Judging is in. Yay.
Without the Count
By Houndoom_Lover
Lady Vulpix's Judging
Plot: 10/20 - The story revolved around events that were never told. It was interesting to read and try to organize the bits of information you dropped here and there, trying to make out the shape of the main event from the prints it left behind; but in the end it didn't become clear, nor did it look like the suspense was intentional. It looks like something is missing. Also, the plot is static: it doesn't advance in any direction.
Originality: 8/10 - While the setting itself is not original, the perspective was. See Writing Style and Characters.
Writing Style: 20/20 - Nice descriptions and changes of pace, and I liked how the narration was written in the way the character who was on focus would speak, even if it was in third person. It helped me understand their personalities and ways of thinking better.
Spelling and Grammar: 6/10 - Clearly readable, but there were several errors. Examples ahead.
-"she was sure he wasn't bored, not if she was the Count and had finally found his lady" -> did you mean "he", or something else? That sentence isn't clear.
-"her self" should be "herself".
-"O'Chunks sorrow to she her leave" shold be "O'Chunks's sorrow to see her leave".
-"Her sentence of the tipewriter" -> I think you meant "on".
-You used "then" instead of "than" several times.
-"out skirts" should be "outskirts".
-"else where" should be "elsewhere".
-You used a couple of commas where hyphens would have been more appropriate to make the sentence clear: "the place needed more clouds - he decided, as he rubbed his whiskers - great fluffy clouds."
-Shouldn't "down deeper" be "deeper down"?
-The simple past of "sink" is "sank", not "sunk".
-"what just happened" should be "what had just happened".
...etc.
Characters: 10/15 - Mimi's an interesting character! And there were clear differences between the characters. Maybe if there had been some actions and events in addition to the inner dialogues, they would have shown some development.
Setting: 8/15 - This part was hard to rate, as the setting was vaguely utlined, but the parts of it that were described or insinuated were nicely done.
Overall: 6/10 - The whole story was a description of everyone's reactions to something that happened, and you've managed to convey the fact that what happened was important to them in different ways, but the event itself remains unclear. I felt like I was reading an epilogue to a story I hadn't read. And there were also several other references to things that were never explained. It's ok to write fanfiction, but you should try to make it accessible to readers who don't know much about the world it was based on, if you want more people to read it (or if you want to enter it in a contest).
Final advice: you're doing good on writing style anc character description. It would be nice to see some development, and for that it would be necessary for the plot to move. Change makes a story interesting. For example, if something unusual happens, we can see how the characters react to it. This story showed some reactions, but not the event that caused them, nor what things were like before. I think you've scratched the surface of something with potential. You could try writing the full story sometime.
Total: 68/100
Master Of Paradox's Judging
Plot: 5/20. I'm not sure how this fits the theme of the contest, which is a prime problem. There didn't seem to be a plot, really, just four loosely connected scenes.
Plot Originality: 4/10. Again, it's hard to give a complete judging of a plot when you have trouble locating it to begin with.
Writing Style: 3/20. This story suffered a great deal from the sudden flip in viewpoint. As I was reading it, I thought the viewpoint was still with Mimi and that you'd misidentified her as Nastasia... and then I realized we had switched POV entirely. And then it happened twice more. Following the story was a chore. I can't say how well you portrayed each character, as I am completely unfamiliar with Super Paper Mario, but that is a minor affair compared to the crashing scene changes.
Spelling and Grammar: 6/10. There were a few minor spelling errors, but the more important offender are the run-on paragraphs. O'Chunk's section in particular was crammed too closely together, and should have had more paragraph breaks to represent his thought changes.
Characters: 10/15. I can't delve into specifics, as I have not played the source game, but the characters as shown were handled all right. Mimi annoyed me, but I felt a good deal of sympathy for Nastasia. O'Chunks and the Chaos Heart, though, were rather generic.
Settings: 6/15. It is hard to critique a setting that you haven't seen before, although I am told by someone who is familiar with it that you are accurate to canon. Still, there weren't enough details for me to pick up on it enough to sculpt it in my head.
Overall Appreciation: 4/10. I can't say I liked this story too much. I'm not big on reading fanfiction for a universe I'm unfamiliar with, the lack of scene changes really hurt it, and to be honest... it was just lackluster.
Final Result: 38/100; 38%.
