Kelly Kanto - Silly Fanfic (PG-13)

[Magmar]

This might be a one-shot... we'll see. I just want to write something silly. Kelly is a lot like a character in a fictional work I'm pulling together, and I need to do something besides work on that novel for a change.

Slapping a PG-13 label on the top because of some language and violence, but seriously I think all ten active TPMers are over 13 anyway.

Kelly Kanto

Chapter 1: Let's Talk Some Top-Quality Trash About Professor Oak

June 27 was a special day in the tiny nation of Kanto. Not only was it known as Kanto Founders' Day, a holiday that celebrated the birthday of the three original settlers of the decommissioned Kanto World National Park ninety years ago, but by perhaps something that could not be called coincidence, it was nearly everyone's birthday.

The twenty-seventh of June fell about nine months after another national holiday, Breeding Day, an annual celebration that fell on the third Saturday of September each year. On this day, the adults of each town who wanted children would descend upon the plazas and engage in massive parties of procreation. The tradition emerged in response to the fact that on or around children's twelfth birthdays, they were required to fly the nest and start journeys to become Pokemon masters. Parents expected their children to complete as much schooling as possible before heading into the woods and fighting for survival.

Kelly Jones had already lost three friends in her sixth grade graduating class. The three children, Mark, Santiago and Joy-34, had all been born somewhat prematurely and thrown out of school, cast into the woods and expected to fight for their lives against feral monsters. Kelly remembered when the intercom buzzed during a history class in late May, calling Santiago to the office; she saw him leaving with all his belongings half an hour later, being chased out of Pallet Town by the school officer, Jenny-29, and her pet Growlithe-733. He was never heard from again.

Nevertheless, the class had dwindled from six to three, and on the morning of June 27, Kelly woke up to the screeching of her father.

"Get your ass out of bed, Kelly! It's Purging Day!"

Kelly groaned and pushed the blankets off her bed. She looked around her bedroom. Her bookshelves and desk were organized, her clothes crammed into her Silph-Bag - Bigger on the Inside (TM), and all of her precious belongings stowed away except for her glasses. She stepped out of bed, pulled off her pajamas and took a long hot shower; she did not know if she would have the opportunity to shower for several months. As she waited for her hair conditioner to set, she thought about the maps she had memorized, the trivia about the monsters that lived in the woods and seas around her, and wondered if she'd be dead in a week like her older sister Margaret.

Kelly felt a fire burn inside her. She was determined to survive the ordeal at any cost. She was going to kick all of the ass and become a Pokemon Master even if it cost her her life.

After taking her time to dry her hair and put on a practical outfit--jeans, calf-length boots, a loose long-sleeve shirt and copious amounts of insect repellent--and entered the kitchen. She was still early for the Purging Ceremony. She scarfed down some Froslass Flakes, crunching loudly so she did not have to listen to the sobs of her mother and father in the other room, and avoided the gaze of her younger siblings that watched her eat with horror and despair on their faces; they did not know if they would ever see Kelly again.

What Kelly could not see was that these six little tykes could not wait for her to be out of their lives. Kelly was, to put it bluntly, kind of a huge asshole. As for how she was their parents' favorite kid, these little ones had no idea. Kelly was probably the single most vulgar and horrible person to live in Pallet Town since Joy-34's older brother Joey, who dodged Purging Day and maliciously left a bear trap on Professor Clark's threshold. After the professor's amputation and receiving a wooden leg (leading to the nickname Professor Oak), Joey was thrown into the sea. Kelly heard a rumor that he was eaten by Magikarp; she may have invented that rumor, though.

But Kelly knew this world was screwed up. She was determined to take it over by any means possible. She was sick of losing friends already. Besides, Joey was hella rad, she thought.

Once she had finished her breakfast, Kelly went into the living room. She tripped over some Pikachu-themed robot toy, swore, and threw it through the glass window. The force sent shards of glass into the garden, and they all heard the dog yowl.

"Kelly, what the hell? Why are you already being such a huge douche first thing in the morning?" said her mother.

