Jokes

[PancaKe]

What's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table!

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

When I was a little boy, when someone told me a joke, I always thougt it was his or her own invention. But I'll tell you one of mine, hope you can understand a half of it. It's based on a celebration in Finland's Independence Day called 'Linnan juhlat' where the President of Finland invites politicians, sportsmen, famous people, even 'ordinary' people.

Why didn't Mikachu Yukitatsu get to Linnan juhlat?

He was told you cannot enter with that kind of mask, not even Lordi can!

LAUGH!

Why am I not hearing anything?

[PancaKe]

A lady takes her dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up off the table, and it makes a small whine.

"Goodness," the vet says. "I'm going to have to put this dog down!"

"Oh no! What's wrong with it?" the lady cries.

"It's too bloody heavy!"

[PNT510]

A rabbi, a priest, and a pastor walked into a bar. The Bartender says "What is this, some kinda joke?"

[PancaKe]

Mummy mummy, the kids at school keep teasing me and calling me a werewolf!

Shut up and brush your face.

[Little_Pikachu]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a cookie"

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a cookie'

[Shadow Wolf]

Three guys with the names Stupid, No One and Nobody are hanging on a town. Nobody fell into a sewer and Stupid went for help. He found a cop and told him:

-"Please help me! Nobody fell into a sewer and No One is helping him."

-"Are you stupid?"

-"Yeah, nice to meet you."

[MToolen]

So Mahatma Gandhi, due to his wandering lifestyle, would subsist mainly on wild herbs and mushrooms, which accounted for his terribly bad breath and extremely frail physique. Also, his main mode of transportation was walking extremely long distances on naught but his sore bare feet.

One could say he was a super-calloused fragile mister hexed by halitosis.

Ba-zing!

[Phoenixsong]

Michael Jackson went to the beach and started setting up his towel and umbrella in front of a woman.

The woman said, "Excuse me, sir, you're in my sun."

(if you don't get it, try reading it out loud)


...and for those of you looking for something a little racier...


A young man got onto a bus one afternoon and saw a nun sitting in one of the seats. She was a very attractive young nun, and he wanted to have sex with her. "Hello there, sister," he said, sitting down next to her. "I think you're really hot and I want to have sex with you."

The nun was flabbergasted. "Excuse me, sir!" she exclaimed. "How dare you?! I am a woman of God!" And she got up, pushed past him and got off the bus at the next stop.

The young man felt as though his day had been ruined and prepared to get off at the next stop. Taking pity on him, the man driving the bus said, "Look, I know you really wanted to do that nun, so I'll tell you something that might help you out. Every Wednesday at midnight she goes to the cemetery and prays for the souls of the dead. You can meet her again there." The young man thanked him and left.

That Wednesday night the young man crept into the cemetery wearing a dark robe and a mask. He hid in the bushes to wait and, sure enough, the nun showed up at midnight and knelt down to pray for the dead. The young man jumped out of the bushes and shouted, "I am Jesus!"

Frightened, the nun immediately bowed, kissed his feet and wept. "Oh, my Lord Jesus, I am your most humble servant! If there is anything I can do for you, anything at all, just tell me and it shall be done!" she sobbed.

"Have sex with me!" said the young man, surprised and pleased to see that his plan was working.

"Of course, of course!" said the nun. "But only on one condition: it must be anal."

The young man was a little confused, but as he was about to score with a crazy-hot nun he didn't particularly care. "Okay, sure," he said.

So they had sex. Right as he was about to orgasm, the young man ripped off his mask and exclaimed, "Ha! Got you! I'm just the guy from the bus!"

The nun pulled off her cowl and said, "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

[PancaKe]

What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?

You can't eat a train carriage

[MToolen]

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

The live baby stuck in the bottom that has to eat its way out.

[Jeff]

A pastor bought a donkey and decided to enter it in races, the donkey won all of its races, leading to a newspaper headline that read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The local bishop decided that he didn't like this kind of publicity and told the pastor to stop entering the donkey in races. The next day, the headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

The bishop, feeling that the headlines were getting ridiculous, told the pastor that he had to get rid of the donkey. The pastor gave the donkey to a nun. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop couldn't take it anymore and told the nun to give the donkey to someone outside the church. The nun sold it to a local farmer for $10. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10

[Zak]

A pastor bought a donkey and decided to enter it in races, the donkey won all of its races, leading to a newspaper headline that read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The local bishop decided that he didn't like this kind of publicity and told the pastor to stop entering the donkey in races. The next day, the headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

The bishop, feeling that the headlines were getting ridiculous, told the pastor that he had to get rid of the donkey. The pastor gave the donkey to a nun. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop couldn't take it anymore and told the nun to give the donkey to someone outside the church. The nun sold it to a local farmer for $10. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10

You forgot at the beginning when he first enters the donkey and it comes in third place and the headline reads "PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS".

[Shadow Wolf]

Ahh, keep em coming!!!

*A boy after school*

-MOM!! *cries* the kids at school are calling me "big head".

