Burning Ravens Hand ~ Rated M

[Leon-IH]

Ok, i've been thinking about the plot here for a while but please try not to kill me over punctuation or anything i can't spell properly, some criticism would be much appreciated. Also this is my first attempt at a fic.

Chapter 1: Epic's Attendance.

Ray spat again, for all the seven years i'd know Ray he had spat at least twenty times when he was conversing with people he didn't enjoy the company of, infact i would go so far as to say he hated them. I wonder if anyone else in the world would want to work with him, well more like work for him while he sat in the back of a carriage with various members of nobility (the one time he didn't spit every 20 seconds).

To put Ray in a nutshell, he was a dictator who knew how to make his actions seem to benefit everyone and anyone, he hated talking to anyone he wasn't escorting through the countryside and believe me he never even spoke to his own business partner if he could avoid it, his business partner being me.

I leant back again listening to the monotonous chipping of horses hooves along the beaten track, being a mercenary had it's moments and sitting on a wagon with a spoilt prince in the back and a bad tempered horsemaster at the front was not one of them, "bored again are we Garet?" came a call from Ray, a rare and unusual occurence - Ray not insulting me while asking a question, an immediate reply was "as usual Ray, but i don't think it can be much better for you eh" which was followed by a soft sigh from me and a bout of laughter that shook the carriage from Ray, one thing you could count on with Ray - bad taste in times to laugh.

As i turned back to watching the horses, -lovely willow grey horses- walking up the track to the twin cities of Dunedos and Gordalos which were just coming into view as we began our descent down the mountain, only a short while until we got to the tavern, finally a place where i can drink until i can see horses running over the moon.

The sunset i was watching appear similar to the seaside sunsets you get in spring, orange and pink contrasted and dropped onto the blue lake that the cities were built around, suddenly i noticed we were entering the last dangerous, or potentially dangerous part of our seven week journey which had so far involved a flood, fire holding us up, at least one possibly two earthquakes and various stays which went longer than planned due to the spoilt prince wanting to meet and greet the local royalty.

A sudden crash brought me out of my thoughts, i looked down and noticed the front wheel on the carriage had snapped like a twig, thinking no more of it i put a hand to my trusty axe while hearing a background yell of "Someone light a bloody ****ing torch" from the horsemaster who was as i mentioned, not a good tempered fellow and not well mannered either to say the least, Ray had a torch lit in the carriage instantly knowing full well that any moment now we might be in for a fight, he and the prince came down to meet me and the horsemaster while glowering around, the horsemaster began to see what the potential problems with the wheel were, while i saw Ray handing his sword to the prince -I wouldn't have thought the brat would be able to bear arms- but Ray seemed to think otherwise, and even if he could not he might give us an extra second or two.

"Bah bloody 'ell, the ****in spoke is snapped right out and i'm not off to fetch a new one" came the voice of our "friend" the horsemaster, i hadn't even bothered asking his name because I assumed the reply would be something to the effect of "Mind your bloody business". Ray spoke up, the first words He, I, or the Prince had spoken since the spoke snapped "I'm going to get my spear from the back, maybe we can use that to hold in place until we reach the twin cities.

When Ray returned a few moments later he had his spear and some liquid which he used for either covering wounds, fixing shirts, repairing swords or any other general use, it was never any good at much but it was quite sticky, "Raymond hand me your axe a moment", i handed him my axe, knowing he was far superior to me when it came to precision, with a swift downward stroke he hacked the spear handle at the opposite end to the point giving himself a small stake like piece of wood, suddenly he hurled the stake into the bushes at the roadside which appeared to be quite fearsome to say the least, a muffled voice said in what would have been a roar but for the muffling "**** they spotted us, get 'um boys".

With that a group of around 5 surrounding us and me without an axe, i didn't feel entirely comfortable, Ray lifted his spear and stabbed one of them but was assaulted from either side by another two, i grabbed one in a wrestlers grip and without any armour it was easy enough to lift him over my head, an enormous crash behind me signified his neck snapping, i noticed one of them catch the prince a huge open fisted blow to the head which caused blood to spring from his nose and mouth, the horsemaster used the torch to fend the remaining one off, with a sudden crash i saw Ray hit the ground, i lept across the ground putting a hand to my axe in the process and kicking the man who had felled him and using my foot to put him in a rather less comfortable place than Ray, i scouted around and saw the prince fighting like a madman while the horsemaster had used his torch to take his man down, i made a dive on the combination of the prince and the bandit, however he was too strong for me and threw me to the ground then suddenly as he reached for his sword i heard a sickening crunch above me.

