Writing Pains

[shazza]

It might be coincidence, but as long as she's present in the house, I feel like I can't concentrate the way I used to be able to.

I don't think it's a coincidence at all. No matter how much you presumably love her, writing is a private undertaking. You cannot focus fully on the internal world of written words when you know at the back of your mind there is someone in the external world observing you and has the cursed ability to distract. I guess it might be, for me anyway, an anxiety about entering into that state when the external world is alive and watchful.

I’ve faced a continuous battle with procrastination and self doubt regarding my writing – and other creative and academic endeavours – approximately since I hit puberty.

My main issue has been anxiety regarding it; too much self-doubt and awareness to allow a flowing stream of thought. The niggling doubt that whatever I produce is not good enough, or what others would think (regardless whether it’s public or private) has postponed and sometimes killed what could have been a wonderful idea coming to fruition. Who knows what I can accomplish without the self fulfilling prophecy of self doubt? But that’s all in your mind. It’s just another present moment thought which is conflicting with the potentially creative – and as long as both these thoughts exist, there will be an unnecessary self-conscious echo reverberating in your brain. Even now has been a struggle: I initially saw this topic a couple of days ago and have occasionally fantasied about what I could have written, and even now this entire message will not be identical to what I first envisioned. Previously, knowing that would make me irritable and I’d conceive in my head how whatever I attempt now, since I can’t remember the initial thought verbatim, will not match up to the initial attempt. But, my friends, there is a light: the insight into this has (to an extent) aided and allowed me to not think so much about thinking; I’ve just been thinking. There is no separate thinker from the thoughts. It’s all just thoughts. Too much self-awareness is what we folks call anxiety.

I can write in a variety of different means – analytical, journalistic, satirical, retardedly (Mt. Moon), opinionated – and I do more or less a good job. I’ve tried a fair few attempts to write raw poetry – some can be displayed in ‘The Poetry Corner’ – but creative writing IS the most primal and embrace of emotion. When I do come up with creative ideas, I’m typically comfortable during witty things like sitcoms or satirical pieces or whatever. And humor is a wonderful ability to write, and I am forever thankful for that gift. But there is other areas which I wish to expand upon – but these are the same areas I am self-conscious about.

You mentioned ADD/ADHD. This time last year I was convinced I had it, and even today I wouldn’t be surprised if I have a bit. Because, as you are quite right, doesn’t everyone to an extent? I once wanted medication for it, but that isn’t the case now. Meditation rather than medication! To become aware of your thoughts, and notice how the present moment is eternity, you CAN remain more concentrated. If you feel you are becoming too distracted, set outside and look into the stars. The cosmos will never fail to calm you down and put things into an oceanic perspective.

And remember you are writing not for anyone else. But for yourself. Because you love it. It opens up a side of you that perhaps the verbal language fails to do. Writing this was not just for you, but as is clear, a reminder to myself.

Since starting an 8.30-5 job, I have had regular fears that my imagination is dying. It’s killing the true side of me. But that will never die as long as I adequately am able to manage my time effectively. Before I had a full time job, I didn’t do much writing because I had too much time to think and doubt myself; now I don’t have enough time to think too much and am slowly procrastinating less. Not perfect but any means, but I know I have improved.

Don’t think about thinking. Thinking about thinking will put you in this continuous loop. Then you’ll think about the thinker who is thinking. Then that one. Endless.

Then again, I may be completely off the mark and it’s an entirely different issue. But I’m pretty convinced that lack of attention and too much self-awareness are entwined issues. I’ll leave on this note.

‘There was a young man who said, though
It seems that I know that I know
What I would like to see
Is the I that knows me
When I know that I know that I know’

Good luck! You seem like a very intelligent and creative individual.

P.S: Definitely loving all the newbies lately that are offering different kinds of interesting topics.