Well good luck for your portfolio Weasal Overlord I presume you have handed it in by now. If you have you should feel proud as overall this work is great.
The story is in a lovely format, an interesting format that one doesn't see enough these days (funnily enough I'm doing a similar type of format for the TPM writing contest). The work reads well, there wasn't much that seemed to be awkward, the paragraphs flowed well together and thus anything where I can read something easily to me means that its got something going for it.
I feel a connection to Ivan. You are able to in little time describe who this character is and what he is about. Where there is a problem, its with Alistair as one doesn't really know who he is. We know that hes discovered his wife cheating, for years it would seem, he has been spying on Ivan who slept with Xia. Xia later finds out about the photos and presumably is killed by Ivan. But where it seems to be lacking, is that their doesn't seem to be any anxiety or fear about what Ivan did, and what Xia did. While, this is a short work and thus ones capability of doing so is scarce, I would have liked to know more about how Alistair felt afterwards towards his relationship with Xia. Also I think Xia could have been explored a bit as well. Why would she have an affair with a seventeen year old, how did she feel about her husband and more importantly what compelled her to check the dark room where presumably it had been a secret. I guess this is simply a weakness in a format that is short.
The other concern with the story is some things don't make much sense. And where I think you needed to re-read your story.
First of all is just something that sounds kinda weird
- I'm not sure "person" is the best word that could be used. I just found this sentence rather awkward.From his tousled hair to his ruffled clothing, his entire person radiated impatience and with it, a sort of refined forgetfulness.
- Another sentence that sounds rather awkward. I guess where it goes, "but he felt intimidated enough not to ask". Its really the "intimidated enough not to ask" that for me just sounds strange.It always bemused Ivan as to why a girl would buy gay porn, but he felt just intimidated enough not to ask.
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In Chapter 4. Alistair. It mentions Xia reacting violenting to these photographs. But then straight after that. It does this:
Now I think you're talking about Alistair photographing Ivan. But I just find that it works awkwardly, as one first presumes, that she had hatred towards the subject matter. I'm not sure if I am making any sense, but it doesn't seem to connect with the first sentence in that paragraph.His hatred of the subject matter seemed to give Alastair a superhuman ability to take amazing photos of him - his hair the darkest shade of black and messy in almost all of the pictures, and almost every pose imaginable snapped.
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- Thats in the last paragraph but I can't seem to work out how this time-frame works. You mention that it took 10 years for him to remember the incident with Xia as he returns home. Which makes him 33 now? So did he have the encounter with Xia at seven-teen? Sorry but its confusing. Either I've read things wrong or there is an errorSeventeen years ago, his twenty-three year old self had been flushed with the handsomeness of youth.
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I do find that the ending seems to be rushed a bit, as we find out that Ivan remembers Xia and then Alistair attacking Ivan. It just seems to happen way too quickly. I think the ending could be re-worked. I realise this was a work for a portfolio and thus certain things had to happen as they happened and clearly you needed to get the work in.
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In conclusion. I think this work is formidable. The writing and paragraphing is superb. The grammar and punctuation is all proper. Everything flows beautifully. Where it could be better, is better characterisation for Alistair. Expand his character a bit, look into Xia a bit. What made Xia cheat on her husband? Why did Alistair become so obsessive about the affair and thus became his obsession with Ivan. These are things that could be explored if you are interesting. This story could be expanded further exploring such issues. As it is now, it has a few minor flaws, but those flaws are more than made up by the superior writing. Thus while there are some flaws, it still remains a great story. Well done I think you have produced a lovely piece of writing.