A dead weight flopped down on me and I rolled to the side to see who had just saved me from an untimely fate, it was Ray who with his usual dry wit remarked "I'm assuming you'd rather not have him lying on you all night" and lifted the body off me, the carnage was tremendous, blood was everywhere and none of the four of us stood without a wound of some sort, i felt blood trickle like treacle down my back while Ray's face had a large open wound on the left hand side from my point of view. The horsemaster was standing alone and panting a little while acting like he was interested in the whole wheel problem which had been forced to the backs of our minds for a moment, it was then that I decided to speak up, but before i got a word in the prince said "Good work all of you, might i ask your counsel on whether we should set a camp of sorts up here or press on while the shadows lengthen."

Ray, in his usual way glowered and stared at the wheel for a while, he went towards the bush and, before checking for the stake he had previously cut, jabbed his spear in six times, he then leant his hand in and removed the stake from the bush and began the painful task of fixing the cart wheel "looks as though he has decided for us eh?" said the horsemaster, for the first time showing a mild sense of humour and a little more courtesy.

[DannyBoy]

I really like this so far but I see one problem. But before I go into it let me say I like your description of some things even though it could be worked on just a little bit more.

The problem you use the comma to much and have run on sentances. I know you said don't really mention it but I want to show you how one example should look.

I leant back again listening to the monotonous chipping of horses hooves along the beaten track, being a mercenary had it's moments and sitting on a wagon with a spoilt prince in the back and a bad tempered horsemaster at the front was not one of them, "bored again are we Garet?" came a call from Ray, a rare and unusual occurence - Ray not insulting me while asking a question, an immediate reply was "as usual Ray, but i don't think it can be much better for you eh" which was followed by a soft sigh from me and a bout of laughter that shook the carriage from Ray, one thing you could count on with Ray - bad taste in times to laugh.

It could look like this. See how its spaced out with the one quote and there isn't as many commas.

I leant back again listening to the monotonous chipping of horses hooves along the beaten track. Being a mercenary had it's moments and sitting on a wagon with a spoilt prince in the back and a bad tempered horsemaster at the front was not one of them.

"Bored again are we Garet?" came a call from Ray, a rare and unusual occurence.

Ray not insulting me while asking a question, an immediate reply was, "As usual Ray, but I don't think it can be much better for you eh," which was followed by a soft sigh from me and a bout of laughter that shook the carriage from Ray. One thing you could count on with Ray, bad taste in times to laugh.

But other than that this was pretty good for a first fic. In the example about the horse hoves and such is good description IMO. The end part was creep with the dead body on top of him. I would freak out...then again I think everyone would freak out. See ya next chapter!

[mr_pikachu]

ImmortalDreams is exactly right. Your spelling was alright - I've definitely seen much worse - and your grammar was okay for the most part. You just need to remember that you can't break everything up with commas. Sometimes you need semicolons and periods, too. Also, remember that "I" (as, "I am going to the market...") should be capitalized. Otherwise your grammar was alright.

As previously mentioned, good use of description, as well as dialogue to portray the personalities of others. This is a good start. Although I don't know where it'll lead, it seems promising. Well, see you next chapter!

[Leon-IH]

@ ImmortalDreams - Thanks for replying. Hopefully this one is a bit better in the sense of commas eh?

@mr_pikachu - Thanks for the feedback and reading what was self-admittedly a rather clumsy chapter.

This chapter is meant to work as a little nudge towards the storyline i suppose while keeping things interesting.

Chapter 2: To Kill A Sneaky Bird

Ray was as usual spitting again as he fixed the cartwheel, our torch was out because we were getting low on torches and we'd need them again tonight no doubt about that.

The prince was cutting some strips of linen from the carriage curtains and using them to bandage anyone who had wounds in an obvious place, fixing them in place with a knot - a good solid knot too - he finally wrapped one around my head wound and despite the fact it hurt like a hot knife I felt it was best to keep it on.

"Ach Garet, it does nuh luke gude" muttered the horsemaster in his usual hard edged accented fashion, seeing Ray's frustrated display of punching the ground. "Whats happening Ray?" i asked and slapped my wrists waiting for a reply, "It'll hold, but it needs some time to stick lets make a camp here and get some sleep" Ray replied, trying not to sound like a ruffian.

Ray took my axe and hacked down a few solid tree branches and a few smaller branches, while he was starting the fire in a circle of stones in the road which he had also gathered the horsemaster pulled my arm "Garet, can you come with me, you might want to see this".

