" Giddy said. The box appeared again, and Jarl selected "no" once more, adding fetish at the end of it.

"Lunatone is so sunny. Don't you agree?" Giddy continued. Jarl selected no and added fetish at the end of it.

"Wouldn't it be nice to float away on a cloud of bubbles?" Giddy asked.

"No, it wouldn't fetish." Jarl replied. Giddy then turned into a piece of cheese. No, actually, he didn't, but Jarl wished he did.

"Gyarados is so pretty. Don't you agree?" Giddy continued. Jarl irritatedly selected "no" and added fetish at the end of it.

"That's all, I think. We should chat sometime!" Giddy said to Jarl.

"Oh, no we shouldn't fetish." Jarl replied, pulling out a bazooka from his pocket... oh wait, he doesn't have one. So then he pulled one out of the place which all cartoon characters pull out things they obviously couldn't have been carrying, and blew Giddy to smithereens. The smithereens turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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Jarl decided he was done watching Fox. But Girl wouldn't let him change the channel. He still liked watching Fox. So then Jarl grabbed his backup Pez dispenser, then wondered why he hadn't thought of that before. He then noticed that it was an ordinary Pez dispenser, and then he knew why he hadn't thought of that before. So then the evil sorcerer decided he would kill all the people named Jarl. Girl said, "oh, no you shouldn't, because that might lead to this story actually having a plot."

"Aah, good point," Jarl replied, and then went on watching Fox anyways.

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Jarl then walked on to the neighboring Vermilion City. What's that? Vermilion City is not anywhere near Mauville? Well, screw you. I'll have Jarl walk to neighboring Gateon Port if I feel like it. Anyways, yes, Jarl walked from Mauville to the neighboring Vermilion. The sky was a refreshing blue and the sea breeze... yada yada yada, descriptions are boring. Anyways, when he walked into town he saw a levitating Snorlax and a limbless Machoke tied to the back of a Ponyta.

"What's going on fetish?" Jarl said to the levitating Snorlax.

"Oh, the city is having its cheese festival." The Snorlax replied. "Would you like to come?"

"No thanks, I have nowhere to go to fetish." Jarl replied.

"Aah, ok," the Snorlax replied, and floated away.

"Nibber te bloop." The Ponyta then spoke to Jarl. "Foop na na na na."

"Jibberten hee fwop fetish!" Jarl then replied.

"Booter ne neefen gispergen." The Ponyta commented.

"Hoor schlepterheff nibble hooden fetish." Jarl responded swiftly.

"No. Nibberkeep." Ponyta replied, offended.

"Keeberesh oochlaten fetish." Jarl said apologetically.

"Nibberesh he feww blotten slammerte hooooooooo." Ponyta scolded.

"Ribby no hatten fetish." Jarl corrected.

"Flipper nich hop." The Ponyta replied, then clootened away with the Machoke on its heepen.

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Heeter no hooper hoffen gleesh. Nein Giblooten Foop eht neirach feww terne. Neht nok footer bob. Bild threeten focklestein 7. Fon Achtensto ere nnob slooten eht. Art rech nof sctook. Tee nee no nuuk. Fleeter fleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. No foop te na ha ha. Chia sho poot. Leeber loober lederhosen. Siecht blacken blooten blot. Foobern te hoop. Serecht no flibbertehoffenhoofengabberhop Nuzleaf Chinchou Articuno. Niblor marklar jello blee tee no fu. Jente nip te hot no. Yo quiero Taco Bell. Logna foloop fleeker ne te ha a oh. Chibber klee fleb no te ble nofoo u glabberhoffen mark. Zzzzzzzzzzz...

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Jarl continued on through Vermilion City, stopping at the Pokémon Fan club. Why? Because he felt like it. Okay, so anyways, he walked in. The fan club chairman was sitting at the end of the table. "Hey, would you like to hear about my favorite Rapidash?" he asked Jarl.

"No fetish."

"My favorite Rapidash... so cute... cuddly... hug it when warm... so smart..."

Jarl's eyes glazed over.

"Ooh, will you look at the time. I've kept you too long. Here, I'd like you to have this..." the Fan Club president said. At which point, he turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Dammit, now I'll never know what he was going to give me fetish." Jarl replied. He then set off on a quest to figure out what the fan club president was going to give him. But then one of the people at the fan club quickly realized that it would lead to this story actually having a plot, and said, "Dude. It was a bike voucher. Don't you remember Red Version?"

"I didn't exist at that time fetish." Jarl replied.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. You're a 3rd generation Pokémon." The fan club guy resigned.

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Ma-ia hii
Ma-ia huu
Ma-ia hoo
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha

Alo, salut, sunt eu, un haiduc
si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea. Alo, alo, sunt eu, Picasso
ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic
Dar sa stii, nu-ti cer nimic.

Vrei sa pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

Vrei sã pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

Te sun, sã-ti spun, ce simt, acum
Alo, iubirea mea sunt eu, fericirea.
Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso
ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic
Dar sã stii, nu-ti cer nimic.

Vrei sã pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

Vrei sã pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

Ma-ia hii
Ma-ia huu
Ma-ia hoo
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha
Ma-ia haha

Vrei sã pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

Vrei sã pleci dar nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Nu-mã, nu-mã iei, nu-mã, nu-mã, nu-mã iei
Chipul tãu si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tãi.

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Jarl then left Vermilion city, continuing on his pointless quest to nowhere in particular. He made two quick stops in Cherrygrove City, then on to New York, Paris, and Midgar, which all neighbored Vermilion because I say so. And also because I've never been to Africa. Jarl then decided to stop at Hyrule, which was just off the 101 freeway connecting Tokyo to Sweden. There, he met this beautiful female Swampert... also named Jarl. Unfortunately for Jarl, Jarl turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. The two of them lived happily ever after inside Girl's stomach.

THE END.

No, this isn't the end. Because I haven't talked about rabid Plusles and how cuddly and rabid they are. And how even now they're plotting world domination. But they must get rid of that which stand in their way - the electric sausages of Mt. Kilamanjaro, who are coincidentally also plotting our demise as we speak. The rabid Plusles and electric sausages stand in each other's way of world domination, each only having one weakness. Or maybe more, who knows. Or maybe none at all. Who cares. I like cheese. Did you know that?

THE END. Yes, really the end.

[Inferno_Dragon]

Okay, this is the weirdest collection of short stories I have ever read. It like how everything that anybody touches or Girl touches turns to cheese and then she eats it. I like how some of the pokemon speak totally nonsense. Also I love this part of the story.

"You are watching Fox!" came the response from Girl.

"I AM WATCHING FOX" Jarl said, hypnotized.

I believe that is from the cult episode of the Simpsons.

Interesting, I am anxious to see more of this.

[Lady Vulpix]

Exquisitely surreal. XD

[Sike Saner]

Whee, Giddy fetish. Never in the history of the Pokémon games has there been a deeper and more inspiring character than Giddy fetish. His words of wisdom, relevant to any situation, are sometimes the only thing that keeps me going in this cold, cruel world fetish. Plus, he's super sexy fetish. I want to have his babies fetish.

And oh, how about that Pokémon Fan Club chairman fetish? Humankind has invented many a creepy character throughout history--it's a refreshing breath of fresh air to see a character like him who's not creepy at all fetish. Nope fetish. Not even creepy in the slightest fetish.

Lol fetish. XPPPP

And "Dragostea din tei" lyrics ftw fetish. XD

No, it was all when Jarl the lonely Swampert decided to wake up from his one story toaster, and say the word fetish at the end of every sentence for the rest of the day.

It's the first appearance of Jarl fetish! Or a Jarl, anyway fetish...

"Good day, Jarl!" a Makuhita with a bottle of rum surgically attached to his forehead said.

Nice image fetish. XD

"Good day to you too fetish!" Jarl replied.

Ah fetish! The first utterance of "fetish" by Jarl fetish!

A green Pikachu walked up to the lonely Swampert. "Fooigbna! Nernatn hammer tiep." it said.

"Sure, you can join me fetish." Jarl replied.

"Cacnacac foob ragitn!" the green Pikachu replied. It then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

That's what it gets for saying "cacnacnac foob ragitn" fetish. XP

Jarl continued on pointlessly.

"Pointlessly" fetish. I love that fetish. XD

A purple Jumpluff with leprosy floated over to him. He just wanted to know where the Chinto region was. But Jarl told him that no such region existed fetish. The Jumpluff then changed into a Mawile, who then fell apart. The Mawile's arm, however, decided to crawl around and follow Jarl on his pointless quest to nowhere. But then it fell apart.

Lol at all the falling apart fetish. XD

Mt. Mountain

Best mountain name EVER fetish. XD

So then Jarl decided to watch Jarl through Girl, who had assumed the properties of the crystal Pez dispenser for some reason.

"For some reason" is the best reason fetish. XP

"Aah, this is boring. What else is on?" Jarl said to himself. He then grabbed his remote control and changed the channel on Girl. He was now watching Fox.

"You are watching Fox!" came the response from Girl.

"I AM WATCHING FOX" Jarl said, hypnotized.

I AM WATCHING FOX FETISH... *____*

"Would you like to hear my story?" Giddy asked. A box containing two options appeared in front of Jarl. He chose "no" and added fetish at the end of it.

It'd be awesome if the games really did allow us to add "fetish" to the end of all our responses and choices fetish.

"Lunatone is so sunny. Don't you agree?" Giddy continued.

Giddy, irresponsible JERK that he is, still doesn't realize that with that statement, he very nearly destroyed the world, and in fact did succeed in destroying the majority of Orre's wild Pokémon population fetish. Now you know the truth behind that fetish.

"Wouldn't it be nice to float away on a cloud of bubbles?" Giddy asked.

"No, it wouldn't fetish." Jarl replied. Giddy then turned into a piece of cheese. No, actually, he didn't, but Jarl wished he did.

Giddy did deserve to turn into a piece of cheese and be subsequently eaten, dammit fetish. XD I mean, wtf, "float away on a cloud of bubbles" fetish? O___o; XD

"That's all, I think. We should chat sometime!" Giddy said to Jarl.

"Oh, no we shouldn't fetish." Jarl replied, pulling out a bazooka from his pocket... oh wait, he doesn't have one. So then he pulled one out of the place which all cartoon characters pull out things they obviously couldn't have been carrying, and blew Giddy to smithereens. The smithereens turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Yay fetish!

So then Jarl grabbed his backup Pez dispenser, then wondered why he hadn't thought of that before. He then noticed that it was an ordinary Pez dispenser, and then he knew why he hadn't thought of that before.

Lol fetish. XD

So then the evil sorcerer decided he would kill all the people named Jarl. Girl said, "oh, no you shouldn't, because that might lead to this story actually having a plot."

"Aah, good point," Jarl replied, and then went on watching Fox anyways.

Aye, we musn't even consider having an actual plot fetish! XP

Jarl then walked on to the neighboring Vermilion City. What's that? Vermilion City is not anywhere near Mauville? Well, screw you. I'll have Jarl walk to neighboring Gateon Port if I feel like it.

XDDDD Such flawless geography fetish. XP

The sky was a refreshing blue and the sea breeze... yada yada yada, descriptions are boring.

Indeed they are fetish. XP

"What's going on fetish?" Jarl said to the levitating Snorlax.

"Oh, the city is having its cheese festival." The Snorlax replied. "Would you like to come?"

"No thanks, I have nowhere to go to fetish." Jarl replied.

...He declined to go with them because he had nowhere to go fetish? XD I love that fetish.

"Nibber te bloop." The Ponyta then spoke to Jarl. "Foop na na na na."

"Jibberten hee fwop fetish!" Jarl then replied.

"Booter ne neefen gispergen." The Ponyta commented.

"Hoor schlepterheff nibble hooden fetish." Jarl responded swiftly.

"No. Nibberkeep." Ponyta replied, offended.

"Keeberesh oochlaten fetish." Jarl said apologetically.

"Nibberesh he feww blotten slammerte hooooooooo." Ponyta scolded.

"Ribby no hatten fetish." Jarl corrected.

"Flipper nich hop." The Ponyta replied, then clootened away with the Machoke on its heepen.

Anyone who wants to learn a new language need only turn to this story fetish. Hopefully the language they want to learn is pure spam fetish. XP

...And "clootening" with someone on your "heepen" sounds so frelling wrong fetish. XD

Heeter no hooper hoffen gleesh. Nein Giblooten Foop eht neirach feww terne. Neht nok footer bob. Bild threeten focklestein 7. Fon Achtensto ere nnob slooten eht. Art rech nof sctook. Tee nee no nuuk. Fleeter fleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. No foop te na ha ha. Chia sho poot. Leeber loober lederhosen. Siecht blacken blooten blot. Foobern te hoop. Serecht no flibbertehoffenhoofengabberhop Nuzleaf Chinchou Articuno. Niblor marklar jello blee tee no fu. Jente nip te hot no. Yo quiero Taco Bell. Logna foloop fleeker ne te ha a oh. Chibber klee fleb no te ble nofoo u glabberhoffen mark. Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Oh, well now the whole story makes perfect sense now, and so does life fetish. XP

Jarl continued on through Vermilion City, stopping at the Pokémon Fan club. Why? Because he felt like it. Okay, so anyways, he walked in. The fan club chairman was sitting at the end of the table. "Hey, would you like to hear about my favorite Rapidash?" he asked Jarl.

"No fetish."

"My favorite Rapidash... so cute... cuddly... hug it when warm... so smart..."

I strongly suspect that the ellipses represent very naughty things that were omitted so that the game could be "E for Everyone" fetish... XP

"Dammit, now I'll never know what he was going to give me fetish." Jarl replied. He then set off on a quest to figure out what the fan club president was going to give him. But then one of the people at the fan club quickly realized that it would lead to this story actually having a plot

And, as we'll recall, a plot = bad fetish. Bad fetish!

"Dude. It was a bike voucher. Don't you remember Red Version?"

"I didn't exist at that time fetish." Jarl replied.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. You're a 3rd generation Pokémon." The fan club guy resigned.

Yeah, you fan club dumbass, he's 3rd-gen fetish. Duhhhhh fetish. >>;

He made two quick stops in Cherrygrove City, then on to New York, Paris, and Midgar, which all neighbored Vermilion because I say so.

...Okay, now I'm not sure whether "for no reason" is the best reason or "because I say so" is the best reason fetish. o_o;

And also because I've never been to Africa.

Actually, forget both of those fetish. THAT is the best reason fetish. XPPPP

Jarl then decided to stop at Hyrule, which was just off the 101 freeway connecting Tokyo to Sweden.

That is very extremely true fetish.

I like cheese. Did you know that?

THE END. Yes, really the end.

Because once you've stated that you like cheese, what else is there to say, really fetish? X3

[PsiUmbreon]

Here is the third of a collection of stories that will be... wait, I already used that one.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 8: Jibacoil*~

Jibacoil! Jibacoil Jibacoil Jibacoil! Man that's fun to say. :3

Anyways, umm... oh yes. Poketown, 1859. A lonely Jibacoil and his Jibacoily friends sat down at the Jibacoily Jibacoil to Jibacoil. Little did Jibacoil know that Jibacoil was a Jibacoil. Because, see, Jibacoil are very Jibacoily and like to Jibacoil. I bet you didn't know that. Anyways, Jibacoil. Jibacoil Jibacoil Jibacoil.

"Jibacoil." Said the Jibacoil.

"Jibacoil." The Jibacoil replied.

"Jibacoil. Jibacoil Jibacoil Jibacoil." added the Jibacoil.

"Jibacoil?" The Jibacoil asked.

"Jibacoil!" The Jibacoil replied.

"Jibacoil? Jibacoil! Jibacooiiiilllllll!" The Jibacoil was offended at the very suggestion of Jibacoil.

"Jibacoil JIBAcoil!" The Jibacoil shot back. It was in a very Jibacoily mood.

"Jibacoil." The Jibacoil replied, narrowing its Jibacoily eyes at the Jibacoil. It prepared to attack with its Jibacoily might.

"Jibacoil!" The Jibacoil was ready to counter with an attack as well. Both Jibacoils lit up in a bluish-white aura. After a few seconds, the phrase "has slept!" appeared in between them somehow. Then nothing happened. That is the magic of Feeve. It's effect is has slept. The Jibacoils returned to the Jibacoil and resumed Jibacoiling.

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Dirty silver buckets.

This is a tale of the dirty silver buckets, the ones who sought them, and the consequences of their desire for dirty silver buckets. It all started when cow crap was electrocuted on a stick by a group of dragoons, who then proceeded to sell smores for a low, low price at Wal-mart. Their punishment came quickly, as Wal-mart was taken over by a group of hostile smore-loving terrorists. But the anger, the hatred, the smores... they were still all there, after exactly 8.3 seconds. And now, it's all happening again. Only this time... it's personal.

All over dirty silver buckets.

That is why there are hostile smore-loving terrorists. That is why there are too many elbows made of cream cheese. That is why Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and why it tasted good. It is all over thirty silver coins dirty silver buckets. And that is why Ho-ho is now about to bury the world in Sacred Cream.

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Mauville City, the year 1953. It was a bright and stormy day. Dirty silver buckets. A watery clown named Jarl was sitting down with a yellow painted statue of Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. Jarl seemed to be handing the statue something. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a... dirty silver bucket, stained with electrified cow crap. The bucket turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Good day to you, sir." Jarl the watery clown replied, ignoring the fact that the dirty silver bucket was now a piece of cheese in Girl's stomach.

"..." The statue sat motionless. Well duh, because it's a statue, and STATUES DON'T MOVE.

"Yes, lovely weather, isn't it?" Jarl continued.

"..."

"That's right. I do like to eat shampoo. How did you know?" Jarl replied.

"..."

"And yes, I do smell like electrified cow dung. Oh dear, I suppose I'd better take a shower."

"..."

"Well, I'll be heading off now. I reckon I shall see you on the morrow... and find some more of those dirty silver buckets. Tally ho!"

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Octember 53, 1980.5. 900 years after the United States fought Turkey in World War 2 over Mars. This was when absolutely nothing happened.

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Dirty silver buckets.

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July 4, 1776. Three hundred years after some guy farted. A lonely house had three hundred cows lining up for dessert, and there was only one thing wrong: their snow cone machine was missing.

All because of the dirty silver buckets.

"Solonn!" "Solonn!" They mooed. But no one answered.

"Solonn?"

"HELP ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" The cows turned to the beach. A group of shiny Steelixes were playing volleyball with a huge chunk of ice. One of them hit the ice a little too hard, and it shattered. Aww, well, so much for their game of beach volleyball with a huge chunk of ice.

The cows were silent, as were the Steelixes. Their beloved chunk of ice was broken...

"No, over here you idiots!" came a cry from the distance. There, a giant half-chicken, half squirrel was teaching algebra, and at the same time using its beak as a flotation device.

"No, not there either." The cows turned directly behind them, and a really, really big icy thing was blocking out the sun. This was Solonn... who the cows were using as a snow cone machine.

"Oh, crap, save me, no, the cows!" Solonn yelled. It turned out he was not yelling at the cows.

He was yelling for the Starbolts to come and save them. But they weren't around, as it was only 1776. It was then that he remembered he was not a piece of cheese, he was a gigantic Glalie, capable of using Sheer Cold on the cows. He was a piece of cheese yesterday. Poor Solonn... but at least Girl didn't find him. Why? Because of the dirty silver buckets.

And so, the Glalie proceeded to use Sheer Cold on the cows. The cows all froze to death. And now, you must realize that this has nothing to do with the story, except for the fact that dirty silver buckets are the cause of this. Everyone blame the dirty silver buckets.

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July 5, 1776. Now, the part that has something to do with the story happens. A banana named Jarl slips on a banana peel, and falls into a bucket. A dirty silver bucket, stained with electrified cow crap. The dirty silver bucket had no extraordinary attributes, other than being the cause of calamity, destruction, and chaos the entire world over. For a long time ago, when the baboons electrocuted the pile of cow crap, smores were scattered all over the land, and the smores all turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

It was then that Jarl the banana learned that the silver buckets had to be returned to the mountain from whence they came. The fires of Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain. This was where the evil sorcerer, Jarl, resided, and made sure no one returned the buckets. Because that would be bad. For him, anyways. And this was also where he watched the world through his crystal Pez dispenser. Watched, and waited. And also watched Fox.

So then, Jarl the banana took the dirty silver bucket and headed to Rivendell the Planetist headquarters Mauville City. There, the council of Jarls would meet, to discuss the dirty silver buckets.

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Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

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September 14, 2008. The Council of Jarls finally decided to meet, after many years of procrastination. There was Jarl, the lonely Swampert, who really wasn't lonely anymore, since he met his wife, Jarl, in Girl's stomach. I'm not telling you how they got out of Girl's stomach. Read the second af;lkjglk;uer chronicles to find that out. What's that? It's not in there either? Well, fine, I'll tell you. They came out the other end. Geez, was that not too hard to figure out for yourself? What, do I have to spell out every single detail for you? Sheesh.

Anywho, the Council of Jarls included the two married Swamperts, both named Jarl, the banana named Jarl, The evil sorcerer named Jarl, who resided on Mt. Mountain (he was there for some reason despite actually being an antagonist to the story), A tire iron named Jarl, a cow named Jarl, a Leperchaun named Jarl, a rabid Plusle named Jarl, a Moon Stone named Jarl, the president of Somalia, Essax the Wobbuffet, and Solonn the Glalie. Oh, and a wedge of Jarlsberg cheese. Yum... cheese.

"Rabblerabblerabblerabble!" the crowd spoke.

SILENCE! This meeting will come to order!" The statue of Ash Ketchum bellowed. What's that, I said that a statue couldn't move? Well, I lied. This one can, apparently.

"We must return all the silver buckets to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain," said Jarl.

"I have three dirty silver buckets right here fetish!" Jarl added. But one of the buckets turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Damn, that keeps happening. It won't be long before Ho-ho buries the world in Sacred Cream!" Jarl exclaimed. He took a small chunk off the wedge of Jarlsberg cheese sitting next to him and ate it. It tasted good.

"We must gather up the buckets! Do we have all of 'em yet?" Jarl roared back.

"Let's see what's on Fox!" The evil sorcerer Jarl replied in a jubilant tone.

Everyone looked at Jarl angrily.

"I believe so." Jarl continued.

"Then it's settled. We set off for Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain on the morrow!" Jarl, the watery clown, replied, despite not being part of the council.

"Go home, Jarl!" the other Jarls chanted.

Jarl walked away with a frown. There's nothing funnier than a sad clown.

"Council dismissed!" The statue bellowed.

Jarl then turned to Jarl, who was facing Jarl. The other Jarls then turned to Jarl. They wanted to discuss Jarl. And so they did. They discussed Jarl, while nibbling at the wedge of Jarlsberg cheese. Jarl then kicked Jarl, who then punched Jarl, who then picked up Jarl and used it to hit Jarl while at the same time watching Jarl watch Fox. Jarl then kicked the president of Somalia, who then kicked Jarl right back. Jarl then threw Jarl at Jarl, hitting Jarl head on in the Jarl spot. Jarl then threw Jarl at Jarl, who threw Jarl at Jarl, who then threw Jarl at Jarl. Jarl then initiated a game of Scrabble with Jarl. Jarl and Jarl joined in. But all they could spell was Jarl. So no one won, and they all quit and began to play a game of Jarl with the wedge of Jarlsberg cheese. Solonn and Essax just watched and yawned as Jarl played Jarl with Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl. Then Jarl happened. Jarl? Jarl. Jarl Jarl Jarl. Jarl.

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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. . . .

Star Wars
Episode III
Revenge of the Sith

War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks
by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku. There
are heroes on both sides. Evil is Everywhere.

In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader,
General Grievous, has swept into the Republic
capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine,
leader of the Galactic Senate.

As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the
besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two
Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue
the captive Chancellor. . . .

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the morning of September 13, 2008, two Swamperts, a banana, a tire iron, an evil sorcerer, a cow, a leperchaun, a rabid Plusle, a Moon Stone, a wedge of Jarlsberg cheese, the president of Somalia, a Wobbuffet, and a Glalie set off from Rivendell the Planetist headquarters Mauville City, en route to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain. However, along the way, they were intercepted by Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages, who were led by the evil sorcerer, Jarl. They were determined to stop the Council of Jarls from returning the dirty silver buckets to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain. Their leader was Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil. The evil, three-eyed Magneton evolution stared at Jarl angrily.

"Begone!" Jarl bellowed to Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil, who was in charge of the Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages.

"Not until you say please!" Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil replied, sticking out its tongue... if it has one.

"Very well. Begone, please!" Jarl responded.

"Sure thing," Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil agreed, then it and its band of Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages stepped aside so that Jarl and his band of Jarls could walk past and continue on their quest to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few minutes later...

"Now wait a minute!" one of the Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages said to Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil. "Weren't we supposed to stop them from reaching Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain?"

"Aah, you're right." Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil responded. "CHAAAARGE!" Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil led his band of Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages as they all ran after the band of assorted Jarls.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long time ago in the faraway galaxy

Star War
The third gathers
The backstroke of the west

The war came! The republic encountered
Two squares fight the vehemence
The improbity fills the world
The space general of the alliance is skillful
Kidnap the D the speaker the conduct
The proper abruption alliance troops tries
ratio prosperous drive with the

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Dirty silver buckets. It was all over dirty silver buckets, that the cow crap was electrocuted. It was all over dirty silver buckets, that Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and it tasted good. It was all over dirty silver buckets that I sent a PM to Eefi-chan and it had a Rapidash smilie in it. It was all over thirty silver coins dirty silver buckets that Ho-ho was going to smother the world in Sacred Cream. And there was nothing anyone could do to stop the creamy goodness from overflowing. Unless the buckets were returned to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain, from whence they came.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"They're following us!" Jarl exclaimed.

"Oh no fetish. What are we gonna do fetish? They are right behind us fetish!" Jarl, the Swampert with a fetish for adding the word fetish to the end of every sentence, spoke. He looked behind them and saw the whole army of Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages ascending the hill below them, still being led by Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil.

"RUN!" Jarl replied.

So the band of Jarls took off very fast along the path to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain, which narrowed considerably, with steep cliffs on both sides. The path snaked up the mountain in a cliché style, ending at the cave where the dirty silver buckets, stained with electrified cow crap, came from. Except that Solonn and Essax bid the band farewell and returned to their respective fics. After all, they weren't named Jarl, and therefore had nothing to do with the Council. And they sure as hell didn't want to be chased by Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages, led by the new leader of the Planetists a Gardevoir the evolved form of Magneton. Because they had common sense, for the most part. I mean, who wants to be chased by Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages when they can perfectly well avoid it all by going back to their own stories?

Oh, and Jarl, the evil sorcerer, decided to watch it all on Fox instead of following the rest of the band. Yeah. Blame the dirty silver buckets for that too just because.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dirty. Silver. Buckets.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The band of Jarls continued up the long, winding path. Unfortunately, the tire iron and the leperchaun fell off the mountain into the cliffs below. And the president of Somalia got eaten by rabid Plusles. Oh, and Jarl had the bright idea of using the Moon Stone to evolve a Clefairy, when instead, he could have attached a Gefilte fish and traded it to someone else to have the Clefairy evolve into Miracorn. Oh well. So the Moon Stone disappeared, since it was used.

A single-file line of Litaria Planetists Orcs electric sausages was still trailing behind. Carbine Elder Destiny Jibacoil made sure of that.

The band of Jarls, which now only consisted of two Swamperts, a banana, and a rabid Plusle, had almost reached it, when all the sudden, all but one of the dirty silver buckets turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Let me see my precioussssssssss..." Gollum Butters Girl hissed. He wanted the last silver bucket all to himself. This was due to the fact that Gengar is half Poison type.

"The one ring bucket must be returned fetish!" Jarl yelled back, and kicked Gollum Butters Girl. Gollum Butters Girl flew back and fell into the deep chasm, never to be seen again. Or so they thought. They continued into the cave near the top of Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain. A fiery pit of lava oozed below it, smoldering and boiling, occasionally spewing gas. Whaaat... the lava had too many beans last night. Anyways, Gollum Butters Girl then leapt up from out of nowhere at Jarl, who was carrying the last dirty silver bucket. The two fought above the edge of the fiery, gassy pit of lava below. The other Jarls were not allowed into the cave atop Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain, partly due to the fact that Raichu is not a Ground type, but mostly because of the dirty silver buckets. And also because it helps the plot be more exciting.

"Musssstt... have... precioussssssssss... Gollum Butters Girl needsessss hissss precioussss ring bucket..." Gollum Butters Girl hissed, struggling with Jarl before finally taking the bucket. Jarl was beaten up on the ground.

"No... fetish..." Jarl groaned as the triumphant Gollum Butters Girl held up the ring bucket over the edge of the lava, his face aglow with orange.

But all of the sudden, Jarl struggled and got up. He crept up to Gollum Butters Girl, and while Gollum Butters Girl was unaware, he shoved Gollum Butters Girl straight into the fiery, flatulent lava below. Gollum Butters Girl clutched the dirty silver bucket stained with electrified cow crap as he fell to his fiery, smelly death, screaming with glee, "my precioussssssssssssssssss!"

And thus, the buckets were all returned to Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain, and a creamy fate had been averted. Gollum Butters Girl was no more, so no more things could mysteriously turn into cheese. Or was he? Only time will tell. But all the dirty silver buckets were returned to the fiery, gassy lava from whence they were forged, most of them in Gollum's Butters' Girl's stomach. And the misdeeds of the baboons zealots chimpanzees dragoons were undone. This was partly because of Gengar being half Poison type. But also because I like cheese. Did you know that?

THE END.

Disclaimer: No, I definately did not take part of the plot of Scrap/Kiyohime's fic, Aeon, and twist it around in a weird fashion. And no, I did not borrow Sike's characters from her fics. No, definately not. Sike would probably kill me if I did. No, I did not briefly mention the Starbolts, the creation of Ledian_X. And no, the rest of the plot was not a parody of Lord of the Rings, and no, the crossed out locations and characters were not from Josh's fic, or mine, or Lord of the Rings, for that matter. And no, I did not take Butters from South Park, especially not because he was Gollum when South Park did their Lord of the Rings spoof. Ok, maybe I did do all that. Happy?

[Sike Saner]

Learn to Count the af;lkjglk;uer Way!

One!

Two!

Eight!

Yaaaaaaay!

8D


Nice bunch of fic references/parodies this time. Still, I'm going to sue you for stealing my characters. Yes. Yes, I am. In fact, everyone else whose fic elements you so shamelessly stole and I are going to have a race to see who can sue the everloving frell out of you first. I will probably lose, which means that I get to kick you.

Yay also for filling up space with part of the United States Constitution, which was highly relevant to the story. Seriously, it was only because you put that there that all the pieces of this story fell into their proper places. Otherwise, the story wouldn't have made any sense. And not making sense is bad. Very bad.

Little did Jibacoil know that Jibacoil was a Jibacoil.

A perfectly understandable oversight.

"Jibacoil!" The Jibacoil replied.

"Jibacoil? Jibacoil! Jibacooiiiilllllll!" The Jibacoil was offended at the very suggestion of Jibacoil.

Well, who wouldn't be?

"Jibacoil!" The Jibacoil was ready to counter with an attack as well. Both Jibacoils lit up in a bluish-white aura. After a few seconds, the phrase "has slept!" appeared in between them somehow. Then nothing happened. That is the magic of Feeve. It's effect is has slept.

FEEEEEEEEEVE! 8D Phantasy Star IV reference = instant win.

The Jibacoils returned to the Jibacoil and resumed Jibacoiling.

Because really, what else is there to do after you've Feeved? Well, actually, one of them wouldn't get to resume Jibacoiling because that particular Jibacoil would have gotten Vol'd by an enemy, a loss that the party of Jibacoil totally deserved for wasting a turn by Feeving.

Oh wait, machine-enemies aren't affacted by Vol. That's right. My bad.

And that is why Ho-ho is now about to bury the world in Sacred Cream.

Lol, Ho-ho's "Sacred Cream" attack still sounds so wrong... XP

"..." The statue sat motionless. Well duh, because it's a statue, and STATUES DON'T MOVE.

...I was actually completely unaware of that fact. o_o Thank you for enlightening me.

"Yes, lovely weather, isn't it?" Jarl continued.

"..."

"That's right. I do like to eat shampoo. How did you know?" Jarl replied.

"..."

"And yes, I do smell like electrified cow dung. Oh dear, I suppose I'd better take a shower."

"..."

"Well, I'll be heading off now. I reckon I shall see you on the morrow... and find some more of those dirty silver buckets. Tally ho!"

That statue's dialogue was downright riveting. *_* I frankly don't know how Jarl managed to pry himself away from that conversation--I know I sure wouldn't be able to do that! o_o;

Octember 53, 1980.5. 900 years after the United States fought Turkey in World War 2 over Mars. This was when absolutely nothing happened.

What's awesome and freaky is that that's technically true. XD

Dirty silver buckets.

Mentioning the dirty silver buckets again was a very smart and considerate move on your part. An entire paragraph stood between that and the previous mention of the buckets--I had completely forgotten about them.

July 4, 1776. Three hundred years after some guy farted.

An event we must never forget, or else we are doomed to repeat it. Actually, that probably won't happen. It's kinda hard to fart when you've been dead for a couple of centuries. Sure, some other guy might fart, but that would of course be a completely unrelated matter and therefore nothing with which we need to concern ourselves.

...Or would it?

o_o

"HELP ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" The cows turned to the beach. A group of shiny Steelixes were playing volleyball with a huge chunk of ice. One of them hit the ice a little too hard, and it shattered. Aww, well, so much for their game of beach volleyball with a huge chunk of ice.

Shiny Steelix are such dumbasses when it comes to volleyball. >> Not like the normal Steelix.

"No, over here you idiots!" came a cry from the distance. There, a giant half-chicken, half squirrel was teaching algebra, and at the same time using its beak as a flotation device.

Only half-chicken, half-squirrels can do that. Half-squirrel, half-chickens can't.

"No, not there either." The cows turned directly behind them, and a really, really big icy thing was blocking out the sun. This was Solonn... who the cows were using as a snow cone machine.

...Dammit, Solonn, get your seven-foot-wide grey ass out from in front of the sun before you condemn the world to a sunless, frigid death. >>;

..."Using as a snow cone machine"... OH GOD. BAD IMAGES. BAAAAAD IMAGES... D8

He was yelling for the Starbolts to come and save them. But they weren't around, as it was only 1776.

Seventeen seventy-s--Dammit, he told me he was in his thirties! >>;

It was then that he remembered he was not a piece of cheese, he was a gigantic Glalie, capable of using Sheer Cold on the cows. He was a piece of cheese yesterday.

And he conveniently forgot to mention the whole "having been cheese" thing, too. >>;

And so, the Glalie proceeded to use Sheer Cold on the cows. The cows all froze to death.

Which they would have done anyway, because his ENORMOUS ASS blocks out the sun. XP

And now, you must realize that this has nothing to do with the story, except for the fact that dirty silver buckets are the cause of this. Everyone blame the dirty silver buckets.

Dirty silver buckets are the cause and reason for everything. Or they aren't. I don't know. Leave me alone; I'm still suffering from bad "snow cone machine" thoughts. D8

A banana named Jarl slips on a banana peel, and falls into a bucket.

A banana... slips on a banana peel... HOLY CRAP, THAT'S COMEDIC GOLD. XD And it'd probably make an awesome metaphor for something, too. Yeah, definitely.

The dirty silver bucket had no extraordinary attributes, other than being the cause of calamity, destruction, and chaos the entire world over.

Yep, a more or less unremarkable bucket indeed.

There was Jarl, the lonely Swampert, who really wasn't lonely anymore, since he met his wife, Jarl, in Girl's stomach. I'm not telling you how they got out of Girl's stomach. Read the second af;lkjglk;uer chronicles to find that out. What's that? It's not in there either? Well, fine, I'll tell you. They came out the other end. Geez, was that not too hard to figure out for yourself? What, do I have to spell out every single detail for you? Sheesh.

Well, you did have to spell that out for me. I have a feeble, feeble mind. ^^;

Oh, and a wedge of Jarlsberg cheese. Yum... cheese.

Ew, Jarlsberg cheese is gross. D:

SILENCE! This meeting will come to order!" The statue of Ash Ketchum bellowed. What's that, I said that a statue couldn't move? Well, I lied. This one can, apparently.

Lying bastard. ;-;

He took a small chunk off the wedge of Jarlsberg cheese sitting next to him and ate it. It tasted good.

NO, IT DIDN'T. >>;

Jarl then initiated a game of Scrabble with Jarl. Jarl and Jarl joined in. But all they could spell was Jarl.

Somehow, I can easily imagine that they even managed to spell "Jarl" with tiles other than "J", "A", "R", "L", and the blank tile. XD

So no one won, and they all quit and began to play a game of Jarl with the wedge of Jarlsberg cheese. Solonn and Essax just watched and yawned as Jarl played Jarl with Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl.

How could they be dozing off while a bunch of Jarls are playing some kind of peculiar sex game with a piece of cheese? O_o

Long time ago in the faraway galaxy

Star War
The third gathers
The backstroke of the west

The war came! The republic encountered
Two squares fight the vehemence
The improbity fills the world
The space general of the alliance is skillful
Kidnap the D the speaker the conduct
The proper abruption alliance troops tries
ratio prosperous drive with the

Two squares may fight the vehemence, but do they win? o.o

Except that Solonn and Essax bid the band farewell and returned to their respective fics.

I'm amazed that they'd want to. X3

Oh, and Jarl had the bright idea of using the Moon Stone to evolve a Clefairy, when instead, he could have attached a Gefilte fish and traded it to someone else to have the Clefairy evolve into Miracorn.

I tried that, and my GBA exploded. T_T You owe me a GBA, you bastard.

This was due to the fact that Gengar is half Poison type.

Everything that isn't because of dirty silver buckets, because you've never been to Africa, or because you said so is because of that fact. The universe really is a very simple place.

A fiery pit of lava oozed below it, smoldering and boiling, occasionally spewing gas. Whaaat... the lava had too many beans last night.

Because every epic scene needs a FART JOKE. XP

The other Jarls were not allowed into the cave atop Mordor Ter'ast Jibacoil High Charity Mt. Mountain, partly due to the fact that Raichu is not a Ground type, but mostly because of the dirty silver buckets. And also because it helps the plot be more exciting.

...Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Things happening for reasons other than Gengar being half Poison-type, you having never been to Africa, or you simply saying so? O_O Madness!

And hissssssssssssssssssssss... Plots are a Bad Thing, remember?

...But, then again, so is continuity. Sorry, I forgot about that. I forget about things all the time. Like the dirty silver... what were they again? Bundt cakes? Bulkheads? Buttcheeks?

But also because I like cheese. Did you know that?

Wow, so things can also happen because you like cheese? o.o I guess the universe isn't really as simple as I'd so foolishly assumed after all...

Sike would probably kill me if I did.

I'm going to kill you anyway for getting the Koogle Blok song stuck in my head. And don't start about how that song was partly my idea. You're still king dead.


P.S.: "Hedgehog" is not a color, you goofball. :p

[PsiUmbreon]

Apologies for neglecting my fic threads here. I pretty much blew my chance of getting a ton of reviews like a lot of other threads around here by waiting too long and stuff. But I have a legitimate excuse... I couldn't tackle the bear! They took my stain. Also brawl.

Anyway, without further ado and with many many bouncing Jibacoils I bring you...

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 400: I like cheese. Did you know that?*~

asdhf; sdhf; sjkhdf jk;asndf; sdjkl fopiuf opsdvn as;d hfasd;lfj askl;d fns;g nsd;jklgh d;kvnad;sjl;asdkj as.,dfasd;fg a;fgyasdo;vgj;gjasdkl;fjsdlaj; fasl;vmasl;fjlasd fjlsdkfsadlkfj asl;dkfjals;vjsv;sdlakfj;lsdkfj ;lsmv; ljvldjljljdfljasdfl;v ;vljldfkajfdlskfjasdfj alkfjsdlfj; asdkfaskfg a;sldfg sdkafj asdl;f asl;dfasl;dkfj asdkflask;fj;sadlkjf;sdl kfj;snmva;skldfja sga[ag sdfm al;skfj aklv;xklvnm,fm;klsdfj k;cnlkcjfkl;asmvlanm;vlkjf;klasd;jf;slf xlmvlsvm,.xcvmzx.,vm/vdl;fgkj;ljiogjlgkroiawjpef kmsnvlmnm;aslkvjalkvmasdl;cvmas;dlkvms;lfmk;sdlfj; laksvm;sj;asdfj;klsdfacvkal;kvasldm av malv alsf mdl js;dfl masdl'c msdl;v ns;dvljas jdf;jvh;skl jagori jeeeeeeee;;; a;f ;kljvkl;ad ;slkgn;adflasdfl;g adfngn a;sl gjsdgj sadl;gj ;klgj ;gj kl;ajl;asdfm l;tj ai gjasdv amsv;l gjasd; gkl...

...ooh lookit that, I typed jagori! jagori! JAGORI!

...JIBACOIL!!!!!11111oneoneoneoneone

*note that no fewer than four (4) Jibacoil smilies were killed here due to the fact that I can only put 10 images in a post. R.I.P. four random Jibacoil smilies. May God Tape have mercy on the monsters who decided that I can't put 104 images of Jibacoil in this post.*moment of silence* and now I solemnly return you to the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles.*
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"JAGORI!"

The cybernetic kittens all chanted. "JAGORI! JAGORI!" This word had been known by the legions of cybernetic kittens for many, many seconds, as I just accidentally typed it in up there a couple of minutes ago. Just like so long ago, when I mashed the keyboard in my LJ interests list and lo and behold, af;lkjglk;uer came up. Let's talk about af;lkjglk;uer. It has the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. Nothing else has both those properties. There is ajfg;lq4328, but that only has zklgaerlt. And let us not forget the various sdfja4s, which all do not have c.,lagshj. Oh, wait, I was supposed to tell you what does have c.,lagshj. Ah, screw it. Let's talk about cheese. I like cheese. Did you know that? Cheese is good. It melts when you microwave it. But it is not good with spandex. Yes, that's unfortunate. But I like cheese. Did you know that?

"JAGORI!"

