The World of Chess

[Perdanski]

Hello all, members of The PokéMasters! I am here to present my new fiction story. It is my first time posting a fiction with this username but my second one in the Fanfic's. This may be new to some of you who are already used to reading Pokémon fics, but I hope you still enjoy and like it. Hope the plot is good enough for you!

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Prologue
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In the lands beyond the farthest areas, in a place of emptiness, no ground nor sky, a black-hooded man floated or walked through. He walked a moment, turning right and left, left and right again, though it was confusing to tell where he was heading to; only he knew. Walking along or through this abyss-like space, he stopped suddenly, in the middle of nowhere.

He lifted his hooded head and looked into the mass nothingness, then raising his hand, pointing his index finger, as if he felt or touched something, he moved his finger around slowly, in a circling motion, repeating several times. Soon, out of nowhere, came a round line of white light, thin becoming thick, filling the man’s circling movement. It began to fill its emptiness inside itself, becoming whiter and whiter. Again, it glowed brighter, brighter and brighter, not stopping, until it to its brightest. Finally, when it ended its glow, the man returned his hand inside his clothes, which covered all the other body parts of his. Gradually, a view of something appeared, replacing the white shine in the middle. The view became clearer as time passed quickly, revealing somewhat of a war going on in another world. A knight-looking object killing a kind of soldier, a king giving orders, an archer firing a bow, which was out of sight when it reached to its target.

The unknown man grinned immediately when he saw his work of success, however his mind had thought something different.

It is not finished, he thought, one thing remains to be restored in the World of Chess, one thing would make all the difference, one thing to fulfill his creation.

He uncovered his weightless hood, and his dark dirty brown hair shown, his eyes were blue, though now they were changed to a black, not an ordinary black, but a flaming black, a black not many people could imagine. His old face full of wrinkles, each wrinkle in a different pattern, as if it symbolized some secret, some mysterious marking. And correct, it symbolized something, it signified something important, yet he himself didn’t know what it represented, he just knew it as some special marking made when he became how he is today.

The unidentified person raised his hands against the round wall-like shape of vision, but instead of pointing to it, he spread out his hands to try cover it. A kind of bright blue light, which became darker, flowed out of his thin magical palm. It spread out, floating through this space between him and the circle. It might have been seen as if it entered, though truly, it was still floating around near the other world, not yet in. After releasing some of the sky blue energy, the caster’s whole body was also illuminated with the same kind of colorful force, which increased as he continued. Until he forced out all of his strength against the white flat circle, the blue energy force that surrounded his body suddenly tried to devour his body. He tried to hold on, but not soon after, the energy apparently sucked out his life, then all entering the small view, and the view blurred immediately for about a minute or so, then minimized its size and disappeared into nothing.

[Suite Madame Blue]

Hmmm, intriguing start. The old man moves as the knight does on a chessboard. It will be interesting to see who he is, or was, if he's dead. The length is fine for a prologue; I'm assuming your chapters will be longer. My only criticism at this point is to watch your modifiers. Your final paragraph seemed indecisive because of phrases such as "kind of" and "apparently". The only sentence that should have contained any doubt was:

It might have been seen as if it entered, though truly, it was still floating around near the other world, not yet in.

The other modifiers only serve to weaken your descriptions. Sorry if I'm not explaining this very well. ^^:: My excuse is that it's still early in the morning.

Don't worry about this fic being non-pokemon. You are allowed to have other interests. I look forward to Chapter 1.

[mr_pikachu]

Interesting. I'm assuming the man made a world that is similar to how chess is played, though I'm not certain of its exact relation to the game. My advice for the future is to watch out for run-on sentences. You use a lot of commas to break up thoughts, and it really doesn't work in quite the way you're using them. If you have a complete thought on either side of a comma, you need to either change that comma (to a period or semicolon) or add a conjunction after the comma. That will help readers be able to understand what's going on a lot easier.

Your descriptions are certainly unique, albeit a tad frustrating. I'm a bit confused as to how it's unclear whether the man was walking or floating, for instance. But I guess that will be cleared up soon enough. Good start overall. This seems pretty unique, and I look forward to seeing where it leads. Until next chapter!

[Perdanski]

Suite Madame Blue: I guess I know what you mean. I'm sure I really haven't written for a long time, which makes what you said: "indecisive". But I'll try to improve that, for next time.

mr_pikachu: Yeah, I always make too much commas, sorry if it makes it unlear to read. I'll try to change that too. But I hope you still like it, other than the grammactical errors.

Well, I don't know when chapter one will be posted, but I'll post it as soon as possible. I hope you're all patient enough. ^^

[mistysakura]

Chess is fun! There was certainly enough description, maybe even a bit too much. IU sometimes lost the train of thought during the descriptions of the caster's spells. Perhaps bits here and there to remind us of what's going on, or splitting the desriptions into bits instead of one chunk. Aside from that, I like the idea of a chess-related fic (as I've expressed beofre), and it'll be interesting to see where this is going

Have fun writing.

[DannyBoy]

Told you I'd read it. This was a decent start. Kinda confusing to me on whats going to be happening but I should wait for chapter one since that will probably help me out. Don't really know much about chess other than its a game. The comma thing was already mentioned but other than that ot was good start. See ya!