He and I walked to where he had been fighting, in the rush of things I had failed to notice which of our agressors had been the leader - but one look at this slightly burnt and greatly battered body and it was obvious, he had the symbol of what appeared to be a dark coloured bird tatooed onto his upper arm, yet it had glimmers of red on one wing which obviously were not blood, or meant to be blood judging by thier colour.

"Thaz the ordah orv dee sacred raven an asazzin ordah az I tink.. probahrly aftah ohr princeling 'ere" he said in his usual hefty accent which changed with every passing sentance, "Well the lads father did say it wouldn't be the easiest of jobs escorting him to the city and getting him home alive, he didn't say why but i had a feeling he knew something I didn't, and by the way what's your name?" I replied feeling rude while trying to link things together mentally - i really needed something to write with.

A sudden rush of air from the night caught my attention as Ray and the prince joined us as the horsemaster said "Ach, the name is Julian but just stick to calling me Ian if you find it easier". Ray was immediately in action as he rushed to us, hurling his spear clean over my head.

I heard a loud crash behind me, I turned in a flash to see what had occured and was instantly shocked by the body i saw lying there, a womans body with a face of a modest sort and with a dagger in her hand. My brilliant career had almost been ended by a sneak attack, Ian gasped and I felt shocked, suddenly i felt a slight trickle of blood on my lower leg, she had come within inches of suceeding too.

Ian was the first to really get into gear of the four of us, a fight and now a failed sneak attack, Ian was on the ground as he bared her arms and stood bolt upright looking as shocked as ever a man alive "Ta Raven, this place isna safe, get a torch to the fron of the carriage and mebbe we be guin".

About a minute later we were all in the cart, off on the dusty road again, this time in the dark. "Garet, good thing i turned up eh?" said Ray in his ever present dry manner "I suppose so Ray, but I guess that makes up for me saving you earlier" I said in a tone almost as dry as Ray's "Afraid not, he still owes you something" said the prince quietly "I spotted the rogue for him when she tried to sneak around the bushes, else we wouldn't have been there".

Ray cracked open a satchel which contained a few dry biscuits and what remained of our original provisions - Salted Beef, Cheese, a small bottle of water and lastly a pair of golden apples, he passed an apple to the prince and smiled "your first act of manhood my lad, hopefully one of many" and passed him an apple while himself gnawing on the remaining cheese.

I leant over for some water to attempt to cure my thirst, I palmed the remaining apple and went to the front of the carriage to give it to Ian, who was in my opinion deserving - we knew who our assailants were thanks to him, maybe we could extract some sort of revenge when we reached the twin cities.

[mr_pikachu]

You're getting better with the commas, but you've still got room to improve. Try to judge what thoughts are independent of each other. If you have two thoughts that are dissimilar or your sentence would be unreasonably long, you need to try to break things up into managable parts. For instance:

My brilliant career had almost been ended by a sneak attack, Ian gasped and I felt shocked, suddenly i felt a slight trickle of blood on my lower leg, she had come within inches of suceeding too.

The first comma cannot connect everything properly, as the ending of his career and Ian gasping are unrelated thoughts. The second and third commas should be changed for the same reasons. Consider both sides of the comma whenever you use one. If both could be a complete sentence on their own, you cannot join them merely with a comma. You need to either add a conjunction with it, or use another punctuation mark.

Also, a minor thing that I noticed involved your quotes. When you're quoting someone's speech, you need to have a punctuation mark before the end of the quote. As an example:

"Ach Garet, it does nuh luke gude" muttered the horsemaster in his usual hard edged accented fashion, seeing Ray's frustrated display of punching the ground.

This is actually grammatically incorrect, because you need to use punctuation to end the quoted sentence. If you continue on with the sentence (as in this case, with "muttered the horsemaster"), you can use any normal closing punctuation mark except for a period. If you want to show a normal statement or command (or show that the quoted sentence is not complete), you can use a comma. If you start another thought immediately after the quote, you may use a period as you normally would (or any of the other options for different types of sentences).

Otherwise, this is getting along. Apparently danger lurks around every corner in this world. It'll be interesting to see how our party copes with it. Keep developing your characters and their personalities. Well, I'll see you next chapter!

[Leon-IH]

@ mr_pikachu - thanks for keeping up with my rather odd plot so far. I think this is going to be a better chapter, even if a bit brief.

Chapter 3: Flight of the Raven.

A cold chill of air ran along my body as I left the covered carriage to speak to Ian which almost caused me to drop his apple, Scaling a moving carriage is not easy when it's cold.

Ian was shuddering slightly in the chill of night due to his lack of a good coat. It seemed we were closing in on the twin cities now, maybe 40 minutes and we would be there, without any interruptions.