The leader of the cybernetic kittens was a toaster named Fnarf. The toaster had on a black three-cornered hat with a feather sticking out of it. This feather was named Macaroni. Don't ask me why. You all know that song. Oh, and did I forget to mention that the kittens were all hermaphrodites as well? Well, now you know. Anyways, this diabolical, scheming toaster had plans to take over the world. Yes, fnarf planned on taking over the world by evolving into Missingno. Her plot had nothing to do with the army of cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens who were wearing spandex.

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Harry Potter.

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A lone cow named Jarl was sitting there eating grass and minding his own business. He had nothing to do with the story, except that he was sitting there, eating grass. Oh wait, cows don't sit, they stand. Oh welll, Jarl was sitting.

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"JAGORI! JAGORI!" The cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens all chanted in monotone as they marched through Washington DC, shooting people with their eye lasers as they marched to do Fnarf's bidding. These lasers mildly burned everyone they touched, and soon anyone who stood in the path of the hermaphroditic kittens would need a little bit of aloe vera.

"AAAAAH! IT BURNS... A LITTLE!" The people all chanted in hysteria as they were hit by the eye lasers. It wasn't every day that people were shot by hermaphroditic, cybernetic kittens wearing spandex and shooting lasers out of their noses. That's right, noses. They're called eye lasers not because they come out of your eyes, but because Gengar is half Poison type.

"GIVE ME THE LEGENDARY TURBOGRAFIX16!" Fnarf demanded in a toastery voice.

Soon, the commander of the army came out of the closet. No, he wasn't gay, he literally came out of a closet that was just standing there in the middle of the street.

"I will NEVER give you the legendary TurboGrafix 16... for it is not like any ordinary TurboGrafix16... it contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time."

"Meaning that it's really af;lkjglk;uer!" One of the legions of soldiers added.

"Yes, we know that. Now, hand over the legendary TurboGrafix16 that is really af;lkjglk;uer!" Fnarf demanded.

"Cookies!" one of the cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens randomly shouted.

"Why should we give it to you?" The commander of the army asked.

"Because... if you don't, then you will all suffer mild burns from my army of cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens wearing spandex!"

"We do not negociate with toasters." The commander responded.

"Very well then. Kittens, attack!"

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~~~The af;lkjglk;uer chronicles will be right back, after these messages from your local sponsor.~~~

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Are you tired of forums where you just HAVE to post intelligently? Have you ever just felt like shouting, "I LIKE CHEESE!" in the middle of an intelligent conversation? Are you sick of being banned just because you felt like typing af;hajkl;fgh 34otu 89gje;lg rj;gioaupfguj;svkl mn;slva;ljaljfas avm d;s,vmsklfgj sdkljfmsklvm l;asfj aslfmlf with three Jibacoil smilies after it? Well, there is a place for you.

This place is called the looney bin. So get your crazy butt over there, n00b.

But there's another place for you. A place where they don't poke you with needles or put you in jackets that make you give yourself a hug all the time. A place where the walls aren't all white and fluffy. Where they are made of cheese instead. This place is Boring Arse Forums. And you must all join, or I will kill you. Join BAF, where there are no rules!* The place is http://z4.invisionfree.com/Boring_Ar...ums/index.php?. Add this to your bookmarks, feel free to register. You can become a mod there easily - all you have to do is ask!** Again, the place is Boring Arse Forums, and the address is http://tacos. No, I mean, the address is http://z4.invisionfree.com/Boring_Ar...ums/index.php?

*This claim may be subject to change, or it may just be outright false, and rules do exist on BAF.
**Mods have no actual power on BAF.

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~~~Have you ever wondered why the sky is blue? Well, good for you. Now back to the af;lkjglk;uer chronicles.~~~

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The kittens then marched forward, shooting all the soldiers with their noses. The soldiers were hit by the lasers, and they were burned mildly and required some aloe vera.

"AAAAAHHHH... IT BURNS A LITTLE BIT!" They all shouted.

"No, please don't shoot!" the commander of the army pleaded. We'll give you the legendary TurboGrafix16. At that point, the commander of the army turned into a piece of cheese.

...
...
...
...
...

What, are you expecting Girl to grab the cheese and eat it? Girl is dead, remember? He died in the flatulent fires of Mt. Mountain in the last af;lkjglk;uer chronicles!

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Fnarf seized the legendary TurboGrafix16, which had the properties of both zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. No other TurboGrafix16 had those properties. This was the only one that was really af;lkjglk;uer.

"Yes! NOW I CAN FINALLY PLAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS ON IT!" Fnarf cheered.

"Umm... weren't you going to take over the world?" one of the cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens tapped her on the shoulder.

"Yeah, after Super Mario Brothers."

"Umm... you... can't play Super Mario Brothers on a TurboGrafix16. You need an SNES for that." the kitten then tapped her on the shoulder again.

"What? Well, what can I play on this?"

"Umm... hell if I know. That system sucks," The kitten replied.

"ARGH!" Fnarf threw the legendary TurboGrafix16 that was really af;lkjglk;uer out the window, thus making his efforts all for nothing. The outdated game system exploded as it hit the pavement outside. As it exploded, ketchup began to fall from the sky. This was the power of the legendary TurboGrafix16. It could make ketchup fall from the sky. Impressive.

Rabid Plusles then began to gather outside. They loved the ketchup. So they all ran outside and began lobbing blobs of ketchup at each other and building ketchup men.

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The cow named Jarl continued to sit there, eating grass.

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The sun had set on the dirty, criminal-riddled slums of Murdock. The streets were mostly quiet, with a couple of cars occasionally flying past the dimly lit roads. Nocturnal Pokemon, such as Virat, could be seen pawing through the dumpsters. An atmosphere of fear settled over the town at night. During the day, the streets are fairly crowded. However, at the first sign of sunset, most people scurried home like rabbits.

This was the perfect time for Vyle, a common thief, to prowl the alleys, looking for his next victim. Vyle was short and skinny, and wore a tattered black robe, with a hood on it that covered his face. He crept along the darkest alleys, his robe making him nearly invisible. Vyle wasn’t a person that even wanted to be seen anyway.

Tonight, Vyle was on the hunt, like a hungry lone wolf. Having lived on the streets since childhood, he was an expert on survival. The only way for him to survive, besides pawing through rotting garbage looking for food, was to steal. And Vyle was built for it. Being fairly small and always cloaked in the color of shadows, and having small, nimble fingers, he was a natural thief.

Vyle was growing impatient at not finding any targets. These days, less people dared set out on foot at night. That’s when suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from a sidewalk nearby. Vyle knew the intricate maze of alleys and streets of Murdock by heart. He silently made his way into an alley near the source of the footsteps. An older woman was walking hastily, her high heels clicking against the sidewalk loudly. And she didn’t even appear to be carrying any Pokemon. A perfect target for Vyle. He crouched down low, and then as the lady passed by, he sprung into action. He leapt from the shadows, yanking the small red purse she was carrying right out of her hands. The force of Vyle snatching the purse right from her had caused her to fall right on her back. She screamed, and looked over to where Vyle had come from. But she could only see a cloaked figure darting away, the robe trailing him like the wind.

For the old lady, this will undoubtedly be a traumatic experience. But for Vyle, this was just another day’s work, and the reward was a purseful of cash, and possibly some IDs that he could pawn off on the black market. He made sure to run until he was several blocks away, then in a nearby, dimly lit alley, he began to dig through the woman’s belongings. He tossed random items from the purse onto the street. “Let’s see… make-up, some papers… aah here we go…” he muttered to himself. He pulls out a brown wallet and immediately looks through it. “What?! Where’s the cash? Credit cards? Anything?!” he thought. The only thing he could find in the wallet was a few small coins, a library card, and a picture of that woman with what seemed to be her family. He pocketed the coins, then cast the rest of the stuff onto the street. The picture fell to the ground like a feather, then landed in a puddle of water, smiling faces peering straight into the sky.

For Vyle, this was a huge disappointment. He waited half the night looking for someone, only to find 67 measly Pokecents. Not even close to enough to buy him his next meal, even. Vyle then proceeded home, his home being a large cardboard box in a small, dark corner between two towering, dingy apartment buildings. He sat in the box, atop a couple of old, dirty sheets, remaining very much alert. Vyle dared not sleep until sunrise, for he knew that there were others like him out there prowling, who would take the first chance to prey on a sleeping target. Hours passed, then at the first sign of the sun’s rays, Vyle closed his eyes and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

As daylight appeared, the city sprung to life. Cars filled the streets, and people filled the sidewalks and outdoor cafes. The city teemed with life, for the most part unaware of the events of last night. But in the narrow space where Vyle slept, there was barely a ray of sunshine. No living creature stirred nearby, except for the occasional curious stray Persian or Virat.

Then, as darkness fell, and most had emptied the streets, like clockwork Vyle sprang up. He knew that if he slept much longer, it would be unsafe. He also wanted to get to the convenience store to spend his “earnings.” Vyle very much doubted he would be able to get anything at all with last night’s slim pickings, but he was hungry.

As he neared the store, he opened his robe and took off his hood to reveal a more normal, innocent look. He had on an old flannel shirt and some tattered jeans. His face was unshaven, and had unevenly cut hair and sparkling blue eyes. He walked into the store, and the few people that were in the store didn’t notice him at all. It was near closing time, so the store was nearly deserted. Even the convenience stores in Murdock were locked tight past a certain hour out of fear of being robbed. Vyle shopped around casually, ironically not stealing anything, since he knew that security cameras were everywhere, watching his every move. He was uncomfortable with that thought, so he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He grabbed a small bag of chips, then took out his old water bottle from his side pocket of his robe and fills it up with the water fountain in the back of the store. Vyle knew that water was important to survival, and clean water was hard to find on the streets. He pocketed the full water bottle, then proceeded to the front of the store. The convenience store clerk was a tall and muscular man who looked like he meant business. Vyle placed the bag of chips on the counter, then pulled out every bit of spare change he could muster. “That all?” the clerk said in a gruff, unfriendly voice. Vyle simply nodded. He was lucky that he had exactly enough change to at least buy something for the night. He left the store, then covered up with his robe again.

Vyle returned to the dark labyrinth of the city. He was out of money, and knew he needed to hunt again. He didn’t dare hunt in the same area twice in a row, for he knew the town’s police department could catch him. Though the police department of the city was seemingly nonexistent, Vyle had witnessed a few others being captured before. He knew not to underestimate the predators of his kind.

Two hours passed, and Vyle saw no one. Vyle was growing weary and impatient. Suddenly, the silence of the city was shattered by an ear-piercing scream. Out of curiosity and boredom, Vyle ran towards the source. He pressed against a wall with his back, then peered past the corner of the dark alley. He saw three figures, dressed heavily in white robes. The figures appeared to be surrounding someone else.

“Give us the Pokemon NOW!” one of the figures demanded.

“Your Pokemon is evil. It needs to be purged!” announced the second figure.

“NO! Leave my Eevee alone!” shouted a voice that sounded like a little girl’s.

“Do not stand in our way. The will of Team Judgment is beyond your comprehension, little girl.” The third figure declared.

The figures began to advance on the child, despite her pleas for help. Ear shattering screams could be heard.

Vyle had been watching the incident unfold, silently and attentively. He could not believe what he had seen. For the first time ever, Vyle felt something he had never felt before- pity for the small child.

Instinctively Vyle sprang into action. He knew not what he was doing. With silent footsteps he dashed towards the cloaked men from behind. As hard as he could, he rammed one of the figures, knocking him down. He then punched the second figure directly in the face. His knee then met up with the belly of the third white-cloaked figure. He then grabbed the girl and the Pokemon in his arms, then darted into the shadows, his cloak trailing behind him. “What… do… you… think you’re doing?!” one of the figures shouted, obviously in pain. The men staggered to their feet, then give chase. However, Vyle effortlessly shook the pursuers off in the labyrinth of alleyways.

Vyle headed for the nearest building that he knew would still be open-the Pokemon Center. The girl was silent throughout the short trip, but her Pokemon occasionally cried out, “Vee! Eevee!”

As soon as he arrived at the steps of the Pokemon center, he put the girl down and handed her the Eevee. Police sirens blared in the background. The girl said, in an innocent voice, “Thank you for saving me!” but Vyle had already vanished into the shadows.

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"JAGORI!" the cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens chanted.

"I'm bored..." Fnarf muttered." And it's raining ketchup and I don't feel like going outside.

"Oh, but when it rains ketchup, that's the best time to fish... for Charizards." one of the kittens protested.

"Oh, that's right... I can fish for Charizards now!" Fnarf muttered.

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Fnarf was now on the lake in a boat. Little drops of ketchup were still falling from the sky. He had his Super Rod, which had the mysterious ability to also catch Charizards when it's raining ketchup, or when you've used a Gameshark or Action Replay. She waited a few minutes. Several of the hermaphroditic kittens were also fishing on the lake.

. . . . . . . . ."Oh! A bite!"

Fnarf tugged on the rod as soon as she felt the pull of the rod. Despite being a toaster and having no hands, Fnarf could pull the rod reel well. Pun intended, feel free to shoot me.

. . . . . "Oh!" A bite!"

Fnarf tugged on the rod again.

. . . . . . . . ."Oh!" A bite!"

Fnarf tugged on the rod again, but this time, she was too late.

"It got away..."

"Rats!" Fnarf declared, then cast the line into the water once again.

. . . . . . . . "Oh! A bite!"

"A Pokémon's on the hook!"

Fnarf pulled on the reel, fully expecting a Charizard to be on the other end. But to his dismay, what emerged from the water was not a Charizard. It was George Clooney.

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Wild George Clooney appeared!

"Go, cybernetic hermaphroditic kitten!"

What will cybernetic hermaphroditic kitten do?

FIGHT BAG
EAT CHEESE RUN

Fnarf selected the "Fight" command. Four other options came up on the screen:

EYE LASER SCRATCH
COOKIES!!!!1111oneone PAY DAY

Fnarf selected Pay Day. The kitten then proceeded to throw a candy bar at George Clooney.

George Clooney caught the Pay Day bar. It turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"...was that supposed to happen?" Fnarf asked.

What will cybernetic hermaphroditic kitten do?

FIGHT BAG
EAT CHEESE RUN

Fnarf selected "Fight" once again. The four moves the kitten knew appeared on the screen once again.

EYE LASER SCRATCH
COOKIES!!!!1111oneone PAY DAY

Fnarf selected the eye laser command. The kitten then shot a laser out of his/her nose.

"George Clooney was mildly burned!"

"George Clooney pulled out some aloe vera and rubbed it on the burn. George Clooney recovered from the burn."

"Stupid George Clooney! I wanted a Charizard!" Fnarf yelled in disappointment.

"What will cybernetic hermaphroditic kitten do?"

FIGHT BAG
EAT CHEESE RUN

Fnarf decided to do none of the above, and instead threw George Clooney back into the water. She then decided to fish once again.

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The cow sat there eating grass. Nothing else happened. Then, the cow turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...
...
...
...
...

What? You thought Girl was dead? Well, I resurrected him. Wanna know how? Well, using the fact that I have never been to Africa, I seized control of Uzbekistan, thus creating a monkey. A piece of cheese came out of the monkey's mouth when it belched. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...what, you say that doesn't explain anything? Well, doesn't it?

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"JAGORI! JAGORI!" The cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens shouted. And then there was peace in the Middle East. Fnarf and her army of hermaphroditic kittens returned home carrying a bunch of Charizards that they have caught.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"CHARIZARD ANGLER!"

Announcer: Today we will get tips on fishing for Charizard. Guru, what can you tell us?

Guru: Be patient and wait. That's the bottom line. Do you see Fnarf over there? She's already had 6 Pokémon and one George Clooney get away. But there Fnarf waits. No giving up. That's the law for catching Charizard.

Oh! Fnarf has finally landed an elusive Charizard! Seeing this gives me the itch to go Charizard fishing myself.

Announcer: That's all the time we have for today.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dirty silver buckets.

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No no no no no no no no. THE END *Gratuitous Jibacoil smilies edited out because I'm only allowed 10 images in my post, dammit... why can't I spam jiggling Jibacoils all over the place? This violates my constitutional right to... uhh... spam jiggling Jibacoils all over the place! Either way, the original, which was written way, way back when D/P was not even out in Japan, contained no fewer than 85 Jibacoil smilies here, and I'm sure they would have been a lot better here than this boring, plain old text complaining about this fact inside asterisks that are supposed to depict actions and not contain random complaints. So now I return you to the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles... oh wait, they're over. Damn. Guess the three of you that care will have to wait another indeterminate amount of time before I post another update. Indeterminate meaning I don't know when I'll remember between the schoolwork, the Brawl, and the tackling of the bear. Dammit, they took my stain. *
JIBACOIL!!!!!11111oneoneoneeleven

[Sike Saner]

Bouncing Jibacoil smilies--a powerful and awesome visual element, indeed. *_* When my humble existence comes to an end, I can die happy because you bothered to include them.

*long moment of silence for the Jibacoil smilies who did not survive the journey to this board*

Oh, and your other fic thread is going to come over and kick this one's ass for stealing from it.

asdhf; sdhf; sjkhdf jk;asndf; sdjkl fopiuf opsdvn as;d hfasd;lfj askl;d fns;g nsd;jklgh d;kvnad;sjl;asdkj as.,dfasd;fg a;fgyasdo;vgj;gjasdkl;fjsdlaj; fasl;vmasl;fjlasd fjlsdkfsadlkfj asl;dkfjals;vjsv;sdlakfj;lsdkfj ;lsmv; ljvldjljljdfljasdfl;v ;vljldfkajfdlskfjasdfj alkfjsdlfj; asdkfaskfg a;sldfg sdkafj asdl;f asl;dfasl;dkfj asdkflask;fj;sadlkjf;sdl kfj;snmva;skldfja sga[ag sdfm al;skfj aklv;xklvnm,fm;klsdfj k;cnlkcjfkl;asmvlanm;vlkjf;klasd;jf;slf xlmvlsvm,.xcvmzx.,vm/vdl;fgkj;ljiogjlgkroiawjpef kmsnvlmnm;aslkvjalkvmasdl;cvmas;dlkvms;lfmk;sdlfj; laksvm;sj;asdfj;klsdfacvkal;kvasldm av malv alsf mdl js;dfl masdl'c msdl;v ns;dvljas jdf;jvh;skl jagori jeeeeeeee;;; a;f ;kljvkl;ad ;slkgn;adflasdfl;g adfngn a;sl gjsdgj sadl;gj ;klgj ;gj kl;ajl;asdfm l;tj ai gjasdv amsv;l gjasd; gkl...

...ooh lookit that, I typed jagori! jagori! JAGORI!

You also typed "fopiuf".

The cybernetic kittens all chanted. "JAGORI! JAGORI!" This word had been known by the legions of cybernetic kittens for many, many seconds, as I just accidentally typed it in up there a couple of minutes ago.

XD

And to think, even after such a vast span of time, they have kept the tradition of chanting "JAGORI!" alive. It's truly amazing.

Cheese is good. It melts when you microwave it. But it is not good with spandex.

It can be. You just have to make sure to only use organically-grown spandex of the purple variety (if it's any other color, it's not ripe yet), and to only keep it on the fire for four minutes and five minutes.

The leader of the cybernetic kittens was a toaster named Fnarf. The toaster had on a black three-cornered hat with a feather sticking out of it. This feather was named Macaroni. Don't ask me why. You all know that song.

Oh, thanks for clearing that up. I'd long wondered if the feather was called Macaroni or if it was the hat that was called Macaroni. I'd just figured that the subject was too complicated for me to understand and would always beat the everloving frell out of no fewer than seventy-nine random people out of sheer, overwhelming frustration whenever the whole "feather or hat" question came up--but now I understand the subject just fine! Thanks. ^^

Harry Potter.

Is that so.

A lone cow named Jarl was sitting there eating grass and minding his own business. He had nothing to do with the story, except that he was sitting there, eating grass. Oh wait, cows don't sit, they stand. Oh welll, Jarl was sitting.

Thank you for that relevant, fascinating, and relevant glimpse into the life of a cow. Did I mention that it was relevant?

"JAGORI! JAGORI!" The cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens all chanted in monotone as they marched through Washington DC, shooting people with their eye lasers as they marched to do Fnarf's bidding. These lasers mildly burned everyone they touched, and soon anyone who stood in the path of the hermaphroditic kittens would need a little bit of aloe vera.

"AAAAAH! IT BURNS... A LITTLE!" The people all chanted in hysteria as they were hit by the eye lasers.

XD Wow, sounds like they were put through some truly horrific agony.

It wasn't every day that people were shot by hermaphroditic, cybernetic kittens wearing spandex and shooting lasers out of their noses. That's right, noses. They're called eye lasers not because they come out of your eyes, but because Gengar is half Poison type.

*"The More You Know" theme plays*

"GIVE ME THE LEGENDARY TURBOGRAFIX16!" Fnarf demanded in a toastery voice.

*gasp* ONE MUSTN'T DEMAND THE LEGENDARY TURBOGRAFIX16! Especially not in a TOASTERY VOICE!

"Cookies!" one of the cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens randomly shouted.

Let us applaud that kitten for making such a valuable contribution to that discussion.

Again, the place is Boring Arse Forums, and the address is http://tacos.

I wish that were its address. ;-; That address is far more worthy of being the address of BAF.

The kittens then marched forward, shooting all the soldiers with their noses. The soldiers were hit by the lasers, and they were burned mildly and required some aloe vera.

"AAAAAHHHH... IT BURNS A LITTLE BIT!" They all shouted.

Holy crap... imagine if there'd been no aloe vera handy.

o.o

Now, that is a truly terrifying thought.

"No, please don't shoot!" the commander of the army pleaded. We'll give you the legendary TurboGrafix16. At that point, the commander of the army turned into a piece of cheese.

...
...
...
...
...

What, are you expecting Girl to grab the cheese and eat it? Girl is dead, remember? He died in the flatulent fires of Mt. Mountain in the last af;lkjglk;uer chronicles!

Oh, fie on continuity! XP

Fnarf threw the legendary TurboGrafix16 that was really af;lkjglk;uer out the window, thus making his efforts all for nothing. The outdated game system exploded as it hit the pavement outside. As it exploded, ketchup began to fall from the sky. This was the power of the legendary TurboGrafix16. It could make ketchup fall from the sky. Impressive.

Impressive, indeed! Who cares if it can't play Super Mario Brothers--it can summon ketchup rain! *_*

The cow named Jarl continued to sit there, eating grass.

*was utterly captivated by that passage*

"JAGORI!" the cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens chanted.

"I'm bored..." Fnarf muttered." And it's raining ketchup and I don't feel like going outside.

"Oh, but when it rains ketchup, that's the best time to fish... for Charizards." one of the kittens protested.

Like I said, the TurboGrafix16 is truly a thing of awesome wonder. ^^ Or the one that's actually af;lkjglk;uer is, anyway.

Despite being a toaster and having no hands, Fnarf could pull the rod reel well. Pun intended, feel free to shoot me.

*shoots you*

*misses*

Aw dammit, why did I choose to shoot at you with the weapon that only gives me one shot and takes the longest to reload out of all my weapons? u_u;;;

"A Pokémon's on the hook!"

Fnarf pulled on the reel, fully expecting a Charizard to be on the other end. But to his dismay, what emerged from the water was not a Charizard. It was George Clooney.

Pfft, I catch those things all the time. XP

Fnarf selected Pay Day. The kitten then proceeded to throw a candy bar at George Clooney.

This is actually how Pay Day works whenever any creature uses it. I have no frickin' clue where the money comes from. O_o;

George Clooney caught the Pay Day bar. It turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

YAY! *dances around continuity's corpse*

Fnarf selected the eye laser command. The kitten then shot a laser out of his/her nose.

"George Clooney was mildly burned!"

"George Clooney pulled out some aloe vera and rubbed it on the burn. George Clooney recovered from the burn."

Wild George Clooney always carry the Aloe Vera hold item.

The cow sat there eating grass. Nothing else happened. Then, the cow turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...
...
...
...
...

What? You thought Girl was dead? Well, I resurrected him. Wanna know how? Well, using the fact that I have never been to Africa, I seized control of Uzbekistan, thus creating a monkey. A piece of cheese came out of the monkey's mouth when it belched. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...what, you say that doesn't explain anything? Well, doesn't it?

No, that totally explains everything; it really does. That particular resurrection method does have a 100% success rate, after all.

"CHARIZARD ANGLER!"

Announcer: Today we will get tips on fishing for Charizard. Guru, what can you tell us?

Guru: Be patient and wait. That's the bottom line. Do you see Fnarf over there? She's already had 6 Pokémon and one George Clooney get away. But there Fnarf waits. No giving up. That's the law for catching Charizard.

Oh! Fnarf has finally landed an elusive Charizard! Seeing this gives me the itch to go Charizard fishing myself.

Announcer: That's all the time we have for today.

XD

Hopefully that showcase will be of great help unto all those out there who want to be great Charizard anglers.

Dirty silver buckets.

Indeed.

Oh, and I got your stain back from that damn bear.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

*finally finishes reloading weapon*

*shoots*

*misses*

...DAMMIT!!! T^T

[Crystalmaster Mike]

PsiUmbreon, I'd like you to meet Chef Brian. Brian, Psi.

Now, the cheesy flavour of these chronicles really make my butt look fat in this dress. And I must say the aloe vera tastes like chicken if you pour chocalate nuts on them, and then make them sudder in the hot Australian moon light for 5 seconds.
But I would suggest a meeting between Jarl and Jibacoil, because Jarl and Fnarf may be up to know guth, I mean no good.

... Cheese cars. On bipolar pogo sticks.

[PsiUmbreon]

Come out of the closet. lol

Actually you got that wrong, the aloe vera tastes like banana if you pour chocolate nuts on them.

Next update coming soon-ish.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

Actually you got that wrong, the aloe vera tastes like banana if you pour chocolate nuts on them.

Not on Tuesdays!

[PsiUmbreon]

Not on Tuesdays!

Except when Tuesday falls on the 25th!

[PsiUmbreon]

Prepare yourself for an af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles so big, so jam-packed with randomness and Bible verses that it cannot be held in a single post! Also, pamtre berry.

*~The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 3: Not enough minerals.~*

Bwehr bear was a bwehry bwehry bear. It tasted like berries. Including Halle Berry, Barry White, and even Oran Berries. So Bwehr bear and his bwehry friends decided to say bwehr and eat berries while eating bear claws on the bare floor and listening to Barry White. It was a very good bear, this bwehr bear. He could only say bwehr, but he sure could say bwehr. Bwehr. Bwehr bwehr bwehr. I couldn't tackle the bwehr. They took my stain.

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JIBACOIL!!!1111oneoneoneoneoneone
No fewer than 80 Jibacoil smilies once lived here. But as you know only 10 images are allowed in a post, which severely limits my spamming capabilities. CURSE YOU, TPM! CURSE YOU AND YOUR INTOLERANCE OF SPAM!

*moment of silence*

R.I.P. random pointless Jibacoil smilies.

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Fnarf the giant talking toaster woke up from inside its even bigger toaster, which could only make pop tarts and nothing else. Unfortunately, it was not raining ketchup any more, so Fnarf could not go out fishing for Charizards. Last time, she only caught a George Clooney and three socks. So, Fnarf decided to go with the store-bought Charizards instead. She walked... or however toasters move... wait, what's that they don't? Well, Fnarf can walk, dammit. So Fnarf walked to the store. She found lots of Charizards there, but they were customers and not products, unfortunately.

The evil sorcerer Jarl was there as well. He was also looking for Charizards. But he couldn't see the Charizards. Yes, Jarl had fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma, which meant that Jarl was unable to see Charizards because he hadn't been to Africa yet. This was too bad for him, because he didn't even know he had fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma. So, Jarl asked every dealer at the store whether or not they had Charizards. He got seventeen "no" responses, one response of "cookies", and -3 of them told him to go to Green Hill zone.

Funny story about Green Hill zone. I like cheese. Did you know that? Anyway, that had nothing to do with the story. Umm... what was my story again? Oh, right, I was going to tell you about Emerald Hill zone. Did you know that there are no monkeys there? Err... except the ones that throw coconuts at you. But those don't count. Unless of course they do.

So anyways, to go to Green Hill zone like those -3 dealers told him, he had to first build a magic school bus. But when he tried to do that, a voice from nowhere went:

*bzzt* Not enough minerals.

"ARGH! Jarl yelled out. "WHY MUST THIS BE SO? ANSWER MY QUESTION"

Another voice, this one more garbled and monstery, replied, "Spawn more Overlords."

"But I don't have enough minerals to do that!"

Yet another voice replied, "You must construct additional Pylons."

So Jarl went and mined more minerals, spawned more overlords, and constructed additional Pylons. Then, a green cow seized control of Uzbekistan. This made monkeys turn green for some reason. This has nothing to do with the story. Jibacoil. Yellow monkeys. Monkeys.

The first voice then said, "Additional Supply Depots required." So Jarl went and built a bunch of those.

"Insufficient Vespene Gas," The voice went again.

ARGH! FORGET YOU!

*bzzt* not enough minerals.

SHUT THE HELL UP!

"we require more Vespene Gas."

"Oh yeah?" So Jarl went and gathered some Vespene Gas.

"fjas;lkdfjafgjkaejkrrrrrrrrr" Jarl then said. "fha;gha kmgds."

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Harry Potter.

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Jarl went to Green Hill zone. A cow greeted him. Wait, Green Hill zone doesn't have cows. Oh well. One greeted him. Jarl then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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Bwehr bear and his three beary good friends went to Green Hill zone next. Little did they know that they didn't have enough minerals to get there, and so ended up in Apple zone. What is in apple zone, might you ask? Well, apple zone contains cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. And an apple tree, but the tree grows additional Pylons instead of apples. So why do they call it Apple zone? It's because they don't have enough minerals. Did you know that?

So Bwehr bear didn't say hi to the cheese. This made Saddam Hussein unhappy. Also, monkeys everywhere turned into television sets that could only display what was on channel 63. A molecule of Lithium Dibromide watched channel 63. Jarl jumped out of the television set. Because having fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma meant that whenever he turned into a piece of cheese, and Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and it tasted good, Jarl would reincarnate out of any television set that displayed channel 63, even if he didn't have enough minerals. Only he now had to eat celery to stay alive. Radioactive squirrels everywhere turned to channel 63 and then turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Only a non-radioactive kind of squirrel could set Jarl free. But Jarl wasn't trapped, so this did not matter. What mattered was that he was now in Green Hill zone. Unfortunately, he took too long and died, so he had to start from the lamppost he touched earlier. This made Saddam Hussein very unhappy, but he didn't have enough minerals to build any weapons of mass destruction. So instead he built a hamburger stand and began selling chinese food there. fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma.

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1:1 Adam, Sheth, Enosh,
1:2 Kenan, Mahalaleel, Jered,
1:3 Henoch, Methuselah, Lamech,
1:4 Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
1:5 The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.
1:6 And the sons of Gomer; Ashchenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.
1:7 And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.
1:8 The sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, Put, and Canaan.
1:9 And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabta, and Raamah, and Sabtecha. And the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.
1:10 And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be mighty upon the earth.
1:11 And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,
1:12 And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (of whom came the Philistines,) and Caphthorim.
1:13 And Canaan begat Zidon his firstborn, and Heth,
1:14 The Jebusite also, and the Amorite, and the Girgashite,
1:15 And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,
1:16 And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite.
1:17 The sons of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram, and Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Meshech.
1:18 And Arphaxad begat Shelah, and Shelah begat Eber.
1:19 And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of the one was Peleg; because in his days the earth was divided: and his brother's name was Joktan.
1:20 And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah,
1:21 Hadoram also, and Uzal, and Diklah,
1:22 And Ebal, and Abimael, and Sheba,
1:23 And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab. All these were the sons of Joktan.
1:24 Shem, Arphaxad, Shelah,
1:25 Eber, Peleg, Reu,
1:26 Serug, Nahor, Terah,
1:27 Abram; the same is Abraham.
1:28 The sons of Abraham; Isaac, and Ishmael.
1:29 These are their generations: The firstborn of Ishmael, Nebaioth; then Kedar, and Adbeel, and Mibsam,
1:30 Mishma, and Dumah, Massa, Hadad, and Tema,
1:31 Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah. These are the sons of Ishmael.
1:32 Now the sons of Keturah, Abraham's concubine: she bare Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah. And the sons of Jokshan; Sheba, and Dedan.
1:33 And the sons of Midian; Ephah, and Epher, and Henoch, and Abida, and Eldaah. All these are the sons of Keturah.
1:34 And Abraham begat Isaac. The sons of Isaac; Esau and Israel.
1:35 The sons of Esau; Eliphaz, Reuel, and Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah.
1:36 The sons of Eliphaz; Teman, and Omar, Zephi, and Gatam, Kenaz, and Timna, and Amalek.
1:37 The sons of Reuel; Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah.
1:38 And the sons of Seir; Lotan, and Shobal, and Zibeon, and Anah, and Dishon, and Ezar, and Dishan.
1:39 And the sons of Lotan; Hori, and Homam: and Timna was Lotan's sister.
1:40 The sons of Shobal; Alian, and Manahath, and Ebal, Shephi, and Onam. and the sons of Zibeon; Aiah, and Anah.
1:41 The sons of Anah; Dishon. And the sons of Dishon; Amram, and Eshban, and Ithran, and Cheran.
1:42 The sons of Ezer; Bilhan, and Zavan, and Jakan. The sons of Dishan; Uz, and Aran.
1:43 Now these are the kings that reigned in the land of Edom before any king reigned over the children of Israel; Bela the son of Beor: and the name of his city was Dinhabah.
1:44 And when Bela was dead, Jobab the son of Zerah of Bozrah reigned in his stead.
1:45 And when Jobab was dead, Husham of the land of the Temanites reigned in his stead.
1:46 And when Husham was dead, Hadad the son of Bedad, which smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Avith.
1:47 And when Hadad was dead, Samlah of Masrekah reigned in his stead.
1:48 And when Samlah was dead, Shaul of Rehoboth by the river reigned in his stead.
1:49 And when Shaul was dead, Baalhanan the son of Achbor reigned in his stead.
1:50 And when Baalhanan was dead, Hadad reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Pai; and his wife's name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, the daughter of Mezahab.
1:51 Hadad died also. And the dukes of Edom were; duke Timnah, duke Aliah, duke Jetheth,
1:52 Duke Aholibamah, duke Elah, duke Pinon,
1:53 Duke Kenaz, duke Teman, duke Mibzar,
1:54 Duke Magdiel, duke Iram. These are the dukes of Edom.

2:1 These are the sons of Israel; Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun,
2:2 Dan, Joseph, and Benjamin, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher.
2:3 The sons of Judah; Er, and Onan, and Shelah: which three were born unto him of the daughter of Shua the Canaanitess. And Er, the firstborn of Judah, was evil in the sight of the LORD; and he slew him.
2:4 And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez and Zerah. All the sons of Judah were five.
2:5 The sons of Pharez; Hezron, and Hamul.
2:6 And the sons of Zerah; Zimri, and Ethan, and Heman, and Calcol, and Dara: five of them in all.
2:7 And the sons of Carmi; Achar, the troubler of Israel, who transgressed in the thing accursed.
2:8 And the sons of Ethan; Azariah.
2:9 The sons also of Hezron, that were born unto him; Jerahmeel, and Ram, and Chelubai.
2:10 And Ram begat Amminadab; and Amminadab begat Nahshon, prince of the children of Judah;
2:11 And Nahshon begat Salma, and Salma begat Boaz,
2:12 And Boaz begat Obed, and Obed begat Jesse,
2:13 And Jesse begat his firstborn Eliab, and Abinadab the second, and Shimma the third,
2:14 Nethaneel the fourth, Raddai the fifth,
2:15 Ozem the sixth, David the seventh:
2:16 Whose sisters were Zeruiah, and Abigail. And the sons of Zeruiah; Abishai, and Joab, and Asahel, three.
2:17 And Abigail bare Amasa: and the father of Amasa was Jether the Ishmeelite.
2:18 And Caleb the son of Hezron begat children of Azubah his wife, and of Jerioth: her sons are these; Jesher, and Shobab, and Ardon.
2:19 And when Azubah was dead, Caleb took unto him Ephrath, which bare him Hur.
2:20 And Hur begat Uri, and Uri begat Bezaleel.
2:21 And afterward Hezron went in to the daughter of Machir the father of Gilead, whom he married when he was threescore years old; and she bare him Segub.
2:22 And Segub begat Jair, who had three and twenty cities in the land of Gilead.
2:23 And he took Geshur, and Aram, with the towns of Jair, from them, with Kenath, and the towns thereof, even threescore cities. All these belonged to the sons of Machir the father of Gilead.
2:24 And after that Hezron was dead in Calebephratah, then Abiah Hezron's wife bare him Ashur the father of Tekoa.
2:25 And the sons of Jerahmeel the firstborn of Hezron were, Ram the firstborn, and Bunah, and Oren, and Ozem, and Ahijah.
2:26 Jerahmeel had also another wife, whose name was Atarah; she was the mother of Onam.
2:27 And the sons of Ram the firstborn of Jerahmeel were, Maaz, and Jamin, and Eker.
2:28 And the sons of Onam were, Shammai, and Jada. And the sons of Shammai; Nadab and Abishur.
2:29 And the name of the wife of Abishur was Abihail, and she bare him Ahban, and Molid.
2:30 And the sons of Nadab; Seled, and Appaim: but Seled died without children.
2:31 And the sons of Appaim; Ishi. And the sons of Ishi; Sheshan. And the children of Sheshan; Ahlai.
2:32 And the sons of Jada the brother of Shammai; Jether, and Jonathan: and Jether died without children.
2:33 And the sons of Jonathan; Peleth, and Zaza. These were the sons of Jerahmeel.
2:34 Now Sheshan had no sons, but daughters. And Sheshan had a servant, an Egyptian, whose name was Jarha.
2:35 And Sheshan gave his daughter to Jarha his servant to wife; and she bare him Attai.
2:36 And Attai begat Nathan, and Nathan begat Zabad,
2:37 And Zabad begat Ephlal, and Ephlal begat Obed,
2:38 And Obed begat Jehu, and Jehu begat Azariah,
2:39 And Azariah begat Helez, and Helez begat Eleasah,
2:40 And Eleasah begat Sisamai, and Sisamai begat Shallum,
2:41 And Shallum begat Jekamiah, and Jekamiah begat Elishama.
2:42 Now the sons of Caleb the brother of Jerahmeel were, Mesha his firstborn, which was the father of Ziph; and the sons of Mareshah the father of Hebron.
2:43 And the sons of Hebron; Korah, and Tappuah, and Rekem, and Shema.
2:44 And Shema begat Raham, the father of Jorkoam: and Rekem begat Shammai.
2:45 And the son of Shammai was Maon: and Maon was the father of Bethzur.
2:46 And Ephah, Caleb's concubine, bare Haran, and Moza, and Gazez: and Haran begat Gazez.
2:47 And the sons of Jahdai; Regem, and Jotham, and Gesham, and Pelet, and Ephah, and Shaaph.
2:48 Maachah, Caleb's concubine, bare Sheber, and Tirhanah.
2:49 She bare also Shaaph the father of Madmannah, Sheva the father of Machbenah, and the father of Gibea: and the daughter of Caleb was Achsa.
2:50 These were the sons of Caleb the son of Hur, the firstborn of Ephratah; Shobal the father of Kirjathjearim.
2:51 Salma the father of Bethlehem, Hareph the father of Bethgader.
2:52 And Shobal the father of Kirjathjearim had sons; Haroeh, and half of the Manahethites.
2:53 And the families of Kirjathjearim; the Ithrites, and the Puhites, and the Shumathites, and the Mishraites; of them came the Zareathites, and the Eshtaulites,
2:54 The sons of Salma; Bethlehem, and the Netophathites, Ataroth, the house of Joab, and half of the Manahethites, the Zorites.
2:55 And the families of the scribes which dwelt at Jabez; the Tirathites, the Shimeathites, and Suchathites. These are the Kenites that came of Hemath, the father of the house of Rechab.

3:1 Now these were the sons of David, which were born unto him in Hebron; the firstborn Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; the second Daniel, of Abigail the Carmelitess:
3:2 The third, Absalom the son of Maachah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur: the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith:
3:3 The fifth, Shephatiah of Abital: the sixth, Ithream by Eglah his wife.
3:4 These six were born unto him in Hebron; and there he reigned seven years and six months: and in Jerusalem he reigned thirty and three years.
3:5 And these were born unto him in Jerusalem; Shimea, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, four, of Bathshua the daughter of Ammiel:
3:6 Ibhar also, and Elishama, and Eliphelet,
3:7 And Nogah, and Nepheg, and Japhia,
3:8 And Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphelet, nine.
3:9 These were all the sons of David, beside the sons of the concubines, and Tamar their sister.
3:10 And Solomon's son was Rehoboam, Abia his son, Asa his son, Jehoshaphat his son,
3:11 Joram his son, Ahaziah his son, Joash his son,
3:12 Amaziah his son, Azariah his son, Jotham his son,
3:13 Ahaz his son, Hezekiah his son, Manasseh his son,
3:14 Amon his son, Josiah his son.
3:15 And the sons of Josiah were, the firstborn Johanan, the second Jehoiakim, the third Zedekiah, the fourth Shallum.
3:16 And the sons of Jehoiakim: Jeconiah his son, Zedekiah his son.
3:17 And the sons of Jeconiah; Assir, Salathiel his son,
3:18 Malchiram also, and Pedaiah, and Shenazar, Jecamiah, Hoshama, and Nedabiah.
3:19 And the sons of Pedaiah were, Zerubbabel, and Shimei: and the sons of Zerubbabel; Meshullam, and Hananiah, and Shelomith their sister:
3:20 And Hashubah, and Ohel, and Berechiah, and Hasadiah, Jushabhesed, five.
3:21 And the sons of Hananiah; Pelatiah, and Jesaiah: the sons of Rephaiah, the sons of Arnan, the sons of Obadiah, the sons of Shechaniah.
3:22 And the sons of Shechaniah; Shemaiah: and the sons of Shemaiah; Hattush, and Igeal, and Bariah, and Neariah, and Shaphat, six.
3:23 And the sons of Neariah; Elioenai, and Hezekiah, and Azrikam, three.
3:24 And the sons of Elioenai were, Hodaiah, and Eliashib, and Pelaiah, and Akkub, and Johanan, and Dalaiah, and Anani, seven.

