Do you like cheese? If so, this collection of stories will be perfect for you. If you don't... this collection of stories will be perfect for you. Did I forget to mention that this collection of stories will be perfect for you? Good. Here is the first of a collection of stories that will be perfect for you.

~*The af;lkjglk;uer Chronicles*~

It was a bright and sunny day as a young boy got up from his toaster. Yes, this boy slept in a giant toaster. Why? Don't ask. Never ask, or you will be confused and your head could possibly explode. Three people died when they asked questions about my story. Don't become another Jorg.

Anywho, I digress. The young boy got up, wearing three different pairs of shorts at once, and went downstairs. Only to find his family being surrounded by meerkats. Not just any meerkats. Dyslexic meerkats.

"Girl, help us!" shouted the mother. She was wearing... aah, who the hell cares about description?

"But how do I help you?" responded Girl. Yes, the boy was named Girl. Your eyes do not deceive you. But the pumpkins might. Hmm... you'd better throw out those pumpkins of yours before you continue reading. What's that? You don't have any pumpkins? Well, then go to the store and buy some, then throw them out! Sheesh, why do I have to tell you everything?

"You must go to the Everlasting Forest of Butter, and find the legendary af;lkjglk;uer, which contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time!"

"And don't forget to bring a towel!" Towellie exclaimed. Girl looked behind him, and saw a blue towel with white stripes at both ends of it standing up and staring at him. Where did this towel come from? Who knows.

"Umm... okay..." Girl responded, confused.

"...Wanna get high?" Towellie blurted out after a brief pause.

"No thanks." Towellie abruptly vanished.

So, the boy set off on a mystical journey in typical cliche RPG fashion. He had a backpack, presumably full of supplies, and with his trusted weapon, a stick that was named Charlie, he slayed all the monsters that appeared before him, gaining experience points and money.

Except there were no monsters. But plenty of pizza. Yes, plenty of pizza.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the dyslexic meerkats were playing cards with the family.

Wait, what ranch? Oh, ranch dressing. Let's talk about ranch dressing for a moment. It's white. Yes, very white. And creamy. Yes, creamy. And it tastes like ranch dressing. Did you know that? By the way, I like cheese. Did you know that? Did you? I bet you didn't. Anyways, cheese and ranch dressing so do not go together. But what about blue cheese? That's dressing, isn't it? But it doesn't go with ranch dressing. Now does it?

Spiffleamadingdong.

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Girl had reached the Forest of Everlasting Butter, when suddenly, an owl appeared. Some really strange music started playing, and the owl was about to talk to the young lad and bestow upon him some mystic knowledge important to his quest. But instead, the owl turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

The Forest was very green. Yes, very green. And there was no butter in it whatsoever. It was a normal, regular forest. With regular, normal trees, and regular, normal wildlife. And occasionally a regular, normal fallen tree would block the regular, normal path that snaked in a regular, normal fashion through the regular, normal woods.

No one knows why the forest is named after president Kennedy. All they know is that it's called the Forest of Everlasting Butter, and it was, in fact, not named after president Kennedy. Nor was it named by president Kennedy, who would have named it Shmekl. Nor did it have anything to do with president Kennedy whatsoever.

Upon Girl's journey through the forest, he happened to run into a Pikachu. But not just any regular old Pikachu. Wait, on second thought, yes, it is just a regular old Pikachu. And it has nothing to do with the story. Well, actually yes it does. The boy lobbed a Poké Ball from his backpack at the Pikachu. The ball hits the Pikachu, who then gets sucked into the ball. The ball jiggled... it jiggled... then it turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

No sooner does Girl take another step, when an old, bald man with grey hair shouts "You can't go through here! This is private property!" Girl then realized that this was because he did not deliver Oak's Parcel from the local Poké Mart back to Professor Oak yet. He then set off for this Poké Mart. But unfortunately, it had already turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Girl went back to that point in the forest. The old man stopped him. But instead of yelling at him, he went into a long, drawn out explanation on how to catch a Pokémon. The young lad stared impatiently as he threw a Poké Ball at a level 5 Weedle, and caught it. When the demonstration was over, the man added, "First, you must weaken the target." He then turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good... no it didn't. Yuck! Old man cheese.

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The paraplegic meerkats were still playing cards with the family. Right now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "weren't those supposed to be dyslexic meerkats?" To which I must remind you NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS. Do you want your head to explode? I didn't think so. Going on...

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Girl had finally reached the center of the forest. What's that? He hasn't? Ok, let's stall for time by talking about spandex. Spandex is stretchy. It comes in all colors, and is not pretty when morbidly obese people wear it. Did you know that?