Closing advice: First, scene changes are your friend. If you're going to switch viewpoints, make it abundantly clear. Second, dig deeper; who are these people and why do their problems matter? I didn't get an answer to that from this story.
Get well soon
By mr_pikachu
Lady Vulpix's Judging
Plot: 20/20 - It has everything a story's supposed to have, and you've managed to fit it all into the evil word limit! That's a feat in itself. Interesting and catchy beginning, which is not easy to achieve either. And the twist about Patricia was unexpected, yet still feasible.
Originality: 8/10 - The situations were not particularly original, but they were laid out in an original way.
Writing Style: 20/20 - Beautifully written, from the wording of the sentences to the little details that marked the flow of the story.
Spelling and Grammar: 10/10 - Flawless.
Characters: 13/15 - You have a great way of showing the characters and their backgrounds, and make your points without stating them. Great character development on Zach's side. I liked the change in his attitude when he brought up the subject of Patricia. It was also interesting how the one true thing he said was the one that incriminated him. I believe it tells a lot about him. The hospital staff was clearly depicted too. And it was amazing how Brett and his silence played an important role in the development of the story while he didn't do anything at all.
Robert and Jake, on the other hand, were more like shadows. Reading about them made me wonder what their motives were, why they acted the way they did and why they were friends with Zach and Brett in the first place. Did they really not care, or was their guilt too heavy for them to face the truth? Was Zach's view of them accurate? I can't tell for sure. As for Brett, I would have liked to read something about what he was like before the accident. While the story revolves around him, Brett himself feels like an empty space. It's clear that Zach misses him, but who does he miss?
Setting: 15/15 - Very good descriptions of the situations. Clear and realistic. I especially liked the contrast between Zach's words and his thoughts.
Overall: 9/10 - While a part of me was left itching for something new and different, you've done an impressive job.
Final advice: Keep writing!
Total: 95/100
Master Of Paradox's Judging
Plot: 14/20. This was a very nice take on the "leaving a circle of friends" idea, one that I wouldn't have thought of. Granted, it was fairly straightforward, but that didn't hurt it too badly. As the point of the story was the monologue, the plot merely needed to be serviceable.
Plot Originality: 5/10. The whole "at a comatose friend's bedside" has come up before, and it's not very easy to make anything new out of it. Even the "I'm sorry but I'm with your girl now" element is old hat. You do get three points, however, for this creative interpretation of the contest's theme, noted above.
Writing Style: 13/20. The opening dragged a little, but the pacing soon got itself back together. You hit on a few somewhat tired notes with Zach's memory of the accident, and overdid it a bit when he was lying to Brett about the flowers (although that was the point, I believe). Some of your descriptive choices were a little awkward (such as "the slender (yet, Zach considered, curvaceous) form"; the paratheses and word choice were ungainly). This soon picked up, however, and although there were traces of the awkwardness and a few emotional flat points near the end of Zach's speech, things kept themselves together pretty well.
Spelling and Grammar: 10/10. It's the Grammar Nazi himself. I couldn't spot anything glaring and don't have the tools needed to dig up anything obscure.
Characters: 5/15. There is little to say here, as there were only two characters and one was in a coma. Zach was pretty standard, sad to say - most of what he said were things I've heard before, and it was hard to garner any sympathy for him.
Settings: 12/15. A sparse but well-arranged setting, with a few carefully chosen details (the nearly-dead balloon), well-designed to set the stage and then get out of the way.
Overall Appreciation: 6/10. I had trouble getting into it, as the plot was somewhat overdone and it was hard for me to get into Zach's head. Still, I wasn't offended or bored by it, which are appreciated qualities for this sort of story. For the space allowed, it held up fairly well.
Final Result: 65/100, 65%
Closing advice: If you were to expand it, a sequence with Robert and Jake would have helped cement the "everyone but Zach abandoned Brett" element at the center of the story. Also, it would have helped to dig into Zach a little more - the man is abandoning someone who has nobody else and yet will never know; how would that sting in comparison to leaving someone behind and having them know it?
So, the combined results:
Without the Count: 68+38=106 points
Get Well Soon: 95+65=160 points
Congratulations to mr_pikachu, the winner of the February Fanfiction Writing Contest! Here's your winner's banner (I actually made this in advance, go me):
Thanks to Lady Vulpix and Master of Paradox for judging, and of course to mr_pikachu and Houndoom_Lover for participating! All this wouldn't exist without you guys. Until next time, then!