4:1 The sons of Judah; Pharez, Hezron, and Carmi, and Hur, and Shobal.
4:2 And Reaiah the son of Shobal begat Jahath; and Jahath begat Ahumai, and Lahad. These are the families of the Zorathites.
4:3 And these were of the father of Etam; Jezreel, and Ishma, and Idbash: and the name of their sister was Hazelelponi:
4:4 And Penuel the father of Gedor, and Ezer the father of Hushah. These are the sons of Hur, the firstborn of Ephratah, the father of Bethlehem.
4:5 And Ashur the father of Tekoa had two wives, Helah and Naarah.
4:6 And Naarah bare him Ahuzam, and Hepher, and Temeni, and Haahashtari. These were the sons of Naarah.
4:7 And the sons of Helah were, Zereth, and Jezoar, and Ethnan.
4:8 And Coz begat Anub, and Zobebah, and the families of Aharhel the son of Harum.
4:9 And Jabez was more honourable than his brethren: and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, Because I bare him with sorrow.
4:10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me! And God granted him that which he requested.
4:11 And Chelub the brother of Shuah begat Mehir, which was the father of Eshton.
4:12 And Eshton begat Bethrapha, and Paseah, and Tehinnah the father of Irnahash. These are the men of Rechah.
4:13 And the sons of Kenaz; Othniel, and Seraiah: and the sons of Othniel; Hathath.
4:14 And Meonothai begat Ophrah: and Seraiah begat Joab, the father of the valley of Charashim; for they were craftsmen.
4:15 And the sons of Caleb the son of Jephunneh; Iru, Elah, and Naam: and the sons of Elah, even Kenaz.
4:16 And the sons of Jehaleleel; Ziph, and Ziphah, Tiria, and Asareel.
4:17 And the sons of Ezra were, Jether, and Mered, and Epher, and Jalon: and she bare Miriam, and Shammai, and Ishbah the father of Eshtemoa.
4:18 And his wife Jehudijah bare Jered the father of Gedor, and Heber the father of Socho, and Jekuthiel the father of Zanoah. And these are the sons of Bithiah the daughter of Pharaoh, which Mered took.
4:19 And the sons of his wife Hodiah the sister of Naham, the father of Keilah the Garmite, and Eshtemoa the Maachathite.
4:20 And the sons of Shimon were, Amnon, and Rinnah, Benhanan, and Tilon. And the sons of Ishi were, Zoheth, and Benzoheth.
4:21 The sons of Shelah the son of Judah were, Er the father of Lecah, and Laadah the father of Mareshah, and the families of the house of them that wrought fine linen, of the house of Ashbea,
4:22 And Jokim, and the men of Chozeba, and Joash, and Saraph, who had the dominion in Moab, and Jashubilehem. And these are ancient things.
4:23 These were the potters, and those that dwelt among plants and hedges: there they dwelt with the king for his work.
4:24 The sons of Simeon were, Nemuel, and Jamin, Jarib, Zerah, and Shaul:
4:25 Shallum his son, Mibsam his son, Mishma his son.
4:26 And the sons of Mishma; Hamuel his son, Zacchur his son, Shimei his son.
4:27 And Shimei had sixteen sons and six daughters: but his brethren had not many children, neither did all their family multiply, like to the children of Judah.
4:28 And they dwelt at Beersheba, and Moladah, and Hazarshual,
4:29 And at Bilhah, and at Ezem, and at Tolad,
4:30 And at Bethuel, and at Hormah, and at Ziklag,
4:31 And at Bethmarcaboth, and Hazarsusim, and at Bethbirei, and at Shaaraim. These were their cities unto the reign of David.
4:32 And their villages were, Etam, and Ain, Rimmon, and Tochen, and Ashan, five cities:
4:33 And all their villages that were round about the same cities, unto Baal. These were their habitations, and their genealogy.
4:34 And Meshobab, and Jamlech, and Joshah, the son of Amaziah,
4:35 And Joel, and Jehu the son of Josibiah, the son of Seraiah, the son of Asiel,
4:36 And Elioenai, and Jaakobah, and Jeshohaiah, and Asaiah, and Adiel, and Jesimiel, and Benaiah,
4:37 And Ziza the son of Shiphi, the son of Allon, the son of Jedaiah, the son of Shimri, the son of Shemaiah;
4:38 These mentioned by their names were princes in their families: and the house of their fathers increased greatly.
4:39 And they went to the entrance of Gedor, even unto the east side of the valley, to seek pasture for their flocks.
4:40 And they found fat pasture and good, and the land was wide, and quiet, and peaceable; for they of Ham had dwelt there of old.
4:41 And these written by name came in the days of Hezekiah king of Judah, and smote their tents, and the habitations that were found there, and destroyed them utterly unto this day, and dwelt in their rooms: because there was pasture there for their flocks.
4:42 And some of them, even of the sons of Simeon, five hundred men, went to mount Seir, having for their captains Pelatiah, and Neariah, and Rephaiah, and Uzziel, the sons of Ishi.
4:43 And they smote the rest of the Amalekites that were escaped, and dwelt there unto this day.

5:1 Now the sons of Reuben the firstborn of Israel, (for he was the firstborn; but forasmuch as he defiled his father's bed, his birthright was given unto the sons of Joseph the son of Israel: and the genealogy is not to be reckoned after the birthright.
5:2 For Judah prevailed above his brethren, and of him came the chief ruler; but the birthright was Joseph's
5:3 The sons, I say, of Reuben the firstborn of Israel were, Hanoch, and Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi.
5:4 The sons of Joel; Shemaiah his son, Gog his son, Shimei his son,
5:5 Micah his son, Reaia his son, Baal his son,
5:6 Beerah his son, whom Tilgathpilneser king of Assyria carried away captive: he was prince of the Reubenites.
5:7 And his brethren by their families, when the genealogy of their generations was reckoned, were the chief, Jeiel, and Zechariah,
5:8 And Bela the son of Azaz, the son of Shema, the son of Joel, who dwelt in Aroer, even unto Nebo and Baalmeon:
5:9 And eastward he inhabited unto the entering in of the wilderness from the river Euphrates: because their cattle were multiplied in the land of Gilead.
5:10 And in the days of Saul they made war with the Hagarites, who fell by their hand: and they dwelt in their tents throughout all the east land of Gilead.
5:11 And the children of Gad dwelt over against them, in the land of Bashan unto Salcah:
5:12 Joel the chief, and Shapham the next, and Jaanai, and Shaphat in Bashan.
5:13 And their brethren of the house of their fathers were, Michael, and Meshullam, and Sheba, and Jorai, and Jachan, and Zia, and Heber, seven.
5:14 These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz;
5:15 Ahi the son of Abdiel, the son of Guni, chief of the house of their fathers.
5:16 And they dwelt in Gilead in Bashan, and in her towns, and in all the suburbs of Sharon, upon their borders.
5:17 All these were reckoned by genealogies in the days of Jotham king of Judah, and in the days of Jeroboam king of Israel.
5:18 The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war.
5:19 And they made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab.
5:20 And they were helped against them, and the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him.
5:21 And they took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand.
5:22 For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. And they dwelt in their steads until the captivity.
5:23 And the children of the half tribe of Manasseh dwelt in the land: they increased from Bashan unto Baalhermon and Senir, and unto mount Hermon.
5:24 And these were the heads of the house of their fathers, even Epher, and Ishi, and Eliel, and Azriel, and Jeremiah, and Hodaviah, and Jahdiel, mighty men of valour, famous men, and heads of the house of their fathers.
5:25 And they transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them.
5:26 And the God of Israel stirred up the spirit of Pul king of Assyria, and the spirit of Tilgathpilneser king of Assyria, and he carried them away, even the Reubenites, and the Gadites, and the half tribe of Manasseh, and brought them unto Halah, and Habor, and Hara, and to the river Gozan, unto this day.

6:1 The sons of Levi; Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.
6:2 And the sons of Kohath; Amram, Izhar, and Hebron, and Uzziel.
6:3 And the children of Amram; Aaron, and Moses, and Miriam. The sons also of Aaron; Nadab, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.
6:4 Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua,
6:5 And Abishua begat Bukki, and Bukki begat Uzzi,
6:6 And Uzzi begat Zerahiah, and Zerahiah begat Meraioth,
6:7 Meraioth begat Amariah, and Amariah begat Ahitub,
6:8 And Ahitub begat Zadok, and Zadok begat Ahimaaz,
6:9 And Ahimaaz begat Azariah, and Azariah begat Johanan,
6:10 And Johanan begat Azariah, (he it is that executed the priest's office in the temple that Solomon built in Jerusalem
6:11 And Azariah begat Amariah, and Amariah begat Ahitub,
6:12 And Ahitub begat Zadok, and Zadok begat Shallum,
6:13 And Shallum begat Hilkiah, and Hilkiah begat Azariah,
6:14 And Azariah begat Seraiah, and Seraiah begat Jehozadak,
6:15 And Jehozadak went into captivity, when the LORD carried away Judah and Jerusalem by the hand of Nebuchadnezzar.
6:16 The sons of Levi; Gershom, Kohath, and Merari.
6:17 And these be the names of the sons of Gershom; Libni, and Shimei.
6:18 And the sons of Kohath were, Amram, and Izhar, and Hebron, and Uzziel.
6:19 The sons of Merari; Mahli, and Mushi. And these are the families of the Levites according to their fathers.
6:20 Of Gershom; Libni his son, Jahath his son, Zimmah his son,
6:21 Joah his son, Iddo his son, Zerah his son, Jeaterai his son.
6:22 The sons of Kohath; Amminadab his son, Korah his son, Assir his son,
6:23 Elkanah his son, and Ebiasaph his son, and Assir his son,
6:24 Tahath his son, Uriel his son, Uzziah his son, and Shaul his son.
6:25 And the sons of Elkanah; Amasai, and Ahimoth.
6:26 As for Elkanah: the sons of Elkanah; Zophai his son, and Nahath his son,
6:27 Eliab his son, Jeroham his son, Elkanah his son.
6:28 And the sons of Samuel; the firstborn Vashni, and Abiah.
6:29 The sons of Merari; Mahli, Libni his son, Shimei his son, Uzza his son,
6:30 Shimea his son, Haggiah his son, Asaiah his son.
6:31 And these are they whom David set over the service of song in the house of the LORD, after that the ark had rest.
6:32 And they ministered before the dwelling place of the tabernacle of the congregation with singing, until Solomon had built the house of the LORD in Jerusalem: and then they waited on their office according to their order.
6:33 And these are they that waited with their children. Of the sons of the Kohathites: Heman a singer, the son of Joel, the son of Shemuel,
6:34 The son of Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Eliel, the son of Toah,
6:35 The son of Zuph, the son of Elkanah, the son of Mahath, the son of Amasai,
6:36 The son of Elkanah, the son of Joel, the son of Azariah, the son of Zephaniah,
6:37 The son of Tahath, the son of Assir, the son of Ebiasaph, the son of Korah,
6:38 The son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, the son of Israel.
6:39 And his brother Asaph, who stood on his right hand, even Asaph the son of Berachiah, the son of Shimea,
6:40 The son of Michael, the son of Baaseiah, the son of Malchiah,
6:41 The son of Ethni, the son of Zerah, the son of Adaiah,
6:42 The son of Ethan, the son of Zimmah, the son of Shimei,
6:43 The son of Jahath, the son of Gershom, the son of Levi.
6:44 And their brethren the sons of Merari stood on the left hand: Ethan the son of Kishi, the son of Abdi, the son of Malluch,
6:45 The son of Hashabiah, the son of Amaziah, the son of Hilkiah,
6:46 The son of Amzi, the son of Bani, the son of Shamer,
6:47 The son of Mahli, the son of Mushi, the son of Merari, the son of Levi.
6:48 Their brethren also the Levites were appointed unto all manner of service of the tabernacle of the house of God.
6:49 But Aaron and his sons offered upon the altar of the burnt offering, and on the altar of incense, and were appointed for all the work of the place most holy, and to make an atonement for Israel, according to all that Moses the servant of God had commanded.
6:50 And these are the sons of Aaron; Eleazar his son, Phinehas his son, Abishua his son,
6:51 Bukki his son, Uzzi his son, Zerahiah his son,
6:52 Meraioth his son, Amariah his son, Ahitub his son,
6:53 Zadok his son, Ahimaaz his son.
6:54 Now these are their dwelling places throughout their castles in their coasts, of the sons of Aaron, of the families of the Kohathites: for theirs was the lot.
6:55 And they gave them Hebron in the land of Judah, and the suburbs thereof round about it.
6:56 But the fields of the city, and the villages thereof, they gave to Caleb the son of Jephunneh.
6:57 And to the sons of Aaron they gave the cities of Judah, namely, Hebron, the city of refuge, and Libnah with her suburbs, and Jattir, and Eshtemoa, with their suburbs,
6:58 And Hilen with her suburbs, Debir with her suburbs,
6:59 And Ashan with her suburbs, and Bethshemesh with her suburbs:
6:60 And out of the tribe of Benjamin; Geba with her suburbs, and Alemeth with her suburbs, and Anathoth with her suburbs. All their cities throughout their families were thirteen cities.
6:61 And unto the sons of Kohath, which were left of the family of that tribe, were cities given out of the half tribe, namely, out of the half tribe of Manasseh, by lot, ten cities.
6:62 And to the sons of Gershom throughout their families out of the tribe of Issachar, and out of the tribe of Asher, and out of the tribe of Naphtali, and out of the tribe of Manasseh in Bashan, thirteen cities.
6:63 Unto the sons of Merari were given by lot, throughout their families, out of the tribe of Reuben, and out of the tribe of Gad, and out of the tribe of Zebulun, twelve cities.
6:64 And the children of Israel gave to the Levites these cities with their suburbs.
6:65 And they gave by lot out of the tribe of the children of Judah, and out of the tribe of the children of Simeon, and out of the tribe of the children of Benjamin, these cities, which are called by their names.
6:66 And the residue of the families of the sons of Kohath had cities of their coasts out of the tribe of Ephraim.
6:67 And they gave unto them, of the cities of refuge, Shechem in mount Ephraim with her suburbs; they gave also Gezer with her suburbs,
6:68 And Jokmeam with her suburbs, and Bethhoron with her suburbs,
6:69 And Aijalon with her suburbs, and Gathrimmon with her suburbs:
6:70 And out of the half tribe of Manasseh; Aner with her suburbs, and Bileam with her suburbs, for the family of the remnant of the sons of Kohath.
6:71 Unto the sons of Gershom were given out of the family of the half tribe of Manasseh, Golan in Bashan with her suburbs, and Ashtaroth with her suburbs:
6:72 And out of the tribe of Issachar; Kedesh with her suburbs, Daberath with her suburbs,
6:73 And Ramoth with her suburbs, and Anem with her suburbs:
6:74 And out of the tribe of Asher; Mashal with her suburbs, and Abdon with her suburbs,
6:75 And Hukok with her suburbs, and Rehob with her suburbs:
6:76 And out of the tribe of Naphtali; Kedesh in Galilee with her suburbs, and Hammon with her suburbs, and Kirjathaim with her suburbs.
6:77 Unto the rest of the children of Merari were given out of the tribe of Zebulun, Rimmon with her suburbs, Tabor with her suburbs:
6:78 And on the other side Jordan by Jericho, on the east side of Jordan, were given them out of the tribe of Reuben, Bezer in the wilderness with her suburbs, and Jahzah with her suburbs,
6:79 Kedemoth also with her suburbs, and Mephaath with her suburbs:
6:80 And out of the tribe of Gad; Ramoth in Gilead with her suburbs, and Mahanaim with her suburbs,
6:81 And Heshbon with her suburbs, and Jazer with her suburbs.

7:1 Now the sons of Issachar were, Tola, and Puah, Jashub, and Shimrom, four.
7:2 And the sons of Tola; Uzzi, and Rephaiah, and Jeriel, and Jahmai, and Jibsam, and Shemuel, heads of their father's house, to wit, of Tola: they were valiant men of might in their generations; whose number was in the days of David two and twenty thousand and six hundred.
7:3 And the sons of Uzzi; Izrahiah: and the sons of Izrahiah; Michael, and Obadiah, and Joel, Ishiah, five: all of them chief men.
7:4 And with them, by their generations, after the house of their fathers, were bands of soldiers for war, six and thirty thousand men: for they had many wives and sons.
7:5 And their brethren among all the families of Issachar were valiant men of might, reckoned in all by their genealogies fourscore and seven thousand.
7:6 The sons of Benjamin; Bela, and Becher, and Jediael, three.
7:7 And the sons of Bela; Ezbon, and Uzzi, and Uzziel, and Jerimoth, and Iri, five; heads of the house of their fathers, mighty men of valour; and were reckoned by their genealogies twenty and two thousand and thirty and four.
7:8 And the sons of Becher; Zemira, and Joash, and Eliezer, and Elioenai, and Omri, and Jerimoth, and Abiah, and Anathoth, and Alameth. All these are the sons of Becher.
7:9 And the number of them, after their genealogy by their generations, heads of the house of their fathers, mighty men of valour, was twenty thousand and two hundred.
7:10 The sons also of Jediael; Bilhan: and the sons of Bilhan; Jeush, and Benjamin, and Ehud, and Chenaanah, and Zethan, and Tharshish, and Ahishahar.
7:11 All these the sons of Jediael, by the heads of their fathers, mighty men of valour, were seventeen thousand and two hundred soldiers, fit to go out for war and battle.
7:12 Shuppim also, and Huppim, the children of Ir, and Hushim, the sons of Aher.
7:13 The sons of Naphtali; Jahziel, and Guni, and Jezer, and Shallum, the sons of Bilhah.
7:14 The sons of Manasseh; Ashriel, whom she bare: (but his concubine the Aramitess bare Machir the father of Gilead:
7:15 And Machir took to wife the sister of Huppim and Shuppim, whose sister's name was Maachah and the name of the second was Zelophehad: and Zelophehad had daughters.
7:16 And Maachah the wife of Machir bare a son, and she called his name Peresh; and the name of his brother was Sheresh; and his sons were Ulam and Rakem.
7:17 And the sons of Ulam; Bedan. These were the sons of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh.
7:18 And his sister Hammoleketh bare Ishod, and Abiezer, and Mahalah.
7:19 And the sons of Shemidah were, Ahian, and Shechem, and Likhi, and Aniam.
7:20 And the sons of Ephraim; Shuthelah, and Bered his son, and Tahath his son, and Eladah his son, and Tahath his son,
7:21 And Zabad his son, and Shuthelah his son, and Ezer, and Elead, whom the men of Gath that were born in that land slew, because they came down to take away their cattle.
7:22 And Ephraim their father mourned many days, and his brethren came to comfort him.
7:23 And when he went in to his wife, she conceived, and bare a son, and he called his name Beriah, because it went evil with his house.
7:24 (And his daughter was Sherah, who built Bethhoron the nether, and the upper, and Uzzensherah.)
7:25 And Rephah was his son, also Resheph, and Telah his son, and Tahan his son.
7:26 Laadan his son, Ammihud his son, Elishama his son.
7:27 Non his son, Jehoshuah his son.
7:28 And their possessions and habitations were, Bethel and the towns thereof, and eastward Naaran, and westward Gezer, with the towns thereof; Shechem also and the towns thereof, unto Gaza and the towns thereof:
7:29 And by the borders of the children of Manasseh, Bethshean and her towns, Taanach and her towns, Megiddo and her towns, Dor and her towns. In these dwelt the children of Joseph the son of Israel.
7:30 The sons of Asher; Imnah, and Isuah, and Ishuai, and Beriah, and Serah their sister.
7:31 And the sons of Beriah; Heber, and Malchiel, who is the father of Birzavith.
7:32 And Heber begat Japhlet, and Shomer, and Hotham, and Shua their sister.
7:33 And the sons of Japhlet; Pasach, and Bimhal, and Ashvath. These are the children of Japhlet.
7:34 And the sons of Shamer; Ahi, and Rohgah, Jehubbah, and Aram.
7:35 And the sons of his brother Helem; Zophah, and Imna, and Shelesh, and Amal.
7:36 The sons of Zophah; Suah, and Harnepher, and Shual, and Beri, and Imrah,
7:37 Bezer, and Hod, and Shamma, and Shilshah, and Ithran, and Beera.
7:38 And the sons of Jether; Jephunneh, and Pispah, and Ara.
7:39 And the sons of Ulla; Arah, and Haniel, and Rezia.
7:40 All these were the children of Asher, heads of their father's house, choice and mighty men of valour, chief of the princes. And the number throughout the genealogy of them that were apt to the war and to battle was twenty and six thousand men

8:1 Now Benjamin begat Bela his firstborn, Ashbel the second, and Aharah the third,
8:2 Nohah the fourth, and Rapha the fifth.
8:3 And the sons of Bela were, Addar, and Gera, and Abihud,
8:4 And Abishua, and Naaman, and Ahoah,
8:5 And Gera, and Shephuphan, and Huram.
8:6 And these are the sons of Ehud: these are the heads of the fathers of the inhabitants of Geba, and they removed them to Manahath:
8:7 And Naaman, and Ahiah, and Gera, he removed them, and begat Uzza, and Ahihud.
8:8 And Shaharaim begat children in the country of Moab, after he had sent them away; Hushim and Baara were his wives.
8:9 And he begat of Hodesh his wife, Jobab, and Zibia, and Mesha, and Malcham,
8:10 And Jeuz, and Shachia, and Mirma. These were his sons, heads of the fathers.
8:11 And of Hushim he begat Abitub, and Elpaal.
8:12 The sons of Elpaal; Eber, and Misham, and Shamed, who built Ono, and Lod, with the towns thereof:
8:13 Beriah also, and Shema, who were heads of the fathers of the inhabitants of Aijalon, who drove away the inhabitants of Gath:
8:14 And Ahio, Shashak, and Jeremoth,
8:15 And Zebadiah, and Arad, and Ader,
8:16 And Michael, and Ispah, and Joha, the sons of Beriah;
8:17 And Zebadiah, and Meshullam, and Hezeki, and Heber,
8:18 Ishmerai also, and Jezliah, and Jobab, the sons of Elpaal;
8:19 And Jakim, and Zichri, and Zabdi,
8:20 And Elienai, and Zilthai, and Eliel,
8:21 And Adaiah, and Beraiah, and Shimrath, the sons of Shimhi;
8:22 And Ishpan, and Heber, and Eliel,
8:23 And Abdon, and Zichri, and Hanan,
8:24 And Hananiah, and Elam, and Antothijah,
8:25 And Iphedeiah, and Penuel, the sons of Shashak;
8:26 And Shamsherai, and Shehariah, and Athaliah,
8:27 And Jaresiah, and Eliah, and Zichri, the sons of Jeroham.
8:28 These were heads of the fathers, by their generations, chief men. These dwelt in Jerusalem.
8:29 And at Gibeon dwelt the father of Gibeon; whose wife's name was Maachah:
8:30 And his firstborn son Abdon, and Zur, and Kish, and Baal, and Nadab,
8:31 And Gedor, and Ahio, and Zacher.
8:32 And Mikloth begat Shimeah. And these also dwelt with their brethren in Jerusalem, over against them.
8:33 And Ner begat Kish, and Kish begat Saul, and Saul begat Jonathan, and Malchishua, and Abinadab, and Eshbaal.
8:34 And the son of Jonathan was Meribbaal; and Meribbaal begat Micah.
8:35 And the sons of Micah were, Pithon, and Melech, and Tarea, and Ahaz.
8:36 And Ahaz begat Jehoadah; and Jehoadah begat Alemeth, and Azmaveth, and Zimri; and Zimri begat Moza,
8:37 And Moza begat Binea: Rapha was his son, Eleasah his son, Azel his son:
8:38 And Azel had six sons, whose names are these, Azrikam, Bocheru, and Ishmael, and Sheariah, and Obadiah, and Hanan. All these were the sons of Azel.
8:39 And the sons of Eshek his brother were, Ulam his firstborn, Jehush the second, and Eliphelet the third.
8:40 And the sons of Ulam were mighty men of valour, archers, and had many sons, and sons' sons, an hundred and fifty. All these are of the sons of Benjamin.

9:1 So all Israel were reckoned by genealogies; and, behold, they were written in the book of the kings of Israel and Judah, who were carried away to Babylon for their transgression.
9:2 Now the first inhabitants that dwelt in their possessions in their cities were, the Israelites, the priests, Levites, and the Nethinims.
9:3 And in Jerusalem dwelt of the children of Judah, and of the children of Benjamin, and of the children of Ephraim, and Manasseh;
9:4 Uthai the son of Ammihud, the son of Omri, the son of Imri, the son of Bani, of the children of Pharez the son of Judah.
9:5 And of the Shilonites; Asaiah the firstborn, and his sons.
9:6 And of the sons of Zerah; Jeuel, and their brethren, six hundred and ninety.
9:7 And of the sons of Benjamin; Sallu the son of Meshullam, the son of Hodaviah, the son of Hasenuah,
9:8 And Ibneiah the son of Jeroham, and Elah the son of Uzzi, the son of Michri, and Meshullam the son of Shephathiah, the son of Reuel, the son of Ibnijah;
9:9 And their brethren, according to their generations, nine hundred and fifty and six. All these men were chief of the fathers in the house of their fathers.
9:10 And of the priests; Jedaiah, and Jehoiarib, and Jachin,
9:11 And Azariah the son of Hilkiah, the son of Meshullam, the son of Zadok, the son of Meraioth, the son of Ahitub, the ruler of the house of God;
9:12 And Adaiah the son of Jeroham, the son of Pashur, the son of Malchijah, and Maasiai the son of Adiel, the son of Jahzerah, the son of Meshullam, the son of Meshillemith, the son of Immer;
9:13 And their brethren, heads of the house of their fathers, a thousand and seven hundred and threescore; very able men for the work of the service of the house of God.
9:14 And of the Levites; Shemaiah the son of Hasshub, the son of Azrikam, the son of Hashabiah, of the sons of Merari;
9:15 And Bakbakkar, Heresh, and Galal, and Mattaniah the son of Micah, the son of Zichri, the son of Asaph;
9:16 And Obadiah the son of Shemaiah, the son of Galal, the son of Jeduthun, and Berechiah the son of Asa, the son of Elkanah, that dwelt in the villages of the Netophathites.
9:17 And the porters were, Shallum, and Akkub, and Talmon, and Ahiman, and their brethren: Shallum was the chief;
9:18 Who hitherto waited in the king's gate eastward: they were porters in the companies of the children of Levi.
9:19 And Shallum the son of Kore, the son of Ebiasaph, the son of Korah, and his brethren, of the house of his father, the Korahites, were over the work of the service, keepers of the gates of the tabernacle: and their fathers, being over the host of the LORD, were keepers of the entry.
9:20 And Phinehas the son of Eleazar was the ruler over them in time past, and the LORD was with him.
9:21 And Zechariah the son of Meshelemiah was porter of the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
9:22 All these which were chosen to be porters in the gates were two hundred and twelve. These were reckoned by their genealogy in their villages, whom David and Samuel the seer did ordain in their set office.
9:23 So they and their children had the oversight of the gates of the house of the LORD, namely, the house of the tabernacle, by wards.
9:24 In four quarters were the porters, toward the east, west, north, and south.
9:25 And their brethren, which were in their villages, were to come after seven days from time to time with them.
9:26 For these Levites, the four chief porters, were in their set office, and were over the chambers and treasuries of the house of God.
9:27 And they lodged round about the house of God, because the charge was upon them, and the opening thereof every morning pertained to them.
9:28 And certain of them had the charge of the ministering vessels, that they should bring them in and out by tale.
9:29 Some of them also were appointed to oversee the vessels, and all the instruments of the sanctuary, and the fine flour, and the wine, and the oil, and the frankincense, and the spices.
9:30 And some of the sons of the priests made the ointment of the spices.
9:31 And Mattithiah, one of the Levites, who was the firstborn of Shallum the Korahite, had the set office over the things that were made in the pans.
9:32 And other of their brethren, of the sons of the Kohathites, were over the shewbread, to prepare it every sabbath.
9:33 And these are the singers, chief of the fathers of the Levites, who remaining in the chambers were free: for they were employed in that work day and night.
9:34 These chief fathers of the Levites were chief throughout their generations; these dwelt at Jerusalem.
9:35 And in Gibeon dwelt the father of Gibeon, Jehiel, whose wife's name was Maachah:
9:36 And his firstborn son Abdon, then Zur, and Kish, and Baal, and Ner, and Nadab.
9:37 And Gedor, and Ahio, and Zechariah, and Mikloth.
9:38 And Mikloth begat Shimeam. And they also dwelt with their brethren at Jerusalem, over against their brethren.
9:39 And Ner begat Kish; and Kish begat Saul; and Saul begat Jonathan, and Malchishua, and Abinadab, and Eshbaal.
9:40 And the son of Jonathan was Meribbaal: and Meribbaal begat Micah.
9:41 And the sons of Micah were, Pithon, and Melech, and Tahrea, and Ahaz.
9:42 And Ahaz begat Jarah; and Jarah begat Alemeth, and Azmaveth, and Zimri; and Zimri begat Moza;
9:43 And Moza begat Binea; and Rephaiah his son, Eleasah his son, Azel his son.
9:44 And Azel had six sons, whose names are these, Azrikam, Bocheru, and Ishmael, and Sheariah, and Obadiah, and Hanan: these were the sons of Azel.

To be continued...

[PsiUmbreon]

Continued from previous post.

So anyways, where were we? Oh, right. Jibacoil.

Jarl beat Green Hill zone. He then went on to Marble zone. But he got squished by a crushy thingy. So he died and went to hell. Hell turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl then reincarnated from the 56th television that could only show channel 63 due to his fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma. But this time he had to eat carrots to survive. He bought some at Saddam's hamburger stand that sold chinese food. Then, he went to Ice Cap zone to look for Charizards. Did you know that there's water in Ice Cap zone? Well, didja? I bet you didn't know that. :p Or maybe you did. But what Jarl didn't know was that on the planet Gesper 3, Ice Cap zone was really Marble Garden zone, and that Jesus inhabited all of act 2. And what Jarl didn't know hurt him. So he turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl was then reincarnated inside a llama, which was really a rabid Plusle, who was really Jesus, who was really an old, wadded up newspaper, who was really Osama bin Laden, who was really Britney Spears, who was really Garth Brooks, who was really three-day old bread, which was really three hundred dollars worth of pennies, which was really a carton of milk, which was really a Jibacoil smilie, which was really the Dalai Lama, who was really a tadpole made of chicken soup from the fourteenth planet of the solar system of jakablabahahahanatapapaleekaseentopoosneichtenstop penfooternoppenfappenbloppen 13, which was really Sephiroth's other wing. Sephiroth's other wing had the property of being able to display what was on channel 63, but it didn't have enough minerals to show what was on the Discovery Channel.

The fourteenth planet of the solar system of jakablabahahahanatapapaleekaseentopoosneichtenstop penfooternoppenfappenbloppen 13 was loaded with Charizards, but unfortunately Jarl could not see any of them due to his fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma. The locals of the fourteenth planet of
the solar system of jakablabahahahanatapapaleekaseentopoosneichtenstop penfooternoppenfappenbloppen 13 could easily tell that he had fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma because they all hadn't been to Africa. Except they called the disease durkadurkadingablingdeedoopatarrrefleebleacabalaka feedldeebeebleteeoma. The locals of the fourteenth planet of the solar system of jakablabahahahanatapapaleekaseentopoosneichtenstop penfooternoppenfappenbloppen 13 tolf him he had durkadurkadingablingdeedoopatarrrefleebleacabalaka feedldeebeebleteeoma. But Jarl did not know what they were talking about. He didn't know that they were referring to his fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma, which he was completely oblivious of. This caused Jarl to turn into a piece of cheese, because he didn't have enough minerals. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fghasghsk hasjkdgdsaguaoirutasdgj dklvn a;ldkjgkl; djg l;kadfmv;lfjg;lkdjf;klcsmgnfb;kn;lkvajf;jdsg;lkdj; kbnd;kjdkljfs;dkl gjaldfgnv;laksdvfkl;sjbfgl;asdjg;lkdjglkdsjmfl;dmn v;lkvbldnvm,lxcvc,xnv.,dngsdflkgha;sfdjklsdjflaksd jg;lkdsfjgkldjflkdjglkdmg,dvmmmm.svd ljvk;jdgklajdsflkajflituwaiotw478t yguaoyg idvjgn;ldkgjdalkgjnmt;4trg;adkfgja;twe9tuajt vl;fkja;lkgjvahmg;aeiur3irqfl ;dfg;ldsfagwerhjm g [a; ;b;av lagj aer;lgja dg adv; ad ;a ;l;gk aj;g naga papang ;ag n;dsfg; nadg; kg;lj ar;lytkjue;ariojgk ;adlvn ;lja a; jrgg md;fajdfl jsglk;jas;dkljasdlk;fjvdsl;jg;af

JAGORI!!!!111oneone

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jarl then reincarnated inside Saddam Hussein's hamburger stand. He did not have enough minerals to go to Green Hill zone again. So he sat down and ate chinese food at Saddam's hamburger stand, which sold no hamburgers whatsoever, only chinese food. Jarl was then teleported to Mauville City because of the fact that the chinese food contained MSG. He appeared inside the Pokemon Center there. Now, the people of Mauville City could also tell that Jarl had fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma. But they pronounce this disorder as fakadeedoopasmeegmateamatefallapodegeezamageena324 324234raagbalakanfrajajesusjesusjesusoma. On a side note, the people of Fortree City pronounce this disorder as fajablarbafanadadeedoopaseelteafleeblegoktoobsenet ahanitajehjehrocketanimalcrackerism, only they always pronounce it in a southern accent even though they're not from the south at all. But the people of the Sevii Islands have enough sense to just call it 16. People from other regions mock them for not pronouncing fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma, fakadeedoopasmeegmateamatefallapodegeezamageena324 324234raagbalakanfrajajesusjesusjesusoma, or fajablarbafanadadeedoopaseelteafleeblegoktoobsenet ahanitajehjehrocketanimalcrackerism, but the Sevii Islanders seem to get along just fine.

Giddy was waiting for Jarl at the Pokemon Center of Mauville City. Despite having been shot by Jarl the lonely Swampert earlier, Giddy was still alive due to his annoyingness.

"I have a scintillating story for you. Would you like to hear it?" Giddy said to Jarl.

"Would I!?" Jarl responded enthusiastically. "NO."

"I feel deflated..." Giddy walked off.

Jarl then exploded, as he didn't have enough minerals. Well, because he hadn't been to Africa, duh.

THE END!!!!!!!11111

or is it?

Actually it isn't, because Jarl reincarnated once again.This wasn't because of fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma, since that only works when he turns into a piece of cheese and Girl grabs the cheese and eats it and it tastes good. This was because of Bill O'Reilly. Bill O'Reilly was eating Chinese food at Saddam's hamburger stand. Let's talk about hamburgers. They are so good. Sometimes they contain cheese. OMGCHEEESE!!!!111 I LIKE CHEESE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

Yellow Alchemists like to boogie. Harry Potter says hi. No one likes silicon. Everyone likes carbon. Bananas like to play Scrabble with the Yellow Alchemists. No one else does. Yellow book. Yellow books. Yellow yellow yellow yellow. Spawn more Overlords. Not enough minerals. Insufficient Vespene Gas. Your forces are under attack. Nuclear launch detected. sjfg;adsjgas;lkdjl;adskjflakdjfg;lakjgklsdjf;lsadj fg;lkfl;ajsf;klsdjglk;djsflkdsjgklasjdg;lkasjdglk; ajsdgl;jdsfgl;kjadsl;gjsadlgkjas;lgkjs;dlkgjasd;lf jasdlkfjasdlfjgasd;lgjas;dlkfjalskdgj;alsjglakjglj lkjljlk;jlkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

adshg;adsjfl gklasdjg;akdf;gjkrtpoieufkdsjga;kldfgls.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And thus, the story ends, because there aren't enough minerals to continue. That and also a bunch of Zerglings attacked the GIANT ENEMY CRAB for MASSIVE DAMAGE! WOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEETTTTTTT TTTTTTTTT!!!!!11111.

THE END.

[Sike Saner]

Also, pamtre berry.

OMG WHERE?!

...Anyway. First things first...

*moment of silence for random pointless Jibacoil smilies*





Now, then...

Bwehr bear was a bwehry bwehry bear. It tasted like berries. Including Halle Berry, Barry White, and even Oran Berries. So Bwehr bear and his bwehry friends decided to say bwehr and eat berries while eating bear claws on the bare floor and listening to Barry White. It was a very good bear, this bwehr bear. He could only say bwehr, but he sure could say bwehr. Bwehr. Bwehr bwehr bwehr. I couldn't tackle the bwehr. They took my stain.

*sigh* Do I have to keep retrieving that stupid stain from bears and bwehrs and bwehr bears and whatever else for you? >>;

Fnarf the giant talking toaster woke up from inside its even bigger toaster, which could only make pop tarts and nothing else.

*insert obligatory reference to Mario saying, "All toasters toast toast!"*

Seriously, that's very impressive compared to my toaster, which can only make burny tarts, burny waffles, burny toast... ;-;

She found lots of Charizards there, but they were customers and not products, unfortunately.

You mean the customers in a store aren't for sale? Damn.

He got seventeen "no" responses, one response of "cookies", and -3 of them told him to go to Green Hill zone.

Wait, does that mean that three of them specifically told him not to go to Green Hill Zone? O.o

Funny story about Green Hill zone. I like cheese. Did you know that? Anyway, that had nothing to do with the story.

It was still awe-inspiring enough to have fit in just fine with the rest of the story. *_*

Umm... what was my story again? Oh, right, I was going to tell you about Emerald Hill zone.

Yes, that's right. Emerald Hill Zone. Not Green Hill Zone. All those times before when it seemed like the text mentioned Green Hill Zone? It was totally Emerald Hill Zone that was being mentioned instead. It only looked like it said "Green Hill Zone" because I wasn't holding my mouth right, I guess.

Did you know that there are no monkeys there? Err... except the ones that throw coconuts at you. But those don't count. Unless of course they do.

Indeed, things don't count unless they do. *nods*

So anyways, to go to Green Hill zone like those -3 dealers told him, he had to first build a magic school bus. But when he tried to do that, a voice from nowhere went:

*bzzt* Not enough minerals.

"ARGH! Jarl yelled out. "WHY MUST THIS BE SO? ANSWER MY QUESTION"

Another voice, this one more garbled and monstery, replied, "Spawn more Overlords."

"But I don't have enough minerals to do that!"

Yet another voice replied, "You must construct additional Pylons."

School buses do indeed require massive amounts of minerals, Overlords, and Pylons.

So Jarl went and mined more minerals, spawned more overlords, and constructed additional Pylons. Then, a green cow seized control of Uzbekistan. This made monkeys turn green for some reason. This has nothing to do with the story. Jibacoil. Yellow monkeys. Monkeys.

THAT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY! XD

The first voice then said, "Additional Supply Depots required." So Jarl went and built a bunch of those.

Yep, school buses tend to require many a Supply Depot, too.

"Insufficient Vespene Gas," The voice went again.

ARGH! FORGET YOU!

*bzzt* not enough minerals.

SHUT THE HELL UP!

You tell those random, disembodied StarCraft references!

"we require more Vespene Gas."

"Oh yeah?" So Jarl went and gathered some Vespene Gas.

"fjas;lkdfjafgjkaejkrrrrrrrrr" Jarl then said. "fha;gha kmgds."

*nods* Vespene Gas'll do that to a person.

Harry Potter.

Well, that just puts everything into perspective. Thanks. ^^

Jarl went to Green Hill zone. A cow greeted him. Wait, Green Hill zone doesn't have cows. Oh well. One greeted him. Jarl then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl had to suffer the fate of cheese. He saw one of the cows of Green Hill Zone. No one is supposed to see the cows of Green Hill Zone... ¬¬

Bwehr bear and his three beary good friends went to Green Hill zone next. Little did they know that they didn't have enough minerals to get there, and so ended up in Apple zone. What is in apple zone, might you ask? Well, apple zone contains cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. And an apple tree, but the tree grows additional Pylons instead of apples. So why do they call it Apple zone? It's because they don't have enough minerals. Did you know that?

Of course I knew that. What else would a zone called Apple Zone contain, and why else would it be called Apple Zone? O.o;

A molecule of Lithium Dibromide watched channel 63.

That molecule told me it was doing its homework... ¬¬

Jarl jumped out of the television set. Because having fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma meant that whenever he turned into a piece of cheese, and Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and it tasted good, Jarl would reincarnate out of any television set that displayed channel 63, even if he didn't have enough minerals.

So... what would happen if the cheese didn't taste good? o.o

Radioactive squirrels everywhere turned to channel 63 and then turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Only a non-radioactive kind of squirrel could set Jarl free. But Jarl wasn't trapped, so this did not matter.

Well, that's certainly a relief.

But Jarl wasn't trapped, so this did not matter. What mattered was that he was now in Green Hill zone. Unfortunately, he took too long and died, so he had to start from the lamppost he touched earlier.

Jarl should have paused the game before doing whatever it was that took him ten minutes to do.

This made Saddam Hussein very unhappy, but he didn't have enough minerals to build any weapons of mass destruction. So instead he built a hamburger stand and began selling chinese food there.

Only once have I ever seen a hamburger stand that didn't sell Chinese food, and that was the hamburger stand that I used to own. It wasn't a very good hamburger stand. The only things I ever had there to sell were burny tarts, burny waffles, burny toast... ;-;

Jarl beat Green Hill zone. He then went on to Marble zone. But he got squished by a crushy thingy.

Damn crushy thingies... ><; Maybe that's why those three people specifically told him not to go to Green Hill Zone: they knew that he'd go beyond it to Marble Zone because Green Hill Zone is easy as frell (provided you avoid noticing the cows, anyway) and that once in Marble Zone, he'd surely fall victim to one of its numerous crushy thingies.

Then, he went to Ice Cap zone to look for Charizards. Did you know that there's water in Ice Cap zone? Well, didja? I bet you didn't know that. :p Or maybe you did.