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Food policy is a plan or course of action intended to influence and determine decisions, actions, behavior, and perceptions to enable people access enough food for an active, healthy life. It consists of the setting of goals for food production, processing, marketing, availability, access, utilization and consumption, as well as the processes for achieving these goals on a local, national, regional and global level. More specifically, food policy comprises the mechanisms by which food-related matters are addressed or administered by governments, by international bodies or networks, or by any public institution or private organization. As a subfield of public policy, food policy covers the entire food chain, from natural resources (such as soils, water, and biodiversity), to production (crops and animals), to processing, marketing, and retailing, as well as food consumption (including food safety) and nutrition (including nutrition-related health). Food policy shapes the structure and functioning of the food system in the direction of the intended goals.

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I have feet.

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Yeesh, finally. Girl reached the center of the forest. There was a huge clearing, and in the middle was a large tree stump. Typically a place where something important to a quest in your usual RPG would lie. And, of course, there, on the center of that large stump, within a cone of light, was af;lkjglk;uer. af;lkjglk;uer had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. That is all that can be said about af;lkjglk;uer.

Let me tell you about an important grammatical rule of af;lkjglk;uer. It must never, never, EVER be capitalized. Or else a four-headed monkey will eat you. Unless you journey to the planet HAAAAAAAAACK!... sorry, I coughed. The planet Jibomar. There you must take a test. The test involves eating pencils and chewing gum. It also involves running from huge electric squirrels, and destroying the Death Star. If you can accomplish these feats, all the while carrying three feathers, you... still get eaten by a four-headed monkey. But it's much more fun that way.

So anyways, the boy walked up to the af;lkjglk;uer. He took it from its stump in the forest. That, of course, triggered a boss battle. A huge, scary looking orc appeared in front of him. He was bald, whitish-purple in color, and wore only a loin cloth. He was of course humanoid in shape. Armed with his trusted stick Charlie, the boy attacked. Of course, the stick broke on the orc harmlessly. The orc looked at the boy ferociously, as though he were ready to tear the boy to pieces. The boy knew he could only do one thing. He stood on the stump, and a mystical rune appeared around him. The boy was channeling all his energy into this magic. Of course, the orc waited for the boy to finish casting his magic spell which surely would mean doom for the orc.

About ten seconds later, a carrot drops down from the sky. A harmless, measly looking carrot. It was kinda shriveled actually. It landed on the ground next to the orc with a harmless thud. The orc looked at the boy... and broke down in laughter. Of course, this had cost the boy all his MP. Quickly, the boy ran between the orc's legs while the orc was distracted. The orc chased him. It was not long, however, before the orc turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

He then realized that he had left af;lkjglk;uer at the stump. He ran back to go get it. But unfortunately... it had turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

Or so he thought. The cheese he just ate was the embodiment of af;lkjglk;uer. The boy now had the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time. He was now af;lkjglk;uer.

The boy knew that this was what he needed to do to save his family from the manic-depressive meerkats. Quickly, he hurried home out of the forest, which abruptly turned into a piece of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

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His family was still there. His mother, his sister, his father, and his brother. They were now playing army men with their captors, the triskaidekaphobic meerkats. The boy was desperately hurrying home. But suddenly, he was stopped by rabid Plusles. The rabid Plusles wanted to know the fastest way to get to Antarctica. So the boy told them it was south. The funny thing is, no matter where he was in the world, he was right about that. Amazing.

"...hey, is that af;lkjglk;uer? That which contains the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time?" One of the rabid Plusles stopped him.

"Why yes, that is af;lkjglk;uer!"

"Wow... behold... its properties of both zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj... at the same time..."

"No WAI!" Another rabid Plusle came when she saw af;lkjglk;uer.

"af;lkjglk;uer! af;lkjglk;uer!" A bunch of younger rabid Plusles ran up to af;lkjglk;uer.

"Umm... I have to get home." af;lkjglk;uer sang. Yes, sang. And he flitted off to his house. The rabid Plusles were disappointed, but they were soon enamored with a bowl of potato salad and forgot all about af;lkjglk;uer.

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Tomato paste.

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af;lkjglk;uer burst into the house where the family was still playing army men with the bulimic jack-o-lanterns. He then used the properties of zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj at the same time to seize control of Uzbekistan. This suddenly caused the schizophrenic tomatoes to turn into pieces of cheese. Girl grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

And thus, the family was freed. Girl had to vomit from eating all that cheese, and thus lost the properties of af;lkjglk;uer: zklgaerlt and c.,lagshj. And the moral of this story is, never capsize a niblor. Or they will turn into marklar. Marklar. Marklar marklar marklar. Marklar? Marklar!

The story turned into a piece of cheese. I grabbed the cheese and ate it. It tasted good.

THE END.

or is it?

Yes, it is.

Is it really?

YES.

Really?

YES.

Really really?

YES.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaallly?

I said YES!

Oh, fine. I'll give you an epilogue. Everyone in the story settled in my stomach, because it became a piece of cheese and I ate it. The end.