Kelly shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Why are you throwing your eleven-year-old daughter into the mean streets of the forest to suffer and die?"

"Because it's tradition!" insisted her father.

"Well, I have something to say about your stupid tradition," said Kelly. She flipped off her parents and slung her backpack over her shoulder. "I am going to survive and I am going to become a Pokemon Master. I don't care whose day I have to end, whose window I have to smash; I'm going to win."

Her mother stood up. "Kelly, you have to be humble! You never know what you'll encounter out there!"

"Oh, I know what I'm going to encounter," said Kelly, folding her arms. "I'm going to encounter PAIN AND DESPAIR!"

The Purging Ceremony was not for another hour; first, Kelly and her two friends would meet with Professor Oak at his laboratory and receive their instructions and companion Pokemon. This portion of the ceremony was always private to prevent parents from interfering with the process and procedures. Scowling, she huffed down the street and toward the professor's laboratory. She entered the rundown Professor Clark Oak's Agriculture Laboratory, flipped off the receptionist, and kicked the door to enter the meeting hall.

After scanning the hall and taking in several photos of successful local Pokemon trainers and their lists of achievements, Kelly spotted her two classmates. Agnes Mildred Smith had the single worst name that Kelly had ever heard. She had been given two family names of relatives who had survived their Purge; this was a common good-luck practice in the community. Agnes had a kind nature and a big grin that now bore braces; they had been hastily put in her mouth after graduation last week. Jackie North was Jack and Joy-34's younger sister. She was born with black hair rather than pink and had been removed from the family tradition of naming all daughters Joy. Jackie was an arrogant little snot who liked to pull pranks like Jack, but she was stealth enough to get away with these crimes most times. Kelly's personal favorite prank was when Jackie had put poisoned spikes on their principal's chair after he had cast Santiago out of the village a month ago. Kelly wished she could have been there to see the principal stagger into the Pokemon Center and throw himself on a Chansey. She heard it was epic.

The three children had no time to catch up before Professor Oak hobbled into the meeting hall. He looked particularly haggard on this otherwise lovely Tuesday morning; he smelled faintly of alcohol and cigarettes. "Greetings," he rasped; Jackie threw a water balloon at him. It landed point-blank on his chin, knocking him backwards.

"That's for Jack, asshole," said Jackie, and she flipped her hair. "You nasty murderer. I hate you. I wish the bear trap had reached your crotch."

"Just for that, you get to pick your Pokemon last," said Professor Oak angrily. "You are lucky that I do not cast you into the Tauros Field to be trampled to death!"

"You people are sick," said Agnes. "Can we just get this over with? I have a plane to catch. I'm moving to Hoenn the second I get my passport from you."

Professor Oak smiled smugly. "Ah, you must be Agnes," he wheezed. "Your passport will not permit international travel until you attain at least six gym badges in Johto. For your snark, you will choose your Pokemon second."

"Are you serious?" said Jackie, an eyebrow raised. "What's your problem, bro? She just wants to survive. Stop being such a colossal jerk."

"You are in my lab, and whatever I say goes," hissed the Professor. "Let the records show"--he pointed at a recording device on the table--"that the order of Pokemon selection shall be Kelly, then Agnes, and Jackie. Kelly has advantage in the Pokemon selection since she is still eleven."

Kelly put a fist in the air. "Yes! That means I can do whatever I want, since you set the records already," she said. "Agnes, Jackie... who wants to talk some top-quality trash about Professor Oak?"

"Pick me!" said Jackie. "Professor Oak is a murdering cowardly pegleg douche!"

"Professor Oak is a worthless antagonizing drunk!" said Kelly.

"Professor Oak hasn't gotten any action since he was electrocuted by the curling iron he tried to shove in his ass!" said Agnes. "That's also why he's going bald and has hemorrhoids the size of a Snorlax."

Jackie and Kelly oohed at Agnes's response. "Brutal," said Jackie.

"I took lessons from you," said Agnes.

"Are you done yet?" spat the Professor.