Actually, that's not water. That's a special floor that bounces you up to secret platforms containing a bunches of 1-up boxes lined up in big, long rows if you jump onto it. Go ahead. Try it!

Sephiroth's other wing had the property of being able to display what was on channel 63, but it didn't have enough minerals to show what was on the Discovery Channel.

However, his glorious, shining hair does have the property of being able to display what's on Animal Planet.

He didn't know that they were referring to his fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma, which he was completely oblivious of. This caused Jarl to turn into a piece of cheese, because he didn't have enough minerals. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

So, apparently the fact that Jarl didn't know that they were referring to his fajablabarakanakadianacowbatubaterabalabadingdongd eedumdeathanddestructioncookiesoma (of which he was completely oblivious) and the fact that he didn't have enough minerals are one and the same. Unless they aren't.

fghasghsk hasjkdgdsaguaoirutasdgj dklvn a;ldkjgkl; djg l;kadfmv;lfjg;lkdjf;klcsmgnfb;kn;lkvajf;jdsg;lkdj; kbnd;kjdkljfs;dkl gjaldfgnv;laksdvfkl;sjbfgl;asdjg;lkdjglkdsjmfl;dmn v;lkvbldnvm,lxcvc,xnv.,dngsdflkgha;sfdjklsdjflaksd jg;lkdsfjgkldjflkdjglkdmg,dvmmmm.svd ljvk;jdgklajdsflkajflituwaiotw478t yguaoyg idvjgn;ldkgjdalkgjnmt;4trg;adkfgja;twe9tuajt vl;fkja;lkgjvahmg;aeiur3irqfl ;dfg;ldsfagwerhjm g [a; ;b;av lagj aer;lgja dg adv; ad ;a ;l;gk aj;g naga papang ;ag n;dsfg; nadg; kg;lj ar;lytkjue;ariojgk ;adlvn ;lja a; jrgg md;fajdfl jsglk;jas;dkljasdlk;fjvdsl;jg;af

JAGORI!!!!111oneone

Now THAT is epic storytelling. *_*

On a side note, the people of Fortree City pronounce this disorder as fajablarbafanadadeedoopaseelteafleeblegoktoobsenet ahanitajehjehrocketanimalcrackerism

Huge Crisis has crushy thingies, too.

only they always pronounce it in a southern accent even though they're not from the south at all.

Well, why on Earth would they pronounce it with a southern accent if they were from the South? O.o

But the people of the Sevii Islands have enough sense to just call it 16.

Good for them.

"I have a scintillating story for you. Would you like to hear it?" Giddy said to Jarl.

"Would I!?" Jarl responded enthusiastically. "NO."

"I feel deflated..." Giddy walked off.

*cheers hysterically for Jarl putting Giddy in his place*

Let's talk about hamburgers. They are so good. Sometimes they contain cheese.

Dammit, you made me want a burger at a time when I happen to be unable to get one. T_T

OMGCHEEESE!!!!111 I LIKE CHEESE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

No.

No, I did not.

Yellow Alchemists like to boogie. Harry Potter says hi. No one likes silicon.

I like silicon! ;-;

Everyone likes carbon.

I don't! ;-;

Bananas like to play Scrabble with the Yellow Alchemists. No one else does.

I do! ;-;

...Wait, no I don't. XP

Yellow book. Yellow books. Yellow yellow yellow yellow. Spawn more Overlords. Not enough minerals. Insufficient Vespene Gas. Your forces are under attack. Nuclear launch detected. sjfg;adsjgas;lkdjl;adskjflakdjfg;lakjgklsdjf;lsadj fg;lkfl;ajsf;klsdjglk;djsflkdsjgklasjdg;lkasjdglk; ajsdgl;jdsfgl;kjadsl;gjsadlgkjas;lgkjs;dlkgjasd;lf jasdlkfjasdlfjgasd;lgjas;dlkfjalskdgj;alsjglakjglj lkjljlk;jlkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

adshg;adsjfl gklasdjg;akdf;gjkrtpoieufkdsjga;kldfgls.

Beautiful. ;-; Simply beautiful.

WOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEETTTTTTT TTTTTTTTT!!!!!11111.

You said a dirty word. I'm telling :<

[PsiUmbreon]

My toaster makes burny toast too.

The next installment shall be here next week, and it shall bring with it THE BEST DAMN SALSA IN TOWN!

[PsiUmbreon]

Bwahahahahahahahaa! Widely regarded as one of my best works, this af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles contains swords with incredible properties and ancient artifacts of stunning beauty and uselessness. And also... the BEST damn salsa in town! Enjoy, for the end is near!

*~The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 6: Ocarina of Lime~*

No one likes a quitter. No one likes a quitter. No one likes a quitter.

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A young, eccentric, and not very talkative lad dressed entirely in green pajamas walked up to the steps of the Temple of Lime. Not to be confused with the Temple of Time, which is in Hyrule. No, this was the Temple of Lime, home of the Wombats, a renouned curling team. What's curling, you ask? Well, if you don't know what curling is, consider yourself lucky. Anyway, the temple was decorated in cheese statues and its surface was very, very hairy. As a result, no one dared enter the temple.

But the young boy needed to enter, for within it was a sacred artifact, that which was powerful enough to cut through your mother-in-law while not eating a cheeseburger or singing the Uzbekistan national anthem. It was the Sword of Lime. And there, the young boy was to pull the sword from its sacred mount in the center of the temple.

Once he got to the mount, he pulled the sword from the mount... and transformed into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

What? Were you expecting the young boy to be frozen in time seven years and transformed into a dashing young elfish man, the subject of many a crush from Zelda fangirls? Well, if so, you don't know the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles very well. Hell, expecting anything BUT something turning into cheese is a sign that you should read the other af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles entries, preferrably before starting on this one.

As soon as Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and it tasted good, Girl was suddenly transformed into that young boy with green pajamas. In his hand, Girl wielded the Sword of Lime, the sword of your mother-in-law's bane, and also of the best damn salsa in town. That's right. The BEST damn salsa in town.

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The evil sorcerer, Jarldorf, who by the way has no relation to Ganondorf in any way, other than both of them containing the suffix -dorf at the end of their names, sat atop Mt. Mountain. Or maybe this was just Jarl with a name change. We'll never know, although Jarldorf has an affinity for watching Fox just like Jarl... hmm...

Ah, well I digress. Jarldorf sat in his cavernous lair atop Mt. Mountain watching Fox when he first learned of Girl seizing the sword of Lime. It was on a reality TV show... and Fox had nothing better to do then to set up a webcam inside the Temple of Lime. Yes, that was their newest show. Yay.

*insert random animal jabber from Animal Crossing: Wild World here*

Jarldorf knew that this sword had the power to cut through your mother-in-law while not eating a cheeseburger or singing the Uzbekistan national anthem, and also the ability to taste great with salsa. And he knew that this sword spelt doom for him. Never mind that it spelt 'doom' with a q, it still spelt doom for him. Cute little purple kitty named Bob. There's also a Zebra.

And this was when Jarldorf conspired to defeat Girl. And thus, the first stage of Jarldorf's evil plan was set into motion... after watching American Idol on Fox. :p

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Dirty silver buckets. Oh, look, a snowball!

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Girl also knew that his long-time arch-nemesis, Boy, was *random animal crossing jabber* also seeking the Sword of Lime. And he knew that Boy would conspire with anyone, even evil sorcerers with an affinity for watching Fox. No one likes a quitter. Did you know that I have toes?

Boy needed the Sword of Lime to make the best damn salsa in town... and using this salsa, she would take over the world... one salsa lover at a time. And Girl knew he had to stop Boy from taking over the world, or else... it would be really, really bad for some reason. And Girl needed the Sword of Lime... well, I don't know why, but he needed it.

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"Don't worry... I didn't forget the cheese log."

"I'm sorry, but I can't blow my nose with a piece of cheese. And I don't believe that my snot tastes very good either."

The shady, mysterious figures both shuffled their feet nervously. Neither of them had anything to do with the story... moving on.

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Girl was walking through the Forest of Everlasting Butter, which by now had grown back. Don't ask how. Blame the dirty silver buckets. It was here where Jarldorf began to implement his evil plan... He chopped down a tree, and then turned it into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

No, that was not part of his evil plan. But hiring three Squirtles to squirt him with water was. So as the unsuspecting Girl was walking along, clutching his Sword of Lime, *cough* Buy me a snowphone *cough*. In his other hand, he had the Kokiri Shield. Orly? Yarly. Nowai!

Then, three Squirtles leapt out of the bushes.

"Great Googlie-mooglies!" Girl screamed and raised a finger into the air as the three Squirtles began to douse him with water. The Squirtles then turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

But Girl was still dripping wet. Uh-oh, time for phaze 2 of Jarldorf's plan. This involved seizing control of Uzbekistan, which caused an unexplicable and impossible chain of events and thus caused Girl's arch-nemesis, Boy, to suddenly appear in front of Girl. Boy had secretly conspired with Jarldorf... in exchange for world domination, Jarldorf would receive conquest over the planet Djbouti, where the sun is too bright because there are three of them. Mwhahahahahahahahahaa. *insert evil laugh here*

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CAUTION!

May be harmful if inhaled. May cause irritation. Inhalation may cause irritation, caughing, and acute pneumoconiosis from overwhelming exposure to silica dust. May cause a rapidly developing pulmonary insufficiency, labored breathing, tachypnea and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a short survival time. More frquently, after ten to twenty-five years exposute, labored breathing, dry cough, chest pain, decreased vital capacity, and diminished chest expansion may occur and progress to marked fatigue, extreme labored breathing and cyanosis, anorexia, cough with stringy mucous, pleauratic pain, and incapacity to work. Death may result from cardiac failure or destruction of lung tissue with resultant anorexia. Has caused tumorigenci effects in laboratory animals. Skin contact may cause irritation and dermatitis. Eye contact may cause redness, irritation, and conjunctivitis. Target organs affected: Eyes, skin, and mucous membranes. Provide local exhaust ventilation and/or general dilution ventilation to meet published limits, or use of recommended NIOSH respirators listed in Material Safety Data Sheet.

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The two shady figures who have nothing to do with the story began to converse again.

"Do you know why they squint?"

"Why?"

"Because on the planet of Djbouti, the suns are too bright! Planet Djbouti contains three suns... and six daughters."

"Where's the planet of Djbouti, neh?"

"Second star to the right, an' straight on 'till mornin'!"

"Isn't that Never-Never-Land?"

"Never say never in Never-Never-Land, silly! You should really consider the copyright laws, man..."

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Boy stared at Girl intently. "Give me the Sword of Lime!" She demanded.

"Never!" Girl responded.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'll just have to take it from you." Boy taunted back. She summoned the evil spider monkeys, which were loaned to her from Jarldorf. The evil spider monkeys were armed... with... things... that caused stuff to happen. That's right, stuff. And when the things were used, stuff did happen. Oh yes.

"Aaaaah, stuff's happening!" Girl exclaimed. He drew his Sword of Lime. He drew it on a piece of parchment using crayons. He then gave the drawing to Boy for her birthday, which was six months from three weeks from a day after the day after the weekend after the third Hanukkah in the year following six years from three years from eight lunar cycles after Ramadan.

"Thank you, Girl!" Boy exclaimed.

"No problem, Boy!" Girl replied back while running away from stuff.

"Curses! He's getting away! After them!" Boy commanded to the evil spider monkeys.

So, when stuff happened, utter chaos ensued. Everyone and everything... remained absolutely the same. Then nothing happened. Yay. The evil spider monkeys turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

But gone, however, was the Sword of Lime. Boy had taken it amidst the chaos of cheese-eating and... nothing else happening.

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Harry Potter.

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Princess Watering Can appeared in front of Girl. She began to speak very softly, while carrying a big stick. No, not because of the saying. Because... well, she felt like it.

"Girl... you have been entrusted with the task of reclaiming the Sword of Lime. However, you cannot do so without this... the Ocarina of Lime."

"Why me?" Girl asked.

"Because I've never been to Africa." The princess replied.

"Oh, that makes perfect sense." Girl replied. He took the Ocarina that was bestowed upon him. It turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"D'oh!" Princess Watering Can shook her head, then gave him a backup copy of the Ocarina of Lime. Legendary artifacts don't normally have backup copies, but the creators of this one were smart and actually thought things through.

"Now, you must play the Song of Lime, which will teleport you to the Temple of Lime. There you will find Boy and Jarldorf. They are conspiring against us as we speak, and taking over the world, one salsa lover at a time."

"Uhh... how do I play the Song of Lime?" Girl asked.

"It sounds just like the Song of Time, only you have to twirl while singing it."

"Uhh... but isn't that copyright infringement?" Girl asked.

"Naah... we have clever lawyers." The princess responded.

So Girl began to play Mary had a Little Lamb on the Ocarina. Nothing happened. He then began to play the Barney song. Nothing happened. He then began to play the Kablingy song while dancing the Kablingy dance with Princess Watering Can. Nothing happened. Princess Watering Can put her hand on her forehead and sighed.

"Play the damn Song of Lime already!" the princess yelled.

"Sorry..." Girl replied. He then began to play the Song of Lime. He did a little twirl. A couple of trees turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. Then, he was transported to the hairy footsteps of the Temple of Lime.

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"Aaah, just in time, Girl..." Jarldorf spoke upon seeing Girl. "Right now, Boy is making the best damn salsa in the world and spreading it to everyone. And you're just in time to watch!"

"No way! I will stop you!" Girl replied.

"Oh, really? Come, electric sausages. Destroy him!" Jarldorf replied, using some evil magic to summon some pancakes. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat... he was hungry. After a quick dinner, he summoned some electric sausages. The electric sausages crackled as they hopped towards Girl. He was unarmed, since he did not have the Sword of Lime. But suddenly, Princess Watering Can teleported to Girl.

"Here, take this!" The princess responded. She bestowed a watering can upon Girl... a watering can with the power to turn things into cheese. You can see where this is going... or can you? No, you can't, because Girl was suddenly teleported to the planet Djbouti.

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The scorching suns... and daughters of Djbouti made the land inhospitable for all except its inhabitants, who were all three-headed monkeys with ADD. Well, okay, not all of them... some had four heads. Yay. Girl traversed the desert slowly, using the watering can to turn all the nearby teapots into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Girl reached the town of akfanabalabababababate, which was under the control of Jarldorf now. Unfortunately, this meant that all the TV stations broadcasted Fox and only Fox. And to free akfanabalabababababate from the evil tyranny of the Fox network, Girl had to defeat the evil... okay, not really evil, just slightly mischevious Donkey Kong. And to do this, he had to dodge all the barrels that Donkey Kong threw. Of course, there was a hammer there. Girl grabbed the hammer and started swinging it around haphazardly while chasing Donkey Kong through akfanabalabababababate. Eventually, Girl caught Donkey Kong and defeated him. But not before destroying the entire town of akfanabalabababababate. It turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

The residents of akfanabalabababababate were furious with Girl. So they chased him throughout the scorching deserts of planet Djbouti, until he arrived in -3. This was the capital city of the planet Djbouti. -3 was a very very large city, but it only had one movie theater. For a town that size, it sucked. Seriously.

In the city of -3, there dwelt powerful, powerful Snowlaxes. No, not Snorlaxes, Snowlaxes. That's right. And they were at level 255 and knew how to drive convertibles. And Girl had to defeat them all. Considering they had the magical property of not being able to become cheese, Girl was screwed over, considering his only weapon was a watering can that turned things into cheese. But the Snowlaxes were very ticklish. Naturally, princess Watering Can told Girl of the weakness those Snowlaxes had. They were ticklish. Princess Watering Can bestowed upon Girl the magical... tickling device, which looked like a mushroom.

Girl tickled the Snowlaxes until they fell over laughing. Then they were unable to battle, and Girl was declared the winner. Thus, for some reason, this freed the residents of -3 from the tyranny of the Snowlaxes. The residents of -3 bestowed lots of cheese upon Girl. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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No.

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Girl was somehow teleported back to the Temple of Lime. There were many many electric sausages there, each one crackling and hopping wildly. No one was ready for Girl, however, who mysteriously had acquired rabid Plusle minions. The rabid Plusles were armed with banana-shooting flamethrowers of doom, which blew the electric sausages away. Girl was then ready to face Boy one on one for supreme conquest. Girl had only the magical tickling device and the watering can, while Boy had the Sword of Lime. They were not perfectly matched, as the Sword of Lime was the source of the best damn salsa in town.

Princess Watering Can appeared in front of Girl once again. This time, she offered him a weapon equally powerful - the Master Sword... stolen from Link. Link looked around for his Master Sword... poor Link. He didn't know that Girl was using it in the Temple of Lime. Oh well.

Girl and Boy clashed swords amidst the temple grounds. Boy easily slaughtered Girl... but Girl had an extra life, and so was able to start from the beginning of the battle. Girl and Boy fought for many hours, though this was because Girl paused the game to go out to eat dinner. Girl implemented the magical tickling device. Boy was tickled slightly. Nothing else happened. Then Girl hit Boy over the head with the watering can. That hurt. Yes, it hurt. Though Boy didn't turn into a piece of cheese since Gengar was half Poison-type.

Both Girl and Boy were on their final lives, and had no continues left. In addition, both of them were at 1 HP. The next hit from either of them would kill the other, and give the Sword of Lime to the winner. The winner could then use it to defeat Jarldorf... or conquer the world. Who won the battle? We shall see... on the next af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA...

TO BE CONTINUED

[Sike Saner]

THE BEST DAMN SALSA IN TOWWWWWWWWN!!!!!111111oneone

...Yeah.

I liked the random animal jabber that kept popping up. And also, those two shady, mysterious figures were seriously awesome and fascinating. They should get their very own full-length feature film. It'd be frelling epic, man...

No one likes a quitter. No one likes a quitter. No one likes a quitter.

Pluggy does.

No, this was the Temple of Lime, home of the Wombats, a renouned curling team. What's curling, you ask? Well, if you don't know what curling is, consider yourself lucky.

Then I guess I'm not lucky. Phooey.

Anyway, the temple was decorated in cheese statues and its surface was very, very hairy.

I wonder, are these statues of cheese, statues made of cheese, or statues of cheese that are made of cheese? o.o

Once he got to the mount, he pulled the sword from the mount... and transformed into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

That would make one hell of a security system, you know? Any random person that tries to stroll up and take your valuables turns into a piece of cheese, and what one would naturally expect to follow something's being turned into cheese follows. Sounds pretty effective.

What? Were you expecting the young boy to be frozen in time seven years and transformed into a dashing young elfish man, the subject of many a crush from Zelda fangirls? Well, if so, you don't know the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles very well. Hell, expecting anything BUT something turning into cheese is a sign that you should read the other af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles entries, preferrably before starting on this one.

Alternately, one can read a phone book from anywhere in Indiana. No, it wouldn't be of any help in understanding The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, but it is nonetheless something that one can alternately do.

In his hand, Girl wielded the Sword of Lime, the sword of your mother-in-law's bane, and also of the best damn salsa in town. That's right. The BEST damn salsa in town.

Oh snap. o.o That is pretty damn impressive.

The evil sorcerer, Jarldorf, who by the way has no relation to Ganondorf in any way, other than both of them containing the suffix -dorf at the end of their names, sat atop Mt. Mountain.

Now, Dorfdorf, on the other hand, has everything to do with Ganondorf.

And he knew that this sword spelt doom for him. Never mind that it spelt 'doom' with a q, it still spelt doom for him.

The spelling that uses a "q" is in fact the correct spelling of "doom", actually. What's really interesting about that spelling is that to the untrained eye, the "q" can't even be seen. But trust me, it's there.

Cute little purple kitty named Bob. There's also a Zebra.

The Zebra was also named Bob, but was neither purple nor cute. Not cute at all, in fact.

Dirty silver buckets. Oh, look, a snowball!

Ew, did you find that snowball in the dirty silver bucket? O~o Don't pick it up. It's dirty.

Did you know that I have toes?

No, but Pluggy did.

"Don't worry... I didn't forget the cheese log."

"I'm sorry, but I can't blow my nose with a piece of cheese. And I don't believe that my snot tastes very good either."

The shady, mysterious figures both shuffled their feet nervously. Neither of them had anything to do with the story... moving on.

Good, the cheese log didn't get all snotted up. Lucky cheese log. I wish I was lucky. But nooooooooo, I know what curling is, so I have no hope whatsoever!

It was here where Jarldorf began to implement his evil plan... He chopped down a tree, and then turned it into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

No, that was not part of his evil plan.

Well, I'm glad he bothered to take the time to make some tree-cheese. That was considerate of him.

Except it wasn't very considerate towards the tree. Oh well.

*cough* Buy me a snowphone *cough*

No. :<

Boy had secretly conspired with Jarldorf... in exchange for world domination, Jarldorf would receive conquest over the planet Djbouti, where the sun is too bright because there are three of them.

The other two suns aren't really all that bright at all. It's just that their presence really pisses off the first sun, which consequently shines brutally brightly out of rage.

CAUTION!

May be harmful if inhaled. May cause irritation. Inhalation may cause irritation, caughing, and acute pneumoconiosis from overwhelming exposure to silica dust. May cause a rapidly developing pulmonary insufficiency, labored breathing, tachypnea and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a short survival time. More frquently, after ten to twenty-five years exposute, labored breathing, dry cough, chest pain, decreased vital capacity, and diminished chest expansion may occur and progress to marked fatigue, extreme labored breathing and cyanosis, anorexia, cough with stringy mucous, pleauratic pain, and incapacity to work. Death may result from cardiac failure or destruction of lung tissue with resultant anorexia. Has caused tumorigenci effects in laboratory animals. Skin contact may cause irritation and dermatitis. Eye contact may cause redness, irritation, and conjunctivitis. Target organs affected: Eyes, skin, and mucous membranes. Provide local exhaust ventilation and/or general dilution ventilation to meet published limits, or use of recommended NIOSH respirators listed in Material Safety Data Sheet.

That warning appears on every bag of Toby's Party Mix.

The evil spider monkeys were armed... with... things... that caused stuff to happen. That's right, stuff. And when the things were used, stuff did happen. Oh yes.

Seriously, stuff? Damn. o_o

"Aaaaah, stuff's happening!" Girl exclaimed.

OH NOES! XD

He drew his Sword of Lime. He drew it on a piece of parchment using crayons.

*another rimshot sounds*

"No problem, Boy!" Girl replied back while running away from stuff.

Impressive. o_o It takes a real athlete to be able to run away from stuff, you know.

So, when stuff happened, utter chaos ensued. Everyone and everything... remained absolutely the same. Then nothing happened. Yay.

THE HORROR!

But gone, however, was the Sword of Lime. Boy had taken it amidst the chaos of cheese-eating and... nothing else happening.

Yes, that is indeed the perfect cover for escaping with the Sword of Lime.

Harry Potter.

...Really, now. :|

Princess Watering Can appeared in front of Girl. She began to speak very softly, while carrying a big stick. No, not because of the saying. Because... well, she felt like it.

Huh, I'd thought it was because of science. Yeah, the italicized kind.

He took the Ocarina that was bestowed upon him. It turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"D'oh!" Princess Watering Can shook her head, then gave him a backup copy of the Ocarina of Lime. Legendary artifacts don't normally have backup copies, but the creators of this one were smart and actually thought things through.

Good for them!

"Now, you must play the Song of Lime, which will teleport you to the Temple of Lime. There you will find Boy and Jarldorf. They are conspiring against us as we speak, and taking over the world, one salsa lover at a time."

"Uhh... how do I play the Song of Lime?" Girl asked.

"It sounds just like the Song of Time, only you have to twirl while singing it."

"Uhh... but isn't that copyright infringement?" Girl asked.

"Naah... we have clever lawyers." The princess responded.

So Girl began to play Mary had a Little Lamb on the Ocarina. Nothing happened. He then began to play the Barney song. Nothing happened. He then began to play the Kablingy song while dancing the Kablingy dance with Princess Watering Can. Nothing happened. Princess Watering Can put her hand on her forehead and sighed.

"Play the damn Song of Lime already!" the princess yelled.

I love how he starts playing all this random stuff that's not the Song of Lime after being explicitly told that he must play the Song of Lime. XP

A couple of trees turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Whoo-hoo, more tree-cheese. Yay, cheese--but damn, poor trees...

"Oh, really? Come, electric sausages. Destroy him!" Jarldorf replied, using some evil magic to summon some pancakes. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat... he was hungry. After a quick dinner, he summoned some electric sausages.

XD

"Here, take this!" The princess responded. She bestowed a watering can upon Girl... a watering can with the power to turn things into cheese. You can see where this is going... or can you? No, you can't, because Girl was suddenly teleported to the planet Djbouti.

Don't you tell me what I can and can't see! >:o

So they chased him throughout the scorching deserts of planet Djbouti, until he arrived in -3. This was the capital city of the planet Djbouti. -3 was a very very large city, but it only had one movie theater. For a town that size, it sucked. Seriously.

On the plus side, it does have a video rental place on every street corner. Literally. Every street corner.

No.

;-;

Girl had only the magical tickling device and the watering can, while Boy had the Sword of Lime. They were not perfectly matched, as the Sword of Lime was the source of the best damn salsa in town.

That is a pretty significant advantage... o.o

This time, she offered him a weapon equally powerful - the Master Sword... stolen from Link. Link looked around for his Master Sword... poor Link. He didn't know that Girl was using it in the Temple of Lime. Oh well.

XD

Girl and Boy clashed swords amidst the temple grounds. Boy easily slaughtered Girl... but Girl had an extra life, and so was able to start from the beginning of the battle. Girl and Boy fought for many hours, though this was because Girl paused the game to go out to eat dinner.

Boy should have snuck over and pushed the reset button while Girl was out getting dinner. XP

Girl implemented the magical tickling device. Boy was tickled slightly. Nothing else happened.

XD

Though Boy didn't turn into a piece of cheese since Gengar was half Poison-type.

I'd always wondered if Gengar being half Poison-type could prevent transformation into cheese. Now I know. Thanks. ^^

[PsiUmbreon]

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 4: The Empire Strikes Back*~

orange monkey cookies. The cow jumped over the moon. Why? Because. There. sjd;hg;asnhfadsjk;

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You are now signing off from MSN Messenger. All conversation windows will be closed.

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Harry Potter awoke from his giant toaster. All people with the power of af;lkjglk;uer sleep in giant toasters. Which explains why I've never been to Africa. Harry Potter does not have this power, however. Why did he sleep inside a giant toaster then? Because cows don't make people happy. Wait, they do. Oh well.

Today Harry Potter went to his yoga lesson to learn the best spell ever. He was to learn... how to spell booger. You spell it t-s-t-i-c-k-t-y. Little did he know that he was on a quest... a quest to find all the pieces of the Master Emerald before there's still time. Along with the members of the band Cradle of Filth. There was a member from SPPf named Horn Drill, Barney the Dinosaur, and Michael Jackson.

"Tstickty!" Harry Potter raised his wand. Michael Jackson turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Umm... that wasn't supposed to do that." Harry muttered. He then turned to Horn Drill and Barney the Dinosaur. "What do I do now?"

"There's a ticking time bomb on the floor!" Barney shouted. "Hyuk hyuk hyuk."

"But it's... turning into cheese." Horn Drill observed. The ticking time bomb turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"I swear it wasn't me!" Harry Potter screamed.

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Sally the transgendered Jibacoil hovered over to his/her/its Jibacoily buddy, AJ Flibble. Yes, that's right, he's in this too. And he's a Jibacoil. A Jibacoily Jibacoil at that. ^^

...What's that you say? Jibacoils don't have genders? Well, fnarf to you too. Fnarf. Wait, wasn't fnarf a character in an earlier installment of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles? I think so. Oh well.

AJ Flibble presented Sally a rabid Plusle. This caused Sally to get a name change. Sally was now known as Suicune619, but was still a transgendered Jibacoil. So the two of them talked and talked…

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To find the pieces of the Master Emerald, Harry Potter and the remaining members of the band Cradle of Filth went out in search of the Clapping Cardboard, a legendary item with the power to enslave pill bugs. Jibacoil.

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bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb 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bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbb

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So Harry Potter and his two friends------ *Harry Potter cuts into the story* “We’re not friends dammit!” he exclaimed. But just to annoy Harry Potter, I’m going to call Horn Drill and Barney the Dinosaur his friends. Yes. Yes I will. Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb. B. b,b

Yellow Jolteon Sherbet. Anyways, they continued on to find the Clapping Cardboard, which would somehow aid them in their quest that they don’t know about to find the pieces of the Master Emerald to restore balance to Hyrule before there’s still time. Suddenly, a sudden occurrence suddenly surprised the sudden group with its suddenness. It suddenly became a sudden coincidence that the sudden half of a banana is bigger than the northern half. Suddenly, Harry Potter became suddenly aware of the overuse of the word “sudden” in all its forms.

“Sudden!” He raised his magic wand. Nothing happened.

“Duh. That’s because sudden isn’t a spell.” Horn Drill pointed out.

“It is now.” Gandalf pointed out.

“I see. Sudden!” Harry Potter raised his magic wand one more time. Gandalf turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

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Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

1 Chronicles 1:1… no just kidding.

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So Harry Potter and his two fr------ *muffled* mmm. Mfft. Mm m mmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. Phlaggh! *subdues Harry Potter* so him and his two friends, the members of the band Cradle of Filth, journeyed on to Greenland. There, they searched forever and ever, hunting for that elusive Clapping Cardboard… only to find that Barney had it in his suit all along.

“No wonder I kept hearing clapping.” Harry Potter said.

“No, that was crapping.” Horn Drill corrected, holding his nose.

“It’sa me, Mario!” Mario exclaimed.

“tstickty!” Harry Potter raised his wand. White stuff came out, and Mario turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

So with the Clapping Cardboard in hand, Harry Potter did not know what to do next, as he did not know he was on a quest at all. *Harry Potter cuts in* “What? I’m on a quest?”

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SIGNATURE RULES


1. Keep pictures 200x200 pixels or Smaller.



200 * 200 is a damned big file, you don't need anymore than this, and you are being given TWO of these images. As long as the two edges do not exceed a total of 200*200 the picture is fine, anything exceeding it will be removed.

You can, use both your image files to make one large image, by using both images right next to each other.



If you have an image that is too big, and have no way of resizing the image your self use these tags to force it down in size

[img200] image link [/img200]

Since this only shrinks one edge, and not both, I suggest you use some kind of screen grab (Print Screen on PC, Shift+Command+3 on a Mac) to check the actual size of the image as it appears.

On a side bar, the following image (and other similar ones) must use the [img200] tag because the exceed the pixel size limit (the following example was posted using the [img200] tag):


2. No more than 3 outside pictures.

Images that you add from the Serebii.net archive, such as episode guide images, or sprites from the avatar list, will not be counted in this, as they come directly from the site server anyway. These 3 outside links obviously make up your image and banner limit.

NEW - NOTE: Using the same image more than once in a signature counts as using multiple images. The same image twice counts as two images, for example. Simply put, you have as many images in your sig as you have [img] tags.

2a. Give Credit Where it is due

Art Theft is no longer tolerated on the boards. If you have images in your sig that you are taking from web-sites, that are not made by yourself, you must give credit to whoever created them. This includes any images that you have been made in the Fanart forums.

3. No more than 6 links. (Does not includes Serebii.net/Serebii Forums ones)

Having too many links wont get your sig deleted, but you will receive a PM warning you to change it. If it's not changed, then it will be edited and random links removed until there are only three. This includes using pictures and banners as links.

NEW - You are allowed 6 links, but an unlimited amount of Serebii.net or Serebiiforums links. Just don't go overboard and abuse this.

4. No more than 1 Banner in a sig, no bigger than 468x100.



NEW - As long as the total number of pixels does not exceed 46800 (the multiple sum of both standard edges) the banner is fine, anything exceeding it will be removed. In the case of having no other images (ie, no 200*200 images, no sprites, etc) you can have another banner. But only one.

To surmise:
• 1 Banner, 2 images - OR -
• 2 Banners, no other images

NEW - NOTE: A banner has to have a minimum 2:1 width:height ratio. Examples:







Exception: If you have one image – only one, it will be considered a banner regardless of the ratio.

5. No Sigs with Caps purely, no text berating any person or any site or anything.

Insulting a member, group of members, moderators, admins, the webmaster, whatever, will get your sig removed and depending on the severity, a warning.

6. A Limit on Color.

If you can't find a colour that's right for you use this HTML True Type Colour Chart.

Use a maximum of FIVE colours, and remember that not all colours are visible on all styles.

7. No Large Text.

Size 1 - This is allowed
Size 2 - This is allowed
Size 3 - This is allowed
Size 4 - This is allowed in a very small amount, such as a name at the top of your sig
Size 5 and above - This is not allowed


8. No more than 8 smilies or Forum Avatars

NEW - If you want to put smilies or avatars in your sig, you need to find their exact url and use IMG tags to put them in. You are limited to a total of 8 COMBINED (for example 4 smilies, 4 avatars). If you want to list more than one team, then do it the old fashioned way. Make a banner or write their names down.

9. No Images saved in Bitmap (BMP) Format. No Large Animated GIFs

Bitmaps are massive files, and on Dialup, a killer in loading time. Please save any images you intend to use in your sig as JPEG, PNG or GIF. Programs such as Paint, which save jpegs as low quality, should use PNG format instead.

Large Animated GIFs, approximatly 500k or above, will also be removed. This includes those Rip-Offs from Anime which are very common in signatures. This also means that a total amount of animated gifs cannot reach over 500kbs. If you are unsure, find out the file size of each gif and add them together. If it's over 500, then it's too much.

10. No Unnecessary Stacking

By this we mean putting lots of information in your sig, with lots of space and new lines so it spreads out and fills lots of space needlessly. Put small images next to each other one one line, and don't make lists when you can use commas to separate words in a sentence.

NEW - The maximum height allowed is 420 pixels; this should allow plenty of room for whatever you place in your signature. Reference:



11. Only one spoiler is allowed in your sig

Also, keep in mind that anything under the spoiler counts as adding to "stacking," so if your sig is over the height limit with the spoiler clicked but not without, it's still against the rules.

12. If you are unsure, CHECK FIRST

Use the Get Your sig checked! Thread in the Newbie lounge to get a confirmation of whether your sig is OK or not, that way you can avoid getting it deleted.

13. What will happen to your sig

NEW - Strike 1 - Partial sig deletion where the part breaking rules is deleted, and a warning is given

Strike 2 - Complete sig deletion, second warning

Strike 3 - complete sig deletion and ban

Further breaking after the ban will result in longer bans.

NEW - Everybody please make sure you read the rules, and take note of the changes that have been made.

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So Harry Potter and his friends journeyed *Harry Potter cuts in again* “They’re NOT my friends!”

“Oh yeah? Well too bad. They are now!” I replied.

“We’ll just see about that.”

“Who’s typing the story, me or you?”

“You… good point.”

“That’s better. Now stop interrupting me before I make you turn into cheese.”

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Harry Potter and his friends journeyed from Greenland and on to Iowa, and then from there, onto neighboring Kentucky. Iowa does not neighbor Kentucky, but who cares? Then from Kentucky he journeyed on to Mauville City, New Jersey, Kansas, and finally to the Floating Island, where all the pieces of the Master Emerald have been all along. Orange. Red. Orange. Red. Make me a pizza. Orange. Orange. Fg;as;ldgjas;lr. 53.

“You can’t mix apples and oranges!” Professor Oak exclaimed.

“Huh?” Harry Potter was dumbfounded

“Man, where do all these random people come from?” Isaac Newton asked.

“I know, seriously… it’s like… hey, wait a minute, who the hell are you and what are you doing here?” Horn Drill asked.

“I’ve been here all along.” Isaac Newton replied.

“Oh yeah… duh. You’re also part of Cradle of Filth.”

So Harry Potter, Barney the talking dinosaur, Horn Drill, and Isaac Newton journeyed forth to the Master Emerald, which was needed to restore balance to Hyrule before there’s still time.

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*insert rest of story here*

THE END

[Crystalmaster Mike]

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 4: The Empire Strikes Back*~

Oh no's!

You are now signing off from MSN Messenger. All conversation windows will be closed.

Oh knows!

Today Harry Potter went to his yoga lesson to learn the best spell ever. He was to learn... how to spell booger. You spell it t-s-t-i-c-k-t-y.

Also, it helps to make the BEST dam SALSA in the WOLRD!

b^infinity

Equals 190.

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

A multi-purpose name.

SIGNATURE RULES

It rocks too.

10. No Unnecessary Stacking

Or stalking.

“You… good point.”

*insert rest of story here*

You should patent this. It's the ultimate answer to writer's block.

Godzilla in Pyjama's.

[Sike Saner]

Wow, that story sure had a lot of "b"s. (And if you think I just said that it was full of bullshit, then you're hallucinating punctuation that's just not there. XP) Gotta especially love those seven random "b"s there off by themselves at the end of that long all-"b"s section. XP

Hey, just be glad I didn't make any puns about bees, because Lord knows I could have. X3

And lol at the presence of the SPPf signature rules in that one. XD

orange monkey cookies. The cow jumped over the moon. Why? Because. There. sjd;hg;asnhfadsjk;

Can't argue with that logic.

You are now signing off from MSN Messenger. All conversation windows will be closed.

DAMN IT, NO! DON'T CLOSE IT! D8

Harry Potter awoke from his giant toaster. All people with the power of af;lkjglk;uer sleep in giant toasters. Which explains why I've never been to Africa. Harry Potter does not have this power, however. Why did he sleep inside a giant toaster then? Because cows don't make people happy. Wait, they do. Oh well.

Aww, don't worry--I'm sure that someday, you'll figure out why Harry Potter slept in a giant toaster. Don't give up! Chase that dream! You can do it! ^^

He was to learn... how to spell booger. You spell it t-s-t-i-c-k-t-y.

But of course. After all, as everyone knows, b-o-o-g-e-r spells "school".

To find the pieces of the Master Emerald, Harry Potter and the remaining members of the band Cradle of Filth went out in search of the Clapping Cardboard, a legendary item with the power to enslave pill bugs.

The power to enslave pill bugs is a legendary power, indeed. o.o

So Harry Potter and his two friends------ *Harry Potter cuts into the story* “We’re not friends dammit!” he exclaimed. But just to annoy Harry Potter, I’m going to call Horn Drill and Barney the Dinosaur his friends. Yes. Yes I will. Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb. B. b,b

Uh-oh, looks like the story's sprung a "b"-leak... o.o;

Yellow Jolteon Sherbet.

I've always been told to not eat the yellow sherbet.

Anyways, they continued on to find the Clapping Cardboard, which would somehow aid them in their quest that they don’t know about to find the pieces of the Master Emerald to restore balance to Hyrule before there’s still time.

ATHF reference ftw. 8D

Suddenly, a sudden occurrence suddenly surprised the sudden group with its suddenness. It suddenly became a sudden coincidence that the sudden half of a banana is bigger than the northern half.

And redundancy ftw. XP

Suddenly, Harry Potter became suddenly aware of the overuse of the word “sudden” in all its forms.

“Sudden!” He raised his magic wand. Nothing happened.

That seriously cracked me up, probably way moreso than it should have. XD

Harry Potter and his two friends journeyed on to -------- *Harry Potter cuts into the story again* “They’re NOT my friends!” he yelled, but to no avail, as I get sheer satisfaction out of annoying Harry Potter.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter? Harry Potter. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter! Harry POTTER!

Obviously you really do get satisfaction out of doing that, considering how many times you did that. XP

“tstickty!” Harry Potter raised his wand. White stuff came out, and Mario turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...

D8

So Harry Potter and his friends journeyed *Harry Potter cuts in again* “They’re NOT my friends!”

“Oh yeah? Well too bad. They are now!” I replied.

“We’ll just see about that.”

“Who’s typing the story, me or you?”

“You… good point.”

“That’s better. Now stop interrupting me before I make you turn into cheese.”

Yeah, that's definitely not an empty threat when it comes to these stories... XD

Harry Potter and his friends journeyed from Greenland and on to Iowa, and then from there, onto neighboring Kentucky. Iowa does not neighbor Kentucky, but who cares?

Yeah, to hell with maps! XP

Orange. Red. Orange. Red. Make me a pizza.

MAKE YOUR OWN DAMNED PIZZA! >>;

“You can’t mix apples and oranges!” Professor Oak exclaimed.

Yes, you can, and you can even make a pizza out of them. How it is that you can make a pizza out of them isn't important. What's important is that you MAKE YOUR OWN DAMNED PIZZA! >>;

[Goodnight Seadra]

I've been following this piece for some time and I say, this is something with all the randomness, cows, and cheese. XD My favorite part would have to be that fishing battle scene. George Clonney. XD

Will be still following this. ^^

[PsiUmbreon]

I think I will patent *insert rest of story here* as a way to end writer's block. It may not be pretty but it gets the job done. ^^

Anyway, I present to you, unfortunately without any mention of George Clooney, the longest (or shortest, depending on how you look at it) af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles ever!

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 17: TJDKAA!*~

This is the story of how tjdkaa met af;lkjglk;uer and how absolutely nothing of interest happened.

three hundred and two. Bologna. Ultimate spam attack! FLds;jl hgasdl;jgvf j;slkdfjLO fope;jfowe jkl;p3irujsdkmas;ldkvj f;adslkfj;rngjkdsjf;kLJ K:LJ:VK JAGORI!!!1111111

Ah, but I digress. It was a warm, sunny afternoon when the alien Dewgongs landed in the chocolate pudding.

"Zurfa. Zurf zurf?" one of them spoke.

"Zurfa zurf..." the other one replied, melancholy. They had landed in chocolate pudding... which abruptly turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Zurfa?" one of the alien Dewgongs replied, puzzled. The alien Dewgongs looked exactly like normal Dewgongs except for the fact that they were... alien. And they could only say Zurfa and Zurf instead of Dewgong. Why? Only the master of af;lkjglk;uer knows. Wait, there's no such thing? Oh well. No one knows then. Except maybe the number three. Go ask it.

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I love my Lapras.

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So the alien Dewgongs went and bought each other snowphones. Yes, that's the first thing they did upon landing on another planet, in chocolate pudding, which turned into cheese. They went to Radio Shack. But they didn't have snowphones. So then they went to McDonalds. They didn't have them either. So then... they went to Wal-Mart and found a million of them, because Wal-Mart has everything.