-Don't listen to them my dear. They only want to tease you. Now do your mommy a favor and go get me a bag of potatoes, one roasted chicken, one bottle of ketchup, and a bottle of Pepsi. Here are 20 dollars.

-But where am I going to carry all of that mom?

-In your hat my dear.

[PancaKe]

"Doctor, doctor! I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!"

"Hang on, I've got some cream for that."

[MToolen]

So this guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

[PancaKe]

My computer beat me at chess.

So I beat it at kickboxing.

[Master of Paradox]

I perfected the art of human cloning, and my first subject was myself. One day, however, I caught the clone watching some of my pornography. In a fit of rage, I attacked him, and chased him to the top of a ten-story office building before kicking him off of the roof.

The next day I was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

----

Quasimodo grew tired of ringing the bells in Notre Dame, and put an ad out requesting a substitute. The first person to respond was a man who, notably, had no arms.

"Listen," Quasimodo said, "far be it from me to discriminate against the disabled, but you kind of need arms to ring the bells here."

The man shook his head and said, "Let me show you how I can do it!"

Quasimodo shrugged and led him to the bell tower. Once they got there, the man took off running, launched himself at the bell and hit it facefirst, making it ring. He got up, shook off his stun and ran at it again, ringing it a second time.

Getting up, he took off running once more, but this time his aim was off. He flew past the bell and out the window, plummeting to his death.

When the cops arrived, they asked Quasimodo, "Do you know this man?"

"Never knew his name," Quasimodo said, "but his face rang a bell."

----

A week after the incident with the armless man, Quasimodo still had his ad in the papers. Another man arrived at Notre Dame, also without any arms.

"You know, I got a guy without any arms here last week, looked like you," Quasimodo said.

"That guy was my brother," the armless man replied.

Quasimodo shook his head and said, "After what happened to your brother, I can't say I'm too happy with you applying here."

The man with no arms was insistent, and so Quasimodo led him up to the bell tower. Things played out as they had for his brother, with the man ringing the bell with his face twice, and then missing the bell and falling to his death on the third go.

The cops showed up, asking, "Did you know this man?"

"I never got his name," Quasimodo said, "but he was a dead ringer for his brother."

[Shadow Wolf]

A priest was speaking at the church.

-"Man created God at his own image"

A hunchbacked stood up:

-"And what was he doing with me? An experiment?"

[PancaKe]

A priest decided one Sunday morning that it was a great day for golf. So he called in sick to church, grabbed his gear and headed off to the golf course.

During his game, he scored a hole in one.

St Peter saw this from heaven, and turned to God, disgusted. "How could you do that to him God?" St Peter demanded. "He skips church, and then you let him score a hole in one? Shouldn't you be punishing him!"

God looked at St Peter, and smiled. "Who's he gonna tell?"

[Master of Paradox]

A man went scuba-diving off of Australia, and swam among the beautiful coral reefs. He admired their awe-inspiring glory for quite some time, and then noticed a great disturbance in the distance.

Swimming to the source, he found another diver, grabbing the coral and ripping it apart around him.

Disgusted, the man took out his slate and scrawled on it, "What are you doing?!?"

The other man took his own slate and wrote, "DROWNING!"

----

Two men stood atop the Empire State Building, looking over the observation deck. Then one of them said, "There's something neat about this building."

"What about it?" the other guy asked.

"If you jump off at just the right angle, the wind picks you up and sets you right back where you started."

"Oh, bullshit!"

"Watch," the first man said. He stepped onto the edge, tilted his body slightly, and then fell from the observation deck. As the second man watched, mouth agape, the first man hovered for a moment, and then shot back onto the deck, landing perfectly on his feet.

"Oh, I gotta try that!" the second man said. He stood on the edge, and the first man adjusted his pose before pushing him off.

Needless to say, the second man fell, unstopped, to a gruesome end on the pavement below.

A ray of light shone down on the observation deck, and from it descended an angel, who said to the first man, "Gabriel, for an angel, you are such an asshole sometimes."

[Master of Paradox]

A man made a bet with a friend: he could spend the night in a haunted house. So he walked into what used to be the living room of the house, sat down, and waited for nightfall.

At 10:00 P.M., there came a knock at the door. It opened, and a green-skinned, wrinkly creature with a hump on its back slithered in. It looked at the man and whispered, "You gonna be here when Jake gets here?"

"You're just a figment of my imagination!" the man yelled in fright. "Get out!"

The creature left, and the man got his heart rate back under control.

At 11:00 P.M., there was another knock on the door, and it opened. The creature on the other side stood six feet tall, with spikes of bone curling back from its knuckles, four arms, and a single, glaring red eye. It looked at the man and groaned, "You gonna be here when Jake gets here?"

Grabbing a chair, the man threw it at the creature, yelling, "Get out! You're just a figment of my imagination!"

The creature walked away, and the man calmed down, thinking of the bet.