Ian hadn't noticed me coming in his usual semi-conscious manner that had followed him since the fight earlier and was therefore surprised when i came behind him and said "say Ian, in the mood for an apple?" his reply was short and to the point "yeh thankeh, sey whare'd this coome frum?" in his usual accent which bite the wind "our food satchel, the last one."

Ian grinned slightly and took a small nibble from his apple and stared into the night ahead, the limited torchlight not showing alot to us yet lighting us up like a christmas tree for anyone looking to attack. "Say Ian how long do you think this trip will take now?" I asked, hoping he would say something comforting "a wee tyke over half an owher i shuld expecht" he replied calmly.

It was then that I noticed that Ian had for the first time rolled his sleeves up revealing a scar proportionate roughly to a tatoo on his upper arm, "say Ian. How did you get that scar?" I asked hoping not to sound intrusive as i leant back and waied for a reply "once, back when i was a young man like yourself I made some mistakes and thought the guilds of rogues were the best way to lead my life I was a member of the Sacred Raven, but I deliberately lost myself on a mission so i could leave them. I changed my accent, cut my hair and scarred myself and became a man worthy of respect among my peers again and went into this business, carriage driving for the king of Ankh - this is my first journey out of the kingdom though, finally the king thought he could trust me, and finally I thought i could trust someone to know my secret again" he said quietly yet slowly and clearly as though he didn't know why he was telling me this.

I was shocked, amazed, I noticed Ian had some built up tension but i never realised the extent of it as i looked up I noticed the lights of the twin cities glimmering alot closer than before, we were almost there.

I slunk back to the carriage still shocked beyond belief, no wonder he had know and no wonder he could fight so well - for a horsemaster he was very skillful with weapons not to mention identifying criminal syndicates.

Ray looked at me in his usual non-dramatic way and muttered "so, you had a long chat eh?" immediately i could tell he had overheard us, the prince was asleep on the soft cushioned seat of the carriage "did i hear?" i enquired, Ray paused a moment before muttering "no, he fell asleep after i gave him the apple" with a grim smile i realised what he had done, sleeping potion.

"He deserves a good rest" Ray continued, "but I didn't give him the apple for that, I think i will go and speak to our friend Ian.. don't worry I won't tell him that I know" he finished, leaving me alone in the carriage to get some sleep.

[DannyBoy]

Those were decent chapters. Noticed several spelling errors like tatoo, it should be tattoo. Also you forget to capitalize 'I' several times. Both were pretty short and I fell you could spend a little bit more time on them and make them a little longer. They seemed a bit rushed.

Also you had a few grammer errors. When you do quotes and if the last word doesnt end with a ! or ? you will use a comma instead of nothing.

Also you still have a few run on sentances like,

I was shocked, amazed, I noticed Ian had some built up tension but i never realised the extent of it as i looked up I noticed the lights of the twin cities glimmering alot closer than before, we were almost there.

Should be something like,

I was shocked and yet amazed. I noticed Ian had some built up tension but I never realised the extent of it. As I looked up and I noticed the lights of the twin cities glimmering alot closer than before. I knew we were almost there.

See the differeance? Hope that helps a little. Just try not to go comma happy a lot and you'll do fine. Something that sorta helps that helps me and sometimes if you don't know if a comma belongs some where, say the sentance out loud to yourself to see if it makes sense or not. If not, use a period. Hope I kinda help some. See ya later!

[mr_pikachu]

I agree with everything ImmortalDreams said. He's right in both respects. Also, when you change speakers you have to start a new paragraph. Two speakers can't speak in the same paragraph, unless they're speaking in unison. Try to work on these grammatical issues. It'll help get readers into your fic.

I like the developing plot, though I can't say I understand all of it. I'm guessing you intended to have some mystery thrown in there. The characters are, for the most part, fairly unique. We'll see where this leads!

[Leon-IH]

Adding another chapter tomorrow probably, im feelin sick tonight.

[Leon-IH]

Sorry anyone who bothers to read the extreme oddness that is my fic for the delay in putting this up, various hand related issues have prevented me typing for lengths of time (joint locks gone wrong )

Chapter 4: Inn Antics and Blazing Flagons.

When I awoke from my deep slumber it was early morning, and Ray was still awake somehow despite all harshness of night.

The next thing I noticed was that we had arrived at the twin cities and that Ian was gone, probably to an Inn or maybe to somewhere that he could sleep in peace, he would need it that was certain enough.

I got up and shook Ray awake, he woke up quickly and grabbed my neck before he realised who it was waking him up "Darn it Garet, why must you wake me so sharply?" he growled at me once he realised who had shook him.