What is a snowphone, you ask? Well... I don't remember. Wait. It's a battery-powered banana. No, okay that's not it. It's an electrified juice box. No... that can't be. But maybe it is. Or maybe... it's both. Or perhaps it's a snowphone. Yes. THat's right. A snowphone is a snowphone. Circular definitions ftw. I win. Yes, I do.

Buy me a snowphone right now.

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Three hundred years later, tjdkaa came about. After it came about, it made an illegal U-turn into Jupiter, then while it turned yellow, it decided to contemplate the meaning of life. After that it ate a sandwich and called it a day.

No one knows what happened to tjdkaa afterwards. They only say this because they don't know. But no one knows for sure whether they don't know or whether they don't know that they don't know what became of tjdkaa? Or maybe they know whether or not they don't know about the fact that they don't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa? Who knows? Do you know whether or not they know about them knowing about tjdkaa? It sounds like you are pretending not to know that you know that they know that they don't know that they know about tjdkaa. Is that the case? Or maybe you are covering up the fact that you know that your best friend's mom's uncle's former roommate's second cousin's first husband's farmer's dog knows that you know that they know that they don't know that they know that they don't know about tjdkaa. Or maybe... I like cheese. Did you know that?

Well, it turns out that tjdkaa didn't know either, so it turned into a snowphone so it wouldn't have to think about itself. Did it? I just don't know. So I bought a snowphone so I don't have to think about it anymore, like all people who don't know whether they know that they don't know that they know that they know that your mom's best friend's shovel knows that I like cheese. Did you know that?

So what does this have to do with alien Dewgongs? Absolutely nothing. Moving on...

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Many people did not know of the whereabouts of tjdkaa, so they all bought snowphones. But little did they know that this was the plan of the alien Dewgongs all along. Soon everyone in the world would have snowphones... and then the Dewgongs will steal all your pudding! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ!

And so, the people happily rejoiced and began to chant "Tstickty!" while playing Beethoven's 5th symphony. Tstickty! Tstickty! And so, their pudding was taken. Nothing could stop the alien Dewgong's plan.

But alas, the Dewgong's plan was thwarted, as they didn't know about tjdkaa either. They thought they knew, but they didn't know that they didn't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa. And so the Dewgongs disappeared and then all the snowphones in the world turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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This is the story of how tjdkaa met af;lkjglk;uer and how absolutely nothing of interest happened.

three hundred and two. Bologna. Ultimate spam attack! FLds;jl hgasdl;jgvf j;slkdfjLO fope;jfowe jkl;p3irujsdkmas;ldkvj f;adslkfj;rngjkdsjf;kLJ K:LJ:VK JAGORI!!!1111111

Ah, but I digress. It was a warm, sunny afternoon when the alien Dewgongs landed in the chocolate pudding.

"Zurfa. Zurf zurf?" one of them spoke.

"Zurfa zurf..." the other one replied, melancholy. They had landed in chocolate pudding... which abruptly turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Zurfa?" one of the alien Dewgongs replied, puzzled. The alien Dewgongs looked exactly like normal Dewgongs except for the fact that they were... alien. And they could only say Zurfa and Zurf instead of Dewgong. Why? Only the master of af;lkjglk;uer knows. Wait, there's no such thing? Oh well. No one knows then. Except maybe the number three. Go ask it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my Lapras.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the alien Dewgongs went and bought each other snowphones. Yes, that's the first thing they did upon landing on another planet, in chocolate pudding, which turned into cheese. They went to Radio Shack. But they didn't have snowphones. So then they went to McDonalds. They didn't have them either. So then... they went to Wal-Mart and found a million of them, because Wal-Mart has everything.

What is a snowphone, you ask? Well... I don't remember. Wait. It's a battery-powered banana. No, okay that's not it. It's an electrified juice box. No... that can't be. But maybe it is. Or maybe... it's both. Or perhaps it's a snowphone. Yes. THat's right. A snowphone is a snowphone. Circular definitions ftw. I win. Yes, I do.

Buy me a snowphone right now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three hundred years later, tjdkaa came about. After it came about, it made an illegal U-turn into Jupiter, then while it turned yellow, it decided to contemplate the meaning of life. After that it ate a sandwich and called it a day.

No one knows what happened to tjdkaa afterwards. They only say this because they don't know. But no one knows for sure whether they don't know or whether they don't know that they don't know what became of tjdkaa? Or maybe they know whether or not they don't know about the fact that they don't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa? Who knows? Do you know whether or not they know about them knowing about tjdkaa? It sounds like you are pretending not to know that you know that they know that they don't know that they know about tjdkaa. Is that the case? Or maybe you are covering up the fact that you know that your best friend's mom's uncle's former roommate's second cousin's first husband's farmer's dog knows that you know that they know that they don't know that they know that they don't know about tjdkaa. Or maybe... I like cheese. Did you know that?

Well, it turns out that tjdkaa didn't know either, so it turned into a snowphone so it wouldn't have to think about itself. Did it? I just don't know. So I bought a snowphone so I don't have to think about it anymore, like all people who don't know whether they know that they don't know that they know that they know that your mom's best friend's shovel knows that I like cheese. Did you know that?

So what does this have to do with alien Dewgongs? Absolutely nothing. Moving on...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many people did not know of the whereabouts of tjdkaa, so they all bought snowphones. But little did they know that this was the plan of the alien Dewgongs all along. Soon everyone in the world would have snowphones... and then the Dewgongs will steal all your pudding! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ!

And so, the people happily rejoiced and began to chant "Tstickty!" while playing Beethoven's 5th symphony. Tstickty! Tstickty! And so, their pudding was taken. Nothing could stop the alien Dewgong's plan.

But alas, the Dewgong's plan was thwarted, as they didn't know about tjdkaa either. They thought they knew, but they didn't know that they didn't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa. And so the Dewgongs disappeared and then all the snowphones in the world turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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This story has been brought to you by the letter 8. And also by koogle blok. Not just any blok, koogle blok.

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TJDKAA!
Alien Dewgongs want your pudding
TJDKAA!
Koogle blok narp, no feeble gok booting.

TJDKAA!
Foop na na na na, jo mama no tama
TJDKAA!
Higgen barl fuuthie, kablingy tstickty!

TJDKAA!
Greenland is happy Sam.
TJDKAA!
Chocolate pudding is named Sam.
TJDKAA!

I have mad poem skillz
oh yes
Because I bought a snowphone
oh yes

TJDKAA!
Buy me a snowphone
TJDKAA!
The Dewgongs have a dial tone

TJDKAA!
banana banana, banana terracotta, terracotta pie!
TJDKAA!
Jagori kablingy, kablingy jagori, af;lkjglk;uer pie!

TJDKAA!
Feeve.
TJDKAA!
has slept!

TJDKAA!
I throw the coke cans forward.
TJDKAA!
Blekka blekka bleeb.

TJDKAA!
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
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SEC. 204. CLARIFICATION OF INTELLIGENCE EXCEPTIONS FROM LIMITATIONS ON INTERCEPTION AND DISCLOSURE OF WIRE, ORAL, AND ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS.
Section 2511(2)(f) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(1) by striking `this chapter or chapter 121' and inserting `this chapter or chapter 121 or 206 of this title'; and
(2) by striking `wire and oral' and inserting `wire, oral, and electronic'.
SEC. 205. EMPLOYMENT OF TRANSLATORS BY THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
(a) AUTHORITY- The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is authorized to expedite the employment of personnel as translators to support counterterrorism investigations and operations without regard to applicable Federal personnel requirements and limitations.

(b) SECURITY REQUIREMENTS- The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation shall establish such security requirements as are necessary for the personnel employed as translators under subsection (a).

(c) REPORT- The Attorney General shall report to the Committees on the Judiciary of the House of Representatives and the Senate on--

(1) the number of translators employed by the FBI and other components of the Department of Justice;
(2) any legal or practical impediments to using translators employed by other Federal, State, or local agencies, on a full, part-time, or shared basis; and
(3) the needs of the FBI for specific translation services in certain languages, and recommendations for meeting those needs.
SEC. 206. ROVING SURVEILLANCE AUTHORITY UNDER THE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SURVEILLANCE ACT OF 1978.
Section 105(c)(2)(B) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1805(c)(2)(B)) is amended by inserting `, or in circumstances where the Court finds that the actions of the target of the application may have the effect of thwarting the identification of a specified person, such other persons,' after `specified person'.

SEC. 207. DURATION OF FISA SURVEILLANCE OF NON-UNITED STATES PERSONS WHO ARE AGENTS OF A FOREIGN POWER.
(a) DURATION -

(1) SURVEILLANCE- Section 105(e)(1) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1805(e)(1)) is amended by--
(A) inserting `(A)' after `except that'; and
(B) inserting before the period the following: `, and (B) an order under this Act for a surveillance targeted against an agent of a foreign power, as defined in section 101(b)(1)(A) may be for the period specified in the application or for 120 days, whichever is less'.
(2) PHYSICAL SEARCH- Section 304(d)(1) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1824(d)(1)) is amended by--

(A) striking `forty-five' and inserting `90';
(B) inserting `(A)' after `except that'; and
(C) inserting before the period the following: `, and (B) an order under this section for a physical search targeted against an agent of a foreign power as defined in section 101(b)(1)(A) may be for the period specified in the application or for 120 days, whichever is less'.
(b) EXTENSION-

(1) IN GENERAL- Section 105(d)(2) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1805(d)(2)) is amended by--
(A) inserting `(A)' after `except that'; and
(B) inserting before the period the following: `, and (B) an extension of an order under this Act for a surveillance targeted against an agent of a foreign power as defined in section 101(b)(1)(A) may be for a period not to exceed 1 year'.
(2) DEFINED TERM- Section 304(d)(2) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1824(d)(2) is amended by inserting after `not a United States person,' the following: `or against an agent of a foreign power as defined in section 101(b)(1)(A),'.
SEC. 208. DESIGNATION OF JUDGES.
Section 103(a) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1803(a)) is amended by--

(1) striking `seven district court judges' and inserting `11 district court judges'; and
(2) inserting `of whom no fewer than 3 shall reside within 20 miles of the District of Columbia' after `circuits'.
SEC. 209. SEIZURE OF VOICE-MAIL MESSAGES PURSUANT TO WARRANTS.
Title 18, United States Code, is amended--

(1) in section 2510--
(A) in paragraph (1), by striking beginning with `and such' and all that follows through `communication'; and
(B) in paragraph (14), by inserting `wire or' after `transmission of'; and
(2) in subsections (a) and (b) of section 2703--
(A) by striking `CONTENTS OF ELECTRONIC' and inserting `CONTENTS OF WIRE OR ELECTRONIC' each place it appears;
(B) by striking `contents of an electronic' and inserting `contents of a wire or electronic' each place it appears; and
(C) by striking `any electronic' and inserting `any wire or electronic' each place it appears.
SEC. 210. SCOPE OF SUBPOENAS FOR RECORDS OF ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS.
Section 2703(c)(2) of title 18, United States Code, as redesignated by section 212, is amended--

(1) by striking `entity the name, address, local and long distance telephone toll billing records, telephone number or other subscriber number or identity, and length of service of a subscriber' and inserting the following: `entity the--
`(A) name;
`(B) address;
`(C) local and long distance telephone connection records, or records of session times and durations;
`(D) length of service (including start date) and types of service utilized;
`(E) telephone or instrument number or other subscriber number or identity, including any temporarily assigned network address; and
`(F) means and source of payment for such service (including any credit card or bank account number),
of a subscriber'; and

(2) by striking `and the types of services the subscriber or customer utilized,'.
SEC. 211. CLARIFICATION OF SCOPE.
Section 631 of the Communications Act of 1934 (47 U.S.C. 551) is amended--

(1) in subsection (c)(2)--
(A) in subparagraph (B), by striking `or';
(B) in subparagraph (C), by striking the period at the end and inserting `; or'; and
(C) by inserting at the end the following:
`(D) to a government entity as authorized under chapters 119, 121, or 206 of title 18, United States Code, except that such disclosure shall not include records revealing cable subscriber selection of video programming from a cable operator.'; and
(2) in subsection (h), by striking `A governmental entity' and inserting `Except as provided in subsection (c)(2)(D), a governmental entity'.
SEC. 212. EMERGENCY DISCLOSURE OF ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS TO PROTECT LIFE AND LIMB.
(a) DISCLOSURE OF CONTENTS-

(1) IN GENERAL- Section 2702 of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by striking the section heading and inserting the following:
`Sec. 2702. Voluntary disclosure of customer communications or records';
(B) in subsection (a)--
(i) in paragraph (2)(A), by striking `and' at the end;
(ii) in paragraph (2)(B), by striking the period and inserting `; and'; and
(iii) by inserting after paragraph (2) the following:
`(3) a provider of remote computing service or electronic communication service to the public shall not knowingly divulge a record or other information pertaining to a subscriber to or customer of such service (not including the contents of communications covered by paragraph (1) or (2)) to any governmental entity.';
(C) in subsection (b), by striking `EXCEPTIONS- A person or entity' and inserting `EXCEPTIONS FOR DISCLOSURE OF COMMUNICATIONS- A provider described in subsection (a)';
(D) in subsection (b)(6)--
(i) in subparagraph (A)(ii), by striking `or';
(ii) in subparagraph (B), by striking the period and inserting `; or'; and
(iii) by adding after subparagraph (B) the following:
`(C) if the provider reasonably believes that an emergency involving immediate danger of death or serious physical injury to any person requires disclosure of the information without delay.'; and
(E) by inserting after subsection (b) the following:
`(c) EXCEPTIONS FOR DISCLOSURE OF CUSTOMER RECORDS- A provider described in subsection (a) may divulge a record or other information pertaining to a subscriber to or customer of such service (not including the contents of communications covered by subsection (a)(1) or (a)(2))--

`(1) as otherwise authorized in section 2703;
`(2) with the lawful consent of the customer or subscriber;
`(3) as may be necessarily incident to the rendition of the service or to the protection of the rights or property of the provider of that service;
`(4) to a governmental entity, if the provider reasonably believes that an emergency involving immediate danger of death or serious physical injury to any person justifies disclosure of the information; or
`(5) to any person other than a governmental entity.'.
(2) TECHNICAL AND CONFORMING AMENDMENT- The table of sections for chapter 121 of title 18, United States Code, is amended by striking the item relating to section 2702 and inserting the following:
`2702. Voluntary disclosure of customer communications or records.'.
(b) REQUIREMENTS FOR GOVERNMENT ACCESS-

(1) IN GENERAL- Section 2703 of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by striking the section heading and inserting the following:
`Sec. 2703. Required disclosure of customer communications or records';
(B) in subsection (c) by redesignating paragraph (2) as paragraph (3);
(C) in subsection (c)(1)--
(i) by striking `(A) Except as provided in subparagraph (B), a provider of electronic communication service or remote computing service may' and inserting `A governmental entity may require a provider of electronic communication service or remote computing service to';
(ii) by striking `covered by subsection (a) or (b) of this section) to any person other than a governmental entity.
`(B) A provider of electronic communication service or remote computing service shall disclose a record or other information pertaining to a subscriber to or customer of such service (not including the contents of communications covered by subsection (a) or (b) of this section) to a governmental entity' and inserting `)';
(iii) by redesignating subparagraph (C) as paragraph (2);
(iv) by redesignating clauses (i), (ii), (iii), and (iv) as subparagraphs (A), (B), (C), and (D), respectively;
(v) in subparagraph (D) (as redesignated) by striking the period and inserting `; or'; and
(vi) by inserting after subparagraph (D) (as redesignated) the following:
`(E) seeks information under paragraph (2).'; and
(D) in paragraph (2) (as redesignated) by striking `subparagraph (B)' and insert `paragraph (1)'.
(2) TECHNICAL AND CONFORMING AMENDMENT- The table of sections for chapter 121 of title 18, United States Code, is amended by striking the item relating to section 2703 and inserting the following:
`2703. Required disclosure of customer communications or records.'.
SEC. 213. AUTHORITY FOR DELAYING NOTICE OF THE EXECUTION OF A WARRANT.
Section 3103a of title 18, United States Code, is amended--

(1) by inserting `(a) IN GENERAL- ' before `In addition'; and
(2) by adding at the end the following:
`(b) DELAY- With respect to the issuance of any warrant or court order under this section, or any other rule of law, to search for and seize any property or material that constitutes evidence of a criminal offense in violation of the laws of the United States, any notice required, or that may be required, to be given may be delayed if--

`(1) the court finds reasonable cause to believe that providing immediate notification of the execution of the warrant may have an adverse result (as defined in section 2705);
`(2) the warrant prohibits the seizure of any tangible property, any wire or electronic communication (as defined in section 2510), or, except as expressly provided in chapter 121, any stored wire or electronic information, except where the court finds reasonable necessity for the seizure; and
`(3) the warrant provides for the giving of such notice within a reasonable period of its execution, which period may thereafter be extended by the court for good cause shown.'.
SEC. 214. PEN REGISTER AND TRAP AND TRACE AUTHORITY UNDER FISA.
(a) APPLICATIONS AND ORDERS- Section 402 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1842) is amended--

(1) in subsection (a)(1), by striking `for any investigation to gather foreign intelligence information or information concerning international terrorism' and inserting `for any investigation to obtain foreign intelligence information not concerning a United States person or to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution';
(2) by amending subsection (c)(2) to read as follows:
`(2) a certification by the applicant that the information likely to be obtained is foreign intelligence information not concerning a United States person or is relevant to an ongoing investigation to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution.';
(3) by striking subsection (c)(3); and
(4) by amending subsection (d)(2)(A) to read as follows:
`(A) shall specify--
`(i) the identity, if known, of the person who is the subject of the investigation;
`(ii) the identity, if known, of the person to whom is leased or in whose name is listed the telephone line or other facility to which the pen register or trap and trace device is to be attached or applied;
`(iii) the attributes of the communications to which the order applies, such as the number or other identifier, and, if known, the location of the telephone line or other facility to which the pen register or trap and trace device is to be attached or applied and, in the case of a trap and trace device, the geographic limits of the trap and trace order.'.
(b) AUTHORIZATION DURING EMERGENCIES- Section 403 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1843) is amended--

(1) in subsection (a), by striking `foreign intelligence information or information concerning international terrorism' and inserting `foreign intelligence information not concerning a United States person or information to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution'; and
(2) in subsection (b)(1), by striking `foreign intelligence information or information concerning international terrorism' and inserting `foreign intelligence information not concerning a United States person or information to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution'.
SEC. 215. ACCESS TO RECORDS AND OTHER ITEMS UNDER THE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SURVEILLANCE ACT.
Title V of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1861 et seq.) is amended by striking sections 501 through 503 and inserting the following:

`SEC. 501. ACCESS TO CERTAIN BUSINESS RECORDS FOR FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE AND INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM INVESTIGATIONS.
`(a)(1) The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation or a designee of the Director (whose rank shall be no lower than Assistant Special Agent in Charge) may make an application for an order requiring the production of any tangible things (including books, records, papers, documents, and other items) for an investigation to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution.

`(2) An investigation conducted under this section shall--

`(A) be conducted under guidelines approved by the Attorney General under Executive Order 12333 (or a successor order); and
`(B) not be conducted of a United States person solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution of the United States.
`(b) Each application under this section--

`(1) shall be made to--
`(A) a judge of the court established by section 103(a); or
`(B) a United States Magistrate Judge under chapter 43 of title 28, United States Code, who is publicly designated by the Chief Justice of the United States to have the power to hear applications and grant orders for the production of tangible things under this section on behalf of a judge of that court; and
`(2) shall specify that the records concerned are sought for an authorized investigation conducted in accordance with subsection (a)(2) to protect against international terrorism or clandestine intelligence activities.
`(c)(1) Upon an application made pursuant to this section, the judge shall enter an ex parte order as requested, or as modified, approving the release of records if the judge finds that the application meets the requirements of this section.

`(2) An order under this subsection shall not disclose that it is issued for purposes of an investigation described in subsection (a).

`(d) No person shall disclose to any other person (other than those persons necessary to produce the tangible things under this section) that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has sought or obtained tangible things under this section.

`(e) A person who, in good faith, produces tangible things under an order pursuant to this section shall not be liable to any other person for such production. Such production shall not be deemed to constitute a waiver of any privilege in any other proceeding or context.

`SEC. 502. CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT.
`(a) On a semiannual basis, the Attorney General shall fully inform the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence of the House of Representatives and the Select Committee on Intelligence of the Senate concerning all requests for the production of tangible things under section 402.

`(b) On a semiannual basis, the Attorney General shall provide to the Committees on the Judiciary of the House of Representatives and the Senate a report setting forth with respect to the preceding 6-month period--

`(1) the total number of applications made for orders approving requests for the production of tangible things under section 402; and
`(2) the total number of such orders either granted, modified, or denied.'.
SEC. 216. MODIFICATION OF AUTHORITIES RELATING TO USE OF PEN REGISTERS AND TRAP AND TRACE DEVICES.
(a) GENERAL LIMITATIONS- Section 3121(c) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--

(1) by inserting `or trap and trace device' after `pen register';
(2) by inserting `, routing, addressing,' after `dialing'; and
(3) by striking `call processing' and inserting `the processing and transmitting of wire or electronic communications so as not to include the contents of any wire or electronic communications'.
(b) ISSUANCE OF ORDERS-

(1) IN GENERAL- Section 3123(a) of title 18, United States Code, is amended to read as follows:
`(a) IN GENERAL-

`(1) ATTORNEY FOR THE GOVERNMENT- Upon an application made under section 3122(a)(1), the court shall enter an ex parte order authorizing the installation and use of a pen register or trap and trace device anywhere within the United States, if the court finds that the attorney for the Government has certified to the court that the information likely to be obtained by such installation and use is relevant to an ongoing criminal investigation. The order, upon service of that order, shall apply to any person or entity providing wire or electronic communication service in the United States whose assistance may facilitate the execution of the order. Whenever such an order is served on any person or entity not specifically named in the order, upon request of such person or entity, the attorney for the Government or law enforcement or investigative officer that is serving the order shall provide written or electronic certification that the order applies to the person or entity being served.
`(2) STATE INVESTIGATIVE OR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER- Upon an application made under section 3122(a)(2), the court shall enter an ex parte order authorizing the installation and use of a pen register or trap and trace device within the jurisdiction of the court, if the court finds that the State law enforcement or investigative officer has certified to the court that the information likely to be obtained by such installation and use is relevant to an ongoing criminal investigation.
`(3)(A) Where the law enforcement agency implementing an ex parte order under this subsection seeks to do so by installing and using its own pen register or trap and trace device on a packet-switched data network of a provider of electronic communication service to the public, the agency shall ensure that a record will be maintained which will identify--
`(i) any officer or officers who installed the device and any officer or officers who accessed the device to obtain information from the network;
`(ii) the date and time the device was installed, the date and time the device was uninstalled, and the date, time, and duration of each time the device is accessed to obtain information;
`(iii) the configuration of the device at the time of its installation and any subsequent modification thereof; and
`(iv) any information which has been collected by the device.
To the extent that the pen register or trap and trace device can be set automatically to record this information electronically, the record shall be maintained electronically throughout the installation and use of such device.
`(B) The record maintained under subparagraph (A) shall be provided ex parte and under seal to the court which entered the ex parte order authorizing the installation and use of the device within 30 days after termination of the order (including any extensions thereof).'.
(2) CONTENTS OF ORDER- Section 3123(b)(1) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) in subparagraph (A)--
(i) by inserting `or other facility' after `telephone line'; and
(ii) by inserting before the semicolon at the end `or applied'; and
(B) by striking subparagraph (C) and inserting the following:
`(C) the attributes of the communications to which the order applies, including the number or other identifier and, if known, the location of the telephone line or other facility to which the pen register or trap and trace device is to be attached or applied, and, in the case of an order authorizing installation and use of a trap and trace device under subsection (a)(2), the geographic limits of the order; and'.
(3) NONDISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS- Section 3123(d)(2) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by inserting `or other facility' after `the line'; and
(B) by striking `, or who has been ordered by the court' and inserting `or applied, or who is obligated by the order'.
(c) DEFINITIONS-

(1) COURT OF COMPETENT JURISDICTION- Section 3127(2) of title 18, United States Code, is amended by striking subparagraph (A) and inserting the following:
`(A) any district court of the United States (including a magistrate judge of such a court) or any United States court of appeals having jurisdiction over the offense being investigated; or'.
(2) PEN REGISTER- Section 3127(3) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by striking `electronic or other impulses' and all that follows through `is attached' and inserting `dialing, routing, addressing, or signaling information transmitted by an instrument or facility from which a wire or electronic communication is transmitted, provided, however, that such information shall not include the contents of any communication'; and
(B) by inserting `or process' after `device' each place it appears.
(3) TRAP AND TRACE DEVICE- Section 3127(4) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by striking `of an instrument' and all that follows through the semicolon and inserting `or other dialing, routing, addressing, and signaling information reasonably likely to identify the source of a wire or electronic communication, provided, however, that such information shall not include the contents of any communication;'; and
(B) by inserting `or process' after `a device'.
(4) CONFORMING AMENDMENT- Section 3127(1) of title 18, United States Code, is amended--
(A) by striking `and'; and
(B) by inserting `, and `contents' after `electronic communication service'.
(5) TECHNICAL AMENDMENT- Section 3124(d) of title 18, United States Code, is amended by striking `the terms of'.
(6) CONFORMING AMENDMENT- Section 3124(b) of title 18, United States Code, is amended by inserting `or other facility' after `the appropriate line'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And so Harry Potter danced with rabid Plusles until there was still time. Hooray for the House of Representatives!

THE END. Or is it? Naah, maybe after I post more of the USA PATRIOT Act. Just kidding. THE END

[Sike Saner]

Zurfa zurf. Zurfa--zurf zurf zurfa. Zurf zurf zurfa zurf zurf zurf. Zurfa zurf zurf. Zurfa zurfa zurf, zurf? XD Zurfa zurf zurf, zurf zurfa zurf. X3

Zurfa zurfa zurf zurfa zurf zurfa zurfa zurf. Zurfa zurf zurf zurfa zurf zurfa zurfa zurfa, zurf zurf zurfa zurf. Zurfa zurfa zurfa zurfa zurfa! XD Zurfa zurf--zurfa zurf zurf.

This is the story of how tjdkaa met af;lkjglk;uer and how absolutely nothing of interest happened.

Sounds interesting. o.o

Oh well. No one knows then. Except maybe the number three. Go ask it.

No way. Number three is dirty. XP

I love my Lapras.

Well, good for you.

What is a snowphone, you ask? Well... I don't remember. Wait. It's a battery-powered banana. No, okay that's not it. It's an electrified juice box. No... that can't be. But maybe it is. Or maybe... it's both. Or perhaps it's a snowphone. Yes. THat's right. A snowphone is a snowphone. Circular definitions ftw. I win. Yes, I do.

Yes, you certainly do. ^^

Buy me a snowphone right now.

BUY YOUR OWN DAMNED SNOWPHONE! >>;

No one knows what happened to tjdkaa afterwards. They only say this because they don't know. But no one knows for sure whether they don't know or whether they don't know that they don't know what became of tjdkaa? Or maybe they know whether or not they don't know about the fact that they don't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa? Who knows? Do you know whether or not they know about them knowing about tjdkaa? It sounds like you are pretending not to know that you know that they know that they don't know that they know about tjdkaa. Is that the case? Or maybe you are covering up the fact that you know that your best friend's mom's uncle's former roommate's second cousin's first husband's farmer's dog knows that you know that they know that they don't know that they know that they don't know about tjdkaa.

Gee, you must really like to inflict brain injury, huh? XD

Or maybe... I like cheese. Did you know that?

No, but I knew that.

Well, it turns out that tjdkaa didn't know either, so it turned into a snowphone so it wouldn't have to think about itself. Did it? I just don't know. So I bought a snowphone so I don't have to think about it anymore, like all people who don't know whether they know that they don't know that they know that they know that your mom's best friend's shovel knows that I like cheese.

Buying a snowphone is unnecessary--shovels don't know shit, you see.

This is the story of how tjdkaa met af;lkjglk;uer and how absolutely nothing of interest happened.

Sounds interesting. o.o

Oh well. No one knows then. Except maybe the number three. Go ask it.

No way. Number three is dirty. XP

I love my Lapras.

Well, good for you.

What is a snowphone, you ask? Well... I don't remember. Wait. It's a battery-powered banana. No, okay that's not it. It's an electrified juice box. No... that can't be. But maybe it is. Or maybe... it's both. Or perhaps it's a snowphone. Yes. THat's right. A snowphone is a snowphone. Circular definitions ftw. I win. Yes, I do.

Yes, you certainly do. ^^

Buy me a snowphone right now.

BUY YOUR OWN DAMNED SNOWPHONE! >>;

No one knows what happened to tjdkaa afterwards. They only say this because they don't know. But no one knows for sure whether they don't know or whether they don't know that they don't know what became of tjdkaa? Or maybe they know whether or not they don't know about the fact that they don't know about the whereabouts of tjdkaa? Who knows? Do you know whether or not they know about them knowing about tjdkaa? It sounds like you are pretending not to know that you know that they know that they don't know that they know about tjdkaa. Is that the case? Or maybe you are covering up the fact that you know that your best friend's mom's uncle's former roommate's second cousin's first husband's farmer's dog knows that you know that they know that they don't know that they know that they don't know about tjdkaa.

Gee, you must really like to inflict brain injury, huh? XD

Or maybe... I like cheese. Did you know that?

No, but I knew that.

Well, it turns out that tjdkaa didn't know either, so it turned into a snowphone so it wouldn't have to think about itself. Did it? I just don't know. So I bought a snowphone so I don't have to think about it anymore, like all people who don't know whether they know that they don't know that they know that they know that your mom's best friend's shovel knows that I like cheese.

Buying a snowphone is unnecessary--shovels don't know shit, you see.

Koogle blok narp, no feeble gok booting.

BOOTING, BOOTING, AND MORE BOOTING! 8D

Higgen barl fuuthie

I'll have you know that that phrase was stuck in my head for the past few days. Not joking. XD

TJDKAA!
Greenland is happy Sam.
TJDKAA!
Chocolate pudding is named Sam.
TJDKAA!

Rhyming "Sam" with "Sam" = win. X3

I have mad poem skillz
oh yes
Because I bought a snowphone
oh yes

The same can be said of rhyming "yes" and "yes". X3

TJDKAA!
banana banana, banana terracotta, terracotta pie!
TJDKAA!
Jagori kablingy, kablingy jagori, af;lkjglk;uer pie!

And also of rhyming "pie" and "pie". X3

TJDKAA!
Feeve.
TJDKAA!
has slept!

PSIV reference ftw! ^^

I throw the coke cans forward.

That line seriously cracks me up. XD

[Darien Shields]

I started trying to read this, but couldn't get very far in... I'm actually a fan of humourous fiction, but I believe that a very important part humour to be contrast. Being "off the wall" is great, but there needs to be a wall in the first place for you to be... off of. Constant ADHD just makes the whole thing a bit of a wash. If you took bits and pieces of this and inserted them into a more serious narrative I think it'd be much funnier.

[PsiUmbreon]

Well, that's a shame. There are two types of people in this world: Those who like the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, and those who don't. I guess you fall in the category of "don't". It's just one of those things that there's no gray area in between.

Well anyway, flkjae;lkgjaslf. Also, here's a new one. It's a sequel to one of my old ones. tee hee.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 21: Highlight Princess*~

Previously on 24 I mean the af;lkjglk;uer chronicles...

Girl had just set food on the table to attract mice. The cowboys from -3, the capital city of the planet Djbouti (no relation to the country by the way) had just begun sterilizing the needles of your demise. Girl then built a spawning pool and spawned several Zerglings and prepared to rush the enemy base, but not before using the PileDriver Program Advance, which required three GunDelSol battle chips. This gave him 100 rings - enough for an extra life. A heart container had nothing to do with the story. So why did I mention it again? Oh yeah... I don't know. Three Super Mushrooms and a Fire Flower later, Girl obtained the Gravity Suit, which let him move through water freely. But after a bout with the Omega Pirate, Girl's suit changed into the Phazon suit. After using the Hero Crest on a Mercenary, Girl transformed into a paladin. Wait, that's not supposed to happen after using a Hero Crest. Oh well. Girl then defeated Dracula and obtained the Gold Teeth, which he gave to the warden of the Safari Zone. This caused Mew to turn into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Wait, none of that ever happened. Oh well. Previously on the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, Girl and his arch-nemesis Boy were down to their last life and had no continues left, and were at 1 HP. They were battling for the Sword of Lime, which had the power to cut through your mother-in-law while not eating a cheeseburger or singing the Uzbekistan national anthem. It also had the power to make the best damn salsa in town. Yes, that's right, the BEST damn salsa in town.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The souls of the heartless will rise again... and they will feast upon the depraved depths of all humans. This primeval massacre will sow the seeds of chaos throughout the land. And those seeds will grow into mighty trees of chaos which will consume all who dare threaten Lord Emmanuel. All who do not eat cheese will suffer. All who do eat cheese will also suffer. And anyone who can get past level 9 in Tetris will decay into nothingness. But alas, the trees will require fertilizer. That fertilizer is the young, supple flesh of 8 year old boys. Once the trees of chaos sprout, doom will befall us all! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Hm? What? Sorry, I dozed off. Anyways, back to The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Girl and Boy took their final swings at each other, Girl complimented Boy's body, and then darkness swallowed them both.

Girl awoke in the Temple of Lime. But to his dismay, everything was highlighted in flourescent yellow. He did not understand what was going on. Girl also noticed... that he was a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...
...
...
SYSTEM OVERLOAD! WARNING: SELF-DESTRUCTION IMMINENT. CONSULT THE PATRIOT ACT FOR MORE INFORMATION. OR DON'T. SYSTEM WILL EXPLODE IN... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... UHH... 1/2... 1/4...

"Oh, just explode already!"

*poof* the server collapsed under the weight of its own lack of comprehension.

Girl was now a cute little puppy. It had a collar on its neck for some reason. It also had this strange craving for... cheese. Wait, that's not strange. Not strange at all. Or is it? But then again, this is the af;lkjglk;uer chronicles...

A strange figure appeared in front of Girl. It looked like it was half human, half gremlin, and had half of a piece of cheese stuck to its nose. Wait, half of a piece of cheese? How is that possible? Oh well. The figure hovered in front of Girl.

"You have been swallowed by the Highlight Realm. Everyone in the Highlight Realm becomes highlighted and therefore cannot see because all the highlighting hurts their eyes too much. Except you, for some reason. You turn into a puppy."

"But why?"

"I just told you why. It's for some reason."

"Oh, that explains everything."

"Boy is also in this realm. As is Princess Watering Can. You must find them both. Boy is trying to make the best damn salsa in town, but in the Highlight realm he can only make guacamole. Uh, oh, shouldn't have said that out loud."

"What, she can hear me?"

"Duh, she's right over there." The strange figure pointed to the corner of the room, where Boy was working hard trying to make the best damn salsa in town but was only making guacamole.

"Huh? What? I can only make guacamole? BUT I HATE THAT STUFF!" Boy shouted, dumping the cauldron containing the strange green stuff out all over the hairy grounds of the Temple of Lime. She drew the Sword of Lime and pointed it at Girl. She drew it on a piece of parchment, and the parchment was pointed in the direction of Girl.

"Wait, who are you?" Girl exclaimed, but could only bark like a cute little puppy.

"Huh? I don't understand you. Say something besides 'bark bark', okay?"

"I'm a dog, what else do you want me to say?" Girl replied, but it sounded like barking to everyone else.

"What's that? You want my life story? Fine, I was born in... aah, I'm too lazy. So I'll just tell you who I am and why you're in the Highlight Realm."

"Thank Tape," Boy sighed with relief. "I hate when people sit down and tell you their life story in games. Like we actually care."

"My name is Midna... well, it was, but I was sued by Nintendo for copyright infringement, so I changed my name to Zelda. I was sued again, so I changed it to Jarl because I couldn't think of anything else. So my name is Jarl."

"Great, another Jarl," Girl barked.

“It’sa me, Mario!” Mario exclaimed.

“tstickty!” Harry Potter raised his wand. White stuff came out, and Mario turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"JAGORI!"

The cybernetic kittens all chanted. "JAGORI! JAGORI!" This word had been known by the legions of cybernetic kittens for many, many seconds, as I just accidentally typed it in up there a couple of minutes ago. Just like so long ago, when I mashed the keyboard in my LJ interests list and lo and behold, af;lkjglk;uer came up. Let's talk about af;lkjglk;uer. It has the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. Nothing else has both those properties. There is ajfg;lq4328, but that only has zklgaerlt. And let us not forget the various sdfja4s, which all do not have c.,lagshj. Oh, wait, I was supposed to tell you what does have c.,lagshj. Ah, screw it. Let's talk about cheese. I like cheese. Did you know that? Cheese is good. It melts when you microwave it. But it is not good with spandex. Yes, that's unfortunate. But I like cheese. Did you know that?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jarl disregarded the random happenings from other af;lkjglk;uer chronicles stories and continued. "Exactly Combusken.45 years ago, something happened which changed the world forever. It all started when cow crap was electrocuted on a stick by a group of dragoons, who then proceeded to sell smores for a low, low price at Wal-mart. Their punishment came quickly, as Wal-mart was taken over by a group of hostile smore-loving terrorists. But the anger, the hatred, the smores... they were still all there, after exactly 8.3 seconds. And now, it's all happening again. Only this time... it's personal.

All over dirty silver buckets.

That is why there are hostile smore-loving terrorists. That is why there are too many elbows made of cream cheese. That is why Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it, and why it tasted good. It is all over <s>thirty silver coins</s> dirty silver buckets. And that is why Ho-ho is now about to bury the world in Sacred Cream."

"Wait, Ho-ho is about to bury the world in Sacred Cream?" Boy asked, puzzled.

"That's right. I forgot to tell you. Apparently the writer of this af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles is recycling old plot devices. So the world is now threatened by Ho-ho once again, and it's all because of the dirty silver buckets."

"Well, that sucks. I don't want a world covered in Sacred Cream. Screw taking over the world now. We gotta stop Ho-ho."

"Wait, let me finish." Jarl insisted. "Those Combusken.45 years... well, they've evolved into Blaziken.45 years. And those Blaziken.45 years turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good."

"So that's why it's happening now, huh?" Boy asked.

"No, that's actually why I can't get a good tan. It's happening now because I haven't been to Africa."

"C'mon Girl, we gotta stop Ho-ho," Boy commanded.

Girl moaned. "Do I have to? I'm a DOG." But of course, all that came out was "Arf, arf."

After a nudge from Jarl, Boy headed out of the Temple of Lime. Girl followed Boy out of the temple. Jarl hopped on Girl's back and the three of them set out to find Princess Watering Can.

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.|' ' || . |'| | || || . || ||
|| ||''| | '|. | || ||''| ||''|'
'|. . || | ||| || || || |.
''|....' .||.....| .|. '| .||. .||.....| .||. '|'

SECOND OPINION


FAQ / Walkthrough
v1.1 Final, December 10, 2006

by Aaron "rmz" Ramsey
rmz (at) bemaniso (dot) ws



TABLE OF CONTENTS

VERSION HISTORY

INTRODUCTION

Introduction to Trauma Center [0.01]
What's New to Second Opinion? [0.02]
Controls [0.03]
Tools/Items [0.04]
Gameplay Overview [0.05]

WALKTHROUGH

Episode 1-1: Standard Procedure [1.01]
Episode 1-2: Learning the Ropes [1.02]
Episode 1-3: A Farewell [1.03]
Episode 1-5: Singing the Blues [1.05]
Episode 1-6: A Real Doctor [1.06]
Episode 1-8: Life or Death [1.08]

Episode Z-1: From Overseas [Z.01]

Episode 2-1: Dormant Ability [2.01]
Episode 2-3: Striving for Asclepius [2.03]
Episode 2-4: Awakening [2.04]
Episode 2-6: Just Let Me Die [2.06]
Episode 2-9: Please Let Me Live [2.09]
Episode 2-11: For the Greater Good [2.11]

Episode Z-2: Miracle [Z.02]

Episode 3-2: GUILT [3.02]
Episode 3-4: Something Precious [3.04]
Episode 3-6: An Explosive Patient [3.06]
Episode 3-8: Caduceus on a Plane [3.08]
Episode 3-10: Pandora's Box [3.10]

Episode Z-3: Pursuit [Z.03]

Episode 4-2: Race for the Cure [4.02]
Episode 4-4: Stepping Up [4.04]
Episode 4-6: The First Step [4.06]
Episode 4-7: Medical Research [4.07]
Episode 4-8: The Next Step [4.08]
Episode 4-9: Progress [4.09]
Episode 4-10: Prolonged Struggle [4.10]

Episode Z-4: Transplant [Z.04]

Episode 5-2: Under the Knife [5.02]
Episode 5-3: Shifting GUILT [5.03]
Episode 5-4: GUILT Evolves [5.04]
Episode 5-6: Infection [5.06]
Episode 5-8: A Devil [5.08]
Episode 5-9: Death Awaits All [5.09]

Episode Z-5: Sayonara [Z.05]

Episode 6-3: Relapse [6.03]
Episode 6-4: Second Opinion [6.04]
Episode 6-6: The Future of GUILT [6.06]
Episode 6-7: Fallen Heroes [6.07]
Episode 6-8: Vulnerability [6.08]

Episode X-1: Kyriaki [X.01]
Episode X-2: Deftera [X.02]
Episode X-3: Triti [X.03]
Episode X-4: Tetarti [X.04]
Episode X-5: Pempti [X.05]
Episode X-6: Paraskevi [X.06]
Episode X-7: Savato [X.07]

Ending [E.ND]

GUILT STRATEGIES

Kyriaki [G.01]
Deftera [G.02]
Triti [G.03]
Tetarti [G.04]
Pempti [G.05]
Paraskevi [G.06]
Savato [G.07]

CREDITS/LEGAL



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Version History
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

v0.1, 11/22/06 - FAQ started, filling in walkthroughs for up to Episode 6-6
since that's the farthest I've gotten so far. The remaining stages will be
added once I get to them... X_x

v0.2, 11/24/06 - Initial FAQ completed, still not complete but it's full enough
for an initial release. I still need to add details for the later missions, but
most of the content is there at this point.

v0.3, 11/25/06 - Added Triti tips from Ryn.

v0.5, 11/30/06 - Added 6.7 and 6.8 user-submitted tips (since I've been too busy
as of late to play at all, much less actually progress any farther). Added
space for X Mission strategies for future expansion (even though I know nobody
who has even cleared the first one yet). Also fixed a few typos.

v0.51, 12/01/06 - Added Paraskevi tips from Ryn.

v1.0, 12/03/06 - Added my own info for the last two missions. Added X Mission
info, strategies, and script elements. Thanks a million to Micah<Malkis> for
all of his extremely detailed X Mission information!

v1.1, 12/10/06 - X Mission strategies updated, added information about tool
degredation. Final version of this FAQ, more than likely.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex - Winnage says (2:24 PM):
Tim says (22:17):
Levski says:
I'm better than life than the average Tim.