Kelly laughed. "Nope! Professor Oak is a filthy tyrant responsible for dozens of kids' deaths, and he only Purges us because he's jealous of how beautiful and perfect we are. Unlike him."

"Professor Oak is so ugly, I heard Mark went blind when he first saw him," said Jackie. "I've seen more attractive Meowth crap in the woods!"

"Let the records show that Professor Oak looks like Meowth crap," said Agnes Mildred in a raspy, mocking voice.

The professor scowled and kicked Agnes's chair. Kelly shrieked and kicked the professor point blank in his remaining knee. He howled and fell to the ground, holding his leg; while falling, he grabbed for Agnes's chair and pulled her backwards. Agnes fell from the chair and landed on the professor's chest. She jumped and stood up, accidentally kicking him in the back of the head with her boot, knocking him unconscious.

"Well, this is a pickle," said Kelly. "I did not know you had that in you, Agnes!"

Jackie then walked over and kicked the professor between the legs. "That's also a pickle," she said. "We should probably get the hell out of here!"

"Where would we go?" asked Agnes. "We can't go into the woods without Pokemon."

"Obviously, we're going to have to steal Pokemon," said Kelly. She grabbed the recording device and threw it through a pane of glass that looked out into the hallway. She ran out the door and over to the receptionist. "Help, help!" she said. "A Voltorb rocked up to the meeting hall and exploded! It took out the window and knocked out Professor Oak!"

The receptionist stood up. "Oh, not again!" he said, and he followed Kelly to the decimated meeting hall. He began tending to Professor Oak's bleeding eyebrow. As the receptionist tried to stop the bleeding, Kelly motioned Agnes and Jackie down the hall; the three entered the room labeled "CLARK OAK'S LAB."

"Okay," said Jackie, looking left to right. "I see three packages on the counter over here--they have our names," she said. "It's probably a Pokedex and some balls for each of us. And there are three other Poke Balls by the window. I think those are the ones we're supposed to take as our starters."

Agnes nodded. "Kelly, you go first," she said as she removed a shard of glass that had gotten stuck in her long, impractical cardigan.

Kelly walked over to the table and grabbed all three Pokemon. "We have to get out of here," she said urgently. "It won't be long until the cops rock up, and once they cast Revive Smoke in the room, they'll realize there are no remnants of a ruined Voltorb."

Kelly tossed one Poke Ball to Agnes and the other to Jackie. "There's no time to check them out," said Jackie. "Let's roll!"

Jackie, Agnes and Kelly ran past the ruined meeting hall, around the corner of the reception desk, and out into the harsh June sunlight. Before them was a massive crowd; all the citizens of Pallet Town had gathered to celebrate the Purge. Immediately, a barrage of flashes blinded them further; the paparazzi had arrived at least.

"Happy birthday, Jackie!" called Jackie's mother from the crowd. "What Pokemon did you choose?"

Jackie gulped. "This one!" she said, throwing the ball in the air. A Bulbasaur emerged in a flash of red light; the little green critter looked up to Jackie with curious fuchsia eyes. "Great, can we go now?" she said quickly.

"Kelly Jones, how does it feel to be the first eleven-year-old trainer in six years?" asked another reporter. "Did you choose Squirtle or Charmander? Why?"

Kelly shrugged. "Obviously I chose the best Pokemon there is because I am going to be the greatest Pokemon Master since Gary Clark," she said. "See?"

Kelly tapped on her Poke Ball and a bright little lizard emerged in a flash. "Char?" said the critter.

"Oh, you chose Charmander!" said the reporter. "Why did you choose Charmander?"

"Because I can't wait to begin!" said Kelly. "Let's go, Agnes, Jackie!"

In two quick flashes, the Charmander and Bulbasaur returned to their Poke Balls, and the three girls ran through the crowd. "Jackie, Kelly, the cops are here!" shouted Agnes. "We have to run faster!"

They broke through the din, Jackie somersaulting as she tripped over a small child, and together, the three ran to the dusty path labeled Route One.