Sailor Moon E

[Sailor Scorpio]

ok before we start all the new characters, moves, bosses,people and powers other than the original are copyright by me Robert K.

Sailor Moon E:
Elemental

Prologue: The night was dark, no stars were shining up in the deep, dark blue sky. It was a year after the scouts battled against Galaxia, and now each of them had peace although that’s what they thought.

Serena tossed and turned in her sleep, for a week now she kept having reoccurring nightmares but now they were getting worse, now she hardly got any sleep at all. Suddenly she woke up, sleepily she stumbled out of bed and up to the window she gazed outside expecting to see something except nothing appeared, she turned around but out of the corner of her eye she saw something glowing purple hurtling towards the earth.

Chapter 1: The Evil begins.

The star stopped. Meters above the Tokyo Tower the star just hung there in the sky emitting a strange purple light. Serena kept staring the star was doing something weird, suddenly lightning flew from the star hitting the ground with earth shattering might a split in the ground began to open. “Oh no something’s wrong!” Serena shrieked. She opened her wrist watch communicator and screamed suddenly into it. “All scouts quickly come to the Tokyo Tower something is seriously wrong!”

Serena quickly put on some casual clothes and ran out the door when a screech from down the road stopped her in her tracks. “Serena we got your call quickly get in” Amara said. Amara and Michelle had pulled up in the car with Trista and Hotaru, Serena quickly got in.

“So Serena what’s up with the tower?” Trista questioned.
“A lot, I just saw a star floating above it then lightning from the star caused an earth quake!” Serena wailed.

“Don’t worry we will fix it” Hotaru replied “Darien is bringing the rest of the inner scouts in his car.”

Everyone was silent for the rest of the ride.

The 2 cars pulled up in front of the Tower and all the friends got out.

“Ok everyone transform something is weird about that star” Darien said.

Everyone started to pull out their crystal wands but a weird echoed out of the star. “I don’t think so it’s my game now my rules and the rules say no extra powers!” The voice chanted.

Lasers flew from the star and straight into the wands all the crystals shattered including Serenas Eternal Moon Brooch now the wands started turning into their basic forms.

“All we have now are Star Wands!” Mina wailed.

“And we only have Planet Wands” Michelle replied.

“It doesn’t matter we have to find out what’s wrong even I’m powerless so lets give it a go anyway, Moon Cosmic Power!” Serena yelled.

Her eternal Moon Brooch melted back into the cosmic heart brooch she then pulled the brooch to her body as pink hearts and ribbons flew around her forming her costume Serena was now Sailor Moon.

All the other Scouts lifted their wands to the sky.

“Scout Power!” They all chanted in unison.

Rainbow lights appeared then disappeared now all the inner and outer scouts were standing ready to take on this new evil.

“Ok everybody ready do the Sailor Teleport” Tuxedo Mask said.

All the scouts joined hands and formed a circle each of their representing colours glowed around them. “Sailor Teleport!” They shouted.

A flashing white light started blinking when it faded away they were all on top of the tower on its highest floor they could see the star clearly now. A little purple round ball appeared in a swirl of purple mist, it was wearing a crown with a purple jewel set in it was also wearing a ruby red cape with a golden evil pentagram on the back of it.

“Hello scouts of the Earth nice to see you again my name is King Evil and this time I wont lose to you!” Evil shouted.

“Cloud minions come forth take care of these scouts for me!” Evil commanded.

2 Blue balls with black stars on their heads appeared one of them flew to the floor the scouts was on while the other one flew down into the giant crack in the ground Evil then suddenly disappeared.

[Andrew]

Hmm.. well being a 1st chapter in introducing a heap more of Lore to Sailor Moon you need to provide a detailed background behind the main story and the scouts, not all of us know it! That's a big part in sucking people in!

It all seems to go pretty fast, what happened to Serena's parents? Why did the other people turn up so quickly? And what's the star wands? The transormation of Sailor moon was pretty wacky. Some more description was really needed.

And how did they know that thing was evil? And aren't there two cats? I'm confused... King Evil! LOL!

Ok well first things first, you need a lot more description, you've got your grammar down, just proofread it to make sure small spelling mistakes aren't missed. As I said earlier you do need a lot more description, without it your story suffers. A backstory wouldn't go astray either and people like me would like it. Have a look at CCC's When Destinies Collide 1st chappie for info!

INteresting to see where this goes...