But you fail at construction a sentence. GG.
Alex - Winnage says (2:24 PM):
Discuss.
Alex - Winnage says (2:25 PM):
I'm still laughing.
PsiUmbreon: Wow, that is a really big dragon you got there, Kaiba says (2:25 PM):
*pastes that in my af;lkjglk;uer chronicles*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do I look like I'm a horse to you?" Girl barked at Jarl. Of course, no one heard him. So Jarl continued to ride on Girl's back.

With the Sword of Lime in hand, Boy walked and walked and walked through the Highlight Realm. She was wearing sunglasses and so was immune to the effects of the Highlight Realm. She had no idea where Princess Watering Can was.

"Arf! Arf!" Girl sniffed the ground. There seemed to be a strange scent trail there, and from the looks of it, it led to the big huge ominous castle behind them. What's that, you can't see scents? Well, tell that to the makers of Twilight Princess, okay?

"Hey, maybe Princess Watering Can is in there?" Jarl suggested.

"I know that." Boy replied.

"Then why were you going the other way?"

"Because... I haven't been under the sea yet. Just once I would so like to go."

"Umm... you can do that after we save the world from Ho-ho."

"Wouldn't it be nice to float away on a cloud of bubbles?" Boy asked.

"...wait a minute. I've heard that before... oh no. The Highlight Realm is making you turn into Giddy!"

"Huh? Awww, dammit! We gotta find Princess Watering Can soon! Quick, let's go the other way!" Boy shouted.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After hours of traveling, it was now nighttime. Of course, everything was highlighted, including the sky, so no one could tell the difference. Girl followed the scent trail to the castle. At the front of the castle was Towellie.

"Don't forget to bring a towel!" Towellie reminded them. "Also, take this. It will allow Girl to transform back into a human." Towellie handed Girl a joint.

"Umm, no, that will just make him high as a kite." Jarl replied bluntly. Wait, that was a pun. Oh no. Feel free to shoot me.

"Oh, right, I completely spaced. Take this instead." Towellie handed Jarl a Cursed Stone stadium card, which causes all Pokémon with Poké-powers to receive damage counters in between each turn. But somehow it also caused Girl to turn into a human.

"Thanks, Towellie!" Girl exclaimed.

"You're welcome," Towellie replied. He then paused for a moment.

"...Wanna get high?" Towellie asked everyone.

"No thanks," everyone replied in unison. Towellie abruptly vanished.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Naturally, the door to the castle was unlocked, allowing the group easy access. I guess whoever is in charge of the castle assumed the monsters and obstacles inside would prevent them from getting to the end of the castle. Oh well, as a matter of fact they didn't. Boy clobbered them all with the Sword of Lime. They also found another mystical artifact within the dark, mysterious castle: Majora's Flask. It was owned by a guy named Majora a long time ago, and has the special ability to do... absolutely nothing. It's just a flask owned by Majora. So why is it mystical then? Well, you'll just have to find out.

They reached the highest tower in the castle, where in cliche RPG style, they found Princess Watering Can imprisoned... not to mention the evil Jarldorf hovering around, laughing as he greeted the travelers.

"Welcome to my castle. Oh, and I see the Highlight Princess is with you." Jarldorf greeted them.

"Huh? who's that?" Girl replied.

"I see Jarl there has told you nothing. She is the Highlight Princess, the ruler of the Highlight Realm."

"Huh, I am? That's news to me!" Jarl replied. "So why can't I make the highlight go away?"

"That's because if you could then the quest would be pointless and the story would be too short, duh." Jarldorf responded.

"Oh, right." Jarl replied.

"Less talk, more action." Boy drew her Sword of Lime. She drew it on the castle floor with a marker. Man, that joke never gets old. Okay, seriously, Boy had her Sword of Lime ready to do some more clobbering, and also make some more of the best damn salsa in town... except in the Highlight Realm it can only make guacamole. Jarl advised Girl to turn into a puppy dog again using the powers of the Pokemon TCG card. So after Girl did that, he barked at Jarldorf like a cute little puppy dog.

"Aww, how cute," Jarldorf sneered.

"Ummm... on second thought, change back," Jarl replied.

"Umm, yeah, good idea," Boy seconded as Girl used the power of the Cursed Stone stadium card to turn back into a human.

"Wahahahahaaaaa... take THIS!" Jarldorf taunted. He then launched a magical attack at both of them and Jarl, who was atop Girl's back. They both dodged the attack. "Oh right, protagonists have immunity to projectiles. I forgot." Jarldorf then pulled out... the Wind Baker, another magical artifact which had the ability to summon carrots which do absolutely nothing. It also has the ability to poke someone's eyes out. And so Jarldorf poked Boy's eyes out, but not before the Sword of Lime cut through his scrawny ass.

"Graaaah!" Jarldorf clutched his wound, a deep gash in his chest. "You have wounded me... I shall return later... when the story is about to end..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeble gok. a;ernnrrnr. ghsa;l tj. ha; lgns;lfjoa[. oafg j;alg ;asldfu apsoufoiewurowiuu8888 l. I like cheese. Did you know that? Rabid Plusles. Electric sausages. Schizophrenic Oddishes. Shining ketchup warriors. Kablingy. af;lkjglk;uer. zklgaerlt. c.,lagshj. GABBER TE HEHT! I couldn't tackle the bear. They took my stain can't shoot the cat. Jarl. *bzzt* not enough minerals. Spawn more Overlords. Insufficient Vespene Gas. You must construct additional Pylons. Additional Supply Depots required. Your forces are under attack. Nuclear Launch detected. Feeble gok. I've never been to Africa. Gengar is half Poison type. Did you know that? Did you know that? tstickty. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb. Jibacoil. bwehr. gnib. Aries Get. Koogle blok. SHIPOOPI! had;f a;klfj aqort uklv;na;opiufp0w9io erjokqlmr3iorip8ugermjvmdfv,sad.fnds. fsnma; fh al;wh;sdf l;ajrwioriiii la. co lr ija a ou o ir alv ma0qt cl ao jh;PUIO*r ; ;lllak j;lf jooon ;;al v num lock. r249 ;j 02 f ;a n ;f ;ajf; ari jrf;fbg;auiwoaeu rggh njapj kf jljll ;ar oia;fa, sdfauerii83 8o9 of of of oaof ojr;j klsjf ;ksdjf;lksadjflsajfa;ewoj raiwu23u 89pudskf l;fkjf lasnf; lkjwrk jsf 33. paper cup. Bellsprout. Bellflower. Compton. Lakewood. Long Beach. Norwalk.

1. a.a .
2. rhw3r
3. I like cheese. Did you know that?
4. Totally wild Jarl.
5. fty awpeoiut jaks;lgjaseroiu oewjtga
6. Scientific Method.
7. $$Q#
8. Jibacoil. ;462;
9. See #8
10. See #9.
452. a;f wio4e834...
-3. rtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtr

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three of them rushed to the aid of Princess Watering Can, who was chained to the wall.

"Aww, man, you ruined it." Princess Watering Can complained. "I was about to have some hot bondage sex with Jarldorf."

"What the hell?" Girl replied, puzzled.

"Umm... sorry, but we need your help removing the curse from this land and removing all the highlight stuff so people can see again." Jarl replied.

"What makes you think I would know how to remove the curse?"

"Because you're Princess Watering Can... that and I haven't been to Africa."

"Well, neither have I."

"Aww, dammit." Jarl sighed hopelessly.

"Wait... I can help you after all. Just... uhh... get me down from here."

So the three of them proceeded to unshackle Princess Watering Can from the wall. But first they sang a song about Diddy Kong Racing for the DS. Then they practiced balancing beach balls on their noses like seals. Then Girl played the Super Mario Bros. theme on the Ocarina of Lime. -3 objects in the room turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"Are you going to get me down from here or not?" Princess Watering Can complained.

"Okay, here." They finally got her down from the wall. "Now will you help us?"

"Fine. To get rid of the curse, you must seek out the legendary af;lkjglk;uer, which contains the properties of both zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time."

"Aww, but wasn't that the plot for the first af;lkjglk;uer chronicles... sorta kinda?" Girl moaned.

"True... oh well, what are ya gonna do? Lousy writers." the princess replied.

"So where will we find af;lkjglk;uer?" Boy asked.

"In the same spot it was last time... the Forest of Everlasting Butter."

Great, we gotta go all the way over THERE?" Jarl replied. "And how come my last line is missing a quotation mark at the beginning?"

"I think it's because the writer of the story intentionally left it there so that the character can humorously point that out. Yeah, that has to be it," the princess replied.

"Oh, right. Jibacoil turkeys!~ ahfw; laerhfoi awejf;lksdnc;kl sdjfljsfk;" Boy randomly squawked.

"Bellsprout feeve! aj;l4oooooao ha;f asdpfjk ;asklef. Girl replied." The window in the room turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"has slept!" came a voice from... somewhere. Oh well. The voice turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"By the way, if you play Stairway to Heaven on the Ocarina of Lime, it'll teleport you to the entrance to the Forest of Everlasting Butter so you don't have to walk." the Princess added. So Girl played Saria's theme on the Ocarina, did a little twirl, and they were teleported to the Forest of Everlasting Butter. There lied three hundred rabid Plusles. Why were they there? No one knows. Oh well. Let's talk about noodles. Oodles of noodles are good with poodles. Wait, no they're not. Oh well. They are good with seasoning. Then again, everything is good with seasoning. Wait, am I diverting your attention from the fact that they're playing Saria's theme instead of Stairway to Heaven and still end up at the Forest of Everlasting Butter? No, that would never work on someone as clever as you, now would it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a magic sandwich.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We have to go... in there?" Boy asked. "But it's a regular forest named the Forest of Everlasting Butter. I don't see any butter. That does NOT MAKE SENSE!" Boy frowned.

"That's true. I blame the Pope for this outrage." Girl added.

"But I thought John F. Kennedy named the forest?" Samus asked.

"I didn't say it was the Pope's fault... I said I would blame him." Girl replied.

"Hey, wait a second, where the hell did you come from?" Harry Potter asked.

"I could pose the same question to you," Gengar replied.

"So could I," Megaman added.

At this point, random characters took over the story and made it a quest to capture all 493 Pokemon while hunting the elusive Dark Samus and filling their chalice with myrrh.

TO BE CONTINUED... because it's 3:30 AM and I'm tired.

*poof* Jarldorf appeared. "Aww dammit... was I too late?"

"Yes you were, unfortunately," Samus replied.

"Who the hell are you?" Jarldorf responded, but his response was cut off as PsiUmbreon clicked the "Post to psiumbreon" button.

[Sike Saner]

You should be very proud of yourself. All the recycling that you did there will surely make a profound and positive impact on the well-being of our environment, and the very Earth will surely thank you.

Oh, wait. No, none of that's going to happen, sorry. But I'm sure that something else will happen instead. Things happen all the time, you know.

Girl had just set food on the table to attract mice.

That'll get you ants, too.

This gave him 100 rings - enough for an extra life.

*1-up fanfare plays*

A heart container had nothing to do with the story. So why did I mention it again? Oh yeah... I don't know.

I know why you mentioned it. You mentioned it in order to mention it so that it would be mentioned by way of its mentioning.

After using the Hero Crest on a Mercenary, Girl transformed into a paladin. Wait, that's not supposed to happen after using a Hero Crest.

YOU'RE not supposed to happen after using a Hero Crest. >>

Girl then defeated Dracula and obtained the Gold Teeth, which he gave to the warden of the Safari Zone.

How'd he manage to accomplish that much without running out of steps? o.o Though it does amuse me to imagine the epic atmosphere of a battle against Dracula ruined by "Ding-dong!" XD

Wait, none of that ever happened. Oh well.

... *throws shoe at you*

It also had the power to make the best damn salsa in town. Yes, that's right, the BEST damn salsa in town.

Few powers in the universe, if indeed any at all, are more desirable.

The souls of the heartless will rise again... and they will feast upon the depraved depths of all humans. This primeval massacre will sow the seeds of chaos throughout the land. And those seeds will grow into mighty trees of chaos which will consume all who dare threaten Lord Emmanuel.

Pfft, no frickin' trees are gonna stop me from threatening that guy all I want. XP

All who do not eat cheese will suffer. All who do eat cheese will also suffer.

*shrugs* It's only fair.

SYSTEM OVERLOAD! WARNING: SELF-DESTRUCTION IMMINENT. CONSULT THE PATRIOT ACT FOR MORE INFORMATION. OR DON'T. SYSTEM WILL EXPLODE IN... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... UHH... 1/2... 1/4...

"Oh, just explode already!"

*poof* the server collapsed under the weight of its own lack of comprehension.

Huh, so that's what makes them crap out...

Girl was now a cute little puppy. It had a collar on its neck for some reason.

Probably due to being a puppy.

Wait, half of a piece of cheese? How is that possible?

...I... don't know...

o_o

Except you, for some reason. You turn into a puppy."

"But why?"

"I just told you why. It's for some reason."

"Oh, that explains everything."

Everything, huh? Then why am I still confounded by the matter of whether or not it's possible for there to be half a piece of cheese? >>

...Don't answer that. u_u;

She drew the Sword of Lime and pointed it at Girl. She drew it on a piece of parchment, and the parchment was pointed in the direction of Girl.

*Sonic 3 & Knuckles continue music plays*

“tstickty!” Harry Potter raised his wand. White stuff came out

THAT WILL NEVER STOP SOUNDING HORRIBLY WRONG. D:

"Those Combusken.45 years... well, they've evolved into Blaziken.45 years. And those Blaziken.45 years turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good."

"So that's why it's happening now, huh?" Boy asked.

"No, that's actually why I can't get a good tan. It's happening now because I haven't been to Africa."

Yeah, duh, Boy. Anyone could have told you that. XP

Alex - Winnage says (2:24 PM):
Tim says (22:17):
Levski says:
I'm better than life than the average Tim.

But you fail at construction a sentence. GG.
Alex - Winnage says (2:24 PM):
Discuss.
Alex - Winnage says (2:25 PM):
I'm still laughing.
PsiUmbreon: Wow, that is a really big dragon you got there, Kaiba says (2:25 PM):
*pastes that in my af;lkjglk;uer chronicles*

And pasting that was a good call on your part, in my opinion--not because it was relevant to and enriching of the plot in any way, of course, but rather because *insert random reason*.

"Arf! Arf!" Girl sniffed the ground. There seemed to be a strange scent trail there, and from the looks of it, it led to the big huge ominous castle behind them. What's that, you can't see scents? Well, tell that to the makers of Twilight Princess, okay?

That even a dog can smell anything other than the fumes from all the highlighter ink surprises me.

...You know... the presence of all those fumes would explain the amount of sense (not) made by some of what everyone around there was saying. o.o Though wait, nah. That can't be why they're saying such things because that explanation makes sense. XP

"Because... I haven't been under the sea yet. Just once I would so like to go."

"Umm... you can do that after we save the world from Ho-ho."

"Wouldn't it be nice to float away on a cloud of bubbles?" Boy asked.

"...wait a minute. I've heard that before... oh no. The Highlight Realm is making you turn into Giddy!"

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

"Umm, no, that will just make him high as a kite." Jarl replied bluntly. Wait, that was a pun. Oh no. Feel free to shoot me.

Okay! ^^ *produces Cerebral Bore* ...Oh wait, that wouldn't work on you. XP

"So why can't I make the highlight go away?"

"That's because if you could then the quest would be pointless and the story would be too short, duh." Jarldorf responded.

Yeah, duh. XP

"Less talk, more action." Boy drew her Sword of Lime. She drew it on the castle floor with a marker. Man, that joke never gets old.

*Sonic 3 & Knuckles continue music put on earlier is still playing*

"Wahahahahaaaaa... take THIS!" Jarldorf taunted. He then launched a magical attack at both of them and Jarl, who was atop Girl's back. They both dodged the attack. "Oh right, protagonists have immunity to projectiles. I forgot."

XP

Jarldorf then pulled out...

*juvenile giggle-snort*

the Wind Baker, another magical artifact which had the ability to summon carrots which do absolutely nothing.

Fwee for carrot summons! 8D

Feeble gok.

...Koogle blok, Palkia's b--nah, I'd better stop right there. XP

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.

Good grief, another "b"-leak?! @.@ Damn. XD

1. a.a .
2. rhw3r
3. I like cheese. Did you know that?
4. Totally wild Jarl.
5. fty awpeoiut jaks;lgjaseroiu oewjtga
6. Scientific Method.
7. $$Q#
8. Jibacoil. ;462;
9. See #8
10. See #9.
452. a;f wio4e834...
-3. rtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtr

All this and more in every bag of Toby's Party Mix.

-3 objects in the room turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...Did he do that before or after the three things that had previously been cheese turned back into whatever they were prior to becoming cheese? o.o

Great, we gotta go all the way over THERE?" Jarl replied. "And how come my last line is missing a quotation mark at the beginning?"

"I think it's because the writer of the story intentionally left it there so that the character can humorously point that out. Yeah, that has to be it," the princess replied.

XD

"Bellsprout feeve! aj;l4oooooao ha;f asdpfjk ;asklef. Girl replied." The window in the room turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

"has slept!" came a voice from... somewhere. Oh well. The voice turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Fwee for another mention of Feeve! 8D

Oh well. Let's talk about noodles. Oodles of noodles are good with poodles. Wait, no they're not. Oh well. They are good with seasoning. Then again, everything is good with seasoning.

Poodles aren't... >>

Wait, am I diverting your attention from the fact that they're playing Saria's theme instead of Stairway to Heaven and still end up at the Forest of Everlasting Butter? No, that would never work on someone as clever as you, now would it?

No, it didn't, and I'm going to kick your sorry butt for that very continuity error because continuity is all-important, just as is having a coherent plot.

I am a magic sandwich.

Well, obviously.

"We have to go... in there?" Boy asked. "But it's a regular forest named the Forest of Everlasting Butter. I don't see any butter. That does NOT MAKE SENSE!"

And making sense matters more than almost anything!

[PsiUmbreon]

I sorta forgot about this place. heh ^^; Anyway, this is the, uh, I lost count installment of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles. Be warned of the copious amounts of Jarl contained within.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles -13: Jarl Wars: A New Jarl*~

A long, long time ago, in a Jarl far, far away...

JARL WARS
Episode 4: A New Jarl

A paragraph of corny text crawls into the window while you attempt to read it. It is exciting and tells you about what is going on. Stuff happened... and then more stuff happened! WOW! And then the text turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Jarl Skywalker had been on his bape cow farm, located in the middle of the desert of planet Djbouti his whole life. The planet Djbouti was an arid world scorched by its three suns and six daughters. His aunt and uncle, both named Jarl, had taken care of him since birth, and he'd lived the life of a bape cow farmer, doing... whatever it is that you do to take care of bape cows. His life was not an easy life, but he knew of no other life, and so he lived on and on and on, until one fateful day, when his pet robots, Jarl-3PO and Jarl2-D2, had disappeared, leaving a trail of footprints.

"Free food! I simply can't refuse." Jarl-3PO beamed with enthusiasm and a British accent. Jarl2-D2 whistled enthusiastically as both of them trekked endlessly through the desert for something they didn't need. Jarl-3PO's gold metal shell glistened in the sunlight.

"Ugh, that cleaning lady bot has been giving me the eye for quite some time. I'm so glad to be out of there." Jarl-3PO began to rant. Jarl2-D2 beeped and clicked a few times, then made a noise that sounded like farting.

"NO, she is NOT perfect for me!" Jarl-3PO replied angrily.

*beep beep beep click click beep whistle* Jarl2-D2 teased.

"I don't know why I put up with you at all!" Jarl-3PO stormed forward, with Jarl2-D2 struggling to keep up, as he could only roll on wheels, which was a nightmare through desert sand.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses, and all the king's men
Turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jarl followed this trail through the desert until the evening, where the trail ended at a Strange Cave, which allows each player to play Pokémon that evolve from a fossil down as Basic Pokémon.The robots had wandered off and entered his cave. Why? Because there was free food. Even though robots don't eat, free food enticed them for some reason.

"Hello, anyone there?" Jarl shouted as he entered the cave. His shout echoed throughout the cave.

The cave became brighter and brighter as he entered it more. It was not long before he saw Jarl-3PO and Jarl2-D2 sitting at a table filled with food, alongside some old guy who looked like he hadn't showered in days. Well, duh! He lives in a cave for Tape's sake!

"...Excuse me, sir... my robots wandered off and... well, these robots you have here... they're mine." Jarl shyly tried to grab the old man's attention.

"Huh? Oh, I see you've made it." the old man replied.

"Made it...? Huh?"

"It is the will of the Jarl that we meet here today," The old man claimed.

"The... Jarl?"

"Okay, you got me! I've been stalking you your whole life, and until today I had no way to bring you here. But somehow I knew free food would lure your robots here, even though they don't eat. My name is Jarl... Jarl Kenobi."

"Uhh... can I have my robots back?

"Wait. Listen... I must tell you about the Jarl. The Jarl is everywhere. It embodies everything, it is the essence of everyone. The Jarl is a supreme life force that presides over the universe. The Jarl..."Jarl trailed off as he realized Jarl had already left the cave with his robots.

"Oh... WAIT! The Jarl works in mysterious ways! Did I forget to tell you that?"

"AAAH CRAZY GUY!" Jarl shouted as he ran from the cave with his robots behind him. He hopped on his bape cow and headed home.

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Meanwhile... back at the Jarl... wait, what's that? Jarl Skywalker is already home? Oh, then I should probably break the bad news to him.

"Uhh, what bad news?"

"Well, your home was destroyed by Jarltroopers, and your aunt and uncle turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good."

"WHAT? NOOOOOO! I BET IT WAS THAT CRAZY OLD MAN'S FAULT! I'm gonna kill him!" Jarl Skywalker hopped on his bape cow. But as he was about to leave, that old man stood right in his way.

"It's not my fault. Jarltroopers came while you were away." Jarl Kenobi explained. "If you hadn't went to find your robots, you would have been toast too."

"But... why?"

"Come with me. I'll explain everything on the way."

"How'd you get here so fast?" Jarl Skywalker asked.

"Using the power of Talafap. It's like teleportation, only hideously misspelled."

"How do you know Talafap?"

"Only through mastery of the Jarl can you learn to talafap. Now, follow me to Jarl Eisley, where we can get the hell out of here, and maybe grab some hookers along the way."

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Palkia's balls.

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Jarl and Jarl rode off into the sunset on Jarl's bape cow. Along the way, Jarl explained to Jarl about the Jarl, and how he could learn how to use the Jarl as well. After one long night of travel, they reached Jarl Eisley, home of many, many Jarls. The two stopped and had a McRib and then went to a nudey bar. At this nudey bar there were all sorts of aliens, all of which had a different amount of breasts to show off. Jarl2-D2 gave an excited hoot, while Jarl-3PO looked towards the floor.

"Why'd you take me in here?" Jarl Skywalker protested. "I thought we were looking for a ship to get off Djbouti?"

"We are..." Jarl Kenobi sounded distracted.

"Well, we aren't gonna find a ship just looking..." Jarl Skywalker started walking around.

"Will you look at the headlights on that one!" Jarl Kenobi pointed out. Jarl2-D2 issued a couple of clicks and then an excited siren noise. Jarl Skywalker looked to where the perverted old man was pointing, only to be staring directly into some purple breasts. Three of them. He walked away, traumatized, not realizing he was about to bump into someone.

A man in a blue suit and a red tie, with black, spiked hair pointing directly behind him glanced around the room nervously as though looking for someone. Unaware of the young Jarl about to collide with him, he walked forward until something stopped him in his tracks.

"Excuse me!" Jarl Skywalker uttered nervously, looking up at the person he collided with.

"Honest, I'm here to question a witness! I wasn't looking!" The man responded right back, unaware of what just happened. "Oh, sorry!" He blurted when he saw that he had collided with someone.

"It's okay." Jarl replied. "Hey, sir, wait a minute, you dropped this..." Jarl picked up a gold, disc-like object from the floor.

"Oh, that! That's my attorney's badge! Thanks!"

"Attorney badge...?" Jarl replied with a quizzical look on his face.

"Phoenix Wright, Attorney at law. I'm only here to question a witness, I swear!!"

"It's okay..." Jarl replied, unsure whether or not to believe him. "Listen... would you by any chance have a ship? It's a long story, but we really need to get off this planet."

"Yeah, I'm just about ready to get off this planet myself!" Phoenix Wright exclaimed nervously. "Sure, I'll take you wherever!"

Jarl went over to Jarl Kenobi and pulled his robe. "Jarl, let's go. I found someone with a ship." He slowly dragged Jarl off. Jarl-3PO, who was also eager to get out of this place, dragged Jarl2-D2 along, who protested in a whiny beep.

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Phoenix Wright led them outside the nudey bar. Unfortunately for him, a green, sluglike creature, longer than a bape cow and with at least twice the weight of one was awaiting him.

"Maka no sala. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacckkkk!" It spat.

"I don't know what you're talking about! I don't owe you anything, Jarl the Hut!"

"Jo mama no tama!" Jarl the Hut groaned displeasurably.

"Hold it!" Phoenix Wright yelled. "When did I say I'd pay you back?"

"Marrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aa! Koogle blok!" It replied.

"Objection!" The nervous defense attorney pointed at the giant green thing. "I present, uhh... this?" He held out a photograph of his assistant from back home, Maya Fey. This did nothing to sway Jarl, who slowly rotated his head back and forth.

"That didn't win me any points with the judge..." Wright muttered to himself.

"MARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jarl the Hut bellowed more urgently.

"Take that!" Phoenix Wright then yelled. He presented a slip of paper dated yesterday, declaring that he would pay in 6 months.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"So, I'll see you later!" the defense attorney proudly eclaired.

"Eclair? Where?" Jarl-3PO eagerly inquired.

"I meant declared," Wright corrected.

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They ran (or rolled, in the case of Jarl2-D2) off to Phoenix Wright's starship, the Millenium Jarl. There his faithful, but mostly useless in court, companion, Jarl-baka, was waiting for him. They took off and left their bape cows behind like the dumb idiots they all are. Yes, you heard me. Coconut Jarl. I mean, Dumb Idiots. Never mind that the phrase "dumb idiots" is redundant. I said they were dumb idiots for leaving their bape cows behind, and I stand by it. Don't look at me like that!

Anyways, Jarl Kenobi began to teach Jarl Skywalker about the ways of the Jarl. Meanwhile, Jarl-3PO was playing board games with Jarl-baka, who was a little slow, but Jarl-3PO seemed to not mind, as he took plenty of opportunities to hit on Jarl-baka. Jarl-baka was of course too stupid to notice. Jarl2-D2 wished it could say something besides *beep beep whistle click beep beep click* at the stupidity of the whole thing.

In the meantime, Phoenix Wright was flying the Millenium Jarl well, which is surprising as he doesn't know anything outside of how to be a defense attorney. Oh and he knows about tulips and sunflowers. Yes. Tulips... and sunflowers. Wow.

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REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LARGE RED TEXT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
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"You must learn to use the power of the Jarl if you wish to avenge your family," Jarl Kenobi said.

"But... how do I do that?" Jarl Skywalker said.

"It's really simple. You must picture af;lkjglk;uer in your head. Close your eyes. Trust your instincts. And assume the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. Only then will you be able to use the Jarl."

"But... I don't even know what af;lkjglk;uer even looks like!" Jarl Skywalker protested.

"af;lkjglk;uer looks like that which contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time." Jarl Kenobi replied matter-of-factly.

"Um, yeah, real helpful. Why do I need the Jarl anyway?"

"The Jarl is incredibly powerful. For instance, did you know that in this story the word Jarl appears exactly 345 times? I would not have known that if it weren't for the Jarl."

"Um, and that's useful how?"

"...And the word Jarl will appear exactly 13 times in the next paragraph," Jarl Kenobi continued, ignoring his apprentice.

The Millenium Jarl continued careening through space. Phoenix Wright continued to steer toward Jarlderran. Jarl-baka frustratedly threw the game board at the wall, frustrated at losing to Jarl-3PO in a game of Jarl chess, after losing at Jarlrabble, Jarlopoly, and Jarls and Ladders. Jarl-3PO complimented Jarl-baka's strength, but Jarl-baka didn't care. Meanwhile, Jarl2-D2 wished it had hands. Jarl.

"See? That was 13."

"I still don't see how this is useful."

"In due time, my young apprentice. In due time."

"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"
yelled an unexplained noise.

"I said in due time, not duel time!" Jarl Kenobi corrected.

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"Hold on a second. Wasn't Jarlderran supposed to be here?" Phoenix Wright asked.

"...Oh no. It would appear to me that Jarlderran was destroyed!" Jarl Kenobi exclaimed.

"How do you know?" Jarl Skywalker asked.

"I used the Jarl."

"Are you sure it wasn't the pieces of planet over there? Or the breaking news story saying Jarlderran was destroyed? Or the sign that says 'Jarlderran was here'? Or the Jarl police investigating over there?"

"No, it was the Jarl." Jarl Kenobi's eyes shifted. "That, and I see what destroyed it right over there!"

"Is that... a moon?" Phoenix Wright asked, terrified.

"Yes... it is... OH GOD LOOK AWAY!" Jarl Skywalker exclaimed.

"It's... turning around!" Jarl-3PO pointed out.

"OH GOD NO THAT IS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING IN THE UNIVERSE!" Phoenix Wright exclaimed. "It's.... YOUR MOM!"

"Your Mom? Oh man she is uglier than I thought!" Jarl Skywalker replied.

"We appear to be... heading towards it!"

"I can't steer this thing away!" the defense attorney cried.

They were trapped. Inhaled by Your Mom's breath, the ship was out of control as it flew into Your Mom's mouth and finally landed in its stomach.

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"You're under arrest for trespassing!" A Jarltrooper stopped the ship. The travelers were taken in and imprisoned deep within the bowels of Your Mom.

"I'll get us out of this one," Phoenix Wright proudly consoled the group.

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The group was ushered into a courtroom. Phoenix Wright stood on one side, behind him, his clients. On the other side, an insane maniac with a whip glared at them. Shmekl. The judge, an old, bald guy with a long beard, presided over the courtroom. Gengar works pretty good here.

"Judge Fudge presiding over the courtroom. Is the defense ready?"

"The defense is ready, Your Honor." Phoenix Wright declared.

Jarlziska von Jarl, the crazed prosecutor, cracked her whip. "Fool. Vhat kind of prozecutor do you zink I am?"

"...Sorry." The judge cowered.

"I shall prove to ze foolish fools that zey verr picking zerr nozez in zerr mugshotz." The prosecutor claimed.

"That's not true!" Jarl Skywalker spoke, wiping his booger-encrusted hands on his pants.

"OBJECTION!" Phoenix Wright proclaimed loudly. "That has no relevance to Your Mom."

"Zen prezent evidence, you foolish fool who does nuzzing but pick his foolish noze!"

"I present... uhh... this... Suicune!" Phoenix Wright declared, withdrawing a Poké Ball. A reddish light emerged from the Pokeball and the shape of Suicune materialized in the courtroom.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNE!" The Suicune roared, shaking the courtroom.

"Vhat doez that proove, foolish fools? Zat a foolish Pokémon can shout "CUUUUUUUUUUUUNE!" at the top of itz lungz?

"Precisely!" Wright declared. "Don't underestimate the power of Nintendo!"

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She yelled, perspiring slightly. "...Do not zink I hav underestimated you foolz! I call to ze stand my first witness... PALKIA, GO!" The deranged prosecutor tossed a Poké Ball into the air. Palkia materialized onto the witness stand."

"Gagyagyaah!" Palkia roared.

"Vitness, ztate your name and occupation!"

"Gagyagyaah!" Palkia roared.

*headdesk* "Never mind. Just please testify already!"

The court paused as the testimony of the ruler of space began.

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--Witness Testimony--

Chicken Blittle

"Gagyagyaah!"

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*headdesk* The heads of everyone in the courtroom smacked into their desktops simultaneiously.

Mr. Wright, you may cross-examine the witness. "Judge Fudge replied, rubbing his head."

"Hey, your quotes were on wrong, Your Honor." Jarl Skywalker corrected.

"I know..." The judge sighed.

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--Cross-Examination--

Chicken Blittle.

"Gagyagyaah!"

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"OBJECTION!" The defense attorney yelled out.

"...?" Everyone in the courtroom responded.

"You say 'Gagyagyaah' like you really know what you're talking about."

Palkia nodded.

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY." The prosecutor replied.

"NO WAI!" The Judge added, assigning Phoenix Wright a penalty.

"That didn't go so well." Wright muttered to himself.

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One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix. One can prepared coconut pecan frosting. Three slash four cup vegetable oil. Four large eggs. One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips. Three slash four cups butter or margarine. One and two third cups granulated sugar. Two cups all purpose flour. Don't forget garnishes such as: Fish shaped crackers. Fish shaped candies. Fish shaped solid waste. Fish shaped dirt. Fish shaped ethyl benzene. Pull and peel licorice. Fish shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment shaped sediment. Candy coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish. One cup lemon juice. Alpha resins. Unsaturated polyester resins. Fiberglass surface resins. And volatile malted milk impoundments. Nine large egg yolks. Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes. One cup granulated sugar. An entry called 'how to kill someone with your bare hands.' Two cups rhubarb, sliced. Two slash three cups granulated rhubarb. One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb. One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb. Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire. One large rhubarb. One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb. Two tablespoons rhubarb juice. Adjustable aluminum head positioner. Slaughter electric needle injector. Cordless electric needle injector. Injector needle driver. Injector needle gun. Cranial caps. And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals. That will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

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"Your honor. My point has been made. Ze defense is too foolishly foolish to foolishly ztand against my foolproof testimony." Prosecutor von Jarl curtsied at the judge arrogantly.

"How's that? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too busy being delicious."

Jarlziska von Jarl was not amused. She proceeded to whip the judge. "I said, ze defense is too foolishly foolish to foolishly ztand against my foolproof testimony!"

"Think, Phoenix. Think. I have to do something." He looked at all the evidence in the Court Record, then looked at all the profiles. Nothing struck him as contradictory. But then... he had an idea. The idea turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. So he just presented his Attorney's Badge.

"TAKE THAT!"

"Ahh! Is that... an Attorney's Badge?" The judge was taken aback at the sight of the small gold badge pinned to Wright's jacket.

"That's right," The defense attorney nodded. "I am a defense attorney."

"...your logic is impeccable, Mr. Wright. I have no choice now but to pronounce my verdict."

"No! Zis cannot be!" Jarlziska got out her whip and whipped everyone, but to no avail.

"I pronounce the defendants..."
Not Guilty

Judge Fudge banged his gavel, and court was adjourned.

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"I'll get you next time, Mr. Wright," Jarlziska hissed. "Prezenting ze most useless thing in ze entire Court Record... "

"We're free to go, and it's all thanks to you!" Jarl Skywalker congratulated.

"Hey, wait, take me with you! I'm important... somehow." A white-robed girl was standing in front of them.

"You're..." Jarl Kenobi started to mutter.

"I'm Princess Watering Can, and I am coming with you because I'm tired of being inside Your Mom."

"Fine, but you better actually be important to the story." Jarl Skywalker accepted Princess Watering Can's request.

"...Not so *huuuuuuhhhhh* fast!"

"Huh?"

"You... must... *huuuhhhh* die!"

"Oh no! It's Jarl Vader! Head to the Millenium Jarl!" Jarl Kenobi shouted.

"Oh dear. The man with the breathing problems is catching up with us! I daresay we must hurry!" Jarl-3PO shouted.

"I'll hold him off. You guys start the ship." Jarl Kenobi directed the rest of the group to the ship.

"So... *huuuuhhhh* you wish to *hhuuuuhhhh* challenge me..." Jarl Vader spoke.

"I must allow them to escape... to advance the plot..." Jarl Kenobi replied. He then withdrew his Jarl Saber. It hummed with glowing blue energy.

"*huuuhhhh* No... *huuuhhhh* This plot *huuuhhhhh* must die *huuhhhhhhhhhh* It is *hhhhhhhhhhuhhhh* a blatant *hhhhhhhhuh* ripoff *hhhhhhuhhhhh of Star... *hhhhhhhhuuhhhhh*

He parried the blow from Jarl Kenobi's Jarl Saber. The Jarl Sabers clashed, humming pleasantly as they whizzed through the air at two miles an hour because the choreography sucked back then.

"*hhhuhhhh* die... already...*hhhhhuhhh*

"Not until they escape!"

"*hhhhhuhhhh* curse you... *hhhhuhhh* and your *hhhhuuhhhh* desire to *hhhhhhhhuhhhhhhh* advance the plot!"

Jarl Kenobi only smiled.

"Will you *hhhuhhh* die yet?"

"No!"

*hhhhuhhhhhhhhhhh* "Now?"

"Okay, sure, why not." Jarl Kenobi turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. Jarl Skywalker could only look out the window of the departing spaceship as Jarl Kenobi became cheese.

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Jarl is an American heavy jarl jarl founded in Jarl, Jarl in 1981. Formed when jarl Jarl Ulrich posted a jarl in a Jarl jarl, Jarl's original line-up consisted of Ulrich, rhythm jarl and jarl Jarl Hetfield, lead jarl Jarl Mustaine, and jarl Jarl McGovney. McGovney and Mustaine were later kicked out of the jarl, and jarl Jarl Hammett and jarl Jarl Burton replaced them. The jarl of Mustaine resulted in a long-running jarl between Jarl and his jarl Jarl. In 1986, Jarl's tour jarl skidded out of jarl, and Burton was crushed under the jarl and was killed. Jarl Newsted replaced him, although he left the jarl in 2001 and was replaced by Jarl Trujillo in 2003.

Jarl rose to jarl with its 1991 self-titled jarl Jarl, and jarl say the 1986 jarl Jarl of Jarl is one of the most influential and "heaviest" thrash jarl jarl. The jarl has released eight studio jarl, two live jarl, two jarl, nine jarl, and is working on a ninth studio jarl. Jarl is credited as one of the "big four" thrash jarl jarl, along with Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl. A jarl in 2001 was filed against Jarl for sharing the jarl's copyrighted jarl for jarl without the jarl's jarl. A jarl was reached, and Jarl became a pay-to-use jarl.

Jarl has become one of the most commercially successful and influential musical jarl. With over 90 million jarl sold worldwide, including 57 million in the United Jarl, the jarl has won seven Grammy Jarl, and topped the Jarl 200 four times. The jarl's 1991 jarl, Jarl, has sold over 14 million jarl, which makes it the 25th highest selling jarl in the United Jarl.

Early Jarl releases included fast jarl, jarl and aggressive jarl. When producer Jarl Rock was hired in 1990, some jarl and jarl believed the jarl changed its musical jarl for a more commercial jarl. With the jarl of Jarl in 1996, Jarl distanced itself from earlier jarl in what has been described as "an almost jarl approach", and the jarl faced jarl of "selling jarl". Despite reaching number Jarl on the U.J. Jarl 200, the release of St. Jarl in 2003 disappointed some jarl and jarl with the exclusion of guitar jarl, the "jarl-sounding" snare jarl, and the "raw and unpolished" jarl to the jarl.

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The Millenium Jarl evacuated from the bowels of Your Mom and into space.

"I can't believe it. Jarl Kenobi is gone. Now how am I supposed to learn the Jarl?"

"Trust in the Jarl. The Jarl will guide you." A voice echoed in Jarl Skywalker's head.

"Who said that?" Phoenix Wright looked puzzled.

"Oh dear. I must be hearing voices." Jarl-3PO was alarmed.

Okay, maybe that voice wasn't just in Jarl Skywalker's head. But either way, Jarl Kenobi was communicating telepathically from the dead using the powers of the Jarl.

"Shoot. Everyone can hear me. Oh well. You must fly to Jarl 4, one of the moons of Jarl, or else Your Mom will eat it too. And then it will eat the whole universe. There you can mount a full-scale invasion of Your Mom."

"Got it."

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*insert part here where they follow Jarl Kenobi's instructions*

*laziness*

*laziness*

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"Listen up. There are only 30 minutes until Your Mom swallows Jarl 4. We need to act fast. Your Mom may be gigantic, ugly, obese, smelly, stupid, and always hungry, but she has only one weakness. Well, two, if you count food." The commander of the Rebel Jarlliance invasion force briefed the audience. Jarl Skywalker and Phoenix Wright sat in the audience, as did the rest of the crew of the Millenium Jarl.

"You must hit Your Mom in the Jarl with a Jarl Torpedo. This is the only way to stop Your Mom from devouring the universe, for she is very, very gluttonous and will not stop until she has devoured the entire universe, and then she'll probably eat herself after because she's such a fatass. In other words, we are totally screwed. Now, MOVE OUT!"

"Oh man. Hit her where? With a Jarl Torpedo? That's impossible." One of the Jarlliance pilots interjected.

"No it isn't." Jarl Skywalker corrected. "I used to bullseye Jarlrats back home. They're not much bigger than her Jarl, I'm sure."

"...I don't even want to know what her Jarl is." another pilot added. The pilots all hopped into their Jarl-wings and took off."

"Wait, before you go... may the Jarl be with you." Phoenix Wright stopped Jarl Skywalker before he took off.

"You're not coming?"