Most people would have been affronted by this display of anger but I had known Ray for a long time and it was his nature. "Say Ray, you want to find our princeling here a bed and maybe get ourselves something to drink?" I enquired, "Bah, I suppose we should get him up to the castle where he was meant to be taken to - dam Ian going away on us" He muttered quietly.

We lifted the sleeping prince across Ray's shoulders -him being shorter and stronger than I- and began a walk down the dark paved street staying alert and listening to singing coming from the various Inn's around us, Summer Solstace was this week and the Twin Cities would probably get less than no work done but we had to bring the Prince for the Ceremonies.

When we reached the castle I was carrying the Prince due to Ray being a little worn out, Ray bashed on the door and showed the Gatekeepers the seal of Ankh's King Johan, the Princes father and we were allowed into a courtyard - a grassy area with various shrubs.

Soon we were escorted up to a room in the main keep where the Prince was given a bed and we lifted him down, "say, have you seen a man named Ian around here? red haired, beard, solid built?" said Ray in a very nonchalent manner, "yeh we did see a fella of that description - didn't catch his name though, why you be asking?" the guard replied quietly and Ray replied swiftly "he was a companion of ours, ever since we were attacked earlier he has been behaving oddly."

The guard seemed unnerved by this revelation and asked us to leave swiftly suggesting we get out of the twin cities muttering something about a syndicate while all the time ushering us out of the building, when we enquired about the Prince, the guard said that he would be on watch for any suspicious individuals.

Soon enough we were out in the chill again wondering what was going on while walking down the paved street looking for an Inn- suddenly Ray yelled "Duck!" and we both reached down for our weapons, we looked around and realised we had walked into a trap.

Three men surrounded us, no escape I thought as I reached for my only weapon on me - a Long Knife - they rushed towards us and I saw Ray reach for his Axe, well my axe but that wasn't an issue, the first one to each us was dispatched by a massive sweeping swing by Ray but the second took Ray under than chin with his mailed fist.

Two on One - not good, I hooked my knife at the man who had knocked Ray down and was thankful to hear a sickening creech of bone breaking however the other man was using his mind and reached for his warhammer, I felt a sudden crunch on my chest as I lept back to escape his blow and tried to regather my breath as he continued his advance, I made a stabbing stroke but the heavy links of his mail armour prevented me from harming him while he frustrated brought the full weight of his armoured body to a standstill on my toe and leant back to deliver the blow that was to be my death, in a last rush of desperation I pushed him back as hard as my body would let me.

He was too strong and rushed forward again bringing the weight of his warhammer down on my elbow causing incredible pain as he planted himself on my foot again and swung up his hammer for the final blow when suddenly he hunched down with a wound in his spine from which shot blood into my eyes, I was confused until a voice out of the night said "Garet, we meet agin eh lad."

It was Ian, he had already walked across a few feet and was lifting Ray up "Say, is Ray alright?" I asked "Aye, he be fuin with soome rezt und a goode drink!" he replied with emphasis on the good drink part, we walked along the cobbles again until we were back at the carriage where I nursed my arm and wrapped it thickly in the remains of the carriages once-fine curtains.

"So, how did you know we were in trouble Ian?" I said, pressing to know the answer as to how he know of our plight "Ach lad, ey overhurd soome cunvasashun whule guttin a drunk of aile ut theh Inn un folluhed thuse whu attucked thee" he replied, I knew immediately he was lying but I was in no condition to press the conversation further. I looked around the night and for the first time, all seemed still.

[mr_pikachu]

Ooh, sorry about your hand trouble. I have similar problems, but it doesn't affect typing much, at least.

Interesting chapter. A bit fast, but still interesting. I like the accent, as always, and the character interaction is good, but brief. It would do you good to add a bit to that.

Again, watch out for run-on sentences! As a general rule, if a sentence spans the length of an entire paragraph, you need to make sure it isn't a run-on sentence. If there's a noun and a verb acting on the noun on each side of the sentence, and all you've done is separate the parts with commas... you're in trouble. You need to do one of the following in those cases:

1. Put a conjunction after the comma.
2. Change the comma to a period and change the capitalization accordingly.
3. Change the comma to a semicolon.

Remember this advice, for it will serve you well. Also, before I forget, when you change speakers you must start a new paragraph. Two people can't speak in the same paragraph, unless they're speaking in unison.

Well, see you next chapter!

[Leon-IH]

Adding another post maybe tomorrow, im really hating this wrist trouble.. it means I can't write a whole chapter at a time