Jokes

[PancaKe]

I can always do with a laugh. So, tell me a joke.

Here's one I heard the other week:

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "Give me a beer and a mop."




(ahahahahahaha that one took me so long to get. ahahahahaha)

[Heald]

So a paraplegic walked into a bar...

Oh wait, no he didn't.

[Blademaster]

Why did Hitler commit suicide on April 30?

That was the day he got his gas bill.

[MToolen]

So this baby seal walks into a club.

[PancaKe]

So this baby seal walks into a club.

I don't get it.

[Drago]

I don't get it.

I'm Canadian, so I do get it.

Anyway, there's a plane that crashes on an island. The only survivors are an American, Australian and Chinese. The American says he'll set up the tents, tells the Australian to start up a campfire and tells the Chinese guy to take care of the supplies.

After a few hours the tents are set up and a fire is lit, but the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. The American and Australian search the camp site, when all of a sudden the Chinese guy leaps out of a tent and shouts "SUPPLIES!"

[Jeff]

So a dyslexic walks into a bra.

[shazza]

All jokes that I know are racist, sexist or simply disturbing and cannot be repeated.

[PancaKe]

All jokes that I know are racist, sexist or simply disturbing and cannot be repeated.

Psch. We're all grown ups now.


Whats the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of babies?
You can't shovel sand with a pitchfork

[Crystal Mew]

Yeah, all my funny jokes are racial jokes. don't think people would like that, right....

edit: well ok then lets see...


What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?

steal a chicken

I was at a friends house and we spent a good 30 minutes texting chacha for racial jokes, that was funny

[Zak]

Yeah, all my funny jokes are racial jokes. don't think people would like that, right....

Anyone who says that that's all they know is a liar. Still, not like anyone cares right?

Why do Mexicans have noses?

So they'll have something to pick during the summer.



For a longer one...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi have a sum of money and are planning to use some of it as an offering to God. They each come up with ways to determine how.
The priest suggests:
"I'm gonna draw a line, and we'll toss the money, and whatever lands on the right is ours, and whatever's on the left goes to God."
The pastor suggests:
"How about we draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle will go to God, and everything in it to us".
The rabbi suggests:
"How about this: We toss the money in the air, whatever God catches is his, and whatever hits the ground is ours".

[shazza]

Don't make me get out the Jewish jokes!

P.S: I still don't get the skeleton joke.

[Zak]

shazza - read my edit

but go for it, those are the funniest.

And I THINK I get the skeleton joke.

[PancaKe]

Skeleton Joke Explained.

So, the skeleton gets the beer, and drinks it.
Then what does he do with the mop?





The funniest part is the time it takes for people to click and get the joke.

[Jeff]

This one's a local joke, but anyone who's ever dealt with tourists would appreciate it.

After God finished creating the world, He pulled an angel over to show it off. God said to the angel "take a look, every place in this world is in perfect balance, no one place is any better than any other". The angel looked around and pointed out a very scenic-looking area. God proudly told the angel, "That is a place called the Eastern Shore of Maryland, it is a place of sandy beaches, delicious seafood, friendly people, and a very easy and laid back lifestyle." The angel protested, "But that makes it sound absolutely perfect! How could you possibly make it balance out with the rest of the world?" God grinned and replied, "wait 'till you see the jerks I'll be sending over there every Summer!"

[PancaKe]

There was once an inflatable boy, and it was his 10th birthday. So, his inflatable mother gave him what every 10 year old inflatable boy wants - a pocket knife.

And so the inflatable boy takes this pocketknife to his inflatable school, and happily plays with it during class. His inflatable teacher sees the knife, and demands he give it to her.

"No!" The inflatable boy cries.

"Hand me the knife!" The inflatable teacher yells and grabs for it. As the inflatable boy jerks away, he accidently cuts the inflatable teacher arms. and with a loud PSSSSSSSTTTT the inflatable teacher deflates slowly.

The boy is horrified. He jumps up and runs out of the inflatable room, into the hallway of the school and bumps into his prinicpal. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" The principal asks. The boy is terrified he will get into trouble for what he did to his teacher, and without thinking, stabs his principal. A loud hissing echoes thorugh the hallway as his principal deflates.

The boy can't believe what he's done, and decides he must run away! He runs through the hall, and as he gets to the stairs he trips and falls. The knife plunges into the wall, and a very loud PSSSSST is heard as the school slowly begins to deflate. The boy knows that he has done too much damage to keep going. He closes his eyes, and plunges the pocket knife into him, and the same loud hissing is heard as he also deflates.