"Nah, I'm not good at flying anything other than the Millenium Jarl. Besides, I'm not even supposed to be here. I belong back in my courtroom drama series for Nintendo DS."

"I... see. May the Jarl be with you too."

"I hope not..." Phoenix Wright mumbled under his breath, wishing he were back in his own storyline. "I've had enough Jarl for one lifetime."

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*laziness*

*laziness*

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A fierce battle had begun over Your Mom. Jarl-fighters had emerged from Your Mom to combat the Jarl-wings, and lasers came from the pores on her skin to shoot at them. Jarl Skywalker shot down a couple of Jarl-fighters. But the Jarlfighters were too numerous, emerging from every orifice on Your Mom. Jarl-wings went down like Jarls. But soon, Jarl Skywalker found the crack, leading to the Jarl of Your Mom, where Jarl must shoot a Jarl Torpedo for the Rebel Jarlliance to succeed.

Pursuing Jarl Skywalker was a sinister Jarl-fighter, piloted by Jarl Vader. Jarl Skywalker could only move a little bit left and right in the narrow space of Your Mom's crack to evade the lasers coming from the Jarl-fighter.

"Argh! I've been hit!" Jarl Skywalker screamed as one of the lasers made contact with the Jarl-wing. "Someone... anyone... get this guy off my tail!"

"TAKE THAT!"

"Huh?"

Laser blasts struck the Jarl-fighter that Jarl Vader was in. Jarl Skywalker looked up and noticed that the Millenium Jarl had fired those shots. Phoenix Wright waved at Jarl Skywalker. "It's all up to you to win so I can get back to my story!"

"It's... all up to me..." Jarl Skywalker repeated to himself as he came closer and closer to the Jarl of Your Mom. "Ugh... it's hideous. I can't see!"

"Jarl... Use the Jarl!" Jarl Kenobi's disembodied voice echoed in Jarl's head.

"Concentrate..." Jarl Skywalker closed his eyes. His Jarl-wing was careening fast towards the Jarl. He had only a few seconds. Suddenly, it all made sense to him. He saw af;lkjglk;uer, with the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj clearly in his mind, and he fired his Jarl Torpedo. It went straight for the Jarl and hit dead on. This caused a chain reaction. Suddenly, three monkeys on Djbouti sang about Swiss cheese. Three hundred Enteis ran away. Then, a bottle cap on the surface of Jarl 4 began to rattle as it twirled around. This bottle cap then became Jarl, then Jarl, then Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl, and then it turned into Jarlsberg cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Your Mom turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted... gross, like Your Mom.

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Everyone celebrated as Jarl Skywalker had saved the day. It turned out Princess Watering Can was not important to this story, but had to be in there somehow because... I dunno. Maybe she'll be important to the other stories. Jarl Skywalker was too distracted by all the celebrations to notice that, though, and didn't care cause Princess Watering Can was kinda cute.

"Oh dear. This female robot won't stop chasing me!" Jarl-3PO waddled away, as he couldn't really run, being a total sissy and all.

"Come here, cutie!" A female gold robot that looked exactly like Jarl-3PO waddled after him. Jarl2-D2 simply beeped as though sighing and wishing he didn't have that sissy as the only thing that could understand him.

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"I'll *hhhhhhuhhhhh* get you... *hhhhhhuhhhhh* for this... *hhhhhuhhhhh* Jarl Vader hissed as his Jarl-fighter twirled through empty space.

THE END

[Sike Saner]

How peculiar, that one seemed to really have something resembling an actual plot. o.o Of course, it was a plot that, to a significant degree, was lifted from a certain very famous and very popular science fiction film, but whatever. XP

A paragraph of corny text crawls into the window while you attempt to read it. It is exciting and tells you about what is going on. Stuff happened... and then more stuff happened! WOW! And then the text turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Frankly, I'm amazed that the text lasted even that long before turning into a piece of cheese and whatnot. X3

The planet Djbouti was an arid world scorched by its three suns and six daughters.

*a rimshot sounds*

His aunt and uncle, both named Jarl, had taken care of him since birth, and he'd lived the life of a bape cow farmer, doing... whatever it is that you do to take care of bape cows.

They're surprisingly easy and cheap to take care of after you've paid to buy them in the first place.

Jarl2-D2 beeped and clicked a few times, then made a noise that sounded like farting.

What a lovely description that was. X3

Jarl-3PO stormed forward, with Jarl2-D2 struggling to keep up, as he could only roll on wheels, which was a nightmare through desert sand.

Wheels work just fine on desert sand--if you just believe...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses, and all the king's men
Turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Finally, someone who knows how it actually goes. X3

The robots had wandered off and entered his cave. Why? Because there was free food. Even though robots don't eat, free food enticed them for some reason.

Probably because Gengar is half Poison-type.

"It is the will of the Jarl that we meet here today," The old man claimed.

"The... Jarl?"

"Okay, you got me! I've been stalking you your whole life, and until today I had no way to bring you here.

XD

Meanwhile... back at the Jarl... wait, what's that? Jarl Skywalker is already home? Oh, then I should probably break the bad news to him.

"Uhh, what bad news?"

"Well, your home was destroyed by Jarltroopers, and your aunt and uncle turned into cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good."

And again, I say XD And don't give me any crap about it not being possible to "say" an emoticon or else I'll put the smack down on you. Or rather, I'll have someone whose attack stat isn't comparable to a Chansey's put the smack down on you. Yeah! How do you liek the sound of that, huh? I'll bet you don't! So yeah, don't give me a hard time about what can or can't be said. Geez.

"How'd you get here so fast?" Jarl Skywalker asked.

"Using the power of Talafap. It's like teleportation, only hideously misspelled."

"How do you know Talafap?"

You win so hard for referencing that... X3

Now, follow me to Jarl Eisley, where we can get the hell out of here, and maybe grab some hookers along the way.

I... don't recommend the hookers from there. @_@;

Palkia's balls.

And Dialga's... well, you know. X3

Unfortunately for him, a green, sluglike creature, longer than a bape cow and with at least twice the weight of one was awaiting him.

To be specific, a Hutt of that size typically weighs in the neighborhood of 3.☻ bape cows.

"Marrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aa! Koogle blok!"

Palkia's balls, Dialga's--DAMMIT, STOP MAKING ME HEAR THAT RHYME, YOU! XD

"Take that!" Phoenix Wright then yelled. He presented a slip of paper dated yesterday, declaring that he would pay in 6 months.

XD

That's right, I said it again! SAID it! >8D

"So, I'll see you later!" the defense attorney proudly eclaired.

"Eclair? Where?" Jarl-3PO eagerly inquired.

"I meant declared," Wright corrected.

XD Good one. X3

They took off and left their bape cows behind like the dumb idiots they all are. Yes, you heard me. Coconut Jarl. I mean, Dumb Idiots.

...Uh, no, I distinctly heard "Coconut Jarl". >>;

Don't look at me like that!

You mean, like this?

Jarl2-D2 wished it could say something besides *beep beep whistle click beep beep click* at the stupidity of the whole thing.

Actually, I think *beep beep whistle click beep beep click* describes the situation quite eloquently.

Oh and he knows about tulips and sunflowers. Yes. Tulips... and sunflowers. Wow.

Hey, I think that's pretty damned impressive...

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LARGE RED TEXT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

Thanks for (literally) spelling that out for me. I would have never known that that was what I was looking at otherwise.

"...And the word Jarl will appear exactly 13 times in the next paragraph," Jarl Kenobi continued, ignoring his apprentice.

The Millenium Jarl continued careening through space. Phoenix Wright continued to steer toward Jarlderran. Jarl-baka frustratedly threw the game board at the wall, frustrated at losing to Jarl-3PO in a game of Jarl chess, after losing at Jarlrabble, Jarlopoly, and Jarls and Ladders. Jarl-3PO complimented Jarl-baka's strength, but Jarl-baka didn't care. Meanwhile, Jarl2-D2 wished it had hands. Jarl.

"See? That was 13."

...Is it bad that I actually counted along? XD;

"In due time, my young apprentice. In due time."

"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"
yelled an unexplained noise.

"I said in due time, not duel time!" Jarl Kenobi corrected.

XD

OH, MY GOD, I SAID IT YET AGAIN! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HUH? HUH?!

"...Oh no. It would appear to me that Jarlderran was destroyed!" Jarl Kenobi exclaimed.

"How do you know?" Jarl Skywalker asked.

"I used the Jarl."

"Are you sure it wasn't the pieces of planet over there? Or the breaking news story saying Jarlderran was destroyed? Or the sign that says 'Jarlderran was here'? Or the Jarl police investigating over there?"

"No, it was the Jarl." Jarl Kenobi's eyes shifted.

*snort* XP

"Is that... a moon?" Phoenix Wright asked, terrified.

"Yes... it is... OH GOD LOOK AWAY!" Jarl Skywalker exclaimed.

"It's... turning around!" Jarl-3PO pointed out.

BUTT JOKE YAY.

Gengar works pretty good here.

...Because it's half Poison-type.

"I shall prove to ze foolish fools that zey verr picking zerr nozez in zerr mugshotz." The prosecutor claimed.

"That's not true!" Jarl Skywalker spoke, wiping his booger-encrusted hands on his pants.

Ew. X3

The court paused as the testimony of the ruler of space began.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--Witness Testimony--

Chicken Blittle

"Gagyagyaah!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*headdesk* The heads of everyone in the courtroom smacked into their desktops simultaneiously.

XDDDD

Yeah, that's right: I can say that one, too! HAH!

Mr. Wright, you may cross-examine the witness. "Judge Fudge replied, rubbing his head."

"Hey, your quotes were on wrong, Your Honor." Jarl Skywalker corrected.

"I know..." The judge sighed.

That they, the CHARACTERS, can actually see that suggests that there is some breach in the fabric of the universe. Which, I suppose, is to be expected with Palkia and its balls hanging around the scene.

And yes, I just inadvertently ended up saying "balls hanging". Laugh it up. Ha, ha, ha. Ha.

--Cross-Examination--

Chicken Blittle.

"Gagyagyaah!"

XDDDD

OH YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M SAYING EMOTICONS ALL OVER THE DAMNED PLACE, AND YOU CAN'T DO DIDDLEY POOP ABOUT IT! HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! HA! >8D

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY." The prosecutor replied.

"NO WAI!" The Judge added, assigning Phoenix Wright a penalty.

"That didn't go so well." Wright muttered to himself.

*snort* Indeed it didn't. XP

One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix. One can prepared coconut pecan frosting. Three slash four cup vegetable oil. Four large eggs. One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips. Three slash four cups butter or margarine. One and two third cups granulated sugar. Two cups all purpose flour. Don't forget garnishes such as: Fish shaped crackers. Fish shaped candies. Fish shaped solid waste. Fish shaped dirt. Fish shaped ethyl benzene. Pull and peel licorice. Fish shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment shaped sediment. Candy coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish. One cup lemon juice. Alpha resins. Unsaturated polyester resins. Fiberglass surface resins. And volatile malted milk impoundments. Nine large egg yolks. Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes. One cup granulated sugar. An entry called 'how to kill someone with your bare hands.' Two cups rhubarb, sliced. Two slash three cups granulated rhubarb. One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb. One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb. Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire. One large rhubarb. One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb. Two tablespoons rhubarb juice. Adjustable aluminum head positioner. Slaughter electric needle injector. Cordless electric needle injector. Injector needle driver. Injector needle gun. Cranial caps. And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals. That will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

All this and more in every bag of Toby's Cake Mix. Hey, what do you expect--the guy's a robot. Robots don't know shit about food. They just randomly want it for some reason despite not needing it. Probably because Gengar is... you know.

I was too busy being delicious.

Now seems like a good time to mention how awesome I think it is that you referenced that. True, I could have commended you for referencing Judge Fudge earlier, when you actually went so far as to name the judge in your story after Judge Fudge, but I chose not to for reasons that I choose not to explain, and if you don't like it, you can sit on a tack.

But then... he had an idea. The idea turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

That happens to a lot of ideas...

"I must allow them to escape... to advance the plot..." Jarl Kenobi replied. He then withdrew his Jarl Saber. It hummed with glowing blue energy.

"*huuuhhhh* No... *huuuhhhh* This plot *huuuhhhhh* must die *huuhhhhhhhhhh* It is *hhhhhhhhhhuhhhh* a blatant *hhhhhhhhuh* ripoff *hhhhhhuhhhhh of Star... *hhhhhhhhuuhhhhh*

That the characters are noticing that suggests that Palkia and its balls have really messed up the fabric of the universe... Actually, no, it doesn't. It would take a major disturbance in the universe for many to not notice that, characters included. XP

The Jarl Sabers clashed, humming pleasantly as they whizzed through the air at two miles an hour because the choreography sucked back then.

XD

WHOO, YEAH! I'M STILL GETTING AWAY WITH IT! SUCK ON THAT, YOU--meh, I'm tired of doing this gag.

"Will you *hhhuhhh* die yet?"

"No!"

*hhhhuhhhhhhhhhhh* "Now?"

"Okay, sure, why not."

Thus, Jarl Kenobi is officially either the worst opponent ever or the best opponent ever. Or an opponent of some level of quality in between.

Jarl is an American heavy jarl jarl founded in Jarl, Jarl in 1981. Formed when jarl Jarl Ulrich posted a jarl in a Jarl jarl, Jarl's original line-up consisted of Ulrich, rhythm jarl and jarl Jarl Hetfield, lead jarl Jarl Mustaine, and jarl Jarl McGovney. McGovney and Mustaine were later kicked out of the jarl, and jarl Jarl Hammett and jarl Jarl Burton replaced them. The jarl of Mustaine resulted in a long-running jarl between Jarl and his jarl Jarl. In 1986, Jarl's tour jarl skidded out of jarl, and Burton was crushed under the jarl and was killed. Jarl Newsted replaced him, although he left the jarl in 2001 and was replaced by Jarl Trujillo in 2003.

Jarl rose to jarl with its 1991 self-titled jarl Jarl, and jarl say the 1986 jarl Jarl of Jarl is one of the most influential and "heaviest" thrash jarl jarl. The jarl has released eight studio jarl, two live jarl, two jarl, nine jarl, and is working on a ninth studio jarl. Jarl is credited as one of the "big four" thrash jarl jarl, along with Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl. A jarl in 2001 was filed against Jarl for sharing the jarl's copyrighted jarl for jarl without the jarl's jarl. A jarl was reached, and Jarl became a pay-to-use jarl.

Jarl has become one of the most commercially successful and influential musical jarl. With over 90 million jarl sold worldwide, including 57 million in the United Jarl, the jarl has won seven Grammy Jarl, and topped the Jarl 200 four times. The jarl's 1991 jarl, Jarl, has sold over 14 million jarl, which makes it the 25th highest selling jarl in the United Jarl.

Early Jarl releases included fast jarl, jarl and aggressive jarl. When producer Jarl Rock was hired in 1990, some jarl and jarl believed the jarl changed its musical jarl for a more commercial jarl. With the jarl of Jarl in 1996, Jarl distanced itself from earlier jarl in what has been described as "an almost jarl approach", and the jarl faced jarl of "selling jarl". Despite reaching number Jarl on the U.J. Jarl 200, the release of St. Jarl in 2003 disappointed some jarl and jarl with the exclusion of guitar jarl, the "jarl-sounding" snare jarl, and the "raw and unpolished" jarl to the jarl.

You're welcome.

*insert part here where they follow Jarl Kenobi's instructions*

*laziness*

*laziness*

Laziness... or genius? o.o

...Nope, definitely laziness. X3

Besides, I'm not even supposed to be here. I belong back in my courtroom drama series for Nintendo DS.

Damned logic, always having to meddle in perfectly good nonsense... XP

*laziness*

*laziness*

Especially lazy if you copied and pasted those from the previous use of the double-laziness-pseudo-action device. Did you? :3

...Well, DID YOU?! >8/

Jarl-wings went down like Jarls.

Huh, and here I'd expected them to have gone down like wings... o.o;

Laser blasts struck the Jarl-fighter that Jarl Vader was in. Jarl Skywalker looked up and noticed that the Millenium Jarl had fired those shots. Phoenix Wright waved at Jarl Skywalker. "It's all up to you to win so I can get back to my story!"

No, Phoenix Wright! You must resist the temptations of logic! XD

Suddenly, it all made sense to him. He saw af;lkjglk;uer, with the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj clearly in his mind, and he fired his Jarl Torpedo. It went straight for the Jarl and hit dead on. This caused a chain reaction. Suddenly, three monkeys on Djbouti sang about Swiss cheese. Three hundred Enteis ran away. Then, a bottle cap on the surface of Jarl 4 began to rattle as it twirled around. This bottle cap then became Jarl, then Jarl, then Jarl, Jarl, and Jarl, and then it turned into Jarlsberg cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Your Mom turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted... gross, like Your Mom.

...Yeah, that's one hell of a chain reaction... o_o;

[PsiUmbreon]

Here it is, folks, the most current installment of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles. This one is, in fact, based on a true story, and has a great regard for continuity and chronological order, just like my other installments of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles. Here it is, folks, the most current installment of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles. It doesn't repeat any lines or mention things that happened over 150 years ago as the next event in the story. Candy Land is a great game. Nor does it mention anything irrelevant to the story. Isn't it fun to have a story like that?

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles -13: Confessions of an Internet Spammer*~

I have a confession to make.

It all started four hundred and seventy five seconds ago. At that time, I was cooking some instant noodles when all the sudden, I heard a knock at the door. Someone wanted to know if they could get to Uzbekistan by inflating baloons and tying them to a poodle while singing about Elvis. I told them that they need three hundred and forty two bananas that can type 80 words a minute first. But they didn't heed my advice. And so they turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

But then, something happened. Something that you will have to scroll down the page to find out.



























...
















just kidding. Nothing happened. I made you scroll down the page for nothing. Haha.

Anyway, at that point that guy's friends showed up. And they were like, buff. They had this special armor that gave them +5 to dexterity and made them able to cast Fire Bolt instantly. That and they had all their Jupiter Djinni on Standby so they could summon Thor. Oh, and 252 EV points in Special Attack. And 403 Attack. And they put 5252.carrot EVs in speed, and -124532454235 in Defense. They were really strong. Their power level was over 9000. So like, I knew then that I was screwed.

But not even I knew that I had the power. Yes, the power. I didn't know something that the cheese was about to tell me. The cheese whispered something in my ear, and I then knew of a shocking truth about myself: I am a magic sandwich.

So then I casted Ultima on them and then used some Force lightning on them. And then used Agility, which boosted my speed to 325632.chicken. Yes, that meant I was faster than Kobe Bryant. So they all died and I gained enough EXP to grow to level 3.

My noodles were done. Soon, it would all be over, and Thomas Keets would be returned to his homeland of Cerulean City. Who the hell is Thomas Keets? I don't know, I just made him up. But soon he would return to his homeland of Midgar. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee oejg;jas;g ja;tgueqp9tj;alksdgf. 372. no. yes. no. yes. no. no. no one likes a quitter. no, no. Joob fitp. Joob fitp. Joob fitp.

Yes, soon, Thomas Keets would be returned to his homeland of Yavin 4. Then it would all be over. What is "it" you ask? Good question. I'll get back to you on that.
...
...

...


...
...


...

Okay, so I lied. I won't get back to you on that. Because Thomas Keets turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. But you know what else is good? Cheese. Yep. Cheese is good. I like cheese. Did you know that? And I like cheese, too. Oh, and cheese. Cheese is good. I don't know if I like it better than cheese, though. Between cheese, cheese, and cheese, I'd say I like cheese the best. Then cheese, and last, but not least, cheese. Oh, and then Tom Brady.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This article is about the three-leaf clover. For other meanings of the term, see Shamrock (disambiguation).

The Shamrock

The shamrock, a symbol of Ireland and a registered trademark of the Republic of Ireland,<1> is a three-leafed old white clover, sometimes of the variety Trifolium repens ( a white clover, known in Irish as seamair bhán) but today usually Trifolium dubium (a lesser clover, Irish: seamair bhu�*).

The diminutive version of the Irish word for "clover" ("seamair") is "seamróg", which was anglicised as "shamrock", representing a close approximation of the original Irish pronunciation. However, other three-leafed plants — such as black medic (Medicago lupulina), red clover (Trifolium pratense), and Common wood sorrel (genus Oxalis) — are sometimes designated as shamrocks. The shamrock was traditionally used for its medical properties and was a popular motif in Victorian times. It is also a common way to represent St. Patrick's Day. Shamrocks are said to bring good luck.Contents
1 Badge of Ireland
2 Shamrock organization
3 Flags
4 Boat Names
5 The Four-Leaf Clover
6 References
7 Notes
8 Trivia
9 See also
10 External links



Badge of Ireland

An Irish airline Aer Lingus aircraft with a shamrock on its tail fin.

The shamrock is also informally used as a badge for sports teams, state organisations, and troops abroad from Ireland: The IRFU, Shamrock Rovers FC, Panathinaikos FC, Aer Lingus, IDA Ireland, University College Dublin, University of Notre Dame, the Northern Ireland Tourist Board and Fáilte Ireland use it as part of their identity, but it should be noted that according to the Constitution, the Gaelic or Celtic harp (or often called "Brian Boru's Harp"), is the primary symbol for Ireland, appearing on postage stamps, government insignia, armed forces insignia and the coat of arms of the President, or Uactaran. It is registered with the World Intellectual Property Organization as a symbol of Ireland. According to what the Oxford English Dictionary calls "a late tradition" (first recorded in 1726), the plant was used by Saint Patrick to illustrate the doctrine of the Trinity. The posthumous timing of this legend (coming 1200 years after his death), and the lack of supporting evidence found in St. Patrick's writings have caused some to question its authenticity. It has subsequently become an emblem of Ireland, and is a registered trademark of the Irish government along with the official emblem of the Republic of Ireland, the harp. The English word comes from Irish seamróg, meaning young clover.

The shamrock is featured on the passport stamp of Montserrat, many of whose citizens are of Irish descent. In addition, the Shamrock is frequently used as a name and symbol for Irish pubs throughout the world.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

And then it was over. What did I say "it" was again? Good question. I'll get back to you on that. In the meantime let us discuss the impact of resource management on the Inuit tribe. Godzilla. Tortilla. Camilla. Tortilla. zipz. Joob fitp. Spandex. 512. Did you know that there are 256243245 41245 colors? No? well, that's cause it's not true. Duh. Orange is not a color. Orange is a color. Switch on, switch off. Switch on, switch off. Switch switch Mr. Game & Watch switch switch. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry Potter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was disappointed that my noodles were finished. So I ended the story with spam. pgq34pt9u hr;aguet;g ewa
stgadsjho[aeshbftpaskg'asg
sdg
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sdg
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sw
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fgd
hsrjg[awk tl
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yhaergthsrtj
aeryrtertert34 tjuasifh LRYTEPQR FJ;EUTPIO QA;JF KLSADFJOuj iok uekgl jas;fja skl;d,fjaw opietr ujakl;sfjpaoitufj ;lkawtgj ipawgjoieu iowajet wjt gdskljgoi aitlkaweut oiedjfg;kl adjugoaksdjgetg
aergaer
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yhrt
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edgh
eterga
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g
asg

But it wasn't over. Not by a longshot. Little did I know that Godzilla had obtained the power of af;lkjglk;uer and now had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time! This spelled trouble for the entire world, nay, the universe! Incidentally it also spelled cow for the universe. Never mind that it spelled cow with a 9, it still spelled cow. Oh, and trouble. Yes, trouble. Dammit I have a pimple on my upper lip. What a pain in the ass. It hurts to shave there, and if I don't shave there I'll have a mustache.

Since Godzilla had the power of af;lkjglk;uer, Tokyo turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. And then Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. What, you say that happened over 150 years ago? Well since when do I have to tell a story in chronological order? Sheesh. Anyway, Godzilla was sad that Tokyo turned into a piece of cheese because then Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it before he could. And it tasted good, too. So then he decided to chase Girl. But he gave up after 9.3 seconds when he saw a DS on the ground with a copy of Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass inside it. He thought, "why the heck not?" and decided to play it.

Is this how it ended? No. Then Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time. What? You say that happened in 1969? Well, chronological order can kiss my balls. DOoOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooomba! DoooooooooooooooooooooooOoooooooooooooooomBA! DoooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo oooooooooooMBa!
33t. hawtpi9 uyq1t[9 u 5.2 carrots. 5 years later, t7q395 uwklj. Then, 5t98q73i rojasdlkfghdsaklfjsalagfa. Also, 5yekjgpgjskajfk j 33. aojag, adsfg;wqort kl;faslkdfklaefjkasdj;fasdlkfjklasjfl. Did you know that? BB code error.

At that point, the Magna Carta was signed, and then people made colonies on the moon, and then Phoenix Wright was issued his attorney's badge. Then nothing happened, then the Magna Carta was signed, and then... oh yeah, I remember now. Then George Washington was born. Yeah, that's it. And then Team Galactic was beaten by kerosene exactly Combusken.45 days afterward. Then the lovely MS Paint was invented and given away for free. Then I decided to eat my cup of instant noodles that was finished. Ah, that's good, now I'm not so cold. Don't you love it when I stick to chronological order? I mean, who needs that? I think George Washington should have been born in 2096. He could still be the first president of the United States. Nothing contradictory about being born over 300 years later, right?

So anyway I finished my cup of instant noodles, and Thomas Keets returned to his homeland of Hyrule. There are no loose ends, especially not ones involving Godzilla and the power of af;lkjglk;uer. >>

THE END.


Now, kids, what have we learned today?

1. I like cheese. Did you know that?
2. You CANNOT get to Uzbekistan by inflating baloons and tying them to a poodle while singing about Elvis
3. There aren't 256243245 41245 colors.
4. Orange is not a color.
5. Orange is a color.
6. Shamrocks are a registered trademark of the Republic of Ireland.
7. 325632.chicken is an actual number.
8. So is Combusken.45.
7. Chronological order? Who needs it.
4. So is Combusken.45.
11. I am a magic sandwich.

That is all. See? Education is fun.

[Sike Saner]

Wow, there were noteworthy things even before the actual installment started! BELIEVE IT!

This one is, in fact, based on a true story, and has a great regard for continuity and chronological order, just like my other installments of the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles.

They sure do. They suuuuuure do.

Candy Land is a great game. Nor does it mention anything irrelevant to the story.

Win. XD


Anyway, on to stuff in the actual installment...

I told them that they need three hundred and forty two bananas that can type 80 words a minute first. But they didn't heed my advice.

Of course they didn't. There are only 287 such bananas in existence. O_o;

But then, something happened. Something that you will have to scroll down the page to find out.



























...
















just kidding. Nothing happened. I made you scroll down the page for nothing. Haha.

But... but... your statement that nothing happened counts as something! So I didn't scroll down for nothing![/deludingmyself]

Anyway, at that point that guy's friends showed up. And they were like, buff.

Whoa, holy shit. o.o

They had this special armor that gave them +5 to dexterity and made them able to cast Fire Bolt instantly. That and they had all their Jupiter Djinni on Standby so they could summon Thor.

Pfft, I can do all that stuff. XP

*so frigging can't do any of that stuff* X3;

Oh, and 252 EV points in Special Attack. And 403 Attack. And they put 5252.carrot EVs in speed, and -124532454235 in Defense.

Those EVs are also perfect for Crabsol.

I didn't know something that the cheese was about to tell me.

...You listen to cheese? *tries to suppress derisive laughter and fails*

The cheese whispered something in my ear, and I then knew of a shocking truth about myself: I am a magic sandwich.

YOU ARE A MAGIC SANDWICH... *____*

So then I casted Ultima on them and then used some Force lightning on them. And then used Agility, which boosted my speed to 325632.chicken. Yes, that meant I was faster than Kobe Bryant. So they all died and I gained enough EXP to grow to level 3.

...You did not do all that crap at level 2. XD

...Except wait. Dangit, there I go assuming that two comes before three. Maybe you were actually at level 9,267 when you did all that crap. ...Then again, though, the text does describe you as growing to level 3, and maybe I'm making silly assumptions about how much of a say logic has in things again, but "grow" would seem to me to indicate an increase, and last time I checked, three was less than 9,267. Hmm... Maybe the "growing" has nothing to do with a change in level in this case. Maybe what it refers to in this case is that you were suddenly surrounded by static electricity for some irrelevant reason, which caused your hair to stand out slightly and make you appear slightly taller. For that matter, maybe being at "level 3" actually specifically means being in a state of having one's hair stand out because of static electricity... o.o

My noodles were done. Soon, it would all be over, and Thomas Keets would be returned to his homeland of Cerulean City. Who the hell is Thomas Keets? I don't know, I just made him up. But soon he would return to his homeland of Midgar.

...If you made him up, couldn't you just decide to let him return to his homeland right away rather than make him wait until your damned noodles are done? Gosh, show some consideration for pointless figments of your imagination, would you? >>;

And thank you for finally putting the fact that Cerulean City = Midgar out there, by the way. People need to know these things.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee oejg;jas;g ja;tgueqp9tj;alksdgf. 372. no. yes. no. yes. no. no. no one likes a quitter. no, no. Joob fitp. Joob fitp. Joob fitp.

Specific Renoncor of the pleasure.

Yes, soon, Thomas Keets would be returned to his homeland of Yavin 4.

Oh wow... now see, I didn't know that Cerulean City = Midgar = Yavin 4... o.o

Then it would all be over. What is "it" you ask? Good question. I'll get back to you on that.

I love that. XD

...
...

...


...
...


...

Okay, so I lied. I won't get back to you on that.

...And I also love that. XD

But you know what else is good? Cheese. Yep. Cheese is good. I like cheese. Did you know that? And I like cheese, too. Oh, and cheese. Cheese is good. I don't know if I like it better than cheese, though. Between cheese, cheese, and cheese, I'd say I like cheese the best. Then cheese, and last, but not least, cheese. Oh, and then Tom Brady.

I knew you liked cheese and also that you liked cheese, but I was actually unaware that you were also a fan of cheese and a fan of Tom Brady. o.o

And then it was over. What did I say "it" was again? Good question. I'll get back to you on that.

XD

In the meantime let us discuss the impact of resource management on the Inuit tribe. Godzilla. Tortilla. Camilla. Tortilla. zipz. Joob fitp. Spandex. 512. Did you know that there are 256243245 41245 colors? No? well, that's cause it's not true. Duh. Orange is not a color. Orange is a color. Switch on, switch off. Switch on, switch off. Switch switch Mr. Game & Watch switch switch. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

I feel that that was a very enlightening and productive discussion. Well done.

Harry Potter.

YOU'RE Harry Potter. >>

I was disappointed that my noodles were finished. So I ended the story with spam. pgq34pt9u hr;aguet;g ewa
stgadsjho[aeshbftpaskg'asg
sdg
ae
tf
sdg
ewrt
sw
tw
s
fgd
hsrjg[awk tl
dsg
aw
t aer
yhaergthsrtj
aeryrtertert34 tjuasifh LRYTEPQR FJ;EUTPIO QA;JF KLSADFJOuj iok uekgl jas;fja skl;d,fjaw opietr ujakl;sfjpaoitufj ;lkawtgj ipawgjoieu iowajet wjt gdskljgoi aitlkaweut oiedjfg;kl adjugoaksdjgetg
aergaer
gaert
rt
r
yhrt
gs
edgh
eterga
s
g
asg

Understandable. I think such a terrible tragedy would drive anyone to end a story with spam.

Little did I know that Godzilla had obtained the power of af;lkjglk;uer and now had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time!

Holy crapola! O_O

This spelled trouble for the entire world, nay, the universe!

Well, of course that would! O_O;

Incidentally it also spelled cow for the universe.

...Then the universe obviously wasn't paying attention in class. O_o;

Never mind that it spelled cow with a 9, it still spelled cow.

...Yep. Definitely not paying attention. *sigh* Excuse me for one moment... *strolls off with ruler in hand, disregarding the fact that I have an attack stat comparable to a Chansey's (YOU SHOULD DISREGARD THE SAME >>)*

Dammit I have a pimple on my upper lip. What a pain in the ass. It hurts to shave there, and if I don't shave there I'll have a mustache.

*rushes back onto the scene, expecting Godzilla to have destroyed a large chunk of existence as we know it by now* ...Crap, what did I miss? o_o;

*reads above*

Oh. Just a pimple tangent. -_-; *sigh* Excuse me again... *strolls off with that ruler once more, heading in your direction this time, once again disregarding the fact that I have an attack stat comparable to a Chansey's (ONCE AGAIN, YOU SHOULD DISREGARD THE SAME >>)*

Since Godzilla had the power of af;lkjglk;uer, Tokyo turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. And then Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. What, you say that happened over 150 years ago? Well since when do I have to tell a story in chronological order? Sheesh.

There, there. Don't worry. No one's making you observe any sort of quality standards or sense with your creations. Go back to sleep.

Well, chronological order can kiss my balls.

Or Palkia's.

33t. hawtpi9 uyq1t[9 u 5.2 carrots. 5 years later, t7q395 uwklj. Then, 5t98q73i rojasdlkfghdsaklfjsalagfa. Also, 5yekjgpgjskajfk j 33. aojag, adsfg;wqort kl;faslkdfklaefjkasdj;fasdlkfjklasjfl. Did you know that?

Good question. I'll get back to you on that.

BB code error.

YOU'RE a BB code error. >>

At that point, the Magna Carta was signed, and then people made colonies on the moon, and then Phoenix Wright was issued his attorney's badge. Then nothing happened, then the Magna Carta was signed, and then... oh yeah, I remember now. Then George Washington was born. Yeah, that's it. And then Team Galactic was beaten by kerosene exactly Combusken.45 days afterward. Then the lovely MS Paint was invented and given away for free. Then I decided to eat my cup of instant noodles that was finished. Ah, that's good, now I'm not so cold. Don't you love it when I stick to chronological order? I mean, who needs that? I think George Washington should have been born in 2096. He could still be the first president of the United States. Nothing contradictory about being born over 300 years later, right?

Nope, nothing contradictory about that at all. ^^

So anyway I finished my cup of instant noodles, and Thomas Keets returned to his homeland of Hyrule.

Wow! So Cerulean City = Midgar = Yavin 4 = Hyrule? Incredible!

There are no loose ends, especially not ones involving Godzilla and the power of af;lkjglk;uer. >>

And if anyone thinks there are, then they can just take it up with me, my ruler, and my Chanseylike attack stat. >>;

Now, kids, what have we learned today?

1. I like cheese. Did you know that?
2. You CANNOT get to Uzbekistan by inflating baloons and tying them to a poodle while singing about Elvis
3. There aren't 256243245 41245 colors.
4. Orange is not a color.
5. Orange is a color.
6. Shamrocks are a registered trademark of the Republic of Ireland.
7. 325632.chicken is an actual number.
8. So is Combusken.45.
7. Chronological order? Who needs it.
4. So is Combusken.45.
11. I am a magic sandwich.

That is all. See? Education is fun.

Try telling the universe that. u_u;


And wow! There was something noteworthy even after the actual installment finished! BELIEVE IT!

Last edited by PsiUmbreon; 19th August 2008 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-seventeen baaaaaaaaaaawmer!

XDDDD Another reference for which you win.

[PsiUmbreon]

The following installment is an example of a masterpiece of utter brilliance, painstakingly crafted by the greatest hive mind in the history of everything. This work brings humanity one step closer to enlightenment with its sheer knowledge, described in its many, many pages. Its knowledge is such that no classroom can be taught without it, no library would be complete without it, and no encyclopedia would be complete without an entire volume dedicated to it. Its importance to humanity cannot be understated. People who read this exquisite work often wonder how they could possibly survive without the knowledge imparted to them within the pages of this book. And you are a fortunate soul, for you are about to read this installment and gain all the seemingly bottomless wisdom contained within. Prepare to be enlightened.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 17.4: Newest Writings in Quantum Physics*~

Poop.

THE END

[Sike Saner]

My God...

*insert several hours of stunned silence as the newly-received wealth of knowledge slowly sinks in*

My sole critique is that the opening paragraph failed to do justice to the great importance, unparalled quality, and profound wisdom of the latest chronicle! If I had been given a chance to see this wrecking ball of excellence coming, I could perhaps have dodged and admired it from a distance as it rushed in to demolish our antiquated ways of thinking. But no... instead, it hit me full force, and I am left in tears right now for the sheer beauty of the revelation that has stricken me. Tears, do you fucking hear me?!

*takes another few hours to regain composure* Sorry about that...

We were all living in a dark age of ignorance before this chronicle was released. The sun is rising on a bright new era for humanity--and you are the one who made it happen.

Lol. XP

[PsiUmbreon]

Yeah, the last one was rather crappy. XP sorry about that. This one is less crappy (or more crappy, depending on how you look at it).

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles who cares what number it is: It's Spammer Time!*~

Dr. DietSnapple: Joining us as our guest host on today's af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, it's MC Spammer!

MC: Welcome ta uh special edition o' da af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, yo. Today We be gonna jive about da impact o' noodles on sub-Saharan Motherland! That’s Africa to ya white folks! Yeah! And then we'll discuss Spameow in all its glory. But first, fjakjlfhjasdkfhajflkaejfklajd;skfjasdkl;fjaoifj;l! ya'll is mad stupid.

Spameow: Spam! Spam! Spameow!

MC: That'sright, Spameow. We WILL also jive about fuzzy yellow caterpillars too!fjaoifj;l! otay buh-weet

Spameow: SPAMMMEOW!

MC: And yeea , ya iz absolutely spamtastic. Let us begin wiff absolutely nuttin' o' relevance ta anyfin'! sho 'nuff!

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Exactly 15.42556234 years ago, seven cows strutted down a lonely desert road. They had nothing to do but believe in the power of staves and orange chicken. ooh, red ink! Little did they know that flowers ain't worth shit in the marketplace on Gaia Online. But you knew that, didn't you? I won't mention the seven cows again, because they aren't relevant to anything. (that, and there's the fact that 472 of them joined, making it an even 479 cows.) Anyway, the 424 cows continued on. No, there aren't 479 of them anymore, because 55 of them turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. ) I like putting random )s in every sent)ence. Did y)ou know tha)t? I s)))ure didn't). 8***8wrsaf;jasf. af;lkjglk;uer. $R$$$ $ lkj lvioja lm; b* ]{]{]{]}{]{{}{]{}{}{}[}fgk;ldfjg;lsadpfgdfasjkl;g. Moldy bread is useful for not eating. Because it's chock full of vitamins and spores. mmm, spores. I want to get Spore so badly, I hear it's good. Spores are yummy. They're the ultimate sleeping pill, because they work 100% of the time, unless you have Insomnia or Vital Spirit as your ability. Maybe that's why I don't have Spore yet. It'll put me to sleep for sure.

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MC: Wasn't dat da shiz, yo? And now joining us fo' our first discussion on da impact o' noodles on sub-Saharan Motherland, it'sda Spamtastic Four! peep this sh1t

Spamtastic Four: Spam time!

Spameow: SPAAAAAAAAAAAMEOW!

MC: What's that, it's time for a commercial? Already?

Spameow: Spam spam.

MC: Very well, afta dis here message from our sponsors, we's will discuss da impact o' rice balls on trees. just like mammy.

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Come on down to Bubs' Concession Stand! I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars, TV's, and marriages! Come on by! We're always awesome!

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Dr. DietSnapple: And now back to the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles.

MC: And now we's will discuss da impact of… werd up, where iz da Spamtastic Four? what 'chew thinking man?

Spameow: SPAAAAAAAAAM! *points out window*

MC: Aight. They prob'ly jet out to… uh, do whatever it iz dat da Spamtastic Four do. Which iz prob'ly very spamtastic! brace yourself foo'!

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“Mr. Spamtastic!”

“Random Pointless Tangent Man!”

“The Visible Spam!”

“…”

“Together, we are… the Spamtastic Four!”

“Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaa… you’ll never defeat me!” Said a ginormous talking toaster. Is ginormous even a word? Apparently not.

“Stop, in the name of the spam!” Said Mr. Spamtastic.

“Never! My legions of cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens will cause everyone to require some aloe vera! Bwahahahahaaaaa!”

“Fnarf, your plan will never succeed. Not as long as we’re in the way!”

“Speaking of in the way, that car over there is taking up three parking spaces. Sheesh, how greedy. It’s like, do you really need to park across three parking spaces? What an ass this guy is.” Random Pointless Tangent Man uttered.
“…” said the … .

“The what?” Fnarf wondered. Just then, however, the Visible Spam dealt her an uppercut. A loud clang resonated throughout the city.

“Ow, that hurt my ears. Speaking of ears, did you know that they’re shaped like radar dishes to capture sound and funnel it into your brain, which then…” Random Pointless Tangent Man’s pointless tangent was interrupted by chanting that began to get louder and louder, until it was deafening and they were all surrounded by legions of cybernetic, hermaphroditic kittens.

“JAGORI! JAGORI! JAGORI!” They chanted. The Spamtastic Four began to attack the kittens. Mr. Spamtastic punched several of them out of the way, ducking under a barrage of eye lasers that, in fact, came out of the noses of the kittens. The Visible Spam began to hurl semicolons at the kittens, and Random Pointless Tangent man distracted a bunch of them with talk about ear care. … sat on like, a jillion of them. But it wasn’t enough. Soon all of them succumbed to the onslaught of their eye lasers, and required aloe vera.

“I’ll get you for this, Fnarf!” Mr. Spamtastic yelled.

“Ow, my arm hurts a little. Can someone give me some aloe vera?” Said the Visible Spam.

“…” said … .

“Bwahahahahahaaa!” Fnarf laughed evilly, as evil toasters would do. Her legions of cybernetic hermaphroditic kittens marched after her, shooting eye lasers everywhere. People panicked and headed to their nearest pharmacies to buy aloe vera for their mild burns.

“Grrr… if only this mild burn wasn’t annoying me so much… I’d stop her!” Mr. Spamtastic muttered.

“Let’s retreat and get some cream with aloe vera for healing our mild burns!” suggested the Visible Spam.

“You know, aloe vera comes from a cactus.” Random Pointless Tangent Man mentioned, before Mr. Spamtastic told him to shut up.

“…” said … .