At midnight, the door slammed open. On the other side stood a creature fully nine feet tall, hunched open and with its skin covering in oozing sores. It had a mouth of gnarled teeth, tentacles hung down from its belly, and spiders crawled on its skin. It fixed eyes of unimaginable malice on the man.

The creature growled, "You gonna be here when Jake gets here?"

The man hurled himself out of a window and took off running, screaming, "If you aren't Jake I'm outta here!"

[Jeff]

In the spirit of Christmas, here's one I heard years ago.

It was Christmas Eve, and a panicking man still hadn't gotten a gift for his wife. He ran into a pet shop, told the owner that his wife loves Christmas, and asked if the store had any animals that she would like. The owner said, "as a matter of fact, we have this parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols". The owner took the man to the bird and told him, "the thing is, Chet likes being warm, so you need to light a flame underneath of him to get him to do it". The owner lifted Chet's left wing and held a lit lighter underneath of it, Chet started singing: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.... The man was exited and decided that this was the gift for his wife.

The next day, the man gave Chet to his wife and showed her the bird's talent. Just like the pet shop owner, he lifted Chet's left wing and put a lit lighter underneath and Chet started signing Jingle Bells again. The wife smiled and said "Wow! Does he know any others?" The man tried the other wing, and sure enough Chet started singing: Hark! The herald, angels sing. Glory to the new born king... His wife was exited and took the lighter wanting to try it herself. She lifted Chet's tailfeathers and put the lighter right underneath. Chet started singing: Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...

[Heald]

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

[Asilynne]

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

Youre a bad, bad man! o.o! lol

[PancaKe]

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

Oh my goodness! that's so terrible! i don't know whether to laugh or not!



A duck walks into a bar and walks up to the bar tender and asks "Got any bread?"

"no," the bartender says. "We don't sell bread here, we sell beer."

"Got any bread?" The duck asks once more.

"No, we don't sell bread," the bartender repeats.

"Got any bread?"

"We have garlic bread?" the bartender offers.

"Got any bread?"

"No, we don't have normal bread."

"Got any bread?"

"no."

"Got any bread?"

"Duck, I've told you already, we don't have bread!"

"Got any bread?"

"NO!"

"... Got any bread?"

"LIsten here duck, if you ask one more time if I have any bread, I will nail your beak to this counter here!"

"... Got any nails?"

"NO!"

"Got any bread?"

[MToolen]

So I got to talking with this girl in my music theory about Davy Jones. "The Monkee?" I queried. "No," she casually replied, "The monkey's name is Jack Sparrow."

[Master of Paradox]

The cheapest man I know went into a garage with a shotgun, fired it in the air, then went back inside and told his children, "No presents this year, kids. Santa just killed himself."

[Shadow Wolf]

Talk about being cheap! There was this man who was going to the airport and stopped a taxi. The man asked:

-How much costs the ride from here to the airport?

-About 20 dollars sir.

-...and the packages?

-I don't charge cash for the packages sir.

-OK! Then I will walk to the airport. Take the packages into the airport.


_______________

Two guys were so cheap, that they bid one dollar to see who of them both could last more time being underwater.


...

...they both drowned.

[Ultimate Charizard]

You just cant beat old people can you. Which is a shame.

The Catholic church is against the idea of the proposed 'super-casin' due to open in Manchester as they say Gambling builds false hope. Instead they want you to beleive in a shiny beardy man that lives on a cloud.

[DarkTemplarZero]

So a Jew walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "woah, where did you get that?" and the frog replies, "In Brooklyn, they're everywhere!"

Q: A woman gets run over. Who's fault is it?
A: The car's. What was it doing in the kitchen?

[PancaKe]

Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

[MToolen]

If you spin a Chinese man around long enough, does he become disoriented?

If North America had some bad cheese, would it become incontinent?

If an apricot elected to office got caught in embezzlement, would he get impeached?

[PancaKe]

Whats brown and sticky?

A brown stick!

[Zak]

Why are corduroy pillows so popular?

They always make headlines!

[MToolen]

So there are these two green beans walking down a railroad track when they hear a train siren. "Get out of the way!" one of the green beans yells as he jumps off the tracks, but it's too late for the other one.

Later at the hospital, the doctor comes out of the operating room. "Is my friend okay?" the green bean asks.

"I have some bad news about your friend," the doctor sighs. "He'll live, but he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

[Jeff]

The captain of a ship was preparing for battle. His first mate told him that an enemy ship was approaching. The captain said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate looked at the captain puzzled and said, "Yes sir, but why?" The captain said to his first mate, "That way, if I get shot in the chest during the battle, my men will not see me bleed and they will keep fighting." The first mate found this to be quite noble.

After the battle was successful, the first mate again went to his captain and said, "Captain, 500 enemy ships approaching!". The captain replied, "Bring me my brown pants!"

[PNT510]

Wanna hear a joke? Womens rights!

[Blademaster]

Ba-ZING.

[Crazy Elf Boy]

What's red and sits in the corner

A naughty strawberry