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Thread: Poetry Corner

  1. #521
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Quote Originally Posted by Chris 2.1 View Post
    Thanks Gavin, and yes, your correction was, er, correct. I find the more I try and think about writing, the less I get done. Last night, after quite an emotionally heavy weekend previously, I just put everything down on paper.

    But even though I drew on some personal experience, the poem was meant to look generally at relationships, their destructive and exhaustive power. Particularly when someone who has been 'the other man' suddenly realises their partner is cheating. A sort of role-reversal.

    Really appreciate the feedback
    Good to get the full picture of where you were taking it man. Your poetry is always quite inspiring and clever, so it's a pleasure to read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Wolf View Post
    Ai

    A soul seeking it…
    A million more craving it…
    But no one gives it!
    This feels like some kind of ineffable universal need or conundrum. But what is it, out of interest, Louis?

    Quote Originally Posted by Oslo View Post
    My Second Body

    How else might I convince you
    except to fix my lungs upon a pin?
    Perhaps I need to bleach my bones, jar tendon,
    or splay my nerves against a screen
    and let you map their blue fragility?
    Dear skeptic, I can lend you nothing
    more than all of it: my knees,
    their pocked exteriors,
    my cheeks, my pores and frigid palms.
    You will measure and do tests,
    scouring my flesh with chemicals
    to learn its every end and limit.
    Even after all of this, you'll still deem it necessary
    to hold in your studious hands
    my breasts, those which
    you struggle most to validate.
    Really, all that you require
    lies below my chest, beneath it.
    Press your beating wrist
    against my muscled heart.
    Let the rhythms unify.
    Then syncopate. Then unify again.
    Bear witness to that pear-shaped thing,
    that pump. Then, feel yours. Hold onto it.
    Maybe now, knowing
    my authentic body,
    you’ll never again ask,
    “What kind of a

    are you?”
    Wow, man, your poetry always hits something deep inside ... This piece, I feel, could be even shorter and be more effective and resonant, but the images that you have included are just breathtaking. Those splayed nerves and their blue fragility. Whoa. Nice work.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

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    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  2. #522
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Wow, man, your poetry always hits something deep inside ... This piece, I feel, could be even shorter and be more effective and resonant, but the images that you have included are just breathtaking. Those splayed nerves and their blue fragility. Whoa. Nice work.
    Thanks! I definitely agree that less is often more, so I like the idea of trimming the fat with this particular poem. What lines specifically do you think I perhaps could/should excise? I'm thinking lines 6 to 9 could be removed and the poem would still hold together effectively. The ending also reads kind of baggy now that I think about it.
    Last edited by Oslo; 10th March 2012 at 02:42 AM.

  3. #523
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    To Teo,

    Crew neck, smart tie,
    Staring at your eyes I can't help but wonder why
    You pulled me, from dirt,
    Onto a pretty platform just to let me get hurt.

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    Posted September 22nd, 2013


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  4. #524
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Quote Originally Posted by Oslo View Post
    Thanks! I definitely agree that less is often more, so I like the idea of trimming the fat with this particular poem. What lines specifically do you think I perhaps could/should excise? I'm thinking lines 6 to 9 could be removed and the poem would still hold together effectively. The ending also reads kind of baggy now that I think about it.
    Sorry mate - I totally missed this earlier. Upon rereading, I agree that lines 6 to 9 are actually weaker links in the chain compared to the rest of the poem. In fact, I would even suggest taking out line 10, too, and maybe going straight into "You will scour ..." - it's a bit more image-centric like the rest of the lines. I'm still not sure which lines near the end need to be edited out but I do still feel that it's overlong; it would be significantly more powerful, I reckon, if that ending was condensed by several lines. Maybe experiment with it and see what you could do without? Good luck if you do decide to do that.

    Chris: Nice work as always with that latest snippet. It almost feels like it could be an alternative rock lyric, that one ... it's razor-sharp and full of pain and impact. Well done.
    ...Quest for the Truth of the Legend ...

    Lisa the Legend

    Winner of 12 Silver Pencil Awards 2011 - Including Best Plot, Best Character in a Leading Role, Best Moment and Best Fic of the Forum for Lisa the Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    Feel free to withdraw at any time, Gavin.

    Quote Originally Posted by DragoKnight View Post
    ...Far too many references!! You're like the Swiss army knife of discussion.

  5. #525
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    This feels like some kind of ineffable universal need or conundrum. But what is it, out of interest, Louis?
    Ah, long time! XD Sorry for taking so long. Anyway, "Ai" is actually the phonetic pronunciation of the Japanese symbol "愛", which means "love". ^_^

    Well, it's been quite some time since I wrote something (I'm probably rusty, hahaha). I did, however, write a Spanish poem to someone I like. I'll be sure to translate it.

