well, i can see subtle changes, which is very good. I think one thing you can do is break that large paragraph down.
where the next para begins 'i live i this small beach house' can be broken away by double tapping return. It breaks it down and is a lot eisier to read. I've seen fics with much worse paragraphing than this: This para is actually very good.
Try that, and you'll see how people may read it a lot more carefully in the future. If i see a large hunk of text, i am sometimes temptd to skip it! Make sure it doesnt happen and you'll do great