Poetry Corner

[Oslo]

Wow, man, your poetry always hits something deep inside ... This piece, I feel, could be even shorter and be more effective and resonant, but the images that you have included are just breathtaking. Those splayed nerves and their blue fragility. Whoa. Nice work.

Thanks! I definitely agree that less is often more, so I like the idea of trimming the fat with this particular poem. What lines specifically do you think I perhaps could/should excise? I'm thinking lines 6 to 9 could be removed and the poem would still hold together effectively. The ending also reads kind of baggy now that I think about it.

[Gavin Luper]

Thanks! I definitely agree that less is often more, so I like the idea of trimming the fat with this particular poem. What lines specifically do you think I perhaps could/should excise? I'm thinking lines 6 to 9 could be removed and the poem would still hold together effectively. The ending also reads kind of baggy now that I think about it.

Sorry mate - I totally missed this earlier. Upon rereading, I agree that lines 6 to 9 are actually weaker links in the chain compared to the rest of the poem. In fact, I would even suggest taking out line 10, too, and maybe going straight into "You will scour ..." - it's a bit more image-centric like the rest of the lines. I'm still not sure which lines near the end need to be edited out but I do still feel that it's overlong; it would be significantly more powerful, I reckon, if that ending was condensed by several lines. Maybe experiment with it and see what you could do without? Good luck if you do decide to do that.

Chris: Nice work as always with that latest snippet. It almost feels like it could be an alternative rock lyric, that one ... it's razor-sharp and full of pain and impact. Well done.