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Dr. DietSnapple: Will the Spamtastic Four stop Fnarf from giving everyone mild burns? Will the pharmacies run out of aloe vera? Will Random Pointless Tangent Man ever shut up? You’ll find the answer to these, and many more questions you didn’t even ask, after this message from our sponsors!

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Let us take a moment to honor the memory of an awesome dragon.


KiKi-Adi-Mundi
Born on August 29, 2008
Died on September 19, 2008.

KiKi-Adi-Mundi was a majestic stone dragon. He was one of the first on the scroll of KyManaphy. On August 25, his rock-hard egg was stolen from its biological mother, dramatically changing the future and shaping the destiny of this dragon. Not long after the egg was taken, KyManaphy claimed the egg as her own. When KiKi hatched, his mother was initially very pleased with him. As a child, he was very small, yet still very heavy, as his kind is made of stone. His favorite pastime was being perfectly still and inanimate, like a statue. He was excited when he gained his wings. On September 2nd, KiKi grew up into an adult. His favorite pastime of not moving, however, remained unchanged. He would indulge in it so much, simply being perfectly still until it came time to eat. Sometime later, his adoptive mother decided to bestow a name upon this dragon. However, a terrible accident beyond this dragon’s control ended up eventually costing him his life.

The mother had attempted to name this dragon Ki-Adi-Mundi, after a powerful Jedi Master. However, the scroll did not initially respond, and thus she was not aware that it had actually registered a Ki, and proceeded to type Ki again, and finish the name. After she had fully typed the name, the scroll had asked for a confirmation, which she accepted without paying attention. This simple and hilarious mistake had earned KiKi the scorn of his mother, who eventually took a sword and plunged it into the head of the dragon. KiKi stared at his mother, wondering why she would betray him so, before he closed his eyes forever. Racked with guilt, Ky decided to attempt to revive KiKi. This, however, caused KiKi’s corpse to disintegrate.

KiKi’s tombstone will eventually disappear from the scroll, as the two week time period it takes for tombstones on scrolls on dragcave.net to disappear is almost up. Let this serve as a lasting memorial for the hilariously named, virtually inanimate KiKi-Adi-Mundi, who will be sorely missed.

KiKi is survived by his two breeding partners, Tyvokka and Qumismu, his surviving child, TheSystemIsDown, three grandchildren, and one great grandchild. May his legacy, like the lifespan of his kind, last forever.

R.I.P.
KiKi-Adi-Mundi
8/29 - 9/19
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Dr. DietSnapple: And now we return to the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles!

MC: Hey, I thought I wuz da guest host, yo! an dat boil on mah ass.

Dr. DietSnapple: Well, I’m more coherent.

MC: That ain’t fair. Don’t be playa hatin’ what 'chew trippin foo'

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Pharmacies all over town were packed with people. Everything with aloe vera in it was stripped from the shelves, checkout lines extended for blocks, and the whole city was in a panic. Fnarf just sat there, surrounded by the destruction, lauging maniacally and toaster-y.

Meanwhile, the Spamtastic Four retreated to their base, which was shaped like a giant piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. So they made a new base out of cheese. Ironically, Girl did not grab this base and eat it, nor did it taste good, as this cheese got all old and crusty and sweaty. Yuck, sweaty old man cheese.

“We need aloe vera, quick!”

“There’s plants with aloe vera in the desert. Speaking of desert, it’s only one letter from dessert. Mmmmmm, dessert. You know what would be good right about now? Some cheesecake. And some milk to go with that. Man, if there wasn’t any milk, it’d be like one of those “Got Milk?” commercials. Whoa, I almost said God. God Milk? What the hell is that? I wonder what God Milk would be like. It would be all like… godly. And if you drink it, you’d be powerful and godly. And you’d be able to throw lightning bolts at people. Speaking of which, how do you throw lightning bolts? They last like one tenth of a second. They just sorta come and go. But they’re insanely powerful and can kill you. And they’re all blue and flashy. And after lighting strikes, there’s thunder. You hear it after the lighting because light travels faster than sound. Did you know that? Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. Nope. Especially not gerbils. Those are kinda fat, actually. Some people find them cute but… I prefer bunnies. Playboy bunnies. You know what, I wouldn’t mind a Playboy right about now…”

“Wait, how the hell did you go from talking about aloe vera to dirty magazines?” The Visible Spam interrupted.

“Well, I started talking about desert, and mentioned that dessert had one more S in it. Then I mentioned that I would enjoy some cheesecake right about now. Then…”

“No, never mind, don’t answer that!” Mr. Spamtastic cut him off.

“…” … added.

So the Spamtastic Four journeyed to the desert. The journey took a whopping 12.5 minutes in their Spamjet. Wait, do they have a jet? Whatever, they do now. And it’s fast. Hella fast. Faster than Kenyans, even. Finding the aloe vera plant took exactly 3 seconds, cause they were surrounded by them. So after that, their return trip took about 16 hours because Random Pointless Tangent Man decided to stop at the market to pick up some cheesecake, which they did not have. During this time the Spamtastic Four applied aloe vera to their mild burns, thus easing their discomfort. They still had plenty left to deal with Fnarf and his legions of cybernetic hermaphroditic kittens. So he complained, and bored the hell out of the clerks with his random discussions, which made him decide that he wanted ice cream instead. He then bought a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and explained a detailed history of chocolate to the rest of the crew until they fell asleep. After a good night’s rest, Mr. Spamtastic woke up and realized he had to go stop Fnarf. And that’s when they finally returned.

But Fnarf had long since become bored of her evil plan and left to go play her Commodore 64. Unfortunately for Fnarf, Super Mario Bros. was not for the Commodore 64, either, and so, this caused her to toss the old game system out of the window. This did NOT cause ketchup to rain from the sky, as this Commodore 64 was, in fact, just a regular Commodore 64, and did not possess the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. It didn’t possess either of those properties to begin with, actually. So nothing happened. The nothing then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Since the nothing had become cheese and became eaten by Girl, something had to happen. And this something was the fact that now, two thirds of a tree growing in a forest in northern Oregon was now upside down. The other third remained intact. Shocking.

And so the Spamtastic Four saved the day once again. Sorta. Not really. The pharmacies eventually restocked themselves with more aloe vera, people’s mild burns went away, and the city was saved, no thanks at all to…

THE SPAMTASTIC FOUR!
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MC: What da hell wuz dat? w0rd!

Spameow: SPAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWW!! *pouts angrily*

Dr. DietSnapple: That was the Spamtastic Four! Wasn’t it great?

MC: Hell nahh. don't make me shank ya!

Dr. DietSnapple: Well screw what you think. They were awesome. And they totally saved the day.
Spameow: SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! *attacks Dr. DietSnapple*

Dr.: AAAAAH GET IT OFF GETITOFF GETITOFF GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! !!! * runs around the station screaming*

MC: Time fo' uh commercial break, yo! slap mah fro! Bitch be trippin’ balls!

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Hey, go with the sure thing! Don’t gamble on your energy. SNAAAAKE EYES! Try Powerthirst! The energy drink that will make you AAAAAAAAA! SPORTS! AAAAA!

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MC: And now we back. Dr. DietSnapple had ta be rushed ta da hospital, wiff Spameow still attached ta his face. Poor Spameow. I mean, poor Dr. DietSnapple. otay buh-weet

Oh jaa, what wuz we's gonna discuss? That’s right, da impact da Nintendo DS had among da Amish. Wait, that’s not right. We’re gonna discuss da impact dat da Big Mac had on da population o' India. No… that’s not right either. We’re gonna jive about da impact dat Calvin Klein had upon da Anasaze tribe. Hm. No wait, dat can’t be right either. We wuz gonna discuss… awww jaa, I remember now. We wuz gonna discuss da impact o' yo momma! Haha! In yo' face!

Nah, I’m sorry, dat wuz low. Here’s uh paragraph on da impact o' Richard Simmons on Gene Simmons. what 'chew trippin foo'

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"THEY HAVE A KOI POND, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

Shannon would never forget the day he got that call. It was a Thursday, and those start with the same letter as, "There is no way in frickin' hell you are going to forget this, you understand me?" So, suffice it to say, it was going to haunt this poor bastard for the rest of his life.

It was the sixty-third morning since he'd received that fateful call, and unlike each of the prior ninety-five mornings, he woke up not content to simply sit around and mope and wonder why in the frelling frell he was supposed to care about a damned koi pond (and furthermore how in the frelling frell Johnny Tambourine gets a sandwich when he's in a glass tube that doesn't appear to have any means to open it)--at long last, he decided to stop being a pussy about this whole matter and finally find out just who it was that randomly called him about the stupid koi pond and why.

First, however... his balls itched. Like, really itched. Horribly. That, of course, took immediate priority over all else--which was kind of unfortunate, given that at that very moment, a hundred-dollar bill was whisked into the room by a sweet and tender breeze, one whose caress against the bill's verdant, tree-born skin was like the pure and innocent breath of a half-angel, half faerie, half-goddess, radiant, beautiful, graceful, majestic, glorious, spectacular, wondrous, elegant, enchanting, lovely, star-kissed, sparkling, silver, gold, ivory miracle of a being whose skin was soft as the coo of a dove, whose voice was grander than the highest heavenly choir, whose fragrance was as that of roses, violets, lilies, lilacs, lavender, sunflowers, ylang-ylang, rafflesia, sandalwood, ginger, cinnamon, peppermint, spearmint, oranges, cherries, grapes, lemons, apples, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, almonds, vanilla, chocolate, caramel, and coffee beans, gracing the portrait of Benjamin Franklin with such sweet splendor that his spirit in heaven was sent to an even higher plane of rapture. At about the time that this absurdly long and really bad "descriptive" passage ended, Shannon finally finished scratching his poor, itchy balls and turned at once to snatch up the hundred-dollar bill that the narrator had mentioned before going off on an idiotic tangent about the stupid wind... but it was already gone, blown right back out that window somehow by another breeze, one which was... just a damned breeze.

Shannon was crestfallen for a moment... but then he stopped to consider if getting that hundred-dollar bill would have really been worth allowing his balls to keep on itching for another few seconds. Common sense prevailed in the end, assuaging his regrets completely--he knew he'd made the right choice, and that his balls would thank him for it... at least, until the next time they itched. But eh, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

And so, Shannon spent most of the remaining daylight hours just lounging around, feeling a sense of utter contentment and accomplishment. Everything was just as it should be. There were no tasks that needed to be fulfilled.

...And then he remembered that damned call, was freaked out by it anew, and went right back into pussy-mode, thus allowing yet another day to come and go with the mystery of the Koi Pond Caller unsolved.

Adding insult to injury, his balls itched again.

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MC: Wasn’t dat informative? That dude’s balls really itched. Sorry folks, that’s all da tyme we's gots taday. Ya' dig?

[Sike Saner]

I wonder... is Dr. DietSnapple an actual doctor? o.o Then again, I may already know the answer to that, in which case either I've forgotten or Mrs. Dash stole it from my brain. I should have never let her into my home... >>;

... is the most awesomest character name, like, ever. o___________o It blows my MIND.

Oh, and the Powerthirst commercial... oh, my God. XDDDD Seriously, that always cracks me right the frell up. XD

*insert long moment of silence for KiKi-Adi-Mundi*

Exactly 15.42556234 years ago, seven cows strutted down a lonely desert road. They had nothing to do but believe in the power of staves and orange chicken.

Mmm, orange chicken is tasty. <3 Staves, not so much. o~o;

ooh, red ink!

Ooh! o.o

Little did they know that flowers ain't worth shit in the marketplace on Gaia Online. But you knew that, didn't you?

Indeed. And the stupid Daily Chance keeps giving me the frelling things... ><;

I won't mention the seven cows again, because they aren't relevant to anything. (that, and there's the fact that 472 of them joined, making it an even 479 cows.) Anyway, the 424 cows continued on. No, there aren't 479 of them anymore, because 55 of them turned into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Well, I guess you technically didn't mention the seven cows again... :p

) I like putting random )s in every sent)ence. Did y)ou know tha)t? I s)))ure didn't).

You didn't, huh? Well, I can see how a technique such as that one that's so very subtle could manage to escape the notice of even the one using it.

8***8wrsaf;jasf. af;lkjglk;uer. $R$$$ $ lkj lvioja lm; b* ]{]{]{]}{]{{}{]{}{}{}[}fgk;ldfjg;lsadpfgdfasjkl;g.

Mmm, relevance... ^^

Moldy bread is useful for not eating.

Well, that's certainly one way of looking at it. X3

Because it's chock full of vitamins and spores. mmm, spores. I want to get Spore so badly, I hear it's good. Spores are yummy. They're the ultimate sleeping pill, because they work 100% of the time, unless you have Insomnia or Vital Spirit as your ability. Maybe that's why I don't have Spore yet. It'll put me to sleep for sure.

Let this put to rest any rumors that you have Insomnia or Vital Spirit as your ability. That's right, all none of them.

Come on down to Bubs' Concession Stand! I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars, TV's, and marriages! Come on by! We're always awesome!

The drinks and drinks weren't doing it for me, but when the person mentioned that they have drinks, well, I was sold! ^^

“…” said the … .

Words by which we can all live.

Mr. Spamtastic punched several of them out of the way

*gasp* Kitten-puncher!

… sat on like, a jillion of them.

Which is totally a real number. *nods*

“Bwahahahahahaaa!” Fnarf laughed evilly, as evil toasters would do.

Pssh, evil dryer sheets do the same damned thing. :p

Yuck, sweaty old man cheese.

"Old man cheese" is still a very, very disgusting phrase. XD

“We need aloe vera, quick!”

“There’s plants with aloe vera in the desert. Speaking of desert, it’s only one letter from dessert. Mmmmmm, dessert. You know what would be good right about now? Some cheesecake. And some milk to go with that. Man, if there wasn’t any milk, it’d be like one of those “Got Milk?” commercials. Whoa, I almost said God. God Milk? What the hell is that? I wonder what God Milk would be like. It would be all like… godly. And if you drink it, you’d be powerful and godly. And you’d be able to throw lightning bolts at people. Speaking of which, how do you throw lightning bolts? They last like one tenth of a second. They just sorta come and go. But they’re insanely powerful and can kill you. And they’re all blue and flashy. And after lighting strikes, there’s thunder. You hear it after the lighting because light travels faster than sound. Did you know that? Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. Nope. Especially not gerbils. Those are kinda fat, actually. Some people find them cute but… I prefer bunnies. Playboy bunnies. You know what, I wouldn’t mind a Playboy right about now…”

...Wow. Even for Random Pointless Tangent Man, that's... O_o; Yeah. XD

So after that, their return trip took about 16 hours because Random Pointless Tangent Man decided to stop at the market to pick up some cheesecake, which they did not have.

Damn, no cheesecake? Aww...

So nothing happened. The nothing then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

...Nothing-cheese? o.o; Well, maybe it'd be lower in cholesterol, at least.

Since the nothing had become cheese and became eaten by Girl, something had to happen. And this something was the fact that now, two thirds of a tree growing in a forest in northern Oregon was now upside down. The other third remained intact. Shocking.

Shocking, indeed. o.o

And so the Spamtastic Four saved the day once again. Sorta. Not really. The pharmacies eventually restocked themselves with more aloe vera, people’s mild burns went away, and the city was saved, no thanks at all to…

THE SPAMTASTIC FOUR!

Yay for superheroes whose presence proves to ultimately be of little to no consequence! 8D

Dr. DietSnapple: Well screw what you think. They were awesome. And they totally saved the day.
Spameow: SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! *attacks Dr. DietSnapple*

Dr.: AAAAAH GET IT OFF GETITOFF GETITOFF GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! !!! * runs around the station screaming*

Yep, one is well advised not to earn the wrath of a Spameow... o.o;

SPORTS! AAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAAH!

These aren’t your dad’s puns. These are energy puns. TURBOPUNS!

OH MY GOD!

You’ll be so fast Mother Nature will be like, “Sloooooooooow down!” And you’ll be like, fuck you, and kick her in the face with your ENERGY LEGS!

XDDDD

Power running, power lifting, power sleeping, power dating, power laughing, power eating, power spawning babies, you’ll have so many babies, FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!

Yeah, that is an impressively absurdly high number of babies... o_o

The energy drink that will make you AAAAAAAAA! SPORTS! AAAAA!

*hides in fear*

Poor Spameow. I mean, poor Dr. DietSnapple.

No, you had it right the first time. X3

"THEY HAVE A KOI POND, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

O_____O;

It was a Thursday, and those start with the same letter as, "There is no way in frickin' hell you are going to forget this, you understand me?"

So do Tuesdays. ;3

(and furthermore how in the frelling frell Johnny Tambourine gets a sandwich when he's in a glass tube that doesn't appear to have any means to open it)

That's because of science. That's right, the italicized kind.

First, however... his balls itched. Like, really itched. Horribly. That, of course, took immediate priority over all else

Of course. *nods*

whose fragrance was as that of roses, violets, lilies, lilacs, lavender, sunflowers, ylang-ylang, rafflesia, sandalwood, ginger, cinnamon, peppermint, spearmint, oranges, cherries, grapes, lemons, apples, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, almonds, vanilla, chocolate, caramel, and coffee beans

Mmm, rafflesia. XP

Common sense prevailed in the end, assuaging his regrets completely--he knew he'd made the right choice, and that his balls would thank him for it

...I really, really wish that I couldn't imagine that literally happening... D8

Adding insult to injury, his balls itched again.

*Sonic 3 & Knuckles continue music plays*

P.S. You're welcome.

[PsiUmbreon]

INSPIRATION HOW I MISSED THEE. Title says it all. http://www.pokemasters.net/forums/sh...ad.php?t=19453 is a thread that might be right up your alley and is the subject of this af;lkjglk;uer chronicle. Sike you owe me 5 dollars for using the intro space of my post to promote your thread.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles 13?: A review of 'The Awakening: an af;lkjglk;uer Fan Chronicle*~

Someone recently suggested that I come up with a silly little story. Yeah, maybe he shouldn’t have done that… X3;

I wonder who this person could be... *disregards link*

The PG-13 rating is for disturbing images and frequent (and gratuitous) foul language. Discretion is advised.

Oh come on they were not that disturbing... Nothing wrong with ripping off a person's head and accidentally taking their spinal cord off with it...

Wait, wrong story. Or maybe that was just a fantasy inside my twisted mind.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles, Honor Among Thieves, “Space Ghost Coast to Coast”, the Alien franchise, the Harry Potter series, Coldplay, Cleverbot, Babel Fish, the question “How is babby formed?”, any brand names, a boat, puppies, France, more than one Gamecube controller, or the overwhelming majority of other things in existence. Opinions and statements expressed in this story do not necessarily reflect mine.

THATS RIGHT YOU BETTER PAY YOUR RESPECTS TO THE REAL OWNER OF ALL THINGS... ME!~ okay maybe I own the first two things and wish I owned everything else.

This story is… arguably not a story. But that’s okay—lots of other things aren’t stories, either. Cottonwood borers, for example. Those aren’t stories. They’re beetles. Please don’t make me have to explain the difference between a beetle and a story to you.

YOUR FACE IS NOT A STORY! wait. maybe it is. well, if it isn't, it SHOULD BE. 'the af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles: Sike's face' holy shit I'm gonna make that right now.

Your work was marvelous; an insight into the human mind. Your work truly lives as a mirror through which everyone can see a part of themselves reflecting back. You should win a fucking award for this shit.

And this was just the intro.
____________________

~The Awakening: An af;lkjglk;uer Fan Chronicle~

Blue isn't a real color, hm.

Far off in the country, there was a peaceful meadow. No cloud ever cast its shadow over that place, and not a single drop of rain ever fell there, yet the grass was vividly green and dotted with beautiful flowers of every color somehow. Probably because of magic or some shit.

Not because of science.

Here, there stood a quaint and humble little cottage in which there lived a kindly old man. No one knew his actual name; he was known only as the Storyweaver. He earned this title because he always had children over, gathered around his old rocking chair to hear one of his beloved stories. He always smiled upon the young members of his audience in the way that one might smile at a fresh, hot, delicious batch of muffins, and there was nothing at all strange about that.

BAD TOUCH! PEDO ALARM! ALERT THE NEAREST AUTHORITY! STAY AWAY FROM THE NAUGHTY BITS! BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

On one especially bright and sunny Saturday, the children took their seats, eager to listen to what the Storyweaver had promised would be one of the greatest and most special stories ever. He opened his magical story book—the biggest book that any of the kids had ever seen, though that’s not really saying much given that the only other books most of them had ever seen were TV Guides or the girly mags found hidden under older brothers’ mattresses—turning it to a page near the back.

I take it these kids have never been exposed to Harry Potter either. You clearly haven't been exposed to it, either. Heehee. exposed. Just now, enough dirty images involving Harry Potter characters filled my mind to fill an entire fanfic section on some Harry Potter fansite.

“Now listen carefully,” he said, an almost mischievous-looking smile lifting a mustache of the sort that all fictional old men have, “because this is the story that will change your lives forever.” His smile broadened further as the children took on looks of awe. “This, my young friends, is the story of Moltar’s ass.”

BAD TOUCH! THIS IS A PEDO NO-NO! 9-1-1!

* * *

---------------------------------------------------
THAT IS HOW YOU DO A DIVIDER. NOT THREE ASTERISKS. A BUNCH OF DASHES. TAKE NOTE OF THIS.

It was suggested to me that I take a moment to mention Hermione Granger. Let me assure you that I shall be doing no such thing. Randomly mentioning a Harry Potter character… what a ludicrous notion. So fear not—you’ll be seeing no such nonsense from me.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

Carrie scowled at the thing that rotated slowly in the microwave before her. The thing in question was actually not just a thing but a bag of things. The things in question were actually not just things but popcorn kernels, and much to Carrie’s vexation, the little bastards just wouldn’t pop.

“Stupid-ass popcorn…” she muttered as she stared into the microwave’s dull, yellowish glow. “If you don’t stop pissing me off, I’ll… I’ll… why, I’ll stick you in the microwave! That’s what I’ll—“ She stopped mid-rant, blinking. “Oh, wait…”

Because it worked so well the first time.

“That’s it. You’re going in the microwave after the popcorn,” she said to the inanimate object that wasn’t even in the same room as her. She then went into the living room to answer it and thereby shut it the hell up.

Because it worked so well the... oh wait.

“Hello?” the voice on the other end said tentatively when Carrie picked up the phone, and it was a voice that instantly drove away her frustration over the popcorn that wouldn’t pop. The person who had called her was none other than Girl. She and Girl were the best of friends—they had always been best friends, in fact.

WHAT IS THIS VIOLATION OF CANON? THE af;lkjglk;uer CHRONICLES IS VERY SERIOUS AND STICKS CLOSELY TO ITS CANON AND ANY FAN CHRONICLE MUST ALSO BE VERY VERY SERIOUS NOT ONE OUNCE OF HUMOR OR SARCASM OR RANDOMNESS... ESPECIALLY NOT RANDOMNESS. But that's besides the point. GIRL DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS... OR A PERSONALITY... OR ANY SORT OF CHARACTER WHATSOEVER. GIRL ONLY DOES ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY. HE GRABS CHEESE. EATS IT. AND IT FUCKING TASTES GOOD. YOU GOT THAT?

“Um, excuse me?” spoke up another voice, this one coming not from a cell phone’s speaker but rather from the young lady who had just let herself into Carrie’s house.

Carrie just stared at her, bemused by the unexpected company.

“Yeah, hi,” the intruder said amiably. She took a moment to ensure that she was not smiling but rather making the corners of her mouth curve upward. “I just dropped by to mention that you might be a Mary Sue.”

Carrie quirked an eyebrow at her. “And… what the hell is that supposed to mean, exactly?”

The fourth wall called. Said he will see you in court. You're being sued for damages.

The intruder didn’t answer right away. She nearly blinked in surprise at the question, but then caught herself and had her eyelids move up and down a couple of times instead. “I… don’t know,” she finally admitted in a sheepish tone. “I just heard somebody else call another character who was best friends with a canon character that once, and so I figured that was what I was supposed to in this situation.”

Wow, you're even AWARE you broke the fourth wall. This does not bode well for you in court.

After shaking the confusion out of her head, Carrie remembered that she had ababandoned a phone call from Girl for that unnecessary and ham-handed commentary on fiction reviewing. Also, she had abandoned it. With a rather silly-sounding gasp of alarm, she hastily picked the phone back up, nearly dropping it in her haste. Which was hasty, by the way.

ababandon (v.) - to cease activities in progress and answer someone who happens to be complaining about your status in a work of fiction.

She put the phone to her ear… only to hear nothing. That’s literally nothing, mind you, as in nothing to be heard, not the sound of someone saying the word “nothing”. “Girl? Are you still there?” Carrie asked. “…Did you hit the mute button again?” But as seconds and then minutes passed without any response, she knew that Girl was not still there, that he had not merely hit the mute button.

Nothing like a button on the cellphone placed near where you hold it that toggles your ability to output on and off. Mute buttons ftl.

What Carrie did not know was that after Girl had hung up in anger at the fact that his best friend had both abandoned and ababandoned him to go off on a needless tangent, he had set off on a journey to her house to murder her for offending him so. But that sounds like a potentially interesting plot development, so let’s not speak any more of it.

Should be noted that being abandoned and ababandoned are not mutually exclusive - they both can happen to you at once.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

Vyle was, mobility in the sufficient measurement of Jolteon has informed appeared introduced. Tonight it does, was very small assures, if a clock of alarm to the end with far from normally of Vyle, but these periods for the delay, that is normally in somiglia of Nichttraum the method. But the period of time, happens manhoso obvious of lengthenings to this period of the delay. It only thought to the face of the produced front part, in the intention, that continued the local track of the situation for impanare every night. It today has the equalization deferred not from. This key with the continuation becomes is remarkable automatedly, new victim zero.

I don't ever recall writing about a Jolteon. O_O

Tonight and Vyle of restocking approaches in the insignificant limit. It does not have the interest of the world is the happy happy argument, place of the extraction to the new husbands and women. The common method, occurs the return of Vyle and with volatile sight therefore this it is directly better, to the plant. This space of the training crosses this key. , It did not do identificatore that the women are question. But the taste balanced for the group of the employees, hardly seems one, if it considered the loan, because it is debilitated to him can be pressupr of Vyle in the able measurement. Execution for the successive cares of the interior that the number, this Pok__mon.

The nature, this satisfaction did not regulate the fear of Vyle. Near the taxes it is decided, surprised and the crucial factor that to the force of the advantage finishes it, to process outside. It has the plant, of that alcanga behind the stock market of the action of the internal message in man___s the front part of leaves of the later one, what to be separated extremity. During the aid and this one, Vyle of this fact the small knife assured the types the times. It would have especially, to cut to these leather parentheses of the Victory of the measurer totally to be fast, yes. Then due to the electrotechnic worker of the torch, it is, sae of two, that begin these objectives of the training, the product including always can the time to be different from the ways fastly with his enough protecções.

I am now enamored with the word protecções. if that is even a real word. I will google it now.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&c...&aq=f&oq=&aqi=

Hm, there's a 'search for English results only' button.

http://www.google.com/search?q=prote...9&ved=0CAYQuAE

Because that's clearly English and not Portuguese. Moving on...

It determines the period of Vyle with the attack, this alcanga in the assembly after the interest, begun unblocking. ___This is the level of the version! If this simple cake, yes; For this the same impaziente of the modification? It thinks _. obstructing of the ways, all the equals, that arrive. If it is exact, bat, the continuous fact of Vyle vacillates. It transfers whose, it comes the end to consider, the night of the common memory. The fact that is diluted is betr__bt and left printing of the girl found safe in its judgment of the group. This memory makes the paginations, of, than it exceeds with the reference, in the extremity that the husbands of also do not discover and the women, if they stimulate it unfavorable.

THIS IS THE LEVEL OF THE VERSION!

If a t-shirt were made with that phrase on it, I would so wear it.

Ingualmente that can also be tenidole it excluded not probably beyond entering Vyle. In, before something estêve of the period somebody one hundred they, the visualizations had ordered to need to adapt it of the data. In this he is ___What very difficult? It thinks _. The value, some secundària the number consecutively opened to diverse calm the times of this search. But the phase is the impossible one to be concentrate of Vyle the Arterien and, this one is crossed, the end to think the extremity, around the offered use the interchange. With the fact these payments very land at the beginning of the memory of the gesture of RNS the night with respect to pomposit.

Wow, you babelfished this so hard that the translator is even drawing blanks.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

Remembering suddenly that she’d left popcorn in the microwave, Carrie ran half-panicked back into the kitchen to try and put out the fire that she’d surely started. Then she remembered that microwaves shut off when their timers run out and that she’d set the timer for a perfectly reasonable frame of time, long enough to perhaps get more kernels popped without burning any of the popcorn.

'conveniently forgetting the nuances of modern technology' is one of your character's traits.

Feeling like an idiot, and rightly so, Carrie opened the microwave, then took out the bag of popcorn and looked inside.

The roar of fury that accompanied her discovery of a bag’s worth of popcorn that contained only two thirds of a bag’s worth of popped popcorn could be heard from several counties away. No fewer than thirty-six people died of heart attacks brought on by being so badly startled by Carrie’s sudden outburst.

An outburst the AVGN would be proud of. Also Satan. Satan would be proud of it.

Bitch still didn’t pop.

This should also be a t-shirt.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

User: How is babby formed?

Cleverbot: Hide and Seek? Duh!

Truly we have reached the pinnacle of artificial intelligence.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

Carrie headed out on what was sure to be a perfectly ordinary errand to pick up some popcorn of a different brand than she’d purchased last time. It shall instead be referred to as the Great and Noble Quest to Obtain the Popping Corn of the Gods for some reason. Probably because of magic or some shit.

Actually because of science.

As she racked her brain for the answer, a red dragon pushed his cart down the aisle where she stood, but then stopped. No, he didn’t stop because he was about to collide with her, which he incidentally was, but rather because he had just realized that he wasn’t quite random enough for one of these dumbass stories. Mindfully, he promptly transformed himself into a three-headed, squirrel-tailed ostrich made of discarded Dum Dum wrappers that was being ridden by a miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone in a wedding dress. There, how’s that?

You're right, fictional reptilian beings that have the ability to breathe fire shopping in a grocery store alongside humans, minding its own business and not incinerating humans or eating them as fictional reptilian creatures are usually portrayed are not random enough.

“Pardon me, miss,” the miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone in a wedding dress (as opposed to the other miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone in the vicinity, who was wearing half of a dog costume and a coconut bra) said. The three-headed, squirrel-tailed ostrich made of discarded Dum Dum wrappers (as opposed to… nothing, actually; I just felt like needlessly repeating its description) said the exact same thing simultaneously because it and its rider were, as you really ought to recall due to it having been mentioned in the last fricking paragraph, actually the same person. “I need to get past, and, well… I’m afraid that you’re presently blocking my way.”

Ya know, a three-headed, squirrel-tailed ostrich made of discarded Dum Dum wrappers that was being ridden by a miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone in a wedding dress just might not be random enough for an af;lkjglk;uer chronicles. Maybe a fan chronicles. But not the real thing.

“Oh, whoopsie,” the clone said, embarrassed. “You’ll have to forgive me—you see, I’m still not yet quite used to your human-made buildings and the human customs used therein because I’m actually a dragon.”

I'm actually a magic sandwich. Wait, what?

“…What?” Carrie wondered if she could have possibly heard that right.

Realizing his mistake, the miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone who desperately wants us to forget that he’s actually just a boring old dragon who is of course not doing anything at all out of the ordinary by even being there in the first place changed the subject quickly.

Maybe the dragon should, you know, give into his fictional primal urges. Maybe he should barbecue a few humans. Maybe then he wouldn't be so boring. Maybe... just maybe.

“Oh, I couldn’t help but notice you perusing the popcorn selection. May I recommend Poppity Pop-Pop? It pops quite reliably, has half the sodium of most popcorn you see out there, and best of all won’t get us accused of product placement due to its not being a real-world brand.”

Are you sure about that? What if Poppity Pop-Pop IS a real-world brand?

“Huh. Apparently that wasn’t a concern for you when you decided to go with a three-headed, squirrel-tailed ostrich made of discarded Dum Dum wrappers,” the aforementioned miniature Alfred Hitchcock clone wearing half a dog costume and a coconut bra noted from further down the aisle.

*insert comment about contradictions being humorous here because I can't be arsed*

The discarded Dum Dum wrappers were quickly changed into discarded Sucker Sucker wrappers.

Ya know, that slight change may make it just random enough for an af;lkjglk;uer chronicles.

“Uh-uh. No. Screw this random crap,” she said, leaving the recommended popcorn where it sat and getting the hell out of that store. It’s too bad that she didn’t buy it. That shit really does pop reliably, very reliably—seriously, you hardly ever see any dud kernels in there, let alone like a third of a freaking bag of ’em.

I was just about to point out how you wouldn't know because said brand does not exist... or so we think.

…Okay, the real reason you don’t see any unpopped kernels in there is because you don’t see any kernels due to the fact that that brand doesn’t actually exist.

But then you had to ruin it by actually pointing it out. Thus putting me out of work. DAMN YOU!

But that’s beside the point, and as we all know, going off onto unnecessary tangents is a Bad Thing. It’s bad because it takes the reader out of the story and forces… uh, hang on a sec. Does anyone here know by which pronoun we usually refer to “the reader”? No? Ah well. Anyway, as I was saying, unnecessary tangents are bad because, in addition to that other reason that I already mentioned, they force the reader to put up with you wasting their time when they’d rather be reading about things that are actually relevant to the story. So yeah, don’t go off on unnecessary tangents.

An unnecessary tangent that even Random Pointless Tangent man would be proud of.

* * *

Ron Weasley.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------
Bad Sike. Bad unnecessary Harry Potter character reference.

(I'd have referenced Albus Dumbledore here)
---------------------------------------------------

At a different grocery store in a different town, Carrie cast furtive glances about as she sought out the store’s supply of popcorn. Any moment now, she couldn’t help but suspect, something utterly random and ridiculous would pop out and try to interact with her as if there were no reason at all why it shouldn’t exist.

She had good reason to be concerned about such a thing.

After all, she may be aware that she exists in a story that has a title containing the word af;lkjglk;uer.

On her way to that store, she had been approached by a lemon-scented, bronze cactus-man with skateboards for hands, an eleven-foot-tall Kenner Mantis Alien action figure—excuse me, an eleven-foot-tall Blenner Super Space Bug action figure—and a map of Austria that possessed a pair of butterfly wings and had to sing a brief little ditty about washing dishes after every other sentence.

…Why didn’t I actually go into detail about those events? Well, why didn’t you, huh? Talk about the pot calling the kettle a lazy fuck.

A good af;lkjglk;uer author can't be fucked to provide details. Because they're just that good.

Anyway, luckily for Carrie, she managed to find and purchase what she was after with no further incident. Smiling, she headed home to enjoy a nice, cold glass of Fruity Fruit-Fruit, and thus ended the Great and Noble Quest to Obtain the Powdered Drink Mix of the Gods.

Maybe I should try powdered drink mix instead of popcorn next time. That seems to have fewer issues.

…What’s that? Moltar’s ass, you say? Oh, my God, were you actually spending this entire time thinking about Moltar’s ass and wondering when I’d get around to talking about it? Wow, you must be into that kind of thing or something, in which case damn. I mean, oh yeah, lava ass, that’s reeeeeeeal sexy, man. Anything you got near it would probably get burned off!

You got me... I really was thinking about hot lava ass the entire time. Not about the story at all.

Oh, speaking of burning, remember that part in “Idlewild South” when Moltar farted? Man, they should’ve totally had this huge jet of fire shoot out of his butt when he did that! That would have been epic—and not at all obvious! They totally missed a golden opportunity right there, man. Pssh. Unbelievable.

Now all I can think about is hot lava ass. I can't think of anything sarcastic or random to mention here.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

Before the children could reveal whether or not they had actually enjoyed that steaming pile of crapola that he had actually had the audacity to call a story, they, along with the cottage in which they all sat and everything else within it, turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and… You know what? No. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this. I tried to shoehorn a “Girl Grabbed the Cheese” gag in here somewhere, but it’s just not working out. It just seems a little too forced no matter what I do with it, and—as should be obvious— I completely and utterly despise forced humor and refuse to use it. So yeah, just forget about the cottage and the kids and all that other crap turning into cheese, because that didn’t happen after all.

Good call. Personally I would have turned the popcorn kernel into cheese. Or perhaps the grocery store. Perhaps also the dragon. Perhaps the bridle.

And yes, it did occur to me that I could have made a nice, stupid little “cottage cheese” pun there with it. Still not gonna go that route, though. Deal with it.

I would have gone that route.

* * *

---------------------------------------------------

“There, now. Wasn’t that an amazing story?” the Storyweaver asked of his young audience.

“Yeah!” the members of his audience cried out in unison. They had genuinely and greatly enjoyed that steaming pile of crapola that he had actually had the audacity to call a story.

At least you're honest.

“Such glowing enthusiasm!” the Storyweaver said joyfully. “Well, I certainly hope that you enjoy the next one just as—”

And with that, the old man suddenly seized up and fell into the children’s midst, flailing violently and spraying them with foaming saliva for a few brief moments before he died, thereby traumatizing them all for life. None of the children would ever forget the hollow stare of his lifeless eyes.

You mean he didn't traumatize them already in other ways that would warrant this story getting a rating higher than PG-13?

Hot. Lava. Ass.

This story sucks. I'd rather suck horse cock while playing with raccoon feces. I'd rather fondle hot lava ass... mmm... hot lava ass... I can't stop saying this phrase. In short, this story sucks hot lava ass. Which may actually mean a good thing coming from me.

[PsiUmbreon]

Obligatory holiday special coming through! Christmas is finally over, so I'll just jump on the bandwagon and add one more thing having to do with this holiday to the clogged toilet of holiday crap before you finally flush it out of your memories... until next year.

~*An af;lkjglk;uer Christmas*~

It was Christmas Eve, and Girl was sitting by the fireplace eating pieces of cheese.

"Boy, these sure taste good!" He thought, giving no heed to the fact that this cheese was once a collection of other random objects. That piece of cheddar was once someone's hat. The piece of mozzarella was once someone's cat. And the piece of monterey jack was once... a piece of monterey jack.

Pretty soon Girl had eaten his fill of good-tasting cheese, and fell into a food coma, drifting off into a comfortable sleep. He dreamed of fire flowers, coin showers, daffodils, and... something that rhymes with daffodils. But this sleep would soon be interrupted by the MOTHER of all holiday clichés.

"Oh no, not that! Anything but that!" said the cat. What cat? Girl has a cat? Well he does now, and her name is Princess. It was named after Princess Watering Can. Or maybe it really is Princess Watering Can. It does have the ability to talk and the ability to has cheezburgers.

"Please, I beg you! Don't unleash this overused holiday plot mechanic!" the cat screamed. But it was to no avail. For soon, a ghost appeared. This spectral entity looked exactly like what Luigi would look like if he were cross bred with a toaster. Don't ask me how that would look. It would look pretty effing weird.

"oooooOOOOOooooooo...." the specter howled. Girl woke up, took one look at the abomination in front of him, and put the palm of his hand to his face.

"Go away Fnarf. It's pretty obvious that it's you."

"WhooooooooOOOOoooo is Fnarf? No, this is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past" The cat put its paw to its face and looked down in sheer disgust. "Do you know why I am here... I am here to annoy you by showing you flashbacks of all the times stuff turned into cheese and you ate it... and how it tasted good... most of the time."

"ugh, go away," said Girl.

"remember the Forest of Everlasting Butter?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"remember the second af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles?"

"...no?"

"well, you ate them, remember?"

"...OH YEAH!"

"Remember... the dirty silver buckets?"

"Is there a point to this?" Girl sighed.

"I was getting to it... anyway, the point is that you have suuuure eaten a lot of cheese in the past...

"Yeah, so?"

"Cheese gives you gas... and might make you a little constipated. Also, that cheese used to be other things!"

"And it turned into cheese. Look, I don't know how it turns into cheese. But I like cheese. Did you know that?"

"Yess.... and you should not eat all that cheeeese..." the uninvited spirit whispered cryptically, and then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. This triggered another food coma, causing Girl to fall asleep.

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Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.

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Girl suddenly woke up. He dreamt that he had written a bad fanfic and it was going to get torn a new asshole. He was about to drift off, but was awakened by a tap on the shoulder.

"You know what you must do" whispered a voice.

Girl sighed. "Go away."

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present... ooooooooOOOOoooo~"

"Get on with it already, so you can turn into cheese." said the cat. Neither of them were very entertained by all of this.

"You shouldn't eat all the cheese... it's got high cholesterol. And... some of it used to be people. That's just wrong. Leave the random cheese alone!"

"Meh."

"You are a very one dimensional character. No personality, no notable traits other than grabbing cheese and eating it when something random happens to transform into cheese. Did you know that?

"Are you done yet?"

"No, I-" the apparition turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good. Girl then went back to sleep.

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Girl was once again awakened by another unsolicited tap on the shoulder.

"..." said ....

"Who the hell are you?"

"..."

... proceeded to point outside the window. There was a giant piece of cheese out there. A piece of cheese so big, Girl could not eat it.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

"..." said ....

"..." said Girl.

And thus, they were stuck in an infinite loop of ellipses. fghasdk;jflsk;ddsfhkjasdfklasdjfls.

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Girl awakened from his armchair. ... was not there. No one was there. Except for his cat, Princess.

"Phew, that was some dream," Girl thought. He went outside, only to have several random trees and someone's bike turn into cheese. Did Girl grab this cheese and eat it? Of course. And it tasted good. He had learned nothing from the unsolicited utterings of strange spirits, one of who was not clearly Fnarf, and ... from the Spamtastic Four. Their visits were completely pointless and annoying. This story is completely pointless and annoying. It should explode on itself. It shouldn't exist. But it does, much to Girl's disappointment. So in short, bah humbug, this story sucks, and happy Avatar day... mmm... Avatar... *drool* best... movie... EVER... it does not deserve to be mentioned in this story... fadsnfkjsdhjiofkjdsv;sajfoiasjtioaejvoasjfpwoea jfaslkdtjqweoi fjaw;ofj asklf asd;klfmasdlkfjawoit uqw pio vjkfjasd;lkfja;sdfaasdft qesrag asdrgtawe twerseg