Weee! Nice story Asi! You're not required to give any sort of back story if you don't want to. :3 That's the glorious thing about short stories! Mwha! I'll try to grade in the format that you'd like while also keeping in mind that it is a short story, not a full fiction. (I find a lot of people make the mistake of reviewing characters and plots as a full fiction story for short works... which is unfair as character development doesn't work the same way! )
Plot 16/20
- I really enjoyed the plot, because it was simple to the reader but yet earth shattering to Shay. I liked that the big critical moment in the story wasn't massive or 'zomg the end of the world' but it still held the same powerful punch. Maybe this was just me, but from the beginning I knew that something bad was going to happen concerning the girl, but it only compelled me to keep reading- to find out what that was.
The plot seemed to be a bit slow however and I think it might have been due to the redundancy of Shay's narration. There was a lot of sentences that described her in the same way just with different words which made me feel that the piece needed more actual content. Perhaps giving another small scene to show how close to two had become would beef it up a bit more or better yet- a scene that hints at how the girl feels towards Shay without Shay realizing it, even in his reflection.
Plot Originality 5/10
- This was a hard category for me to decide. On one hand, the plot isn't very original in regards to the climax. We've all read stories on unrequited love or surprise unrequited love and such or someone loving another whom would never work for them in the eyes of society. Also the being abandoned by your parents and rescued by a "wonderful person/being" has been done before... HOWEVER, the way in which the plot was done gave it a unique twist. The girl being deaf and signing was a nice touch and also the world in which the plot occurred gave it a chance to be unique. The gift itself was a huge surprise to me- I never expected such an advance piece as a hologram to be used as a gift! It was the little surprises like that, embedded within the overall plot, which I liked. :3
Writing Style 16/20
- The language you used was really beautiful and vivid. I LOVED your use of colors and the metaphors that were used through out the piece. The emotion was also very strong and the way you wrote for Shay made him seem very real and naivety that you hinted through out was clear and heartwarming in a way as it also was tragic. I'd like to see more concrete descriptions though, because while the metaphors and descriptions were nice, I felt they were overdone. As I said before, there is a lot of flowery language describing Shay's view of the girl but it reoccurred too much. Things like, "The wind blew gently, sending the sounds of summer insects to my ears." were wonderful and you used more concrete imagery towards the end of your piece as it became closer to the climax. I think using more of that in the beginning would be great.
I sensed that in the beginning you were using a lot of flowery imagery about the girl to show the reader how in love Shay was with her but I think if you throw in another "scene" that shows their relationship and convey it through the dialogue, that it'll add more depth and also emphasize that loving connection that you want to be shown.
Spelling and Grammar 7/10
I'm not very good with grammar... at all. However, I did find a lot of punctuation errors such as "wasnt" and "Id" which probably were just typos. Also, I suggest formatting the dialogue instead of leaving it in the block paragraph. I felt at times there were a few running sentences, so just breaking the longer sentences up would help.
Characters 11/15
- I think you did a great job on Shay, especially considering he was new to the world and with that newness, came naivety. His thought process and such were believable and I can't emphasize how MUCH I liked his emotions!
What I'd like to see, is more of a dimension to the girl. While it is fine to see that Shay thinks she's perfect, you can hint at other parts of her through dialogue or her actions. That's difficult to do with first person, but I think you can do it and it'll provide a more believable depth to her. If you don't want to do that (because doing that can sometimes go against the grain of the first person viewer), then I suggest providing more hints to the girl going off and leaving Shay alone and her reactions upon coming back from meeting Justin.
Settings 14/15
- The setting I think was awesome. It had that fantastical feel, yet the hinting at technology gave it a whole new light. The description on the picnic area was well-done as well and made the scene come alive. My only suggestion would to give more detail into technology, because otherwise it seems a little out of place when it isn't mentioned in too great detail. For example, when they heard the rumbling of a machine, I thought it was a tractor. xD
Overall Appreciation 8/10
- I really liked the piece overall- it was just really fun to read for me. I like emotional pieces and I like pieces that don't have a super happy ending, but the characters have a revelation. I also LOVE the final line of the piece. You're a very talented writer and I think for a rough draft, this is an EXCELLENT start. My main suggestions are to give more concrete detail and perhaps give another scene to help show the relationship between the two main characters in a contrasting light.
Total: 77/100
I hope that helps!