    Solo para ti - Soneto (Only for you - sonnet)

    El corazón me susurra al oído
    Las alegrías que en ti ha encontrado
    Y te agradece que lo hayas vestido
    con el amor que por siempre ha anhelado

    (The heart whispers all the happiness found with you into my ear
    and it is thankful that you have dressed it with the love he always craved for)

    Mis pensamientos atraen tu ternura
    mientras ofrecen su gran bienvenida
    para brindarte carińo y dulzura,
    al recordarte que eres mi vida.

    (My thoughts attract your tenderness as they offer their warmest welcome
    to give you love and sweetness while they remind you that you are my life.)

    Ya que controlas su ardor y su anhelo,
    mi cuerpo vibra en intensa pasión
    mientras desea tu encanto y calor.

    (Since you control its hotness and its desire, my body trembles in intense passion as it longs for your charm and your warmth.)

    Hasta mis sueńos son tuyos, mi cielo
    Gracias por ser mi mayor bendición
    Toda mi vida es tuya mi amor.

    (Even my dreams are yours my dear. Thanks for being my greatest blessing. All my life is yours my love).

    Yeah... corny... I know, hehehe.

    EDIT: and the other side of the coin, an unedited, unstructured, unhappy piece.

    Shi

    No more time...
    time has stopped...
    same old room...
    same un-bloom...

    Stuck in the virtual world...
    afraid of the outside world...
    staying in the comfort zone...
    and giving up hopes.

    Though a miracle would happen...
    nothing happened at all...
    still stuck as a no one
    Still hopeless and broke.

    Time is frozen in this room
    as time moves faster in the outside world
    He has been left behind
    He has just stayed behind.

    Parents lost hope in their son
    Brother calls him a parasite
    Friends can't change his world
    And he's left like a worthless stone

    He tried stretching his hand for help
    But he didn't stretch it enough
    Since before the hand reached halfway
    He'd already given up.

    And now as he lays in his frozen world
    where only this screen and his hands move
    He write these words with no exact purpose
    Except to prevent a depressing flood.

    And after this, he knows nothing will change
    Because no one hears his mute cries for help
    And thus he returns to his frozen world
    Where he expects nothing but darkness alone

    No more time...
    Time has stopped...
    same old room...
    same hope doomed.
    Last edited by Shadow Wolf; 21st June 2012 at 10:03 PM.


    Optimist award 2012.

    “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” (Linda Grayson)

    Thank you everyone... for being so kind and for bringing out the best in me! You are definitely awesome! ^_^

  6. #526
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    Moth and Flame

    You and I, bright like fireflies,
    Gliding towards a warming light
    It's suicide,
    yet feels so right.
    Anything can, when by your side.

    You and I, relaxed enough to cry,
    Swimming in diamonds late at night.
    No lead, no guide,
    But heart and plight.
    Immersed ourselves, so late at night.

    I Wonder why we're both outside,
    When, once, inside once looked inviting.
    Kingdom empty, darkened lamp,
    Tears extinguish flame to damp.

    Even in our wildest moments,
    You made waves like crescent moons.
    Even in our still and slumber,
    Ripples formed like hearts on water.

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    Posted September 22nd, 2013


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  7. #527
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    Strays in the Thaw

    Perhaps I know why you stare
    at their bodies, slight and almost lovely
    after sunless months
    in winter’s jar. I touch a soiled glove
    to your hand, drape my gaze
    like a pocketless shroud
    over their crumpled repose.
    I picture them at mewling defeat,
    huddled for warmth that could not come

    in time. With collar turned to snap of
    March, I suggest we get back
    to the yard work—our epidemic in
    chickweed, branches, dead leaves
    that hide dead bodies.
    I repeat what I said on a horrible day
    in a horrible room:
    that passing isn’t more
    than a rocking Sunday hammock. (All cock and bull.)

    At night, as sleep takes me, so you take
    the cavernous station wagon
    down to the lake and the waterfront cottage
    where once you dwelled as a girl. By darkness
    you slink to the foaming shore and hunt
    for the hidden slabs of shale
    on which you scratched your life’s first secrets:
    your hatred for recitals, the pink-eared boy
    whose eyes you longed to kiss

    and the names you planned to give your babies.
    You frantically turn rock, split thicket,
    but every piece of shale is mute
    by damning touch of water.
    You feel each misplaced name
    wrested always out of you, the precise ache,
    those slanted slackened mouths
    as voiceless as the swells of fur
    we threw to our heap of compost.

    Then you tell me this months later
    as you spit up red swallows of ice wine. I don’t ask
    but still wonder about your trip home
    after the search, about the way you toiled
    back into our bed that cool spring night.
    Did you curl up against my sleeping body?
    Or did you roll away, fighting
    the instinct that whispers us still
    when the time at last has come to huddle?

  8. #528
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    The Open Letter

    Dear you,
    Thank you for the letter.
    I'm surprised you found the time
    to pick up paper, to click a pen
    But I remember: tightening the screws
    and hammering the nails
    of your desk that summer
    was no mean feat. I imagine you, finally sitting at it.
    Staring across your garden, at the lame fox basking in the sun.
    It was worth it.