---

He opens his eyes. There is a large patch where he stabbed himself. He has been reflated. He looks up and sees the reinflated principal standing over him, a large patch on his side. The principal looks disappointed. "I don't know," he begins. "You let me down, you let your school down, but most of all, you let yourself down."




ahahahahaha

[Ghost]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

[shazza]

What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.

[MToolen]

Think about what else could be a club.

So this cow had three calves. "Mommy," the eldest asked, "Why am I named Rose?"

"Because, dear, when you were born, a rosepetal fell on your head," the mother cow replied.

"Why is my name Sunflower?" The second one queried.

"Because, dear, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The youngest calf said, "Mrg-nf-brnfl-strghngkl!"

The mother said, "Shut up, Brick."

[Blademaster]

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "Give me a beer and a mop."

So a paraplegic walked into a bar...

Oh wait, no he didn't.

So a baby seal walks into a club.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra.

Eh... Sure, why not.

"So a Pollack walked into a bar.

He gets out of the hospital tomorrow."

[PancaKe]

Three blondes walk into a bar.

None of them ducked.

[Zak]

A termite went into a bar and asked "is the bar tender here?"

[PancaKe]

A termite went into a bar and asked "is the bar tender here?"

I don't get it.






What's blue and likes to rape dead babies?
Me in my lucky blue suit

[Zak]

I don't get it.

I had to read it three times before I got it.

[PancaKe]

I had to read it three times before I got it.

AHHHHH I get it now!
Oh gosh. Zak that's terrible!! ahahahaha roflmao.





WARNING: This is the grossest joke I know. It might not be that bad.; I don't think it is but yeah. Just in case you are easily offended. Don't look.



What is the difference between a cup of sand and a cup of menstrual fluid?
You can't gargle sand! ahahahahaha

[Zak]

hahaha


So three women go to a male dancer strip club. One of them wants to impress this dancer, so she leans forward and sticks a $10 on his left buttock. Another of the three wants to outdo her so she takes out a $20 and sticks it on his other one. The third woman thinks for a second, then takes out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the money and goes home.

[Jeff]

You want gross?

Three guys were standing around talking about their previous night.

The first man said "Last night, I was so drunk I ran through the streets in my underwear."

The second man said "Last night, I was so drunk I went home and told my wife I was cheating on her, even though I'm not!"

The third man said, "Oh yeah, last night, I was so drunk I went home and blew chunks"

The other two men looked at him and said "you threw up, so what?". Then he said to them, "no, you see, Chunks is my dog".

[shazza]

You want gross?

Three guys were standing around talking about their previous night.

The first man said "Last night, I was so drunk I ran through the streets in my underwear."

The second man said "Last night, I was so drunk I went home and told my wife I was cheating on her, even though I'm not!"

The third man said, "Oh yeah, last night, I was so drunk I went home and blew chunks"

The other two men looked at him and said "you threw up, so what?". Then he said to them, "no, you see, Chunks is my dog".

I lol'd

[Heald]

My marriage counsellor said I needed to be more spontaneous.

So I raped her.

[The Decapitated Mole]

A blind, deaf, and dumb guy walks into a bar.
______________________

[PancaKe]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was pushed.


Why did another koala fall out the tree?
It was holding onto the first one



Why did the third koala fall out the tree?
It thought it was a game.


Why did the fourth koala fall out the tree?
Peer pressure.


Why did the fifth koala fall out the tree?
Because it was dead.

[shazza]

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of its head.

[Blademaster]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and poses a threat to young boys.

The other is used to carry groceries.

[PancaKe]

What's white and runs down a little boys leg?

Michael Jackson's latest release.

[Drago]

Michael Jackson is on a plane with a group of boy scouts. There's a serious problem and the plane starts going down. The pilot takes Michael aside, and tells him, 'Look, I've only got two parachutes. We'll each take one and get the hell out of here.'
Michael asks the pilot 'What about the children?'
The pilot says 'Screw the children!'
Michael says 'Yes, then what?'

[PancaKe]

Where do cows go on their first date?
To the mooovies.

Ahahaha lame.

[MToolen]

What business do cows use to transport their furniture?

Moo-haul!

I came up with that one myself. I'm so proud.

[PancaKe]

What do you call a cow on a skateboard?
A cow-tastrophe about to happen!

[classy_cat18]

What's black and white and red all over?
Michael Jackson after Chuckie killed him.

A rabbi, a priest, and a pastor walked into a bar.
Ten minutes later, an atheist threw them all out.

What's the difference between The Blair Witch Project and an M.C. Escher painting?
M.C. Escher's work actually makes sense.

[Zak]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it!