    The greatest love of all is loving yourself.
    But often being half of a whole gets in the way.
    Sometimes, when I walk through the market on the weekend
    I see people together, wandering, smiling.
    Never rushed, anxious or flummoxed.
    But relaxed, happy - smiles that require no exertion.
    When I'm truly alone, it feels like everyone's lives are like that.

    But a wonderfully useful insight
    is that into the lives of others.
    Couples that fit like clockwork
    Don't always click.
    And sometimes I feel fortunate to have all my thoughts to myself
    All my money, to myself
    and my love.
    The second wave of enlightenment is that
    happiness can feel like a currency
    in a foreign land.

    So imagine my surprise, enlightened though I am
    to find a beautiful, gilded invitation
    to a wedding.
    You did it.
    In 2009, when you took Suzie to New York
    I knew, then, what was going through your mind
    because we clicked like clockwork.
    And when she said no, my heart soared.
    It wasn't meant to be, Lee.

    I feel honoured to be invited,
    though understandably I have no guest.
    Laterally, as I gently wrap the ribbon from your invite around my ring finger
    I realise that, too, is a stealthy gift.
    What would Suzie say to two men, dapper though they would no doubt be
    wishing you both well?
    She'd put two and two
    - or me and you -
    together,
    on her happiest day.

    Like a dirty talisman
    I've carried the invite,
    that thick, decorative invite,
    with me everywhere I go.
    It sits awkwardly in my pocket on the bus
    and I even held onto it
    during a meeting about sustainability.

    Thank you,
    from the bottom of my heart
    for inviting me to your wedding.
    The idea that you're comfortable
    enough to see me again
    after all this time
    makes me feel validated, and accepted.
    Maybe I'll finally introduce myself to Suzie.
    Maybe we'll get on, like a house on fire.
    She looks utterly charming,
    and beautiful too.

    Unfortunately,
    I will have to decline your invitation.

    It took some time
    to figure out why.
    Time spent nursing blistering cups of coffee
    in the sun.
    And carrying your invitation
    to make me understand.

    In November, your life will change once more.
    And you will ask your wife to dance.
    Steadily, as you move across the floor
    She will spin, and you will steer.
    Your family will join you, the floor will fill with friends
    And as you hold your wife, you will see the special people in your life.
    In my head, there's perhaps a gap in the crowd.
    Or maybe when you see Sophie and James, you'll feel my absence
    but you need to feel it.
    Not seeing me there will give you that same sense of understanding I felt
    carrying your invitation everywhere.
    I can't watch you get married.
    Because it will cement, once and for all
    my worst fear.
    That you'll never, ever
    come back to me.

    Show-Off
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    *Chapter 37 up*
    Posted September 22nd, 2013


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  9. #529
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    Should she have spoken to me less nicely
    Should she have spoken to me more freely
    Should I have asked if she had someone
    Should I have asked her to be mine earlier

    Nobody had answered to my glance
    Like she did with those eyes
    Nobody had presented me homework to solve
    Like she entrusted me

    I sat behind her and followed the class
    I could watch her hair for eternity
    Did I get that integral solved
    Yes, I solved it for her

    Ten years have passed
    Since those days full of excitement
    I don't blame her for anything
    She gave me all I needed
    With those questions and answers
    Even after it turned out she had someone

    Time is nigh
    Time is nigh
    To save the past

    For I never doubted that
    The idea of her virginity
    Never died inside me

    Returning of the miracles
    Red-haired beauty reborn
    Restored my ability to cry again

    The note that I threw on her table
    Returned once but not twice

    Just once more I got to sit near her
    Just once more she asked me to help
    The idea of her virginity
    Never died inside me
    You wanna see some awesome signature? Well, you'll have to wait a day or two, or a year or two!?

  10. #530
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    Default Re: Poetry Corner

    These lyrics are actually a statement towards what Päivi Räsänen said about alternative medicine.

    Questioned Millennia

    Who is to judge what you can't see
    Still you can't question what you learned at school
    Exposed to our religions we march where we're told to
    Proudly because we think we're free

    What you believe is another person's fantasy
    What you trust in is another person's deceit
    Slaves of one's science
    That's what one's thoughts are

    There's one disease that you cannot heal
    In human brain lies knowledge that may turn false one day
    Centuries we believed in science
    Millennia we believed in gods

    Tradition tells spirits can heal you
    Evidence tells you can't prove if they exist
    Present religion questioned the past one
    Present science questioned religion

    Ancient philosophies bow before renewed masters
    Masters of atoms masters of galaxies
    Where is Heaven where is Hell
    Where are the gods if you can prove black holes
    Last edited by Mikachu Yukitatsu; 11th August 2013 at 03:05 AM. Reason: typos
    You wanna see some awesome signature? Well, you'll have to wait a day or two, or a year or two!?

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